Thursday, January 26, 2012
I am in a bunch of pain today and I've been feeling worse. I've been nauseaous and woozy for most of the day. Gin made J and I get off the living room furniture and let us lay in her bed for a couple of hours. It made me more aware of everything that hurts. My back is killing me. I just want to be done with this already. I hate being in this much pain.
I don't know where I'm sticking the baby when he comes home. I'm sure that I'm not going to want to leave the comfort and ease of the hospital. I'll have my own bed, not a recliner, and the baby and I will be comfortable in a larger room. Not that I'm not grateful for being here. I just wish we had something that we could be comfortable in. There are no homeless shelters in Killeen, and even if their were, we would still have something to do during the day.
I am very very tired.
I can't handle life anymore.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I'm going to see if the in-laws are willing to watch the girls in the evening & J & I can use the girst card he got on his birthday for an anniversary dinner.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Well, due to irreconcilable differences, my sister kicked my husband out of her house yesterday afternoon. Things had become hectic at her house due to the stress and she believes he is verbally abusive to me and our daughters. Considering I have been with this man for the past ten years and *know* when he is being abusive, my husband is just a dick, especially now when stress and tension is high. No one seems to believe me when I say I know my husband better than they do. *facepalm*
And yes, he has been a major dick to me and to the girls a lot lately. He realizes this; we talk every night, something no one else sees as we do it in private, but I apparently don't "see the problem" because I'm on the "inside". The way we raise our daughters is also an issue, yet when asked to call CPS if she truly believes we are neglegent in any way with our children, my sister told him to get out. She tried to emphasize to me that she wasn't kicking me or the girls out, but even Lily explained to my sister that we were leaving together. She can kick whomever she wishes out of her house, but I'm not keeping my husband away from his daughters.
Needless to say, I'm not going to just sit back and not stand behind my husband, so we all packed our things and are staying at his father's house. The girls and I are staying in their little 4yo cousin's room and my husband on the couch. We're cramped, but it will have to do. Rose and Iris think it's another fun sleep over. Lily, however, broke my stepmom-in-law's heart yesterday when she asked her if there was going to be any fighting here, too. Knowing how much this is damaging my children hurts so much. I wish I could make all this hurt and pain and insecurity go away.
My brother tried to convince us to stay at his house for now while he and his dad stayed at my mom's and sister's respectively, but we refused. He then suggested my mom's house, as they had been working on the large guest room to make it ready for us anyway, but we also refused. It's not that we don't appreciate their help, it's just that we are tired of CONSTANTLY being judged. We are judge for our religious prefrences, we are judged for our parenting and schooling choices, we are judged on how we handle our situation, we are judged for everything. A person can only please so many people, and the ones who are the most important, no one seems to realize how all this judgment of thier parents hurts them.
I am very, very depressed. As well as very stressed out. So much so that I was admitted to the hospital yesterday afternoon to check and monitor the baby (I'm now 37 weeks.) I'm in incredible amounts of pain, not to mention I am already considered high risk due to 3 prior c-sections. Dorian and my uterus both seem to be okay but I don't know how I'm going to be holding up. I am horribly exhausted both emotionally and physically and I worry about how much this affects my unborn son.
I'm having a very hard time staying positive. We have yet to hear back from public housing and probably won't hear from them for a while. J has had nothing but rejections from his job-search attempts. I don't know how much more of this I can handle in the next two weeks. Dorian will be here by the 7th. I just don't know how long I can hold on.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Sure, even to this day they still get on my last damn nerve sometimes, and vice versa, but I can honestly say I have not one bad memory of either of them. They have never made me feel insignificant. They have never brought me further down when I was at a low point in life. Sure, we had disagreements, but we always made the effort to agree to disagree if we knew there was no point in arguing and that the other's mind was made up.
I don't have moments like that with my parents. My father was nonexistant in my childhood. My stepfather was abusive, controlling, and sure, I had a laugh here and there, but I loathed him. My mother, though I do have *some* good memories, was an all-around disappointment. There were things she did that I would have never even think of doing to my own children; things I could never forgive her for.
I hope that I, as a mom, can give my children great memories. Sure, I want them to have the same kind of memories I had with my siblings, but I also want the to think back at their parents with a bit of dignity. I don't want my children to resent me as a parent, ever, especially not in the way I do my own parents. I really hope I am being the kind of mom that not only is good *for* them but good *to* them.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
I woke up today after a long night of ridiculous allergies, having BH contractions every time I took a step. I was cranky, miserable, and, according to J, was taking out my frustations on the children. I think I even snapped at him at one time, but I don't know. All I remember is that I had to walk slowly or I would burst into tears. My pelvis feels like it's trying to rip apart, and my son's head feels like it's just going to slip right out. I could barely move without crying out in pain.
I had planned to go to my FIL's house this afternoon with J and the girls, but thought best to stay home where I could bitch and whine on my own time and not ruin the night for everyone. I'm glad I did. The girls seemed to have a good time, and I was able to stay in bed and piss and moan to myself.
Three more weeks of this. Just three more weeks.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Uneventful day for me. Made some business calls & did some chores, but mostly slept. J hung out with the girls. I couldn't deal with the outside...though it still ended up inside due to the girls playing in the grass. *sigh* If I am not better tomorrow, I'm staying in bed.
It feels like Dorian is trying to juggernaut his way out.
Monday, January 09, 2012
Many errands to run tomorrow. I have an OB appointment as well. My body aches and I'm about to do my full moon ritual. I think I'll go to bed early.
Sunday, January 08, 2012
We headed to Joe's yesterday. Lauren and Joey took us out to the park for a picnic. It was really nice. Minus the allergies (allergic to the high pollen count of cedar and plane here in TX as well as Joe's 3 cats), I enjoyed myself. I think we had a good time. I know the girls did. We watched Kung Fu Panda 2 as well as the first half of Hot Fuzz. We had to leave before the movie was over to head back home. Then we got lost, which just frustrated the hell out of J and me, so we were not happy campers when we got home. A lot of angriness at night, but they day seemed fun. :)
I am so tired. These allergies are kicking my ass. I hurt, a lot. Dorian keeps tugging at my scar with his big ol' head, and the pain is making nauseous. I feel like I do when I'm on my period. I hate it, but again, something I just have to suck up.
I need a nap. SO much to do tomorrow. We get to see the public housing authority tomorrow!! *fingers crossed*
Friday, January 06, 2012
J went to his mother's to try and organize what he could and take our things into storage. First he cleared a way in the storage, and then headed to his mom's to bring stuff in. During this time both Steve and Debbie came home and blocked J in, demanding the house key and proceeded to call the cops. The officer showed up, told them to move the vehicles, and let them know that everything we have been telling them since this started was correct. We technically still live ther as we were never served with a judged-approved eviction notice. Also, Steve didn't sign the contractual lease agreement back in August, so he does not have anything to do with this. If Debbie wants to get in touch with us, she has to do it herself. She tried to argue that we changed our number, but J pointed out that she has our e-mail addresses and that *she* was the one who blocked all communication. He saved the text message that stated we should not contact her.
I wish I could have been there, just to see the look on their faces when the cop told them they were wrong and we were in the clear. Apparently, they had tried to intimidate J, talking mess, especially Steve. This shut them up real quick, though. They had nothing to say after that. When J went back to make sure he had all of our things in the garage, Debbie had emotionally sobered up enough to be nice and told J that he could take the playhouse and slide from the backyard for the girls if he wanted. He refused. He's not taking anything from her house that we didn't pay for so she can't say we were stealing her shit. Apparently, the reason why she wanted the house key so badly was because she believed J would take her things with him. Spiteful is as spiteful does. I'm sure she thought "if I would do it, so will he."
He brought over our important papers as well as my business supplies, which made me super happy. I had received my business cards in the mail and kept playing with them, so now I feel complete. I am patiently waiting for the new catalogs...
Today: While it was nice to wake up to nice, clean rooms, unfortunately, I over did it yesterday and hurt myself. I woke up in excrutiating pain this morning, and have been in tears on and off all day. J was in the same amount of pain. We had to suck it up, though.
Lily had her yearly check up, where we found out she's hard of hearing and her left eye can't see well, but that, at least, he legs are easily manageable and WILL grow out of the pidgeon-toes if we continue to stretch the muscles in her hips. I made appointments for next week.
J finished up getting all of our things out of his mother's garage and into the storage unit. He Tetris'd the fuck out of that thing. It's about the size of a one-car garage and he filled it top to bottom, front to back. It is RIDICULOUS how much shit he fit in there, not to mention it was EVERYTHING we owned. I convinced him that we should stop by his mother's on Monday to have a look-over to make sure we didn't leave anything behind after our public housing appointment.
Tomorrow: The girls don't know it yet, but we are headed over to go visit their Uncle Joey for the day. I know how much they love being with him. I told them Daddy had a surprise for them and they are just aching to find out what it is. LOL. Silly girls.
Other than that, nothing else planned. I'm doing my devotional for about a half hour tomorrow, have a team meeting Sunday afternoon, and shit doesn't get real again until Monday. I can't wait until things wind down. I just want to be able to breathe again.
Thursday, January 05, 2012
So I realized this morning that I never really elaborated on the things I wanted tp accomplish this year. I did mention my spirituality, once, and then forgot to mention the rest. So here it goes...
- Get in touch with spirituality: This is something that I have been meaning to do for quite some time. It's been hard, being pregnant, homeschooling 3 kids in different levels at the same time, and all the stresses we've endured in the past 2 years, but I think I can get the hang of this if I focus. This entails my daily spiritual training (which I won't be able to get back into until I get my books and supplies out of storage), weekly devotionals (sort of like praise and worship at Church, except, you know, not about Jesus), monthly moon rituals (full moons, specifically), and remembering to celebrate *all* 8 major Sabats in my religion (even if it's just a little prayer and a tiny candle).
- Succeed with business: As you already know, I'm a Pure Romance consultant (http://yvonneames.pureromance.com) but have been doing a crappy job at it since I started back in July. I can only blame myself for this, but for justifiable reasons. Trying to figure out where the life of your family is headed as well as trying to not feel so much like the plague from pregnancy can really damper your spirits and effect the way you run a business. So far, the month of January is looking spectacular. I am very excited. My dad sent some Christmas money that I have been using to get a few things to really get my business off the ground, that and last night's product launch had me super jazzed that I ended up booking 3 parties shortly afterwards.
- Pay off debts: If I can be serious about my business, I'm hoping to make enough money this year to pay off as much of my debts as I possibly can. I still owe money to the trash company I used back in Iowa. *facepalm* Along with medical bills I was unable to pay in Nebraska, I owe my school 2k from my failed courses, and have to pay back VA an extra $640 for dropping out of school early. I'm sure I owe somebody else money, but right now can't think of anyone else. With this accomplished I'll be able to open new doors that will help my family, like, you know, not being homeless and worrying where we're going to be living in the next month.
- Go back to school: until I pay what I owe, I can't get back into school. So paying off the debt is the first thing I have to do before I can accomplish this goal. I *really* do want to finish my degree (I have 2 years under my belt, so I'd be done with my BA in History and English in no time) and think it would be beneficial for me in teaching my children.
- Daily journal entries: If you haven't already noticed, I've tried to write every day since the new year started. This is something that I've wanted to do for quite some time and hope to continue in the future. With all that is going on, I want to document as much as I can. This is also a great stress-reliever for me. When I write about my problems, they don't seem as large as they do in my head. I can really get things into perspective if I set it all down on (figuratively) paper first, and analyze it from a different point of view. If I vent on a daily basis, maybe I can stop being such an ass sometimes and really think about how ridiculous some of my problems are so I can stop making such a big deal out of them
- Lose 20 lbs: This is last on the list for the obvious reason that I am still pregnant. After the pregnancy, I'll be placed on minimal activity for two months so that I can heal from my cesearean. I'll pretty much still be out of comission well into April. However, I don't ever want to get as big as I did ever again. I felt like crap every day because I was so out of shape. My health was just shit. Currently, at 8.5 months pregnant, I am 147 lbs. Exactly one year ago, at not pregnant at all, I was at 147 lbs! So yes, during this pregnancy I have "lost" weight. This had a lot to do with the fact that I take careful note of what I eat, more now because I have gestational diabetes this time around. I hope to continue to eat right as well as get back to going to the gym three times a week. Last year, for the first six months of 2011, I was training hard to join the military. I had lost very little weight then, but had gained muscle and a lot of stamina. I felt GREAT and I miss it. If I hadn't been put on bed rest and didn't hurt so goddamn much, I probably would have kept at it. For now though, I'll stick to walking with Dorian and the girls on a regular basis, and come April, challenge the husband at some athletic feat that will take some training to do. (He wants to get in shape to; it works out since he graduates in March.)
So, as you can see, not a lot of things planned for 2012, but they will take the whole year to accomplish. It's a nice list of long-term goals that I hope to start on the right track this year as well as continue them for the following years. They are practical and things that I believe will benefit my life. Along with these reasonable goals, I have my ridiculous ones as well. Two come to mind: A. see how long I can grow my hair out before I get fed up and cut it, and B. see how long I can grow my nails before caving and chewing them off. I know it sounds silly, but I like to do these. In 2006 I decided to see how long I could last without dying my hair. Six years later, and this is still my natural color, greys (they're sparkles!) and all.
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
J bought me a few of my (edible) favorite things. I currently had a ham and cheese hot pocket and have been drinking lemonade/tea. We didn't know Lipton had the half & halfs, so he bought a 12 pack of them last night. I think I've already drank half of the pack. :D
I am in a lot of pain. I accidently scare my sister because I started screaming and swearing before bursting into tears. She was rubbing my abdomen and was slightly grossed out. Since I'm not longer pudgy, all I have is stretched out skin and a baby in there somewhere. She could feel all the lumps and curves that were my son's limbs, made more prominent due to the fact that I was in the middle of some serious Braxton Hick's contractions. I just have to remember I have almost exactly 5 weeks left of this. He's almost here...
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
First off, she blocked both J and myself from her Facebook profile. Second, she sent J a text message (which he has saved) to make no attempts in contacting her and that all correspondence must be done through Steve (her boyfriend.) My brother also received a note from Steve on Facebook about this (also saved.) Last, Steve has me friended on Facebook. If there were any issues that needed to be brought to our attention, he could have easily sent me a message.
J is in complete awe. He figured that after two weeks after being kicked out his mother would have sobered up by now and realized how ridiculous all of her allegations sounded. My comment was that she is probably still spending most of her evenings drunk, and that Steve is an enabler, to which he agreed I had a point. He still angry though. This has caused our family much unnecessary stress.
Another thing, she can get an attorney all she wants, but they will tell her that we need a judge-approved eviction notice due to the fact that we had a contractual agreement (which we have a copy of.) J has already told her this. We have yet to receive one. I was hoping we could all get this done and over with, but apparently this is going to end up a legal battle. We already spoke to KPD; they already assured us that we are in the clear, but still. This is beyond ridiculous at this point. And even if we didn't need the eviction notice, we have until 5pm January 18th to get all of our things out. That will be exactly 30 days since our "eviction." We still have fifteen days according to my calendar.
It sucks though. We have absolutely no room in the storage unit due to the fact that we had believed we would permanently move in eventually; you know, like we were told. And since J ended up giving his mother every penny we had left as rent money, we can no longer afford to even upgrade the unit. So while I'm staying as calm as possible, I can seriously understand why J is so angry.
As for the girls dealing with this situation, Lily has been the hardest in coping. She has been lashing out and angry and is still having nightmares about her grandmother. It's been a complete rollercoaster of emotions with that girl, I'm almost to my wit's end. She has her good days, but on her bad days... She told me last week that she had dreamt that "Dorian was born and then Grandma took him and killed the baby." I was heartbroken and had to sit with her and tell her that everything was ok, that J and I would be taking good care of Dorian and that Grandma could no longer hurt us. She then asked why her grandmother had been so mean to us and J tried to explain it the best way he could. Lily came up with the conclusion, "So, Grandma is just throwing a big tantrum because she didn't get her way." We figured that was the best explanation a 6 year old could come up with and asked her that if she still had bed dreams to please find an adult to remind her that we love her and that everything was ok. I asked her what she was going to do with the nightmares. "I'm going to ask God to blow them away." I initially thought she meant that God would use a strong wind to be rid of them. Knowing Lily, she wants to nuke them. Iris, thankfully, has taken all of this in stride. Being the mellowest of the three, she is the best at coping. She is no longer wetting the bed, her fits are minimal, and there have been no bad dreams. Rose, however, is a lot like Lily. There has been a lot of rage, and a lot of screaming and crying when she sleeps. We are just taking on day at a time with them. It's hard, but we have to move on and put the past where it belongs.
On a good note, my doctor says I am looking much healthier. I have a little over a month before Dorian gets here.
Monday, January 02, 2012
Today was spent running errands. I had packages of products that needed to be mailed, and my sister's prescription to be filled. I was going to head to the bank and make a money order to send to our old DPT for duplicate titles on our vehicles, but the bank was busy. Somehow, I was also riding on an empty gas tank for a while. Tomorrow, more errands. I have an appointment with my OBGYN in the afternoon and the rest of my products are coming in that day. I have a transaction to make with a customer, and doctor and dentist appointments to make for the children.
I don't make New Year Resolutions. One thing I do like to do is set goals every few months and reflect on their progress. I'd like to start being more spiritual, so while I won't be practicing on a weekly basis or anything, I do want to hold a ritual every month on the full moon. Being a mom (and currently a very full moon :D ), this means a lot to me. I want to pay my respects to my mother goddess. I'd also like to get back to celebrating the Sabats as often as possible instead of whenever it's convenient. It's going to take some scheduling on my part, but if I focus on doing these in the evening, I think I can make it work.
As much as I appreciate what my family has done for me in giving me a place to stay and taking care of us in this time of need. I really hope we can have our own place soon. My mom is trying get HUD to give me an earlier appointment, but I'm fine waiting until the 9th. It occurred to me, though, that if they do have something available for us, we got rid of a lot of things so we could move and have very little left.
We have all of our furniture, so we have places to sit and sleep, etc. We kept our bathroom things, and if my monster-in-law didn't throw it out, we'll be covered for that. However, we have almost nothing for the kitchen (we have most of the appliances). I've compiled a list for things we will need if and when we get our own place.
- pots & pans
- cooking utensils
- oven mitts
- dish soap
- dish sponge
- all-purpose cleaner
- cleaning rags
- (microwave) **only if apt is not equipped with one
- paper towels
- trash can
- trash bags
- toilet paper
- toilet brush
- toilet cleaner
- dresser (to replace mine, that broke)
- cubby-style toy organizer with drawers (to replace the large plastic tubs that take up too much room)
I'm really hoping that HUD has something available for us within the next couple of months. Like I said, I appreciate all that my family has done, but we really need our own place. We are slowly getting back to where we were, but it's still difficult when you have to be careful of how it will affect the others you live with, which is frustrating if the dynamics clash.
Here's hoping for a prosperous new year. *fingers crossed*