Tuesday, December 25, 2007

I hope everyone who celebrates it has a wonderful and safe Christmas. For everyone else I hope you had a wonderful Yule or Hannukah or whatever. :)

I do not have internet ans I broke the laptops. Yes, more than one. I'm using my MILs for tonight.

Went and saw Sweeney Todd with J ... and NO BABIES. They stayed home with Grandma and Uncle Joe. I pumped milk a couple of weeks ago so I was able to have a free night out. It was amusing to me when I had to pump during the movie.

Um, thats it. We're doing Christmas dinner today and yesterday we opened presents. :)

Happy Holidays.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

1. I do not have internet.
2. I have a new cellphone number. :)
3. Happy Holidays!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Recorded b/c Jaz is a nosy bitch. ;) LOL

Friday, November 23, 2007

Today is J's 24th birthday. He bought himself a new computer. :) He is much pleased. You should go wish him a happy birthday.

I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful Thanksgiving yesterday. We do not celebrate Thanksgiving unless we are down with relatives, so J caught some z's and Lily and I had chili dogs while I also fed Iris.

Things have settled pretty well here. I'm terribly sleep-deprived for the most part and the house is a mess, but it's normal. You clean and five minutes later a two-year-old human version of a torando comes through and fucks shit up. *sigh* Got to love that kid, though.

I had to reschedule the appointment for the preconception consultation to a Monday. :( J's days off (though he hasn't hasd one since he went back to work) are now on the actual weekends, but the latest appointment they had on a Friday was 10:30 in the morning. Not happening. I'm hardley out of bed by that time since that's when Iris eats and regardless, it's 40 minute drive to the hospital. J is home by 9. Not gonna happen. Oh well, at least it's schedule and at least we'll go when the time comes.

It's very quiet here and that's odd. J is already asleep, Lily is busy messing with her zipper and Iris is staring off into space...

Thursday, November 22, 2007

When polar bears attack:

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

So apparently we are not going to wait until January to see what a specialist says. J thinks it's too much of a risk to have any more children.
*sigh* This having no more children thing has me horribly depressed. I have been crying on and off since Monday.

Monday, November 12, 2007

My In-Laws were here for the weekend. It was a weekend well-spent and I was able to have a mini-vacation and rest up some. We had a good time.

Today I went to see my gynecologist to check my surgery site and make sure I was healing correctly. She also needed to go over a few things with me, like birth control methods, medications, etc. I told her I was going to try and conceive again next year so I was going to stick to natural methods. (Thanks to www.mymonthlycycles.com)

After I had Iris, the pediatrician mentioned to me that Iris had developed a rare antigen in the womb that I did not have. The antigen, however, is not in my blood and therefore during the pregnancy my body created antibodies to fight it. I did not have this problem with Lily as it seems that Justin is the one carrying it so we have a 50% chance of having a baby with it. It did not affect Iris as it was obviously the first time my body encountered this antigen and created the antibodies. Unfortunately with these antibodies, if I get pregnant again and the baby is positive for this antigen, my body will try and fight the pregnancy as a disease. The rare, but still frightening, worse-case scenario is that I miscarry. The more possible worse-case scenario is that the baby becomes horribly anemic and that I'd have to deliver early. Of course with that scenario, depending on how far along I am, the baby can have serious complications b/c of preterm birth and can either die or be in the hospital for a long period of time. If it does not end that way, then the baby would get blood transfusions during gestation and I would have to be constantly monitored.

This makes me horribly upset. I was told this from both my OBGYN and the Pediatrician when Iris was born, but I didn't understand it very well. Now that I have an understanding it just makes me terribly depressed. We want a large family. We want at least five children. I don't think we will be able to have that with this dark cloud looming over our heads. I know that I am not strong enough to deal with a miscarriage or a still birth. My mental stability needs help standing and can't do it on its own.

When I told J what my doctor had said I tried to be tough and not let it bother me too much. I have made an appointment with a specialist in January to discuss preconception methods and see if there is anything we can do medically. This is a rare antigen, and not many doctors know what to do in this situation. I'm hoping that I will be able to conceive without any problems, but there is really nothing we can do physically. We could try IVF, discard all the positive-antigen embryos, but I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of stress, and I know we wouldn't be able to afford it. Our insurance doesn't cover it, and it's expensive, extensive and painful. I can't go through that process. SO I sat and cried.

I know I'm letting it get to me when I shouldn't, but the thought that I couldn't have any more children because of the risk saddens me. I don't want any of my children to suffer and I don't want myself to suffer as well. If I become pregnant it is considered high risk. I'd have to be in and out of the hospital constantly. My mom says that I should just be happy with the two that I have and not try for any more, but I want them to have more sisters (and maybe brothers.) I want my big family. I just hate the fact that if it's not one thing it's another.

*sigh* I shouldn't let this get to me. Right now I don't know much about this b/c it's so rare. I'm hoping that when we see the specialist I can rest assured. But I won't know until January.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

The Last 20 Years

20 years ago: 1987- I am a year old and the cutest thing in Puerto Rico. ;) Seriously, I can only remember the color of my Nanny's furniture. (Red and black, velvet) My parents (who were not married) separate and all custody is given to my mom. The next year my mom marries.

15 years ago: 1992- 6 years old, living in WA, just learned English a year or two earlier. Get my 1st grade teacher fired at the end of the year because she is the Devil and treated her class like hell. I was the only one who spoke up. The next year I no longer need to go to ESL (English as a Second Language)

10 years ago: 1997- 11 years old. Moved to TX two years prior. Started middle school, started my menstrual cycle for the first time the month of (20 days after) my birthday. Am DEVASTATED about the fact that I'm a girl (I was the only one of my female friends who had a period, and also the only one who thought this was the worse thing that could have happened to me). LOL. Have been an abuse victim for two years, will continue for a year more. Move to HI two years later.

5 years ago: 2002- Moved back to TX two years prior after step-dad commits suicide. Am in High School, 16 years old, Grandmother dies, am an emotional wreck, get out of Choir and ROTC b/c I needed time to heal from my Mami's (what we called our Grandmother) death, get into theatre and computers, meet my future husband and just know I will be with him "4Eva", continue to be an emotional wreck addicted to pills, drugs, and cutting herself, suffering from anorexia. Can't handle the fact that J has joined the military and will not be living in my house anymore.

Today: 2007- Am married, 21, living in a small town in Iowa with our own house and a toddler with a baby due in a week and a half. Have a dog, lots of hobbies, and read too much. Am quite content with the way life has turned out and haven't been this content...ever. I am finally who I want to be (sort of.) I'm at a place where spiritually, I know this is me. I've accepted that without any of the things I had gone through in the past, I would not be here, I would not be who I am, and I would not be as knowledgeable about the world. I have many life lessons that my daughters can use as examples and I now understand that to really be free, you just have to finally let go of the anger and all the hurt. Long process. VERY long process.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Health: I'm very, incredibly tired. I'm stressed because my toddler is defiant and most of the times I just want to beat her. I'm so tired of the tantrums. My aches won't go away, my headaches won't go away, the nausea and the dizziness won't either. Good news: I do not have arthritis. All the tests cam back negative. Bad news: I still have arthalgia, which is just a fancy name for joint pain. And guess what? There's not a damn thing I can do about it until after the baby is born. I'm stuck with Tylenol which doesn't do two shits for me and my everything hurts.More exercise would actually help and relieve the pain, but I can barely move sometimes from my BH contractions. I just want this done and over with. I just want to be able to stand for more than 10 minutes without having my back and hips feel like they are splitting into several pieces. My allergies are also kicking my ass. My blood pressure is incredibly low. Now, yes, I've always had low blood pressure, but I'm pregnant and I can't have the risk of fainting when I have a toddler as well. My doctor is not alarmed by this. Ugh, I just want to bite someone's face off. Other than that, I'm pretty healthy and my pregnancy is normal. Iris is perfect and has my facial bone structure. The skinned knee that I got a couple of weeks ago has healed up very well. Not as bad as I thought it was. could have been worse if I didn't know how to fall properly. Thank you Theatre.

Arts & Crafts: I've gotten into making beaded jewelry. It is true what people say. It's very relaxing, however the only reason it is is b/c is quite repetitive. If you can't sit still for more than five minutes, beading is a bad idea. ;) I've finished one of the three curtains for Lily's room. I've finished both baby blankets, and I'm struggling with monogramming a blanket for a friend. I feel bad that it's taking me so long, but nowadays if it doesn't involve sleep, I'm not interested.

Family: J is stressed. He may not say it, but he's been grinding his teeth in his sleep. Lily is a brat and is reaching that "Two" phase. Her tantrums are getting quite old and most of the time I want to pop her right in the mouth. She's cute and adorable, but the tantrums need to stop. I do not have the strength to drag her ass on the floor. (Which i don't) I just leave her there when she throws herself or drops herself. I do not have the patience for her "I'm the Princess and want everything I say now." Missy (dog) is getting on my nerves. (truthfully, everything is.) Love that cocker to pieces, but she hovers right at my feet and stand right in the way of a door when you come out. I have tripped over her multiple times and I just want to kick her. Thankfully, I haven't fallen yet.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

This is a bit TMI as it is a look into my sex life. So just drive through.

I don't know if it has to do with my past history of being sexually abused or what, but it's starting to irritate me...

I thought I was over this. I can talk about my abuse just like I can talk about yogurt. It's not difficult to get through memories or flashbacks, though I still cry sometimes, but it's nothing I can no longer handle. I can have sex with my husband and not feel like screaming but there are times that it gets unbearable.

When it comes to physical sexual interaction I get nervous. I turn into a nervous wreck and my body panics. I used to be pretty good at hiding this and getting through it. I could enjoy sex and not feel ashamed. But lately, it's gotten to a point where J thought I was disinterested in making love. I'm not, I just get nervous, shy and self-conscious. I know it's partly to blame on the pregnancy. I'm about 8 months along, so I have a flesh-colored watermelon stuck to my person that's moves around like some animatronic creature from Alien. My breasts are leaking, and most of the time, if it doesn't involve sleep, I don't want to know about it. Another part is the Lexapro. It's not some happy pill like a lot of people think. It helps keep your brain chemicals balanced and it helps me focus on emotion and where to place that emotion. Unfortunately, I can't detach myself from emotion if I'm taking them. So I am fully aware of what is happening and how I feel about it. And the last part, well, unless I talk to a "professional" I can't really say. I don't know if my abuse history really has anything to do with it, or it's just me. And that's what bothers me.

What also bothers me is that I cannot be 100% intimate with my husband. I get uncomfortable and shaky or nervous and shy. I'm not afraid of him, we've done this many times before. I wouldn't be pregnant again if I didn't enjoy it. But it's like my brain says one thing and my body is like "OK." We try and experiment, do new things, and my body panics. I either freak out and cry for a good 10 minutes, or have to stop everything and recollect myself. It's not a great feeling. I feel stupid and out of control. I'm thankful that J is understanding and better than getting pissy about it he'll just hold me until I calm down and accept the fact that I'm just emotionally fucked. He doesn't pressure me, and he doesn't complain, but I know deep down that he wants it to be different, too.

When we first began having sex (in my mid teens), I was able to emotionally detach myself and just be. That only the physical would know what was happening and that it would not emotionally register to my brain until afterward. By that point, the act had ended, so my body wouldn't panic. I had created a sexual being (who I called Freya, after a Goddess of sexuality) who could handle it and be normal about it and little crazy Vonnie would just hide in a corner until Freya was done. At the end, Yvonne, as a whole person, would be satisfied. But then there was that year where J and I were separated that Freya was not needed. And so she went away. And now I have to teach myself, again, how to be physically intimate...with my own husband.

It's not the same anymore. I know it has a big deal to do with the fact that we are relearning each other, exploring areas that hadn't been visited in a long while, but it's still a pain in the ass. Better than feeling refreshed and calm after sex, I feel ashamed. I can't look at him during sex. I can look at an ear, or his nose, mouth, whatever. But I cannot directly look into his eyes without looking away. I've tried. I want to be there. I want to be intimate, and I just cant. I keep my eyes closed for the most of it so I don't have to try and avoid looking at anything. If I do, my body will feel like it's losing control, panic, and then I'll stop and cry. And when that happens I just feel silly and embarrassed. I just really hate feeling like that.

I don't like it. Sex with your spouse, or any one you love, should not feel like this. It should be wonderful and pleasant. Granted, it is wonderful, I do enjoy having sex with my spouse, but I do not want to and should not be feeling ashamed or nervous when with him. So I did some more thinking and came to a semi-solution/explanation on one part.

In the beginning I never quite understood why I liked BDSM. I thought it odd that someone with an abuse history would enjoy a form of abuse. Though it is in controlled situations, you still get hit, tied, whatever. And then last night, while I discussed some of this situation with J it occurred to me...when I'm being held down, tied, strangled, or "punished", my body is allowed to panic. It is a completely normal reaction for my body to freak out, while I emotionally do not because I have a place to focus it on.

In reality, I just wish I could have a normal reaction to sex. I do not, and that pisses me off. I want my husband to know that I enjoy it, that he pleases me, and that I'm not afraid to try new things. *sigh* Unfortunately, that's not going to happen any time soon.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

So, Tuesday morning was a lovely lunar eclipse. I sat outside and watched it until about a half hour before it ended. Why leave so soon? Because I went down the front steps of our yard to get to the street as the moon had moved and was being blocked by the trees. I missed the third to the last step and fell the last couple down to the sidewalk. No, I did not land on my belly. I had braced myself (as I did theatre and I know how to fall a certain way) so that I would not injure myself. Unfortunately, these steps and the sidewalk are pavement. So I now have a severely skinned knee, a scraped foot, a cut toe, a torn toenail, and a scratched leg. My foot is sore, but has scabbed over, my skin is dry, so the scratches never even bled as they only got dead skin, and my knee. Well my knee was the worse of it. It's badly bruised and hurts, but J has been helping me keep it clean and bandaged so it's not anything I can't handle. Plus, I can walk on it just fine.

Tuesday I went to the Social Security Administration building in Council Bluffs to request a name change and a new card. I have officially changed my last name to Ames. The only Ortiz left is my brother, which is a given. ;) But it's done with and OMG did they need so much stuff just to change it! I brought in my application as well as anything and everything that had my name on it. Birth Certificate (Ortiz), Old SS card (Ortiz), Marriage Certificate (Ames), Old ID card (Ortiz), New ID card (Ames), Health Insurance card (Ames) ... The only reason it took me so long was that every time I'd try to change it before I either didn't have enough "proof" or I forgot my stuff or I arrived after closing. Oh well, at least now it's done. We are now "officially" the Ames family and the only thing left to prove that I'm Hispanic other than my birth certificate is when I open my mouth and say something in Spanish. LOL. My English is so American that people can't believe it is my second language.

Nothing new here...just waiting for October...

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

right now, i am watching the lunar eclipse and it is awesome. (but then again, i am a dork.) it should be finished in about an hour. :) i love natural phenomena.

Monday, July 30, 2007

I swear, I'm fucking hating the company my husband works for. If there were any open jobs, he'd hop on that shit in a heartbeat. *sigh* We've had no medical insurance since the first of July...we JUST found out, so I called department of human services to see if we qualified for Medicaid. I need refills for both my arthritis and depression pills. As well as all the fucking hospital visits I've had this month. This is ridiculous and medication is expensive. *sigh*

Other than that, things have been well. I hurt everywhere, and I'm stressed a bit, but I'm good.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

I have been stressed out lately.

I'm not quite sure why. I've woken up every morning wih my jaw aching and my teeth feeling as if they were digging into my gums, which means I've been clenching them in my sleep. If I had a mouth gaurd, I would use it. I know J is stressed as well. He's been grinding his.

I think I may just be over-analyzing things. I keep worrying about what is going to happen when Iris is born. I know she's healthy (I'm miserable), but little things have started to sink in and I don't know if I can handle it when she's here. I had the help of family and friends when I had Lily, I'll be alone (for the most part) with Iris, along with Missy (dog) and Lily running around like a maniac.

I want so many things to get done. I have to do them, obviously. Just chores of mine that I have been putting off for months, like the towering pile of dishes in the sink, and the mess of clothing in the basement. My husband tackled the clothing, but refuses to wash the dishes as that is one of my jobs. I want to organize all the baby clothing that I have packed away in boxes. It's a big giant mess and I need to separate them into sizes like I did before Lily was born. I haven't even taken her dresser (plastic) upstairs so she can have drawers for her cloths instead of me putting her shorts, pyjamas and socks on a shelf. I just finished folding up the mountain of clean laundry that was sitting in our room last night, but haven't even begun folding up Lily's. Everytime I finish one thing, or am nearly finished, I get exhausted and need a break or a nap. I'm constantly tired. These chidlren are sucking out the life from me right now...

I'm making blankets as gifts for friends. (Draco, your blanket will be late! Sorry!) I also have to finish Lily's curtains, which I have been mad at forever, and I've only done one panel. J thinks it's a very simple task. "How hard is it to pin up two large squares of fabric and sew them together?" If it's that easy, you fucking do it. You have to make sure the thread tension is right, you have the right thread, you have the right amount of pressure on the pedal, and that your hand doesn't slip. Also have to make sure the fabric stays in place because even though it is pinned doesn't mean it won't bunch up in areas. When sewing a new project, if it's not one thing, it's another. I have spent, during every project, at least a half hour correcting a problem. It's frustrating. Sewing is not as easy is it looks. I don't care if I have sewn for a long time. I'm not a fucking pro.

I just want to sleep forever.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

My family back home is going through hell and back. I'm worried for them but at the same time, I'm glad I'm here in the middle of nowhere with nothing to worry about except my kids, my husband, and my dog. And everyone here is healthy and fantastic---sort of. The dog is being terrorized by my daughter.

My sister signed divorce papers yesterday. She's sick and tired of the hell her husband has put her and her kids through in the past 5 years. In the beginning it wasn't so bad, but it has gotten worse. I feel for those kids. I love them as if they were my own. I used to change their diapers and read to them and scold them and chase after their naked ass trying to get them into the tub... He's been using them. Trying to get them against their mother. That shit's just fucked up. You don't do that to children. My nephew and niece are only 12 and 7. That shit just irritates the hell out of me.

Sol (sister) is stress the fuck out. I don't blame her. But she's horribly diabetic with medical problems coming out of her ass so she has to be careful. All the stress has effected her eyes and they are bleeding again. She went to get them fixed, but all they could do was clear them out. The doctors let her know that there was nothing they could do to save them now. They've gotten that bad. Slowly but surely she will be blind.

My mother has had a recent episode. For those who don't know, my mother has been committed to an asylum 3 times. The first time was shortly after my stepfather had committed suicide and she went off the deep end. She was hallucinating that he and his things were still present. The last two times were that she was running down the street prophesying the coming of the Christ, etc. This time she didn't run, she walked, but she was still in the middle of the street, and well, crazies aren't allowed to run around in public. I mentioned to her that she's in her 50s and that her mother had Alzheimer's. I suggested she get checked since it's hereditary. She threw a fit and started reprimanding the devil, saying that she prays every day to God and that it will never happen to her. I think she's stupid. God can create miracles, yes, but he can't make them without a little help. You should always meet Him halfway. I just said fuck it. She wants to die young and unaware, that's fine with me. I'm not the one who is going to take care of her. None of her children are. We are sick and tired of her stupidity, her stubbornness, and her blind faith. We have no problem in putting your faith in God, it's letting it run amuck that is the problem. She doesn't know how to control herself when she has her episodes, and if she'd rather be "property of the sate" when it gets out of hand, so be it.

My brother is worried for her, but she revoked his POA and any guardianship he had, so he can't do a damn thing for her. Her fault, her problem. We're done trying to help her out. All she ever did was push us away anyway.


I was contemplating suicide yesterday with a few people. We were discussing the topic, not how to kill ourselves. Anyway, all of them were Pagan--mostly Wicca, and in our Rede it states "And it harm none, do what you will." We all agreed that this included self. BUT, many of them were, I guess, sympathetic. They thought they had no right to place judgment on a person's decision. (Ok, that's logical.) And that they wouldn't know how much suffering this person was going through. (Ok, that's logical, too.) And that many of us believe in reincarnation anyway. (Uh-huh, yeah.) And since they were going through so much pain, we have no right to think of them as weak. (Oh, bite my ass.)

I couldn't help but be pissed off. I don't know why, but the thought of some idiot taking the easy way out just infuriates me. If you're going to do it, it's because you're a wimp and can't handle it. And I'm not saying that I haven't thought of suicide myself, I have, but I overcame my fears and such and jumped that hurdle. We can be strong enough, it's possible, but if you'd rather go like a wimp, so be it. So they got a little upset with me for being so judgmental. I told them to go fuck themselves, because I've been through hell and back and I'm still here. "You wouldn't understand their suffering." Oh, please. I've been raped, abused sexually, physically, and emotionally, as well as been abandoned, all this from birth to age 20. This all done by FAMILY. Not some random guy off the street. This includes my stepfather, mother, father and husband, and you know what, I'm still here, still standing, and still causing hell for those who piss me off. If you can't handle it and you go and kill yourself, you're a coward and you didn't deserve life in the first place. One girl put it well, "If something was so bad in this life that you saw no other way out other than suicide, you obviously didn't learn what you should have from the situation and you will just have to deal with the same problems in a later incarnation." Amen to that.

Monday, July 02, 2007

My brain feels like it's going to implode. I've been thinking a lot lately, mostly on this new baby, but on life in general. I still feel down a lot, but I'm glad I've been put on medication or else I wouldn't even want to get up in the morning. At least now I can function--somewhat.

I've just been thinking a lot. I've been thinking about what I want in life. Truthfully, I'm scared shitless about this new baby. No, I'm not worried about Iris. I know she's thriving in there and growing and becoming intelligent and beautiful in my womb, but I'm now fully aware of what is going to come. I don't want to have a cesarean again. Ever. And I know the possibility of that is out there. I don't want any complications like I had with my first child, I don't want to be immobile the first couple of weeks like I was with Lily. I felt terrible, and I cried a lot because I couldn't really do anything with her. I couldn't move and my mother wasn't helping me on the things I wanted to do with her. I know things are different this time. I know J will support me in breastfeeding and that he'll help me when he's around, but for the most part, I'll be alone. And that also terrifies me. I don't know if I'm smart enough, or strong enough for that kind of responsibility. True, there really isn't any turning back now and I really have no choice, but how does someone prepare for that?

I'm scared that I'm going to fail as a mother. Now don't get me wrong, I know I'm a good mom. I'm not supermom or anything, and I know I'm not perfect, but I do love my child. And i feed her, and clothe her, and make sure she knows her body parts. Hell, most of what Lily knows is because I taught it to her. Those goofy dance moves though are totally her father's. But I feel that once Iris is born, I won't be able to give Lily what she needs or vice versa. I feel like I may make the other one feel left out and neglected and I don't want either of them to feel that. I know how some moms are. I know they don't mean to choose a favorite, but it happens. My brother is my mom's favorite, though she hates his lifestyle, and my niece is my sister's favorite. I know what it's like to feel left out and I don't want that to happen to my kids. I don't want to do that, but I'm afraid I will.

As you see, I'm just very scared right now. I'm at a place where I don't know what I want and I don't know what to do. I feel pretty useless most of the time, and I know that's my fault. I spend most of the day just wondering and thinking and I don't actually do anything. I don't clean, I don't do any housework, I just sit on my ass most of the day and force myself to eat. I want to do a bunch of things, but most of the time I have a toddler and a dog hovering around my feet that a lot of times I almost trip and want to smack the both of them. It's frustrating to have so many shadows. My friend Danita, I don't know how she does it and I admire her, but she has her daughter and her animals and her home business and she still runs around and does housework and runs errands and spends time with her kids. And I look at my friend Carol who has her husband and her three kids who are what I call "stair children." One right after the other with maybe 18-24 months between them, yet she manages to handle all three of them and do what she needs or wants to do. I admire that. And by looking at them I know it's not impossible to do what you need to in life and take care of your kids, but I just don't feel mentally, emotionally, and physically able. I feel like a giant blob of space that's just taking up all the room.

I don't clean, so this house is a mess. It's completely in shambles, and every time I look at the kitchen sink I get discourage and just leave without touching a dish. Yet I still go in my head, "Vonnie, you need to clean those. Vonnie, J wants you to clean those. Vonnie, go clean the goddamn dishes!" And somehow I ignore it and never do it. I want to go through all these boxes and get things where they go. But I don't want to 1. hurt myself, and 2 work. I'm super lazy and that's a really big factor on why things never get done. I stopped going to school. I just don't have the motivation for it. Not one ounce. I'll get very excited and then after maybe two or three classes, that's it. I'm done and never want to go through that again. And at the same time I feel bad. It's a waste of money if I'm not going to do it, and then I'm just useless because I don't have my extended education. Ok, yeah, I graduated high school (barely), but I really don't know anything. I was never given the opportunity to learn about life and it's responsibilities. I was spoiled as a child and pampered. Hell, even know I'm a spoiled, pampered princess because my husband is, well he's awesome in my opinion. Regardless, I can't drive, I only know how to cook because I follow recipes from a book or have a few memorized from my mom and sister. Yet I hate to cook anyway. Like I said previously, I don't clean--as I hate housework but I love making messes. I can't drive a car. Yet I still bought one. I don't know if I ever will drive one at this point. I'm 21, still no license, and I'm scared shitless to get behind the wheel thanks to my mom. (I almost caused an accident when I was learning.) AND I rarely ever use my common sense.

Now, I know I am smart. When I talk to strangers or get together with a group of would-be-friends they tell me that I seem so much older than I really am when in their eyes, I'm just a baby. I feel very proud and special when this is said, but at the same time I feel like I'm putting on an act. I know I'm not. I don't change for other people and I don't hide who I am. For the most part, I like who I am, but I still feel like this person that they see isn't really there. I know she's a part of me, but I just never see her. I know I'm smart because I study what I love. You ask me questions about my faith or my heritage and I can give you a pretty decent answer. (Hey, I'm not perfect.) I know I'm doing some things right when I ask Lily where certain body parts are and she shows me. She understands me, and I know that I'm showing her things, that she's learning from me. I know I'm book smart (I'm streets-smart challenged) but at the same time I feel quite stupid. I know I'm capable of a lot of things, I just don't know what they are. I know I have talents, but I'm just not motivated enough (even when not pregnant) to do anything with them.

I sat in the car yesterday when we went to run some errands. I was listening to a CD my husband had burned that had his favorites on it, and I was singing along to the opera bits when I sat there and went, "Jesus. I could be making millions right now." I can sing, I can dance, I can draw, I can write, I can act, though my drawing and dancing are on the mediocre side, I can still do these things. The rest quite well. And I'm doing nothing with them because I lack the motivation. I lack the drive.

This entry is all over the place, I'm sure. But that's how I feel. I wish I could blame all these feelings on symptoms of pregnancy, but I can't. I'm going into my second trimester, and I'm on medication, so I know these feelings are mine and not just me being hormonal. I just wish I could turn my brain off.


I've been seriously analyzing my faith this past week or so. I think everyone should do this at least once in their lives. It helps to go through all the knots. It also separates the believing because you have to and believing because you want to.

I met a girl here in town who is Pagan. Very sweet awesome woman with a 4 year old son. She's living with her parents right now and going to school, but that's not important. Anyway, she went to a ritual last week in the city and let me tag along. The circle, the Sage Circle, is mostly a healing circle and was originally a sisterhood that had begun that ended on not so great terms. They reformed, regrouped, and did better planning and decided to start from scratch on a much smaller scale. Trying to start a coven is no easy task and so they decided to lower the standards a bit, so to speak. Anyway, after spending a pretty awesome night with them, it got me to think about what I want out of my faith and my beliefs. I have a luncheon to go to on Thursday to meet up with the founders to discuss what I am looking for in a group and what I think about theirs, etc, and it got me to thinking about what I wanted. What I really wanted and not just what I thought I wanted.

I stocked up on a lot of my witchy supplies. J is very supportive on my choice of religion and just teases me every once in a while. Usually when I watch witch-themed movies or if I left a mess in the basement (my space) after a ritual and forgot to clean it up. After getting supplies I felt a little more prepared in a way. I felt ready to take on the world, kind of.

So I started thinking. I was raised in a Baptist-Pentecost environment. My parents did missionary work, and my mother became a minster (now a pastor.) I went to church regularly, every Wednesday, Friday, and twice on Sunday. I was an officer, treasurer, in the youth group (I was also the youngest at 12.) and planned and did activities. I graduated from the adult bible school and have a framed certificate from the School of Ministry to show my completion. I've read the Bible front to back, I can quote scriptures, I've taught classes, I've written sermons, I've taken classes to become a minister myself, I've spoken in tongues (which creeped me out) and have been touch by the Holy Spirit as well as been baptized. And throughout this entire time I felt empty and unhappy. I tried to make it work, I really did. But I just never felt complete. A lot of Christians always tell me how fantastic they feel after being saved, how wonderful it is to have Jesus in their lives. And I can honestly feel happy for them, but at the same time I can't help but wonder why I never felt that way.

There was a point in high school where my mother and I had an argument which ended up me being forced to go to church every Friday night. My mother was irritated that I kept falling asleep during the sermon, but I didn't want to be there. On Halloween, she had made me go with friends to a church. I was not happy. I didn't want to be rude or disrespectful to our friends, so I went, but afterwards I let my mother know how I felt. She had not asked me whether or not I had plans or whether or not I wanted to go. She mentioned that I had to go that day, and I knew the only reason she wanted me to go was because I "needed Salvation." Frankly, I was tired of the church and I had been a Pagan in the broom closet for years.

These events, however, did not influence my change into Paganism as I was already in Wicca by the time they happened. The main catalyst in my transformation was when I 13 and was delving deep into studying theology. I would check out several books at a time and you would find me locked up in my room reading a book on the Occult as well as see a Post-It Note infested book on the history of Christianity at my feet. This continued well into my college years (read, age 18).

There was girl, Tiffany, who was in my Home Ec class. One day she brought Silver Ravenwolf's Teen Wicca into class. She let me borrow it and I read through it at home. My parents found it and threw a fit. I advised them that I was only reading into the religion, wanting to know more about it, when they went on into some monologue about how opening any book on witchcraft and letting it enter your heart was opening the gates of hell and letting the Devil get a vantage point. (WTF?) Regardless, I told them I was studying and showed them the pile of books on religion that was sitting on my desk. The backed off for a while.

A few days later, after I had finished reading the book and returned it back to Tiffany, I discussed some of what I had learned with friends. Lizzie, a friend, mentioned that she had found some stuff about her grandmother and believed that she was a witch. I was very interested and we continued to discuss the topic through the week. Later we began to practice a few visualization techniques as well as travel into the astral plane. Not very smart for two 13 year old 8th graders, but we were young and naive and eventually learned that this was an art and not a game.

The next year I took a step back from the church. My stepfather had committed suicide, my mom was committed to the hospital, my brother, who was only 21 at the time, was trying to take care of me and the household. Even though I prayed profusely and tried to find solace in the church, I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried or how many times I went I just kept feeling emptier and began to rebel. I felt disconnected. I didn't enjoy it, and I was feeling like something was missing.

I would talk to my mom about feeling the Holy Spirit and she would go off on a tangent about how wonderful it was. Frankly to me it felt like an egg being cracked on my head and afterward I just felt numb. I didn't mention it because she had gone off on how great God was. We also talked about talking in tongues. My first and only experience was when I was 12. It scared the hell out of me. After I noticed what was happening I just let it be, but it felt awkward and I didn't like it. My mom mentioned how it was such a gift, that not everyone could speak in the language of God and that many people faked it. That it was this wonderful thing, and so forth, and how you felt accomplished. I had felt retarded is what I had felt. I wasn't feeling any of the wonderfulness she kept mentioning. I wasn't feeling complete like she did. I wasn't feeling anything.

For a long time I thought that the only reason why I didn't feel anything in Christianity was because I had inner demons and was blocking out all access. In reality, I was trying to get something to come in and show me that things would be okay. I only got that from Wicca. I questioned the Bible a lot and never got any straight answers. Why is it that vanity and jealousy are sin, but yet it says that God is vain and a jealous God and we can't worship anybody else. Why is it okay for him to feel these and not us? Why is a God that is so powerful and so loving, why does he chastise those who are different if he wanted us to not be the same? Why can we not love those who we wish to love and not what someone else thinks we should? Why is witchcraft considered such a horrible thing but they mention the Magi and how they brought gifts to Jesus? They were frickin' magicians, i.e.-witches, in King Herod's court. They brought him incense! Yet when people mention witches they think malice, greed, deception, and power of the bad sort, and not of the three Magi.

There was just so much that I didn't agree on and so much that I wasn't happy about. I wasn't happy with anything. I didn't think Christianity was a bad religion or a wrong religion, I just didn't think it was for me. The night I dedicated myself to the Goddess and to Wicca, on June's full moon 7 years ago, I felt what I had been missing in Christianity. I felt complete. It didn't matter whether I loved a man or a woman, just as long as I loved. I knew there were still consequences, but I wasn't going to suffer in eternal damnation just because I made a few mistakes. I knew or the karmic rule and the rule of three. I knew I'd get what I deserved if I didn't take my steps wisely, and I knew not to play with forces that weren't mine to play with. I felt home. Not only did I have Mother-Goddess, but I had her Horned consort, my Father-God. I felt in tune with nature and I started to see the world differently.

I researched and practiced the Craft, and still do to this day. I am ever-learning, and I enjoy my life. I pray to the Goddess and the Horned-One, and I have my own pantheon that I follow. I chose my deities and I'm full of love that I wasn't getting from Christianity.

Wicca may have been the first religion I studied outside the Judeo-Christian spectrum, but it wasn't the last. I did study on Satanism, Buddhism, Hinduism, and bunch of other -isms, but I always came back to Wicca. I always felt at peace in this religion and continue to feel that way. I didn't choose this religion just for show, and I didn't choose it because I hate judgmental Christians and I want to get back at the church or something along those lines. I still love my Christian brethren, and all those of other paths. I have a Unitarian perspective that no religion is the One religion and that regardless of the gods we choose to worship, the Universe is one and we all appreciate Divinity and what it has to offer.

Wow, that came out a bit preachy. Oh well. Damn, this entry came out much longer than I had intended it to. It took me 2 hrs to write. I kept getting distracted by a little curly-haired midget.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Today is the Summer Solstice. I wish I had most of my witchy stuff here with me so I could make a small altar in my work space in the basement, but alas.... I'm meeting a fellow witch today in a couple of hours; hopefully. We keep having to reschedule for one reason or another, but hopefully today will work out.

Through an online request, I became an ordained minister. It was as simple as just sending them your information and they e-mailing you back. I hope my mother never finds out. She worked hard to become a minister, spending money and a lot of time on her theology courses. All I did was e-mail Universal Life Church out of curiosity.

I'm going to be teaching an online course in divining with runes. I did a rough daft, and there are about 15 lessons total, but they are pretty small and easy to follow. Only 3 quizzes, 2 journals, and the final exam. All I need to do is come up with a grading system and a grading policy. I may even get paid for the course. I really hope I do. I need a couple of bucks here and there considering that I'm quitting my Mary Kay business as it's not working out.

Since being put on Lexapro, my emotions have changed quite noticeably. I'm quite pleased with the outcome. True, I still suffer the side-effects that come with the drug; nausea, shakiness, dizziness, and drowsiness, but I'd rather be in a good mood in the morning, than pissing and moaning throughout the day. Even J has noticed the difference. I missed one pill and was horribly cranky. It's side that I have to depend on a pill to keep me emotionally stable, but at the same time, I am not surprised. I need to just deal with the fact that I may have to be dependant of this to function. I've tried multiple times to go without medication, and it just doesn't work.

I'm taking my friend Draco's advice (along with Cindy's and J's) on making blankets and selling them. I started making a website, but it needs a lot of work, and right now, I don't have the time for it. I'm making a couple of blankets before I start selling them as gifts for friends and will take pictures of them for example purposes. I'm hoping that this will do a lot better than Mary Kay. I posted a notice in witchvox about my blanket and pillow making as I know how to make a specified pouch inside to put herbs for aroma therapy in. One of the pillows my mom sent Lily gave me the idea. It smells of roses and lavender.

J got us bikes along with the little baby trailer to attach to the back end. We're hoping to do a lot of bike riding, but it is proving to be difficult. The weather has been incredibly hot. I can only take the dog out for a few minutes before I begin to get very ill. I can barely make the 10 minute walk to the library with the baby before I start feeling dizzy. I've been indoors for the most part, though we have gone to the pool. Only once. The sun is just too much. I can barely make it anywhere before feeling the urge to pass out.

I'm a lot bigger than I thought I was. I've barely gained any weight this pregnancy, but I'm not worried about it, as I had the same problem with my first and she came out just fine. I don't wish to gain too much weight anyway, as getting it off, during the holidays for that matter, would just be too much a of a hassle. I'm glad we eat extra healthy here. Tons of fruits, vegetables, and whole wheat. When Lily wants a snack it's either fruit, crackers, or a slice of bread. I think I gave her a slice of chicken once.

Wow, I didn't mean to talk so much. I'm just in a really good mood today and obviously very chatty. I hope this keeps up and that the meds continue to work. I helps when Lily is being a terror.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

After this month, I am thinking of quitting my Mary Kay business as I am losing more than I am gaining. I'll give it one last hoorah beofre the month is through, but if I cannot get a a $400 order by the end of this month, I'm done. I don't want to keep wasting my time and energy on something that is not working out. After June my status is near termination anyway since I canh't keep up with making an order over 200 wholesale every two months. Anyway, I'm babbling I just wanted to let those of you who were my customers know. Even though I was uber excited about the new men's line, no one is biting. *sigh* Oh well. Here's hoping that I find something better or better luck next time...

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

We bought a dog yesterday from the Humane Society. She was an owner surrender. She's a gorgeous blond cocker spaniel mix. She's absolutely adorable and very sweet. Thankfully, she's already been trained, so she'll go to the door when she needs to go to the bathroom and she already knows sit, come, and lay down. Lily absolutely adores her. She'll give her hugs and kisses and just love all over her. I have to keep reminding her to be gentl though. She's a bit of a rough-houser and I know how much pain my little tyke can cause. She does it to me all the time when we play; hell, even when we don't play.

Missy, the dog, really seems to like it here. She loves to cuddle and followes me everywhere. Now instead of 1 shadow, I have two. I'm guessing her previous owner loved her a lot and just couldn't keep her for one reason or another. I'm also guessing that it was female since she clings to me and not to J. She slept with us in the bed until I asked J to move her to the foot of the bed, where she stayed most of the night. I had to take her out at 4 so she could go.

I'm a little stressed out lately. Mainly because my child has been a terror. I know she's reaching her second birthday in half a year, and I know she can sense I'm pregnant and that things are chaninging, but she's clingy, and whiny, and bratty, and sometimes just downright mean.

Life is just a tad frustrating right now. I'm thinking of quitting Mary Kay, mainly because I can't seem to make any real business from it and I'm losing more than I am gaining. My husband thinks I should, but at the same time I don't want to. I like working with people and I just don't want to give up. I've given up on everything and never gave anything full attention. I almost gave up on my marriage just because "it got too hard." I know this is something different than my marriage but I just don't want to be that girl anymore. I want to see things through. I don't want to keep quitting. I could give you an entire list of thingsI never finished...

*sigh* I'm just making myself feel worse. There are just a lot of things constantly running through my head that I never share with anyone. I feel lonely and useless a lot, and I know that's no one else's fault but my own.

Great, I killed my own good mood.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

My birhday yesterday was awesome. Justin spoiled me with presents, well, more than he normally does, of course, and packages from both my MIL and mom came in the mail; such perfect timing.

We've spent so much money recently on home improvement things, like plaster and chicken wire for the basement (as it's plastered straight to the mud and just decided to begin to fall apart) and tons of other things for the house. J also bought me a new sewing machine and the first couple of projects will be curtains and pillows/cushions for the Lily's room, and cushions for the couches in both living rooms.

I had an exciting day. I probably would have posted about it much sooner, but I passed out at about 9:30 with Lily since we had been out and about all day. This weekend has been nice and very eventful. We still need to unpack and do tons of shit to the house, but all in due time, I guess.
There are days when I wish I was just a character in a book. Where life could simply be put on pause when you placed a bookmark in its place and that every problem would easily resolve itself in the end. Or at least in the end of the series. A happily ever after, or at least something of that semblance.

I don't know how to really explain it. I just feel so... so... I don't know. Like everything isn't quite falling in to place. Like soggy wet puzzle pieces. All the pieces are there, all look as they fit, but some pieces had been dropped in a puddle and when they dried became expanded and warped to don't fit just right. Something always feels like it's a little off.

I know it's just my mind playing tricks on me again, but it's still frustrating. I know it's there, but I just don't know how to fix it. You'd think after so many years of the same loop playing over and over in your life, you would have figured it out by now. Such is not the case. I know there is something wrong in there, in the back of my mind, that makes me feel this way. I know that being pregnant makes it more prominent and I know that it's a task to try and deal and/or suppress the feelings. And I have to. I'm not a teenager anymore. I have responsibilities that I have to keep a close eye on. One is still growing in my womb, and the other is sitting next to me shoving bologna in her mouth while sticking pencils between her toes.

*sigh* It's just hormones, I bet. I just can't seem to shake this feeling off long enough.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

We are in the house. Been here since Saturday. There is no cable, no internet, and right now, no furniture. I am bored out of my mind. LOL. Hope to be settled in the next few days. I turn 21 this Saturday and we may get a puppy for Lily. I'll cath up with all of you later; feel free to give me a call or send me a TXT. Lily has been a brat since we started moving and has not stopped. I am in the library with her just so she can do something to keep her occupied and me stay in one peice. She can't sleep alone; she's still scared of her new room. I think that's it.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

The closing date on the house has been hop-skip-and-jumping about. It's being finalized tomorrow and we must be out of this apartment by the end of this month. I'm really excited.

School is done this quarter. I'm quite sure I failed. I don't want to go anymore. I'm too tired, and too sick, and I just don't care enough to continue right now.

I have felt so apathetic lately. I'm blaming it on hormones. But I'm either in a melancholy state or apathetic. It really bites. I'm never in a real good mood or happy unless I force it. I hate feeling this way. I keep pushing J away and the baby feels ignored when she wants to play. I do try and overcome it, it's just very difficult.

I want this pregnancy to hurry up and get to the part where I'm feeling better.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

We move into our new house in just a couple of days. Truthfully, I'm freaking out. Not in a bad way, obviously, but the fact that we have our own house...it's a lot to take in.

I know J has tons of plans for all the space we have. I'm going to wait a while before I think of things we can do with it. I know I want to paint the walls, and one thing that is something I know we agreed on was finishing the basement and making it into an adult play room - pool table, dart board, that sort of thing.

I'm just very excited. I hope everyone had a lovely Mother's Day.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Here is the last batch of photos. This is the outside. I only took the front of the house, J took the rest :

And these photos go directly upstairs:

And downward to the basement! :

Anyway, my husband and I bought a new house just yesterday signing the contract. *does a little dance* I took tons of pictures, and I must admit, I'm a very tiny person with a digital camera. I tried to get the size of the rooms (as this house is huge!) but I'm not very good with photography. I guess I should just stick to playing with my kid, huh? Anyway, here's the pictures of the first floor: