Tuesday, December 31, 2013

31: Blog Challenge: Why Do You Blog


Asking me why I blog is like asking a normal person why they breathe. BECAUSE I NEED IT. Writing is my only outlet that I can use to express myself. It's the place I go to where I can let it all out and not feel the judgmental stares of everyone around me. It's the one place where I can be honest without having to censor myself.

Yes, feelings get hurt, and sometimes it can be completely anonymous, but the person still figures out it's about them and they get all butt-hurt about it, like it's my fault they were being a dick. I at least had the decency to not mention them by name, but if the shoe fits... *shrug* But the words are MINE, and if you don't like them...no one is forcing you to read them.

I blog for the same reason I journal. It's not because I want to say something, it's because I have something to say. No matter how trivial, how ridiculous, how banal any of it sounds, I need to say it. If there's someone out there who reads it, then so be it. I don't do this for anybody else. I do this for me.

Monday, December 30, 2013

30: Blog Challenge: What's In Your Make-Up Bag

Really? This is a question? Make-up. That's what's in my make-up bag.
[will edit later with picture.]

Sunday, December 29, 2013

But I Fumbled It When It Came Down to the Wire

The year is coming to a close. 2012 was pretty awful. I thought 2013 would be the year things got back on track. That wasn't the case; 2013 ended up to be worse. Now that 2014 is fast approaching, I am hoping, praying, that this will finally be the year things get better. I don't want another nail in the coffin.

I have many plans that are underway. I start classes next month to finish my degree. In April, it will be one year without any serious episodes. In June, it will be a year since my CPS case closed. Many changes are coming and I'm hoping I'm making the right decisions for the better.

With all that said, this will be my last public post. I will no longer be sharing my personal life online. While I'll still post the ridiculosity that is my children on Facebook, everything else is being kept private. I will be sharing my old journal entries from my stints in the psych ward for anyone who is interested. They will be posted at agrietada.blogspot.com on a daily basis. I'm hoping to raise more awareness for mental illness.

Anyway, I wish that everyone have a happy new year.

29: Blog Challenge: Where Have You Travelled

You know, even though I grew up military and later married military, I didn't go far.

I was born in Puerto Rico. We were stationed in Washington, Oklahoma, Texas and Hawaii. My ex and I were stationed in Nebraska and then crossed the border to Iowa. I've visited relatives in South Carolina, Alabama, and California, and I hope to eventually do so in Florida. One day I'd like to go overseas.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

28: Blog Challenge: What Are You Looking Forward To?

...An end to all this madness.

I just want everything to be stable again.

Friday, December 27, 2013

27: Blog Challenge: Post Your Favorite Recipe

Ha ha.

Yeah..... I don't cook. And when I do, I make it up as I go.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

26: Blog Challenge: An Old Photo Of You

This picture was taken in 1999/2000. I was in 8th grade, outside of the choir hall at Wheeler Intermediate School in Wheeler AFB, HI. I had ridiculously long hair and was super scrawny.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

25: Blog Challenge: Your 5 Favorite Blogs

Uh oh. I'm in trouble here.


I stopped actively reading blogs when I was homeless. Then that was followed by a mental breakdown. Then I stopped homeschooling my kids. I'll read the blogs of friends, though.

My friend Mary shares her awesomeness at Living a Sunshine Life
I do enjoy the neat tips from Laura over at I'm an OrgJunkie!

.....and that's all I got.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

24: Blog Challenge: Your Favorite Childhood Book

I had two. Corduroy by Don Freeman and Bedtime For Frances by Russell Hoban.

I got them both as books on tape when I was about 6. I could already read by then, but I would put them in a little walkman and listen to them when I went to sleep.

I had a little brown bear. I dressed him up in green overalls that I had made and named him Corduroy. I would pretend I was Lisa, and even arranged my room to look like hers in the book.

When I couldn't sleep, I'd listen to Bedtime For Frances, and when the book was finished, I'd try my own ABC song, like she had in her attempt to fall asleep.

To this day I still have those books, both of them, WITH THEIR TAPES. Yep. I'm a dork, but I got to share them with my kids. :)

Monday, December 23, 2013

23: Blog Challenge: Your Dream Job

While I've attempted to finish my BA in History and English, and had originally wanted to be a teacher of said subjects, I have ALWAYS wanted to own my own bookstore.

I mentioned this idea to my friend Diana once, in high school. We had drawn up a floor plan for our proposed bookstore/coffee shop/apartment. It was actually a pretty sweet layout. Then we married military men and went our separate ways. Le Sigh.

I still wish to one day have my own bookstore, specifically one that caters to alternative lifestyles and spiritual paths. Being Pagan, I want it to focus mostly on old remedies, and practices, while still being a comfy place to hang out as well.

One day, maybe when I'm old...

Sunday, December 22, 2013

22: Blog Challenge: The Best Thing To Happen This Year



Fine, I'll try and think of something...


I guess the best thing to happen to me this year would have to be that I'm pretty much on my own. I've never been on my own before. I've never paid my own bills, and I've always had someone taking care of me. Yes, I have a roommate, but I still pay my own way. Yes, I don't have a job, but I would if I could. I'm on disability, but without it, I'd be living with my mom. For once, I'm only dependant on me and only have to worry about ME.

That's a good thing, right?

Saturday, December 21, 2013

21: Blog Challenge: Your 10 Favorite Foods

Um... ALL OF THEM! I wouldn't be this large if I didn't love food. But seriously, now...

  1. My friend Danita's spaghetti and meatballs. She makes them from scratch and they are heaven and she has ruined me from any other meatballs forever.
  2. Ramen. I know I will eventually go into cardiac arrest from the amount of sodium in those bad boys, but I care not!
  3. Pancakes.
  4. Funyuns. I don't care if they make my breath smell like armpit, they are delicious and I will continue to eat them.
  5. Chocolate.
  6. Lemon pie. I don't care what kind of pie, just as long as it's a pie, and lemon.
  7. Buttery and sweet grits.
  8. My friend Brandy's homemade chicken and dumplings. Because I'm from Texas, that's why.
  9. My friend Mary's potatoes.
  10. Anything my sister makes.
I'm terrible at doing these.

Friday, December 20, 2013

2o: Blog Challenge: A Difficult Time In Your Life

Wow, let's see...a difficult time in my life...

At 27, I've had so many difficult times, I should have been institutionalized... Oh, wait, that was one of those difficult times. Honestly, I can't decide just one. My childhood sucked. My teen years sucked. My young adulthood sucked. I'm quite sure I'm still going through a quarter-life crises.

Currently, I'm in a difficult patch in my life. A year ago, CPS got involved in our lives, again, because of my mental health. In the end, I lost custody of my kids. While I only live 10 minutes away and I have them every weekend, I'm not allowed to be left unsupervised with them. It's a bunch of bullshit, if you ask me. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a fucking good mom. Yes, I wasn't healthy, but my children never went without...no matter what shit my ex says. He has the bad habit of exaggerating my illness and my failures.

I am a damn good mom and having my kids, for lack of better term, taken away has left me broken. It's been five months now and I'm still not used to it. I'm still angry. And I still wish I could punch CPS in their stupid faces. I just have to remember "one day at a time; one step at a time."

Thursday, December 19, 2013

19: Blog Challenge: What Do You Collect?

My sense of collecting is more like hoarding, so a lot of my "collections" have been donated in recent years and minimized due to space. The main things I like to keep are:

  • notebooks & journals
  • funky socks
  • purses
  • handwritten notes, cards & letters from friends and family
I refuse to touch my journals. Those are MINE, damn it.

My socks go through cycles, mostly because I love them so much that I wear holes in them, fix them, wear more holes, fix them, and then they finally fall apart and die. 

My old collection of purses was actually pretty impressive. I had all shapes, like bustiers and shoes, and sizes, ranging from a wristlet to a huge tote. Designs varied from sequins, to prints, to pictures. Some had decorative scarves or chains, and a lot came with matching accessories. Due to space, I donated 90% of my bags to the Salvation Army and kept the ones that were more suited to my lifestyle.

I've kept about 80% of all the handwritten letters and notes and cards that I have received since I was about 9 years old. The only reason why that is not 100% is that I either lost them in moves or left them in my pockets during laundry day.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

18: Blog Challenge: The Meaning Behind Your Blog Name

If you're reading this on LiveJournal, my username is cyndi_lauper and the titles to both my blog and friends' page are lyrics from Cyndi Lauper's True Colors.

I absolutely adore Cyndi Lauper. When I was a child watching her perform on TV, I thought she was EPIC, and I still do. She has always stayed true to herself, and is beautiful, smart, and articulate, as well as super talented. To this day, she is still one of my role models, and I'm damn near 30 now. As for why lyrics from True Colors? Well, that's simple. The lyrics are the embodiment of being true to yourself, and that's something that I strive for every day. I never want to be fake. I never want to be a carbon copy of someone else. I always want to be ME, and be honest and happy with who I am.

Now, if you're reading this on Blogger, the title of the blog is Vonnieness (with the subheading still being lyrics from True Colors.) In high school, a couple of girl friends of mine added "ness" to the end of our names because not only was it fun to say, but it described who we were just by our names. I was Vonnieness, in both name and being, and they were Amberness, and Nessaness, and Wendyness. They were and still are their own essence, their unique embodiment of beautiful and wonderful.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

17: Blog Challenge: What Is Your Most Proud Moment?

My proudest moment was shortly after midnight on December 27, 2005. I had spent 17 hours in labor at the hospital and my baby was in distress. After an emergency cesarean, Lily was extracted with her umbilical cord wrapped tightly around her neck. It took a few minutes before they could get her breathing again and when I heard that baby finally cry, I knew she had made it. I was so proud of how strong that little girl was. Even at birth, she was feisty, only quieting down when I told her that everything was okay and that her mommy was there for her. Between December 26 and December 27, it was the most painful, exhilarating, terrifying, and powerful moment of my life.

Monday, December 16, 2013

16: Blog Challenge: What's At the Top of Your Bucket List?

You know, I don't actually have a bucket list. I guess one thing I'd really like to do is go to Europe or Japan or something overseas. I've never traveled any further than Puerto Rico in one direction and Hawaii in the other. It'd be nice to go somewhere new.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

15: Blog Challenge: Timeline of Your Day

This is how my days go when I have my kids for the weekend.

8am - wake-up, then fart around for an hour
9am - breakfast and check social media/email
10am - bookwork/lessons/reading/art
12pm - snack
1pm - continue learnings
2pm - lunch
3pm - watch educational children's shows for one hour
4pm - nap/quiet time
6pm - dinner
7pm - read/play/be silly
8pm - kid bath time
9pm - kid bedtime
10pm - once the children are asleep I either watch TV, fart around the internet, text-message people, write/edit, or go bug my mom. :D
12am - bathe
2am - bed

Saturday, December 14, 2013

14: Blog Challenge: If You Won the Lottery...

So, Texas lottery starts at about $12 million. If I won the lottery, I'd pay off all of my debts along with my ex-husband's (170K). I'd buy a decent house that my kids and I could all live in comfortably (100K). I'd replace the car and the van (70K). I'd probably give money to my mom and brother (20K). And definitely put money aside for all the children to go to college (640K). All of that, and I'd still have about $11,000,000 left. I'd probably remodel the house, because knowing me I'd buy something Victorian, and then buy a bunch of books, and then invest the rest. If I won this now, I'd even build my mom's church.

Maybe I'd get some plastic surgery done or something....that's still up in the air, though.

Friday, December 13, 2013

13: Blog Challenge: What is Your Earliest Memory?

When my mom was a single mom in the 80's, she had a nanny whom we called Mama Sol. While I can't remember her entire place, I do remember her couches, which were velvety, red, with black accents. She was my nanny until my mom remarried and moved to the states when I was about 3. That's my earliest memory for sure, but I don't actually remember detailed memories until I was about 5 or 6, living on post in Ft. Lewis, Washington.

Hash Out for 2014

  • January
    • finish editing NaNo13 novel
    • restart BA classes
    • discuss psychiatric treatment
    • begin transcribing old journal entries into computer
    • contact Social Security about living arrangement
  • February
    • send NaNo13 novel to publishers to start publishing process
    • finish previous writing projects
  • March
    • car paid in full!!
  • May
    • request break from classes
    • request reassessment of old CPS case
    • continue writing projects
  • June
    • if reassessment goes well, change child custody agreement.
    • take break from writing projects for summer vacation
  • September
    • continue writing projects
  • October
    • request break from classes for the month of November
    • begin NaNo14 outline
  • November
  • December
    • Edit/finish NaNo14
    • Wash
    • Rinse
    • Repeat

Thursday, December 12, 2013

12: Blog Challenge: What's Inside Your Fridge?

just the basics.

My roommate and I have a lot of nonperishables, so most of our food is in the cabinets. Our fridge looks so sad, but only two people use it.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

11: Blog Challenge: List 15 of Your Favorite Things

This blog challenge is full of lists, isn't it? Oh, well. I said I'd do it.

  1. My kids. They are awesome and hilarious. Never a dull moment with those four.
  2. Reading. I attempt to read 50 books every year.
  3. Writing. I participate in National Novel Writing Month every year
  4. Singing. Sometimes I sing about what I'm doing because I'm weird.
  5. Chocolate. Especially if it has mint, and super-especially if I'm on my period.
  6. Socks. Not the boring kind; I'm talking about they're so bright they hurt your eyes, or they're so cute you want to barf.
  7. Games. Specifically those that are not video games. Pull out some Clue or Magic the Gathering and I'm your girl, especially if you brought booze and pizza.
  8. Eating. Food is my life partner. If I could marry it, I would.
  9. Bags. I had an unbelievable purse/satchel collection that I (thankfully) cut down to just a few cute bags that go with everything. I had to get rid of them only because they took too much space and I had to learn to just let go.
  10. Stationary. Anything I can write or doodle on or with, I want it. Back-to-school shopping is a drug for me. I NEED all of those notebooks, pens, pencils, erasers, and planners and such. I have yet to learn to let go in that area.
  11. Acting like a dork. Laughter is the best medicine. Dressing up like an idiot and doing crazy things with my hair is a needed pastime. Also, drawing faces in my abdomen and making my belly-button talk.
  12. Religion. I like exploring my faith and the faith of others. I want to know what makes people do the things they do, what drives them spiritually.
  13. Rain. Not only is it soothing, but I like to run around in it. It's fun.
  14. Stalking people on social media. Yes. I know it's creepy, but I want to know what you are doing and how you are without you knowing I know.
  15. Pancakes. While not gross, my pancakes are just not as good as my mother's. Almost every time we come to my mom's, my kids and I request she make us pancakes because they are delicious.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

1o: Blog Challenge: What's Your Best Physical Feature?

My best feature? Believe it or not, this is a hard one for me.
I really like my eyes.
I have naturally pouty lips...which are great for kissing. ;)
But I'm told I have sexy legs.

So I don't know. I can't decide.

Monday, December 09, 2013

o9: Blog Challenge: What Are Your Worst Habits?

I have many bad habits, probably too many to list, so for now, I'll give you my top five.

  1. No matter whether I cover my mouth to be polite or not, I belch when I need to. I don't do small burps. You'd think I could, considering how small of a person I am, but it's almost physically impossible. My mom can't stand it when I belch, but hey, at least I cover my mouth at the table; it's not my fault it's so damn loud.
  2. I can't remember when I started, but I bite my nails. I've attempted to stop, with the longest period of time being two weeks, but it's a nervous habit. Also, I have an oral fixation, so every time I quit smoking it would get worse.
  3. I can't seem to quit smoking for longer than a year.
  4. I talk before I think, which usually gets me in trouble.
  5. I procrastinate like it's my job. So much to do, so little fucks to give.

Sunday, December 08, 2013

o8: Blog Challenge: What's In Your Handbag?

*** if you are viewing this in LJ, you will not be able to see the photos. To view them, please go to http://vonnieness.blogspot.com/ ***

Oh jeez, this is my purse: [click on images to enlarge]
My incredibly large purse

After dumping all my shit out
Everything labeled just for you

As to why I have so much in my bag:
Things break or get holes in them, or you need to break something. Hence the sewing, first-aid, pocket knife, and screwdrivers.
I travel a lot. I go back and forth from Austin to Killeen every weekend. I need to be able to not worry about whether or not I can take a shower or look nice where I'm at.
I stay at my ex's and my mom's a lot as well, which is why so many keys.

Saturday, December 07, 2013

o7: Blog Challenge: Your Pet Hates

I'm going to assume that by "pet hates" someone means pet peeves. Pet hates just sounds weird to me, that and I don't really hate anything. Oh, maybe pet loathes.....

  1. Talking to me while I'm watching my stories. I don't care if it's a movie or a show, either wait until it's over or when there's a damn commercial on. Unless you are on fire or someone is dying, shut up.
  2. Calling me every five minutes and never leaving a message. If it's seriously that important, leave a message. Obviously, I'm busy or else I would have answered and/or called you back by now.
  3. Uber-fans, especially fan girls. Okay. I get it. You really like this show, or this movie, or whatever. I know how that feels. I'm a big Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan, and Harry Potter could be my Bible. However, I don't have to talk about them every single day, lose my shit and squeal like an idiot when I see anything remotely related to them, or have to bring them into every other conversation and fantasy imaginable. Calm your panties.
  4. Fifty Shades of Grey. Yes. I can't stand anything related to this. My IQ dropped ten points after reading that crap. Stop bringing it up.
  5. People who argue they are right even after they realize they are wrong. It doesn't matter what the point was in the first place. Their only objective is to win the argument. Well, now my only objective is to punch you in the face.
  6. The fact that the Disney Channel seems to only have 5 shows they like to play over and over and over again. (OK, I know this is more of a complaint than a pet peeve, but I'm sure some other station does this, and if stations are doing this, STOP IT. It's not cute.)
  7. Drowning yourself in perfume/cologne. I need oxygen to breathe, not whatever the hell you're wearing.
  8. Telling me how fat I am. Because, you know, I don't own a mirror.
  9. Parents who let their children be little shits. This is why murders happen. Also, I get it. You may have a child who may have autism, ADHD/ADD or is mentally handicapped. However, I have a genius daughter who plots mayhem, a daughter with Asperger's, and two younger ones who like to bully you out of your food. It's hard, yes, but I try and keep them as sensible as possible to the best of my abilities. If you are just going to sit on your ass and pretend you didn't see your kid just hit mine, I'm going to walk past you and pretend my hand didn't just hit your face.
  10. People who use their children for attention. Stop suddenly making shit up just to one up someone else. Telling me your child has a food allergy a week after I mention my son's food allergy is stupid. Saying your child has a learning disability a week after your sister-in-law mentions her son has a learning disability is just as stupid. Taking your child to the ER every other week when his temperature is only 99.2 just so everyone can pity you is wasting everyone's time and causing your kid grief. Stop it. It's not cute, and I'm going to hit you. And don't get me started on parents who pit their children against each other in a divorce....Lord, Jesus!
I probably have more pet peeves, but these are the top ten, and in no particular order. I wonder what else bugs me....

Friday, December 06, 2013

o6: Blog Challenge: Your 5 Senses Right Now

  1. visual: the eye-candy that is "Supernatural"
  2. audio: the sultry voices of Jensen Ackles and Jared Padelecki. (what?! I'm aware I have a sickness)
  3. textile: laptop keys and mouse-pad
  4. savory: California sushi rolls. (YUM!)
  5. scent: fabric softener scent on my shirt

Thursday, December 05, 2013

o5: Blog Challenge: 10 Songs You Love Right Now

  1. Demi Lovato - Heart Attack
  2. Selena Gomez - Slow Down
  3. Bastille - Pompeii
  4. Daddy Yankee - Limbo
  5. Britney Spears - Work, Bitch
  6. Austin Mahone - What About Love
  7. Katy Perry - Roar
  8. Miley Cyrus - Wrecking Ball
  9. Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
  10. Sean Kingston - Fire Burning
Yeah, I know some of them are outdated. Don't care. This is pretty much my playlist right now. ;) It's my workout music.

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

o4: Blog Challenge: What Are You Afraid Of?

While my mental illness can be a terror at times, the thing I fear the most is losing my kids, permanently. I lost custody over my children after I divorced and CPS deemed me unsafe after my mental breakdown. I always fear that my medication will stop working and I'll severely relapse and that I would never be allowed to be near my kids ever again. It's the only thing that reminds me to take my medication every day; the one thing that keeps me going to my psychiatric appointments.

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

o3: Blog Challenge: Your Favorite Quote

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought: it is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him, as the wheel follows the foot of the ox that draws the carriage... If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him." --Buddha

I love this quote. It is a reminder that you are what you think. If you think positive, positivity will follow you. If you think negative, then negativity follows. Picture it in your mind and you can accomplish anything.

Monday, December 02, 2013

o2: Blog Challenge: 20 Facts About Yourself

  1. English is my second language. I speak and write it well. In elementary school I had to go through the ESL program up until 2nd grade, when they realized I spoke it better than most native-speakers. :D
  2. I started reading at the age of 4. I read in only Spanish until I was 6 and learned how to read in English.
  3. I love tattoos and piercings. With that said, I have 5 tattoos, all on my back, and 4 areas pierced: my ears (4 in right, 3 in left), my nose, my tongue, and one highly inappropriate area that is not to be mentioned within mixed company. :) My tattoos consist of Tinker Bell (for me), a butterfly (for my ex-husband), and three bouquets of the flowers my daughters were named after (Lily, Iris, Rose.) I plan to expand on my tattoos and piercings when fund as available.
  4. I can understand French and Portuguese when being spoken to me, though I can't speak them myself.  I can also read in Portuguese along with Spanish and English.
  5. I was born with curly dark blond hair that darkened when I hit puberty at the age of 8. My curls gave me the appearance of Shirley Temple.
  6. I never planned on having any children. As a child I hated children, yet I still ended up with four.
  7. I know a ridiculous amount of theological information on various religions. It is a hobby of mine.
  8. I love to write. I'm bad at it, but I do it anyway because it makes me happy.
  9. I am a visual learner. If I see it often enough, I will memorize the process and do it myself. That's how I learned to knit, cut hair, and do acrylic nails.
  10. I used to be a serious pothead. Most of my memories of my entire freshman year of high school and half of my sophomore year is a blur and very hazy.
  11. I dropped acid once in high school. I had such a bad trip I never did any drugs harder than marijuana ever again.
  12. I lost my virginity to the man I married. We were together for eleven years. Now that I'm single again, I have no idea what I'm doing.
  13. My mental illness scares me. I hear, see, feel, smell, and taste things that aren't there. The hallucinations can sometimes be so vivid, I can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality. I have had this issue since I was 7 years-old, though I was diagnosed only a year ago.
  14. I love archery and know how to shoot with a bow.
  15. I'm a devout Pagan. My main practice is close to Wicca, though I incorporate Buddhist, Celtic, Tao, Hellenistic, Hindu, and Santeria beliefs.
  16. I love arts & crafts, though I don't do them often enough. I know how to sew, cross-stitch, crochet, knit, scrapbook, draw, and make things out of random objects most people throw away. I made a functioning Ouija board out of an old box, laminate paper, stencils, paint, bits of plastic, and a wooden dowel. Since I don't do them frequently, all of my crafts are mediocre at best. :-/
  17. I'm musically inclined. Not only can I read sheet music, but I sing exceptionally well, and can play a little of piano. I was told I have a great ear (I can easily figure out how to play a song just by listening to it) and know how to rock a mean tambourine.
  18. I procrastinate so much, I end up being lazy. If it's not going to kill me, what's the point of doing it now? That is, until I've put something off so long I'm in a panic trying to get it done because by then it has started to cause problems.
  19. I love keeping in touch with people. I'm still in contact with people from almost twenty years ago, and now with social media, it's become even easier.
  20. I used to homeschool my children like a boss. Unfortunately, due to a nervous breakdown, they now go to public school and I have no idea what to do with all my free time. I still have them do bookwork on the weekends.
Obviously, these are just a few facts about me. I'm more complicated than this, those sometimes I like to believe I'm not. Doing this list was actually difficult because I forget what a serious weirdo I am on occasion.

Sunday, December 01, 2013

o1: Blog Challenge: Introduction and Recent Photo

october 2013

HI EVERYONE! For those of you who don't know me, my name is Yvonne, though most everyone calls me Vonnie, and my family calls me something else entirely. :D I'm 27, Hispanic (Puerto Rican), a mom of four, and a Pagan.

I grew up military, so I moved around a lot, but I've lived in Texas for most of my childhood and call it home. Along with Texas, I've lived in Puerto Rico, Washington, Oklahoma, Hawaii, Nebraska, and Iowa. I've moved out of Texas and have come back twice.

Family means a lot to me, and I'm close to my mom, and super close to my sister. I have two brothers, one whom I don't know well due to us having different mothers and growing up apart, and the other who has been more of a dad to me when I had none. I have four children, three girls and a boy, and they are my world. While I only have custody of them on the weekends, I try and be with them as much as I can. I work very hard to be a good mom even though it can be very hard on me sometimes. Their dad and I divorced after eleven years together; we were high school sweethearts.

I can be very weird sometimes, to the point of hilarity. I love my friends who accept me for who I am, and who laugh at me for the crazy things I do. I wouldn't change it for the world.

I suffer from schizoaffective disorder. Technically, it is a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar mood disorder. Symptoms very from person to person, but for me, I have delusions and hallucinations that can make life very difficult and somewhat scary. It is triggered from moments of high stress and the symptoms can be so sever I can't differentiate reality from fantasy.

No matter what happens in my life I try and stay positive as best as I can. I'm a little messed up, and broken in places, but I accept me for me, and I'm okay with that. Sure, I try and be a better me every day, but I'm happy to work hard for me.

31-Day Blogging Challenge

OK. Now that NaNoWriMo is done and over with and I am alive, I decided to do this 31-day blogger challenge that I stole from my friend Cynthia. Feel free to steal it, too.

A new post will soon follow. :)

Saturday, November 30, 2013



Seven years of participating in this, first time win! I didn't think I would make it and I wanted to do murders, but I got it done! <3 YAY.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Putting My Defenses Up

I'm really trying to move on. I'm really trying to be a better person, a better me.

I've been very depressed lately. I don't have any medication for mood swings, so I've been dealing with my ups and downs on my own. I'm okay with that, but I've been incredibly weepy these past few days. I've had a lot on my mind and it's so exhausting just trying to function.

Everyone keeps asking me what I want to do with my life or what direction I'm headed in. To be honest, I don't know. I just don't fucking know, and I wish everyone would stop asking me. I've only been divorced three-and-a-half months. My last stint in the hospital was only 7 months ago. I have no idea what I'm doing.

I sat and talked to J tonight. It was his birthday, so he spent it with family, but when he got home I came over and kissed the kids goodnight and we sat and talked for a bit about plans for Thanksgiving. We had an argument, like always, but it was based on miscommunication, like always. Anyway, talking about our miscommunication led off to other topics and I finally shared all of my fears, my anger, my pain with him. I sat and cried for about an hour while I told him everything that keeps me up at night.

For once he didn't interrupt me, he didn't argue, he didn't say anything, really. The thing that struck a chord with me, though, was how he explained his alcoholism and how I bailed when things became unsafe. (I don't mean 'bail' in a bad sense; it was something that needed to be done at that time.) When he became a threat to not only himself but to everyone around him, I had to leave, because if I hadn't, I either would have miscarried Lily or died. I was gone for a year. He told me that it was the hardest and most loneliest year of his life, but he got through it. He didn't push it, he didn't chase me, he let me go, and he worked on himself. It was emotionally draining, but he did it, and became better because of it.

At first I thought this was a terrible example considering alcoholism isn't schizophrenia, but then I pondered a bit and started comparing apples to apples. Yes, they are two different diseases, but they are both a battle of your mind, of your will. J will always be an alcoholic. Even if he has been sober for X amount of years, if he slips up, he'll end up back to where he started. It's ingrained into his brain, will always be there, and all he can do is take the steps to stay clean. It's not as simple as just saying no to alcohol, it's a battle of will. It's a responsibility. In way, I'm the same. I will always be a schizophrenic. I'll never escape it; it will always be there. Sure, I can be symptom free for X amount of years, but if I slip up and not take my medication, I'll end up back to where I started. It's part of my chemistry, ingrained into my DNA, and all I can do is take the steps to stay healthy.

I've been so wrapped up in the negative, I forgot what I was supposed to be doing. I'm giving myself time for me. I'm going to stop listening to everyone around me about what they think I should be doing, and follow my heart on what I know I need to do.

Ugh. This will either make or break me.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

You Cannot Edit

My room is a godawful mess of clothing, books, paper, and dishes.
I'm out of cigarettes.
I'm out of tea.
Thank God for coffee, even if it's a day old.
I am in desperate need of a shower. I smell and my hair is gross.
Word count is stressing me out.

22K and still trucking along.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

NaNoWriMo Is Eating My Soul

I am a shell of a person.
I've barely eaten.
I've barely slept.
I smoke too much.
My vision is fucked.
My back hurts like hell.
I have to wear braces on my wrists.
I'm 20K in and I have no idea where I'm going with this story.



Thursday, November 07, 2013

No, I Can't Take One More Step Towards You

I'm in tears.
I'm sitting in my bed, typing out my story for NaNoWriMo, and I am literally in tears.
Is it because the story sucks tremendously? No. Not that at all. I'd actually be okay with that. It's because the scene I'm writing has moved me so much I'm crying! What the fuck? you say? Yes, my thoughts exactly.

I'm in the middle of my sixth chapter, and a little behind on my personal word count goals, but I'm trucking along. However, this chapter has really gotten to me. I wrote the first two chapters without a hitch, even though they were morbid and heart-wrenching in many ways. This one, though, I don't know. My main character is upset, because she has to defend herself, and she tells the boys off by listing what she's gone through. As I type it, I can't help but feel connected to my character. How would I feel if this happened to me? I once had a husband. I *have* four kids. What if they were suddenly gone? Then it hits me, like a fucking tidal wave, and I'm sobbing so hard I can't see what I'm typing.

I'm taking a break. This shit is crazy.

Monday, November 04, 2013

NaNo13: The Fourth Wall

Was working on my NaNo project when this happened:

"'Lo!" pipes a little voice from the table. Terra, Sun's almost two-year-old daughter, sits in a chair next to her father, swinging her legs.
"Hey, cubby," Kaya says sweetly, and gives the little girl a hug and a kiss on the top of her head. Kaya turns to see Sun's mother, Miss Luna, sitting on Terra's other side. Luna is deaf and signals to Kaya a hello. Kaya waves and gives Miss Luna a squeeze before sitting down across from Terra, inbetween [sic] Johnny and Miss Luna. Kaya realizes that Mr. Redundancy is being redundant.

...well, there goes the fourth wall.

Sunday, November 03, 2013


So, I've decided I won't be posting anymore parts of my NaNo13 novel for now. I may post a few excerpts here and there every now and then, but for now, not whole chapters. I need to focus on writing and less on trying to share it while in progress. :) For now, just know it's day 3 of NaNo and I'm at 11k already. WOOT! One of my fellow WriMos in my region hit 50K yesterday. All I could think was "Does this guy NOT have a life?!" Of course, it was word count envy.

Wake me up when November ends....

NaNo13: Part Three

Words: 3636

NOVEMBER 1, 3017
SEASON: rudens

Kaya stares at herself in the mirror, remembering that fateful afternoon so many years ago. She lay in her son's bed for a year, barely eating or drinking, taken care of by Sun. While in her state, she had managed to ask Sun to get rid of all the food and appliances. They had been dropped off at a donation center for those who had survived the disaster. She hadn't kept any of her pots and pans and most of her dishes were gone. The stove was still in place, but never used, and the dishwasher had been removed, leaving a giant gaping hole in the cabinetry. All the bathroom doors were shut, as she had no running water, and the only time she actually went in any of them was to make sure nothing had crawled in there and made itself a den or to use a mirror like she was doing now. The pictures had been tidied from broken glass and frames and placed in a box. Anything that had been in the storage closet under the stairs had been removed. Even most of her clothes had been removed. The books and the bookcases had been left untouched, along with the children's room.

Clicking back to reality, Kaya grabs her comb and runs it through her long curls, her hair almost reaching her knees. Reaching behind her, she grabs her black hair and braids it over her left shoulder. Almost five winters, five ziemas, have passed since then. Five years she has been alone. She leaves the bathroom and sliding her feet into her boots, Kaya grabs her bow and quiver of arrows resting on her bed and straps them to her back. The sun has fallen beneath the horizon and it is time to hunt. Leaving her bedroom she stops in front of her children's room. She hasn't been inside for years. Resting her hand on the closed door, she recites a soft prayer for their souls. Every night she says this prayer right before a hunt. Every night for almost four years now.

Locking the door behind her, Kaya walks the perimeter of her house. After she had finally returned to her senses, she had found planks of wood from collapsed houses and nails and had boarded all of her windows. Now that the glass had shattered, she needed all of these opened areas closed so no one would come inside. It had been a large pain in the ass, but she had managed it. When she had run out of the nails she had in her toolbox, she took the ones holding the frames on the walls and used those. When those had run out, she had scavenged foundered homes and buildings for building materials. The fence around her house had been fixed and expanded. She had dug a well in her backyard and kept it safe with a car door she had garnered from an abandoned vehicle on the street. A garden was created and grew alongside the house, using her own urine as a way to fertilize and make the herbs, fruits, and vegetables flourish. Even her peach tree had begun bearing fruit last year.

All seemed quiet around her home. No one dared mess with her well or her garden, not since the last person who did ended up with an arrow in the butt. Satisfied with her surroundings, Kaya grabs a satchel left leaning against the garden fence. Inside are nuts and dried herbs in small little velvet bags, and weapons of various styles. The sky is dark now and Kaya knows no one is watching. Pulling out a belt from the bag, she grabs a machete and a dagger with a blade about fifteen centimeters in length. The belt holds a sheath for each blade and she buckles it into place around her waist. She sifts through the bag, making sure all of her tools are in order; a compass, rope, bandages, and an ointment she made out of herbs she found in the woods. Pulling out a small canteen, she walks to the well and moves the car door aside just enough to expose the opening. Grabbing the bucket whose chain has been bricked into the well, she lowers it down to fill with ground water and pours the cool liquid inside the canteen. Standing up, Kaya places the canteen into a pocket latched to her belt. Grabbing her satchel, she climbs the inside of the fence and launches herself to the ground, heading north into the woods.

Up in the lower branches of a tree, Kaya nocks an arrow in preparation for her hunt. Her breathing is calm, paced, and shallow, so as not to make too much noise and scare away the small animals she hopes to make her dinner. Spying a delphi, a marsupial animal resembling Earth's opossum, Kaya raises her bow and arrow, stretching out her left arm and pulling back the string until her right hand is level with her chin. "What are you doing up there?" she hears below her. Startled, Kaya turns, almost loosening her arrow.

"Damn it, Sun. I almost shot you in the face."

"Sorry. I thought you were food and was about to come after you. I was startled when I found you in a tree."

"Sun, you know how I smell. You know I'm not food."

"I know, but you know my sense of smell is a bit off until both moons are on top of each other." Kaya looks up at the sky. Both moons are visible now that it's dark, sitting side by side, but the only way the zoanthropes know when their abilities are at their peak is when the red moon is above the yellow moon.

"Every twenty-nine and a half days, am I right?"

"Yep, and that doesn't happen for another three days. It's even worse now that I'm pregnant again."

"Shouldn't you be home with Johnny and Terra?"

"My mom's with them. Johnny injured himself in the last hunt, and my mom being human makes it difficult to hunt as well as we do. I have to make it home soon, anyway. My breasts are already beginning to swell, so Terra's bound to be hungry soon." At this, Sun adjusts her breasts inside her shirt, wincing slightly at her own touch. "So what are you doing in that tree?"

"The same reason you are out and about. I was about to shoot a delphi when your dumb ass ruined it. Now I'll have to wait even longer for something else to come along. Maybe I'll be able to find another delphi, or even a rocyon."

"Sorry about that. I seriously thought you were a bigger animal. I must have confused your scent with the delphi's. I did find a nest of sleeping sciuros if you want one," Sun says, holding up a satchel toward Kaya. "I know it's no delphi, but it's something. There are, like, seven of them in there so you can take two if you want." Kaya jumps down from the tree landing inches away from Sun. Opening the satchel, she grabs one and shoves it into her own bag.

"Thanks, but one is enough. You have a husband and a child to feed." Kaya's heart aches saying these words. Damn it, it's been five years. Get over yourself. "Besides, I'll be hunting for a little while longer. I'm sure I'll find something." Hugging Sun, she adds, "I'll see you tomorrow, and hopefully, you won't confuse me with food again." Laughing, Sun parts, and heads home. Kaya smiles at her friend and once again climbs the tree in anticipation for another critter to come out into her line of vision.

If it were safe to hunt during the day, she would. In the light, her vision is clearer, being able to see the magnetic energy fields everything emits. In the darkness, the colors are dim and she has to concentrate much harder to see them. Her sense of feeling them doesn't change, but the colors they emit are what she needs to see. But if she hunts during the day, she becomes the hunted. So many of her people, the new people, like her and Sun, the Chaoziran, are being hunted, disappearing to Jove knows where. She can't take the chance of being captured. At night her only worry is finding food, but during the day, she has to be extra careful in hopes that none of the humans find her out.

Karl sets his beer down on the table. The pub is noisy and full of hunters. The stench of man sweat assaults his nostrils and he's sure that someone has vomited somewhere. "So why are we here in Summer Tree? Couldn't you find a city in Saxet that wasn't hit by an asteroid? There are plenty of states here in Haven, hell, in the entire continent of Ironside, that aren't crawling with crazy people around a large crater. It's hard to find a place here with electricity."

Michael looks up from his notes at his older brother. "Seriously, how many times must I remind you that the Chaoziran are more powerful and more common around the site of a meteorite? The radiation helps heighten their abilities."

Karl snorts and takes another swig of his beer. "Calm your panties, man. You don't have to get all snippy."

"I'm not snippy. If you would do your research ahead of time I wouldn't have to keep repeating myself. It's incredibly vexing and it makes me want to punch you in the face."

"Blah, blah, blah, I don't care. I repeat, why are we here?"

Michael grows in frustration. "How old are you? Thirty-five? Why must you act like a child?"

"Why must you act like an old fart?"

"Karl, shut up. I have not had enough beer for this shit."

"Quit being such a whiney bitch. Why. Are. We. Here?"

Growling louder, Michael balls his hands into fists and takes a few calming deep breaths. He does not want a fight with his brother. He doesn't care that Karl is the older of the two. He's taller and less drunk. He could easily lay Karl down flat, but now is not the time. "We are here for the same reason we were in Morning Star last week. We have a bounty to collect."

"What kind? Lycan? Ailuran?"

"No. No zoanthropes."

"Blood suckers, then."

"No. No vampires or zombi, either." Michael leans in closer to his brother. "We're hunting a nahualli."

"A witch?" Karl's voice drops down to a whisper. The last thing he needs is for one of the other hunters to overhear. "That is the rarest form of Chao there is. They can easily manipulate people into thinking they are human; they blend in with everyone else. Are you sure there's one here?"

"Yes," Michael says, pushing his notes around toward his brother. "The Ironside Disease Control Center specifically hired us to find this witch. They're willing to pay us 1,500 each if we bring her in unharmed. Only 1,000 each if she's hurt but brought back alive, and 500 if we bring back her body. Her name is Kaya Miller, formerly Blackthorne. Her parents were Peter and Zinnia Blackthorne. Five years ago she was married to a Jason Miller and had four children. All of them, including her in-laws and three siblings she had, died in the asteroid crashes. Up until recently, it was thought that she had died in the disaster as well. When the DCC came to sweep the area last month, someone reported seeing a woman exiting out of the house listed under Jason's name. She's rarely seen during the day, and rumor has it she is never found around any of the zoanthropes or dhampirs. There's no evidence to show she's a regenerate, either. The picture on file is from about fifteen years ago when she was still a teenager, so I'm sure she's changed, but probably not by much. I'm told that nahuallis, along with the dhampirs, age slowly." Leaning back against his seat, Michael waits until Karl lets everything sink in.

"So all we have to do is bring her to the Capital alive and we end up with three grand?"

"That's pretty much it."

Karl studies the picture still on the table. "How old was she here?"


"She looks twelve. So you're saying she still looks like this?"

"Pretty much. The only thing that she could have changed is her hair, unless she's ended up with some disfiguring scar across her face or something." Karl continues to stare at the picture. "What is it?"

"You say this was taken almost fifteen years ago?"

Michael nods. "Yeah. It's the only picture they had on file, the one she took when she received her driving certificate on her identification card. Why?"

"It's just that she looks so tiny, like a child."

"Technically she is tiny. She's only about 15 decimeters high." Michael watches as Karl traces his fingers over Kaya's features. Her dark curls are short and frame her face, her brown eyes large and innocent. Her lips are full and her light brown skin seems flawless, with only a few freckles scattered across her round cheeks and button nose. A look of confusion crosses Karl's face. "Whatever it is, don't worry about it. She's thirty-one right now, not much younger than I am."

Karl sighs and pushes the papers back at his brother. "You're right. It just makes me feel weird. We're in our thirties, just like she is, but we look like we're in our thirties, you know? Here I am, I've got crow's feet at my eyes, and grey hair sprinkled on the sides of my head, and there she is looking twelve. That's not natural."

"That's not the only thing unnatural about her, and that's why we have to find her and take her to the DCC."

"I need another beer," says Karl and raises his right hand to flag down a waitress.

Michael quickly scoops up his papers and slides them neatly into a folder before shoving them into the bag draped on the back of his chair. I don't know what's gotten into him, he muses. Since when does Karl care what our subject looks like? We've bagged dhampirs who've looked just as young. Maybe not quite so young, but young nonetheless. Not to mention the zoans we've captured that were only children. It's a good thing her children died in that asteroid crash, though, or else we would be hunting them as well.

Kaya sighs. After an extra hour in the woods, she was unable to find a larger animal to eat. The delphi never returned after being scared off by Sun. She had seen a mus, a rodent even smaller than the sciuro, but it had been snatched up by a strigi bird almost immediately after Kaya had taken aim for it. Now she stands in her backyard in front of her grill, poking the firewood and frowning at her partially-cooked sciuro. "This is some bullshit," she mutters, turning over the skinned animal on the rack. "I would have settled for a lepus, but no, even that was asleep and hiding somewhere." A sudden cracking noise startles Kaya out of her foul mood. Moving quickly and silently, Kaya grabs the lid of the grill and sets it gently on top, closing the vent and extinguishing the flame. Crouching low, she walks the perimeter of the garden and squeezes into a corner by the gate, making sure she is hidden by shadows. She hears voices, men's voices, none of which she recognizes.

"Is this it?" asks Karl, taking in the view of the house. Michael nods. "Are you sure? It looks abandoned."

"It's the address on the paper the DCC gave me. It has to be."

"Mikey, this shit looks like no one has lived in here for the past five years. I mean, look at this. All the windows are busted and boarded up, the fence is a hot mess, though still in one piece, and there are fucking coppe webs everywhere. Sure, the grass is much lower than it should be, but it's still too tall for anyone who would want to live in this place."

"True, but isn't that what you would want people to think if you were trying to lay low? She can't possibly live like a normal human when people believe she's dead."

"Nobody can live like a normal human in this place. There's no electricity, no water, no nothing. Hell, the only people who could survive in a place like this would be Chaoziran. This area must be crawling with them."

"You're probably right, Karl, but that's not what we're looking for here. Let's go check shit out."

Shrinking further into the shadows, Kaya holds her breath in anticipation. So the bounty hunters (Karl and, was it Michael?) are finally after me, she reflects. She presses her ear harder against the fence post in hopes of better hearing the conversation.

"I can't see anything through the boards on the windows, it's too dark inside." says Mike. "Have you tried the door?"

"Yeah, it's locked."

"And? When has that ever stopped you?"

"Listen, genius, we came here straight from the pub. I am most likely drunk and all of my shit is in our room back at the motel by said pub. Excuse me for not thinking we were going to go hunting immediately after drinking, because, you know, that makes sense."

"SH!" Mike hisses. "Shut up, Karl. A simple 'I left it behind' would have sufficed. Geez. Now be quiet, you're getting too loud." He signals at his brother for silence. Grimacing, Karl throws up his hand in a rude gesture toward his brother. "Oh, real classy, Karl. Quit being a child."

"Stop being such a pansy. There's nobody here."

"You know, sometimes you are the worst bounty hunter ever." Sighing, Mike walks over to the gate and attempts to peer over it; he's just tall enough that the tip of his nose touches the top. Now paralyzed with fear, Kaya sends a silent prayer out into the ether in hopes no one notices her as she squishes further into the corner where the fence meets the brick of the house.

"Anything?" pipes Karl when he notices Mike standing on tip-toe against the gate.

"Not really. Even though there is plenty of light from the moons, there are too many shadows cast from the plants. All I can see is what looks like a car door on the ground."

"Why the hell would someone leave a car door in the middle of their backyard?"

Incredibly frustrated with his brother, Mike sighs and reaches for the gate's handle. "Man, I don't know." The gate gives a little but doesn't open.

Kaya closes her eyes, curling into a ball. Please let it still be locked. I went to hunt by jumping over the fence. I came back by jumping it again. I never used the gate. Please let it still be locked. Please, please, please.

Mike pulls on the handle again, harder this time, hearing metal against metal. Looking down, he finally notices the small padlock looped through the gate's latch. "It's locked. Doesn't miss a single one, does she?"

"You could jump the fence."

"You jump the fence."

"Dude, I'm drunk. I could break something."

"Yeah, well you're also short, useless." Quickly ducking, Mike narrowly misses a punch thrown directly at his face. Kaya relaxes at the sounds of the boys' scuffle. The two of them can be heard rolling in the grass, grunting and cursing, spitting out bits of grass and dirt. "Knock it off, Karl!" Mike seethes. Karl is pinned to the ground, his face in the dirt and arms behind his back while Mike sits on him. "We don't have time for this."

"Fine!" Karl spits, dirt still stuck on his lips. "I'm fine. Now, get off me." Rising to his feet, Mike lets go of Karl's hands. "Are we done here?" Karl asks, dusting the dirt off his hands and clothing. Kaya stiffens. "I'm tired, drunk, and now bruised and probably bleeding." He taps a spot on his bottom lip, checking the tips of his fingers. "Yep, I'm bleeding. I am fucking bleeding. Way to go, Mikey."

Mike shrugs. "You took a swing at me, remember? You deserved it. As to whether or not we're done here, yeah, we're done. Without any of our supplies, we can't get much done, now can we? Especially with her having locked everything. I could jump the fence, but I'm too tired myself to exert that much energy. We'll call it a night and head back to the hotel. We'll come back tomorrow."

"Good, because I am done." With a spit of blood, Karl punctuates his sentence.

Keeping her ear pressed to the fence, Kaya waits until the boys' receding footsteps are no longer heard. Slowly letting out the breathe she had forgotten she was holding, Kaya lifts herself up and stretches her now stiffened joints. The temperature outside has dropped since she started cooking the sciuro and she's lost her appetite. Quietly climbing the fence, she peers over it to make sure the men are gone. Seeing no one, she drops back down and walks to the grill, opening its lid. The sciuro is still only partially cooked, but still warm. Not wanting it to go to waste she grabs it, walks in the house through the back door, locks it behind her, and sits on the couch in the living room. Taking a bite of meat, she considers her new situation. Well, she concludes. I'm fucked.

Total: 8257/50000

Saturday, November 02, 2013

Discover nine novel English neologisms now

The slang term nerd means an intelligent but single-minded person, obsessed with a certain hobby or pursuit, e.g. a computer nerd. But the word that has been the bane of so many elementary schoolers' existence was actually invented by their king: none other than Dr. Seuss himself! The word first appeared in print in Seuss' 1950 picture book, If I Ran the Zoo, though Seuss' 'nerd' is a small animal from the land of Ka-Troo, not a pale kid with glasses taped together.

The origin of this word may add some unexpected irony to the well-known internet browser. Originally coined by Jonathan Swift in his 1726 novel Gulliver's Travels, Yahoo refers to the brutish race of homo sapiens ruled by the Houyhnhnm, a noble race of speaking horses. Swift's Yahoos display all of the vices of humanity with none of the virtues, thus it makes sense that the word has come to mean 'a course or brutish person.' If you say 'yahoo' loud enough you might be moved to experience our next neologism.

Lewis Carroll coined this funny term for a gleeful chuckle in his 1872 novel, Through the Looking Glass, the sequel to Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. In the novel, the word appears in a verse poem titled "The Jabberwocky," in which Alice finds a book that can only be read using a mirror. The old man in the poem "chortles in his joy" when his son beheads the terrible monster. Today the word is widely thought to be a combination of 'chuckle' and 'snort.'

A quark can be any group of elementary particles that combine to become a subatomic particle such a neutron or proton. In other words, quarks are some of the smallest building blocks of an atom. In 1964 the U.S. physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the particle after a word he found in James Joyce's novel, Finnegan's Wake. Joyce's quotation reads, "Three quarks for Muster Mark," with 'quark' referring to the cry of the seagull.

Utopia is the title of Sir Thomas More's whimsical and satirical book written in 1516. More envisions a perfect society situated on an island that he names Utopia. Developing the word from the Greek topos for 'place,' More choose the prefix ou- or u- meaning 'not' or 'no.' Thus the name Utopia quite literally means no place at all. Even though More might have his reservations about the achievability of a perfect world, our next neologism might be the closest thing to a perfect sound.

The American poet and author Edgar Allen Poe coined this onomatopoetic word in his 1849 poem "The Bells." The poem was published shortly after Poe's death, and though the four sections of the piece become progressively darker as Poe describes four different types of bells, tintinnabulation characterizes the joyous sound of silver sleigh bells, foretelling "a world of merriment." The word is derived from the Latin tinnire meaning 'to ring' combined with the instrumental suffix 'bulum.'

Do you feel like nobody groks you? Don't worry, Robert A. Heinlein does. In his 1961 best-selling science fiction novel, Stranger in a Strange Land, Heinlein coined the term to mean an understanding so thorough that "the observer becomes a part of the observed--to merge, blend, intermarry, lose identity in group experience." But in common usage the term means to communicate sympathetically or to 'drink in' understanding. If you're reading this off a screen, you'll definitely grok our next neologism.

Though you might not want to build a house there, anyone with a computer has a stake in cyberspace. Coined by the science fiction writer William Gibson, cyberspace first appeared in a 1982 short story. The word combines the terms 'cybernetics' (the use of mechanical and electronic systems to replace human function) and 'space' (an area or realm). Together they form 'cyberspace,' the realm of electronic communication or virtual reality. If you've ever thought 'virtual reality' was a bit of an oxymoron, you might be familiar with our final neologism.

"The deal sounds great, but what's the catch?" Have you heard something like this? Then you'd better hope the catch isn't a Catch-22. The phrase represents a frustrating situation in which one is trapped by contradictory regulations or conditions. Catch-22 is the title and central problem of Joseph Heller's 1961 novel, and in Heller's context the catch represents a simultaneously dangerous and idiotic military regulation that maddens the poor characters tangled in his Catch-22.

provided to you by Dictionary.com

NaNo13: [2]

(I realized much later that I had titled the first post as "prologue" when I had decided not to do a prologue and just have a continuous story throughout with some needed time gaps in between. My bad. Also, sorry about the format. I type this shit up when I'm tired....which, to be honest, I'm always tired. NOTE: The original is posted on my blogger http://vonnieness.blogspot.com )

****PaRt TwO****
Words: 1608

DECEMBER 25, 3012
SEASON: zeima

In the darkness, Kaya lays under a stack of boxes, not knowing how many days have passed, waking up to a completely new world. Opening her eyes she sees how bright the colors are, everything in a new focus. Someone has come in the house, calling out to her, hoping that someone is alive. "Jason? Kaya? Jasmine? Anybody?" asks the voice. A woman's voice, Kaya realizes. It's the neighbor, Sun. She has now called out all of their names, but Kaya is the only one who can answer.

"I'm in here!" Kaya cries out from underneath the boxes. Her voice is weak and her entire body hurts. How long have I been here? she asks herself. How many others have survived? Sun opens the door to the storage closet, temporarily blinding Kaya.

"Oh, honey! Are you okay?" Sun cries, rushing to her friend and squatting down to be near Kaya's head. Kaya makes a noise in reply. She doesn't know how to answer. Her body hurts, but nothing feels broken, just sore. The boxes are heavy, but not so heavy that serious damage has been done. However, Kaya's heart is broken. Physically, she's okay. Emotionally, she's breaking.

Sun assesses the situation. Carefully grabbing the boxes, Sun lifts them and somehow manages to remove them all off of Kaya. It was interesting, considering that she and Sun were both small and frail-looking. "How'd you find me?" Kaya asks as she and Sun clasp arms and she is gently helped into a standing position.

"I knew you were here," Sun says. "I could smell you. Does that sound weird?"

Kaya looks up at her friend, seeing an aura of color around Sun. Looking around, Kaya notices she could see colors everywhere, halos of energy around everything. "No," she said. "You have no idea how normal that sounds right now."

"Where is everybody?" asks Sun as she guides Kaya out of the storage closet and onto the couch against the south wall of the living room. The floor is still littered with glass, the television no longer attached to its cord and in complete disarray on the floor. They both sit on the couch, Sun looking concerned for Kaya, and Kaya looking straight ahead, facing the television cabinet, yet not really seeing.

"They were in the city," she says, not looking at Sun.

"Oh, honey bunches. I'm so sorry." Sun wraps her arms around Kaya. Kaya winces at the sudden touch, causing her to cry out in pain. "Do you need me to get you anything?" Sun asks, quickly letting go.

"No. There's nothing I want and need that you can get me."

"Have you been under those boxes since it happened?" Sun continues.

"Yes. I've been out the whole time. Your voice was what woke me. If I hadn't heard you, who knows how long I would have stayed under? Hell, if you hadn't come, who knows how long I'd still be there?"

"Like I said, I smelled you out. I could hear your heartbeat. It's been four days, and they have been the strangest four days of my life. I went into some kind of shock that left me incapacitated for a day or two, like I was dying. Then out of nowhere, I'm okay, and I feel different. New. My sense of hearing is off the charts and so is my sense of smell. That's not all if it, either. The way I walk and run and jump; all of that has changed. And you want to hear the strangest part?" Kaya stares and nods. "I can talk to lykoi. All of them. I went out into the woods just yesterday to try and find something to eat, when a lykos came sniffing around the same area. I originally guessed that she was hunting like I was, until she spoke to me."

Kaya's eyes widened. Sun spoke to a lykos? They were feral beasts, four-legged and full of fur with sharp canines that could tear meat to shreds. They also liked the taste of human if you were alone, wandering around the woods, and the lykoi hadn't eaten in days. The domesticated kynesi were descendants of the original lykoi, and now a distant cousin. Kaya had had a kyon as a child, and her parents eventually ended up with two kynesi later, but she couldn't imagine ever talking to any of them.

"She didn't actually speak," Sun continued, snapping Kaya back to the conversation. "It was weird, actually. Lykoi don't have cheeks, so it's not like they can actually talk, other than their barks and howls, but I could hear her so clearly. And it wasn't really in words. You see, I could hear her in my mind, but it was more like it was all in pictures. Am I making any sense?"

Kaya shook her head. She was sore and confused, and, now, a little scared. What if Sun was losing sanity? What if Kaya herself was losing sanity? What if this entire conversation was all in Kaya's mind and she was actually still unconscious under a pile of boxes?

Sighing, Sun frowns and looks down at her hands. "I don't know what's happening, Kai. It's really freaking me out, and I can't explain it properly. All I know is that I'm somehow connected to lykoi. Whenever I'm out in those woods, they find me and follow me. I'm okay with it because I know, and I do mean know, that they aren't going to hurt me. It's like, they see me as their own; we're family." With another exasperated sigh, Sun flops against the back of the couch and looks up at the ceiling. "All of this sounds completely insane," she says to herself.

Kaya stares at her friend and really looks at her. A halo of colorful energy surrounds Sun in various shades. Shades of yellow and orange play around the edges of Sun's body with wisps of grey suddenly forming throughout. Kaya doesn't fully understand what she's seeing, but upon looking down at her own hands, she realizes the colors surrounding her own body. Shades of red and tendrils of black play around her, swirling, vibrating, pulsing.

"Sun," she starts. "It's not crazy. If you could see what I see right now, you'd know that what you've experienced is just the tip of the iceberg." Kaya and Sun gaze at each other. Tentatively, Sun reaches out for her friend; Kaya responds slowly, measuredly, and hugs Sun in return.

In their embrace, Kaya realizes how nice Sun smells. She smells clean, washed. Pulling away, she is aware of how she must smell. She's been in a storage closet for four days.. Her clothes are dry, but they smell, and she realizes she must have expressed herself unknowingly because of the large stain along the lap of her jeans. "I need to change," she says to Sun, and instinctively stands and heads up the stairs, Sun closely behind.

Kaya heads into the first bathroom directly at the top of the stairs. The lights don't work. Of course, nothing would work at this point. Wait, where is all the light coming from? She leaves and heads down the hall into her own bedroom. Of course, the windows. The curtains hadn't been drawn, and light spills through the pane-less frames, glass still scattered underneath and stuck within the carpet.

In her closet, Kaya moves mechanically and unseeing, undresses, and grabs a dress, long at the skirt and sleeves to keep away the cold of the season. She it dawns on her that if the electricity is not working, than the plumbing probably isn't either. She's not even going to take the chance. Dressed in clean clothes, flattens her curls to the best of her abilities and walks out into the hallway, all the while being carefully watched by Sun.

At the end of the hallway, opposite to the stairs' landing, is the children's room. Kaya slowly walks in, hypnotic and dazed. She takes in the room. The frames on the walls have all fallen, sitting broken either on the floor or on the top bunks. The striped curtain sways in the breeze against the windowless frame. Other than the remnants of having the entire house shaken from an asteroid hit, the whole room has been left untouched. Kaya sits on her son's bed and grabs the one stuffed animal he left on top after the room had been initially cleaned. It's an old thing, originally hers as a child, and had been passed generation to generation for only Jove knows how long. It is tattered and patched, and none of the original fabric has survived. A small, soft elephant, an ancient animal from earth that resembles their pelefante, sits cradled in Kaya's hands as they rest in her lap.

Kaya lets out a strangled sob and collapses on the bed, her cries being smothered by the pillow. She wails and lets her tears be absorbed by the fabric. Everything hurts. Everything. If only I had gone out with them. If only they had stayed. If only that fucking washing machine hadn't busted. I would still have them; I would still have my babies.

Sun, who has been patiently waiting at the doorway, now walks up to the bed. Reaching above her,she grabs a quilt and gently wraps it around Kaya. Crawling into the bed, she lays behind Kaya, who cried uncontrollably still clutching the elephant, and wraps her own arm around her friend. Sun stays quiet and just holds Kaya, until the sobs and wails quiet down, and Kaya eventually falls asleep.

Total: 4621/50000

Friday, November 01, 2013

I Came In Like a Wrecking Ball

( NOTE: if you are reading this in LiveJournal and wish to see the photos I posted, the original post is at http://vonnieness.blogspot.com/ )

OCT 30: So, my date went well. I had a great time with Mike. He took me out to dinner and a movie. We got lost at one point, couldn't see due to rain "Turn off the windshield wipers; the don't work, they're just making it worse!", hit a concrete island, and talked... a lot. :) AND I didn't act like a tramp! Good job, me! We saw the newest rendition of Carrie, which I enjoyed, and I laughed a bunched. It will seriously be a night I won't forget any time soon and I'm glad I had fun even though I was running on only about 3 hours of sleep. Thankfully, though, I got home, passed out around midnight, and slept like a champ. I didn't take any pictures other than this one that I took for my sister to look at my make up:

"Oh, Wanda! You sure is pretty in them
tight clothes, all painted up like trash!

OCT 31: I spent most of the day sleeping, not because I was exhausted, but because I had many plans that were going to go into the wee hours of the morning. I had already participated in a Samhain ritual on Sunday, so I did nothing, spiritually speaking, this day. When I went to J's, the kids had Sonic for dinner and then we headed over to his mom's house where Joe and Lauren are house-sitting while Deb and Steve are away visiting Steve's family, did some face-painting, played video games, and handed out candy. Iris was giving out free hugs to random children as well. We stayed there for about an hour or two and then headed back to J's and put the kids to bed. They had fun. :) Pictures below:

Lily arranged her own black cat costume.
She had socks on her hands as paws at one point

Iris as Hello Kitty

She kept looking above my head for some reason.
There was nothing there.

Rose was a grape, hence the leaves on her face.
She was dressed in purple from head to toe.

Dorian: Toddler Wolf

"This is my costume.
I'm a homicidal maniac -
they look just like everyone else."

Lauren looking for pans; cooking

Joey the hot dog,
though he would confuse kids and say he was:
a taco, lasagna, a hamburger

Iris took this picture.
I was a witch.

mah socks and sexay shoes

Playing Lego Marvel

Joey as Capt. America

Lily as...catdog?
Afterward I headed over to Dragon's Lair for the NaNoWriMo kick-off party. I was much later than I expected, mostly because I passed the damn place three times before finally figuring out where the shit it was. I missed the guest speaker, but I did get free stickers, free food, and made new friends. :) Not to mention I got two hours of typing in as soon as midnight hit. Plus, the bag of apples I had brought were gone...so yay! Also, thank you to the people who brought soup and veggies to this shindig. The not-sugar was highly appreciated. More pitchars!:
Getting ready to type

so many WriMos...
we had originally all been squished in a tiny room

One of two "buffet" tables


Discussing plot lines

My work station
My table of peers.
I can't remember any of their real names.

This is Jason.
He's my new buddy. :)

NOV 1: I'm now home, it's 4 in the morning, and I'm hyped up on sugar and caffeine. I have my knitting group at 1030am, that I am considering bailing on. Though I also considered showing up, taking a nap on the couch, and just covering myself with yarn and pretending I'm my knitting project. I have the kids tonight for the weekend, so I know I will nap eventually or driving is going to suck.

Here's to my busy November. I hope I don't contract the plague.