Now that the year is coming to a close, I have sat and pondered on this past year and all of my ups and downs.

At this time, one year ago, I was in the hospital, in labor, giving birth to my gorgeous little girl. She's so big now and such a spoiled brat. I just about cried this morning when I sang to her "Happy Birthday" while I was getting her out of her crib. I keep telling her to slow down, but I know that this just means more memories for me to keep and share with her.

I'm content with life. Not too long ago it felt as if my world had fallen apart and I was slowly picking up the peices and pasting them together. I had to work, take care of my kid, and try and figure out what to do with my life by myself. Now, I stay home, still take care of my kid, but I've returned to school and I have my old husband back.

I've become closer to my husband, and I've tried to better myself so as to better communicate with him. Yes, we still argue, and we still drive each other nuts, but it's different. Life's different. I still love him and he still loves me. We can talk things through and we know how to compromise. The stress we have is trying to provide for Lily, not trying to please each other on a regular basis. Yes, we need to make each other happy, but we also need to not bug the hell out of each other.

I've found that I'm a more reserved and spiritual person. I've been attending church every Sunday (Unitarian) and I've been attending Pagan gatherings with my community. I've begun writing again, and keeping track of my paper journal, writing about my religious views and practices as well as my problems or stresses and worries. I've also learned to just keep my big mouth shut as the whole world doesn't need to know my business.

All in all, I'm happy. I'm happier than I've ever been in a long time, and this new year is something I'm looking forward to. I am looking forward to the return of the Sun and to the return of happiness. I understand that things have a way of fixing themselves and I'm glad that things have turned out the way they have.

I hope that everyone has had wonderful holidays, whether it be Hannukah, Yule, Christmas or Kwanzaa. May many blessings reach you.

I am overly stressed out.

Lily has been a handful all day, screaming about the littlest of things. The word no is like a stab in the thigh for her and she throws herself onto the floor and throws a very loud tantrum. Her ear-piercing complaints have left me with a throbbing headache that won't dissipate. I've been working on my schoolwork on and off throughout the week and I'm still behind. I have several assignments and a quiz due tomorrow and I doubt they will be entered in time. I was able to catch up in my programming class, but I still have other assignments that need turn in.

I am so exhausted. I passed out last night at around 7pm. I have been spacing out my assignments bit by bit so I won't become too whelmed, but I still end up being so. My church is sponsoring a "Parent's Night Out" by letting you drop of the children at the common room and nursery and leave them in their care for three hours. I asked J if he was up for it and in less than a second a simple response of "Hell yes" echoed in the kitchen. Tomorrow from 5 to 8, we will be baby free and can go out to the movies for a change. It's been a while.

Sunday evening my local CUUPS is holding a Yule ritual. I am contemplating on whether I should attend. I'm thinking against it and just doing a small (very small, as in minute) celebration of my own. Next Thursday I can always make it up as it will be the actual solstice and I will have all of my materials (finally!) in my possession.

We leave Monday morning for Texas. I'm going to be so glad to be taking a break. A bit apprehensive as this is the time of year where my family tends to argue the most, but still welcoming the much needed rest. My family is going through some rough times, but I'm hoping they won't drag me down. With my sister's impending divorce, and my brother's depression over his recent split from his long-term boyfriend, and my mother's financial troubles, I'm the only one who is happy in life. True, a bit on the "I'm ready to implode" part, but still quite content with what I have and what I'm doing.

I am looking forward to 9pm, when J gets back from his English class and Lily and I can go to sleep.

Today is J's golden birthday (23 years on the 23rd of the month) and because I am sick in more ways than I had intended to be, everything that I had planned for this day has had to be discarded. So instead, I will take this time to express of what I am thankful for...

I am thankful for family. Even though my mother and siblings can drive me mad and they irratate me quite frequently, I love them. They gave me a place to stay and offered help, though at price sometimes, they were still there when I needed them. Some of my friends I consider family. Those are the friends who gave me a couch/futon/bed to crash on when I was too exhausted to move any further or a babysitter when I needed to go somewhere and couldn't take the baby along. I'm thankful for all my friends old and new.

J-- though he has done some very stupid things in the past I can only put them behind me and move on. He has grown up so much and I am thankful and grateful of this change. Watching him with our daughter and looking into his face when he's with her shows me just how much he loves her and how much he loves "his girls". Things may be the same in some aspects, but they are still different on the ones that mean the most. I will always love him and I am glad that I gave it another chance. Not many people change from what he used to be. He went and proved to the world that he is a better person than most.

Draco-- I've known him for a couple (2) of years now and there are times that I feel we are one in the same. With the same exact issues, it's sometimes hard to tell the difference. :) I am so happy he has found happiness in Perseus and vice versa. Coming to the states was the best thing he could have ever done. He was a great friend when I was going through my tough times. I hope he knows that I will always be there for him.

Jaz and Cindy-- these two are some crazy bitches. :) LOL. But I adore them immensely. Without their support I don't know if I ever would have truly seen a light at the end of the tunnel. True the situation wasnt the best, but it was a nice relief knowing that I wasn't alone, that people understood, and that I would always have someone I could turn to. They both helped me through a lot. Even though we've never met, Jaz has watched me grow up via LJ. She's been there the entire 5 or 6 years since. And Cindy, I'm glad Jaz "introduced" us. They are both awesome and that's all I can really say.

Di-- Happyland Comix will never be the same without her. My "other half" so to speak. I thankful that we became so close in such a small amount of time. I think of her often, as creepy as that sounds, and Buddha smiles down on her.

Carol-- I only met less than a month ago in an LJ community. I'm so happy I did, too. I hope that I can help her in her spiritual journey but she has been such a great help to me in my Mary Kay business. She, too, is awesome.

I am thankful for all of the friendships that I have acquired throughout my lifetime; new or old, past and present.

I am happy, grateful, thankful for my faith. It has helped me overcome many of my obstacles. I may not be the Christian my mother wanted me to be, the Catholic my other family members are, are anything remotely in the vicinity of Allah, Yaweh, or Jesus, but I do have a faith. I do have a God(des) and I do have my ethic and morals that have help me be strong and make the right decisions in life.

Last, but surely not least, I am thankful for Lily. She was my bright northern star in the sky. She is my reason for waking up each morning and for living each day. Without her I would not be who I am and the thought that I could have lost her (twice!!) still frightens me. She is the only reason why I am still standing. She's my little faery princess, my ray of sunshine, the large pain in my ass, and the love of my life.

I can honestly say that I am content in the path I have chosen in life right now. I am a blessed little heathen. I have a loving husband who cooks and does laundry and takes care of me the way a husband should. I have a beautiful daughter, that though sometimes I just want to grab her and stick her in the trash can for being a brat, I love her with all my being. I have a roof over my head. Though this is a small place and we're all placed in one room, we are still warm during the cold nights and cool during the hot days. We are still dry from the rain and snow. There is food in my stomach, and nice furniture in our apartment. There are clothes in our closets as well as musical instruments and other things we can entertain ourselves with. There are no debts, and there are privileges that we have that most do not.

I am thankful for life and what I have been blessed with.

Woke up this morning with a yeast infection and a displaced hip.
Fucking great.
Today was not my day.

May it be a blessed day.

For those who have children and are trick-or-treating, may they be safe.

This picture is not finished and it pisses me off. I got suggestions from several people (thanks, by the way) but couldn't find anything that suited my uber-picky needs. Le sigh. Oh, well, this is what you get.

Happy Halloween and Merry Samhain

I went to church last week and enjoyed it very much. I was a bit apprehensive at first. I had decided to let Lily stay in the nursery and spent the entire service paranoid that my daughter's stranger anxiety was going to cause a stir downstairs. It never did. When I went to the nursery to pick her up she was running people over in a walker and having a good time. I follow my daughter when it comes to feelings. This was definitely a good sign. Afterward, we had coffee and I was able to meet with M, the head coordinator of OCUUPS, and some other members of the church. I enjoyed being there. I felt welcomed and intend on going there regularly. I would be there today, but I have been stricken with a massive allergy attack and half of my face has been affected.

I feel different somehow. I know I haven't changed recently. However, things still feel different. I like to think that maybe resetting my goals and holding on to my faith is what is helping me. I was "in the broom closet", as they say, for a long time. Now that I am openly Pagan, not only to my peers but my family as well, I feel as if there is nothing to hide; a weight has been lifted. I do not feel constricted or sophicated. I am not hiding. Most of my insecurities have gone in oblivion. I may not have changed in the physical, or even with random things such as what I do in routine every day, but spiritually there is a siginificant alteration in the way that I am viewing life and accepting my battles as well as my blessings. I guess the feeling had to come sooner or later. There are several times in ones life that one must beseech oneself to reorganize ones goals and outlook in life. I'm bettering myself, and my family of sorts, and that is all that matters at this point.

Maybe these are just the ramblings of a tired girl. No matter how hard I try I still find difficulty in sleeping soundly at night.

I sent in my financial application for school. If I get a response soon, I'll be starting next quarter in December. I've decided to get my degree in Information technology (same as J's). His is Database/Web Programming while mine is Web Development. I hope I'll be able to focus and not botch it like last time.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth. Umberto Eco


I have found a church in town that the website deemed interesting. I was able to call and request some sort of transport to and from the building. A woman called today and we made plans to meet at 1030 Sunday morning to head to service. It's a Unitarian church about a half hours time from home. There is a large Pagan community attending and I was invited to partake in a few of their gatherings. Friday 13 October I will meet with them at the Village Inn if things go according to plan. I'm hoping to join the Samhain ritual on the 29.

I've applied to go back to school. J and I will both have the Pell Grant and will be alternating days for classes. I'm not quite sure what to major in right now. I want to do something that will help me in the workplace but won't make me miserable doing it. I was thinking something along the lines of digital imaging or the like, early childhood education, or commercial photography. Classes start in December.

I'm thinking, with going back to school, that I should restart my role-play journal hermi_jane. I haven't written anything in a while. A very long while. I most enjoyed playing someone else other than myself.

Things are a bit hectic. Money is tight and Lil is wreaking havoc to a point where I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I don't sleep well; I've stopped taking naps due to my restlessness. J is stressed as well. He's been grinding his teeth in his sleep and his blood pressure has been high. Today we spent the day outdoors and in the local malls. It was nice to spend family time outside of the apartment. We bought some books to entertain us. One book each.

On a lighter note, I've at least lost ten lbs since I arrived here. My smoking has gotten worse, but it's the only thing that will help me not binge on food.

I'm hoping to get hired somewhere. I've place applications in fast food restaurants nearby, but to no avail. I'm tired and broke and my Mary Kay isn't going as planned. I had put up yortiz_maryk in hopes that it would help, but alas, it hasn't. Maybe some day soon. It doesn't help that I can't find a babysitter, either.

I have a $500 court fine to pay, due to me being stupid this summer, and I have no way of paying it.

...

Karma's kicking my ass.

Autumnal Equinox

Brightest Blessings!

Everything is as good as it should be. Things are going well. My daughter has me running around this entire apartment chasing after her making sure that she does not wreak too much havoc upon the furniture or appliances. I miss home a tad bit, but that is as expected.

...

I miss the ballet. I remember being a very young girl watching The Nutcracker for the first time. It was being performed at a theatre somewhere in Seattle. I had to be around six years old but I enjoyed every moment of it. I enjoyed going to the theatre and watching a performance. I even tried ballet. I was about as graceful as a cow so my pursuit to be part of a ballet company was stopped short. I stuck with my singing. It was the only thing I excelled at. I do remember a few ballet positions and such, which surprises me; it's been over a decade.

I hope I will be able to find a community theatre here where I could express my creative talent. I miss high school and I regret dropping out of university. I truly miss sewing costumes, working on make-up, sound, building and painting sets, as well as acting onstage. I remember the joy I had when my last year of high school we performed Handel's Messiah in it's entirety with the San Antonio Symphony Orchestra. I miss the stage.

...

I need something to do. I need human interaction. I don't mind spending the time with my daughter, I just need adult conversation before I go mad. I know it won't happen, not again, not this time, but having some time away from this apartment even for an hour would suffice.

We arrived in Nebraska Tuesday evening just in time to make it to J's violin lesson. The trip wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. We were on the road for six hours on Monday and stopped at a hotel for the night somewhere in Oklahoma. Lily was hating her carseat by the middle of the trip. She was so happy to be able to crawl around on a floor.

We're living a little tight now, but it's worht it. We all sleep in one room, but we at least have enough space for most of our things. I barely took anything with me, mostly the baby's things, but we're hoping to go back to Texas for the holidays.

We've settled in quite nicely this week and a half. There has been a lot of communication, and I'm actually happy. I've accepted the fact that J won't always be around to help because he works the graveyard shift and needs his rest. He's also going back to school and needs to go to class. I've accepted that I will have to be a housewife for now because that's the card I've been dealt. We're communicating and that's what matters to me. He helps me out a lot and I try to not be such a menace. He at least understands now just how much energy is needed to take care of Lily.

All in all, life has been better. I'm not stressed out, with the exception of chasing after Lily who is sticking everything in her mouth that she can possibly find. Things are working out and looking up.

After much thought and discussion, the baby and I will be moving back in with J on the 29. The visit late last month had gone rather well and the both of us were able to discuss a few points. He has changed so much and grown up in a lot of ways. His mother sees it, my mother, my sister, and myself. I'm proud of him. I hope he knows that.

I will be going back to school next month working on an associate degree in business management. I have to start from scratch due to the fact that I withdrew from my previous university before I had taken my finals for that semester. Regardless, both he and I will be going to school on alternate days so that at least one parent is home with the baby.

Life has been a bit stressful. I had to go to the emergency room late June because the day I had started my menstrual cycle, I was bleeding a sanitary napkin an hour. It's unnerving when you hemmorage that much. The service was unsatisfactory, but, being as I was uninsured at the time, I have a $2,000 debt to the ER, as well as $100 for the doctor who didn't even perform the pelvic exam that I needed.

I've been visiting my therapist again. Due to my symptoms of depression, paranoia, and anxiety, she referred me to a psychiatrist for treatment. I will be back on medication, but apparently, I need to be. I seem to function better with it. Also, my joint pain has increased and I've been going to the doctor regularly. At first he thought I may have Lyme Disease, but the second run in the lab stated negative. I have no disease, no arthritis, nor an infection. He will call me later in the week to refer me to a rheumatologist. I may be twenty, but my body feels and sounds like that of a 60 year old. I've tried to stay active, but the pain is sometimes inbearable. With all these medical visits...I take so many pills now...

There are a lot of things in my head that have nothing to do with reality. I'm not happy with myself, but I'm working on it.

These are the last three in the series of four. My element faeries that still need a LOT of work. I'm such a dork. I really need spare time nowadays, though...

So the plan for the apartment didn't work out as well as I wanted it to. *sigh* Some other day, some other time. I have plans to move out regardless even if it means moving in with friends. I can't stay at my mother's house any longer. I will drive myself insane. I did get the car, though. I need to take my road test some time this weekend or next week to get my liscense. I need work on my parallel parking.

Things have been hectic in their own sense. I am utterly broke. I needed to buy several things that Lily and I needed, and I went negative. The bank was nice enough to give me a courtesy waiver on the overdraft fee. One time deal. And diapers were needed.

Lily and I are going to visit her father in a few days. We'll be there for a week. I'm excited and a bit apprehensive. Truthfully, I have so many mixed emotions, but we'll see how things go. Some people change, some people don't...I leave the 10th.

I'm thinking of saving up money and going on a true vacation. Just grabbing my kid and leaving somewhere that I've never been for a week. I was thinking Boston, or NYC or even Hartford to go see the Wadsworth Atheneum. I've wanted to go there for a while, but money is a factor. For car rental, a cheap hotel (as in 65$ a night), then airfare and food for my monkey and me...Over 1000$ that I don't have. If I had friends in high places, or even those places it wouldn't cost me an arm, leg and kidney. Some day, maybe.

Keep positive. This too shall pass

This is a quote from one of my favourite books by one of my favourite authors. Witch Baby by Francesca Lia Block. I recommend the book (and the Weetzie Bat series it's in) and all the other books by FLB if you're stuck in a fairytale timewarp.

Out of boredom, I took my Mary Kay catalogue and went to town with it. (I sell Mary Kay cosmetics...)

I love making collages. I don't quite know why, but I do. There was no real thought process behind this one. I tend to just tear my magazines apart and then glue them on sheets of paper. Bad habit, really...

I was over at a friend's house playing a lovely round of D&D when I began doodling on the character information sheet. I liked it so much a redid it in this fashion. It soon became the first of 4 in my "element faery" series. :P It's not finished, like everything else I do.

My neighbor in the dorms (when I was going to school in 04) was taking a nap while I was sitting in her computer chair and talking with her roommate. Another failed attempt at drawing people. You must love the eye mask.

This is just a blog to post all my sketches. I'm not really any kind of artist except a bored one. I don't consider myself an artist, just an arts-and-crafts kind of girl. I seem to always manage to end up with glue, paint, and scraps of coloured paper on myself. I've even glued my clothes together. This is just something fun for me to do...

I turn 20 today. Nothing special...just a happy birthday to me.

So I made a very rough sketch budget last night with what I spend monthly and what I recieve monthly as well as putting money away for savings. After much thought, I'm going to get an apartment next month.


The room is very spacious, they cover hot and cold water, and the bills I'll have are cable, phone, and electricity. After making out my budget, I'll be cutting it pretty close, but it's very do-able. A friend of mine is selling her car for 1500$, which I saved up and already have, plus some, so I just have to add gas and insurance to the list, and it's still good.

My birthday present to myself will be the car and apartment. I love my mother and all, but I can't stand her. I need to get out of this house before I implode. It's too stressful here and she nags more than I do. I'm trying to tough it out, but I won't last for very long.

I feel good about this. I talk with the apartment manager tomorrow.

Life can seriously change you, especially the moment you become a parent.

..........

I recently went to Staples to buy the divorce kit. (Yes, they have divorce kits [and many other kits] at major office supplies stores) J and I had discussed a couple of things, but I know many more things need to be covered. I'm still trying to sort through all the papers I have to fill out and file. The faster I can do this (and hopefully without messing it up), the faster I no longer will have to keep doubting my desicions.

Many people have actually told me that I should give the marriage a second chance. But I'm still hurting. A lot. And the fact that I'm stubborn as a mule doesn't help, either. And even if I did, it wouldn't be a fair chance. Knowing my nature, I'd sit and wait for him just to mess up again. Any little excuse would do. I just don't have the patience for it. I don't think I ever did. I tried to; I wouldn't have lasted as long if I hadn't. I'm the girl who gives up on the first sign of trouble. I had to be three-and-a-half months pregnant, bruised, and severely scared to finally say "I've had enough."

I look at Lily every morning and night when she's asleep and I thank the Gods she's here with me. I could have miscarried. Someone didn't think he was harming the baby. Someone even threatened to take the baby away from me. Someone needed a reality check, and as mean as it sounds to some, I'm glad he got it.

I am so angry, and so hurt. When I first asked for the divorce he had kept saying about keeping our vows. Fuck vows. We were ruined before we were even married. I should have listened to my head. I knew it was just going to get worse. He first hit me in December. We were married a little over a month later in January. I let it go because he apologized. Funny thing was, he got pissed at me during an arguement becuase I was scared of him and would back up. Gee, I wonder why.

I guess at this point I should mention that I'm only 5-foot, 3/4 of an inch tall, and my husband, who was in the military at the time, was 30-40 pounds heavier and towers over me at 6'2".

There are times when I blame myself for this mess. Maybe if I hadn't done that, maybe if I had done more of this, maybe if I...but I didn't get him drunk, and I didn't place his hand around my neck.

He kept mentioning Matt. Matt. Matt. Matt. Fuck Matt. Matt's about as important as Wite-Out to a computer monitor. But no, Matt couldn't go. So every time he mentioned Matt, I kept my mouth shut about Tara. Yes, Tara. I never forgot about Tara. But it took him two years to mention Tara. Hell, he didn't even mention the Tara incident until after I talked about the Matt incident, which I didn't even have to tell him because he and I weren't even dating at the time it happened. We were dating during the Tara, though.

I was also "scolded" for keeping secrets, or for telling lies to keep those secrets. And yet I said nothing when he did. "Wait, what about cocaine? You told me you were having nosebleeds for some unknown reason. And what? You did what to get the cocaine? You gotta be kidding me" But did I say any of this? No. Why? 1. Because I'm stupid, apparently, and 2. I said to myself, "Let it go, Vonnie. It's in the past; he's entitled to a fresh start."

I was really trying to be a better person. I kept my mouth shut as much as I could but someone had been picking on me since I had moved to Omaha. Someone thought it'd be better to beat the niceness out of me. He also thought that reading my e-mails, without my permission, was appropriate. Oh, and I also was having fun. When in reality, I was complaining, I was miserable, and I was dying inside.

It is one of the worst feelings when you are scared of your own spouse. It's an even more worse feeling when that said spouse is on the verge of killing you and your unborn child. It is a horrible, horrible feeling that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

If it wasn't for my daughter being such a goofy baby, if it wasn't for her smiles, and giggles, her sighs, and snores, I know I would not be here today. I never said anything, but it took every ounce of energy I had to not be the stupid coward. I had the means to commit suicide, but I wanted my daughter to have the chance to live life. And still today, it takes all I have just to get out of bed or even to force myself to sleep. If I didn't love my daughter as much as I do, I don't know where I'd be right now.

I'm so glad I have Lily. I'll tell her the whole story, but obviously when she's older.

I've been doing well these past few weeks. J is still sending money, which helps buy diapers and wipes since Lily goes through 10 diapers a day and double the amount of wipes. Motherhood has become routine and I enjoy every minute of it.

I'm working on getting a minister's liscense. I started taking a couple of courses last week and I think I'm on my way. They're not easy, obviously, but I think I could make a pretty decent nondenominational (in every sense of the word) minister. I'm also working on going back to school in September.

There truly isn't much going on right now. I sleep, eat, feed and change the baby, and once in a while I go out with a friends or two. I also spend a lot of time at Mother's church because it keeps me occupied. I want a job but my mother won't let me work because the baby's too young. I'm bored out of my mind when Lily's sleeping.

I'm very tired.

J has been sending 50 dollars a week now. I'm very thankful, grateful that he's doing so. It helps out more than he knows.

We sent each other anniversary gifts. It was nice. So at least we celebrated it in some weird sort of way. We also talk when we can. It's awkward and things still hurt, but at least we talk. I want Lily to have parents that can communicate and be friends. I don't want her to have my parents.

I started my Mary Kay business. I don't know how that's going to go as I don't know many people who use the products. They are awesome products, if you ask me, but it will still be some time to know whether or not this is for me. I have everything I need, I just need customers.

I'm going back to school come June. I'll be starting cosmetology then, and by September, I'll be taking the basic classes necessary to continue my education before enrolling into the university. I've already applied for financial aid and all things needed, so fingers crossed 'til then. I just need to do something with my life if it's going to go anywhere.

I've fallen into the mother routine rather well. I can tell when my daughter is hungry, wet, soiled, or when she wants her pacifier. She's very calm, and not very needy, which alrms me in many ways, but all in all, it's a great experience to be enduring. I love my child more than words could ever express. I tell her so everyday.

I'm actually surprised that I am not suffering from post partum depression. It makes me feel stronger just knowing that.

It was exactly two weeks until my wedding anniversary yesterday. I didn't even realise it until now.

It saddens me, really, that our marriage fell apart long before we ever reached a year. It probably wouldn't have made it this long, but I was preoccupied with more important matters, like my child.

J and I still talk. Not as frequently as we used to; I merely call him to let him know how Lily is doing and sometimes I wonder how he is so it works both ways. He never calls. I tend to believe that he has it in his mind that I am not going through with the divorce. If he is, he's highly mistaken. Getting out of the house and filing is a little more tasking than I'd like it to be, but it will get done.

I still have the occasional nightmare. Mother says that I should let it go so that I can heal. I am fully aware of that. I think she forgets that it's easier said than done; I think she forgets how hard and long it took her to heal. It'll be years before I can trust again, before I can sleep peacefully through the night.

I am somewhat financially stable now. The military is paying me a monthly compensation. It's part of some victim's programme. I'm supposed to have military benefits for another year, but the United States military, especially the Air Force base in Offutt, is run by morons, so my paperwork, which I had finished and promptly mailed, was never filed.

I haven't told J about the compensation. I have it in my head that if I do, he'll get the "bright" idea of 'well, she's financially ok, I won't need to send anything.' To play it safe, he's not going to know. I need what I have. I owe $80 to my psychologist for a session, and I'm now paying my brother $275 a month for rent. I'm not even twenty-years-old yet. This is too much stress for a teenager to handle.

This is all his fault. I am so angry at my husband.

Happy Yule
and other winter holidays

So I've come to the conclusion of getting a divorce. It just came to me. At first I thought that there was no real logic behind it, just an excuse to get out of the situation, but in all honesty, I don't want to be with J. I love him, yes. No matter what he thinks or says about me, I will always love him. But love is not enough. I don't trust him. I don't like him. I don't think I will ever forgive him for what he's done.

I have not forgiven my stepdad for sexually and physically abusing me, and he's been dead for five years. I have not forgiven my father for making me feel like I wasn't loved, even though he's aware of it and has asked for forgiveness. So what would make me forgive my husband for strangling me and jeapordising the life of my child and I? Nothing. I'd be unhappy.

So forgive me if I'm being selfish by thinking of myself, but with all these negative feelings toward a person, what is the point of staying married. I know J wanted us to try and save our marriage. But even he says that I am a bad person for one reason or another and the only reason he hasn't bailed out is because he loves me. I just don't understand the logic behind that.

Throughout this whole situation I've rarely spoken ill of him. Most people think I'm crazy for even wanting to talk to him, but I just didn't have it in my heart to make him out to be a bad person. He's just a guy who's made mistakes. But he continues to twist my words around, leaving me incapable of explaining my feelings. I'm overwhelmed as is with Lily on the way. I wasn't ready to be married. And I still am not. I'm not trying to make him the bad guy, but I'm not the bad guy either. Am I wrong for wanting to be happy even if it means leaving my husband behind? I never said he was wrong for wanting his family back. Not once did I say he was wrong for feeling the way he did, he just assumed that's what I thought.

I can't keep doing this. I don't know if it's my fault or his, but we're running around in circles and getting nowhere fast. I think this is the best thing, no matter how much it hurts.

I married a bratty idiot.

The more we argue, the more he acts like a child, and the more I get frustrated, the more I realise that he is not ready. I normally do not speak ill of him, but today, I just can't help it.

J's hearing was Friday morning, shortly before my appointment with the obstetrician, so I called to see what the sentencing was. I was unable to speak to him until after my appointment, however, as my phone seemed to be ringing continuously from several different things. One- I finally talked to the legal office on base to file my compensation under URGENT as it has taken them almost 2 months to even finish signing the papers and, according to my doctor, am due to give birth in about a week. Two- My Medicaid insurance is all kinds of messed up from something to do with my maiden/married name and they are also still showing Tricare as my primary insurance when I have not been insured by them since October. Three- the probation office called just to let me know that J's hearing was that day and that even though they did not have all the information from the judge yet, they had a rough estimate. Long story short, eighteen months probation with six months of Domestic Violence education classes along with anger management, AA, daily phone calls to check about drug tests, monthly probation check-ups, some more things, and a $300 fine.

So, after extensive thought that night, I came to the conclusion that financially and emotionally, my husband is not ready for a family. He believes that even though he's staying with two roommates in a small duplex apartment while sleeping on a couch (and having 18 months of probation), he can fit spouse and infant child in the picture because he has a decent-paying job. That has no logic behind it, and yet he doesn't seem to understand that.

When I was speaking to him last night, I asked if he could come visit sometime during January. Without thought, he said no. I understand the holidays, but why no in January? He said that having to ask permission from two entities (work and probation officer) very rarely would he get a yes from both. I am not in his situation, therefore I did not argue and left it at that. However, to my surprise, he asked why. "To see your daughter before she gets too big." He suddenly asked, "So wait, this means you don't want to be with me?" I was taken aback for a second. I hadn't really thought of it in that way, but in all honesty, it really was. So I said the truth, "at this moment in time, no." He was not the least bit happy. He asked when I was going to tell him, and I said that I had just come to this conclusion last night, and then, much to my chagrin, he hung up the phone like a bratty little child instead of discussing it further.

J doesn't get it. He just doesn't understand. And what saddens me more is the fact that I, the "childish" one, am thinking things much thoroughly than he, and handling our situations more like an adult than he has. I'm the only who is growing up, however slowly it may be, and he's still stuck in the same rut. He doesn't even realise the stupidity that comes out of his mouth or the childish nature he acts toward everything that isn't going his way.

I give up. I was hoping for that "happily-ever after," but I know I'm not going to get it. I am better off staying here with my mother, however pathetic or inadequate I feel, because it is where I am safe, cared for, and am assured that my daughter will never want or need. If my husband cannot see that, then there is no point. It will just be a waste of time and energy that I do not have. I am staying here and that's it. If he doesn't have the capacity of understanding that, then there's nothing I can do and it's his loss.

I'm done.

Had the interview this morning for state-funded health insurance. Both Lily and I are now covered and they were able to backdate it to when my original insurance had run out. Moments like this make me appreciate the government. Without it I would not have food or proper healthcare. Now all I must do is go first thing tomorrow morning to the office retrieve my new insurance card.

Physically I'm in serious pain. My hips feels as if they are trying to split my pelvis in two. My back is sore and body swollen; I've had lack of sleep from not being able to find a decent position to lay in. I'm left feeling exhausted and irratable. Emotionally I'm nervous about Thanksgiving. The concept of the holiday isn't what bothers me; my family and I have a hard time getting along during family gatherings. Holidays and get-togethers are always started and/or left with arguing. I love my family, but my mother and brother have the tendency to make things difficult. I translated my mother's Thanksgiving sermon from English to Spanish.



I miss the life I had before all of this. I miss the people, how things were and the energy. I miss it all...

So I've come to realise that I'm still mad at him.

I had an interview today with a lady from the probation office. I had to retell what happened, share my feelings and tell her what I thought would be the best punishment for J. I thought it would be okay, but I still cried. I still had to stop and regain composure, but I fell apart all over again. The minute I hung up the phone I was in the bathroom sitting on the floor with my face in my shirt getting it all soggy. I'm still not over it.

I told her that all in all J was a good person who just made a really bad mistake. That he was young and only human. I told her I believed in second chances and that he deserved one...I just told her the truth. When she asked what I thought his sentencing should be I told her that I thought he was punished enough. When everything happened he was incarcerated for a week or two and lost everything he had worked so hard for. His hearing is on 2 Decemember.

I think the thing that bothers me the most right now is that I know he's sorry and I want to forgive him, but I just can't. I keep trying and I can't. I keep trying to put it behind me so I could move on, but it's still there. And no matter how hard I try I still get nightmares and I still get scared. I want it to go away but it hasn't. And then I want to hate him, but I can't and it makes it that much harder. If I could just hate him, then this whole situation would just be easier. I want to blame him for everything, but everything is not his fault. I want peace, but I can't find it and I'm mad at him for it. I'm so mad that it just won't go away.

I'm just so tired of breaking down. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like falling apart. I just wish I could fully forgive him right now so I wouldn't have to deal with this.

After my fit in the bathroom, I sent him an email of everything in this entry. He wants to know what's going on in my head, and since I'm horrible with communicating verbally, writing it all down is the next best thing. I'm exhausted from crying so much and I haven't been feeling well to begin with. I keep waiting for something more.

Things have changed in the past few months.

I've begun teaching Sunday school at my mother's church. It's going well and they like how we interact. I'm still in the teenage-state of mind, so it's a lot easier for me to understand what they say and for me to explain things to them. I'm really enjoying it. True, it's Christianity, and I'm as far from Christian as possible right now, but it's a learning experience. I'm trying to teach them to be open-minded. It makes life a lot easier for me, anyway.

Lily is due in a month. I'm very apprehensive. So many emotions keep running through my body and I am left feeling numb at the end of the day. Along with Mary Kay, I've started babysitting friends' children to earn some quick cash here and there. It's helping out a bit. I can do my little errands when I need to. I'm still scared, though. It’s very difficult sometimes. I keep trying to convince myself that everything will be okay, but the main people from whom I want the most support from have very little faith in me; it's makes it that much harder.

J and I have discussed a few things. I don't think I remember most of it. I have the tendency that if it's not written down, I will forget. But I do remember a few things. I don't think he understands pregnancy as much as he would like to believe. I told him Lily had hiccups and he actually said "I doubt it," because he thought it wasn't possible. I wonder if he realises he's not a pregnant female nor does he have a now weekly appointment with an obstetrician to check on fetal progress. I think I know a little bit more about our child than he. But I'm getting sidetracked.

There are times when I wish things were different. I've forgiven J to some extent. I will give him a chance. He is my husband and the father of my child, and he has shown progress on trying to find the right path in life. I, too, am trying to better myself as a human being. I haven't been able to continue my counseling sessions, as my insurance has run out and I must fix that later on this morning. However, even though I feel that I have forgiven him for the way he reacted and treated things, it's still a difficult process to try and put aside sometimes. I don't know if I'll ever truly get over it. My mother swears that he will always beat me out of anger, that he will always drink, and that he will always screw up our (he and my) lives. Then again, my mother, and the rest of the family for that matter, has never been truly supportive. Frankly, I think both my and his parents need to quit meddling because all they are doing is making matters worse. I'm truly exhausted from all this nonsense.

J wants to start anew somewhere else, somewhere fresh. I want to stay here. Not because I don't want the same, but because I am not yet ready. I have many things to work out that need time and whether he likes it or not, I refuse to budge. It's not that his feelings are irrelevant to me, but if he wants a decent marriage, he needs to realise that if I'm not ready, if either of us is not ready, the marriage will fall apart all over again, and this time, I'm not willing to go through that scenario again. I have a pregnancy that I will soon finish and an infant that I must soon take care of. Peace and tranquility is my main foundation to be able to function.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I will not be able to pursue what I had once planned. I do not have the money, nor the transportation and materials to do so. I do see, however, that this is for the best. I was given this problem for a reason, and I believe it was to see that I need time to take care of my newborn first, before I make drastic changes and plans for the future.

Carrying Lily for these past eight and a half months has been a God send. I prayed to Gaia for a month so that I could carry a child, and she granted me my wish. I then prayed that I had a healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy, and that labor and delivery would run smoothly and would be as unstressful as possible. I'm soon approaching the time for Lily's birth and all has gone as well as I had hoped. My spirituality has reached one of its highest moments, and I'm thankful for that. It has kept me sane for the most part, and I feel that I can tackle just about any obstacle that is put in my way. I may be a bit fearful with each new task of life, but I will soon overcome.

J and I have been talking since Monday night. It's actually been a relief to be able to discuss things in a civil manner. He's accepted the fact that he was the one at fault and many other things and has taken the proper steps on becoming a better person. He now has a certificate from Anger Management. He has finished all his counseling there.

However, as of yesterday afternoon, J is currently unemployed. The military finally discharged him and he's filing for unemployment this afternoon. We almost got into an arguement for a moment. I, being the emotional mess that I naturally am and it being worse through pregnancy hormones, panicked. He thought I was being so because then I wouldn't get any money. Once I had calmed down a bit I explained to him that I still worry about his wellbeing, and not only that, but everything that happens to him, especially financially, will effect both Lily and I. He understood, and proceeded to tell me that he did talk to TRICARE before his out-process. I will be insured throughout the pregnancy until the day after Lily is born; then I'm on my own.

I'm scared, but a lot calmer about the situation. I'm more worried about what I'm supposed to do, but all I really can do is take care of myself and my child until she's born and then go from there. I pray that I get all the necessary scholarships that I applied for so that I can not worry about tuition, and if I do, then I can easily have health care and child care services taken care of. I know my knees and head will be sore for a long while; I'll be praying like a maniac.

I'm slowly losing sanity. This is not a figure of speech. I wake up in the middle of the night sobbing and talk to people who aren't there. I've been hallucinating, and what bothers me the most is that I know it is not real, but my body doesn't respond to that sense of logic. I need to go back into therapy. I had stopped because it was still difficult to get everything out. I thought I had begun to heal, but about a week ago the preosecuting attourney called me and after speaking to her, I burst into tears once I hung up the phone.

This just keeps getting harder and harder as the time progresses. I'm not too worried about it. Since I haven't spoken to J in the past month or two, I have stayed focus on my goals. I have already been accepted back at TSU, I have already sent out applications to scholarship funds, as well as one provided by the school, and I have also contacted child care centers for infants. I'm nervous and excited and scared. I keep praying that all goes as planned.

J will be discharged from the military. No one knows when, but he will be. He has also started to pay alimony. I'm depressed and sick with sinusitis. I am constantly exhausted and I hope that this feeling will go away soon. I just want December to come. Everything has become too much to bear.

So, it's been a while...

I've been living with my mom for almost two months now. I'm nineteen, married and pregnant and now living alone back with my mother. It's rather embarrassing for me, really.

The baby's a girl. I went for my 24 week check up on Monday and it's official. I'm very excited about this and I can't wait for Lily to arrive. I don't know, maybe I've just watched too many episodes of Gilmore Girls that I've been brainwashed, but I hope to have a good relationship with my daughter. I want her to be articulate, literate, smart, talented, special. Something I am, but am not very good at. I don't want what I have with my mother. I love her, yes, but I can't stand her the majority of the time, and as much as I don't like doing it, I avoid her as much as possible.

I don't know if I'll get divorced, or if I'll stayed married. The legal offices informed me that J will be discharged soon, and my only concern right now is health insurance for the baby, especially now since it's about $8,000 to deliver a healthy baby without any complications, and frankly, I don't have that kind of money. I don't have any money. I was supposed to be working by now but that fell through. Paul said he would give me a secretary job at his work and that he'd call me that Tuesday when he was hiring. That was almost three weeks ago and no word whatsoever. I've tried to contact him and he has yet to return a single phone call. So I'm upset, disappointed, and must earn money some other way since I'm quite sure my husband isn't going to send me any financial support any time soon. I've resorted to applications at Wendy's and Dollar General, and to Hobby Lobby and Walmart soon. I really don't want to, especially since it's hard for a woman in her sixth month of pregnancy to find a job nowadays.

On a different note, I've filled out and sent applications for scholarships and school. I've been reaccepted to TSU for the 2006 spring semester (I just need to pay my $25 application fee with money I don't have), and I still have to send in my essay for a few scholarship applications. I feel worn out with it, but it doesn't really matter. I need to pay all these things (application fee, $100 housing fee, $24 for a driver's test so I can finally get my liscence) and I have no way of doing so. I have about $12.43 in my bank account, and no job. But I digress.

It's raining here. I feel worth/hopeless. There's not much for me to do now but wait.

After a few sessions in therapy/counseling, I have come to the conclusion that J has had a control problem throughout our relationship and marriage. Mother, form the beginning, told me he did, but I didn't see it. I didn't see it until now.

J always wanted me to be this perfect wife. I wanted to be this perfect wife for him, not because I felt I had to change, but because I wanted to make him happy. The problem was that I am not this perfect wife. I'm just the perfect me. With all my dysfunctions and problems, my flaws, faults, and issues; to be the perfect wife I would have to block out my eccentric personality to a point where I just couldn't be myself. During one of our arguments, J complained about how his friends could easily "figure me out" and that it embarrassed him. It embarrassed him that people who barely knew me time span-wise, knew me personality-wise. They had pinpointed what made me tick and how I reacted to things. He then asked me why I was so un-phased by it, how I could just sit there and not care. Simple, I have nothing to hide from anyone. Yet he was embarrassed by that, as if my personality was something to be ashamed of.

Another thing that irked me was back in March when I had asked him if it was okay if I joined a Pagan-based folk-like band. I had talked to the head of the group and we were both looking forward to meeting each other and possibly forming a good bond. I was looking forward to also finally having something to do and people to talk to. J said no. His reason, that I would then get involved into the group and not have the initiative to get a job or do anything else with my life. I was very upset about this. I felt that he had little faith in me. But recently while I was pondering upon this, I came to terms with the fact that J knows me. He knows how I am. I'm very articulate and outgoing. I make friends easily and can multitask quite efficiently. I'm a Gemini, it's in my nature. He knew this. SO I began reflecting on this and came to the deduction that his main reason was that he thought I would get so involved with these people that he wouldn't get any attention.

He wanted me for himself. As flattering as it was, when you see it through a different perspective, it's a bit unnerving. He wanted me to be solely dependant on him, to be happy with just his company. I always wondered why he was so unhappy that I sometimes just wanted someone else to talk to. I love my husband, yes, but sometimes, you just can't sit in a place twenty four hours a day and only be able to interact physically and mentally with just one person. He would say I have all these friends; true, but all my friends, everyone whom I had a relationship with, were all back home in Texas or in different states and even countries. He could get calls from someone to come over and just hang out. What did I get? A call from someone, yes, but asking how I was. That's as far as the interaction could go. I couldn't go to a friend's house.

He'd take me to his friend's houses, yes, but most of the time I felt awkward and out of place there. I didn't know these people like he did. They weren't my friends, they were his. It's nice that he wanted to share them, but it just wasn't the same. The people knew J in a different way than I did, and vice versa. I don't think he realised that, and if he did, he surely didn't understand it.

Another thing I've come to conclude is that he hasn't completely come to accordance to what he did. I understand I am difficult and manipulative. I learned how to be so at a young age, but as much as he wants to blame his actions upon me, he chose to react the way he did. He feels that abuse is abuse no matter what label you put on it. I understand that, and agree to some degree, but I do believe that physical abuse and emotional abuse are two separate forms. You can be internally, emotionally, mentally scarred for life with things said to you, but you can die from things done to you. I may have been cruel and mean, which I still don't know how I have been, but I'll accept that I have, but he could have easily lived through that with only his ego hurt. Yet on the other hand, I could have died and he would have been none the wiser. The only way emotional abuse can kill you is if you let it consume you and you go and kill yourself. He also believes that I want him in jail out of spite and anger. Imbecile. He committed a crime, and he has yet to understand that.

Frankly, I wash my hands of this.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"

...

I have come to the realisation that I will never be happy. I'm not writing this out of self-pity or self-sympathy, but out of truth. I will always be miserable because I will never be happy. As much as I hate to admit it, and as much as I tried to run from it, I am my mother. I am stubborn, bitter, scorned, and will never be satisfied. And as much as I can love and be loved I will never be able to be happy and to make anyone else happy. All in all, I have screwed my own self over, but at least I won't lie to myself anymore.

've been thinking more than usual lately about all of the desicions that I have to make in the near future. There is just so much that has to be done. Right now I'm just trying to see and do things a little at a time, but it's hard not to have my brain constantly turning things over in my head.

...

I'm going to start working soon. I'm not quite sure when, yet for everyone has to move into the new building and I have to go through the interview process. With the job set in place, and now that I have WIC and will soon get Food Stamps, I quite confident that all things will play out as need be. I'm hoping to get enough money to have my own apartment once little Lily/John is born. I don't wnt to keep staying at my mother's house. My family's a bit two-faced and if they help you out they tend to throw it back at you and make you "selfish" if you can't help them, whether it's a legitimate excuse or not. I'm not going to get into that, I've gone off-topic. But even if I have to get section 8 to help with a place to live, I will have one shortly after the baby is born. I've come to the desicion that no matter how much I love J, I can't go back. I'm going to stay here where I'm the happiest. I know I'm home on not the greatest circumstances, but I'm happy at home. This is where I belong and it took me a while to realise that.

If all goes well, I'm going to try and take a few classes. I need to go back to school. If I can't get into the community college, or if I have little time to do so juggling work and a baby, then I'll try online courses instead. I'm going for a BA in English with certifiction so that I may teach, and I've been contemplating getting a degree in Theology. I could also get a non-denominational minsiter's lisecnse. I love both things, so finger's crossed until then.

I also don't know what the future really holds for J and me. I want us to be happy and to raise the family we planned, but I just don't know anymore. There's so much that has happened and so much unhappiness with each other, I'm not sure if it would work anymore. Maybe I've just exhausted myself with thought and I need some more time. This all really needs time.

Everything lately seems as if it has been falling apart. My marriage, my family, my friends...the list can continue with all that's been happening.

Lucy and her children have been through hell and back. Everything with her husband is falling to pieces and her daughters are suffering as well. They are all going through everything I am, but I can understand Lucy and her girl's confusion. I wish I could talk to them. I've been in the same spots as they, and maybe with a bit of insight, they can make their decision. NO one deserves to go through abuse and neglect in that way. No one. I’ve gone through this before and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

...

I don't know what to say to him anymore. J and my marriage started falling apart long before we were ever married. It's sad that it had to do so in this way, especially now with a baby on the way, but what else could I really do but run? I'm quite sure he thinks I want him in jail out of spite, but it's not that. He committed a crime and thus must pay for it. I know he's seeking counseling, but he still committed a crime. You just can't forget things like that. Maybe someday he will understand where I am coming from, but until then, all we need now is time to heal. I'm tired of this mess and all I want is to take care of myself and my unborn child. I know everything falling apart is not entirely his fault. He messed up, badly, but he snapped as well. I'm a rather difficult person to live with and I just wouldn't budge. I don't exactly know how. I've tried, but I hide behind the wall I've built. I don't think anything can change that. I'm going to continue trying, but I cannot get my hopes up on it. I'm bitter, and what's sad is that I'm not even twenty years old.

...

I've been taking care of my sister's kids this past week. They are both a handful but at least they behave when it's necessary. Sol is going through some major issues right now with her eyesight. I’m very worried and don't know what to say to her, so I try and lighten the mood with a quick joke or anecdote. She had surgery yesterday to try and fix the damage that was done. She's been having blood leaks in her eyeball. It's pretty bad in her right eye, but her left eye is now suffering as well. I'm petrified that she will become blind and disabled. She doesn't deserve that. She is the closest thing I have in this family, and I just want what’s best for her. She's a wonderful person, and it's frustrating that I can't do a thing to help her except be there for her when she needs me and pray.

...

I'm so depressed and emotionally exhausted with everything. I wish constantly that it will all go away so. That time will pass and all will heal and return to a semblance of normalcy. My baby is the only thing keeping me alive.

Monthly Stuff...School...ew!

This is like how the school year's gonna be...I'm really bored, so I have to occupy my mind with something...

Aug 7-9----Fish Camp and Registration
Aug 14-20--Teacher Work Days
Aug 21-----First Day of School
Sep 03-----Labor Day Holiday
Oct 18-----Early Out
Oct 19-----Ft. Hood Family Day (Holiday)
Oct 29-----Teacher Work Day
Nov 12-----Veteren's Day Holiday
Nov 21-23--Thanksgiving Vacation
Dec 20-----Early Out
Dec 21-31--Chritsmas Vacation
Jan 01-04--Winter Vacation
Jan 18-----Early Out
Jan 19-----No school
Jan 21-----Martin Luther King, Jr. Holiday
Jan 29-----Teacher Work Day
Feb 07-08--Teacher Work Day
Feb 18-----No School
Mar 18-22--Spring Vacation
Mar 29-----Easter Holiday
Apr 05-----Early Out
May 03-----No School
May 27-----No School
June 6-----Last Day of School
June 7-----Teacher Work Day

School...before it even starts

Argh! School starts in a week and like something days. (Aug. 21) I so want to go so that way I can get a vacation from my mother. YES!

These are the classes I'm taking:

1st Term
ROTC 2
AP English 2
Choir Varsity
Geometry

2nd Term

ROTC 2
AP World Geography
Choir Varsity
INPC (Physics and Chem)

It's not technically in that order but close enough. I hope my ID picture came out good, though. I have to go to Drill Team practice all next week at 8 am. Monday and Thursday is from 8 to 4 pm. And then Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday is up until 11 am. So I'm gonna be happy those days. I'm still on spinning probation which sucks, b/c I LOVE spinning my rifle. But now I can't until after school starts. :(

Arturo, my ex, poked me in the boob yesterday. I was sitting next to him during our lunch break and he was like, "Did your boobs grow? 'Cause they seem bigger" And then he poked it. And Luis said yeah, that they had grown...and I said so, also. But he didn't have to poke it!And they are still growing b/c they are incredibly so sore right now. I have the curse of the big-breasted family...And it sucks!

I got all my school supplies today. Well, actually the folders that I needed for my binder. I'm gonna have such a weird mix in there. I got Winnie the Pooh, Mickey Mouse, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears and N*Sync. Talk about a mess of folders in there!!!

Well, I'm talking to Vanessa right now on IM's. We're making fun of Zeke....well, I am...he left today with his girlfriend to PA. And I'm over here making smart ass comments... :) Just like a Puertorra...gotta luv me!

My boob still hurts...and I have to pee... *sigh*
Well...what was I going to say again? I'm at a blank...

My mom found out yesterday through Chris's mom why Chris and I broke up. So we had a very long concersation and discussion about the whole ordeal. She asked Chris to come over today so that way she could talk to him and I could talk to him better than sending e-mail.

He left about 15 minutes ago. My mom put how she felt about this and how she agreed and disagreed with our choices, then Chris and I talked and this time I actually talked better than just sitting there like a moron and not saying anything. I told him the whole story ike it was, how I felt and everything, and he listend and he understood better. Now we're friends. Now we no longer feel awkward talking to each other and stuff and we both feel a lot better now being able to understand both of our views...

Well, that's about it now...so I'll talk more later when I calm down and finish cleaning.

Sprained

I busted my wrist today in Drill Team practice. Damn stupid wooden rifle. Now I can't spin it for another week and a half. So I'm going to be running on errands and stuff, just watch. But anyways, these damn freshmen are getting on my nerves. They won't let any of the drill teams practice, they all have an attutude problem, and I'm about to kick all of their asses.

Well, I have to shut up and go to church now b/c my ride just got here and I have to eat.

Oh, and almost forgot....Happy sweet 15, Quinceñera...whatever, Vaness....you know what I meant!

Fish Camp

You know what sucks?? I have to be at school these up coming weeks and school hasn't even started yet!! Today starts the official day of Fish Camp. It's a before-school-starts kind of camp for the incoming Freshmen (fish) at our high school. Me, as a former fish in ROTC, has to help out the other incoming fish to learn hohw to march and spin a rifle and all that good stuff. Which I really do not want to do. So it's like 7:10 in the morning and I'm sitting here in my underwear and a towel wondering...why am I doing this?? Most of my friends are on the Male Drill Team so I don't have to worry about being alone. But I still don't want to do it. I have to be there by 9 am. I'm actually going to be there at around 8:15 considering the fact that I still haven't had my ID for school done yet. (I broke the camera) :)

Vanessa's grounded. I have no idea for how long, but she got caught sneaking out of the house or back in...one of those two. She said she was just out and about. :( She needs to get off groundation though. And Arthur's probably still grounded, too

Well, My long ass hair is getting the chair and stuff wet b/c it's dripping, so I'm going to go put some clothes on now!

Nothing New...Just the Usual

I'm on the internet talking to friends...Jill said Hi to me. :) Bernadtte and I are having a serious convo about our feelings about Humberto...

I came home from PR today. I left Saturday, the 21. I came home around 5:30 pm and my mom wouldn't let me do a damn thing when I got home, so I had to stay home....

I met my real father for the first time ever on the 23. My mom was walking down the street in the pueblo and she spots him in a Beauty Supply store with his wife. She introduced us. I was about to cry. I was thankful I held back all those tears that I felt coming. All I did was look at the floor. I asked him for his address and stuff and he gave it to me. But that was a very unwanted reunion. It came to fast...and nothing was planned, and like always, my mother pissed me off afterward.

We rented a golf cart on my mom's birthday and rode around Palmas Del Mar for the whole day. It was pretty fun because we all took turns driving it. That day was also the Puerto Rican Independence Day. (July 25)

Friday, the 27, my Tio Juan took us to Poncé. It's a very pretty place. We stayed at the Hotel Meliá for three days. He took us to Castillo Seralles, and Hacienda Buena Vista. But they were boring because it felt like I was in History class on a field trip. A Puerto Rican history class.

That was my whole 2 weeks in PR. Talk about seriously boring. I got to watch The Score, starring Robert De Niro. It was a good movie. But I am so glad to be finally home!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sorry, I just felt aggitated and felt like "screaming".

I went to my old youth class up in FWWM today! I had so much fun and everyone was glad to see me again. We made little autograph book and stuff in class. Karl told me to come back to church NOW! and in his words! So I guess I have missed them a lot. Brandy was practically bouncing off the cieling when she saw me and I gave her a present of a Sailor Moon poster for her birthday. I feel so happy!

I went to the movies today and saw Legally Blonde. I so loved that movie! It's so funny! I can't wait for college. I'm thinking of going to Harvard, but not law. I'm taking meteorology. Tom, Cris and I went to see it. I liked it. But you know guys these days and chick flicks. Well, later!!! :)

I'm talking to my sister and Nessa online. My sister's being a dork...family trait. But anyways, I get to go to the pool today with Nathalia. I'm hoping to talk to Chris about what next today, too. This month has been pretty hectic and today I finally get a break. My day off, and i"ve been waiting for a while. My calendar is a mess...

I got Sunday Church services at 10.30 am on July 1, 8, and 15. I have Chruch Choir Rehersal on Mondays the 2, 9, and 16. Then I had a campaña for three days for the 6, 7, and 8. The I have Tuesday service for 3, 10, and 17, and then a meeting for choir on the 11 with a FWWM youth class on the 18. I'm going to the pool with Nessa today and next week, 19, I have to start packing and spend my day with Jenny M. Then of course I have my friday services at 7:30 Pm. Then Saturday, 21, i leave at 6 in the morning for PR and I don't come home until the 31!!! So, i need this day off...I just hope it doesn't turn out to be a bad one.... :(

Chris called me today around 3:30 pm. He got the e-mail and he sounded really upset. I was bawling on that phone and crying my eyes out. I could hear his hurt and dissappiontment in his voice...he's gonna dump me, I know it... :( Well, I'm going to go to bed, I just got home from church. Cris apologized, I didn't even care or even listen. I never wanted it to end this way! AH! I'm so upset!

The dreaded thing happen! The one thing I thought I wouldn't do again! The one thing I promised Chris I wouldn't do! And I did it! I can't believe it!! I'm so upset with myself! I have to tell him right away! This is the letter that I've e-mailed him today...

The e-mail is below...

Subject :
please read the whole thing!! --vonnie

Date :
Mon, 9 Jul 2001 01:51:14 EDT

Chris,

From the get go, I just want to say that I am tremendously sorry, I had no
idea why this happened and that I love you the same as I always have. Now
remember on Saturday how I was curious to know what would happen if you found
out if you had made out w/ another guy? Well, I jynx myself.

I'm so sorry. It happened today (Sunday) at the movies with Cris Brown. Now
don't be going to church and killing him. OK? I blame myself, even though he
was the one who grabbed my face and kissed me, I still kissed back. I'm
sorry. I never wanted to do something so stupid like that!

I know you probably hate me right now...and I can't belive I even did that. I
don't know why, and I don't even know how. I'm being honest with you becuase
I don't want you to be finding this out by someone else, and I know I'm
seriously risking a shit load, just everything...but I'm sorry. I have to be
honest with you. I can never lie or keep something from you. And I never
will. You are my everything, and I just ruined it. Everything that I ever
had, I just lost for doing the most stupidest and most retarded thing I have
ever done. I let my hormones get the best of me. And it's my fault...

Don't be mad at Cris. Be mostly mad at me, b/c I don't want anything more
worse to happen. I'm in tears right now, so I am REALLY SORRY. I'm
emotionally sorry, and as a person in general...I'm a very sorry person for
doing this. I never thought I would do something like this!!

If your mad at me, like beyond pissed off, I understand. If you're going to
dump me, I seriously understand. And I just want to let you know that even
though I know your going to make my life a living hell...more than it already
is...I'll still love you and I'll still regret kissing Cris...please forgive
me...eventually. I know it will take time...

I'm sorry. Call me as soon as you get this if you want or e-mail me or
whatever...
I'm sorry...

Much Love Always and Forever,
Vonnie



I'm still in shock from it all!!! Argh! :( I don't know what to think anymore!

I finally got to talk to Chris after this big week of total silence and stress! I've been so busy. He tells me Christen and Grant are having problems b/c Grant was making out with other girls...I wonder what would happen if that happened with me and Chris?? I asked him today and he said he would disown me...I so hope I can keep my word. I promised him I'd never do it... But I have to go, b/c I have church tomorrow morning...

ID4 2k1

I went to the carnival, and I just got home. My feet are killing me. I was there from 7:30 up until it closed which was at midnight. I waited for Nessa and Amber to go, but I guess they couldn't make it.

Well, the fireworks were pretty cool. I met up with some old buddies from HHHS. And I met Cris Brown's friends and stuff and I got phone numbers and then some...but Cris Brown and I made our own little fireworks when we were watching them...

Well, like I said, my feet hurt, I'm not exactly tired but I'm going to go lie down and meditate now...

Typical Guy!

Guys! They are so stupid! Thank goodness I'm bi! I got girls to back me up when I need it, and they can treat me right! Vanessa's having a few probs, and as her personal teenaged shrink I was kinda helpin her out.

Well, she goes w/ Amber, but Zeke is kinda screwing with Nessa's head. So she's all confused. So us girls are sitting here reading his journal entry and he lays it out like Nessa and his g/f are some type of exhibits! And Nessa's "B". I was like...Jesus! Hell, I'd be like...sorry, but i aint no exhibit B...get your own damn lab, and keep me away from it...your stuck with a...b/c i'm a human being and i'm gonna be talked about as one!

If I was talkin about a girl I wanted to be with and some guy I wanted to be with I would not make them box 1 and 2, I would use thier names...I mean, they do have one!! Well, Nessa's gonna go post her "exhibit B" comment! ::devious smile:: Smell ya later!

Witching Hour....

It just turned midnight right when I opened this to update it! Man, that's kinda cool, though. I'm still awake, I still haven't slept, and I still feel like shit.

My mom took me to see the Velez's and we gave Juan his old Father's Day gift that we couldn't give him b/c we couldn't go...and then we went to the Soto's to give Jackie her Congrats, Grad card since we weren't able to before, and then we went to the Castellanos' and I got my grub on w/ some salad.

My mom had to talk to Carmine while she was there, b/c Carmine has being making up stories that could get people in a big mess. To our company she was saying that our house was dirty, that I was straight up lazy and didn't do shit around the house, that my mom didn't cook and had to go to Ary's house to eat food and this other bullshit...and then she started PMSing b/c we didn't give her pictures. For one thing, the pictures that she had in her hand were the wrong ones...but, oh, well...

But other than that, my day was the same like usual. Nothing out of the ordinary. I have to go to my church's garage sale in about 8 hours...but I still feel suicidal...you know what I mean? I just feel so alone at times....which pisses my best friends off. ::jason:: And I know it would seriously bother my boyfriend...

I know I should just let things go and live on...but it's easier said than done. It's been a traumatizing 6 years...it's not that easy...

I've gotten into the habit of hurting myself again...it's actually rather easy now. All I have to do is burn myself...it's not even that hard. I spread salt on the area I want, put and ice cube on it, hold it for a minute...the process stings for a while b/c it's burning skin, but the ice also numbs it in a way...and then release. Wipe off any excess salt and you're done...You have a fresh burn that hurts like a mug in the next 24 hours...

Well, my leg just fell asleep, and I'm still wide awake...

Emotions...

Emotions

It's hard to accept
When your heart is frozen solid
You want to feel
What others feel,
But somehow
You can't...

Your emotions are something
I will never be able to touch
Unfortunately
Death is all I feel
Deep inside my soul
Eating me alive...

I want so much just to be able
To recieve
Those same feelings...
But I'm stuck
In my endless darkness
Dying from within

A True Insomniac

Man, I woke at noon...YESTERDAY AFTERNOON!!! i have not gone to sleep yet. I am exhausted, depressed, and I'm sick to my stomache. I haven't had a good night's sleep in like forever. I don't think I'll ever get better. I just keep getting worse. And nothing's really helping me...

I can't sleep, I barely eat, and I keep on losing and gaining weight. I'm alright on weight and stuff, but mentally, I'm just not all there...I need help, I just don't know how to ask for it...

Slowly, I feel as if I'm killing myself. But first starting mentally...like screw up my mind first and then work from the inside out...I'm not afraid of death, or suicide...i've tried it before and I'm not afraid to do it again...

It's just that feeling of emptiness...that feeling that you somehow can't fix, and that hole that no one can repair but yourself, but you just don't know how.

My house is freezing and My body's burning up, and I'm about to throw up. I put a smile on my face every day so no one can see my pain, but it's still there...I'm afraid...

Afraid that I will never be able to excape my little black hole...

What A Day, What A Day....

Well, today was a pretty normal day. I’m actually tired at the moment. My mom put me to work today. I had to help her put the bricks down by the patio and I got all dirty and smelly and sweaty and everything in between. I just came back from Ary’s house b/c I got a craving for Ice Cream and she had plenty of it in her freezer. We tried to catch the ice cream truck but we missed it…

My feet hurt, my hands are shaking and I haven’t eaten anything since I woke up this morning. All I ate was an ice cream bar and that was it. Nothing more. I’m still hungry but I’m tired from working.

I haven’t been feeling up to anything lately. Everything’s been kind of boring. I’d rather stay inside then go outside. I don’t know why, I’m an outgoing person, but I’ve just felt blah lately. I’ve been depressed and having trouble sleeping and I have been spazzed out and stuff. I’m always tired even if I got my sleep, and even if I woke up early one morning, I go to sleep real late that night. It just doesn’t make any sense any more. You know what I mean?

I always have a headache and I always feel sick and I always want to stay inside. I’ve had more fun in school this year than I did this summer. That’s kind of sad. Arturo’s birthday is this Saturday and so is the church’s garage sell. Irene is coming down for the weekend that day and then I have a dentist appointment on the 3rd. After my appointment we leave with Irene to go with her to visit her and her family for the Independence Day weekend.

Well, there’s not much left to say and I am still rather tired…I still feel lonely at times and I still feel out of place at home…I just don’t know how to say it to anyone or what to do about it…

I Had An Appt...

I brought Jenny M. and Chris to church today. We went to Mickey D's and all ate ice cream, then I got attacked by Cris in one of the kiddie tunnels up in the play area.

I saw my shrink today. (Sorry for the cliché) It was OK. I just talked about what was up and how I have been feeling. I'm OK, I guess, but I still have my moments...

I'm sorry I haven't been writing much in my last few entries, but life has been pretty bland. Not many new and exciting things have happened lately, and if it has....then it was short-lived. But anyways, I'm tired and I need to be going now....

Boredome in Early Morning

My goodness!! Chris came over today at 11 to help my mom. José has the nerve to help him wake me up. José has taken pictures (of me trying to sleep) and he threw candy and pillows at me. Chris decided it would be fun to land on me to wake me up.

When my whole family was gone, Chris and I were left alone in my living room. I have this thing that if I play with his ear, it turns him on. It drives him nuts. So he pretty much ended up fingering me with TWO of his fingers. (his fingers are huge) And those two put together are the same diamter as his...I think I should be left alone more often. :) I need practice for the future!

But then I got dirty helping my mom and Chris with the yard work. Man, did I stink! Well, I'm exhuasted, so I'm going to bed now...

Telling Chris

I told Chris today that I kissed Cris. And you know what he did? Absolutely nothing! :) This is why I love my boyfriend so much! He was like, "well, if it didn't mean anything, then it's OK...' And it was OK...b/c the kiss didn't mean a damn thing!

But anyway, I better go now...

Anniversary

Today’s my 4 month anniversary w/ Chris!

Father's Day 2k1

Happy Father’s Day! I don’t feel so good today. I think I ate too much cake at church today. Well, Jenny M. is having a BBQ next door, but I’m gonna take a nap…

Chris' Welcome Back Party

Chris came home today from ROTC camp. We had a little get together today at Gary's. There was a BBQ and we teens wrestled in the Morales' back-yard pool. Well, I'm tired and chlorinated...so bye!

Chris Comes Home...

Today Chris comes home from camp. I so still feel bad about what had happened Wednesday after church. I have no idea if I should tell him or not.

Mom's going to pick me up today and we're going to have a "Welcome Back" party for him. I'm gonna help cook! :/ :) heehee

But anyway, if I want to be awake for the party, I better get to bed!

Cheated!

OMG!! I feel so bad! I’ve done the #1 thing today that Chris hoped I would never do! I so betrayed him!

I cheated on Chris with Cris. It just happened. We were horse playing and somehow we ended up kissing. But we made out 3 different times! I don’t know what to do! I feel so bad! :( Should I tell Chris when he comes back??

Chris Goes To Camp

I got bit by fleas yesterday! Seriously bitten. They hurt, I itch, and I'm swollen like a mug. I'm allergic to them, which sux. Now I'm going to church in a few.

Chris left today to ROTC camp. He'll be gone for a whole week, and I'll be extremely bored. :( Well, I have to go get ready for church.

Maldonado's B-day Party

My goodness, I had to go to some old man's birthday party today and Carmine was being a sure pain in the ass. Since before we left this morning at 10, she was bitching and complaining, crying and whining, for no reason at all.

At around lunchtime she practically pissed everyone off. Carmine doesn't know English, but of course that's what all the teenagers speak. Well, we were making jokes and the woman starts yelling at us saying that we're making fun of her. As calmly as I could, I told her that we weren't and that not one part of our conversation was she mentioned. But she wouldn't listen. So I let her be. And she went on bitching and complaining that even my mom, who tolerates her pretty well, got fed up.

But anyways, I just got home. I'm tired and sore, but I had fun with Jenny A., Nathalia, and Cristofer. But I have to go to sleep now.

A Quick Catch Up

Well, what can I say? Let's see. Friday I skipped school because I missed the bus. I did that on purpose, though. See, I knew that the car had already been shipped to San Antonio and I really didn't feel like going to school. So what I did, I turned off my alarm and overslept. Mamita was going to see if she could call someone to drop me off at school but there was no one who could possibly pick me up. So what I did was just sleep some more. Anthony A. and Sasha ended up coming over after school to see what was up. Tomorrow I have to apologize to Mrs. Harrison that I wasn't there Friday. You see, Friday was the premier of our "Say What Karaoke" and I was supposed to be the Emcee, but didn't go to school. Anyway, on Saturday, Corina took us to Waikiki beach and I chilled over at the Hale Koa pool. It was open for Hale Koa visitors and military. But anyway, I was over there at a birthday party, too. Today, Mother's Day, Nestor took Mamita out to eat at Bravo's and afterwards we went to the BX and bought Mamita some shoes. We then left to go to Oscar's house after that. I chilled with the kids because Oscar and his wife were gone and Nestor and Mamita had gone out to buy Michael and Danielle some new pairs of shoes. Well, that's pretty much it. Nothing much new. I have to go to school tomorrow so that's a bummer. I'll write something else later. Oh, and I read this really cool book titled Where The Heart Is. It's going to come out as a motion picture later on in June. The book, though, was written in 1995, and let me say one thing: That's one hell of a book! Well, I better be going or Mamita will kill me if I miss the bus again.

I'm Bad!

Guess what! I'm bad! I took some smokes today from Heather. OK, I know I shouldn't have, but it's been a while since I've done it. I mean the last time I did was like in fourth grade when I stole 2 of Mamita's cigarettes. And that was 2 and a half YEARS ago! I was in a very stressed out moment. But oh, well. Man, I can't wait for next time, though. I really hope Heather and me can just chill with some beer and smokes. But that's pretty much the deal. I went to the flea market today. I bought the bracelet that Desma owed me and two more. I also got this one silver ring that says Kuuipo, which means Sweetheart in Hawaiian. I'll show it to Humberto some time. But then Mamita got me another ring, which is in gold and says Vombi, and a silver bracelet that says Yvonne. I will get those two the week after Mother's Day. But, I must get going. I know this is really short but there ain't much to talk about. I did do part of my math homework, but not all. I couldn't find a damn calculator! Well, I better bounce, I have acid indigestion so I like have heart burn now...I still can't believe Mamita didn't notice I was smoking! Well, Angela did drench me in a peaches body spray. Heather ended up getting some in her Mug. Well, let's just put it this way...I had a LOT of fun today!

Life in General...

I know I haven't done an entry for a long time, but oh, well. I'm PROBABLY going to be doing these every Saturday to save time. Anyway, I broke up with CJ like Wednesday. Nothing was really going on and he wasn't really used to having a girlfriend so we both decided to just break it off. Well, the banquet is coming up soon and I don't know with whom I'm going to dance with, probably just with Brandie. That's what we usually do. We slow dance together like two idiotic dorks. If not, I'll ask CJ if he wants to dance. I mean, we still ARE friends, you know. Well, this will probably be my shortest entry because nothing new has happened. Angela's not going to be here for the banquet, and neither is Lizzie. Sarah's mom said she couldn't go. So it's only going to be Leah, Brandie, Sherena and me chilling at the table. It's going to be so lonesome without the rest of the crew. Well, you know us crack-heads will always be the life of the party. A lot of others are going to be there. Unfortunately Anthony H., ex-boyfriend #1 from this school year, is going to be there. I'll probably be yelling at him throughout the whole dance. (Big whoop.) Well, I have to wake up early tomorrow morning because my mother insists on going to the flea market. I insist on going to the PX or the library, by MYSELF. I don't mind going with my mother it's just that we live in different worlds... Well, I must be going now and you know how Mamita is if I don't get up in the morning. She always got to be bitching about something. And I really don't want to go. But any, I can always replace that one bracelet Desma decided to borrow and keep. At least she paid the one-dollar to buy a new one. I should have said it was three. But who cares, just as long as I get my bracelet. Which reminds me, Amanda still owes me my blue one, and Nestor S. owes me a dollar for losing my clear one. I'll get them soon at church someday. I just hope it's sooner than later.

Another Night

Well, everyone won't leave me alone about the whole "Justin" thing. Oh, well! Anyway, today, Mike B., Chris M, CJ, and I helped out Mr. Lee with the car project that he's been working on with the elementary school. So since we took up all our free time, except for brunch because we had to eat, Mr. Lee's buying us Lunch tomorrow. Isn't that cool? I mean, that teacher's the BOMB! Not a lot of teachers are that cool. He understands kids more than most adults, so that's pretty neat.

Well, CJ and I are still taking it extremely slow. I mean, I don't want to complain so I'll just let him go at his own pace...know what I mean? But, I just wish he could go a little bit faster. I'm saying he's going way too slow! There's another upcoming talent show. I'm going to be in it, like usual. I also can't wait for the banquet. That's going to be so cool! I'm probably gonna end up dancing in one of the cages. (Yeah, right!) I'm not THAT wild and crazy. I AM wild and crazy, though. Well, I can't sleep and I'm extremely bored. I guess I SHOULD be headed to bed but I took a nap by accident so I can't sleep. I didn't mean to fall asleep. I was just gonna lay down and listen to some of my jams, but two songs later, I realized I had fallen asleep. So I just took off my headphones and fell back asleep. Well, I should go to sleep NOW.

No Real Title

Well, today was a very hot and boring day. I had to mow the lawn. (Yippee.) But I just wrote an e-mail to Humberto telling him that I'm not a big hoe. OK, at times I can be a hoochie, or a hoe, but I'm not the next future prostitute of America! So I just wrote him and sent him a pic. He wanted a recent picture so I gave him one. Which reminds me. He still hasn't sent me one of his! I'm going to kill that little twerp. But anyway, Danny and I talked on AOL for about an hour and then she went to sleep. I stayed on for a few minutes. I was on AOL for almost 2 hours! I had spent 100 minutes online. Luckily its unlimited access. So I can always get online for as long as I want with no extra pay. It stays 19.95 every month, and you can stay online for 3 days without paying a penny more! But there isn't much to talk about. I mean, today was a bore. Tomorrow I have school, so I get to see the whole crew. But anyway, I better get going to sleep. I have to get my stuff ready for school...I forgot to do the rest of my Math (again)!

Talk About a Boring Day

I am so extremely bored today. I was online doing stuff, but I was barely on because there really wasn't anything to do. For another thing, I barely did anything in school today, too. Homeroom was a bore. First period we just sang, like always, 2nd period we did our weights again, 3rd we watched a Benedict Arnold movie, 4th period we had a quiz on our design and had a free period. That one was good. Fifth period we did our Journals, read, and worked on our mini-packets, and 6th period we graded our homework, which I didn't do, and got our tests back. I got a 90% on my test. I should be so proud. (I got an A on my test!)

Well, Brandie and Lizzie started bothering Justin. You know how Angie had told him that I liked him, well, they found out, by me, and started mocking him. Justin was passing by with his crew, Thomas, Dumbo, Paul...and Brandie started saying, 'You know you like her!' And Lizzie was like, 'Yeah, you know you do!' He just ignored them, but he's ears got so RED!! His friends were like, 'What are they talking about?' He was like, 'Oh, nothing, it's nothing...' Brandie and Lizzie told me this and I just started laughing. But what if it is true? What if he does like me also? What if he does, but he just doesn't want to admit it? Awe, and anyway, if he did, it's too late to have a chance with him. One, because I'm moving in June, and Two, because I now go out with CJ. But oh, well. I'm still bored, though.

I have no school tomorrow, so that's a plus. My minus is that I'm still bored. I have to stay active so I won't like totally fall asleep from boredom. Britney Spears is over here in Oahu. She had her concert earlier this evening. Brandie got to go. Nestor was going to take me, also, but he knew the place was going to be way too jammed packed. So we didn't get to go. I'll just ask Brandie how the concert was, tomorrow. By the way, the concert was FREE--since FOX or something was sponsoring it! Well, not much time, and I really am bored. I'm probably going to get online again.

Easter y2k

Well, Happy Easter! I didn't go to church today. Mamita woke up EXTREMELY late this morning. Well, actually this afternoon. I was the only one up on time. I, on a weekend, was actually up before everyone else. Now that's something you don't see every day. Unfortunately, since I didn't go to church, I couldn't do nursery. So that really sucked. But the whole day was pretty OK. Boring, but OK. I talked to John and Katie today on AOL, and e-mailed Ryan, whom I haven't heard from in a while. I was e-mailing Anna, but AOL kicked me off. Somehow the connection was lost. Somebody must have tried to call. Nothing new has happened, though. I got to watch Mary Poppins, Gremlins, and a few cartoons. I played the N64 for a while and listened to some music, but other than that, the day was pretty normal. Boring as usual. I can't wait for tomorrow, though. Monday we do have school, but we have Tuesday off. That's rather retarded, though. I mean, having a day off in the middle of the week better than near the ends. Like Monday or Friday would have been nice. I have everything ready for school; I just have one problem... I didn't do my Math homework...like usual. I like Math and all, but working out of the same book I did last year is a little boring, you know? But anyway, I really want to see CJ--of course I want to see my boyfriend. I'm still a little bit sad that Andrew and I broke up, but it was for the best. I mean, now he has Erica and I have CJ, so it really wouldn't matter. Angela ended up telling Justin I liked him. Even though she told him Friday, I'm still in the whirl of it all. I forgot that Angela does any dare you dare her to do. Just as long as that dare is legal or she won't get in trouble by doing it. Justin was red in the face and didn't come out of his house for the rest of the day, probably because I was over. But oh, well. Life goes on, as I always say. Well, I better get to sleep if I want to get up early enough in the morning to catch the bus on time and not skip breakfast!

Normal Day

Well, today's been a normal day. It's been a while since I last wrote, so bear with me. Well, we still don't know where we are headed. I mean, I know Mamita said that we are going to move to Texas, but we're still not sure. I mean, since Daddy's death, we really don't know what's going on. Well, me anyway. We still don't know why Daddy did it. I mean, the last person he talked to was Pablo, and nobody knows what they talked about except Daddy and Pablo himself. I, for one, really want to know. I know the rest of us want to know, too. I mean, I know it wasn't the whole case. He had a lot of other problems going to him, and it wasn't just the sexual abuse case. Even though, me opening my big mouth made it worse. I should have never said anything, but I had carried it for two years, but still. I should have kept quiet. Daddy had enough problems as it was...but now it's too late. He took the stupid decision of committing suicide. Well, I just hope he's at peace, because I know I sure ain't watching Mamita trying to figure out what to do next. And I don't even know what to do! Well, tomorrow is Easter Sunday, so I better be getting off to bed. I have nursery duty. I just hope things do get better, eventually.