Tuesday, August 02, 2005

've been thinking more than usual lately about all of the desicions that I have to make in the near future. There is just so much that has to be done. Right now I'm just trying to see and do things a little at a time, but it's hard not to have my brain constantly turning things over in my head.

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I'm going to start working soon. I'm not quite sure when, yet for everyone has to move into the new building and I have to go through the interview process. With the job set in place, and now that I have WIC and will soon get Food Stamps, I quite confident that all things will play out as need be. I'm hoping to get enough money to have my own apartment once little Lily/John is born. I don't wnt to keep staying at my mother's house. My family's a bit two-faced and if they help you out they tend to throw it back at you and make you "selfish" if you can't help them, whether it's a legitimate excuse or not. I'm not going to get into that, I've gone off-topic. But even if I have to get section 8 to help with a place to live, I will have one shortly after the baby is born. I've come to the desicion that no matter how much I love J, I can't go back. I'm going to stay here where I'm the happiest. I know I'm home on not the greatest circumstances, but I'm happy at home. This is where I belong and it took me a while to realise that.

If all goes well, I'm going to try and take a few classes. I need to go back to school. If I can't get into the community college, or if I have little time to do so juggling work and a baby, then I'll try online courses instead. I'm going for a BA in English with certifiction so that I may teach, and I've been contemplating getting a degree in Theology. I could also get a non-denominational minsiter's lisecnse. I love both things, so finger's crossed until then.

I also don't know what the future really holds for J and me. I want us to be happy and to raise the family we planned, but I just don't know anymore. There's so much that has happened and so much unhappiness with each other, I'm not sure if it would work anymore. Maybe I've just exhausted myself with thought and I need some more time. This all really needs time.
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