Sunday, March 29, 2009

Life in a Nutshell

For a little over a month I willingly took Prozac to see if it would help with my mood swings and depression. Granted, I had already taken them years ago and became immune to them after some time, but my obstetrician thought it would work differently this time around with my pregnancy hormones. I gave it a try for almost two months and just recently quit. The entire process has felt utterly pointless and hopeless. I will admit that the medication did help with staying focus, but there is just too much emotional baggage that I have that cannot be easily fixed even with the help of medication and therapy.

I have not gone to behavioral therapy in months. Mostly because I am pregnant and all of my pregnancies always seem to make me more sick than I normally am. So I have just been keeping things to myself. I know this is not a good way to handle things but for once, I am actually okay. I am not suicidal, and even though I wish I could just get up and leave, I can actually give you reasons why. And I am starting to see the reasons why I should stay. The only thing I have been feeling is resentment toward my husband and disappointment toward self. I am trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings and fix the problem caused by them without going insane or becoming emotionally recluse. I just wish I could honestly open up to someone without feeling like I am constantly being judged.

My blood pressure is unnaturally low, I have fainted a couple of times at work, and I am just so fucking tired all the time. I cannot get up without wanting to vomit and then pass out. I quit my job because I kept getting dizzy spells at work. This is no fun and incredibly frustrating. I hate not being able to pay off my medical debt by myself. I hate feeling completely useless. Working was the only thing I had to prove that I was not a complete waste of space, that I could in fact do something on my own. Now without it I feel as if I have nothing.

I feel so drained. I know all my physical ailments are caused by the pregnancy. I also know that a good portion of my emotional distress is because of that, too. But unless I can magically have a healthy baby at only five months gestation, there is not much I can do about it. The rest is old and dusty memories that I need to throw away. Even emotionally I am a pack rat; there are just some things I should not even be keeping. At least with some I have finally let go. Now if only I could do that with the rest. It has taken such a toll on me that I just don't know what to think anymore.

I left all the religious groups I was affiliated with. I have a Jehovah's Witness come to my house every Tuesday morning, but the main reason I have not stopped those gatherings is because I like the company and so do my daughters. She is a very sweet young woman, not much older than I, who has been a big help in a way that she is not aware of. Everything else though, my mother's church, Sage Circle healing group, everything, I just left and took a step back. I just don't know what I believe in anymore. I do not feel anything. Spiritually, I just feel empty.

My life in a nutshell: spiritually empty, emotionally drained, physically ill. Hoo-fucking-ray.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Vision Quest Continues

I'm doing a lot of introspection right now and taking a step back from religion and just life in general.

I said goodbye to a lot of groups yesterday and today. I don't really know what plan I'm making, I just know that I feel emotionally and spiritually lost and that I need to get rid of everything first and start over.

I've been trying to get my thoughts in order, but I'm doing a terrible job, so I'm working on that. Anyway, just an update.

I'm always tired, and even though I'm on meds, my depression is still hard to handle on some days. My pregnancy is going great though. I can feel her moving around just fine and she's healthy.