Sunday, December 04, 2005

I married a bratty idiot.

The more we argue, the more he acts like a child, and the more I get frustrated, the more I realise that he is not ready. I normally do not speak ill of him, but today, I just can't help it.

J's hearing was Friday morning, shortly before my appointment with the obstetrician, so I called to see what the sentencing was. I was unable to speak to him until after my appointment, however, as my phone seemed to be ringing continuously from several different things. One- I finally talked to the legal office on base to file my compensation under URGENT as it has taken them almost 2 months to even finish signing the papers and, according to my doctor, am due to give birth in about a week. Two- My Medicaid insurance is all kinds of messed up from something to do with my maiden/married name and they are also still showing Tricare as my primary insurance when I have not been insured by them since October. Three- the probation office called just to let me know that J's hearing was that day and that even though they did not have all the information from the judge yet, they had a rough estimate. Long story short, eighteen months probation with six months of Domestic Violence education classes along with anger management, AA, daily phone calls to check about drug tests, monthly probation check-ups, some more things, and a $300 fine.

So, after extensive thought that night, I came to the conclusion that financially and emotionally, my husband is not ready for a family. He believes that even though he's staying with two roommates in a small duplex apartment while sleeping on a couch (and having 18 months of probation), he can fit spouse and infant child in the picture because he has a decent-paying job. That has no logic behind it, and yet he doesn't seem to understand that.

When I was speaking to him last night, I asked if he could come visit sometime during January. Without thought, he said no. I understand the holidays, but why no in January? He said that having to ask permission from two entities (work and probation officer) very rarely would he get a yes from both. I am not in his situation, therefore I did not argue and left it at that. However, to my surprise, he asked why. "To see your daughter before she gets too big." He suddenly asked, "So wait, this means you don't want to be with me?" I was taken aback for a second. I hadn't really thought of it in that way, but in all honesty, it really was. So I said the truth, "at this moment in time, no." He was not the least bit happy. He asked when I was going to tell him, and I said that I had just come to this conclusion last night, and then, much to my chagrin, he hung up the phone like a bratty little child instead of discussing it further.

J doesn't get it. He just doesn't understand. And what saddens me more is the fact that I, the "childish" one, am thinking things much thoroughly than he, and handling our situations more like an adult than he has. I'm the only who is growing up, however slowly it may be, and he's still stuck in the same rut. He doesn't even realise the stupidity that comes out of his mouth or the childish nature he acts toward everything that isn't going his way.

I give up. I was hoping for that "happily-ever after," but I know I'm not going to get it. I am better off staying here with my mother, however pathetic or inadequate I feel, because it is where I am safe, cared for, and am assured that my daughter will never want or need. If my husband cannot see that, then there is no point. It will just be a waste of time and energy that I do not have. I am staying here and that's it. If he doesn't have the capacity of understanding that, then there's nothing I can do and it's his loss.

I'm done.
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