Saturday, July 30, 2005

Everything lately seems as if it has been falling apart. My marriage, my family, my friends...the list can continue with all that's been happening.

Lucy and her children have been through hell and back. Everything with her husband is falling to pieces and her daughters are suffering as well. They are all going through everything I am, but I can understand Lucy and her girl's confusion. I wish I could talk to them. I've been in the same spots as they, and maybe with a bit of insight, they can make their decision. NO one deserves to go through abuse and neglect in that way. No one. I’ve gone through this before and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

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I don't know what to say to him anymore. J and my marriage started falling apart long before we were ever married. It's sad that it had to do so in this way, especially now with a baby on the way, but what else could I really do but run? I'm quite sure he thinks I want him in jail out of spite, but it's not that. He committed a crime and thus must pay for it. I know he's seeking counseling, but he still committed a crime. You just can't forget things like that. Maybe someday he will understand where I am coming from, but until then, all we need now is time to heal. I'm tired of this mess and all I want is to take care of myself and my unborn child. I know everything falling apart is not entirely his fault. He messed up, badly, but he snapped as well. I'm a rather difficult person to live with and I just wouldn't budge. I don't exactly know how. I've tried, but I hide behind the wall I've built. I don't think anything can change that. I'm going to continue trying, but I cannot get my hopes up on it. I'm bitter, and what's sad is that I'm not even twenty years old.

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I've been taking care of my sister's kids this past week. They are both a handful but at least they behave when it's necessary. Sol is going through some major issues right now with her eyesight. I’m very worried and don't know what to say to her, so I try and lighten the mood with a quick joke or anecdote. She had surgery yesterday to try and fix the damage that was done. She's been having blood leaks in her eyeball. It's pretty bad in her right eye, but her left eye is now suffering as well. I'm petrified that she will become blind and disabled. She doesn't deserve that. She is the closest thing I have in this family, and I just want what’s best for her. She's a wonderful person, and it's frustrating that I can't do a thing to help her except be there for her when she needs me and pray.

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I'm so depressed and emotionally exhausted with everything. I wish constantly that it will all go away so. That time will pass and all will heal and return to a semblance of normalcy. My baby is the only thing keeping me alive.
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