Friday, August 29, 2008

I need to get a bit off my chest. I haven't really put my feelings out there, and I need to release or I may just implode, and well, that's never a good thing.

Don't take pride in being different, that's just silly. Take pride in being true to yourself and not pretending to be someone you're not.

I have a love for all things different, only because they are originals. I don't mind everyday things, but why be a carbon copy of something when you can be unique and refreshing? I'm not saying be wild and outrageous in a way that's just downright annoying and destructive, but be real and honest and know who you are and what you believe in.

I embrace my individuality and don't let others bring me down. It hurts when they try, a lot. They can ruffle my feathers so bad that I make myself ill for a day. The next day, however, I gather myself up and move forward. I know I am different and sometimes bizarre, but I am not wild and rebellious. I am not destructive. I am kind, and loving, and I try my best to be a decent human being. I may not be perfect, and I may not be what a lot of people like, but I am what I like. The only people I aim to please are my children and my husband and if they are happy with me, then I am happy. I don't give a flying fig to what anyone else thinks. I do what I have to do, what I need to do, and what I want to do; what I think is best for my family and myself. And if anyone has a problem with that, they will just have to deal. Say all the mean and hurtful things you want; karma will surely come around and smack you hard. I love myself for who and what I am.

Now am I perfect? Nowhere near it. Am I special in a way where I could win awards or change the world? Probably not. But do I try and improve myself as much as I can? Absolutely. There is always room for improvement no matter who you are.

The only reason why I'm typing this is because not too long ago someone bumped my bumpers real hard and it made me so upset that for a moment I doubted myself as a person. The only reason it didn't get to me too strongly is because my husband reminded me why he loves me and what he loves about me. That made me feel fantastic. Now I handled myself as gracefully as I could with this person, but I was still very frustrated and hurt. This person had said a lot of mean and hateful things and it was difficult for me to play nice. I did, however, and just slowly began to let it go. I knew that this person would eventually get what was coming to them one way or another.

This happened a lot sooner than I thought and even though a part of me inside is jumping with glee, I feel terrible for them. I know it's karma, that universal energy that gives you in return what you had sent out. I know that it should come as no surprise, but I still feel terrible that it has happened. I just hope and pray that this person will heal and better than judge others for how they do things look at themself first before things go wrong again.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I feel like utter shit today.
I could not sleep at all last night. I didn't finally fall asleep until 4 or 5 this morning and even after I had finally fallen asleep, Iris threw a hissy fit because she wanted to sleep in bed with me and not in her crib for a half hour sometime after 6. J had to wake our asses up at 15 passed 9. I haven't slept in that late in the last for a couple of weeks now.

I've been working with Lily on her schooling. I have an old preschool workbook that I got at a garage sale shortly after she was born and have been photocopying the pages for her to write on. So far, she's been writing the numbers 1 through 4. And she can spell and write her first name. I even bought her a little pad of paper with the dotted lines specifically meant for learning to write. She's doing really well and I'm very proud of her. I tell her every day what a good and smart girl she is.

I somehow lost 10 to 15 pounds without noticing. In the beginning of spring I was a size 12 in dresses. When I was terribly sick this summer, I went down to an 8. I am currently a 6 and have no idea how I got there. I'm somewhere between 115 and 120, which feels weird to me. I haven't been less than 120 without being horribly ill since before I got married. Oh well, at least I'm eating well and keeping active.

I think I'm catching a cold.
Did I mention I feel like utter shit?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Always be true to yourself and take pride in what you are and what you will be.
Never regret anything, or the guilt will consume you.
Always be willing to forgive if not forget.
If it works for you, don't change it just because it's not the norm.
Rock out with you cock out every day of the week.

I love my husband very much. He is awesome; I should listen to him more.

Have you told yourself "I love me" today?

Saturday, August 23, 2008


I've started my first menstrual cycle today since concieving and having the baby. The first day of my last cycle was 587 days ago. I am not happy. I'm crampy, sore, tired, bloated, cranky... however, I'm not surprised. I've been breastfeeding Iris less and less since she started eating solids two months ago. Still, I'm not very happy about the fact that my body is back to clearing out the uterus. *sigh* I hate periods.

I spent most of today cleaning up little areas of the house. My house is a total mess and if my mother wants to come up and visit, I need to clean it and soon. She returns from Honduras on Tuesday. So I cleaned up the "dining" room (It's supposed to be the dining room, but right now it has a blue papazan and a bunch of boxes) and the hallway to the living room and the front of the living room up to the computer. The entire room wasn't cleaned only because both of my cats kept attacking the broom or laying in the piles of random things for attention, or my children kept going through the mess. Thankfully I got most of it done. So tonight, after the girls are in bed, I'll be cleaning the rest of the living room and then tackling the parlor.

I don't really have much to update on. I've been cleaning little by little so that I don't drive myself nuts, but at the same time not have my house as a pig stye like it normally is. I've been reorganizing the crafting room and have moved my altar and all of my spiritual items in there as well. I didn't have a problem with it being in my husband's closet up in our bedroom, but Lily loved to go in there just to mess with my things. Too many sharp and breakable/valuable objects for her to be messing with, so it had to be moved into an area that she didnt have easy access to.

My allergies are wreaking havoc to my body. Mainly it's because I'm allergic to two of the three pets I have (cats). I love Jules and Gibbs but if I don't sanitize my hands immediately after handling them, terrible things happen to my face. ;) Also, messing with this dusty, nasty house, isn't all that great for my sinuses either.

Ever since putting Ubuntu on my iBook, I have been using this thing constantly. I love working with it. I don't do much online, but I love playing the games and with Gimp (which is a lot like Photoshop). Much fun is being had with this OS.

Did I mention that I am not happy with my body?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I have been asking myself lately 'what is my calling out in the world?' Somewhere along the lines of when my mother asks "What does God want of me?" And I can't seem to answer this question at all.

Since as far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a teacher. College-graduate and certified. I had gotten a music scholarship and was going to be a music teacher but turned away from that because I was unhappy with my life and easily unsatisfied. I grew bored with music education. Don't get me wrong, I love it very much, I've been a vocalist since I was two, but it just wasn't something I wanted to do every day for the rest of my life. So I quit, got married, and had my daughters instead.

I've tried going back to school with no success. I tried out web development since I already know html coding, a bit of java and love to play and create graphics. Didn't work out; I again was bored out of my mind. So a day or two ago I think that maybe just an elementary teacher could do. Then my husband reminded me that I would be stuck with that job every day for the rest of my career and that was it. You can't get a promotion or anything, you stay the same thing. It's crap pay, and most children and their parents don't respect you, etc. So much for that idea. My husband asked me "why do you keep wanting to find something to get away from your children?" And it's not like that at all. (Okay, maybe a little, but not all of it)

I love my babies. They are my world. But I sometimes feel like something is missing. I feel out of balance. My marriage is great. My husband, though an atheist, respects me emotionally, physically, sexually, and every other way imaginable. My children are wonderful. Though they are spoiled and bratty, they are two of the most well-mannered, considerate, intelligent, and well-behaved children I know. They just know they have Mommy wrapped around their little fingers so they milk it for all its worth. ;) I have three great pets. Missy (dog) is a great companion, though a bit of a spaz sometimes. She's so loving and playful. Though I sometimes neglect her because I can't really play with her. We have no fence and she likes to run off when excited, and her barks and growls, though playful, scare Iris. Gibbs and Jules (cats) are crazy, but I love them and they love me. Thankfully, they are no longer spraying my house. I live in a lovely Victorian-era home. I have plenty of food and clothing. And a functioning semi-new car. Finances are tight sometimes, but we do well. We do a lot better than most of the people of my generation. (My husband is 25, I am 22) I am missing nothing and need nothing.

However, spiritually, I feel like I could and should be doing more. I know I don't have to. I take care of the pets, the kids (and very rarely [almost non-existant] the house). My husband works his butt off at work and then comes home, does laundry, and cooks the food. (I can't cook to save my life, I've tried) So I know we have our hands full but I feel like I need to be doing something extra. So I'm on a vision quest.

I've analyzed my skills---jack of all trades, master of none. I've been teaching Runes and Wicca 101, but it's all been online because the people who take/took them all live far away. I would love to hold something here at home like that, but I don't know anyone nearby. And everything else, I'm mediocre at best.

I have my minister's license (and am currently working for chaplain) but I have no real use for it. The only reason I am taking the classes is because it kills time when I don't have anything left to do at the end of the day and the girls are asleep. Along with the outreach mission, my mom wants me to be a part of her ministry and start a branch of her church here. I obviously turned it down. (I don't remember if I've said this or not but she has conveniently forgotten I am Pagan, and I really don't feel like reminding her.) Though, like I mentioned in my previous entry, the idea of a ministry is tempting.

Last Wednesday I went to the Pagan House Church in Omaha with my healing circle for our ritual. It's part of a house that was turned into a community (several people live there) as well as a sacred place. I couldn't help but wonder and imagine how awesome that would be to have a Pagan church nearby, or even a fellowship place where Pagans could come to commune together. I always think of it when I pass by the For Sale sign in front of the old Community of Christ Church building. But like I said in my previous entry, even if that was what I was meant to do, I have no idea how to go about it.

*sigh* I am tired and confused and everything in between. It's been a long school day (I homeschool my 2 year-old) and I need a nap.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I've fully potty-trained my oldest, which is nice. I didn't really do anything. One day she just fought with me because she didn't want to wear her diaper so I gave in and let her wear her panties. She went to the bathroom on her own and that was the end of that. It's nice only having to get diapers for one child instead of two. There's a bit of money saved.

I successfully quit smoking. It's been a month and a half so far and I'm very proud of myself. Now the only thing that needs working on is my food intake. I have the bad habit of eating when I'm bored and not drinking enough water. I've been diluting my juice with water (2 parts water, 1 part juice) to help me with that but I still eat way too much. I still breastfeed, which burns off calories, and I've been excersicing by walking and jogging for at least a half hour every day.

My parents want to come visit. I haven't seen my father since I was 15 and he's never met the girls so he is hoping that he can come up some weekend, some time soon, to have the girls meet their Abuelo. My mom leaves for Honduras on a ministry mission on Tuesday for a week and when she returns she hopes to come up here for a little R&R. I don't know what kind of rest and relaxation she's hoping for--I'm not sure she remembers just how crazy the girls are.

On the subject of my mom, I spoke to her last night to see how she has been doing (she's been sick) and when she leaves for her trip. She kept asking me about the churches here and if there is anything that the community does that helps those in need. I told her I don't really leave the house and don't really know. The only thing I know is that there is a food bank, and that's about it. (Which is true to some extent; I'm Pagan so I have no idea what the churches here do.) So she asked me what I thought of helping her expand the ministry and her mission to help others by being the head coordinator for it here in my county. I didn't really know what to say to her. I've always loved helping others and the community (I did it a lot with my mother when I lived with her) so I didn't want to say no. I think it's a great idea. BUT I don't have the heart to remind her that I am not Christian. I don't mind starting something like this or being affiliated with her church, but I know that she would definitely not like the fact that a bunch of Pagans are affiliated with her church.

I was talking about this with my healing circle yesterday after our healing ritual. I would love to start a Pagan ministry, but have no idea on how to go about it. It's difficult because of the fact that not all Pagans are on the same paths, similar, but not the same. The only way that there is a group of people that practice the same exact thing on the same level are those who are in a coven and practice with those members in a coven. An open circle is a group of mostly solitaries who follow their own paths and have their own personal teachings. I understand that yes, this is possible and could work; look at the Unitarians/Universalists, but I don't want to water down the religion or make it stale. I have a very strong passion for my religious beliefs. I have an urge to teach others. And I have an itch to start a ministry, but it's very frustrating when the only person who can give you ideas is your mom and she doesn't approve of your religious beliefs.

I don't really know what to do or say. Mother will be here sometime in September/October and I know she's going to want to begin a mission here. Like I said, I think this a great idea, but I don't want to be affiliated with a church that I don't follow it's religious teachings. I just don't have the heart to remind her that I am Wiccan. I don't hide it, but it's not obvious either.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Finally switched the OS on my OLD Mac laptop.

J bought me an iBook G3, Blueberry. The Mac OS X that was on it was the first one (10.0), from like 2004. That thing was aboust as compatible with anything as the likelyhood of Justin Timberlake hooking back up with Britney Spears. So, I needed an upgrade on OS and I was not going to spend an arm, a leg, and probably a kidney for a new Mac OS on this thing. Plus, the highest it could possibly take with its RAM would be Panther (10.3) and trying to find a reliable seller of that...yeah.

So I finally got it running on Ubuntu which is a Linux OS. It's actually pretty cool and I like the fact that I can use my laptop for more than just writing a simple text e-mail or a text document. I like the fact that my internet doesn't crap out whenever I try to log into LiveJournal, and I like the fact that I can update and install software without fearing that the damn thing is going to explode.

Anyway, yay. :)