So I've come to the conclusion of getting a divorce. It just came to me. At first I thought that there was no real logic behind it, just an excuse to get out of the situation, but in all honesty, I don't want to be with J. I love him, yes. No matter what he thinks or says about me, I will always love him. But love is not enough. I don't trust him. I don't like him. I don't think I will ever forgive him for what he's done.
I have not forgiven my stepdad for sexually and physically abusing me, and he's been dead for five years. I have not forgiven my father for making me feel like I wasn't loved, even though he's aware of it and has asked for forgiveness. So what would make me forgive my husband for strangling me and jeapordising the life of my child and I? Nothing. I'd be unhappy.
So forgive me if I'm being selfish by thinking of myself, but with all these negative feelings toward a person, what is the point of staying married. I know J wanted us to try and save our marriage. But even he says that I am a bad person for one reason or another and the only reason he hasn't bailed out is because he loves me. I just don't understand the logic behind that.
Throughout this whole situation I've rarely spoken ill of him. Most people think I'm crazy for even wanting to talk to him, but I just didn't have it in my heart to make him out to be a bad person. He's just a guy who's made mistakes. But he continues to twist my words around, leaving me incapable of explaining my feelings. I'm overwhelmed as is with Lily on the way. I wasn't ready to be married. And I still am not. I'm not trying to make him the bad guy, but I'm not the bad guy either. Am I wrong for wanting to be happy even if it means leaving my husband behind? I never said he was wrong for wanting his family back. Not once did I say he was wrong for feeling the way he did, he just assumed that's what I thought.
I can't keep doing this. I don't know if it's my fault or his, but we're running around in circles and getting nowhere fast. I think this is the best thing, no matter how much it hurts.
The more we argue, the more he acts like a child, and the more I get frustrated, the more I realise that he is not ready. I normally do not speak ill of him, but today, I just can't help it.
J's hearing was Friday morning, shortly before my appointment with the obstetrician, so I called to see what the sentencing was. I was unable to speak to him until after my appointment, however, as my phone seemed to be ringing continuously from several different things. One- I finally talked to the legal office on base to file my compensation under URGENT as it has taken them almost 2 months to even finish signing the papers and, according to my doctor, am due to give birth in about a week. Two- My Medicaid insurance is all kinds of messed up from something to do with my maiden/married name and they are also still showing Tricare as my primary insurance when I have not been insured by them since October. Three- the probation office called just to let me know that J's hearing was that day and that even though they did not have all the information from the judge yet, they had a rough estimate. Long story short, eighteen months probation with six months of Domestic Violence education classes along with anger management, AA, daily phone calls to check about drug tests, monthly probation check-ups, some more things, and a $300 fine.
So, after extensive thought that night, I came to the conclusion that financially and emotionally, my husband is not ready for a family. He believes that even though he's staying with two roommates in a small duplex apartment while sleeping on a couch (and having 18 months of probation), he can fit spouse and infant child in the picture because he has a decent-paying job. That has no logic behind it, and yet he doesn't seem to understand that.
When I was speaking to him last night, I asked if he could come visit sometime during January. Without thought, he said no. I understand the holidays, but why no in January? He said that having to ask permission from two entities (work and probation officer) very rarely would he get a yes from both. I am not in his situation, therefore I did not argue and left it at that. However, to my surprise, he asked why. "To see your daughter before she gets too big." He suddenly asked, "So wait, this means you don't want to be with me?" I was taken aback for a second. I hadn't really thought of it in that way, but in all honesty, it really was. So I said the truth, "at this moment in time, no." He was not the least bit happy. He asked when I was going to tell him, and I said that I had just come to this conclusion last night, and then, much to my chagrin, he hung up the phone like a bratty little child instead of discussing it further.
J doesn't get it. He just doesn't understand. And what saddens me more is the fact that I, the "childish" one, am thinking things much thoroughly than he, and handling our situations more like an adult than he has. I'm the only who is growing up, however slowly it may be, and he's still stuck in the same rut. He doesn't even realise the stupidity that comes out of his mouth or the childish nature he acts toward everything that isn't going his way.
I give up. I was hoping for that "happily-ever after," but I know I'm not going to get it. I am better off staying here with my mother, however pathetic or inadequate I feel, because it is where I am safe, cared for, and am assured that my daughter will never want or need. If my husband cannot see that, then there is no point. It will just be a waste of time and energy that I do not have. I am staying here and that's it. If he doesn't have the capacity of understanding that, then there's nothing I can do and it's his loss.