YAY

It's raining; BAD. So I'm sitting in the back porch, chilling in the darkness, because the power went out at around 745p and it's cooler out here than inside. Regardless of the shitty weather, though, today was a very good & eventful day. After the girls did some assessment testing, we ate lunch & spent the day at the park with Kesia and her daughter. We were there about a good two hours when it started to look like rain, so we headed back to my mom's & the girls played, watched Adventure Time & then had dinner. While at the park, I recieved a phone call from housing letting us know that our apartment is ready! We sign the lease first thing tomorrow morning. Woo hoo! J has another interview Thursday at 1p. Fingers are still crossed. Things are slowly falling into place & it feels so good.

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Power Month

It's finally May. May is the month for me. I believe it's so. I picture it and believe it is the month that will tip the balance. Everything has been at a standstill for months, but I pray this month is the one that will make things happen.

It's been two weeks since Luis Nuñez died. I went through old journal entries, finding his name in the pages, remembering how life was. I've been in reflection since. If I died tomorrow, I want my family to be able to say I did something with my life, for my life...

We were finally approved for public housing. Well, we've been approved since February, but now we are off the wait list. At the end of the month we should be moving into our new apartment. It works out perfectly. We had been staying with Gin and Doug in Cove, but their lease is up come June 1. We have a few things to pack from there that belong to us, but we will be helping them move to OK as well.

At first I panicked. Public housing rent is based on income. The monthly rent is 30% of your annual income, divided by twelve. Then, of course, there is the electric and water bills, not to mention the fact that we need internet access for our schooling. While J is working for my brother, the jobs are sporadic, the income unsteady. We need something that we know will keep us in the clear and where we will be able to keep paying our bills, no matter how small they are.  J has a job interview on Friday morning with Scott & White hospital for an IT position. Fingers, toes, and all extremities are crossed. We need this. They are very impressed with his resumé; I hope it gets him hired ASAP. Things seem like they are getting better. I hope this continues.

We are finishing up lessons with the kids, starting our end-of-year reviews and tests. The girls have been doing well so far. I hope they continue to stay focused. It becomes tedious sometimes, but they're bright kids, the sometimes just need blinders on. As for our own schooling, J just started his last two classes yesterday. Once he is done with these two, he finally graduates and gets that damned degree in his hand. He will no longer need to bust his ass doing homework (though, knowing him, he'll continue to study.) I hope this really helps him advance in his career. I'm in my third week of my second attemt at Eng125. So far not-so good. I am currently failing because I forgot to turn in my week 1 paper even though I did all of my discussion posts. HOWEVER, I did all of my discussion posts for this week AND remembered to turn in the weekly paper, so I'm hoping to bump up my grade back to a C or higher. I'm working hard. I need to focus and continue to do well in school. I CANNOT FUCK THIS UP AGAIN. Seriously.

I'm anxious. My panic attacks have been becoming more frequent and ridiculous and I hate feeling like this. My heart races, my hands shake, and I feel like vomiting. It doesn't help that my anemia is in full swing, and that I'm having "girl" issues. DISCLAIMER: TMI MOMENT; SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH NOW: I have been menstruating for the past two weeks. I know I stopped breastfeeding a month ago and have had my tubes tied, but I still don't think hemorrhaging from my snatch for two weeks straight is normal. I see the OBGYN on Thursday to make sure there are no complications.

Things are stressful, but progressing, and there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Granted, I knew there was always one, but it got pretty dark in that tunnel and very long, so it was hard to tell where in the tunnel we were. I'm glad that we are finally reaching the end of this journey so we can finally move the fuck on. I'M TIRED. I'm so excited, though. I just want all this to be done with so I can finally relax.

Things That Make My World Go 'Round

On Wednesday, April 4th, J began his work under contract with my brother. My brother recently started his own little company, and they do contract work with remodeling, repair, yard work, et cetera. J worked nonstop from Wednesday morning at 8am, until Thursday afternoon at 3pm. He came home anywhere between 9pm and 11pm during the days inbetween. Needless to say he was exhausted. I was pretty bushed myself. Being mother to four very small, very needy children, not a small task. Rose was having a very hard time adjusting, missing her daddy who had been present every day for pretty much the past two years. Dorian, being only a couple of months old, is of course demanding. Thankfully, he's been off since Thursday afternoon and won't be back at work until tomorrow so the girls have spent as much time with him as possible if he wasnt a)catching up on sleep or b) catching up on his homework.

Yesterday, I took the husband! and the children to church for Easter. The kids had a great time, well, the girls did. I believe Dorian slept through most of it, and I was so tired I don't remember much either. We had a huge lunch afterwards and then came home to take a much needed nap.

My mother spoke to the housing development today. We've been on the waitlist since February and we wanted to know where we stood. As of today, we have anywhere between 60 to 80 days before we have out FOUR-bedroom apartment. Yay! We had been staying at my father-in-law's house for the past couple of months, but he left on Thursday to Oklahoma where he found a better job. The lease on the trailer goes up in June, so Gin text-messaged me today to let me know that the landlord would be coming soon to try and get someone else to rent the place by that time. We weren't supposed to be there, so this week I will be getting our stuff out of there and into my mom's house. We've been staying at my mother's since last week due to the fact that I didn't want J driving a good 20 to 30 extra minutes to get to work and then another 20 to 30 excrutiating minutes back home. This way, he only drove 10, if even that. My brother doesn't live far from my mom.

I'm anxious. I want to get my apartment already. With J finally working, we've been able to pay some old bills and save a little. We already have the $200 that we will need for the deposit on the apartment. Apparently they are new, from what my mom tells me, but I have yet to see them.

I'm planning on going back to school, but I have a lot of things to take care of first. I need to pay my school back 2k. I have 2k from VA that I didn't use, but it's technically not mine to use as I owe them that back. I'm thinking of using it, restarting my VA, and VA will pay itself back. I just need to find a scholarship of some kind on top of the Pell Grant I will be getting so that I can continue when my VA ends in June.

I feel super tired. So much to do, so little time, so little brain to do it with.

Interviewed

I had a job interview a couple of days ago at First National Bank Texas for a bilingual teller position. It's still in review (since Wednesday) and it's driving me nuts. I really NEED this job and I'm just praying we get it. With it, I can pay my in-laws back, and pay off my school debt. Then, when we get off the wait-list for public housing, I can easily pay the rent.

Unknowingly, J and I have been going to my mom's every Tuesday to do laundry. I've been spending a lot of time with her, which has been good. She finally found the source of all her pain. Apparently, when she had her car accident, she had internal injuries that became infected. The infection cleared itself out, and left a large mass of scar tissue that has been pressing against her organs and causing her excrutiating pain ever since. She has several surgeries set up for the future. One is to extract the three tumors in her colon. Another is to remove the tumor in a kidney. And the last one is to remove as much scar tissue from her side as possible.

In general, we're doing okay. Just waiting...

Things Are Slowly Looking Up.

1. Our application for public housing was approved. We are currently on the wait-list. We almost were rejected due to losing the house back in August, but due to the circumstances and the fact that we did a deed in liue instead of a forclusure, they waived that information and approved the application anyway. Currently, we are in the top spot for the 4-bedroom wait list. However, Lisa, the social worker, is trying to find an empty 3-bedroom to house us in until a 4-bedroom is available. While there are 2-bedrooms available, it is required by law that a family of five be housed in a 3-bedroom, and a family of 6 in a 4-bedroom. The only reason they can loophole that is because Dorian will be a newborn and I co-sleep for the first two years.

2. Mother reminded me that she has a friend who works in KISD. I'm hoping that she can help J out with work. We are in desperate need. He has searched evereywhere, and everywhere has rejected him. However, he still refuses to apply at minimum wage jobs, such as Subway or McDonald's. I'm a little pissed at this. Beggars can't be choosers, and right now, we are living off of family. The fact that minimum wage is beneath him is irritating. I know he has concerns about school and how minimum wage would keep us afloat, but at this point, we have NOTHING, so arguing that fact is pointless. However, I've already said my peace on the matter. I'm done and doing my own thing. I'm not worrying about his ass if he's not getting his shit together the way *I* think he should.

3. Five more days. I have a pre-op appointment first thing tomorrow morning and then at 7am on the 7th, this baby is coming out!

4. I'm tired and hate feeling like shit all the time.

...

Anniversary didn't go as planned. J had homework to do and I felt like shit so we stayed home instead and gave the gift card to the in-laws so they can use it when they want. We stayed up well past midnight, headed to Kesia's house aroung that time and hung out for a couple of hours. We currently have an inside joke of "teamwork" and the Wonder Pets' theme song.

I am in a bunch of pain today and I've been feeling worse. I've been nauseaous and woozy for most of the day. Gin made J and I get off the living room furniture and let us lay in her bed for a couple of hours. It made me more aware of everything that hurts. My back is killing me. I just want to be done with this already. I hate being in this much pain.

I don't know where I'm sticking the baby when he comes home. I'm sure that I'm not going to want to leave the comfort and ease of the hospital. I'll have my own bed, not a recliner, and the baby and I will be comfortable in a larger room. Not that I'm not grateful for being here. I just wish we had something that we could be comfortable in. There are no homeless shelters in Killeen, and even if their were, we would still have something to do during the day.

I am very very tired.
I can't handle life anymore.

Seven Years

So I didn't realize until 11pm last night that today is my wedding anniversary. How sad is that? We have had so much shit on our plate that I actually forgot our wedding anniversary.

I'm going to see if the in-laws are willing to watch the girls in the evening & J & I can use the girst card he got on his birthday for an anniversary dinner.