Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Happy Yule
and other winter holidays

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

So I've come to the conclusion of getting a divorce. It just came to me. At first I thought that there was no real logic behind it, just an excuse to get out of the situation, but in all honesty, I don't want to be with J. I love him, yes. No matter what he thinks or says about me, I will always love him. But love is not enough. I don't trust him. I don't like him. I don't think I will ever forgive him for what he's done.

I have not forgiven my stepdad for sexually and physically abusing me, and he's been dead for five years. I have not forgiven my father for making me feel like I wasn't loved, even though he's aware of it and has asked for forgiveness. So what would make me forgive my husband for strangling me and jeapordising the life of my child and I? Nothing. I'd be unhappy.

So forgive me if I'm being selfish by thinking of myself, but with all these negative feelings toward a person, what is the point of staying married. I know J wanted us to try and save our marriage. But even he says that I am a bad person for one reason or another and the only reason he hasn't bailed out is because he loves me. I just don't understand the logic behind that.

Throughout this whole situation I've rarely spoken ill of him. Most people think I'm crazy for even wanting to talk to him, but I just didn't have it in my heart to make him out to be a bad person. He's just a guy who's made mistakes. But he continues to twist my words around, leaving me incapable of explaining my feelings. I'm overwhelmed as is with Lily on the way. I wasn't ready to be married. And I still am not. I'm not trying to make him the bad guy, but I'm not the bad guy either. Am I wrong for wanting to be happy even if it means leaving my husband behind? I never said he was wrong for wanting his family back. Not once did I say he was wrong for feeling the way he did, he just assumed that's what I thought.

I can't keep doing this. I don't know if it's my fault or his, but we're running around in circles and getting nowhere fast. I think this is the best thing, no matter how much it hurts.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

I married a bratty idiot.

The more we argue, the more he acts like a child, and the more I get frustrated, the more I realise that he is not ready. I normally do not speak ill of him, but today, I just can't help it.

J's hearing was Friday morning, shortly before my appointment with the obstetrician, so I called to see what the sentencing was. I was unable to speak to him until after my appointment, however, as my phone seemed to be ringing continuously from several different things. One- I finally talked to the legal office on base to file my compensation under URGENT as it has taken them almost 2 months to even finish signing the papers and, according to my doctor, am due to give birth in about a week. Two- My Medicaid insurance is all kinds of messed up from something to do with my maiden/married name and they are also still showing Tricare as my primary insurance when I have not been insured by them since October. Three- the probation office called just to let me know that J's hearing was that day and that even though they did not have all the information from the judge yet, they had a rough estimate. Long story short, eighteen months probation with six months of Domestic Violence education classes along with anger management, AA, daily phone calls to check about drug tests, monthly probation check-ups, some more things, and a $300 fine.

So, after extensive thought that night, I came to the conclusion that financially and emotionally, my husband is not ready for a family. He believes that even though he's staying with two roommates in a small duplex apartment while sleeping on a couch (and having 18 months of probation), he can fit spouse and infant child in the picture because he has a decent-paying job. That has no logic behind it, and yet he doesn't seem to understand that.

When I was speaking to him last night, I asked if he could come visit sometime during January. Without thought, he said no. I understand the holidays, but why no in January? He said that having to ask permission from two entities (work and probation officer) very rarely would he get a yes from both. I am not in his situation, therefore I did not argue and left it at that. However, to my surprise, he asked why. "To see your daughter before she gets too big." He suddenly asked, "So wait, this means you don't want to be with me?" I was taken aback for a second. I hadn't really thought of it in that way, but in all honesty, it really was. So I said the truth, "at this moment in time, no." He was not the least bit happy. He asked when I was going to tell him, and I said that I had just come to this conclusion last night, and then, much to my chagrin, he hung up the phone like a bratty little child instead of discussing it further.

J doesn't get it. He just doesn't understand. And what saddens me more is the fact that I, the "childish" one, am thinking things much thoroughly than he, and handling our situations more like an adult than he has. I'm the only who is growing up, however slowly it may be, and he's still stuck in the same rut. He doesn't even realise the stupidity that comes out of his mouth or the childish nature he acts toward everything that isn't going his way.

I give up. I was hoping for that "happily-ever after," but I know I'm not going to get it. I am better off staying here with my mother, however pathetic or inadequate I feel, because it is where I am safe, cared for, and am assured that my daughter will never want or need. If my husband cannot see that, then there is no point. It will just be a waste of time and energy that I do not have. I am staying here and that's it. If he doesn't have the capacity of understanding that, then there's nothing I can do and it's his loss.

I'm done.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Had the interview this morning for state-funded health insurance. Both Lily and I are now covered and they were able to backdate it to when my original insurance had run out. Moments like this make me appreciate the government. Without it I would not have food or proper healthcare. Now all I must do is go first thing tomorrow morning to the office retrieve my new insurance card.

Physically I'm in serious pain. My hips feels as if they are trying to split my pelvis in two. My back is sore and body swollen; I've had lack of sleep from not being able to find a decent position to lay in. I'm left feeling exhausted and irratable. Emotionally I'm nervous about Thanksgiving. The concept of the holiday isn't what bothers me; my family and I have a hard time getting along during family gatherings. Holidays and get-togethers are always started and/or left with arguing. I love my family, but my mother and brother have the tendency to make things difficult. I translated my mother's Thanksgiving sermon from English to Spanish.

tainted love

I miss the life I had before all of this. I miss the people, how things were and the energy. I miss it all...

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

So I've come to realise that I'm still mad at him.

I had an interview today with a lady from the probation office. I had to retell what happened, share my feelings and tell her what I thought would be the best punishment for J. I thought it would be okay, but I still cried. I still had to stop and regain composure, but I fell apart all over again. The minute I hung up the phone I was in the bathroom sitting on the floor with my face in my shirt getting it all soggy. I'm still not over it.

I told her that all in all J was a good person who just made a really bad mistake. That he was young and only human. I told her I believed in second chances and that he deserved one...I just told her the truth. When she asked what I thought his sentencing should be I told her that I thought he was punished enough. When everything happened he was incarcerated for a week or two and lost everything he had worked so hard for. His hearing is on 2 Decemember.

I think the thing that bothers me the most right now is that I know he's sorry and I want to forgive him, but I just can't. I keep trying and I can't. I keep trying to put it behind me so I could move on, but it's still there. And no matter how hard I try I still get nightmares and I still get scared. I want it to go away but it hasn't. And then I want to hate him, but I can't and it makes it that much harder. If I could just hate him, then this whole situation would just be easier. I want to blame him for everything, but everything is not his fault. I want peace, but I can't find it and I'm mad at him for it. I'm so mad that it just won't go away.

I'm just so tired of breaking down. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like falling apart. I just wish I could fully forgive him right now so I wouldn't have to deal with this.

After my fit in the bathroom, I sent him an email of everything in this entry. He wants to know what's going on in my head, and since I'm horrible with communicating verbally, writing it all down is the next best thing. I'm exhausted from crying so much and I haven't been feeling well to begin with. I keep waiting for something more.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Things have changed in the past few months.

I've begun teaching Sunday school at my mother's church. It's going well and they like how we interact. I'm still in the teenage-state of mind, so it's a lot easier for me to understand what they say and for me to explain things to them. I'm really enjoying it. True, it's Christianity, and I'm as far from Christian as possible right now, but it's a learning experience. I'm trying to teach them to be open-minded. It makes life a lot easier for me, anyway.

Lily is due in a month. I'm very apprehensive. So many emotions keep running through my body and I am left feeling numb at the end of the day. Along with Mary Kay, I've started babysitting friends' children to earn some quick cash here and there. It's helping out a bit. I can do my little errands when I need to. I'm still scared, though. It’s very difficult sometimes. I keep trying to convince myself that everything will be okay, but the main people from whom I want the most support from have very little faith in me; it's makes it that much harder.

J and I have discussed a few things. I don't think I remember most of it. I have the tendency that if it's not written down, I will forget. But I do remember a few things. I don't think he understands pregnancy as much as he would like to believe. I told him Lily had hiccups and he actually said "I doubt it," because he thought it wasn't possible. I wonder if he realises he's not a pregnant female nor does he have a now weekly appointment with an obstetrician to check on fetal progress. I think I know a little bit more about our child than he. But I'm getting sidetracked.

There are times when I wish things were different. I've forgiven J to some extent. I will give him a chance. He is my husband and the father of my child, and he has shown progress on trying to find the right path in life. I, too, am trying to better myself as a human being. I haven't been able to continue my counseling sessions, as my insurance has run out and I must fix that later on this morning. However, even though I feel that I have forgiven him for the way he reacted and treated things, it's still a difficult process to try and put aside sometimes. I don't know if I'll ever truly get over it. My mother swears that he will always beat me out of anger, that he will always drink, and that he will always screw up our (he and my) lives. Then again, my mother, and the rest of the family for that matter, has never been truly supportive. Frankly, I think both my and his parents need to quit meddling because all they are doing is making matters worse. I'm truly exhausted from all this nonsense.

J wants to start anew somewhere else, somewhere fresh. I want to stay here. Not because I don't want the same, but because I am not yet ready. I have many things to work out that need time and whether he likes it or not, I refuse to budge. It's not that his feelings are irrelevant to me, but if he wants a decent marriage, he needs to realise that if I'm not ready, if either of us is not ready, the marriage will fall apart all over again, and this time, I'm not willing to go through that scenario again. I have a pregnancy that I will soon finish and an infant that I must soon take care of. Peace and tranquility is my main foundation to be able to function.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I will not be able to pursue what I had once planned. I do not have the money, nor the transportation and materials to do so. I do see, however, that this is for the best. I was given this problem for a reason, and I believe it was to see that I need time to take care of my newborn first, before I make drastic changes and plans for the future.

Carrying Lily for these past eight and a half months has been a God send. I prayed to Gaia for a month so that I could carry a child, and she granted me my wish. I then prayed that I had a healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy, and that labor and delivery would run smoothly and would be as unstressful as possible. I'm soon approaching the time for Lily's birth and all has gone as well as I had hoped. My spirituality has reached one of its highest moments, and I'm thankful for that. It has kept me sane for the most part, and I feel that I can tackle just about any obstacle that is put in my way. I may be a bit fearful with each new task of life, but I will soon overcome.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

J and I have been talking since Monday night. It's actually been a relief to be able to discuss things in a civil manner. He's accepted the fact that he was the one at fault and many other things and has taken the proper steps on becoming a better person. He now has a certificate from Anger Management. He has finished all his counseling there.

However, as of yesterday afternoon, J is currently unemployed. The military finally discharged him and he's filing for unemployment this afternoon. We almost got into an arguement for a moment. I, being the emotional mess that I naturally am and it being worse through pregnancy hormones, panicked. He thought I was being so because then I wouldn't get any money. Once I had calmed down a bit I explained to him that I still worry about his wellbeing, and not only that, but everything that happens to him, especially financially, will effect both Lily and I. He understood, and proceeded to tell me that he did talk to TRICARE before his out-process. I will be insured throughout the pregnancy until the day after Lily is born; then I'm on my own.

I'm scared, but a lot calmer about the situation. I'm more worried about what I'm supposed to do, but all I really can do is take care of myself and my child until she's born and then go from there. I pray that I get all the necessary scholarships that I applied for so that I can not worry about tuition, and if I do, then I can easily have health care and child care services taken care of. I know my knees and head will be sore for a long while; I'll be praying like a maniac.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

I'm slowly losing sanity. This is not a figure of speech. I wake up in the middle of the night sobbing and talk to people who aren't there. I've been hallucinating, and what bothers me the most is that I know it is not real, but my body doesn't respond to that sense of logic. I need to go back into therapy. I had stopped because it was still difficult to get everything out. I thought I had begun to heal, but about a week ago the preosecuting attourney called me and after speaking to her, I burst into tears once I hung up the phone.

This just keeps getting harder and harder as the time progresses. I'm not too worried about it. Since I haven't spoken to J in the past month or two, I have stayed focus on my goals. I have already been accepted back at TSU, I have already sent out applications to scholarship funds, as well as one provided by the school, and I have also contacted child care centers for infants. I'm nervous and excited and scared. I keep praying that all goes as planned.

J will be discharged from the military. No one knows when, but he will be. He has also started to pay alimony. I'm depressed and sick with sinusitis. I am constantly exhausted and I hope that this feeling will go away soon. I just want December to come. Everything has become too much to bear.

Friday, September 02, 2005

So, it's been a while...

I've been living with my mom for almost two months now. I'm nineteen, married and pregnant and now living alone back with my mother. It's rather embarrassing for me, really.

The baby's a girl. I went for my 24 week check up on Monday and it's official. I'm very excited about this and I can't wait for Lily to arrive. I don't know, maybe I've just watched too many episodes of Gilmore Girls that I've been brainwashed, but I hope to have a good relationship with my daughter. I want her to be articulate, literate, smart, talented, special. Something I am, but am not very good at. I don't want what I have with my mother. I love her, yes, but I can't stand her the majority of the time, and as much as I don't like doing it, I avoid her as much as possible.

I don't know if I'll get divorced, or if I'll stayed married. The legal offices informed me that J will be discharged soon, and my only concern right now is health insurance for the baby, especially now since it's about $8,000 to deliver a healthy baby without any complications, and frankly, I don't have that kind of money. I don't have any money. I was supposed to be working by now but that fell through. Paul said he would give me a secretary job at his work and that he'd call me that Tuesday when he was hiring. That was almost three weeks ago and no word whatsoever. I've tried to contact him and he has yet to return a single phone call. So I'm upset, disappointed, and must earn money some other way since I'm quite sure my husband isn't going to send me any financial support any time soon. I've resorted to applications at Wendy's and Dollar General, and to Hobby Lobby and Walmart soon. I really don't want to, especially since it's hard for a woman in her sixth month of pregnancy to find a job nowadays.

On a different note, I've filled out and sent applications for scholarships and school. I've been reaccepted to TSU for the 2006 spring semester (I just need to pay my $25 application fee with money I don't have), and I still have to send in my essay for a few scholarship applications. I feel worn out with it, but it doesn't really matter. I need to pay all these things (application fee, $100 housing fee, $24 for a driver's test so I can finally get my liscence) and I have no way of doing so. I have about $12.43 in my bank account, and no job. But I digress.

It's raining here. I feel worth/hopeless. There's not much for me to do now but wait.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

After a few sessions in therapy/counseling, I have come to the conclusion that J has had a control problem throughout our relationship and marriage. Mother, form the beginning, told me he did, but I didn't see it. I didn't see it until now.

J always wanted me to be this perfect wife. I wanted to be this perfect wife for him, not because I felt I had to change, but because I wanted to make him happy. The problem was that I am not this perfect wife. I'm just the perfect me. With all my dysfunctions and problems, my flaws, faults, and issues; to be the perfect wife I would have to block out my eccentric personality to a point where I just couldn't be myself. During one of our arguments, J complained about how his friends could easily "figure me out" and that it embarrassed him. It embarrassed him that people who barely knew me time span-wise, knew me personality-wise. They had pinpointed what made me tick and how I reacted to things. He then asked me why I was so un-phased by it, how I could just sit there and not care. Simple, I have nothing to hide from anyone. Yet he was embarrassed by that, as if my personality was something to be ashamed of.

Another thing that irked me was back in March when I had asked him if it was okay if I joined a Pagan-based folk-like band. I had talked to the head of the group and we were both looking forward to meeting each other and possibly forming a good bond. I was looking forward to also finally having something to do and people to talk to. J said no. His reason, that I would then get involved into the group and not have the initiative to get a job or do anything else with my life. I was very upset about this. I felt that he had little faith in me. But recently while I was pondering upon this, I came to terms with the fact that J knows me. He knows how I am. I'm very articulate and outgoing. I make friends easily and can multitask quite efficiently. I'm a Gemini, it's in my nature. He knew this. SO I began reflecting on this and came to the deduction that his main reason was that he thought I would get so involved with these people that he wouldn't get any attention.

He wanted me for himself. As flattering as it was, when you see it through a different perspective, it's a bit unnerving. He wanted me to be solely dependant on him, to be happy with just his company. I always wondered why he was so unhappy that I sometimes just wanted someone else to talk to. I love my husband, yes, but sometimes, you just can't sit in a place twenty four hours a day and only be able to interact physically and mentally with just one person. He would say I have all these friends; true, but all my friends, everyone whom I had a relationship with, were all back home in Texas or in different states and even countries. He could get calls from someone to come over and just hang out. What did I get? A call from someone, yes, but asking how I was. That's as far as the interaction could go. I couldn't go to a friend's house.

He'd take me to his friend's houses, yes, but most of the time I felt awkward and out of place there. I didn't know these people like he did. They weren't my friends, they were his. It's nice that he wanted to share them, but it just wasn't the same. The people knew J in a different way than I did, and vice versa. I don't think he realised that, and if he did, he surely didn't understand it.

Another thing I've come to conclude is that he hasn't completely come to accordance to what he did. I understand I am difficult and manipulative. I learned how to be so at a young age, but as much as he wants to blame his actions upon me, he chose to react the way he did. He feels that abuse is abuse no matter what label you put on it. I understand that, and agree to some degree, but I do believe that physical abuse and emotional abuse are two separate forms. You can be internally, emotionally, mentally scarred for life with things said to you, but you can die from things done to you. I may have been cruel and mean, which I still don't know how I have been, but I'll accept that I have, but he could have easily lived through that with only his ego hurt. Yet on the other hand, I could have died and he would have been none the wiser. The only way emotional abuse can kill you is if you let it consume you and you go and kill yourself. He also believes that I want him in jail out of spite and anger. Imbecile. He committed a crime, and he has yet to understand that.

Frankly, I wash my hands of this.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"


I have come to the realisation that I will never be happy. I'm not writing this out of self-pity or self-sympathy, but out of truth. I will always be miserable because I will never be happy. As much as I hate to admit it, and as much as I tried to run from it, I am my mother. I am stubborn, bitter, scorned, and will never be satisfied. And as much as I can love and be loved I will never be able to be happy and to make anyone else happy. All in all, I have screwed my own self over, but at least I won't lie to myself anymore.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

've been thinking more than usual lately about all of the desicions that I have to make in the near future. There is just so much that has to be done. Right now I'm just trying to see and do things a little at a time, but it's hard not to have my brain constantly turning things over in my head.


I'm going to start working soon. I'm not quite sure when, yet for everyone has to move into the new building and I have to go through the interview process. With the job set in place, and now that I have WIC and will soon get Food Stamps, I quite confident that all things will play out as need be. I'm hoping to get enough money to have my own apartment once little Lily/John is born. I don't wnt to keep staying at my mother's house. My family's a bit two-faced and if they help you out they tend to throw it back at you and make you "selfish" if you can't help them, whether it's a legitimate excuse or not. I'm not going to get into that, I've gone off-topic. But even if I have to get section 8 to help with a place to live, I will have one shortly after the baby is born. I've come to the desicion that no matter how much I love J, I can't go back. I'm going to stay here where I'm the happiest. I know I'm home on not the greatest circumstances, but I'm happy at home. This is where I belong and it took me a while to realise that.

If all goes well, I'm going to try and take a few classes. I need to go back to school. If I can't get into the community college, or if I have little time to do so juggling work and a baby, then I'll try online courses instead. I'm going for a BA in English with certifiction so that I may teach, and I've been contemplating getting a degree in Theology. I could also get a non-denominational minsiter's lisecnse. I love both things, so finger's crossed until then.

I also don't know what the future really holds for J and me. I want us to be happy and to raise the family we planned, but I just don't know anymore. There's so much that has happened and so much unhappiness with each other, I'm not sure if it would work anymore. Maybe I've just exhausted myself with thought and I need some more time. This all really needs time.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Everything lately seems as if it has been falling apart. My marriage, my family, my friends...the list can continue with all that's been happening.

Lucy and her children have been through hell and back. Everything with her husband is falling to pieces and her daughters are suffering as well. They are all going through everything I am, but I can understand Lucy and her girl's confusion. I wish I could talk to them. I've been in the same spots as they, and maybe with a bit of insight, they can make their decision. NO one deserves to go through abuse and neglect in that way. No one. I’ve gone through this before and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.


I don't know what to say to him anymore. J and my marriage started falling apart long before we were ever married. It's sad that it had to do so in this way, especially now with a baby on the way, but what else could I really do but run? I'm quite sure he thinks I want him in jail out of spite, but it's not that. He committed a crime and thus must pay for it. I know he's seeking counseling, but he still committed a crime. You just can't forget things like that. Maybe someday he will understand where I am coming from, but until then, all we need now is time to heal. I'm tired of this mess and all I want is to take care of myself and my unborn child. I know everything falling apart is not entirely his fault. He messed up, badly, but he snapped as well. I'm a rather difficult person to live with and I just wouldn't budge. I don't exactly know how. I've tried, but I hide behind the wall I've built. I don't think anything can change that. I'm going to continue trying, but I cannot get my hopes up on it. I'm bitter, and what's sad is that I'm not even twenty years old.


I've been taking care of my sister's kids this past week. They are both a handful but at least they behave when it's necessary. Sol is going through some major issues right now with her eyesight. I’m very worried and don't know what to say to her, so I try and lighten the mood with a quick joke or anecdote. She had surgery yesterday to try and fix the damage that was done. She's been having blood leaks in her eyeball. It's pretty bad in her right eye, but her left eye is now suffering as well. I'm petrified that she will become blind and disabled. She doesn't deserve that. She is the closest thing I have in this family, and I just want what’s best for her. She's a wonderful person, and it's frustrating that I can't do a thing to help her except be there for her when she needs me and pray.


I'm so depressed and emotionally exhausted with everything. I wish constantly that it will all go away so. That time will pass and all will heal and return to a semblance of normalcy. My baby is the only thing keeping me alive.