Thursday, August 29, 2013

Someone Hold Me to Sleep

I'm lonely. I hate sleeping in this bed alone. I'd like a cuddle buddy. I remember laying in bed with an old girlfriend of mine; she was soft and warm, and I haven't felt that in what seems like a long time. Sometimes I wish I was some sort of addict so I could drown my sorrows in something, but I don't like booze, and hate drugs. The other times I dream of overdosing.

Get your shit together, Vonnie.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

One Day or Another

These past few months have been pretty hectic. There have been many life changes since the last time I posted.

1. In April I was hospitalized for the third time in a year, this time for 2 weeks, where I was put on stronger medication.

2. From the middle of April through the end of June I attended an outpatient program. It left me with a sense of clarity I hadn't had in a long time.

3. CPS had me move out of my apartment by July 1. I had a case that had started back in November and was closed in June. They found me unsafe without supervision so I was no longer allowed overnight stays. I stayed with my mom and sister for a little while until I found a roommate in Austin 10 minutes away from J and the kids. Thank you craigslist.

4. I've changed my medication twice since April. Nothing is working as it should, it has made me gain so much weight I got up to 185 lbs, and I've been so frustrated with it that I haven't taken anything in a month. My symptoms have been relatively mild, thanks to the minimal stress I've had, but this isn't going to last for very long. I meet with my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks to change my medication again.

5. On July 30, J and I divorced. With my mental health and the CPS case, we thought it best to split. We are still on good terms, though I still think he has a serious superiority complex.

6. My weekends are full. I have custody of the kids from Friday night until Sunday night.

7. I'm finally getting out of the fort I built to protect myself and making friends (ones that aren't imaginary). I joined a few groups on Meetup and have made a couple of friends. I have monthly meetings with the Yew Grove UU Pagans and the North Austin Pagans. I meet with knitters and crocheters every Tuesday and Friday.

8. My whole world has been upside-down since summer of 2011. I think it's finally beginning to turn upright again. I worry every day I'm going to fall apart again.