Friday, January 21, 2011


So I went to the recruiter. Right now, joining the military is a no-go. One thing they look at in the medical records is whether or not one has been through phsyciatric therapy for whatever reason. One has to NOT be in therapy for at LEAST 6 months. I went on Tuesday. *sigh* I understand why this has to be. With so many soldiers going out to war, they have to make sure that they are sending out kids who aren't going to immediately end up with PTSD. The fact that I haven't been on medication for over two years though is a plus! :) Six months. That's how much time I have.

I'm keeping positive with this. This is something I really want and am willing to work hard for. In these next 6 months I'll be making sure I have done everything in my power to get this. We will be saving up as much as we can and paying off any debts we have. (I have a couple grand in medical bills and classes to pay for.) I will continue with my education, so that I can show them I am dedicated and advance in rank. (I already have more than the 20 credits they require for the advancement.) I will exercise daily, upping my daily challenge on DDR, so that I can be in shape for BMT (basic military training). I want good credit, awesome credit hours, and stamina to make this work. The counseling will continue, but off-record.

My bestie, Mary, has her BS in Psychology. She is working on her MS in that area as well and is prepping herself to become a life-coach. I have offered to be her guinea pig. :) It's a win-win situation if you ask me. I get regular counseling (for FREE and off-record) and she gets experience in her desired field.

I'm pumped. I'm super jazzed. Now that I have a goal in mind, I don't feel depressed as much. I think the reason why I was so down was because I felt that my life had no meaning. I was wandering around aimlessly for a WHILE, just hoping, praying, things would work out without any real plan. Now that I have made a light at the end of this tunnel, I can work toward attaining it. I've been actively working on through my crisis plan and currently feel awesome.

I was super bummed yesterday. I let my recruiter know that I had only been going to therapy as a maintenance procedure. I let him be aware that I was molested as a child and damn near killed by my husband as an adult. I wasn't a naturally damaged person, I was just damaged because of the cards I was dealt. It wasn't fair that the actions of others held me back from living a normal mental health. He was sympathetic, but helpful. I know what I have to do. I'm ready. I'm doing this.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


I started a little meme on Facebook about random facts about oneself. Here are my random facts, just to have as a list if ever anyone decided to ask.

Fact #18: My stepdad was an asshole (abusive) and my bio-dad was never there. The only parent in my life has been my mom, and though she drives me crazy, I still think she's awesome.

Fact #17: I haven't dyed my hair in 5 years.

Fact #16: I am jack of all trades, and master of none. Any skill I have acquired over the years is mediocre at best. I got skills, though. Mad skills.

Fact #15: My husband dresses me. He and my mom buy my clothes. If I dressed myself, I'd resemble an acid trip or something out of an 80s music video.

Fact #14: I am shy when I *first* meet people.

Fact #13: I have an oral fixation that I have been taming with cigarettes since I was 13. Before then, I chewed on everything.

Fact #12: I have a fascination with breasts. No matter what size or shape they are I.must.touch.them. I grope myself frequently because of this.

Fact #11: I must stay active even when being "still." I jiggle my legs when I sit; I sway when I stand

fact #10: I must be standing to cut something. Teachers constantly asked me if I wanted to sit down when doing arts and crafts because I had to do everything standing up.

Fact #9: In my child and teen years I read adult fiction. In my adult years, I read teen fiction. :)

Fact #8: If I buy a book from a series, every book in that series must have the same style binding, i.e. all paperback. In my shelves Harry Potter and House of Night is all paperback, while all of Twilight is hardback.

Fact #7: In my 24yrs of life, I've tried to commit suicide twice (once when I was 12, the other when I was 18) and failed both times because I didn't do it right.

Fact #6: I have electronic fail. I've broken almost every computer we have ever owned.

Fact #5: I had a sticker collection between ages 9 and 13 that ended with over 4000 stickers.

Fact #4: I can only eat an even number of anything, such as 2 m&m's or 6 marshmallows, etc.

Fact #3: My bestie, Andy, calls me "oak bark" due to one night looking through Scentsy products and talking about the colors of vaginas.

Fact #2: English, my primary language, is actually my 2nd language.

Fact #1: I think clowns are scary. I really, really, really, REALLY don't like clowns.

Stuff And Things

I have a set date to talk to a recruiter. I will head out to the Air Force recruiter, or at least one of them, in Omaha on Thursday at 1:30. I plan on taking my ASVAB some time next week. I'm really psyched about this. I remember how much fun I had in JROTC. Granted, I know it wasn't hard-core or anything, but I was loving every minute of it. Also, I am hot in a uniform. ;)

I went to a new psychologist today and we made a crisis plan. I really don't think I need it, but I was honest with her on how I feel. It would be nice to just continue for now just so that I can vent to an unbiased flesh-and-blood person. I love writing here, but it's never enough. She at least understood, kind of, my need for not wanting meds. I really, really, REALLY hate being on medication. My next appointment with her is next Tuesday.

I need to get in shape, at least in some sort of shape that is not LAZY. I know ROUND is a shape, but not the shape I need, so I pulled out the DDR mat and played it for 15 minutes on the free workout mode. I set my goal for 150 and burned 172 cals for tonight. I'm setting my goal for 250 tomorrow.

I'm pumped. I haven't felt this good in a while. One thing on my crisis plan was to try scheduling time for every activity. Since I'm currently avoiding calls for work due to my bronchitis, I need to plan my days first thing. Maybe I'll just do it in a minute. I really need to get my life in order. One thing at a time, though.

One step at a time...

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I passed my last class. I don't know how, but I did. Barely. I have a D, but that's better than nothing. It means I now have 27 credits under my belt. It means that when I join the military, I have the chance of advancing in rank faster. I wish I already had a degree so that I could join as an officer and become clergy.

I feel ill today. Jittery. I feel like I'm running on a caffeine high. I'm exhausted, though. I stayed up until 2 in the morning with my youngest, who is sick and miserable, so I cuddled with her until she relaxed enough to fall back to sleep. My heart is racing and I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Things to do today. Life changing things. I have an appointment with a new psychologist today as well as going to see a recruiter. I'm thinking of buying my husband an anniversary gift while I'm out. Our 6yr is in a week and I have nothing.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Rebuild Me

I'm fidgety.
I can't concentrate.
I want to escape,
to leave,
to go somewhere else
with no one to bother me.
I have been very depressed the past few weeks.
To be honest,
I've been depressed for the past few months.
I can't stand my husband.
I want nothing to do with my children.
I hate this house.
I've been avoiding calls to work.
I've not been doing my homework.
My apathy toward everything is beginning to get to me.
I don't care whether I graduate or not.
I don't care if my children or husband love me.
I dare care about the dog
or all of our damned cats.
I just want to sleep.
I am so done with this life.
The main reason for wanting to join the military,
the only reason I tell anyone who asks,
is because my family needs the money,
needs the benefits.
The other reason,
the reason that I have only mentioned to a close friend,
and am now mentioning to you,
is that I feel empty.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of this life
and so very tired of these feelings.
I want something else.
I want to prove myself.
I want to be a new me,
someone that I don't hate so much.
I abhor the person that I've become.
I hate how she despises being around those she loves.
I hate how she doesn't care about what she looks like,
an overweight mess.
I hate it.
I'm already a week behind in school work,
yet I just don't care.
I just want to be broken down,
Have my entire being,
what I've become,
taken away.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Last Resort

Next Thursday it will 7 months since my husband was laid off. We are struggling and it is becoming frustating. I am depressed. I have pushed away from my family, prefering being on the computer where no real interaction has to occur, keeping my distance from my husband and my children. I have very little skills. The skills I do have are not enough to get me a job that pays more than minimum wage. I have three small children, a mortgage, and a car loan to pay off. My husband and I are both going to school, and even though the girls have state medical insurance and we are on Food Stamps and WIC, my husband and I do not have medical insurance. I currently have bronchitis. I feel like shit and it hurts to breathe. I'm sick of not being able to buy what I need, making sacrifices so that my children don't notice the rammifications of their father being unemployed and their mother not being able to make enough to take care of them.

I'm at a crossroads. I've decided to lose some weight (just a few pounds, I'm not past the limit) and get better. I can't live like this anymore; WE can't live like this anymore. We are in so much debt, not because we have been frivoulous, on the contrary, we are extremely frugal, but because we are young, with children, and have many bills to pay. My husband has excellent skills, and yet he still can't get a job. He can't go back into the military because he was kicked out. The idea of the military was the last resort, and that's where I come in. I'm, for the most part, healthy. I can join. I wish to be a part of something that my children can look up to me for. I'm horribly useless in this house in this state. We need the money, we need the benefits, and J would be able to stay home with the children just like he always wanted and I get to take care of them financially just like I always wanted. It's a win-win in my head. Am I delusional?

If I am able to join, I'm not sure, due to the constant popping of my knees and the fact that I'm FAT ;), I hope to become clergy. I love the idea of it, and technically am through the Hosannah Bible Institute, but I would like to help people in a spiritual sense. (I suck at helping with anything else.) I'm actually pretty jazzed about the idea. I'd miss my family terribly for two whole months, but I'd get in shape and get paid and be able to take care of my family, which is extremely important to me. I have my fingers crossed. I'll be calling a recruiter Tuesday.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I don't know if I passed my last class. Good lord, I really hope I did.
First off, let me remind you that I am currently both and English AND History major. After failing my European History class, I decided to put that in the back seat and focus more on literature and writing...two of my favorite pasttimes.

My intro to lit class started yesterday. I don't know what to think about it yet. It's already been a pain in the ass for me for, though the learning materials for the class were free, they are only available on the campus website. I had to download the book BY CHAPTERS, which was incredibly annoying. I hate that I have to read it on the laptop. I would print it out, but that is a LOT of paper and I don't want to waste perfectly good ink and paper on something I am only going to use for this class.

My teacher has requested that we all keep a journal for this class to write down our thoughts of the topics of this class. I've decided to just type everything here and whenever she needs it, I can always link it or copy+paste.

IT'S FUCKING COLD HERE. The weather was so terrible on the IA/NE border that I have been staying at my friend Mary's house since Saturday. It's been good times. The whole family is here.

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Goals for 2011

I hope to wish everyone a very happy and prosperous new year.
Below are my goals for this new year. This list is incomplete; I wish to add to it when I have more time.
  • lose 20lbs by June (short term)
  • lose 40lbs by December (long term)
  • I currently weigh 140-145lbs, so I think the span of time of losing it all to get down to a reasonable BMI is, well, reasonable. I am only 5ft tall and being this big and unhealthy is causing me a lot of health issues and pain.
  • grow out hair
  • I have not had my hair go past my shoulders since I was 16 years old. I chopped it off into a cute layered bob then and never went back. The longest it's been was to my shoulders, with the shortest being a shaved head. I would like it to be as long and as curly as it was when I was 13 and 14 years old.
  • continue spiritual journey
  • I post-poned my year and a day training due to the holidays and will pick it back up when I've resettled in my home.
  • pass all classes
  • I've been struggling, but I know I can do this. I WANT my college degree.
  • talk to family more, specifically Dad and David (brother)
  • I talk to my dad once in a blue moon, and my brother even less. David is broke, has no internet, no phone, and a wife and child to take care of. I understand his stresses and wish we would communicate more. For 13 years of my life I only knew of him, I don't want that to happen to my children. I want them to know their uncle. Maybe one day we could go to Puerto Rico and visit my side of the family.
  • clean the entirity of house
  • My gods, my house is a WRECK.
  • create sacred space in craft room
  • The craft room is even worse. I would like to have a place where I can worship without being interrupted. I would like to share this area with others as well. I hope to one day create my own spiritual group. Not really a church or coven, but a circle of like-minded friends who can worship together in a space specifically created for that purpose.
  • organize and purge
  • Have I mentioned my house is a wreck?
  • get truck fixed
  • It's been broken for 2 years. My neighbor has been helping out on this.
  • spend more time with children
  • I've been ignoring them lately. I love them to death by they raise my blood pressure and give me such a headache......regardless, I am their mother and need to be a better one.
  • do more crafts
  • do a craft fair
  • Mostly so I can make a little money on the side
  • get more tattoos
  • I have a tattoo dedicated to myself (tinker bell--yes, that is TWO words), one to my husband (butterfly), and another, lilies, to my oldest. I would like to add more; roses for Rose, irises for Iris, and a triquetra for my spirituality.
  • learn French
  • I would like to get past colors, numbers, days of the week, months, and seasons. I think my five-year-old knows more French than I do.
  • Reduce debt by at least 20%
  • I wish I could reduce debt by at least 100%. Seriously.