Saturday, June 30, 2001

Typical Guy!

Guys! They are so stupid! Thank goodness I'm bi! I got girls to back me up when I need it, and they can treat me right! Vanessa's having a few probs, and as her personal teenaged shrink I was kinda helpin her out.

Well, she goes w/ Amber, but Zeke is kinda screwing with Nessa's head. So she's all confused. So us girls are sitting here reading his journal entry and he lays it out like Nessa and his g/f are some type of exhibits! And Nessa's "B". I was like...Jesus! Hell, I'd be like...sorry, but i aint no exhibit B...get your own damn lab, and keep me away from it...your stuck with a...b/c i'm a human being and i'm gonna be talked about as one!

If I was talkin about a girl I wanted to be with and some guy I wanted to be with I would not make them box 1 and 2, I would use thier names...I mean, they do have one!! Well, Nessa's gonna go post her "exhibit B" comment! ::devious smile:: Smell ya later!

Witching Hour....

It just turned midnight right when I opened this to update it! Man, that's kinda cool, though. I'm still awake, I still haven't slept, and I still feel like shit.

My mom took me to see the Velez's and we gave Juan his old Father's Day gift that we couldn't give him b/c we couldn't go...and then we went to the Soto's to give Jackie her Congrats, Grad card since we weren't able to before, and then we went to the Castellanos' and I got my grub on w/ some salad.

My mom had to talk to Carmine while she was there, b/c Carmine has being making up stories that could get people in a big mess. To our company she was saying that our house was dirty, that I was straight up lazy and didn't do shit around the house, that my mom didn't cook and had to go to Ary's house to eat food and this other bullshit...and then she started PMSing b/c we didn't give her pictures. For one thing, the pictures that she had in her hand were the wrong ones...but, oh, well...

But other than that, my day was the same like usual. Nothing out of the ordinary. I have to go to my church's garage sale in about 8 hours...but I still feel know what I mean? I just feel so alone at times....which pisses my best friends off. ::jason:: And I know it would seriously bother my boyfriend...

I know I should just let things go and live on...but it's easier said than done. It's been a traumatizing 6's not that easy...

I've gotten into the habit of hurting myself's actually rather easy now. All I have to do is burn's not even that hard. I spread salt on the area I want, put and ice cube on it, hold it for a minute...the process stings for a while b/c it's burning skin, but the ice also numbs it in a way...and then release. Wipe off any excess salt and you're done...You have a fresh burn that hurts like a mug in the next 24 hours...

Well, my leg just fell asleep, and I'm still wide awake...

Friday, June 29, 2001



It's hard to accept
When your heart is frozen solid
You want to feel
What others feel,
But somehow
You can't...

Your emotions are something
I will never be able to touch
Death is all I feel
Deep inside my soul
Eating me alive...

I want so much just to be able
To recieve
Those same feelings...
But I'm stuck
In my endless darkness
Dying from within

A True Insomniac

Man, I woke at noon...YESTERDAY AFTERNOON!!! i have not gone to sleep yet. I am exhausted, depressed, and I'm sick to my stomache. I haven't had a good night's sleep in like forever. I don't think I'll ever get better. I just keep getting worse. And nothing's really helping me...

I can't sleep, I barely eat, and I keep on losing and gaining weight. I'm alright on weight and stuff, but mentally, I'm just not all there...I need help, I just don't know how to ask for it...

Slowly, I feel as if I'm killing myself. But first starting screw up my mind first and then work from the inside out...I'm not afraid of death, or suicide...i've tried it before and I'm not afraid to do it again...

It's just that feeling of emptiness...that feeling that you somehow can't fix, and that hole that no one can repair but yourself, but you just don't know how.

My house is freezing and My body's burning up, and I'm about to throw up. I put a smile on my face every day so no one can see my pain, but it's still there...I'm afraid...

Afraid that I will never be able to excape my little black hole...

Thursday, June 28, 2001

What A Day, What A Day....

Well, today was a pretty normal day. I’m actually tired at the moment. My mom put me to work today. I had to help her put the bricks down by the patio and I got all dirty and smelly and sweaty and everything in between. I just came back from Ary’s house b/c I got a craving for Ice Cream and she had plenty of it in her freezer. We tried to catch the ice cream truck but we missed it…

My feet hurt, my hands are shaking and I haven’t eaten anything since I woke up this morning. All I ate was an ice cream bar and that was it. Nothing more. I’m still hungry but I’m tired from working.

I haven’t been feeling up to anything lately. Everything’s been kind of boring. I’d rather stay inside then go outside. I don’t know why, I’m an outgoing person, but I’ve just felt blah lately. I’ve been depressed and having trouble sleeping and I have been spazzed out and stuff. I’m always tired even if I got my sleep, and even if I woke up early one morning, I go to sleep real late that night. It just doesn’t make any sense any more. You know what I mean?

I always have a headache and I always feel sick and I always want to stay inside. I’ve had more fun in school this year than I did this summer. That’s kind of sad. Arturo’s birthday is this Saturday and so is the church’s garage sell. Irene is coming down for the weekend that day and then I have a dentist appointment on the 3rd. After my appointment we leave with Irene to go with her to visit her and her family for the Independence Day weekend.

Well, there’s not much left to say and I am still rather tired…I still feel lonely at times and I still feel out of place at home…I just don’t know how to say it to anyone or what to do about it…

I Had An Appt...

I brought Jenny M. and Chris to church today. We went to Mickey D's and all ate ice cream, then I got attacked by Cris in one of the kiddie tunnels up in the play area.

I saw my shrink today. (Sorry for the cliché) It was OK. I just talked about what was up and how I have been feeling. I'm OK, I guess, but I still have my moments...

I'm sorry I haven't been writing much in my last few entries, but life has been pretty bland. Not many new and exciting things have happened lately, and if it has....then it was short-lived. But anyways, I'm tired and I need to be going now....

Tuesday, June 26, 2001

Boredome in Early Morning

My goodness!! Chris came over today at 11 to help my mom. José has the nerve to help him wake me up. José has taken pictures (of me trying to sleep) and he threw candy and pillows at me. Chris decided it would be fun to land on me to wake me up.

When my whole family was gone, Chris and I were left alone in my living room. I have this thing that if I play with his ear, it turns him on. It drives him nuts. So he pretty much ended up fingering me with TWO of his fingers. (his fingers are huge) And those two put together are the same diamter as his...I think I should be left alone more often. :) I need practice for the future!

But then I got dirty helping my mom and Chris with the yard work. Man, did I stink! Well, I'm exhuasted, so I'm going to bed now...

Thursday, June 21, 2001

Telling Chris

I told Chris today that I kissed Cris. And you know what he did? Absolutely nothing! :) This is why I love my boyfriend so much! He was like, "well, if it didn't mean anything, then it's OK...' And it was OK...b/c the kiss didn't mean a damn thing!

But anyway, I better go now...

Tuesday, June 19, 2001


Today’s my 4 month anniversary w/ Chris!

Sunday, June 17, 2001

Father's Day 2k1

Happy Father’s Day! I don’t feel so good today. I think I ate too much cake at church today. Well, Jenny M. is having a BBQ next door, but I’m gonna take a nap…

Chris' Welcome Back Party

Chris came home today from ROTC camp. We had a little get together today at Gary's. There was a BBQ and we teens wrestled in the Morales' back-yard pool. Well, I'm tired and bye!

Saturday, June 16, 2001

Chris Comes Home...

Today Chris comes home from camp. I so still feel bad about what had happened Wednesday after church. I have no idea if I should tell him or not.

Mom's going to pick me up today and we're going to have a "Welcome Back" party for him. I'm gonna help cook! :/ :) heehee

But anyway, if I want to be awake for the party, I better get to bed!

Thursday, June 14, 2001


OMG!! I feel so bad! I’ve done the #1 thing today that Chris hoped I would never do! I so betrayed him!

I cheated on Chris with Cris. It just happened. We were horse playing and somehow we ended up kissing. But we made out 3 different times! I don’t know what to do! I feel so bad! :( Should I tell Chris when he comes back??

Sunday, June 10, 2001

Chris Goes To Camp

I got bit by fleas yesterday! Seriously bitten. They hurt, I itch, and I'm swollen like a mug. I'm allergic to them, which sux. Now I'm going to church in a few.

Chris left today to ROTC camp. He'll be gone for a whole week, and I'll be extremely bored. :( Well, I have to go get ready for church.

Maldonado's B-day Party

My goodness, I had to go to some old man's birthday party today and Carmine was being a sure pain in the ass. Since before we left this morning at 10, she was bitching and complaining, crying and whining, for no reason at all.

At around lunchtime she practically pissed everyone off. Carmine doesn't know English, but of course that's what all the teenagers speak. Well, we were making jokes and the woman starts yelling at us saying that we're making fun of her. As calmly as I could, I told her that we weren't and that not one part of our conversation was she mentioned. But she wouldn't listen. So I let her be. And she went on bitching and complaining that even my mom, who tolerates her pretty well, got fed up.

But anyways, I just got home. I'm tired and sore, but I had fun with Jenny A., Nathalia, and Cristofer. But I have to go to sleep now.