Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Had the interview this morning for state-funded health insurance. Both Lily and I are now covered and they were able to backdate it to when my original insurance had run out. Moments like this make me appreciate the government. Without it I would not have food or proper healthcare. Now all I must do is go first thing tomorrow morning to the office retrieve my new insurance card.

Physically I'm in serious pain. My hips feels as if they are trying to split my pelvis in two. My back is sore and body swollen; I've had lack of sleep from not being able to find a decent position to lay in. I'm left feeling exhausted and irratable. Emotionally I'm nervous about Thanksgiving. The concept of the holiday isn't what bothers me; my family and I have a hard time getting along during family gatherings. Holidays and get-togethers are always started and/or left with arguing. I love my family, but my mother and brother have the tendency to make things difficult. I translated my mother's Thanksgiving sermon from English to Spanish.

tainted love

I miss the life I had before all of this. I miss the people, how things were and the energy. I miss it all...

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

So I've come to realise that I'm still mad at him.

I had an interview today with a lady from the probation office. I had to retell what happened, share my feelings and tell her what I thought would be the best punishment for J. I thought it would be okay, but I still cried. I still had to stop and regain composure, but I fell apart all over again. The minute I hung up the phone I was in the bathroom sitting on the floor with my face in my shirt getting it all soggy. I'm still not over it.

I told her that all in all J was a good person who just made a really bad mistake. That he was young and only human. I told her I believed in second chances and that he deserved one...I just told her the truth. When she asked what I thought his sentencing should be I told her that I thought he was punished enough. When everything happened he was incarcerated for a week or two and lost everything he had worked so hard for. His hearing is on 2 Decemember.

I think the thing that bothers me the most right now is that I know he's sorry and I want to forgive him, but I just can't. I keep trying and I can't. I keep trying to put it behind me so I could move on, but it's still there. And no matter how hard I try I still get nightmares and I still get scared. I want it to go away but it hasn't. And then I want to hate him, but I can't and it makes it that much harder. If I could just hate him, then this whole situation would just be easier. I want to blame him for everything, but everything is not his fault. I want peace, but I can't find it and I'm mad at him for it. I'm so mad that it just won't go away.

I'm just so tired of breaking down. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like falling apart. I just wish I could fully forgive him right now so I wouldn't have to deal with this.

After my fit in the bathroom, I sent him an email of everything in this entry. He wants to know what's going on in my head, and since I'm horrible with communicating verbally, writing it all down is the next best thing. I'm exhausted from crying so much and I haven't been feeling well to begin with. I keep waiting for something more.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Things have changed in the past few months.

I've begun teaching Sunday school at my mother's church. It's going well and they like how we interact. I'm still in the teenage-state of mind, so it's a lot easier for me to understand what they say and for me to explain things to them. I'm really enjoying it. True, it's Christianity, and I'm as far from Christian as possible right now, but it's a learning experience. I'm trying to teach them to be open-minded. It makes life a lot easier for me, anyway.

Lily is due in a month. I'm very apprehensive. So many emotions keep running through my body and I am left feeling numb at the end of the day. Along with Mary Kay, I've started babysitting friends' children to earn some quick cash here and there. It's helping out a bit. I can do my little errands when I need to. I'm still scared, though. It’s very difficult sometimes. I keep trying to convince myself that everything will be okay, but the main people from whom I want the most support from have very little faith in me; it's makes it that much harder.

J and I have discussed a few things. I don't think I remember most of it. I have the tendency that if it's not written down, I will forget. But I do remember a few things. I don't think he understands pregnancy as much as he would like to believe. I told him Lily had hiccups and he actually said "I doubt it," because he thought it wasn't possible. I wonder if he realises he's not a pregnant female nor does he have a now weekly appointment with an obstetrician to check on fetal progress. I think I know a little bit more about our child than he. But I'm getting sidetracked.

There are times when I wish things were different. I've forgiven J to some extent. I will give him a chance. He is my husband and the father of my child, and he has shown progress on trying to find the right path in life. I, too, am trying to better myself as a human being. I haven't been able to continue my counseling sessions, as my insurance has run out and I must fix that later on this morning. However, even though I feel that I have forgiven him for the way he reacted and treated things, it's still a difficult process to try and put aside sometimes. I don't know if I'll ever truly get over it. My mother swears that he will always beat me out of anger, that he will always drink, and that he will always screw up our (he and my) lives. Then again, my mother, and the rest of the family for that matter, has never been truly supportive. Frankly, I think both my and his parents need to quit meddling because all they are doing is making matters worse. I'm truly exhausted from all this nonsense.

J wants to start anew somewhere else, somewhere fresh. I want to stay here. Not because I don't want the same, but because I am not yet ready. I have many things to work out that need time and whether he likes it or not, I refuse to budge. It's not that his feelings are irrelevant to me, but if he wants a decent marriage, he needs to realise that if I'm not ready, if either of us is not ready, the marriage will fall apart all over again, and this time, I'm not willing to go through that scenario again. I have a pregnancy that I will soon finish and an infant that I must soon take care of. Peace and tranquility is my main foundation to be able to function.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I will not be able to pursue what I had once planned. I do not have the money, nor the transportation and materials to do so. I do see, however, that this is for the best. I was given this problem for a reason, and I believe it was to see that I need time to take care of my newborn first, before I make drastic changes and plans for the future.

Carrying Lily for these past eight and a half months has been a God send. I prayed to Gaia for a month so that I could carry a child, and she granted me my wish. I then prayed that I had a healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy, and that labor and delivery would run smoothly and would be as unstressful as possible. I'm soon approaching the time for Lily's birth and all has gone as well as I had hoped. My spirituality has reached one of its highest moments, and I'm thankful for that. It has kept me sane for the most part, and I feel that I can tackle just about any obstacle that is put in my way. I may be a bit fearful with each new task of life, but I will soon overcome.