Sunday, March 19, 2006

Life can seriously change you, especially the moment you become a parent.


I recently went to Staples to buy the divorce kit. (Yes, they have divorce kits [and many other kits] at major office supplies stores) J and I had discussed a couple of things, but I know many more things need to be covered. I'm still trying to sort through all the papers I have to fill out and file. The faster I can do this (and hopefully without messing it up), the faster I no longer will have to keep doubting my desicions.

Many people have actually told me that I should give the marriage a second chance. But I'm still hurting. A lot. And the fact that I'm stubborn as a mule doesn't help, either. And even if I did, it wouldn't be a fair chance. Knowing my nature, I'd sit and wait for him just to mess up again. Any little excuse would do. I just don't have the patience for it. I don't think I ever did. I tried to; I wouldn't have lasted as long if I hadn't. I'm the girl who gives up on the first sign of trouble. I had to be three-and-a-half months pregnant, bruised, and severely scared to finally say "I've had enough."

I look at Lily every morning and night when she's asleep and I thank the Gods she's here with me. I could have miscarried. Someone didn't think he was harming the baby. Someone even threatened to take the baby away from me. Someone needed a reality check, and as mean as it sounds to some, I'm glad he got it.

I am so angry, and so hurt. When I first asked for the divorce he had kept saying about keeping our vows. Fuck vows. We were ruined before we were even married. I should have listened to my head. I knew it was just going to get worse. He first hit me in December. We were married a little over a month later in January. I let it go because he apologized. Funny thing was, he got pissed at me during an arguement becuase I was scared of him and would back up. Gee, I wonder why.

I guess at this point I should mention that I'm only 5-foot, 3/4 of an inch tall, and my husband, who was in the military at the time, was 30-40 pounds heavier and towers over me at 6'2".

There are times when I blame myself for this mess. Maybe if I hadn't done that, maybe if I had done more of this, maybe if I...but I didn't get him drunk, and I didn't place his hand around my neck.

He kept mentioning Matt. Matt. Matt. Matt. Fuck Matt. Matt's about as important as Wite-Out to a computer monitor. But no, Matt couldn't go. So every time he mentioned Matt, I kept my mouth shut about Tara. Yes, Tara. I never forgot about Tara. But it took him two years to mention Tara. Hell, he didn't even mention the Tara incident until after I talked about the Matt incident, which I didn't even have to tell him because he and I weren't even dating at the time it happened. We were dating during the Tara, though.

I was also "scolded" for keeping secrets, or for telling lies to keep those secrets. And yet I said nothing when he did. "Wait, what about cocaine? You told me you were having nosebleeds for some unknown reason. And what? You did what to get the cocaine? You gotta be kidding me" But did I say any of this? No. Why? 1. Because I'm stupid, apparently, and 2. I said to myself, "Let it go, Vonnie. It's in the past; he's entitled to a fresh start."

I was really trying to be a better person. I kept my mouth shut as much as I could but someone had been picking on me since I had moved to Omaha. Someone thought it'd be better to beat the niceness out of me. He also thought that reading my e-mails, without my permission, was appropriate. Oh, and I also was having fun. When in reality, I was complaining, I was miserable, and I was dying inside.

It is one of the worst feelings when you are scared of your own spouse. It's an even more worse feeling when that said spouse is on the verge of killing you and your unborn child. It is a horrible, horrible feeling that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

If it wasn't for my daughter being such a goofy baby, if it wasn't for her smiles, and giggles, her sighs, and snores, I know I would not be here today. I never said anything, but it took every ounce of energy I had to not be the stupid coward. I had the means to commit suicide, but I wanted my daughter to have the chance to live life. And still today, it takes all I have just to get out of bed or even to force myself to sleep. If I didn't love my daughter as much as I do, I don't know where I'd be right now.

I'm so glad I have Lily. I'll tell her the whole story, but obviously when she's older.