I went to church last week and enjoyed it very much. I was a bit apprehensive at first. I had decided to let Lily stay in the nursery and spent the entire service paranoid that my daughter's stranger anxiety was going to cause a stir downstairs. It never did. When I went to the nursery to pick her up she was running people over in a walker and having a good time. I follow my daughter when it comes to feelings. This was definitely a good sign. Afterward, we had coffee and I was able to meet with M, the head coordinator of OCUUPS, and some other members of the church. I enjoyed being there. I felt welcomed and intend on going there regularly. I would be there today, but I have been stricken with a massive allergy attack and half of my face has been affected.
I feel different somehow. I know I haven't changed recently. However, things still feel different. I like to think that maybe resetting my goals and holding on to my faith is what is helping me. I was "in the broom closet", as they say, for a long time. Now that I am openly Pagan, not only to my peers but my family as well, I feel as if there is nothing to hide; a weight has been lifted. I do not feel constricted or sophicated. I am not hiding. Most of my insecurities have gone in oblivion. I may not have changed in the physical, or even with random things such as what I do in routine every day, but spiritually there is a siginificant alteration in the way that I am viewing life and accepting my battles as well as my blessings. I guess the feeling had to come sooner or later. There are several times in ones life that one must beseech oneself to reorganize ones goals and outlook in life. I'm bettering myself, and my family of sorts, and that is all that matters at this point.
Maybe these are just the ramblings of a tired girl. No matter how hard I try I still find difficulty in sleeping soundly at night.
I sent in my financial application for school. If I get a response soon, I'll be starting next quarter in December. I've decided to get my degree in Information technology (same as J's). His is Database/Web Programming while mine is Web Development. I hope I'll be able to focus and not botch it like last time.