Monday, November 14, 2005

Things have changed in the past few months.

I've begun teaching Sunday school at my mother's church. It's going well and they like how we interact. I'm still in the teenage-state of mind, so it's a lot easier for me to understand what they say and for me to explain things to them. I'm really enjoying it. True, it's Christianity, and I'm as far from Christian as possible right now, but it's a learning experience. I'm trying to teach them to be open-minded. It makes life a lot easier for me, anyway.

Lily is due in a month. I'm very apprehensive. So many emotions keep running through my body and I am left feeling numb at the end of the day. Along with Mary Kay, I've started babysitting friends' children to earn some quick cash here and there. It's helping out a bit. I can do my little errands when I need to. I'm still scared, though. It’s very difficult sometimes. I keep trying to convince myself that everything will be okay, but the main people from whom I want the most support from have very little faith in me; it's makes it that much harder.

J and I have discussed a few things. I don't think I remember most of it. I have the tendency that if it's not written down, I will forget. But I do remember a few things. I don't think he understands pregnancy as much as he would like to believe. I told him Lily had hiccups and he actually said "I doubt it," because he thought it wasn't possible. I wonder if he realises he's not a pregnant female nor does he have a now weekly appointment with an obstetrician to check on fetal progress. I think I know a little bit more about our child than he. But I'm getting sidetracked.

There are times when I wish things were different. I've forgiven J to some extent. I will give him a chance. He is my husband and the father of my child, and he has shown progress on trying to find the right path in life. I, too, am trying to better myself as a human being. I haven't been able to continue my counseling sessions, as my insurance has run out and I must fix that later on this morning. However, even though I feel that I have forgiven him for the way he reacted and treated things, it's still a difficult process to try and put aside sometimes. I don't know if I'll ever truly get over it. My mother swears that he will always beat me out of anger, that he will always drink, and that he will always screw up our (he and my) lives. Then again, my mother, and the rest of the family for that matter, has never been truly supportive. Frankly, I think both my and his parents need to quit meddling because all they are doing is making matters worse. I'm truly exhausted from all this nonsense.

J wants to start anew somewhere else, somewhere fresh. I want to stay here. Not because I don't want the same, but because I am not yet ready. I have many things to work out that need time and whether he likes it or not, I refuse to budge. It's not that his feelings are irrelevant to me, but if he wants a decent marriage, he needs to realise that if I'm not ready, if either of us is not ready, the marriage will fall apart all over again, and this time, I'm not willing to go through that scenario again. I have a pregnancy that I will soon finish and an infant that I must soon take care of. Peace and tranquility is my main foundation to be able to function.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I will not be able to pursue what I had once planned. I do not have the money, nor the transportation and materials to do so. I do see, however, that this is for the best. I was given this problem for a reason, and I believe it was to see that I need time to take care of my newborn first, before I make drastic changes and plans for the future.

Carrying Lily for these past eight and a half months has been a God send. I prayed to Gaia for a month so that I could carry a child, and she granted me my wish. I then prayed that I had a healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy, and that labor and delivery would run smoothly and would be as unstressful as possible. I'm soon approaching the time for Lily's birth and all has gone as well as I had hoped. My spirituality has reached one of its highest moments, and I'm thankful for that. It has kept me sane for the most part, and I feel that I can tackle just about any obstacle that is put in my way. I may be a bit fearful with each new task of life, but I will soon overcome.
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