Wednesday, August 17, 2005

After a few sessions in therapy/counseling, I have come to the conclusion that J has had a control problem throughout our relationship and marriage. Mother, form the beginning, told me he did, but I didn't see it. I didn't see it until now.

J always wanted me to be this perfect wife. I wanted to be this perfect wife for him, not because I felt I had to change, but because I wanted to make him happy. The problem was that I am not this perfect wife. I'm just the perfect me. With all my dysfunctions and problems, my flaws, faults, and issues; to be the perfect wife I would have to block out my eccentric personality to a point where I just couldn't be myself. During one of our arguments, J complained about how his friends could easily "figure me out" and that it embarrassed him. It embarrassed him that people who barely knew me time span-wise, knew me personality-wise. They had pinpointed what made me tick and how I reacted to things. He then asked me why I was so un-phased by it, how I could just sit there and not care. Simple, I have nothing to hide from anyone. Yet he was embarrassed by that, as if my personality was something to be ashamed of.

Another thing that irked me was back in March when I had asked him if it was okay if I joined a Pagan-based folk-like band. I had talked to the head of the group and we were both looking forward to meeting each other and possibly forming a good bond. I was looking forward to also finally having something to do and people to talk to. J said no. His reason, that I would then get involved into the group and not have the initiative to get a job or do anything else with my life. I was very upset about this. I felt that he had little faith in me. But recently while I was pondering upon this, I came to terms with the fact that J knows me. He knows how I am. I'm very articulate and outgoing. I make friends easily and can multitask quite efficiently. I'm a Gemini, it's in my nature. He knew this. SO I began reflecting on this and came to the deduction that his main reason was that he thought I would get so involved with these people that he wouldn't get any attention.

He wanted me for himself. As flattering as it was, when you see it through a different perspective, it's a bit unnerving. He wanted me to be solely dependant on him, to be happy with just his company. I always wondered why he was so unhappy that I sometimes just wanted someone else to talk to. I love my husband, yes, but sometimes, you just can't sit in a place twenty four hours a day and only be able to interact physically and mentally with just one person. He would say I have all these friends; true, but all my friends, everyone whom I had a relationship with, were all back home in Texas or in different states and even countries. He could get calls from someone to come over and just hang out. What did I get? A call from someone, yes, but asking how I was. That's as far as the interaction could go. I couldn't go to a friend's house.

He'd take me to his friend's houses, yes, but most of the time I felt awkward and out of place there. I didn't know these people like he did. They weren't my friends, they were his. It's nice that he wanted to share them, but it just wasn't the same. The people knew J in a different way than I did, and vice versa. I don't think he realised that, and if he did, he surely didn't understand it.

Another thing I've come to conclude is that he hasn't completely come to accordance to what he did. I understand I am difficult and manipulative. I learned how to be so at a young age, but as much as he wants to blame his actions upon me, he chose to react the way he did. He feels that abuse is abuse no matter what label you put on it. I understand that, and agree to some degree, but I do believe that physical abuse and emotional abuse are two separate forms. You can be internally, emotionally, mentally scarred for life with things said to you, but you can die from things done to you. I may have been cruel and mean, which I still don't know how I have been, but I'll accept that I have, but he could have easily lived through that with only his ego hurt. Yet on the other hand, I could have died and he would have been none the wiser. The only way emotional abuse can kill you is if you let it consume you and you go and kill yourself. He also believes that I want him in jail out of spite and anger. Imbecile. He committed a crime, and he has yet to understand that.

Frankly, I wash my hands of this.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"


I have come to the realisation that I will never be happy. I'm not writing this out of self-pity or self-sympathy, but out of truth. I will always be miserable because I will never be happy. As much as I hate to admit it, and as much as I tried to run from it, I am my mother. I am stubborn, bitter, scorned, and will never be satisfied. And as much as I can love and be loved I will never be able to be happy and to make anyone else happy. All in all, I have screwed my own self over, but at least I won't lie to myself anymore.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

've been thinking more than usual lately about all of the desicions that I have to make in the near future. There is just so much that has to be done. Right now I'm just trying to see and do things a little at a time, but it's hard not to have my brain constantly turning things over in my head.


I'm going to start working soon. I'm not quite sure when, yet for everyone has to move into the new building and I have to go through the interview process. With the job set in place, and now that I have WIC and will soon get Food Stamps, I quite confident that all things will play out as need be. I'm hoping to get enough money to have my own apartment once little Lily/John is born. I don't wnt to keep staying at my mother's house. My family's a bit two-faced and if they help you out they tend to throw it back at you and make you "selfish" if you can't help them, whether it's a legitimate excuse or not. I'm not going to get into that, I've gone off-topic. But even if I have to get section 8 to help with a place to live, I will have one shortly after the baby is born. I've come to the desicion that no matter how much I love J, I can't go back. I'm going to stay here where I'm the happiest. I know I'm home on not the greatest circumstances, but I'm happy at home. This is where I belong and it took me a while to realise that.

If all goes well, I'm going to try and take a few classes. I need to go back to school. If I can't get into the community college, or if I have little time to do so juggling work and a baby, then I'll try online courses instead. I'm going for a BA in English with certifiction so that I may teach, and I've been contemplating getting a degree in Theology. I could also get a non-denominational minsiter's lisecnse. I love both things, so finger's crossed until then.

I also don't know what the future really holds for J and me. I want us to be happy and to raise the family we planned, but I just don't know anymore. There's so much that has happened and so much unhappiness with each other, I'm not sure if it would work anymore. Maybe I've just exhausted myself with thought and I need some more time. This all really needs time.