Friday, May 20, 2011

Dancing 'Til The World Ends

  • Everyone is ok from the accident. Juanita got the brunt of the force, so she is banged up pretty bad. Both she and my sister, however, had no broken bones or anything, and though are both excruciatingly sore from the incident, will be fine in a couple weeks.
  • My mom's kitchen is covered by insurance. They'll be remodeling it soon.
  • J paid my school last night so my holds were removed. I start my newest class, Sociology 101, on Tuesday.
  • I got on the elliptical today. I'm in a good mood. "Endorphines make you happy. Happy people don't just shoot their husbands."

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Humidity 100%

You'd think a vacation would be just that--a vacation. It has been anything but.

I'm seriously stressed out right now. My anxiety is so high, I feel like I'm doped up on caffeine and ready to pass out. My heart is reacing, my hands are shaking, I have the jitters so bad my eyes can't focus even with my glasses on, and if I lay down, my body starts to shiver. I'm on the verge of tears every 5 seconds.

I guess I should explain. Everything was perfectly fine when we got here. No problems at all. Until J and I started discussing my science class, that I am failing, and gave up on, and the amount of money I owe the school. Of course if this doesn't get paid, I do not get my VA education benefits that are paying our bills. At the same time, we just don't have 1k to spend on school. I don't owe this money because I failed my class. This is just what I owe after a year at the school. J, however, still blames me. No matter how hard I try and explain ANYTHING to him, I'm an asshole and it's all my fault.

My sister accidently caught my mom's kitchen on fire. I cut my hand yesterday, trying to clean the bits of glass off of the stove that exploded from the microwave. To top that off, my sister, and my friend, Juanita, were in a car wreck last night and are both in the hospital. I was up until 2 or 3 in the morning on the phone with everyone since I couldn't go anywhere. With my anxiety the way it is, I can't operate heavy machinery, and J and his mom had been drinking, so they couldn't take me.

I am so tired of life. No matter where I go, it seems like life just keeps shitting on my parade. It's not even raining, it is just flinging poo from the sidelines.

Just keeping my family in prayer. That's all I can do now.

Saturday, May 07, 2011

Happy Mother's Day to Me.

I know it's early, by a couple of hours, really, but I'm determined to have a good day. I have been so down and irritable lately, I NEED to get my ass in gear. Tomorrow will be a productive day, and I WILL spend it with my children, all three of my incredibly wonderful children.

If you don't already know, I have three daughters.

Lily Anna was born 12/26/05 at 11:52 PM, eight days after her due date, after 17 hours in the hospital, and an emergency cesarean because she entangled herself in her cord. She was 21 in.; 7 lbs., 11 oz. and had so much hair, I could put bows in it the day she was born. She is currently 5-and-a-half-years-old and is amazingly brilliant. She self-taught herself how to eat with a spoon, potty-training, and tying her shoes. Her favorite colors are green and pink. She loves to sing to the radio, pray, and pretend she is a princess. She is incredibly tall, at 3.5 feet, scrawny at 42 lbs., but wearing 6/7 sized clothing and a whopping size 13 shoe. She likes to read her Magic School Bus books to her little sisters and is a big help around the house. Her current favorite hobby is loom-knitting. She is my sensitive child in the sense that she is constantly seeking approval. She is my social butterfly and seems dependent on what others think about her.

Iris Marie was born 10/26/07 at 8:37pm, five days after her due date, after 26 hours of labor in the hospital, via cesarean for lack of progress. She was 20 in; 7 lbs, 9 oz, and also had a good head of hair, just not as thick as her older sister's. She is currently 3-and-a-half-years-old, , and even though she has surprised us multiple times with how bright she is, she doesn't have a care in the world. If the world were on fire around her, she'd be the one sitting in a corner entertaining herself while everything around her was in chaos. She is incredibly quiet, being shy and speaking softly. She seems to naturally chose 'speak softly and carry a big stick' as a personal motto. Her favorite colors are purple and brown. She loves music, dirt, picking flowers, and wishes she was a boy. She is 36 lbs, and exactly 3' tall, with her dainty size 8 shoe. She is my emotional child. Though not really sensitive in the sense of dependency, her emotions range on the extreme. When she is happy, she is very happy; when sad, she is very sad. She is my little drama queen.

Rose was born 07/31/09 at 7:31 am, two weeks after her due date, via cesarean since I was already at 42 weeks and she wasn't budging. She was 21 in; 7 lbs, 15oz and had as much hair as her eldest sister, but twice as curly. She is currently over a year-and-a-half, reaching 2 in just two or so months, and crazy. Did I mention she is crazy? Her favorite pasttimes include screaming, fighting, and hitting things with other things. She seems to be the most bilingual of all my children, being able to recognize certain phrases in Spanish quicker than her sisters. Though she refuses to talk much (her sisters keep talking for her) she is very smart and refuses to be bossed around by anyone -- complete disregard for authority.

These are my three daughters, children I named after flowers; my garden. But the fact that I carried them for 9+ months and had them ripped out of my womb isn't what makes me a mom to them. Any woman can do that. The times I stayed up all night because of fevers or teething or both is a reason. The times I was 8 or so months pregnant and Lily had an accident while Iris had a nightmare all at the same time and everyone was crying and my husband slept through the entire thing is a reason. The tantrums, the pinching, the pushing, the headlocks, the fish-hooking, the fighting I had to break-up so many times I can no longer keep count are reasons. The recitals I attended, the lessons I taught, the heart-to-hearts, the hugs and kisses, the trips to the park to play, to the library to learn, to the store to browse and observe, and the nights they slept snuggled against my chest, those are the reasons that make me a mom.

I'm not a perfect mom. Not even close. To this day, almost six years after having my first child, I still have a lot to learn and a lot to change for the better. I regret choices I made in the past, and will probably continue to do so after all is said and done, but know that at that present time I did what I thought was the right thing to do. I've had mistakes, I've had triumphs, and I've had downright failures, but the fact that my children still come to me when they need me lets me know that they love me and accept me. The fact that if I fall down in tears from a stressful day and all of them come to hug me, I know I've done something right.

So here's to all imperfect mothers and their beautiful and perfect children, even the ones they raised that someone else gave birth to. Have a wonderful and blessed mother's day. Enjoy today spending it with the ones who helped you become the great mother that you are. <3

Thursday, May 05, 2011

clouds never go behind the sun

I am sick.
I've been on the verge of vomiting all day. So much so, that J, bless him, canceled his job interview so that I wouldn't have to be alone with the girls feeling like this. I was willing to suck it up, but he told me no.

I think it's mostly depression and anxiety that have me like this. I cried a lot last night. I've been on the verge of tears for the past week or so, being unable to talk to anyone about my problems, or even think about them without a few escaping while I do. For example, today I called a bunch of animal shelters and almost started crying when I was explaining why I had to give my cats away.

Yesterday I had a job interview. I think it actually went well, after the fact that I kept tearing up and had to wipe my face a couple of times explaining to the manager my situation. It was for a life insurance company, and they need agents. However, I am not licensed to sell insurance and would have to go to a class that would cost me $100 and then pay $60 to get the actual license after taking the test. You already know I don't have any money. So I teared up trying to think of a way this could work. Joan, the manager, told me she was looking for a secretary and would call me to set up another interview specifically for that. So, fingers are crossed for that. I would only be making about $200/wk but that's more than the $0 I'm making now.


I'm struggling in staying afloat emotionally, but I'm managing it. I am no longer seeing a psychologist and haven't done so in 3 and a half months. I haven't had an antidepressant in over two years. This is me. This is my disease, and this is me dealing with it. It's hard. I can easily fall apart at any moment, but I'm strong and have the support of my husband and my children. I am motivated. I will beat this and I will come out on top. I just need one day to cry it all out, really cry it out.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

Circle Jerk

So I finally talked to J about the money I owe my school. At first I thought it was owed because of the failed classes I have, but in reality, It would have been a LOT more than that if it were. My classes are about 800$ after their military discount, so I would have had to owe much more. What I realized is that I will probably owe one grand at the end of every year. Unfortunately, since I realized this NOW, I have absolutely no money saved up, as I ended up using all of my savings and everything in my bank account for bills. *sigh.* J says we will have to pay, since we currently need my VA, but to do that, that means we have to dip into his savings, which is meant for the mortgage payments. *sigh* When it rains it pours. Life is just one big circle jerk. So, to make up for it, instead of getting the tattoos I wanted, which we put aside for and is almost a grand, we'll use that money. I was really hoping to finally add my irises and roses to the bouquet of lilies, but I guess that will just have to wait for a while. I mean, I already waited almost 4 years; what's another year?

Things I need to do before I move:
o Deep clean loveseat
o deep clean blue couch
o deep clean blue chair
o clean and sort through craft room
o sort through children's toys
o sort through books
o deep clean futon
o sort through clothing
o clean this goddamn house
o hold garage sale?

o pets
----vaccinate Gary and Jules on Friday of this week, donate them w/ Nam to shelter by Wed/Thurs of next week. (If any of them have room.)
o furniture:
----blue couch
----matching chair
----drop leaf dining table and chairs
----extra dining table
----toddler bed
o miscellaneous
----80% of the toys (donate to children's hospital)
----clothing that does not fit and has not been worn in the past 3 years.

*Must discuss other things with husband.