Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year

1. Have a safe and rockin' 2009 eve. Don't drink and drive, or I'll hunt you down.
2. ames_baby ADD IT (if you haven't already)! Do it cuz I said it.

<3

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Happy Holidays

For those who celebrated Yule, hope you had a blessed day. For those who celebrate Hanukkah, hope you are enjoying it. And a Merry Christmas and Kwanzaa to everyone else. :D

I was going to post a video of the girls, but the interwebs is pissing me off, so I just leave you with *hugs*

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Random

First off, since it is the New Year for me, I want to start doing things a bit differently.

To begin, I want to wish every November baby a happy birthday.
Tiffiny on the 14th
Perseus and Vane on the 17th
and Diana and Justin on the 23rd
(if I have missed anyone, let me know and I will edit this list)

Halloween went well. Lily dressed up as a scarecrow, while Iris was a little duck. It was a pleasant evening, and I worked that day. I made my costume. It took me three days to make a cute little witch hat, so I was determined to wear my costume to work, which I did, and every customer that came in that day was amused by my awesomeness. :)

For Samhain, I just lit a candle and said a prayer for all the loved ones long passed. I didn't do much, as I was exhausted from being on my feet all day at work, and then went trick-or-treating with the family, and then came home to give out candy... My house is still covered in decorations; I have to take them down and decorate for Thanksgiving now. I'll do that later in the week.

Work is good. I still enjoy it.

That is all.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Happy Birthday Iris

My baby is a year old today.

Where the hell has the time gone?

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Work

Work has been going well. I like working there and my coworkers are great. The owners are also very nice and are helping me out a lot when I'm lost and confused and have no idea what I'm doing. Which is getting rare. I've even been helping train our newest teammember, Mike. He's the youngest at 16. Then there's Alex, who I believe is 17, then me.

Anyway, I'm learning a lot, like I said. Jean has been there for 30 years and is goofy and I love working with her. Ted has been here 6 mths and is a total dork, really makes Saturday fly by. And the owners are Tom and Jan.

... ... ...

There was going to be more to this post but I totally forgot what I was going to write about.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Therapy and an Update

So I've been going to therapy for the past few weeks, once a week, and the good news is that it's helping with my depression. The even better news is that the county has a sliding scale for patients with a certain income and I have absolutely no copayment for my weekly sessions. I go for free. My insurance pays the rest. Awesome.

A couple of days ago I applied at Ace Hardware since they have a large Help Wanted sign on their door. We are a bit tight financially (we're not suffering, but any surprises and we're fucked) so I went and started applying everywhere nearby again. Anyway, I had an interview yesterday. My orientation is tomorrow and I start work on Thursday. I am super excited. :D Last time I applied everywhere not a single company called. This time, not only did I get an interview but I got the job. I've been praying regularly and this time the Divine thought it was a proper time to get a job. Last time, Iris was still only a couple of months old, so even I knew it wasn't a good time. Now, she's almost weaned off the breast and almost a year old (where the fuck has the time gone?!) so it's a good opportunity.

I won't know my schedule until tomorrow. All I know is that I work Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, which are J's days off, so they work. I'll barely see my husband, but we can at least start paying off those medical bills that have accumulated over the last couple of years thanks to my sickly ass. I know we owe like 3k for my hospital stay when I had my gallbladder removed alone. And I'll be able to help out with other bills. Granted, I'm only making minimum wage, but it's better than nothing at all.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Vision Quest

I'm going through a spiritual journey right now. So I'm going to be taking a bit of a vacation from blogging for about a month or so. If you want to know how I'm doing, or you want me to know how you're doing, or you're bored as shit and just want to say hi ;) feel free to e-mail me at yvonne.ames@gmail.com. I check it daily. Or feel free to call me on my cell. Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well.

Personally, I'm pretty good right now. Been keeping distracted by reading or cleaning something. Emotionally, I've just kept it aside, and when it gets too much, I just write it down. I'll be seeing my doctor on Wednesday to talk it out. I'm tired of meds, so I'm going to see what alternatives I have for my depression and what I can do about it. I know I need to change my way of thinking, which I am working on. I've checked out a book about overcoming depression as well as the book The Secret, which I have only heard good reviews about. (Though I'm a little side-tracked, because I've been busy reading fiction by Ann Hoffman)

Again, feel free to get a hold of me if you want to. <3

Sunday, September 14, 2008

My depression has been getting worse the past couple of days. It hit a terrible low on Thursday and last night I broke down in tears while praying. I thought I had gotten most of it out of my system, but apparently I was wrong. I began crying in my sleep, J woke me up to see if I was ok, and I just couldn't stop sobbing. So he scooted closer and just held me until I passed out. I know at one point he kissed my cheek when I slept, but I could have dreamt it, though I doubt it. Either way, he made me feel better.

I'm still trying to get over it. I don't know why I'm depressed. I don't know why I keep revisiting my past in my dreams. I keep having nightmares, and the only way I can sleep through them is if I take my allergy/cold medicine before bed. If not, I wake up every hour or just don't slepe at all. It's like a shitty remake scene of a Nightmare on Elm street movie. Don't sleep or Freddy wiill get you.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I keep dreaming of suicide or having urges of just leaving everyone, neglecting my kids, etc, when I'm awake. I haven't spoken to J about it mostly because I'm embarrased about the way I feel. Also because he usually teases me when I am sick, calls me a hypochondriac, or tries to make a joke about it. I just don't feel like being made fun of for this when its been emotionally fucking with me for the past few days.

I was slightly euphoric on Monday, and by Thursday I was damn near suicidal. I just don't know where my emotions just plummeted and I don't know how to handle it or who to talk to about it. The only reason why I'm writing it in here is because writing seems to be the best therapy I have. It's just one of those things I can always count on to make me feel a little less like a mental case.

I don't know if I can explain it. I want to be okay. I want to be functional. I want to change into a better person. But even when I try my hardest, it goes unnoticed. I want to do something, and it's like my brain shuts down and says "No, fuck you." I just don't understand why for me waking up in the morning has to be an obstacle. And I don't want it to be. I don't like feeling worthless and useless. I just don't, but for some reason I can't seem to get this feeling out.

Ugh, I annoy myself.
I've felt really low the past couple of weeks.
I've had thoughts of suicide.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.
I keep feeling like I should just grab my things and go; leave everyone behind and go nowhere in particular.

Monday, September 08, 2008

I hate being sick.
And I hate my babies being sick even more.
I love the cuddle time I get when they wake up and that's all they want to do, but we're all runny-nosed and moody. Cranky as all get out.

We've been going to the library every day (or almost every day) for "school". I like it better than home because of the cute little chairs and tables and the cats and dog won't get in the way. Also, Iris doesn't eat the crayons because she's distracted by other things around her. At home she likes to tip everything over and then proceed to lick every crayon thoroughly. Lily gets to meet new people and show-off to DeAnn (children's librarian).

Twenty-one worksheets for Lily this week...I don't know how I'm going to space them out yet. We're going to Head Start tomorrow (today?) to meet with the coordinators and check out the program. It's a half-hour walk; we'll pick flowers and leaves on the way like we always do. I'm really hoping they will take her early. I'm at a loss on what to do for her when I can't seem to find a preschool curriculum (read free curriculum) that is set for 2 to 3 year olds. Everything I find is set for 4-5. She has the shapes, letters, numbers, and colors down, and we're now working on writing and drawing them all. I think everything is going well (she's writing her own name now) but it's nice to be able to learn something from the professionals.

I'm thinking of going back to school again. This time for journalism. I'm not sure though. J has never really seen any of my research or my essays. Most of them are based on research I did for my circle or Pagan classes, so I know he wouldn't really be interested. But since he hasn't seen what I can do or what I've done, he doesn't know whether or not I have a definite interest in it. I love to write, I love to do research, and I love to write about research. I've done a couple of essays for my circle's newsletter, but like I said, those all have something to do on Paganism. I'd love to be a professional writer some day, but I'm a terrible author; my imagination ain't what it used to be. I'd rather write about facts and opinions.

My strongest subjects in school, the subjects that I was placed in Advanced Placement learning for and the Talented and Gifted program (talkative and goofy), were English and Social Studies. Journalism would be a great way to combine my strongest subjects. I'll have to do a little research on schools offering and the pay and such, but I think this might be it. I would really like to continue my education and have something my girls can be proud of. Seriously, I would not like them to think of me as someone who was mediocre at best in her career--if I ever do get one.

I need sleep. I wish I wasn't so sick. Damn you, J, for giving me this cold/flu/thing/disease.
I hate being sick.
And I hate my babies being sick even more.
I love the cuddle time I get when they wake up and that's all they want to do, but we're all runny-nosed and moody. Cranky as all get out.

We've been going to the library every day (or almost every day) for "school". I like it better than home because of the cute little chairs and tables and the cats and dog won't get in the way. Also, Iris doesn't eat the crayons because she's distracted by other things around her. At home she likes to tip everything over and then proceed to lick every crayon thoroughly. Lily gets to meet new people and show-off to DeAnn (children's librarian).

Twenty-one worksheets for Lily this week...I don't know how I'm going to space them out yet. We're going to Head Start tomorrow (today?) to meet with the coordinators and check out the program. It's a half-hour walk; we'll pick flowers and leaves on the way like we always do. I'm really hoping they will take her early. I'm at a loss on what to do for her when I can't seem to find a preschool curriculum (read free curriculum) that is set for 2 to 3 year olds. Everything I find is set for 4-5. She has the shapes, letters, numbers, and colors down, and we're now working on writing and drawing them all. I think everything is going well (she's writing her own name now) but it's nice to be able to learn something from the professionals.

I'm thinking of going back to school again. This time for journalism. I'm not sure though. J has never really seen any of my research or my essays. Most of them are based on research I did for my circle or Pagan classes, so I know he wouldn't really be interested. But since he hasn't seen what I can do or what I've done, he doesn't know whether or not I have a definite interest in it. I love to write, I love to do research, and I love to write about research. I've done a couple of essays for my circle's newsletter, but like I said, those all have something to do on Paganism. I'd love to be a professional writer some day, but I'm a terrible author; my imagination ain't what it used to be. I'd rather write about facts and opinions.

My strongest subjects in school, the subjects that I was placed in Advanced Placement learning for and the Talented and Gifted program (talkative and goofy), were English and Social Studies. Journalism would be a great way to combine my strongest subjects. I'll have to do a little research on schools offering and the pay and such, but I think this might be it. I would really like to continue my education and have something my girls can be proud of. Seriously, I would not like them to think of me as someone who was mediocre at best in her career--if I ever do get one.

I need sleep. I wish I wasn't so sick. Damn you, J, for giving me this cold/flu/thing/disease.
So, last week I'm cleaning dishes and such and decide to reorganize/switch the storage of pots and pans. (They were on the opposite side by the pantry while the juice was under the stovetop) J comes in the kitchen and helps me out, there had been a few peices of wood, metal contraptions from the previous owner of this house and bits and peices of things I don't even know what they were. In this group was some left-over tile. J picks it up and heads to the basement wondering where this tile came from. He didn't believe the tile he was holding was used anywhere in the house. I grab his attention and he looks up to find me pointing in the direction of the sink/stove/counters. The left-over tile he was holding was the tile used on that kitchen wall. His response: "Oh my god! There's tile there?!" (or something along those lines, as I do not remember the exact wording--I just know I damn near pissed myself I was trying not to laugh too hard)

We have lived in this house for over a year. We moved in June 1, 2007 and last week was when J noticed there was tile on the back wall of the kitchen. He cooks, and he used to be the one who washed the dishes, so how he went a YEAR without noticing the tile is beyond me.

I love my husband. He amuses the shit out of me.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

I just realized that ten years have passed. Ten years have passed since I last felt disgusting and filthy in my own bed. Ten years have passed since I hated my body so much I wanted to tear off my skin. Ten years have passed since my step father last touched me. Ten years have passed.

I'm emotionally fucked for all eternity. This I know. But I didn't do this to myself, and it didn't happen because being emo was a fad in high school. I wasn't depressed and messed up for shits and giggles, I didn't do it for attention, and it wasn't because it was “hip” or “cool.” From the age of nine up until I was twelve-years-old, my stepfather came into my room every night to touch, to rape, and to humiliate me. And every day I would go by as if nothing had happen. Every day I would hate myself more and more for saying nothing. Every night I would fight with sleep and wake up in the middle of the night to have it happen again. And every day I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to stop it. I didn't know I could.

My innocence was stolen from me when I was 9. My voice and my self-esteem and self-respect went with it. Little by little I built myself back up and slowly but surely I worked to be sane again. He came fewer and fewer times after I had begun menstruating. He came even less when I had begun to lose massive amounts of weight. And then he finally stopped. A year passed and no more late-night visits. But I would still scream in the middle of the night, I would still wake up sweating and crying, clinging on to my clothes, praying. Mentally I was caged. He had torn me apart from the outside in and out again.

At that point I had lost so much weight that my friends became concerned. I was gaunt, and frail, and terribly sick. I was forced to go to my counselor's office and there she coaxed out what I had been wanting to say for years. “Does your father touch you?” “Yes.” I was such a mess. At that time a hurricane had blown through Puerto Rico and we had only heard from half of our family. The other half, we didnt know if they were ok. (In the end, the entire family was fine.) But I was worried out of my mind. I was 13, but my nerves were shot. Add that to sleepless nights and a constant fear and well, I was slowly killing myself. I had tried to commit suicide the year before, but I just couldn't come to terms with that. This seemed easier.

I am now twenty-two. I have not seen my stepfather since I was 13 only because he committed suicide a week after I confessed to my counselor. C.I.D. had removed him from our house and he had been staying with some friends. He drove off for work that morning only to be found in his car dying from self-inflicted poisoning. He had drunk a bottle of some cleaner that I don't remember.

My mother found his diary about a year or two after we had moved back to Texas. He had written saying that he felt like he had done nothing wrong, that all he ever did was teach me. And I remembered that every night he would tell me that all he was doing was teaching me. That I needed to learn. I don't know what he thought he was teaching a 9, 10, 11 year-old, but he can't teach anyone else anymore.

One thing I know for certain is that I am strong. I much stronger than he is and I will continue to be strong. I was not the coward. I was not the one who committed suicide. I faced my fear and beat it, and even though there are nights where I still cry out for help, I am ok.

It has been ten years since my childhood disappeared. It has been ten years since I knew I could survive.

I just feel like typing right now.

Ever have the feeling of writing or typing up something but never know what to write about? i have that problem often. It's like never-ending writer's block. I keep an online journal, I keep a paper journal, and I doodle a ton, but I just can't seem to keep thoughts in one place or put creatove thought on paper. My fingers tingle and itch to type keys or grab a pencil or pen and once my hand hits keyboard or paper...nothing. My mind turns up a total blank.



Right now I'm just typing what comes to mind...a bit like a stream of conciousness. I haven't done poetry like that in a while. I prefer slam poetry though. It's a lot more fun. I haven't done that in a while, either. I haven't really written much in the past coupld of years. Just been busy with other things. Creatively speaking, I've been in a sort of funk.



I want to get a bit of extra cash so I can help out financially. I want to turn my life around and do my part financially. No one wants to hire me here, but that is only because I have very little work experience. J doesn't want me working because he thinks the girls are still too young for me to leave them with a sitter on a daily basis. Even then, we can't afford a sitter or child care. We'd actually be worse off if I did find a job and put them in child care. It's so fucking expensive. I've applied at several places in town, but still nothing. I'm willing to not spend any time with my husband so that I can work; trade off on days where he works Sunday through Wednesday and I could work Thursday through Sunday, or something along those lines. But he still thinks it's a bad idea. He really doesn't want me working, but I feel like I should be bringing in something. Anything. I've been wracking my brain for things I could possibly do out of the home for a little extra money, but like I've said previously, I am jack of all trades master of none—mediocre with everything at best. The only passion I have is my faith, so unless I can get paid for being spiritual, I got nothing. ;)



I feel so out of it lately. Even when I'm working with Lily, I space out. Right now I'm sure it's just me being sick, but I don't really know. My health is so fucked up right now, but I am working to get it back on track.



Sometimes I wish I could just sleep forever

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

This is an audio post.
Click the following link to hear the message:
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Tuesday, September 02, 2008

This post is an audio post.
Click the following link to hear the message:

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Friday, August 29, 2008

I need to get a bit off my chest. I haven't really put my feelings out there, and I need to release or I may just implode, and well, that's never a good thing.

Don't take pride in being different, that's just silly. Take pride in being true to yourself and not pretending to be someone you're not.

I have a love for all things different, only because they are originals. I don't mind everyday things, but why be a carbon copy of something when you can be unique and refreshing? I'm not saying be wild and outrageous in a way that's just downright annoying and destructive, but be real and honest and know who you are and what you believe in.

I embrace my individuality and don't let others bring me down. It hurts when they try, a lot. They can ruffle my feathers so bad that I make myself ill for a day. The next day, however, I gather myself up and move forward. I know I am different and sometimes bizarre, but I am not wild and rebellious. I am not destructive. I am kind, and loving, and I try my best to be a decent human being. I may not be perfect, and I may not be what a lot of people like, but I am what I like. The only people I aim to please are my children and my husband and if they are happy with me, then I am happy. I don't give a flying fig to what anyone else thinks. I do what I have to do, what I need to do, and what I want to do; what I think is best for my family and myself. And if anyone has a problem with that, they will just have to deal. Say all the mean and hurtful things you want; karma will surely come around and smack you hard. I love myself for who and what I am.

Now am I perfect? Nowhere near it. Am I special in a way where I could win awards or change the world? Probably not. But do I try and improve myself as much as I can? Absolutely. There is always room for improvement no matter who you are.

The only reason why I'm typing this is because not too long ago someone bumped my bumpers real hard and it made me so upset that for a moment I doubted myself as a person. The only reason it didn't get to me too strongly is because my husband reminded me why he loves me and what he loves about me. That made me feel fantastic. Now I handled myself as gracefully as I could with this person, but I was still very frustrated and hurt. This person had said a lot of mean and hateful things and it was difficult for me to play nice. I did, however, and just slowly began to let it go. I knew that this person would eventually get what was coming to them one way or another.

This happened a lot sooner than I thought and even though a part of me inside is jumping with glee, I feel terrible for them. I know it's karma, that universal energy that gives you in return what you had sent out. I know that it should come as no surprise, but I still feel terrible that it has happened. I just hope and pray that this person will heal and better than judge others for how they do things look at themself first before things go wrong again.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I feel like utter shit today.
I could not sleep at all last night. I didn't finally fall asleep until 4 or 5 this morning and even after I had finally fallen asleep, Iris threw a hissy fit because she wanted to sleep in bed with me and not in her crib for a half hour sometime after 6. J had to wake our asses up at 15 passed 9. I haven't slept in that late in the last for a couple of weeks now.

I've been working with Lily on her schooling. I have an old preschool workbook that I got at a garage sale shortly after she was born and have been photocopying the pages for her to write on. So far, she's been writing the numbers 1 through 4. And she can spell and write her first name. I even bought her a little pad of paper with the dotted lines specifically meant for learning to write. She's doing really well and I'm very proud of her. I tell her every day what a good and smart girl she is.

I somehow lost 10 to 15 pounds without noticing. In the beginning of spring I was a size 12 in dresses. When I was terribly sick this summer, I went down to an 8. I am currently a 6 and have no idea how I got there. I'm somewhere between 115 and 120, which feels weird to me. I haven't been less than 120 without being horribly ill since before I got married. Oh well, at least I'm eating well and keeping active.

I think I'm catching a cold.
Did I mention I feel like utter shit?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Always be true to yourself and take pride in what you are and what you will be.
Never regret anything, or the guilt will consume you.
Always be willing to forgive if not forget.
If it works for you, don't change it just because it's not the norm.
Rock out with you cock out every day of the week.

I love my husband very much. He is awesome; I should listen to him more.


Have you told yourself "I love me" today?

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Ugh....

I've started my first menstrual cycle today since concieving and having the baby. The first day of my last cycle was 587 days ago. I am not happy. I'm crampy, sore, tired, bloated, cranky... however, I'm not surprised. I've been breastfeeding Iris less and less since she started eating solids two months ago. Still, I'm not very happy about the fact that my body is back to clearing out the uterus. *sigh* I hate periods.

I spent most of today cleaning up little areas of the house. My house is a total mess and if my mother wants to come up and visit, I need to clean it and soon. She returns from Honduras on Tuesday. So I cleaned up the "dining" room (It's supposed to be the dining room, but right now it has a blue papazan and a bunch of boxes) and the hallway to the living room and the front of the living room up to the computer. The entire room wasn't cleaned only because both of my cats kept attacking the broom or laying in the piles of random things for attention, or my children kept going through the mess. Thankfully I got most of it done. So tonight, after the girls are in bed, I'll be cleaning the rest of the living room and then tackling the parlor.

I don't really have much to update on. I've been cleaning little by little so that I don't drive myself nuts, but at the same time not have my house as a pig stye like it normally is. I've been reorganizing the crafting room and have moved my altar and all of my spiritual items in there as well. I didn't have a problem with it being in my husband's closet up in our bedroom, but Lily loved to go in there just to mess with my things. Too many sharp and breakable/valuable objects for her to be messing with, so it had to be moved into an area that she didnt have easy access to.

My allergies are wreaking havoc to my body. Mainly it's because I'm allergic to two of the three pets I have (cats). I love Jules and Gibbs but if I don't sanitize my hands immediately after handling them, terrible things happen to my face. ;) Also, messing with this dusty, nasty house, isn't all that great for my sinuses either.

Ever since putting Ubuntu on my iBook, I have been using this thing constantly. I love working with it. I don't do much online, but I love playing the games and with Gimp (which is a lot like Photoshop). Much fun is being had with this OS.

Did I mention that I am not happy with my body?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I have been asking myself lately 'what is my calling out in the world?' Somewhere along the lines of when my mother asks "What does God want of me?" And I can't seem to answer this question at all.

Since as far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a teacher. College-graduate and certified. I had gotten a music scholarship and was going to be a music teacher but turned away from that because I was unhappy with my life and easily unsatisfied. I grew bored with music education. Don't get me wrong, I love it very much, I've been a vocalist since I was two, but it just wasn't something I wanted to do every day for the rest of my life. So I quit, got married, and had my daughters instead.

I've tried going back to school with no success. I tried out web development since I already know html coding, a bit of java and love to play and create graphics. Didn't work out; I again was bored out of my mind. So a day or two ago I think that maybe just an elementary teacher could do. Then my husband reminded me that I would be stuck with that job every day for the rest of my career and that was it. You can't get a promotion or anything, you stay the same thing. It's crap pay, and most children and their parents don't respect you, etc. So much for that idea. My husband asked me "why do you keep wanting to find something to get away from your children?" And it's not like that at all. (Okay, maybe a little, but not all of it)

I love my babies. They are my world. But I sometimes feel like something is missing. I feel out of balance. My marriage is great. My husband, though an atheist, respects me emotionally, physically, sexually, and every other way imaginable. My children are wonderful. Though they are spoiled and bratty, they are two of the most well-mannered, considerate, intelligent, and well-behaved children I know. They just know they have Mommy wrapped around their little fingers so they milk it for all its worth. ;) I have three great pets. Missy (dog) is a great companion, though a bit of a spaz sometimes. She's so loving and playful. Though I sometimes neglect her because I can't really play with her. We have no fence and she likes to run off when excited, and her barks and growls, though playful, scare Iris. Gibbs and Jules (cats) are crazy, but I love them and they love me. Thankfully, they are no longer spraying my house. I live in a lovely Victorian-era home. I have plenty of food and clothing. And a functioning semi-new car. Finances are tight sometimes, but we do well. We do a lot better than most of the people of my generation. (My husband is 25, I am 22) I am missing nothing and need nothing.

However, spiritually, I feel like I could and should be doing more. I know I don't have to. I take care of the pets, the kids (and very rarely [almost non-existant] the house). My husband works his butt off at work and then comes home, does laundry, and cooks the food. (I can't cook to save my life, I've tried) So I know we have our hands full but I feel like I need to be doing something extra. So I'm on a vision quest.

I've analyzed my skills---jack of all trades, master of none. I've been teaching Runes and Wicca 101, but it's all been online because the people who take/took them all live far away. I would love to hold something here at home like that, but I don't know anyone nearby. And everything else, I'm mediocre at best.

I have my minister's license (and am currently working for chaplain) but I have no real use for it. The only reason I am taking the classes is because it kills time when I don't have anything left to do at the end of the day and the girls are asleep. Along with the outreach mission, my mom wants me to be a part of her ministry and start a branch of her church here. I obviously turned it down. (I don't remember if I've said this or not but she has conveniently forgotten I am Pagan, and I really don't feel like reminding her.) Though, like I mentioned in my previous entry, the idea of a ministry is tempting.

Last Wednesday I went to the Pagan House Church in Omaha with my healing circle for our ritual. It's part of a house that was turned into a community (several people live there) as well as a sacred place. I couldn't help but wonder and imagine how awesome that would be to have a Pagan church nearby, or even a fellowship place where Pagans could come to commune together. I always think of it when I pass by the For Sale sign in front of the old Community of Christ Church building. But like I said in my previous entry, even if that was what I was meant to do, I have no idea how to go about it.

*sigh* I am tired and confused and everything in between. It's been a long school day (I homeschool my 2 year-old) and I need a nap.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I've fully potty-trained my oldest, which is nice. I didn't really do anything. One day she just fought with me because she didn't want to wear her diaper so I gave in and let her wear her panties. She went to the bathroom on her own and that was the end of that. It's nice only having to get diapers for one child instead of two. There's a bit of money saved.

I successfully quit smoking. It's been a month and a half so far and I'm very proud of myself. Now the only thing that needs working on is my food intake. I have the bad habit of eating when I'm bored and not drinking enough water. I've been diluting my juice with water (2 parts water, 1 part juice) to help me with that but I still eat way too much. I still breastfeed, which burns off calories, and I've been excersicing by walking and jogging for at least a half hour every day.

My parents want to come visit. I haven't seen my father since I was 15 and he's never met the girls so he is hoping that he can come up some weekend, some time soon, to have the girls meet their Abuelo. My mom leaves for Honduras on a ministry mission on Tuesday for a week and when she returns she hopes to come up here for a little R&R. I don't know what kind of rest and relaxation she's hoping for--I'm not sure she remembers just how crazy the girls are.

On the subject of my mom, I spoke to her last night to see how she has been doing (she's been sick) and when she leaves for her trip. She kept asking me about the churches here and if there is anything that the community does that helps those in need. I told her I don't really leave the house and don't really know. The only thing I know is that there is a food bank, and that's about it. (Which is true to some extent; I'm Pagan so I have no idea what the churches here do.) So she asked me what I thought of helping her expand the ministry and her mission to help others by being the head coordinator for it here in my county. I didn't really know what to say to her. I've always loved helping others and the community (I did it a lot with my mother when I lived with her) so I didn't want to say no. I think it's a great idea. BUT I don't have the heart to remind her that I am not Christian. I don't mind starting something like this or being affiliated with her church, but I know that she would definitely not like the fact that a bunch of Pagans are affiliated with her church.

I was talking about this with my healing circle yesterday after our healing ritual. I would love to start a Pagan ministry, but have no idea on how to go about it. It's difficult because of the fact that not all Pagans are on the same paths, similar, but not the same. The only way that there is a group of people that practice the same exact thing on the same level are those who are in a coven and practice with those members in a coven. An open circle is a group of mostly solitaries who follow their own paths and have their own personal teachings. I understand that yes, this is possible and could work; look at the Unitarians/Universalists, but I don't want to water down the religion or make it stale. I have a very strong passion for my religious beliefs. I have an urge to teach others. And I have an itch to start a ministry, but it's very frustrating when the only person who can give you ideas is your mom and she doesn't approve of your religious beliefs.

I don't really know what to do or say. Mother will be here sometime in September/October and I know she's going to want to begin a mission here. Like I said, I think this a great idea, but I don't want to be affiliated with a church that I don't follow it's religious teachings. I just don't have the heart to remind her that I am Wiccan. I don't hide it, but it's not obvious either.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Finally switched the OS on my OLD Mac laptop.

J bought me an iBook G3, Blueberry. The Mac OS X that was on it was the first one (10.0), from like 2004. That thing was aboust as compatible with anything as the likelyhood of Justin Timberlake hooking back up with Britney Spears. So, I needed an upgrade on OS and I was not going to spend an arm, a leg, and probably a kidney for a new Mac OS on this thing. Plus, the highest it could possibly take with its RAM would be Panther (10.3) and trying to find a reliable seller of that...yeah.

So I finally got it running on Ubuntu which is a Linux OS. It's actually pretty cool and I like the fact that I can use my laptop for more than just writing a simple text e-mail or a text document. I like the fact that my internet doesn't crap out whenever I try to log into LiveJournal, and I like the fact that I can update and install software without fearing that the damn thing is going to explode.

Anyway, yay. :)

Thursday, July 31, 2008

So new people have begun reading this blog and I feel it is time to let everyone new know some stuff about myself. (Or remind anybody who may have forgotten) :D

My name is Yvonne Ortiz Ames. I usually go by Vonnie (from my name), but am also known as Cyndi (from my obsession admiration) or Luna (from my religious path). Only a select few call me the last two. I am 22 yrs old, born 2 Jun 1986 and am Hispanic by birth. I was born in Puerto Rico but was raised in the states and am bilingual (English is my SECOND language, Spanish is my FIRST). I married my high school sweetheart 3 yrs ago (25 Jan 2005) and have two wonderful daughters named Lily [26 Dec 2005] & Iris [26 Oct 2007]. I'm naming my daughters after flowers. The general consensus is I'm a bit weird.

My mother is incredibly religious. She is a nondenominational Christian pastor and very devout. She has had a history of mental illness that I, unfortunately, have also. My step-father was a douche. He was controlling and abusive and molested me from the ages of 9 to 12 and I still hold a bit of anger toward that. He committed suicide when I was 13. I'm okay now, and know it was not my fault, but it has caused many problems with intimacy and trust. My biological father was non-existent in my childhood and only now am I getting to know him.

My husband and I are both total idiots. I love him to pieces and he's actually very bright, but he's done some serious harm in the past. I have done the same, if not more. We almost lost a lot of our lives because we didn't know how to communicate and instead would throw punches. After a lot of drama and dilemma, we came to realize that family is important no matter what and that our children deserve the best. He is currently one of the most awesome men I know (Jaz, your husband is another) and he spoils my daughters and I rotten. I've been spoiled so much that I don't even remember what parenting was like when I was separated. He's a nerd and is into comics, computers and video games. I am not and am into theology, Harry Potter, and blogging. We are the epitome of opposites attract and have absolutely nothing in common. We love each other a lot, but don't necessarily get along or like each other much. ;)

I'm a very devout Pagan, Wiccan to be exact. I practice regularly and am finding different ways to incorporate my beliefs in my daily life. My husband is atheist and doesn't really care what I believe as long as it makes me happy. We are not raising our children in any specific religious setting. We have several religious texts in the house. They will choose when they are old enough. For now I take them to my mother's church so they can go see their Abuela and let them tag along to any coven meets if they want to come with Mommy.

I'm jack of all trades and master of none, so I'm pretty useless. I can't cook to save my life. I hate to do chores and rarely keep up with the cleaning. And I quit college because I hate being tied down. I'm surprised I've stayed married. I'm someone who has to constantly keep moving. So the fact that I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere with no way to go anywhere because I have panic attacks behind the wheel and rely on my husband for transportation makes me a little mental.

I have a very musical background. I've been singing since the age of two, my grandmother was a vocalist, my uncle is a musician, and while growing up, as a family we would get together a couple of times a month and sing songs from my culture. I tried to learn piano but my attention span is next to nothing so I only know a little bit. And my guitar skills are worse. (Though I can play a really kick-ass tambourine) I can read sheet music, but that's about it. I'm a vocalist more than anything, and I love to sing to my girls. They love to be sung to and at night, when they are tired and upset, it is the only thing that will calm them. I had the opportunity to really make something out of myself through music when I was a bit younger, but I turned it down and her I am instead.

My health is not so great. As a teen I had an eating disorder (E.D. - non-specified), did drugs (marijuana & acid), drank, and smoked. After meeting J and feeling comfortable in my body, I was able to overcome my body image issues. After high school I got away from the bad crowd and no longer did drugs. After a bad experience with Everclear at a Frat party I lost my taste for alcohol. And after having to have my gallbladder removed because I was sick for half a year I decided to quit smoking. I had tried multiple times (I did not smoke during my pregnancies) but this time I really stuck with it. Because I did not take care of myself for so many years it has come to royally bite me in the ass. I have a bad hip, a bad back, grey hair, and get sick very easily. My joints hurt when it's too humid, sunlight gives me a headache and too much heat makes me dizzy. I'm currently working to get my health back.

I don't have much going on in my life right now. This is about as up to date as it will get. I'm hoping to audition for an Irish Punk band tomorrow and we'll see how that goes. And now I'm off. I need to do dishes.




If you would like to know more about me or have any questions or anything, feel free to ask; my life is an open book. I have no secrets and I regret nothing. :)

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

So I promised an entry about my surgery...
...and I totally forgot. So her it goes, from the beginning.

Around August of last year, I started getting sick. I thought it was just some morning sickness due to the pregnancy, so I ignored it. I couldn't eat anything too greasy, or anything that would make me bloat, so when J had made some sweet potatoes with greens and pork and beans, I spent most of that night vomiting and then some. Everything was coming out of both ends. But since I was pregnant at the time, I didn't think twice about it.

Around December/Christmas, it happened again. This time, I was very scared. I had thrown up so much that I had started vomiting blood. I felt terrible, and I felt even worse because I was in the bathroom so much I couldn't nurse Iris, so I had my brother-in-law give her a bottle. I called the Emergency Room and spoke to the on call doctor. He said not to worry, I was too young for an ulcer and it was probably that I ate something my body didn't like.

Two months later, and I'm still sick. J thinks it's my diet. So I change it and nothing helps. I go to the doctor and he says I have hemorrhoids, so I get meds and take care of that. I'm still miserable, but J thinks I'm being a drama queen and a hypochondriac and that it's still just my diet. He thinks I'm making myself throw up. I just wanted to punch him.

Fast forward to June, four months later. I am sick on my birthday vomiting for hours. Later in the week, I am sick again and vomit all night. J thinks it's because we are on vacation and I've been eating junk. I am on the phone with my friend Meg and she mentions my gallbladder. Her brother is a vet and her mother is a nurse. I tell myself to go see a doctor as soon as we get back.

When we get home from vacation it gets worse. I am vomiting every day. I cannot eat. I changed my diet to a liquid diet just so I could survive the days. I am miserable, in pain, I have vomiting and diarrhea so bad that I end up bleeding and it feels like a I have a ping-pong ball wedge underneath my right ribcage. Meg mentions my gallbladder again. I look it up and mention it to J. He thinks I'm being over dramatic and that I'm self-diagnosing. So I go to the doctor and he prescribes me some pain medicine and some anti-nausea medicine as well. I stay with the liquid diet because I am nursing and I cannot take phenegran when breastfeeding.

Of course, as you know, I end up needing surgery and while in surgery they find a gallstone the thickness of my pinky lodged in one of the gallbladder's ducts. J looked at the picture in surprise and said "It looks like trying to shove a tennis ball through a garden hose."You'll see what he meant if you go to the previous post and check out the picture.

And, as you also know, the surgery went fantastically, and I feel great. My surgeon was awesome, my doctor is awesome, and my nurse (who oddly enough is my doctor's wife) was beyond awesome. I hated being in that hospital. I hate hospitals. But I needed to get better. I missed my girls. I hadn't realized just how much of my entertainment comes from them until I was stuck in the hospital and didn't want to be there.

I'm healed completely. It was just a couple of incisions that they used to stick the camera in and use the tools to cut out my gallbladder, sew up my insides, and pull the gallbladder through a tube. Its amazing what doctors can do.

Friday, July 11, 2008


Had gallbladder surgery two weeks ago. This is a picture of my gallstone.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

I'm going to stop going to the doctor. Even for follow-ups. Every time I go to the hospital, they find something new wrong with me. I went for my first follow-up after the surgery and they found I have an UTI. So, yay...more pills. :\

Also I find it amusing when both my cat and my 8-mth-old find my skirt very entertaining.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

I want to thank all of you who kept me in your thoughts. I appreciate all the positive energies and prayers that were sent my way.

I was blessed to have such awesome surgeon, doctor, and nurses. The procedure was only an hour long, I was out today, and now the healing can begin.

It was worse than anticipated. They actually found a stone in one of my gallbladder ducts. Using my husband's analogy when he saw the picture they took, "It looks like pushing a tennis ball through a garden hose". But now it's out and I'm no longer in pain or suffering. I'm sore and tender from the surgery, but it went well, and I am feeling good.

Again, thanks so much for the positive thoughts.

I will post a more indepth post about the surgery, including some photos, tomorrow. Right now, I'm just going to hang out with my family and rest. :)

Thursday, June 26, 2008

So I just got off the phone with my doctor. He wants me to check into the hospital tonight and prep me for surgery tomorrow morning. It's a very simple procedure that will have me out by Saturday.
I am currently so scared I keep struggling to not cry. I know it will be okay, but that doesn't make the thought any less frightening.
It's official. I have to have surgery. My gallbladder is inflamed and has been the cause of my pain, suffering, and discomfort. The walls have thicken to a point where it is not releasing the bile when it needs to. I have another doctor appointment tomorrow to talk further with my doctor as well as meet my surgeon.
Thank you for all your prayers and positive energy. It has been very much appreciated.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

My doctor believes I have a dysfunction in my gallbladder as well as colitis. (If the two are related, I don't know.) Now for my gallbladder, we do not know what it is, but will have an u/s done soon to know. If i have gallstones or sludge I will need surgery to have it removed. I will also be having a CT Scan for my colon.



I was hoping for IBS, but instead I got this.

Thanks so much for the positive energies and prayers. They are truly appreciated. Knowing that helps me stay positive. And thankfully my husband is coping with it with jokes, which make the idea a little easier to bear.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Today, I am going to the doctor. For the past six months I have been getting sick. It has progressively gotten worse, especially within this month, and has escalated to a point where I have been in excruciating pain with vomiting and/or diarrhea for hours for the past few days. I'm afraid I may have a gall stone and that if I am right will need surgery to remove my gallbladder. I will be going to the doctor this morning to make sure. Please keep me in your prayers. I hate doctors and hospitals because of a fear that was rooted in my childhood. Whatever the outcome, your prayers are appreciated.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all my mommy friends who have step/children, are going to have step/children, or only have furry children. Just because you have kids doesn't make you a mom. Your good heart and nurturing ways do. So even if you've only been nurturing to your dog, this is your day, too.

With that said I did a ritual honoring my mother, my nanny, my MIL, and Earth. I thought it would be fun to have the girls do it with me, too.

I got this ritual a year or two ago from a friend. Well, let's say it's been redone with a bit of toddler flare.








Friday, May 09, 2008

My computer died. That is crap-tastic. Thankfully, J had bought another computer with a Linux OS about 6 mths ago for his birthday so we have a back up. And fantastically, I got into the habit of saving all of my files onto the external hard-drive so I don't have to mourn the loss of anything. Also, my laptop sucks and is about as useful for computer work as a regular notebook. Srsly.

J and I got new glasses today, which is nice. The lenses were god-awfully priced, but they are pretty and we have optical insurance. I now have a nice pair of sexy-librarian glasses that are scratch and glare resistant and have a warranty so that if one of my children get a hold of it and destroy it, I can replace it for free. Fingers crossed that it never happens. :D

My engagement-wedding band set was resized. They were two sizes too big and now they fit my tiny little fingers. I forgot just how small my hands are. Damn things are tiny. I got them a bit larger so when I swell in the heat they don't get stuck. Still, they are smaller than a 6. :P

My children are doing well. Iris is growing so fast. She's not as big as her sister was, only in the 50th percentile for everything, but she is growing steadily and healthy. Breastfeeding has been going well and strong. My goal was to reach 6 months, and it has passed and I'm still going. I start working on giving her solids this week. She can't keep cereal down, but her pediatrician said it was okay to start her on some peas or squash, etc. Lily is a chatter-box. She loves to talk to me, but pretty much tells her father to fuck off. I'm having a few discipline problems with her (okay, a few is an understatement) but I am working on it. She's a smart kid and a sweetheart, but she has her mother's attitude and her father's temper. *sigh* I just have to get control again. I somehow lost it somewhere; just have to find it.

Been mostly working with the girls. Lily can now count to 10, sing her ABCs, identify all the letters in upper and lower-case, identify the numbers 1-10, sing mixed up renditions of Twinkle, Twinkle, and Old McDonald, and lots of other stuff. She's no genius baby, but she is ahead of the game. Right now we are working on writing lines since most of her letters are just straight lines. Vertical lines she has, horizontal are a bit of a challenge, and diagonal, well, we'll cross that bridge later.

Iris is now low-crawling. She moves around mostly with her elbows, but does try to use her knees. She gets up on all fours, rocks, face-plants, and then won't try again for another hour. She prefers the low-crawl approach better. She's also a chatter-box. Always babbling about something, especially to get my attention.

I'm getting my driving permit on the 23rd. The Iowa Manual has practice test after every section, and after doing all of the reviews, I only missed a total of 1. :) I think I'm set and ready to go. I can't parallel park worth shit, so I won't be taking the driving test until I can, but at least this is something and will give me the opportunity to practice.

I will be getting LOTS of driving practice a week after the test. We are going to visit family in Texas for a couple of weeks and leave the 30. (I'll be there for my birthday--yay!) I offered to help J drive the way there in out new Chevy Aveo so that he won't be too tired. It's going to be a long trip indeed. I can't find someone to sit for my dog, so Missy is going to tag along. An infant, a toddler, and a dog in the back seat...trust me, this will be interesting.

I am still working on my minister's license through my mother's church. Right now, since I now have internet, I am helping out with some of her paperwork as her secretary. She needs a ton of things translated, and I seem to be the only one she can rely on. I don't mind; she's paying me. :) I can't wait for her to see the babies.

Also, I am FINALLY about to do my online Runes Class at Touch of Enchantment Institute. I haven't uploaded the lessons yet as something is wrong with my handle, but it's getting there.

I am currently sick with a cold. I think that just about covers it....

Thursday, May 01, 2008

I FINALLY HAVE THE INTERNETS!!!
J hooked it up today at around 5. We got a real good deal from Qwest.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Me: *sitting on couch signing a card*
J: "Who'd you buy a card for?"
Me: "Sweetie, what's today?"
J: "The 25th."
Me: "And when did we get married?"
J: "... the...25th..." *sheepish grin*
Me: *eye roll*
J: *throws hands up* "Happy Anniversary! I guess."
Me: *give kiss and card* "Happy Anniversary"


...The dork. LOL.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

1. I still don't have internet. I am still going to the library, just so you know. We just can't afford these luxeries. :D
2. Anyway, my new business is this:

I am currently making and selling aromatherapy pillows. Each pillow is made from cotton and pre-washed before sending. Each pillow contains 4 different herbs carefully selected for a specific aroma and purpose. I currently have 5 themes available and can make any certain theme that I have not yet created at your request. I am selling them at $13 dollars each. This covers the cost of fabric, stuffing, and herbs. There is also a $4 shipping and handling fee. If you would like me to make one, please choose one of the following themes, or you could ask me to make a specific theme for your specific need. Also, please let me be aware if you have any allergies to any herbs.

I currently have:
sleep/relaxation,
stress/tension relief,
sensuality,
trying to convieve,
and luck with money.

Give me a call if you would like to place an order as I cannot gaurantee checking my e-mail at a timely manner.

On another note, my kids and I are alive and well. :)