Thursday, January 12, 2006

It was exactly two weeks until my wedding anniversary yesterday. I didn't even realise it until now.

It saddens me, really, that our marriage fell apart long before we ever reached a year. It probably wouldn't have made it this long, but I was preoccupied with more important matters, like my child.

J and I still talk. Not as frequently as we used to; I merely call him to let him know how Lily is doing and sometimes I wonder how he is so it works both ways. He never calls. I tend to believe that he has it in his mind that I am not going through with the divorce. If he is, he's highly mistaken. Getting out of the house and filing is a little more tasking than I'd like it to be, but it will get done.

I still have the occasional nightmare. Mother says that I should let it go so that I can heal. I am fully aware of that. I think she forgets that it's easier said than done; I think she forgets how hard and long it took her to heal. It'll be years before I can trust again, before I can sleep peacefully through the night.

I am somewhat financially stable now. The military is paying me a monthly compensation. It's part of some victim's programme. I'm supposed to have military benefits for another year, but the United States military, especially the Air Force base in Offutt, is run by morons, so my paperwork, which I had finished and promptly mailed, was never filed.

I haven't told J about the compensation. I have it in my head that if I do, he'll get the "bright" idea of 'well, she's financially ok, I won't need to send anything.' To play it safe, he's not going to know. I need what I have. I owe $80 to my psychologist for a session, and I'm now paying my brother $275 a month for rent. I'm not even twenty-years-old yet. This is too much stress for a teenager to handle.

This is all his fault. I am so angry at my husband.
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