Friday, December 30, 2011


I hate it when people think they can undermine my parental authority because I am "young and ignorant." Just because you are older and also have kids doesn't mean you have any idea what you are doing. Raise your own damn kids and leave me to mine. Don't give me shit about parenting classes. We've been part of the system for over 6 years and received monthly as well as bi-yearly evaluations. I know what I'm doing.
I hate being told I'm being an asshole to my children when a week later of having my children around, you, too, are being a dick.

I am so fucking tired of everyone thinking I have no grip on what is going on in my family or in our situation just because I'm 25 damn years old. I'm a good fucking parent whether anyone agrees with it or not. I know I am. We were told so by SOCIAL SERVICES as well as by a BEHAVIORAL THERAPIST that I am doing great by my kids. We.know.what.we.are.doing. Sure, it's hard, and we'll slip up, but we move one and try and do better next time. That's all we really can do. I'm just so fucking tired of everyone putting in their two cents without my asking. If I didn't ask for your opinion, I don't want to hear it. The end.

I am so emotionally tired. I am just so fucking done. People act like we are not fucking trying. It's winter break. NOBODY IN H.R. ANYWHERE IS AVAILABLE UNTIL THE 2nd!!! I am tired of everyone trying to shove us into this little cookie cutter that we don't fucking fit in. Trust me. We tried it, and our marriage bombed in the process with me pregnant and alone at my mother's, and J with a criminal record broke and living with friends.

I hate hate HATE the fact that I have to depend on others to survive. I pray that they have something for us in public housing. I can't fucking do this anymore. I am constantly being judged and criticized. Our entire family dynamic is fucked because everyone feels they have a say. I fucking give up.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Is It 2012 Yet?

The past few months haven't been as great as I had hoped. I'm still very much pregnant, but I'm also homeless. We're staying with my sister for now until we can figure something out.
My mother-in-law has cut off all communication with us. She deleted and blocked both J and I off her Facebook as well as my brother and sister. She believes that we are entitled and spoiled brats (even though we were paying her $500 monthly to help out) and the fact that I teach my children to question everything, learn about other's beliefs, and be open-minded, well-rounded children is just unacceptable. She wants us to be a cookie-cutter kind of family (kids in public school, J and I a "9 to 5" couple, etc.) but that's just not going to happen. J and I tried that---we HATED IT. It's just not how we function. It's not something we enjoyed, we were miserable and realized we work and function better as a family without it. Regardless, the fact that she hates everything about me and blames me for all of her problems caused us to be kicked out from what was supposed to be our home. Truthfully, I think it was all about money. As soon as we told her we ran out and couldn't pay her anymore, it escalated to this. She even cut herself off from her grandchildren, which I think is just sad, pathetic, and fucked up. I have never known someone to be so hateful.

The ridiculosity of this month has been stressful, but thankfully that mess is over. Now our biggest obstacle is finding a permanent home. We have an appointment with social services for government-sponsered housing on January 9. The wait-list for section 8 is 2 years right now, so we are trying to public housing I hope the wait-list, which is rumored to become 3 years, is just a rumor. We really need this.

I feel so deflated. I am so tired, but for once, my depression isn't all in my head, it's legitimate. My doctor has offered to give me something, but I won't see him until the 3rd. I wish I could lay in bed all day and do nothing, just sleep. If I didn't have any kids, maybe this would be easier, but I just feel terrible know they were in that situation and are now in this situation. I feel like a terrible parent having to put them through this. Granted, they are strong and smart girls. Lily and Iris have both understood everything that is going on, (Lily being pissed and wanting nothing to do with her grandmother; Iris telling me that "Grandma is dead" to her) but I feel like I've done something wrong. I know the girls are doing better; no more tantrums, no more bed-wetting, nightmares, or skin rashes. Even my own rashes have disappeared. I just have that nagging feeling like I forgot to do something.

We still have a ton of stuff to get out of my mother-in-law's house. She took all of our things and shoved it into her garage. If she broke anything, so Lord help me... she wasn't even supposed to touch our things, according to law. It doesn't matter now, though. J will be getting the storage in some sort of order to put our things in there again, I just hope there is room. It took us 4 months to get the stuff we had out; we only have 30 days (as of the 19th, when we were "evicted," as she puts it) to put it back in. It's time consuming, and I can't do anything to help. *sigh* I just want this to all be done already. I just want to only worry about the fact that I have 6 weeks left of this pregnancy. I just want a seriously long nap.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Oh, November

Finally started on my novel for National Novel Writing Month. Yeah, that's right. Ten more days until the end of the month and I am NOW just starting. Most people are at about 33k right now if they are keeping the steady pace of about 1.7k per day. In the past three hours of writing nonstop, I've made it to a little over 6k. I'd have to write an average of about 3.8k a day to actually win this year. I WANT to win this year. 6 years of this and not one win.

Personally, I think my novel is crap. I'll post it at the end of the month. Speaking of the end of the month, I need to make $100 retail for my Pure Romance business for me to stay active. I have tried everything, and still nothing. I don't know what else to do. I'm so effing tired. My boobs also hurt. Stupid pregnancy.

I'm so tired. I haven't slept well in almost a month.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Getting prepped and geared for NaNoWriMo this year. With no job, no school, and only my kids taking up my time, I actually have a lot of empty "me" time this year. Let's see how much I can get done next month. I have only a slight idea of what I am going to write about, hopefully as time progresses, I'll have more.
I have been in excrutiating pain. I have barely left the house. I am horribly depressed. I have made little progress in my Pure Romance business. To be honest, I'm highly dissappointed by the lack of support I have recieved from friends. It was a serious blow for me. I don't ask that they buy anything, I just want them to spread the word and support me, just like I would do for them and the only response I seem to get is "Oh, awkward." I just don't understand it. I really, really don't.

I'm pretty low these days. Lack of finance, unstable future, and this constant feeling that the bottom half of my body is trying to detach itself from the top half has me feeling exhausted. Other than occupying myself with NaNo next month, I don't know what else to do.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

As If Life Doesn't Suck Enough

  1. We have officially been in Texas now for about 3 weeks now. Got here the 2nd of August. It's a relief that I don't have to deal with BILLS so much now.
  2. I'm school. I'm calling my academic advisor today and dropping from school. We are shit poor anyway. It's not like we "need" the money anymore; we have nothing to save.
  3. My mother and I are not speaking. She blew up and disrespected me about two weeks ago over my sexuality and choice of religion. To be honest, not having her in my life has been a relief. I'm happier being able to comfortably be me without having to tip-toe around subjects that may upset her. I refuse to speak to her until she apologizes for the way she treated me. She has deleted me off of her FaceBook (LOL) as well as from her cell's contact list. She told my sister (throw a slew of mood swings) that I was not allowed at her house. *She* chose to 'disown' me. However, she recently told my sister that I am hiding from her,  *snort* you know, since I live A BLOCK AWAY FROM HER DAMN HOUSE. I honestly believe that woman needs mental evaluation for Alzheimer's. Her memory is absolutely warped and she is horribly delusional. In all honesty, though, I am truly done with her. I have never, in my 25 years, felt so INSULTED as I did the day my mom called me, yelled at me, and then told me, verbatum, to go to hell. All I had told her, and very calmly at that, was that I was hanging up because I had refused to be treated like that. This coming from a PASTOR. She is a bigot, a hypocrite, and a fraud. I. AM. DONE.
  4. I am in excrutiating pain. All of my children ended up being c-sections so my uterus isn't happy with this 4th pregnancy. The scar tissue on my uterus is stretching and ZOMG it HURTS. Guess what can be done? Not a damn thing. My OBGYN told me yesterday that my *entire* pregnancy is going to be this painful. As if life doesn't suck enough.
  5. I have been horribly depressed, and I know it has to do with the hormones of this pregnancy. Either way, I don't want to be here.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Sunday's Itinerary.

[x] collect and discard all garbage and recycling
[x] discard broken crib
[x] dismantle broken dresser and discard
[x] dismantle shelves in girls' closet
[ ] dismantle and discard broken armoir
[ ] pack girls' clothes stored in guest room
[ ] pack girls' clothes stored in linen closet
[ ] pack shoes
[ ] wash and pack dishes

Having a bit of a break. Now on to tackle the broken armoir. *Sigh* I have a final paper that needs to be written that is due tomorrow. I hope I have time for all of this crap.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

2. Going through the motions, Playing a part

So the secret I was keep was that I am pregnant. as you probably have already guessed. I still feel like crap, first trimester and all. It's taken a few weeks, but I am not starting to enjoy the idea of another little one. It was hard for me to enjoy the idea due to the fact that I am sick AND pregnant and can't do a damn thing about it, but of the terrible timing. I did pray, I prayed that if the military was not meant to be that something needed to be put in my path to change it. I was working hard, getting physically, mentally, and academically prepared. I was ready, until I spent a week with my face in a toilet being unable to keep anything down. I figured it was stress while Mary figured that I could be pregnant. I was upset. All this hard work down the drain. Granted, I did ask the powers that be that if the military was a bad decision, stop it, but I was hoping it would have come in the way of being disqualified at MEPS, not another child. The timing was just off, what with the move and the being broke and all.

Speaking of being broke, we literally have no money left. After all the bills were paid, (J took care of the mortgage and credit card while I paid the car, water, energy, and Internet) we realized that if we were to stay here just through the month of August, we wouldn't make it. All that is left is J's 401K, which I really want him to keep. Just to get us through one more month here, he'd have to cash that out. I'm so glad we are moving. Don't get me wrong, I'm seriously going to miss this house, MY house, and the friends I have made here, but I'll have a place to live, and my children will be taken care of. It may not be the ideal situation, but at least we won't be homeless and starving.

So, J is REALLY enjoying being a stay-at-home dad and has decided that it is my turn to make the money. Seeing as I have very little skill in any feild, I decided to try out something I KNOW I am good at. I am now a Pure Romance consultant. You can check my website out at I'm really excited about this job. Yes, I'm going to be selling adult literature and novelty items. Yes, that means I'm selling dildos, vibrators, and pocket-pussies, but I am awesome when it comes to explaining the benefits of good sexual health.

J and I have been together for ten years, just about. We have had an entire DECADE to experiment and learn about each other's body's. We sit and research about certain sexual activities to make sure we are both comfortable and that neither of us scared or gets hurt. The things we haven't tried, we reaserch, take polls, ask questions. I am blunt, honest, and not ashamed by sexual questions. I don't get embarrassed when asking or being asked about sexual situations, and I love to learn and help people better thei sexual experiences with a partner. I want women to feel comfortable in their bodies and with their significant others. I want them to know that you don't have to be a sexual deviant to find pleasure in using toys, and that you shouldn't be ashamed of it either. I've used a lot of their products. My friend Danita, and now my sponsor, was my consultant before I got started. I use the lotions and sprays on my children! Iris has very dry and sensitive skin and it moisterizes awesomely. I can't say enough about this company.

Anyway, things are beginning to fall into place. I'm stressed, yes, but this time it's not out of absolute terror. I'm really excited. I move in two weeks. Yes, that soon. I have my friend Meg coming over next week to help me pack, and my friend Janene offered to babysit the girls so J could help pack, too. Mary has offered her jeep to throw our donations in the back for Goodwill, and I've already talked to the trash collectors to see how much extra they would charge me for all the crap I'm going to be throwing away. I have a PR party booked with my MIL in 3 weeks already. And when I get there, I've already scheduled and appointment with my old OBGYN and filled out the paperwork for food stamps and medicaid. All I have to do now is turn it in and wait for an interview. I AM SET. I'm so ready I just want this done and over with.

Children are about to start a riot if I don't give them, as Rose puts it, their "alk" (milk).

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

1. Lists

1. failed my SOC101 class (FUCK) even though I tried. I REALLY DID. damn it all.
2. am on academic probation. must pass next 2 classes (ENG225: intro to film & PHI103: informal logic) to get financial aid back.
3. applied for student loans on top of pell grant.
4. registered for fall classes.
5. VA finally got it's shit together and retracted my "debt." Stupid fucks
6. am enjoying my film class. currently have a 92.
7. face is puffy, rash covered, and has sinus infection.
8. xx xxxxxxxx and feel like crap.

Monday, July 04, 2011


I feel so very old today. My body aches. My heart hurts. I'm weepy, but there's not much I can do about it. My allergies are KILLING me. J and I got absolutely no sleep with all my hacking and gagging, sneezing and coughing. Nothing is working, and my throat burns.

I have a secret I want to share, but now isn't the right time to share it.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Flood Update

Hwy 30, the last highway that would lead us out of town, had a levee breach yesterday, and is on the verge of being closed. It has been raining in my town for the past two days. For those of you who have been worried, my family is safe and sound over at a friend's house (Mary). She has been kind enough to let us live at her house until things settle down a bit, as we were not looking forward to being trapped in our house. Most, if not all, of the highways leading out of my town are closed. To return home for anything will take us at least an hour or so when Hwy 30 is officially closed.

Thankfully, our house is on a hill and will be minimally affected by the flood. If anything in my house were to flood, it would be the garage, and maybe the basement, but the house itself would be safe, along with important documents that are in a waterproof and fireproof safe.

Thank you to everyone who has kept us in their prayers! We are healthy and safe and far away from the flood as humanly possible.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Oh. Joy.

Thank you, unrelenting stress.
And thank you, opressive depression.

Chunks of my hair, I repeat, CHUNKS OF MY HAIR are falling out. For once, I am thankful for the ungodly amount of hair I have, even though it is fine in texture. If all else fails and I end up with bald spots, I at least already know I look awesome with a shaved head.

I'm in a complete fog. I feel do disoriented and full of rage.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Missouri River Flood 2011

It has come to my attention that, though everyone was alerted nationwide about the tornadoes in the south a few months back, no one is being alerted about the serious damage being made in the Missouri River Basin here in the Midwest.

My first video about this crisis was posted on June 13. on my pagan-related channel, requesting prayers. My second video was posted on my random channel today, as an update on the high waters. To be clear, this is not affected just my town (Missouri Valley, IA) but all the states and adjacent borders of the Missouri River.

I now leave you with the two videos I posted.

Missouri River Flood 2011 Prayer Request

Missouri River Flood 2011 Hwy 30

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Your Common Sense, Your Best Defense, Lay Wasted and In Vain

I've been worrying.

I feel like all my hard work will be for naught. I'll end up losing all this weight, working my butt off every other day trying to get in shape, not being in therapy for these past almost 6 months for me to take my ASVAB, go to MEPS and then be told "Nope. Sorry. Disqualified. Have a nice day."

I'm barely passing Sociology, not for lack of trying, but because my professor didn't backtrack my grades like he said he would. I'm not going to worry about, though, since I AM passing, and it's because I am awesome. I'm actually pretty psyched about my final paper as it is a topic I am familiar with and enjoy researching (religion.)

I feel like I haven't slept in days and all I ever do is sleep if I'm not busy.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Draw a Labyrinth - wikiHow

How to Draw a Labyrinth

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Creating a labyrinth design is fun and it can be used for a puzzle, a logo, a wall picture, a book cover, and many other creative uses. This article explains the intricacies of drawing a labyrinth and provided you're patient, it's actually very easy to achieve and looks awesome.


  1. Draw eight concentric circles, leaving a small circle that will serve as the labyrinth's center. (Concentric circles sit one inside the other and so on.) Label the circles from 1-8, starting with the largest circle as number 1.
  2. At the labyrinth's center, draw a flower-like pattern. This is like the center of most labyrinths.
  3. Draw two horizontal lines and four vertical lines across the labyrinth, taking care to avoid drawing through the center. The lines should align with the middle of the labyrinth. The lines should be equally spaced apart.
  4. Erase lines to make labyrinth pathways. Starting with the left horizontal line, erase lines in circles 1, 2, 5, 6 and 7. Erase a part of circle 4.
    • When erasing, remember to make the pathway's size equal to the size of the spaces within circles.
  5. Erase the vertical line in the first circle, and leave the rest of them untouched. Erase parts of circles 3, 5 and 7.
  6. Erase the horizontal line in circle 7, and leave the rest of them untouched. Erase parts of circles 2, 4 and 6.
  7. Erase the first vertical line from the left within circles 3, 4 and 7. Leave the second vertical line untouched. Erase the third vertical line from the left within circle 7, leaving the rest untouched.
  8. Continue to erase lines within each circle to complete the pathways.
    • For circle 1, erase the part between the first and second vertical lines.
    • For circles 2 and 6, erase the part between the first and third vertical lines, as well as some from the left.
    • For circles 3, 5 and 7, erase the part between the first and third vertical line, as well as some from the right.
    • For circle 4, erase the part between the second and third vertical line.
    • For circle 8, erase the part between the second and third vertical line.


This video presents a number of "seed patterns" with which to design different labyrinths.


  • Use a marker to make the pencil lines darker. Or, you could paint the image if preferred.
  • These instructions work for both paper drawing and screen drawing. Try both to see which effect you like the most.


  • Have patience. Labyrinths are meant to test it!

Things You'll Need

  • Paper
  • Pen, marker, pencil
  • Eraser
  • Something to display your artwork in or on (optional)

Related wikiHows

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Draw a Labyrinth. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Draw a Labyrinth - wikiHow

Sunday, June 05, 2011

You Can Make It Feel So Real

My new piercing is AWESOME. So totally worth it. Just saying.

I was behind two weeks in my Sociology class (mind you, we are now finishing week 2) due to my sister's car accident, the death of Johnny, and last week's concurrent power outages here, that I had until tonight to finish them all. I had hoped to get them all done yesterday, but after writing them all down, it was already passed midnight and I was exhausted. Thankfully, in less than 24 hours, I got caught up with ALL of my homeowork, I have kept in contact with my professor this entire time, and he has ok'd it and is going back into the gradebook to give me full credit. :) I now have to do a paper on the death penalty that is due tomorrow night, but thankfully I have a big chunk of information in my textbook that I can use and only have to add one more reference, that I can easily pull out of my ass. :)

I am very tired and have a lot of things to do in the house that I feel will never get done. J has been washing laundry non stop and I, the dishes. I organized the kitchen so that things (appliances) would be more accessible, but soon everything will be in boxes. So many things have to go. The girls have WAY too many toys, and Grandma's has plenty to spare, so I'm only going to keep things I love, like the pretend play toys, dolls, cars, and building things. All those little annoying toys they have strewn about are going!

The amount of clothing this family has is ridiculous. Thankfully, my friend Rachel is taking all the rest of the baby clothes, as Rose is now in 2T , which means I can now get rid of all the 18mos and 24mos clothes I have...and boy do we have a LOT. All kids shoes under size 6 are going, too.

I was worried about the furniture, but we are taking all of it with us, not to keep. Joey (J's baby brother) is getting married soon and he and is wife-to-be are moving into a new apartment next month. They have nothing, as most newlyweds and college grads do. So they are getting OUR newlyweds furniture. ;) We get to downsize AND help out family. Everybody wins!

Saturday, June 04, 2011

Days Go By

My vacation, in general, went well. I had a friend of the family pass away the first week I was there, so the second week I went to the wake in Wednesday and the funeral on Thursday. I got to see some old friends from childhood, some of whom I hadn't seen in a decade, give or take a year or so. It was nice to see those faces.

I still feel out of it. I'm officially 25 now. I've hit my quarter-life, and I feel like I have accomplished very little. My mother took me out for dinner on the 29th, the day before we left. We said goodbye to everyone on the 30th, stayed at Mary's on the 31st, lounged about on the 1st, and did nothing on the 2nd, my actually birthday. A day like every other day.

Yesterday I went to Grinn and Barrett in Omaha with Michele and her husband and she and I got matching hood (vhc) piercings. J had the lines finished in his tattoo. Needless to say, husbs and I got cut and stabbed, and paid for someone to do it. Mine was free, only because James paid for it as a birthday gift. The three of us (J stayed w/ the girls at home) then had dinner at HuHot. HOLY SHIT THAT FOOD IS DELICIOUS. Just saying.

I have a lot of things to do in the house, but today is dedicated to homework and spiritual work.

I'm in a funk that I need to get out of.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Dancing 'Til The World Ends

  • Everyone is ok from the accident. Juanita got the brunt of the force, so she is banged up pretty bad. Both she and my sister, however, had no broken bones or anything, and though are both excruciatingly sore from the incident, will be fine in a couple weeks.
  • My mom's kitchen is covered by insurance. They'll be remodeling it soon.
  • J paid my school last night so my holds were removed. I start my newest class, Sociology 101, on Tuesday.
  • I got on the elliptical today. I'm in a good mood. "Endorphines make you happy. Happy people don't just shoot their husbands."

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Humidity 100%

You'd think a vacation would be just that--a vacation. It has been anything but.

I'm seriously stressed out right now. My anxiety is so high, I feel like I'm doped up on caffeine and ready to pass out. My heart is reacing, my hands are shaking, I have the jitters so bad my eyes can't focus even with my glasses on, and if I lay down, my body starts to shiver. I'm on the verge of tears every 5 seconds.

I guess I should explain. Everything was perfectly fine when we got here. No problems at all. Until J and I started discussing my science class, that I am failing, and gave up on, and the amount of money I owe the school. Of course if this doesn't get paid, I do not get my VA education benefits that are paying our bills. At the same time, we just don't have 1k to spend on school. I don't owe this money because I failed my class. This is just what I owe after a year at the school. J, however, still blames me. No matter how hard I try and explain ANYTHING to him, I'm an asshole and it's all my fault.

My sister accidently caught my mom's kitchen on fire. I cut my hand yesterday, trying to clean the bits of glass off of the stove that exploded from the microwave. To top that off, my sister, and my friend, Juanita, were in a car wreck last night and are both in the hospital. I was up until 2 or 3 in the morning on the phone with everyone since I couldn't go anywhere. With my anxiety the way it is, I can't operate heavy machinery, and J and his mom had been drinking, so they couldn't take me.

I am so tired of life. No matter where I go, it seems like life just keeps shitting on my parade. It's not even raining, it is just flinging poo from the sidelines.

Just keeping my family in prayer. That's all I can do now.

Saturday, May 07, 2011

Happy Mother's Day to Me.

I know it's early, by a couple of hours, really, but I'm determined to have a good day. I have been so down and irritable lately, I NEED to get my ass in gear. Tomorrow will be a productive day, and I WILL spend it with my children, all three of my incredibly wonderful children.

If you don't already know, I have three daughters.

Lily Anna was born 12/26/05 at 11:52 PM, eight days after her due date, after 17 hours in the hospital, and an emergency cesarean because she entangled herself in her cord. She was 21 in.; 7 lbs., 11 oz. and had so much hair, I could put bows in it the day she was born. She is currently 5-and-a-half-years-old and is amazingly brilliant. She self-taught herself how to eat with a spoon, potty-training, and tying her shoes. Her favorite colors are green and pink. She loves to sing to the radio, pray, and pretend she is a princess. She is incredibly tall, at 3.5 feet, scrawny at 42 lbs., but wearing 6/7 sized clothing and a whopping size 13 shoe. She likes to read her Magic School Bus books to her little sisters and is a big help around the house. Her current favorite hobby is loom-knitting. She is my sensitive child in the sense that she is constantly seeking approval. She is my social butterfly and seems dependent on what others think about her.

Iris Marie was born 10/26/07 at 8:37pm, five days after her due date, after 26 hours of labor in the hospital, via cesarean for lack of progress. She was 20 in; 7 lbs, 9 oz, and also had a good head of hair, just not as thick as her older sister's. She is currently 3-and-a-half-years-old, , and even though she has surprised us multiple times with how bright she is, she doesn't have a care in the world. If the world were on fire around her, she'd be the one sitting in a corner entertaining herself while everything around her was in chaos. She is incredibly quiet, being shy and speaking softly. She seems to naturally chose 'speak softly and carry a big stick' as a personal motto. Her favorite colors are purple and brown. She loves music, dirt, picking flowers, and wishes she was a boy. She is 36 lbs, and exactly 3' tall, with her dainty size 8 shoe. She is my emotional child. Though not really sensitive in the sense of dependency, her emotions range on the extreme. When she is happy, she is very happy; when sad, she is very sad. She is my little drama queen.

Rose was born 07/31/09 at 7:31 am, two weeks after her due date, via cesarean since I was already at 42 weeks and she wasn't budging. She was 21 in; 7 lbs, 15oz and had as much hair as her eldest sister, but twice as curly. She is currently over a year-and-a-half, reaching 2 in just two or so months, and crazy. Did I mention she is crazy? Her favorite pasttimes include screaming, fighting, and hitting things with other things. She seems to be the most bilingual of all my children, being able to recognize certain phrases in Spanish quicker than her sisters. Though she refuses to talk much (her sisters keep talking for her) she is very smart and refuses to be bossed around by anyone -- complete disregard for authority.

These are my three daughters, children I named after flowers; my garden. But the fact that I carried them for 9+ months and had them ripped out of my womb isn't what makes me a mom to them. Any woman can do that. The times I stayed up all night because of fevers or teething or both is a reason. The times I was 8 or so months pregnant and Lily had an accident while Iris had a nightmare all at the same time and everyone was crying and my husband slept through the entire thing is a reason. The tantrums, the pinching, the pushing, the headlocks, the fish-hooking, the fighting I had to break-up so many times I can no longer keep count are reasons. The recitals I attended, the lessons I taught, the heart-to-hearts, the hugs and kisses, the trips to the park to play, to the library to learn, to the store to browse and observe, and the nights they slept snuggled against my chest, those are the reasons that make me a mom.

I'm not a perfect mom. Not even close. To this day, almost six years after having my first child, I still have a lot to learn and a lot to change for the better. I regret choices I made in the past, and will probably continue to do so after all is said and done, but know that at that present time I did what I thought was the right thing to do. I've had mistakes, I've had triumphs, and I've had downright failures, but the fact that my children still come to me when they need me lets me know that they love me and accept me. The fact that if I fall down in tears from a stressful day and all of them come to hug me, I know I've done something right.

So here's to all imperfect mothers and their beautiful and perfect children, even the ones they raised that someone else gave birth to. Have a wonderful and blessed mother's day. Enjoy today spending it with the ones who helped you become the great mother that you are. <3

Thursday, May 05, 2011

clouds never go behind the sun

I am sick.
I've been on the verge of vomiting all day. So much so, that J, bless him, canceled his job interview so that I wouldn't have to be alone with the girls feeling like this. I was willing to suck it up, but he told me no.

I think it's mostly depression and anxiety that have me like this. I cried a lot last night. I've been on the verge of tears for the past week or so, being unable to talk to anyone about my problems, or even think about them without a few escaping while I do. For example, today I called a bunch of animal shelters and almost started crying when I was explaining why I had to give my cats away.

Yesterday I had a job interview. I think it actually went well, after the fact that I kept tearing up and had to wipe my face a couple of times explaining to the manager my situation. It was for a life insurance company, and they need agents. However, I am not licensed to sell insurance and would have to go to a class that would cost me $100 and then pay $60 to get the actual license after taking the test. You already know I don't have any money. So I teared up trying to think of a way this could work. Joan, the manager, told me she was looking for a secretary and would call me to set up another interview specifically for that. So, fingers are crossed for that. I would only be making about $200/wk but that's more than the $0 I'm making now.


I'm struggling in staying afloat emotionally, but I'm managing it. I am no longer seeing a psychologist and haven't done so in 3 and a half months. I haven't had an antidepressant in over two years. This is me. This is my disease, and this is me dealing with it. It's hard. I can easily fall apart at any moment, but I'm strong and have the support of my husband and my children. I am motivated. I will beat this and I will come out on top. I just need one day to cry it all out, really cry it out.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

Circle Jerk

So I finally talked to J about the money I owe my school. At first I thought it was owed because of the failed classes I have, but in reality, It would have been a LOT more than that if it were. My classes are about 800$ after their military discount, so I would have had to owe much more. What I realized is that I will probably owe one grand at the end of every year. Unfortunately, since I realized this NOW, I have absolutely no money saved up, as I ended up using all of my savings and everything in my bank account for bills. *sigh.* J says we will have to pay, since we currently need my VA, but to do that, that means we have to dip into his savings, which is meant for the mortgage payments. *sigh* When it rains it pours. Life is just one big circle jerk. So, to make up for it, instead of getting the tattoos I wanted, which we put aside for and is almost a grand, we'll use that money. I was really hoping to finally add my irises and roses to the bouquet of lilies, but I guess that will just have to wait for a while. I mean, I already waited almost 4 years; what's another year?

Things I need to do before I move:
o Deep clean loveseat
o deep clean blue couch
o deep clean blue chair
o clean and sort through craft room
o sort through children's toys
o sort through books
o deep clean futon
o sort through clothing
o clean this goddamn house
o hold garage sale?

o pets
----vaccinate Gary and Jules on Friday of this week, donate them w/ Nam to shelter by Wed/Thurs of next week. (If any of them have room.)
o furniture:
----blue couch
----matching chair
----drop leaf dining table and chairs
----extra dining table
----toddler bed
o miscellaneous
----80% of the toys (donate to children's hospital)
----clothing that does not fit and has not been worn in the past 3 years.

*Must discuss other things with husband.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


OK, so before I forget, last week was our monthly weigh in. I haven't lost any weight, I am still at 143lbs, but I have been gaining muscle and losing inches! I lost an inch in my chest, arms, hips, and calves. Gained an inch in my thighs, but I think that's where most of the muscle is going to as I've been doing a lot of jogging. And the best part for me? I lost TWO INCHES IN MAI WAIST. This is fantastic! I've been sick the past few days so I didn't go to the gym, but I've had so much more stamina, and I have this love/hate relationship with my trainer, so I know he's doing a great job, especially with the results I'm getting.

I hope to be in the 130s by July. I'm stuck at 143, yes, but again, my thighs are full of awesome now. I've been doing squats every day for the past week. I used to not do them at all! Today I ran six laps around the gym. I actually RAN. (Usually I walk/jog for an hour) I hated every minute of it and felt like I was dying, but it was totally worth it. I was able to add that cardio to my regular strength training, which included squats, lifts, crunches, and curls, intermittenly. Tonight, I think I'm going to jump on our stationary bike and do my homework while pedaling. Being distracted really helps in staying with the exercise.

In other news....

I've been VERY depressed the past week or so. I could chalk it up to the fact that I've been sick, but I know it's much more than that. I've just been so stressed and worried about our future and everything that it entails, my mind can't process. The good thing, though, is that Mercury is no longer in retrograde, so my brain has stopped being stupid. It's a lot easier for me to express myself these past couple of days.
I had to have a talk with Lily about this. She has been a terror the past month or so, and it has a lot to do with how I've been treating her. She is a lot more senstive than I realized and I had to sit down with her and explain to her that I really do love her, it's just that I have a lot of going on in my head that makes me forget to tell her and show her just how much. So she and I made a deal. Whenever she feels neglected, she needs to tell me, so that we can spend a bit of one-on-one. It goes both ways. I will now tell her when I am feeling "very sad" so that we can hug it out. I know it sounds super cliché and almost kitschy, but it's the only solution I have that works for us. She and I are very physical people and sometimes we just want to be held.


I am so incredibly broke. I just checked my bank account to see if I could pay my trash bill, which is 45$, and I found that I only $7.38 *sigh* I'm going to go crawl into a small hole now. Well, it could be worse.

Monday, April 25, 2011


After reminiscing with my husband, I miss my sexual encounters with females... Don't get me wrong, I very much love my husband, but sometimes I wish he had tits. He would make a very attractive girl. I know this as fact. He likes to wear my dresses and play with my make-up when he is bored and wants a laugh from the girls. I do his hair (I am his hairdresser.) I actually think that's the main reason why I find him physically attractive; he's androgynous in appearance.

I needs female sexual healing. <3

Friday, April 22, 2011

If it's not one thing, it's another

I don't know what I'm going to do. I received an email earlier today from my financial advisor telling me that I owe my school $1075 and that I need to pay it up-front. The problem is that I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY, and if I don't pay, my account will be put on hold and I can't continue my classes. If I don't continue my classes, VA won't send me money. You know, the money I've been using to pay BILLS. I tried to explain this to her, but she informed me that the VA benefits were for education and that I should have used them for that. She's letting me finish my current class, but I don't know how I'm going to find money to pay this off. I'm already broke as it is. The end of the school year is nigh and I'm not going to be called any time soon. I think tomorrow I'm going to have to go to the gas station and beg for a job. Seriously. Or start a "help Vonnie go to school" fund. *sigh* If it's not one thing, it's another.

I haven't told J yer, mostly because I'm embarassed. I'm ashamed that I failed these two classes. I wouldn't have been owing my school this much if I hadn't failed one of my history and on of my english classes. Everything else I have passed, but being married to Mr. 4.0 is a little hard when you have to own up about that. He knows I failed my history class, but not about the English one. He also knew I owed the school 750 from the History class, but not that it's gone up significantly since. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could ask my mom if I could borrow a grand, but that's not fair to her. I'd eventually pay her back, yes, but still.

I feel like I'm falling apart.

Saturday, April 16, 2011


FYI. I would just like to state, that if you read any recent posts by me, whether here or on FB, and they seem incoherent and just downright stranger than usual, it's probably because I am drunk, high, or both.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011


So it's settled...
Next week I'm getting a couple of girl friends to join me in helping me clean and pack up the house. I have about a good month or two before I need to get the major stuff taken care of. We leave for Texas with most of our stuff at the end of May and will be there for the last two weeks of that month. (15-28)

I'm torn on how I'm supposed to feel about this. Sometimes I'm super psyched, other times, I'm so bummed it's hard for me not to burst into tears.

Monday, March 21, 2011


I've been very down the last couple of days. After paying most of my debt, I guess it released a bunch of pent-up stress that I spent the whole night crying. Yesterday, I was so depressed I was immobile. I let the girls watch a bunch of TV (which I normally would not do since I want them to use their minds to tell stories not have someone tell it to them.) and just lay on the floor staring at the ceiling. I canceled my archery lesson and tried, for most of the day, not to burst into tears.

Trying to stay positive is ioncredibly draining. I wish things would get easier now. This waiting game is stressing me out!

Saturday, March 19, 2011


Read the title of this post as if you were Charlie Sheen.

I seriously feel like a large weight has just lifted off my shoulders. Our tax return came through on Friday, so today, I paid the debt collectors online, IN FULL. All $3,336 that I owed them has been paid and now I only have to worry about the 1,000 that has yet to be paid to the hospitals from this year. Part of what I needed to do to join the military was to pay off old debt. My recruiter said that in this economy, we are all bound to have debt, but if I had too much that spanned for quite some time (in my case, five years), then it would be a problem. I need my credit to not look like someone took a financial chain saw to it. So, I'll be calling the hospitals this Monday and asking them if they have a payment plan option (which they do) at a discount for broke peoples (like me).

Things bought:
J bought us a new stationary bike. It's foldable and lightweight, so we'd be able to tote it around the house. A new desk was bought for Rose, who keeps stealing one of her sisters' desks. It's like musical chairs when it's time to sit down, except one child is usually screaming because she has to sit on the floor.

Things going to buy:
I bought a bunk bed frame for cheap off of the classifieds in the paper not too long ago and need a twin mattress for it. Lily is has grown out of the toddler bed and Rose has been using Lily's toddler bed during nap time. Rose has been wanting to stay out of her crib for the past four months now. The great thing about the frame is that I can just set up half of it instead of the whole thing. If things don't pan out the way we hope with me in the USAF, then we'd move in with my MIL. She already has 2 twin mattresses. We don't want to bring in two more just to shove them in storage. Also, I don't trust Iris and Lily in bunk beds JUST yet; I'll wait until Iris is about 5.

If we have money for it, J and I will also be getting new tattoos. I've been waiting for this for YEARS, but we just never had the funds for it. I hope to add BOTH irises and roses to my bouquet of lilies, but just the irises can do for now if we can't spend too much. The lilies are already in white, so I'll probably do the same with these.

The rest of the money is staying to use as mortgage payments until I a. am a soldier or b. file for bankruptcy. But I'm positive that all of this will pan out. <3

Wednesday, March 09, 2011


I feel so very old. In less than three months I'll be 25 years old and I feel like I've seen more than my years should allow.

I am so tired. So very tired of this life that I have been living. I'm broke beyond belief. I wish I could say it was due to frivoulous spending, that all my money got me high and fancy things, but all my money went to bills and keeping us stable. J still hasn't found work, no matter how hard he tries. He was denied an extension on his unemployment. His unemployment was what was paying the mortgage.
So many debt collectors keep calling me. I've stopped answering my phone. So many of my *stupid* friends keep calling me over their petty drama. I don't answer the phone for them either. I just don't care. I have more SERIOUS shit to worry about. The impending bankruptcy and homelessness my family will face in a few months if I'm not accepted into the military is a little more important than what your S.O. did or did not do. Oh, boo-hoo, he's hurt your feelings. Again. For the umpteenth time...for the past FIVE YEARS. I just don't care. Now, don't get me wrong, I do care about my friends. You can come to me for advice, but if I give you my advice, you either take it or leave it, not ignore it completely and keep asking me for the same damn advice over the same damn situation. I WILL stop answering. The first time, I'll happily give you my advice. The second time, I'll remind you. The third time, I will be annoyed and give you nothing. The fourth, fifth, and sixth time, fuck you. I have more important things to worry about. After a couple of weeks of me not taking your calls, I'll calm down and reconsider.
LIFE SUCKS RIGHT NOW. I'm failing my current class. I don't know how we'll pay the mortgage these next few months. I love my moms, but I DO NOT want to have to resort to that. I LIKE being able to say that I have my own mortgage and own my own car and can take care of my kids and my husband is awesome and that I don't depend on my parents to bail me out every month. I pride myself in being in my mid-twenties and being independent. Is this punishment for that pride? Is this a test for my humility? Must I humble myself and seek my faith within to better deal with life? Have I gotten too lazy and comfortable, bloated and swollen from gorging the comforts of life? I hate working my ass off and having everything taken away.
On a lighter side, in the past month and a half that I have been going to the gym, I lost 4 pounds. I'll learn more about what else I lost next week when we do our monthly measurements. I'm hoping the reason that I have only lost a few pounds is because I lost more in body fat and gained a bit of muscle. I even quit smoking and drinking to better my lifestyle. Fingers crossed.
Now to drown this depression with awesomeness. I'm going to read a book.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

a good friend of mine has been in the ICU for the past few days; he had a heart-attack.
i owe over 3000$ in medical debt.
our water heater busted last night; just split open.
j is still unemployed.
i haven't been called to work in a month.
i feel like my world is falling apart.
i have not had a restful night's sleep in a long time.
the love for my children and my faith is what's keeping me sane.
i'm tired of people calling me over their PETTY drama. i'm on the verge of bankruptcy and being homeless; i don't care about their same-shit-different-day bullshit.
i think i'm going to have me a few days of silence for internal contemplation.
i don't want to be here. it's time to regroup.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Purge. Breathe.

So, since I plan to join the military, I need to get rid of a lot of things for whenever we leave her and get stationed somewhere. Even if that plan falls through, we will end up filing for bankruptcy and leaving anyway. I need to figure out homes for the pets, but that won't be for a short while. Right now I just have too much crap in this house.

I don't plan on having any more children any time soon. I've been actively tracking my menstrual cycle online and have made sure that I am careful at all times. Becoming pregnant would be pretty counter-productive at this point. Since I have so much baby stuff saved up from my three children, I will purge what is no longer in use. Rose is currently in 24 mth clothing. Anything from 0-18 months is going to my friend Rei. She just had a baby girl a couple of weeks ago and hasn't stocked up on girl clothes, which I have PLENTY of. I'm giving a bath to my neighbors along with any clothes that are relatively boyish. After I'm done with all of that I have to sort through the ridiculous amount of toys we have and get rid of them. I hope to have been rid of 5 large black garbage bags full of toys. Maybe I can give some to my friends' babies?

So much to do. So little time. I just bought new clothes to do Yoga in for tomorrow. I hope I make it. I need to wake up early if I want to have everything done in time.

Thursday, February 10, 2011


These are goals that I am trying to achieve. Each has a listed time frame and what I am doing to achieve said goal.

  • Lose 40lbs (withiin 6 months)
I recently joined a gym at the end of January. It's only been a week and I've lost 3 lbs. If I keep this up, I should lose the amount needed. I've been using to track my exercises and food intake. So far so good.

  • Join the military (in 6 months)
I have stopped going to counseling to make this happen. I have to be out of it for at least 6 months. Come August, it will be almost 7 months.

  • Get a BA degree in History and English (since 2010--4 years)
I go to Ashford and so far have 21 or so credits. I should graduate within the next 3 years. I will have attended AU for a year next month.

  • Get a MA in Theology (from 2014--2 years)
[see above]

  • Become military clergy (after 6 years)
The guidelines to become clergy in the military are as so: you need to be an officer. To have officer rank, you need a BA or BS. To become clergy you need at least 2 years of religious leadership experience (which I do) and an MA in Theology. [see above]

  • Clean and organize my entire house (within 3 months)
My house is a WRECK. I've been doing the little rooms first to work my way up. OH MY GOSH WHY DO I HAVE SO MUCH SHIT.

Friday, January 21, 2011


So I went to the recruiter. Right now, joining the military is a no-go. One thing they look at in the medical records is whether or not one has been through phsyciatric therapy for whatever reason. One has to NOT be in therapy for at LEAST 6 months. I went on Tuesday. *sigh* I understand why this has to be. With so many soldiers going out to war, they have to make sure that they are sending out kids who aren't going to immediately end up with PTSD. The fact that I haven't been on medication for over two years though is a plus! :) Six months. That's how much time I have.

I'm keeping positive with this. This is something I really want and am willing to work hard for. In these next 6 months I'll be making sure I have done everything in my power to get this. We will be saving up as much as we can and paying off any debts we have. (I have a couple grand in medical bills and classes to pay for.) I will continue with my education, so that I can show them I am dedicated and advance in rank. (I already have more than the 20 credits they require for the advancement.) I will exercise daily, upping my daily challenge on DDR, so that I can be in shape for BMT (basic military training). I want good credit, awesome credit hours, and stamina to make this work. The counseling will continue, but off-record.

My bestie, Mary, has her BS in Psychology. She is working on her MS in that area as well and is prepping herself to become a life-coach. I have offered to be her guinea pig. :) It's a win-win situation if you ask me. I get regular counseling (for FREE and off-record) and she gets experience in her desired field.

I'm pumped. I'm super jazzed. Now that I have a goal in mind, I don't feel depressed as much. I think the reason why I was so down was because I felt that my life had no meaning. I was wandering around aimlessly for a WHILE, just hoping, praying, things would work out without any real plan. Now that I have made a light at the end of this tunnel, I can work toward attaining it. I've been actively working on through my crisis plan and currently feel awesome.

I was super bummed yesterday. I let my recruiter know that I had only been going to therapy as a maintenance procedure. I let him be aware that I was molested as a child and damn near killed by my husband as an adult. I wasn't a naturally damaged person, I was just damaged because of the cards I was dealt. It wasn't fair that the actions of others held me back from living a normal mental health. He was sympathetic, but helpful. I know what I have to do. I'm ready. I'm doing this.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


I started a little meme on Facebook about random facts about oneself. Here are my random facts, just to have as a list if ever anyone decided to ask.

Fact #18: My stepdad was an asshole (abusive) and my bio-dad was never there. The only parent in my life has been my mom, and though she drives me crazy, I still think she's awesome.

Fact #17: I haven't dyed my hair in 5 years.

Fact #16: I am jack of all trades, and master of none. Any skill I have acquired over the years is mediocre at best. I got skills, though. Mad skills.

Fact #15: My husband dresses me. He and my mom buy my clothes. If I dressed myself, I'd resemble an acid trip or something out of an 80s music video.

Fact #14: I am shy when I *first* meet people.

Fact #13: I have an oral fixation that I have been taming with cigarettes since I was 13. Before then, I chewed on everything.

Fact #12: I have a fascination with breasts. No matter what size or shape they are I.must.touch.them. I grope myself frequently because of this.

Fact #11: I must stay active even when being "still." I jiggle my legs when I sit; I sway when I stand

fact #10: I must be standing to cut something. Teachers constantly asked me if I wanted to sit down when doing arts and crafts because I had to do everything standing up.

Fact #9: In my child and teen years I read adult fiction. In my adult years, I read teen fiction. :)

Fact #8: If I buy a book from a series, every book in that series must have the same style binding, i.e. all paperback. In my shelves Harry Potter and House of Night is all paperback, while all of Twilight is hardback.

Fact #7: In my 24yrs of life, I've tried to commit suicide twice (once when I was 12, the other when I was 18) and failed both times because I didn't do it right.

Fact #6: I have electronic fail. I've broken almost every computer we have ever owned.

Fact #5: I had a sticker collection between ages 9 and 13 that ended with over 4000 stickers.

Fact #4: I can only eat an even number of anything, such as 2 m&m's or 6 marshmallows, etc.

Fact #3: My bestie, Andy, calls me "oak bark" due to one night looking through Scentsy products and talking about the colors of vaginas.

Fact #2: English, my primary language, is actually my 2nd language.

Fact #1: I think clowns are scary. I really, really, really, REALLY don't like clowns.

Stuff And Things

I have a set date to talk to a recruiter. I will head out to the Air Force recruiter, or at least one of them, in Omaha on Thursday at 1:30. I plan on taking my ASVAB some time next week. I'm really psyched about this. I remember how much fun I had in JROTC. Granted, I know it wasn't hard-core or anything, but I was loving every minute of it. Also, I am hot in a uniform. ;)

I went to a new psychologist today and we made a crisis plan. I really don't think I need it, but I was honest with her on how I feel. It would be nice to just continue for now just so that I can vent to an unbiased flesh-and-blood person. I love writing here, but it's never enough. She at least understood, kind of, my need for not wanting meds. I really, really, REALLY hate being on medication. My next appointment with her is next Tuesday.

I need to get in shape, at least in some sort of shape that is not LAZY. I know ROUND is a shape, but not the shape I need, so I pulled out the DDR mat and played it for 15 minutes on the free workout mode. I set my goal for 150 and burned 172 cals for tonight. I'm setting my goal for 250 tomorrow.

I'm pumped. I haven't felt this good in a while. One thing on my crisis plan was to try scheduling time for every activity. Since I'm currently avoiding calls for work due to my bronchitis, I need to plan my days first thing. Maybe I'll just do it in a minute. I really need to get my life in order. One thing at a time, though.

One step at a time...

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I passed my last class. I don't know how, but I did. Barely. I have a D, but that's better than nothing. It means I now have 27 credits under my belt. It means that when I join the military, I have the chance of advancing in rank faster. I wish I already had a degree so that I could join as an officer and become clergy.

I feel ill today. Jittery. I feel like I'm running on a caffeine high. I'm exhausted, though. I stayed up until 2 in the morning with my youngest, who is sick and miserable, so I cuddled with her until she relaxed enough to fall back to sleep. My heart is racing and I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Things to do today. Life changing things. I have an appointment with a new psychologist today as well as going to see a recruiter. I'm thinking of buying my husband an anniversary gift while I'm out. Our 6yr is in a week and I have nothing.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Rebuild Me

I'm fidgety.
I can't concentrate.
I want to escape,
to leave,
to go somewhere else
with no one to bother me.
I have been very depressed the past few weeks.
To be honest,
I've been depressed for the past few months.
I can't stand my husband.
I want nothing to do with my children.
I hate this house.
I've been avoiding calls to work.
I've not been doing my homework.
My apathy toward everything is beginning to get to me.
I don't care whether I graduate or not.
I don't care if my children or husband love me.
I dare care about the dog
or all of our damned cats.
I just want to sleep.
I am so done with this life.
The main reason for wanting to join the military,
the only reason I tell anyone who asks,
is because my family needs the money,
needs the benefits.
The other reason,
the reason that I have only mentioned to a close friend,
and am now mentioning to you,
is that I feel empty.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of this life
and so very tired of these feelings.
I want something else.
I want to prove myself.
I want to be a new me,
someone that I don't hate so much.
I abhor the person that I've become.
I hate how she despises being around those she loves.
I hate how she doesn't care about what she looks like,
an overweight mess.
I hate it.
I'm already a week behind in school work,
yet I just don't care.
I just want to be broken down,
Have my entire being,
what I've become,
taken away.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Last Resort

Next Thursday it will 7 months since my husband was laid off. We are struggling and it is becoming frustating. I am depressed. I have pushed away from my family, prefering being on the computer where no real interaction has to occur, keeping my distance from my husband and my children. I have very little skills. The skills I do have are not enough to get me a job that pays more than minimum wage. I have three small children, a mortgage, and a car loan to pay off. My husband and I are both going to school, and even though the girls have state medical insurance and we are on Food Stamps and WIC, my husband and I do not have medical insurance. I currently have bronchitis. I feel like shit and it hurts to breathe. I'm sick of not being able to buy what I need, making sacrifices so that my children don't notice the rammifications of their father being unemployed and their mother not being able to make enough to take care of them.

I'm at a crossroads. I've decided to lose some weight (just a few pounds, I'm not past the limit) and get better. I can't live like this anymore; WE can't live like this anymore. We are in so much debt, not because we have been frivoulous, on the contrary, we are extremely frugal, but because we are young, with children, and have many bills to pay. My husband has excellent skills, and yet he still can't get a job. He can't go back into the military because he was kicked out. The idea of the military was the last resort, and that's where I come in. I'm, for the most part, healthy. I can join. I wish to be a part of something that my children can look up to me for. I'm horribly useless in this house in this state. We need the money, we need the benefits, and J would be able to stay home with the children just like he always wanted and I get to take care of them financially just like I always wanted. It's a win-win in my head. Am I delusional?

If I am able to join, I'm not sure, due to the constant popping of my knees and the fact that I'm FAT ;), I hope to become clergy. I love the idea of it, and technically am through the Hosannah Bible Institute, but I would like to help people in a spiritual sense. (I suck at helping with anything else.) I'm actually pretty jazzed about the idea. I'd miss my family terribly for two whole months, but I'd get in shape and get paid and be able to take care of my family, which is extremely important to me. I have my fingers crossed. I'll be calling a recruiter Tuesday.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I don't know if I passed my last class. Good lord, I really hope I did.
First off, let me remind you that I am currently both and English AND History major. After failing my European History class, I decided to put that in the back seat and focus more on literature and writing...two of my favorite pasttimes.

My intro to lit class started yesterday. I don't know what to think about it yet. It's already been a pain in the ass for me for, though the learning materials for the class were free, they are only available on the campus website. I had to download the book BY CHAPTERS, which was incredibly annoying. I hate that I have to read it on the laptop. I would print it out, but that is a LOT of paper and I don't want to waste perfectly good ink and paper on something I am only going to use for this class.

My teacher has requested that we all keep a journal for this class to write down our thoughts of the topics of this class. I've decided to just type everything here and whenever she needs it, I can always link it or copy+paste.

IT'S FUCKING COLD HERE. The weather was so terrible on the IA/NE border that I have been staying at my friend Mary's house since Saturday. It's been good times. The whole family is here.

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Goals for 2011

I hope to wish everyone a very happy and prosperous new year.
Below are my goals for this new year. This list is incomplete; I wish to add to it when I have more time.
  • lose 20lbs by June (short term)
  • lose 40lbs by December (long term)
  • I currently weigh 140-145lbs, so I think the span of time of losing it all to get down to a reasonable BMI is, well, reasonable. I am only 5ft tall and being this big and unhealthy is causing me a lot of health issues and pain.
  • grow out hair
  • I have not had my hair go past my shoulders since I was 16 years old. I chopped it off into a cute layered bob then and never went back. The longest it's been was to my shoulders, with the shortest being a shaved head. I would like it to be as long and as curly as it was when I was 13 and 14 years old.
  • continue spiritual journey
  • I post-poned my year and a day training due to the holidays and will pick it back up when I've resettled in my home.
  • pass all classes
  • I've been struggling, but I know I can do this. I WANT my college degree.
  • talk to family more, specifically Dad and David (brother)
  • I talk to my dad once in a blue moon, and my brother even less. David is broke, has no internet, no phone, and a wife and child to take care of. I understand his stresses and wish we would communicate more. For 13 years of my life I only knew of him, I don't want that to happen to my children. I want them to know their uncle. Maybe one day we could go to Puerto Rico and visit my side of the family.
  • clean the entirity of house
  • My gods, my house is a WRECK.
  • create sacred space in craft room
  • The craft room is even worse. I would like to have a place where I can worship without being interrupted. I would like to share this area with others as well. I hope to one day create my own spiritual group. Not really a church or coven, but a circle of like-minded friends who can worship together in a space specifically created for that purpose.
  • organize and purge
  • Have I mentioned my house is a wreck?
  • get truck fixed
  • It's been broken for 2 years. My neighbor has been helping out on this.
  • spend more time with children
  • I've been ignoring them lately. I love them to death by they raise my blood pressure and give me such a headache......regardless, I am their mother and need to be a better one.
  • do more crafts
  • do a craft fair
  • Mostly so I can make a little money on the side
  • get more tattoos
  • I have a tattoo dedicated to myself (tinker bell--yes, that is TWO words), one to my husband (butterfly), and another, lilies, to my oldest. I would like to add more; roses for Rose, irises for Iris, and a triquetra for my spirituality.
  • learn French
  • I would like to get past colors, numbers, days of the week, months, and seasons. I think my five-year-old knows more French than I do.
  • Reduce debt by at least 20%
  • I wish I could reduce debt by at least 100%. Seriously.