Monday, March 21, 2011


I've been very down the last couple of days. After paying most of my debt, I guess it released a bunch of pent-up stress that I spent the whole night crying. Yesterday, I was so depressed I was immobile. I let the girls watch a bunch of TV (which I normally would not do since I want them to use their minds to tell stories not have someone tell it to them.) and just lay on the floor staring at the ceiling. I canceled my archery lesson and tried, for most of the day, not to burst into tears.

Trying to stay positive is ioncredibly draining. I wish things would get easier now. This waiting game is stressing me out!

Saturday, March 19, 2011


Read the title of this post as if you were Charlie Sheen.

I seriously feel like a large weight has just lifted off my shoulders. Our tax return came through on Friday, so today, I paid the debt collectors online, IN FULL. All $3,336 that I owed them has been paid and now I only have to worry about the 1,000 that has yet to be paid to the hospitals from this year. Part of what I needed to do to join the military was to pay off old debt. My recruiter said that in this economy, we are all bound to have debt, but if I had too much that spanned for quite some time (in my case, five years), then it would be a problem. I need my credit to not look like someone took a financial chain saw to it. So, I'll be calling the hospitals this Monday and asking them if they have a payment plan option (which they do) at a discount for broke peoples (like me).

Things bought:
J bought us a new stationary bike. It's foldable and lightweight, so we'd be able to tote it around the house. A new desk was bought for Rose, who keeps stealing one of her sisters' desks. It's like musical chairs when it's time to sit down, except one child is usually screaming because she has to sit on the floor.

Things going to buy:
I bought a bunk bed frame for cheap off of the classifieds in the paper not too long ago and need a twin mattress for it. Lily is has grown out of the toddler bed and Rose has been using Lily's toddler bed during nap time. Rose has been wanting to stay out of her crib for the past four months now. The great thing about the frame is that I can just set up half of it instead of the whole thing. If things don't pan out the way we hope with me in the USAF, then we'd move in with my MIL. She already has 2 twin mattresses. We don't want to bring in two more just to shove them in storage. Also, I don't trust Iris and Lily in bunk beds JUST yet; I'll wait until Iris is about 5.

If we have money for it, J and I will also be getting new tattoos. I've been waiting for this for YEARS, but we just never had the funds for it. I hope to add BOTH irises and roses to my bouquet of lilies, but just the irises can do for now if we can't spend too much. The lilies are already in white, so I'll probably do the same with these.

The rest of the money is staying to use as mortgage payments until I a. am a soldier or b. file for bankruptcy. But I'm positive that all of this will pan out. <3

Wednesday, March 09, 2011


I feel so very old. In less than three months I'll be 25 years old and I feel like I've seen more than my years should allow.

I am so tired. So very tired of this life that I have been living. I'm broke beyond belief. I wish I could say it was due to frivoulous spending, that all my money got me high and fancy things, but all my money went to bills and keeping us stable. J still hasn't found work, no matter how hard he tries. He was denied an extension on his unemployment. His unemployment was what was paying the mortgage.
So many debt collectors keep calling me. I've stopped answering my phone. So many of my *stupid* friends keep calling me over their petty drama. I don't answer the phone for them either. I just don't care. I have more SERIOUS shit to worry about. The impending bankruptcy and homelessness my family will face in a few months if I'm not accepted into the military is a little more important than what your S.O. did or did not do. Oh, boo-hoo, he's hurt your feelings. Again. For the umpteenth time...for the past FIVE YEARS. I just don't care. Now, don't get me wrong, I do care about my friends. You can come to me for advice, but if I give you my advice, you either take it or leave it, not ignore it completely and keep asking me for the same damn advice over the same damn situation. I WILL stop answering. The first time, I'll happily give you my advice. The second time, I'll remind you. The third time, I will be annoyed and give you nothing. The fourth, fifth, and sixth time, fuck you. I have more important things to worry about. After a couple of weeks of me not taking your calls, I'll calm down and reconsider.
LIFE SUCKS RIGHT NOW. I'm failing my current class. I don't know how we'll pay the mortgage these next few months. I love my moms, but I DO NOT want to have to resort to that. I LIKE being able to say that I have my own mortgage and own my own car and can take care of my kids and my husband is awesome and that I don't depend on my parents to bail me out every month. I pride myself in being in my mid-twenties and being independent. Is this punishment for that pride? Is this a test for my humility? Must I humble myself and seek my faith within to better deal with life? Have I gotten too lazy and comfortable, bloated and swollen from gorging the comforts of life? I hate working my ass off and having everything taken away.
On a lighter side, in the past month and a half that I have been going to the gym, I lost 4 pounds. I'll learn more about what else I lost next week when we do our monthly measurements. I'm hoping the reason that I have only lost a few pounds is because I lost more in body fat and gained a bit of muscle. I even quit smoking and drinking to better my lifestyle. Fingers crossed.
Now to drown this depression with awesomeness. I'm going to read a book.