Friday, September 18, 2009

Invisible Illness Week

Stole this survey from Persues (lj user: alabastard)

1. The illnesses I live with are: Bipolar Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: I have a history of psychological diagnoses. It was clinical depression when I was 13 (2000), which then worsened and upgraded to Bipolar when I was 19 (2005). I had anorexia and bulemia diagnosed as Eating Disorder Unspecified or EDNOS when I was 14 (2001) and am have just recently have it under control. It was later diagnosed as Body Dysmorphic Disorder when I was 21 (2007) as my dislike for my body triggered my ED.

3. But I had symptoms since: I was around 9/10 when my being sexually abused began

4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: awareness of the feelings of others and the care needed for my husband and children as well as myself to keep the care ongoing

5. Most people assume: I'm delusional, self-asbsorbed, hypochondriac

6. The hardest part about mornings is: getting out of bed and focusing on what needs to be done.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: I do not watch medical TV shows

8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: My cell phone.

9. The hardest part about nights is: getting to sleep.

10. Each day I take [?] pills & vitamins. I no longer take prescribed medication for my depression.

11. Regarding alternative treatments, I: rely on physical activity (mowing the lawn, chasing the kids), herbal remedies (st. john's wort), and spiritual study and growth.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose:
Invisible. I do not want someone to look at me and feel pity.

13. Regarding working and career: If not controlled has caused problems in my "follow-through" and activity.

14. People would be surprised to know: -

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is: Just trying to cope on a regular basis and slowly reprogramming self. People believe just because I have a bunch of good things going for me that my brain is happy. It's not. It has nothing to do with my surroundings anymore. It's triggered by random flashbacks and mental-wiring.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness was: love a sexual partner.

17. The commercials about my illness: -

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed: Trusting whole-heartedly; wearing whatever the hell I wanted without feeling the need to feel adored or being self-conscious that someone might see my back-fat rolls.

19. It was really hard to give up: -

20. A new hobby I've taken up since my diagnosis is: reading anything and everything about religions. learning new languages.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would: Define normal.

22. My illness has taught me: that the entire world is based on perception. and unfortunately that perception was sanctioned by idiots.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say (about my illness) that
gets under my skin is: That's it's imaginary.

24. But I love it when people: Give me the benefit of the doubt.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times
is: I don't have actual words. My husband and a few close friends have helped me through my hardest emotional times. My husband helped me feel comfortable with myself. I have relapses with dysmorphia, but I'm no longer keen to hurt myself when it hits. With depression, he's always willing to hold me if necessary.

26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them: Keep trying to move forward. You are not your illness.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: that you can truly fight it in a way where it doesn't affect your loved ones in a negative way.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: just listen and cuddle me.

29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Awareness, awareness, awareness.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: amused. That's a lot of shit to read. LOL

Monday, September 07, 2009

Fond of Food

My hormones are still out of whack. It's been almost six weeks since I had the baby. I have been feeling like utter shit recently, emotionally. I know it's because my body is trying to get back to where it used to be before being pregnant, and frankly I don't think my body knows where it used to be. It's gone through so many changes chemically, naturally and synthetically, within the past 5 years that I think it's confused. I've been depressed on and off, but I'm coping. It hasn't gotten terrible, but I have made an appointment with my therapist for next month just in case.

I've been busy making changes in my life, both physical and psychological. I finally have Rose on a schedule, so I can manage my sleep better. My hair was getting on my last damn nerve so I shaved it off. Right now I'm working on focusing on the positive and potty-training Iris. No easy feat on both accounts. Another thing I have to focus on is my eating habits. I know I'm supposed to eat more for calorie intake since I breastfeed, but I don't think I'm actually supposed to be eating twice as much as normal like I'm doing now. If I'm not careful I'm going to eat myself sick and overweight so I've been carrying the baby around in the baby carrier for exercise. Walking around with a ten-pound baby and chasing Lily and Iris around really does help burn some of that extra off.

I'm planning on going back to school next year. J already started his new school year last Monday. I'm really proud of him. I'm planning on majoring in as many foreign languages as I can and in the long run have a career as a linguist of some sort. I'd like to be able to make the kind of money to take care of my family and not depend on others. Granted, welfare is great, and we pay taxes so techinically we're just getting our money back, but at the same time I'd like to not worry about my husband worrying about if we have enough money to pay the water and trash bill after paying the mortgage.

I'm not braining good; I think I'm too tired or something. My house is a mess, I'm going to clean something. (But at least the kitchen is clean!)