Wednesday, December 07, 2005

So I've come to the conclusion of getting a divorce. It just came to me. At first I thought that there was no real logic behind it, just an excuse to get out of the situation, but in all honesty, I don't want to be with J. I love him, yes. No matter what he thinks or says about me, I will always love him. But love is not enough. I don't trust him. I don't like him. I don't think I will ever forgive him for what he's done.

I have not forgiven my stepdad for sexually and physically abusing me, and he's been dead for five years. I have not forgiven my father for making me feel like I wasn't loved, even though he's aware of it and has asked for forgiveness. So what would make me forgive my husband for strangling me and jeapordising the life of my child and I? Nothing. I'd be unhappy.

So forgive me if I'm being selfish by thinking of myself, but with all these negative feelings toward a person, what is the point of staying married. I know J wanted us to try and save our marriage. But even he says that I am a bad person for one reason or another and the only reason he hasn't bailed out is because he loves me. I just don't understand the logic behind that.

Throughout this whole situation I've rarely spoken ill of him. Most people think I'm crazy for even wanting to talk to him, but I just didn't have it in my heart to make him out to be a bad person. He's just a guy who's made mistakes. But he continues to twist my words around, leaving me incapable of explaining my feelings. I'm overwhelmed as is with Lily on the way. I wasn't ready to be married. And I still am not. I'm not trying to make him the bad guy, but I'm not the bad guy either. Am I wrong for wanting to be happy even if it means leaving my husband behind? I never said he was wrong for wanting his family back. Not once did I say he was wrong for feeling the way he did, he just assumed that's what I thought.

I can't keep doing this. I don't know if it's my fault or his, but we're running around in circles and getting nowhere fast. I think this is the best thing, no matter how much it hurts.
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