Friday, August 17, 2012


I am 40lbs overweight.
At 5'1, I am 155 lbs. I'm a thick girl, bottom heavy, and busty, but this is too much weight. When I met my husband I was 95lbs. When we got married I was 110. After birthing 4 of his children, I am not 155 lbs! That is MORE than I was when I was 9 months along with any of the kids! This needs to!

Starting tomorrow: portion control. I've already been exercising, doing yoga to deal with my stress. J got me p90x and Insanity, so going to be doing those starting tomorrow after chores. This weight NEEDS to come off, like yesterday.

The problem I'm having is that I have been binging like crazy. I binge when stressed. I've been managing well the past couple of week since doing yoga, but I still can't believe how big I've gotten. I may have to do a fast. I'm going to have to ask my mom how she does it, since she fasts all the time without getting sick.

Fingers crossed I get all this crap off my bones!

Let it Rain over Me

This separation from my family is killing me. I hate not being able to be at home. Today will mark one month since CPS opened their case. We have yet to move foward because things didn't get processed the way they should have. Because of someone else's mistake, my family continues to suffer over this. I hate having to sit down with my daughters every time they ask me when I can come home and have to tell them, not yet.

 I applied for SSI. I had my appointment today. Hopefully I get this. I also found an apartment in Austin for a reasonable price that we could move into. I'm hoping that our deed-in-lieu doesn't disqualify us, or the fact that we've only been in these apartments for the past three months. Fingers crossed.

I feel like I'm losing my mind all over again.

Thursday, August 09, 2012


While things kind of suck right now, since getting my diagnosis, my life makes so much sense now!

Saturday, August 04, 2012

You Are Exceptional

Life feels so dreary these days. My little rays of sunshine are away in Austin with their uncle, and as much as I would love to be with them, that privilege has been stripped away from me. This whole CPS case is leaving me feeling more depressed than I was three weeks ago in the psychiatric unit. The kids are taken to their uncle’s at 6 in the morning. While I can go with them, I’ve been staying at my mother’s which is a good 20-minute drive away from my apartment. Even if I stay at my sister’s (who lives, at most, a 10-minute drive away) I don’t have the proper transportation to get me back to my apartment at 5 AM and then back to my sister’s at 10 PM. It’s a waste of resources we just don’t have right now. It makes my heart hurt knowing I can’t be left alone with my children. Yes, I know why this situation has been set in place. I know I wasn’t safe to be around due to the fact that my schizophrenia hit it’s peak, but I’m tired of being treated like a bomb that can blow at any moment. I’m getting tired of having to have someone with me at all times just so I can be with my children. I abhor the fact that I’m in this situation. I’ve taken damn good care of those children, my flesh and blood, for almost seven years now without prior incident. I lose my mind, and seek help, knowing that I could be a danger to my children, and get punished for it! I wish I could go back to the hospital and smack the stupid social worker who started this mess, who has never suffered from a mental illness in her life. If I was truly going to hurt my children, wouldn’t I have done it by now?! The thought of all this gives me headaches. I detest the feeling I get when I wake up in the morning, in my mother’s guest bedroom, surrounded by no one. I don’t wake up to a baby talking and squealing. I don’t get to tell toddlers to stop opening my door. I don’t get woken up by kisses. I’m alone in a king-sized bed with no one to share it with. I’m not allowed overnight stays at my own apartment if my children are there. I’m wondering if I should have stayed at the psychiatric unit. It’s not much different from what I do here. At least there I had people to talk to, activities planned to take up time during the day. At least there I wasn’t so alone. I could legitimately miss my kids and my husband because they were 160 or so miles away. This void feels superficial. My children are in the same town as I am and I can’t even be with them. I’m trying to stay positive. I understand why the social worker called CPS. I understand why CPS is taking the measures it needs to. I understand, but just because I understand doesn’t mean I like it. Just because I understand doesn’t mean I think this entire situation is ridiculous and a taint to my good name. It’s hard to stay positive when I’m not allowed to be alone with my kids in our own home. I feel drained. The medicines I’m on work. I’m finally better and I can’t even enjoy it. I finally get a vacation away from the children and I don’t want it. It was forced upon me. I’m still depressed, but no amount of medicine could make me feel better right now. Every time I have to say good bye to the children at night makes the rest of that night disagreeable to the nth degree. A whole month left of this preposterous case. I hope I can make it. My psyche has been through enough; I don’t want to end up where I started.

Thursday, August 02, 2012


Finally broke. Ended up in the psych ward for two weeks. I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. It's a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar mood disorder. Things from my past are finally making sense. All of my hallucinations and delusions now have a cause. I'm in the middle of a CPS case now. It's no fun, but I'm trying to stay positive. It's hard. I miss my kids. It makes me wonder if I should have just stayed at the psych ward. I published my journal from my two-week stay at the hospital. That is all.