And these photos go directly upstairs:

And downward to the basement! :

Anyway, my husband and I bought a new house just yesterday signing the contract. *does a little dance* I took tons of pictures, and I must admit, I'm a very tiny person with a digital camera. I tried to get the size of the rooms (as this house is huge!) but I'm not very good with photography. I guess I should just stick to playing with my kid, huh? Anyway, here's the pictures of the first floor:

So the last house that I posted is in a pretty bad neighborhood. We decided not to buy it. Instead we're buying this really cute house. We went in and saw it. It's absolutely gorgeous and I already felt at home when I went in. The neighbourhood reminds me of my mom's and the lower level reminds me of my grandmother's old house. It's roomy, has a laundry room in the basement, the garage is attached, and the basement is huge. It even has an attic. I absolutely love it. We were approved for the home loan, so it's only a matter of time... It's in Missouri Valley, IA, and that's only about an hour away from Omaha, tops. It's out there close to the boonies, but I think it's worth it.

• My quiz grades have been A's in class. I don't know what my assn grades are, as they haven't been graded yet.
• Morning sickness has kicked in and it's no fun.
• Lily is in her big girl bed...she's growing up to fast. :(
• I haven't had a restful night's sleep in a while.

3 bedroom, 2-story brick house

J may buy this house. Depends on whether or not he gets a home loan. It's literally a block from campus so we could walk to school. We look inside this afternoon. We drove by it yesterday to look at it from the outside, it looks nice. I like it. I'm really hoping it works out. With our growing family, a house is a good investment. Also, the cost of living pretty much anywhere else that we want to live in is too high. J's grandmother even pointed out that we can take our time getting our degrees, work on a BA instead of an AS. *fingers crossed* I really hope it works out. That's a sweet fucking deal.

I've been nauseous, and very tired lately, but that;s something you just have to deal with during a pregnancy. I feel that this one is another girl, the same feeling I had with Lily. The pregnancy is different, yes, but the feeling is the same.

J, the baby and I went to WalMart yesterday and he bought me a new wardrobe. Since I gained weight after having Lily, I couldn't fit in any of the new clothes I had bought after the first pregnancy. Since I'll be gaining a lot more with Iris, I just needed a lot of larger clothes. Some need a few alterations on the straps, but that's simple sewing that I can do and fix myself. They are nice. J knows how to dress up his girls. ;)

Other than the normal irritating ailments that come with being pregnant things have been well, in my opinion. My husband is awesome, and my child, though a little monster sometimes, is a good girl for the most part.

So for those who don't already know...
I'm pregnant. :D

I've been waking up at the ass crack of dawn for some reason. I've been up at 5 everyday since Sunday without any real reason to be. And then I'm mad tired by the time nap time comes. I like nap time, yes, but lately I've wanted to clean our bathroom, which I can't do in the morning because Lily is sound sensitive at that point and will wake up. I can't do it when she's awake because if I leave that child unattended for too long she's bound to break something.

I'm irritable and I'm crabby and I need to finish one of my finals and my period is late. Noticeably late. I checked my calendar just to make sure and I've had been menstruating between 34 and 38 days. It's day 40 and nothing. Some small cramps here and there, but nothing, not even spotting. It makes me nervous; I'm not worried or anything.

Yesterday J and I spent the day running around. I needed to get the facial boxes I had made for my Mary Kay business out. I had put it off for a week. That took up most of the time, just driving around, and the last place we stopped was at a comic shop that J wanted to go to.

I've been trying to stay in a good mood, but I always end up snapping at J if he's awake. It doesn't help that he keeps saying I'm retarded after everything I say. Yes, it really makes someone's day when your spouse calls you retarded every five minutes because you either made a stupid comment, got tongue-tied, were trying to say something and got your words twisted around, or just didn't understand something. Sorry that my brain doesn't function like yours but I'm not retarded and it really brings my self-esteem pretty low when I keep getting made fun of. *head-desk*

I woke up at 5 today but was able to get back to sleep after I stuffed my face with PopTarts, milk and juice. I've been up for an hour now and it was nice to "sleep in" today. Even Lily slept longer since I wasn't up making noise.

I'm so crabby....

So at 5 o'clock this morning Lily wakes up for no apparent reason. I fed her, cuddled, rocked her, everything. I was up until some time after 7 when she finally fell back to sleep. I had maybe 5 hours of sleep. I really don't know how the hell my husband slept through all of it. At around 10, when I'm finally snoozing, J comes in to let me know that he made an appointment with our realtor to have a walk through at 11. I was crabby and cranky, and downright irritable, but I wanted to see what they had. So I decided to go. However, I didn't actually wake up and get out of bed until some time after 10:30, and I was running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to look decent. So at about 10 minutes 'til, I'm going out with Lily, putting her in the car seat, when I notice the back seat is down. (It can be pulled down to open the trunk.)

me: "Why is the back seat down?"
J: "Because we just got robbed."
me: "Are you fucking kidding me?"

And sure enough, as I'm shutting the back door and getting into the passenger side, there's all our shit sprawled on the passenger seat and a large gaping hole where my stereo was. I know I locked the doors last night when we came home from grocery shopping. And either way, we have power locks and only the driver door was open. Some bastard fuck picked our lock and took my goddamn stereo. Luckily that was the only thing of value in the whole thing. You'd think the bastard would have some compassion considering this is a family car. There's a big fucking car seat in the back, and a fucking stroller in the trunk. I hope their ass gets frostbite or shot. Our brand new NOW 23 CD was in there, but that doesn't bother me. They tried to get the speakers, too, but apparently they were in a hurry. The didn't even touch the glove compartment.

Somewhere after eleven, we look at some apartments nearby. They are nice and have a lot more space than here. J and I already turned in our applications and he already made the deposit. We move in the 26th. It's getting a complete face lift, so we're going to be having brand new everything in there. Yay. :)

After that we had to renew the registration on my car. We drive to every possible DMV before J decides to just drop us off at home. As I'm opening the door, the whole entire panel decides to detach itself from the door and now I can't open the bastard. I was able to shake it loose when we were headed home, but when I was trying to get out, I had to go through the driver's side as the bastard fell apart all together. So now I have one fucked up door and a gaping hole in my POS car. Somewhere in between all of this my husband and I kept pissing each other off. I've had little sleep and I'm grumpy as hell. Lily, at least, has been well behaved today.

Justin was able to pay off my debt, which I'm grateful for. But he's been a cranky ass today, too. I'm blaming the bastard fuck who stole my goddamn radio.

Take this opportunity to ask questions about who I am, what I am, what I will be. I'll will most definitely answer.

• My name is Yvonne
• Almost everyone calls me Vonnie
• I am 20 years old; 21 on June 2
• I was born to Puerto Rican parents in Caguas, PR
• I moved to the states when I was 3 and sound like an ever-day American
• If it wasn't for my last name, no one would know I was Hispanic
• I have serious mental issues
• I was a victim of child abuse and sometimes relapse
• I am currently a college student majoring in Information Technology - Web Development after dropping out of college in 2004
• I enjoy reading; sometimes too much
• I write short stories and am working on my second novel
• I am a musician and thespian at heart but enjoy it more as a hobby than a career
• I married my high-school sweetheart when I was 18
• We've been married for 2 years, together for 5 in May.
• My daughter was born the day after Christmas, 11 months and 1 day after I married.
• I was a victim of domestic violence and lived with my mom from the time I was 4 months pregnant until my daughter was 8 months old.
• I am very proud of my husband
• I am a very nice person and easily entertainable
• You hurt me or my daughter, pray to whatever God you believe in that I don't know where you live and that I can't reach you
• I am a happily devout Pagan and will never convert
• I am the daughter of an ordained Christian Pastor
• I am a stay-at-home mom and a Mary Kay consultant; I suck at the latter
• you can find me at four other LJs--hermi_jane for my Harry Potter role-play character, Hermione, cyndi_lauper my original journal that I started in 2001, which is now used for quotes, info, and stories, yortiz_maryk which was created to post information about my Mary Kay business, and lastly, but surely not least, ames_baby the story of my growing daughter, Lily.

I stole this idea from a friend. Some of you already know all this, some do not. Any other curious questions you may have I'll answer. I'm very open about my life (and far too trusting) but I don't really care. :)

This is how I feel today: aseguyrfgbhdbvfsdjbvfaljhl

I quite smoking about a week ago. It hasn't been hard or anything, just...odd. It's not like almost two years ago when I quit the first time. Then I had to because I was pregnant and I didn't want to hurt the baby; this was more of a whim. I'm usually a chain-smoker by habit, but as it started get butt-fucking cold outside I smoked less and less. (And I'd get sick more frequently due to standing out in the cold--genius.) So I just said fuck it, I'll quit. So far so good, I guess. When I was pregnant the smell of cigarette would give me cravings, now it just makes me queasy.

DISCLAIMER: T.M.I. WARNING: Skip the following paragraph if you don't want to know about my girl parts. If you really don't care, then drive through.

I've been very crabby lately. Highly irritated by the smallest things. I'm so cranky. I thought that maybe a good long nap would help, but no. I've just felt like being a mean ass. And me bleeding and cramping probably has something to do with it. Now you're probably thinking, "Oh, OK, it's just PMS." No, it's not. I finished my period days ago. My theory is that I just hurt myself or something during sex. It wouldn't be the first time. It's still a pain in my ass.



I'm getting sick again. My allergies are kicking my ass. I'm nauseated. On a good front, I've lost my appetite, which means I'm not over eating. We have no junk food in this house, we're very healthy eaters, so I don't have a junk food problem (unless you count peanut butter and jelly sandwiches being shared with my kid junk) I have an over-eating problem. No fun. No bueno. My stomach hurts. And I feel very hot.

I checked out a handful of books from the library yesterday. At least I'm keeping occupied. I like to read. :) Tomorrow is my two-year wedding anniversary. Since J has to work tonight and will be asleep tomorrow we exchanged gifts today I didn't get J anything as I don't have the money, so I made him a card out of construction paper and notecards. He bought me a fun little drawing tablet for the computer for my design stuff. :) Yay. I know you're jealous. ;)

Ugh. I think I should just go back to bed.

This is just me complaining. Ignore and drive through.

I'm a fat lazy cow. All the weight that I lost before the holidays I gained back sometime in the last two months. I'm back up to 130 and noticebly so. At this point I will never reach my goal weight. True some people say, oh 130 isn't all that bad, but when you're only about 5 feet tall and have a very petite frame, it's a lot like taking Paris Hilton and adding 30 lbs. You'd notice.

I am more than likely flunking out of one or more (if not all) of my classes. I should be more concerned about this, but for some reason I'm not.

I feel like I've hit a slump. I'm depressed, but I try not show it or say anything. I was able to get some business done last night, so that was nice, but I still need to sell 300$ this week if I want to make ANY profit because of my status. I haven't been to church in while since I just haven't felt up to it and I'm just slacking in life.

EDIT: I double-checked to see if I was passing my courses...I only have three. I'm passing all of them, but I have a very low D in one of them.

I feel as if my brain is about to implode. If I think and stress out anymore, it may just happen.

J and I are hoping to move at the end of next month when the lease is up. He's been having a hard time finding a place that's affordable enough but has enough space. He pays a little over 450$ a month for this one bedroom; it's just not enough for the three of us. He's found a few places and tomorrow, before my business meeting, we have an appointment with the real estate agent to see what nice places we can afford to rent. He gave her a good price range and is willing to help. He found a decent 2-bedroom duplex that's only 420$, so here's hoping...

Finances have been pretty hectic lately. I have a 230$ medical bill that needs clearing, I have about 200$ worth in interest of money I loaned from VA when I was going to college in 2004, I need to pay 30$ to renew my Mary Kay website, and need a 400$ MK order by the end of this month to keep my consultant status active. To top it off I canceled Lily's Scholastic Baby Book Club because I couldn't keep up with the payments (Jeff/Geoff from Scholastic was kind enough to only have me pay half as my required membership time [32 books] was already completed) but I still have to pay them 20$ for the last set of books from before I moved back here. I also owe them 2 payments for the encyclopedia set I bought. The total is 453$, but the two payments only end up at about 25/26$. Still, this is money I do not have and I feel awful about it because I racked up this debt before I returned to J. He's the one who's paying everything off.

He's canceled his violin lessons so we could have money. I canceled my book club subscriptions so we could have money. We're selling our dining table so we can have money, and he's going to be selling a few other random things so we can have money. If I had anything to sell, I would, but all I own is junk.

I've asked him if it would be okay if I went and got a job somewhere. He doesn't want me to as my lack of experience wouldn't get me a decent job, and minimum wage wouldn't even begin to pay off my bills, especially if I had to put Lily in day care. That's why I had hoped that selling some Mary Kay would help out, even if just a little. Unfortunately that's damn near impossible when I can't leave the house without my child, and even if I could, I still don't have a driver's license. True, it's not impossible, but it's rather improbable at the moment. It's not like I haven't tried, either. *sigh*

I have homework due in a few hours and I have yet to start it. School has jest been... Well, it doesn't have the appeal it had before. I've been depressed and horribly nauseous most of the day. I feel like I'm falling apart at them seams but I have no thread left to fix me. I want to help out this family and keep it together financially, but I'm utterly useless. It's very disheartening.

My resolutions:
These are more like goals. Set small and steady goals throughout the year and you're a most likely to keep them. That's the one and only resolution I have for this year. Goals; I have plenty.

• lose weight and get down to the size I was before I married. I've already lost the 15 pounds gained after the pregnancy, now I just need to lose the other fifteen or so pounds I gained when I started dating my husband. He knows that he is blamed for the excess rolls.
• get good grades. I started classes last month and I intend to finish my AS in two years or less if at all possible. I can't do that if I'm slacking off. Must.Stay.Focused.
• write religiously in my paper journal. I know I won't have time to post here in this online journal as, well, most of the time, it's too time consuming and I'm on the computer doing homework anyway. This will give my computer a break and will get me back in touch with my lonely diary.
• write religiously in my Book of Shadows and other corresponding journals. I want to really focus in my path. I want to get back into my religious study and practice what I believe in. I've done well so far but after my dinky attempt of a ritual this past Yule (and I mean a candle, a tray, and a sheet of notebook paper with something scribbled on it last minute) I really need to work on that. I used to be very dedicated. I need to be very dedicated.
• be a little less chaotic. This will take work, but you never know.
• work harder on my Mary Kay business. Just because bastard people have no respect or decency for someone's hard work and dedication to create and put up fliers and feel the need to tear them apart or crumple them and leave them on the floor for everyone to see, doesn't mean I should back down. Shoulders back, head high, move on. Must.Stay. Focused.
• take better care of self. This means cutting back on bad habits, like smoking. As much as I don't want to quit, I know I should. I need to eat right and sleep well. So far, I suck at both. Needs much improvement.
• love self. Just because I'm uber busy with school, husband, and child, doesn't mean I should forget about myself. I need to remember that I need love, pampering, and attention just as much as everyone and everything else does.

Hope everyone has a memorable and remarkable 2007.

Now that the year is coming to a close, I have sat and pondered on this past year and all of my ups and downs.

At this time, one year ago, I was in the hospital, in labor, giving birth to my gorgeous little girl. She's so big now and such a spoiled brat. I just about cried this morning when I sang to her "Happy Birthday" while I was getting her out of her crib. I keep telling her to slow down, but I know that this just means more memories for me to keep and share with her.

I'm content with life. Not too long ago it felt as if my world had fallen apart and I was slowly picking up the peices and pasting them together. I had to work, take care of my kid, and try and figure out what to do with my life by myself. Now, I stay home, still take care of my kid, but I've returned to school and I have my old husband back.

I've become closer to my husband, and I've tried to better myself so as to better communicate with him. Yes, we still argue, and we still drive each other nuts, but it's different. Life's different. I still love him and he still loves me. We can talk things through and we know how to compromise. The stress we have is trying to provide for Lily, not trying to please each other on a regular basis. Yes, we need to make each other happy, but we also need to not bug the hell out of each other.

I've found that I'm a more reserved and spiritual person. I've been attending church every Sunday (Unitarian) and I've been attending Pagan gatherings with my community. I've begun writing again, and keeping track of my paper journal, writing about my religious views and practices as well as my problems or stresses and worries. I've also learned to just keep my big mouth shut as the whole world doesn't need to know my business.

All in all, I'm happy. I'm happier than I've ever been in a long time, and this new year is something I'm looking forward to. I am looking forward to the return of the Sun and to the return of happiness. I understand that things have a way of fixing themselves and I'm glad that things have turned out the way they have.

I hope that everyone has had wonderful holidays, whether it be Hannukah, Yule, Christmas or Kwanzaa. May many blessings reach you.

I am overly stressed out.

Lily has been a handful all day, screaming about the littlest of things. The word no is like a stab in the thigh for her and she throws herself onto the floor and throws a very loud tantrum. Her ear-piercing complaints have left me with a throbbing headache that won't dissipate. I've been working on my schoolwork on and off throughout the week and I'm still behind. I have several assignments and a quiz due tomorrow and I doubt they will be entered in time. I was able to catch up in my programming class, but I still have other assignments that need turn in.

I am so exhausted. I passed out last night at around 7pm. I have been spacing out my assignments bit by bit so I won't become too whelmed, but I still end up being so. My church is sponsoring a "Parent's Night Out" by letting you drop of the children at the common room and nursery and leave them in their care for three hours. I asked J if he was up for it and in less than a second a simple response of "Hell yes" echoed in the kitchen. Tomorrow from 5 to 8, we will be baby free and can go out to the movies for a change. It's been a while.

Sunday evening my local CUUPS is holding a Yule ritual. I am contemplating on whether I should attend. I'm thinking against it and just doing a small (very small, as in minute) celebration of my own. Next Thursday I can always make it up as it will be the actual solstice and I will have all of my materials (finally!) in my possession.

We leave Monday morning for Texas. I'm going to be so glad to be taking a break. A bit apprehensive as this is the time of year where my family tends to argue the most, but still welcoming the much needed rest. My family is going through some rough times, but I'm hoping they won't drag me down. With my sister's impending divorce, and my brother's depression over his recent split from his long-term boyfriend, and my mother's financial troubles, I'm the only one who is happy in life. True, a bit on the "I'm ready to implode" part, but still quite content with what I have and what I'm doing.

I am looking forward to 9pm, when J gets back from his English class and Lily and I can go to sleep.

Today is J's golden birthday (23 years on the 23rd of the month) and because I am sick in more ways than I had intended to be, everything that I had planned for this day has had to be discarded. So instead, I will take this time to express of what I am thankful for...

I am thankful for family. Even though my mother and siblings can drive me mad and they irratate me quite frequently, I love them. They gave me a place to stay and offered help, though at price sometimes, they were still there when I needed them. Some of my friends I consider family. Those are the friends who gave me a couch/futon/bed to crash on when I was too exhausted to move any further or a babysitter when I needed to go somewhere and couldn't take the baby along. I'm thankful for all my friends old and new.

J-- though he has done some very stupid things in the past I can only put them behind me and move on. He has grown up so much and I am thankful and grateful of this change. Watching him with our daughter and looking into his face when he's with her shows me just how much he loves her and how much he loves "his girls". Things may be the same in some aspects, but they are still different on the ones that mean the most. I will always love him and I am glad that I gave it another chance. Not many people change from what he used to be. He went and proved to the world that he is a better person than most.

Draco-- I've known him for a couple (2) of years now and there are times that I feel we are one in the same. With the same exact issues, it's sometimes hard to tell the difference. :) I am so happy he has found happiness in Perseus and vice versa. Coming to the states was the best thing he could have ever done. He was a great friend when I was going through my tough times. I hope he knows that I will always be there for him.

Jaz and Cindy-- these two are some crazy bitches. :) LOL. But I adore them immensely. Without their support I don't know if I ever would have truly seen a light at the end of the tunnel. True the situation wasnt the best, but it was a nice relief knowing that I wasn't alone, that people understood, and that I would always have someone I could turn to. They both helped me through a lot. Even though we've never met, Jaz has watched me grow up via LJ. She's been there the entire 5 or 6 years since. And Cindy, I'm glad Jaz "introduced" us. They are both awesome and that's all I can really say.

Di-- Happyland Comix will never be the same without her. My "other half" so to speak. I thankful that we became so close in such a small amount of time. I think of her often, as creepy as that sounds, and Buddha smiles down on her.

Carol-- I only met less than a month ago in an LJ community. I'm so happy I did, too. I hope that I can help her in her spiritual journey but she has been such a great help to me in my Mary Kay business. She, too, is awesome.

I am thankful for all of the friendships that I have acquired throughout my lifetime; new or old, past and present.

I am happy, grateful, thankful for my faith. It has helped me overcome many of my obstacles. I may not be the Christian my mother wanted me to be, the Catholic my other family members are, are anything remotely in the vicinity of Allah, Yaweh, or Jesus, but I do have a faith. I do have a God(des) and I do have my ethic and morals that have help me be strong and make the right decisions in life.

Last, but surely not least, I am thankful for Lily. She was my bright northern star in the sky. She is my reason for waking up each morning and for living each day. Without her I would not be who I am and the thought that I could have lost her (twice!!) still frightens me. She is the only reason why I am still standing. She's my little faery princess, my ray of sunshine, the large pain in my ass, and the love of my life.

I can honestly say that I am content in the path I have chosen in life right now. I am a blessed little heathen. I have a loving husband who cooks and does laundry and takes care of me the way a husband should. I have a beautiful daughter, that though sometimes I just want to grab her and stick her in the trash can for being a brat, I love her with all my being. I have a roof over my head. Though this is a small place and we're all placed in one room, we are still warm during the cold nights and cool during the hot days. We are still dry from the rain and snow. There is food in my stomach, and nice furniture in our apartment. There are clothes in our closets as well as musical instruments and other things we can entertain ourselves with. There are no debts, and there are privileges that we have that most do not.

I am thankful for life and what I have been blessed with.

Woke up this morning with a yeast infection and a displaced hip.
Fucking great.
Today was not my day.

May it be a blessed day.

For those who have children and are trick-or-treating, may they be safe.

This picture is not finished and it pisses me off. I got suggestions from several people (thanks, by the way) but couldn't find anything that suited my uber-picky needs. Le sigh. Oh, well, this is what you get.

Happy Halloween and Merry Samhain

I went to church last week and enjoyed it very much. I was a bit apprehensive at first. I had decided to let Lily stay in the nursery and spent the entire service paranoid that my daughter's stranger anxiety was going to cause a stir downstairs. It never did. When I went to the nursery to pick her up she was running people over in a walker and having a good time. I follow my daughter when it comes to feelings. This was definitely a good sign. Afterward, we had coffee and I was able to meet with M, the head coordinator of OCUUPS, and some other members of the church. I enjoyed being there. I felt welcomed and intend on going there regularly. I would be there today, but I have been stricken with a massive allergy attack and half of my face has been affected.

I feel different somehow. I know I haven't changed recently. However, things still feel different. I like to think that maybe resetting my goals and holding on to my faith is what is helping me. I was "in the broom closet", as they say, for a long time. Now that I am openly Pagan, not only to my peers but my family as well, I feel as if there is nothing to hide; a weight has been lifted. I do not feel constricted or sophicated. I am not hiding. Most of my insecurities have gone in oblivion. I may not have changed in the physical, or even with random things such as what I do in routine every day, but spiritually there is a siginificant alteration in the way that I am viewing life and accepting my battles as well as my blessings. I guess the feeling had to come sooner or later. There are several times in ones life that one must beseech oneself to reorganize ones goals and outlook in life. I'm bettering myself, and my family of sorts, and that is all that matters at this point.

Maybe these are just the ramblings of a tired girl. No matter how hard I try I still find difficulty in sleeping soundly at night.

I sent in my financial application for school. If I get a response soon, I'll be starting next quarter in December. I've decided to get my degree in Information technology (same as J's). His is Database/Web Programming while mine is Web Development. I hope I'll be able to focus and not botch it like last time.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth. Umberto Eco


I have found a church in town that the website deemed interesting. I was able to call and request some sort of transport to and from the building. A woman called today and we made plans to meet at 1030 Sunday morning to head to service. It's a Unitarian church about a half hours time from home. There is a large Pagan community attending and I was invited to partake in a few of their gatherings. Friday 13 October I will meet with them at the Village Inn if things go according to plan. I'm hoping to join the Samhain ritual on the 29.

I've applied to go back to school. J and I will both have the Pell Grant and will be alternating days for classes. I'm not quite sure what to major in right now. I want to do something that will help me in the workplace but won't make me miserable doing it. I was thinking something along the lines of digital imaging or the like, early childhood education, or commercial photography. Classes start in December.

I'm thinking, with going back to school, that I should restart my role-play journal hermi_jane. I haven't written anything in a while. A very long while. I most enjoyed playing someone else other than myself.

Things are a bit hectic. Money is tight and Lil is wreaking havoc to a point where I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I don't sleep well; I've stopped taking naps due to my restlessness. J is stressed as well. He's been grinding his teeth in his sleep and his blood pressure has been high. Today we spent the day outdoors and in the local malls. It was nice to spend family time outside of the apartment. We bought some books to entertain us. One book each.

On a lighter note, I've at least lost ten lbs since I arrived here. My smoking has gotten worse, but it's the only thing that will help me not binge on food.

I'm hoping to get hired somewhere. I've place applications in fast food restaurants nearby, but to no avail. I'm tired and broke and my Mary Kay isn't going as planned. I had put up yortiz_maryk in hopes that it would help, but alas, it hasn't. Maybe some day soon. It doesn't help that I can't find a babysitter, either.

I have a $500 court fine to pay, due to me being stupid this summer, and I have no way of paying it.

...

Karma's kicking my ass.

Autumnal Equinox

Brightest Blessings!

Everything is as good as it should be. Things are going well. My daughter has me running around this entire apartment chasing after her making sure that she does not wreak too much havoc upon the furniture or appliances. I miss home a tad bit, but that is as expected.

...

I miss the ballet. I remember being a very young girl watching The Nutcracker for the first time. It was being performed at a theatre somewhere in Seattle. I had to be around six years old but I enjoyed every moment of it. I enjoyed going to the theatre and watching a performance. I even tried ballet. I was about as graceful as a cow so my pursuit to be part of a ballet company was stopped short. I stuck with my singing. It was the only thing I excelled at. I do remember a few ballet positions and such, which surprises me; it's been over a decade.

I hope I will be able to find a community theatre here where I could express my creative talent. I miss high school and I regret dropping out of university. I truly miss sewing costumes, working on make-up, sound, building and painting sets, as well as acting onstage. I remember the joy I had when my last year of high school we performed Handel's Messiah in it's entirety with the San Antonio Symphony Orchestra. I miss the stage.

...

I need something to do. I need human interaction. I don't mind spending the time with my daughter, I just need adult conversation before I go mad. I know it won't happen, not again, not this time, but having some time away from this apartment even for an hour would suffice.

We arrived in Nebraska Tuesday evening just in time to make it to J's violin lesson. The trip wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. We were on the road for six hours on Monday and stopped at a hotel for the night somewhere in Oklahoma. Lily was hating her carseat by the middle of the trip. She was so happy to be able to crawl around on a floor.

We're living a little tight now, but it's worht it. We all sleep in one room, but we at least have enough space for most of our things. I barely took anything with me, mostly the baby's things, but we're hoping to go back to Texas for the holidays.

We've settled in quite nicely this week and a half. There has been a lot of communication, and I'm actually happy. I've accepted the fact that J won't always be around to help because he works the graveyard shift and needs his rest. He's also going back to school and needs to go to class. I've accepted that I will have to be a housewife for now because that's the card I've been dealt. We're communicating and that's what matters to me. He helps me out a lot and I try to not be such a menace. He at least understands now just how much energy is needed to take care of Lily.

All in all, life has been better. I'm not stressed out, with the exception of chasing after Lily who is sticking everything in her mouth that she can possibly find. Things are working out and looking up.

After much thought and discussion, the baby and I will be moving back in with J on the 29. The visit late last month had gone rather well and the both of us were able to discuss a few points. He has changed so much and grown up in a lot of ways. His mother sees it, my mother, my sister, and myself. I'm proud of him. I hope he knows that.

I will be going back to school next month working on an associate degree in business management. I have to start from scratch due to the fact that I withdrew from my previous university before I had taken my finals for that semester. Regardless, both he and I will be going to school on alternate days so that at least one parent is home with the baby.

Life has been a bit stressful. I had to go to the emergency room late June because the day I had started my menstrual cycle, I was bleeding a sanitary napkin an hour. It's unnerving when you hemmorage that much. The service was unsatisfactory, but, being as I was uninsured at the time, I have a $2,000 debt to the ER, as well as $100 for the doctor who didn't even perform the pelvic exam that I needed.

I've been visiting my therapist again. Due to my symptoms of depression, paranoia, and anxiety, she referred me to a psychiatrist for treatment. I will be back on medication, but apparently, I need to be. I seem to function better with it. Also, my joint pain has increased and I've been going to the doctor regularly. At first he thought I may have Lyme Disease, but the second run in the lab stated negative. I have no disease, no arthritis, nor an infection. He will call me later in the week to refer me to a rheumatologist. I may be twenty, but my body feels and sounds like that of a 60 year old. I've tried to stay active, but the pain is sometimes inbearable. With all these medical visits...I take so many pills now...

There are a lot of things in my head that have nothing to do with reality. I'm not happy with myself, but I'm working on it.

These are the last three in the series of four. My element faeries that still need a LOT of work. I'm such a dork. I really need spare time nowadays, though...

So the plan for the apartment didn't work out as well as I wanted it to. *sigh* Some other day, some other time. I have plans to move out regardless even if it means moving in with friends. I can't stay at my mother's house any longer. I will drive myself insane. I did get the car, though. I need to take my road test some time this weekend or next week to get my liscense. I need work on my parallel parking.

Things have been hectic in their own sense. I am utterly broke. I needed to buy several things that Lily and I needed, and I went negative. The bank was nice enough to give me a courtesy waiver on the overdraft fee. One time deal. And diapers were needed.

Lily and I are going to visit her father in a few days. We'll be there for a week. I'm excited and a bit apprehensive. Truthfully, I have so many mixed emotions, but we'll see how things go. Some people change, some people don't...I leave the 10th.

I'm thinking of saving up money and going on a true vacation. Just grabbing my kid and leaving somewhere that I've never been for a week. I was thinking Boston, or NYC or even Hartford to go see the Wadsworth Atheneum. I've wanted to go there for a while, but money is a factor. For car rental, a cheap hotel (as in 65$ a night), then airfare and food for my monkey and me...Over 1000$ that I don't have. If I had friends in high places, or even those places it wouldn't cost me an arm, leg and kidney. Some day, maybe.

Keep positive. This too shall pass

This is a quote from one of my favourite books by one of my favourite authors. Witch Baby by Francesca Lia Block. I recommend the book (and the Weetzie Bat series it's in) and all the other books by FLB if you're stuck in a fairytale timewarp.

Out of boredom, I took my Mary Kay catalogue and went to town with it. (I sell Mary Kay cosmetics...)

I love making collages. I don't quite know why, but I do. There was no real thought process behind this one. I tend to just tear my magazines apart and then glue them on sheets of paper. Bad habit, really...

I was over at a friend's house playing a lovely round of D&D when I began doodling on the character information sheet. I liked it so much a redid it in this fashion. It soon became the first of 4 in my "element faery" series. :P It's not finished, like everything else I do.

My neighbor in the dorms (when I was going to school in 04) was taking a nap while I was sitting in her computer chair and talking with her roommate. Another failed attempt at drawing people. You must love the eye mask.

This is just a blog to post all my sketches. I'm not really any kind of artist except a bored one. I don't consider myself an artist, just an arts-and-crafts kind of girl. I seem to always manage to end up with glue, paint, and scraps of coloured paper on myself. I've even glued my clothes together. This is just something fun for me to do...

I turn 20 today. Nothing special...just a happy birthday to me.

So I made a very rough sketch budget last night with what I spend monthly and what I recieve monthly as well as putting money away for savings. After much thought, I'm going to get an apartment next month.


The room is very spacious, they cover hot and cold water, and the bills I'll have are cable, phone, and electricity. After making out my budget, I'll be cutting it pretty close, but it's very do-able. A friend of mine is selling her car for 1500$, which I saved up and already have, plus some, so I just have to add gas and insurance to the list, and it's still good.

My birthday present to myself will be the car and apartment. I love my mother and all, but I can't stand her. I need to get out of this house before I implode. It's too stressful here and she nags more than I do. I'm trying to tough it out, but I won't last for very long.

I feel good about this. I talk with the apartment manager tomorrow.

Life can seriously change you, especially the moment you become a parent.

..........

I recently went to Staples to buy the divorce kit. (Yes, they have divorce kits [and many other kits] at major office supplies stores) J and I had discussed a couple of things, but I know many more things need to be covered. I'm still trying to sort through all the papers I have to fill out and file. The faster I can do this (and hopefully without messing it up), the faster I no longer will have to keep doubting my desicions.

Many people have actually told me that I should give the marriage a second chance. But I'm still hurting. A lot. And the fact that I'm stubborn as a mule doesn't help, either. And even if I did, it wouldn't be a fair chance. Knowing my nature, I'd sit and wait for him just to mess up again. Any little excuse would do. I just don't have the patience for it. I don't think I ever did. I tried to; I wouldn't have lasted as long if I hadn't. I'm the girl who gives up on the first sign of trouble. I had to be three-and-a-half months pregnant, bruised, and severely scared to finally say "I've had enough."

I look at Lily every morning and night when she's asleep and I thank the Gods she's here with me. I could have miscarried. Someone didn't think he was harming the baby. Someone even threatened to take the baby away from me. Someone needed a reality check, and as mean as it sounds to some, I'm glad he got it.

I am so angry, and so hurt. When I first asked for the divorce he had kept saying about keeping our vows. Fuck vows. We were ruined before we were even married. I should have listened to my head. I knew it was just going to get worse. He first hit me in December. We were married a little over a month later in January. I let it go because he apologized. Funny thing was, he got pissed at me during an arguement becuase I was scared of him and would back up. Gee, I wonder why.

I guess at this point I should mention that I'm only 5-foot, 3/4 of an inch tall, and my husband, who was in the military at the time, was 30-40 pounds heavier and towers over me at 6'2".

There are times when I blame myself for this mess. Maybe if I hadn't done that, maybe if I had done more of this, maybe if I...but I didn't get him drunk, and I didn't place his hand around my neck.

He kept mentioning Matt. Matt. Matt. Matt. Fuck Matt. Matt's about as important as Wite-Out to a computer monitor. But no, Matt couldn't go. So every time he mentioned Matt, I kept my mouth shut about Tara. Yes, Tara. I never forgot about Tara. But it took him two years to mention Tara. Hell, he didn't even mention the Tara incident until after I talked about the Matt incident, which I didn't even have to tell him because he and I weren't even dating at the time it happened. We were dating during the Tara, though.

I was also "scolded" for keeping secrets, or for telling lies to keep those secrets. And yet I said nothing when he did. "Wait, what about cocaine? You told me you were having nosebleeds for some unknown reason. And what? You did what to get the cocaine? You gotta be kidding me" But did I say any of this? No. Why? 1. Because I'm stupid, apparently, and 2. I said to myself, "Let it go, Vonnie. It's in the past; he's entitled to a fresh start."

I was really trying to be a better person. I kept my mouth shut as much as I could but someone had been picking on me since I had moved to Omaha. Someone thought it'd be better to beat the niceness out of me. He also thought that reading my e-mails, without my permission, was appropriate. Oh, and I also was having fun. When in reality, I was complaining, I was miserable, and I was dying inside.

It is one of the worst feelings when you are scared of your own spouse. It's an even more worse feeling when that said spouse is on the verge of killing you and your unborn child. It is a horrible, horrible feeling that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

If it wasn't for my daughter being such a goofy baby, if it wasn't for her smiles, and giggles, her sighs, and snores, I know I would not be here today. I never said anything, but it took every ounce of energy I had to not be the stupid coward. I had the means to commit suicide, but I wanted my daughter to have the chance to live life. And still today, it takes all I have just to get out of bed or even to force myself to sleep. If I didn't love my daughter as much as I do, I don't know where I'd be right now.

I'm so glad I have Lily. I'll tell her the whole story, but obviously when she's older.

I've been doing well these past few weeks. J is still sending money, which helps buy diapers and wipes since Lily goes through 10 diapers a day and double the amount of wipes. Motherhood has become routine and I enjoy every minute of it.

I'm working on getting a minister's liscense. I started taking a couple of courses last week and I think I'm on my way. They're not easy, obviously, but I think I could make a pretty decent nondenominational (in every sense of the word) minister. I'm also working on going back to school in September.

There truly isn't much going on right now. I sleep, eat, feed and change the baby, and once in a while I go out with a friends or two. I also spend a lot of time at Mother's church because it keeps me occupied. I want a job but my mother won't let me work because the baby's too young. I'm bored out of my mind when Lily's sleeping.

I'm very tired.

J has been sending 50 dollars a week now. I'm very thankful, grateful that he's doing so. It helps out more than he knows.

We sent each other anniversary gifts. It was nice. So at least we celebrated it in some weird sort of way. We also talk when we can. It's awkward and things still hurt, but at least we talk. I want Lily to have parents that can communicate and be friends. I don't want her to have my parents.

I started my Mary Kay business. I don't know how that's going to go as I don't know many people who use the products. They are awesome products, if you ask me, but it will still be some time to know whether or not this is for me. I have everything I need, I just need customers.

I'm going back to school come June. I'll be starting cosmetology then, and by September, I'll be taking the basic classes necessary to continue my education before enrolling into the university. I've already applied for financial aid and all things needed, so fingers crossed 'til then. I just need to do something with my life if it's going to go anywhere.

I've fallen into the mother routine rather well. I can tell when my daughter is hungry, wet, soiled, or when she wants her pacifier. She's very calm, and not very needy, which alrms me in many ways, but all in all, it's a great experience to be enduring. I love my child more than words could ever express. I tell her so everyday.

I'm actually surprised that I am not suffering from post partum depression. It makes me feel stronger just knowing that.

It was exactly two weeks until my wedding anniversary yesterday. I didn't even realise it until now.

It saddens me, really, that our marriage fell apart long before we ever reached a year. It probably wouldn't have made it this long, but I was preoccupied with more important matters, like my child.

J and I still talk. Not as frequently as we used to; I merely call him to let him know how Lily is doing and sometimes I wonder how he is so it works both ways. He never calls. I tend to believe that he has it in his mind that I am not going through with the divorce. If he is, he's highly mistaken. Getting out of the house and filing is a little more tasking than I'd like it to be, but it will get done.

I still have the occasional nightmare. Mother says that I should let it go so that I can heal. I am fully aware of that. I think she forgets that it's easier said than done; I think she forgets how hard and long it took her to heal. It'll be years before I can trust again, before I can sleep peacefully through the night.

I am somewhat financially stable now. The military is paying me a monthly compensation. It's part of some victim's programme. I'm supposed to have military benefits for another year, but the United States military, especially the Air Force base in Offutt, is run by morons, so my paperwork, which I had finished and promptly mailed, was never filed.

I haven't told J about the compensation. I have it in my head that if I do, he'll get the "bright" idea of 'well, she's financially ok, I won't need to send anything.' To play it safe, he's not going to know. I need what I have. I owe $80 to my psychologist for a session, and I'm now paying my brother $275 a month for rent. I'm not even twenty-years-old yet. This is too much stress for a teenager to handle.

This is all his fault. I am so angry at my husband.

Happy Yule
and other winter holidays

So I've come to the conclusion of getting a divorce. It just came to me. At first I thought that there was no real logic behind it, just an excuse to get out of the situation, but in all honesty, I don't want to be with J. I love him, yes. No matter what he thinks or says about me, I will always love him. But love is not enough. I don't trust him. I don't like him. I don't think I will ever forgive him for what he's done.

I have not forgiven my stepdad for sexually and physically abusing me, and he's been dead for five years. I have not forgiven my father for making me feel like I wasn't loved, even though he's aware of it and has asked for forgiveness. So what would make me forgive my husband for strangling me and jeapordising the life of my child and I? Nothing. I'd be unhappy.

So forgive me if I'm being selfish by thinking of myself, but with all these negative feelings toward a person, what is the point of staying married. I know J wanted us to try and save our marriage. But even he says that I am a bad person for one reason or another and the only reason he hasn't bailed out is because he loves me. I just don't understand the logic behind that.

Throughout this whole situation I've rarely spoken ill of him. Most people think I'm crazy for even wanting to talk to him, but I just didn't have it in my heart to make him out to be a bad person. He's just a guy who's made mistakes. But he continues to twist my words around, leaving me incapable of explaining my feelings. I'm overwhelmed as is with Lily on the way. I wasn't ready to be married. And I still am not. I'm not trying to make him the bad guy, but I'm not the bad guy either. Am I wrong for wanting to be happy even if it means leaving my husband behind? I never said he was wrong for wanting his family back. Not once did I say he was wrong for feeling the way he did, he just assumed that's what I thought.

I can't keep doing this. I don't know if it's my fault or his, but we're running around in circles and getting nowhere fast. I think this is the best thing, no matter how much it hurts.

I married a bratty idiot.

The more we argue, the more he acts like a child, and the more I get frustrated, the more I realise that he is not ready. I normally do not speak ill of him, but today, I just can't help it.

J's hearing was Friday morning, shortly before my appointment with the obstetrician, so I called to see what the sentencing was. I was unable to speak to him until after my appointment, however, as my phone seemed to be ringing continuously from several different things. One- I finally talked to the legal office on base to file my compensation under URGENT as it has taken them almost 2 months to even finish signing the papers and, according to my doctor, am due to give birth in about a week. Two- My Medicaid insurance is all kinds of messed up from something to do with my maiden/married name and they are also still showing Tricare as my primary insurance when I have not been insured by them since October. Three- the probation office called just to let me know that J's hearing was that day and that even though they did not have all the information from the judge yet, they had a rough estimate. Long story short, eighteen months probation with six months of Domestic Violence education classes along with anger management, AA, daily phone calls to check about drug tests, monthly probation check-ups, some more things, and a $300 fine.

So, after extensive thought that night, I came to the conclusion that financially and emotionally, my husband is not ready for a family. He believes that even though he's staying with two roommates in a small duplex apartment while sleeping on a couch (and having 18 months of probation), he can fit spouse and infant child in the picture because he has a decent-paying job. That has no logic behind it, and yet he doesn't seem to understand that.

When I was speaking to him last night, I asked if he could come visit sometime during January. Without thought, he said no. I understand the holidays, but why no in January? He said that having to ask permission from two entities (work and probation officer) very rarely would he get a yes from both. I am not in his situation, therefore I did not argue and left it at that. However, to my surprise, he asked why. "To see your daughter before she gets too big." He suddenly asked, "So wait, this means you don't want to be with me?" I was taken aback for a second. I hadn't really thought of it in that way, but in all honesty, it really was. So I said the truth, "at this moment in time, no." He was not the least bit happy. He asked when I was going to tell him, and I said that I had just come to this conclusion last night, and then, much to my chagrin, he hung up the phone like a bratty little child instead of discussing it further.

J doesn't get it. He just doesn't understand. And what saddens me more is the fact that I, the "childish" one, am thinking things much thoroughly than he, and handling our situations more like an adult than he has. I'm the only who is growing up, however slowly it may be, and he's still stuck in the same rut. He doesn't even realise the stupidity that comes out of his mouth or the childish nature he acts toward everything that isn't going his way.

I give up. I was hoping for that "happily-ever after," but I know I'm not going to get it. I am better off staying here with my mother, however pathetic or inadequate I feel, because it is where I am safe, cared for, and am assured that my daughter will never want or need. If my husband cannot see that, then there is no point. It will just be a waste of time and energy that I do not have. I am staying here and that's it. If he doesn't have the capacity of understanding that, then there's nothing I can do and it's his loss.

I'm done.

Had the interview this morning for state-funded health insurance. Both Lily and I are now covered and they were able to backdate it to when my original insurance had run out. Moments like this make me appreciate the government. Without it I would not have food or proper healthcare. Now all I must do is go first thing tomorrow morning to the office retrieve my new insurance card.

Physically I'm in serious pain. My hips feels as if they are trying to split my pelvis in two. My back is sore and body swollen; I've had lack of sleep from not being able to find a decent position to lay in. I'm left feeling exhausted and irratable. Emotionally I'm nervous about Thanksgiving. The concept of the holiday isn't what bothers me; my family and I have a hard time getting along during family gatherings. Holidays and get-togethers are always started and/or left with arguing. I love my family, but my mother and brother have the tendency to make things difficult. I translated my mother's Thanksgiving sermon from English to Spanish.



I miss the life I had before all of this. I miss the people, how things were and the energy. I miss it all...

So I've come to realise that I'm still mad at him.

I had an interview today with a lady from the probation office. I had to retell what happened, share my feelings and tell her what I thought would be the best punishment for J. I thought it would be okay, but I still cried. I still had to stop and regain composure, but I fell apart all over again. The minute I hung up the phone I was in the bathroom sitting on the floor with my face in my shirt getting it all soggy. I'm still not over it.

I told her that all in all J was a good person who just made a really bad mistake. That he was young and only human. I told her I believed in second chances and that he deserved one...I just told her the truth. When she asked what I thought his sentencing should be I told her that I thought he was punished enough. When everything happened he was incarcerated for a week or two and lost everything he had worked so hard for. His hearing is on 2 Decemember.

I think the thing that bothers me the most right now is that I know he's sorry and I want to forgive him, but I just can't. I keep trying and I can't. I keep trying to put it behind me so I could move on, but it's still there. And no matter how hard I try I still get nightmares and I still get scared. I want it to go away but it hasn't. And then I want to hate him, but I can't and it makes it that much harder. If I could just hate him, then this whole situation would just be easier. I want to blame him for everything, but everything is not his fault. I want peace, but I can't find it and I'm mad at him for it. I'm so mad that it just won't go away.

I'm just so tired of breaking down. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like falling apart. I just wish I could fully forgive him right now so I wouldn't have to deal with this.

After my fit in the bathroom, I sent him an email of everything in this entry. He wants to know what's going on in my head, and since I'm horrible with communicating verbally, writing it all down is the next best thing. I'm exhausted from crying so much and I haven't been feeling well to begin with. I keep waiting for something more.

Things have changed in the past few months.

I've begun teaching Sunday school at my mother's church. It's going well and they like how we interact. I'm still in the teenage-state of mind, so it's a lot easier for me to understand what they say and for me to explain things to them. I'm really enjoying it. True, it's Christianity, and I'm as far from Christian as possible right now, but it's a learning experience. I'm trying to teach them to be open-minded. It makes life a lot easier for me, anyway.

Lily is due in a month. I'm very apprehensive. So many emotions keep running through my body and I am left feeling numb at the end of the day. Along with Mary Kay, I've started babysitting friends' children to earn some quick cash here and there. It's helping out a bit. I can do my little errands when I need to. I'm still scared, though. It’s very difficult sometimes. I keep trying to convince myself that everything will be okay, but the main people from whom I want the most support from have very little faith in me; it's makes it that much harder.

J and I have discussed a few things. I don't think I remember most of it. I have the tendency that if it's not written down, I will forget. But I do remember a few things. I don't think he understands pregnancy as much as he would like to believe. I told him Lily had hiccups and he actually said "I doubt it," because he thought it wasn't possible. I wonder if he realises he's not a pregnant female nor does he have a now weekly appointment with an obstetrician to check on fetal progress. I think I know a little bit more about our child than he. But I'm getting sidetracked.

There are times when I wish things were different. I've forgiven J to some extent. I will give him a chance. He is my husband and the father of my child, and he has shown progress on trying to find the right path in life. I, too, am trying to better myself as a human being. I haven't been able to continue my counseling sessions, as my insurance has run out and I must fix that later on this morning. However, even though I feel that I have forgiven him for the way he reacted and treated things, it's still a difficult process to try and put aside sometimes. I don't know if I'll ever truly get over it. My mother swears that he will always beat me out of anger, that he will always drink, and that he will always screw up our (he and my) lives. Then again, my mother, and the rest of the family for that matter, has never been truly supportive. Frankly, I think both my and his parents need to quit meddling because all they are doing is making matters worse. I'm truly exhausted from all this nonsense.

J wants to start anew somewhere else, somewhere fresh. I want to stay here. Not because I don't want the same, but because I am not yet ready. I have many things to work out that need time and whether he likes it or not, I refuse to budge. It's not that his feelings are irrelevant to me, but if he wants a decent marriage, he needs to realise that if I'm not ready, if either of us is not ready, the marriage will fall apart all over again, and this time, I'm not willing to go through that scenario again. I have a pregnancy that I will soon finish and an infant that I must soon take care of. Peace and tranquility is my main foundation to be able to function.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I will not be able to pursue what I had once planned. I do not have the money, nor the transportation and materials to do so. I do see, however, that this is for the best. I was given this problem for a reason, and I believe it was to see that I need time to take care of my newborn first, before I make drastic changes and plans for the future.

Carrying Lily for these past eight and a half months has been a God send. I prayed to Gaia for a month so that I could carry a child, and she granted me my wish. I then prayed that I had a healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy, and that labor and delivery would run smoothly and would be as unstressful as possible. I'm soon approaching the time for Lily's birth and all has gone as well as I had hoped. My spirituality has reached one of its highest moments, and I'm thankful for that. It has kept me sane for the most part, and I feel that I can tackle just about any obstacle that is put in my way. I may be a bit fearful with each new task of life, but I will soon overcome.

J and I have been talking since Monday night. It's actually been a relief to be able to discuss things in a civil manner. He's accepted the fact that he was the one at fault and many other things and has taken the proper steps on becoming a better person. He now has a certificate from Anger Management. He has finished all his counseling there.

However, as of yesterday afternoon, J is currently unemployed. The military finally discharged him and he's filing for unemployment this afternoon. We almost got into an arguement for a moment. I, being the emotional mess that I naturally am and it being worse through pregnancy hormones, panicked. He thought I was being so because then I wouldn't get any money. Once I had calmed down a bit I explained to him that I still worry about his wellbeing, and not only that, but everything that happens to him, especially financially, will effect both Lily and I. He understood, and proceeded to tell me that he did talk to TRICARE before his out-process. I will be insured throughout the pregnancy until the day after Lily is born; then I'm on my own.

I'm scared, but a lot calmer about the situation. I'm more worried about what I'm supposed to do, but all I really can do is take care of myself and my child until she's born and then go from there. I pray that I get all the necessary scholarships that I applied for so that I can not worry about tuition, and if I do, then I can easily have health care and child care services taken care of. I know my knees and head will be sore for a long while; I'll be praying like a maniac.

I'm slowly losing sanity. This is not a figure of speech. I wake up in the middle of the night sobbing and talk to people who aren't there. I've been hallucinating, and what bothers me the most is that I know it is not real, but my body doesn't respond to that sense of logic. I need to go back into therapy. I had stopped because it was still difficult to get everything out. I thought I had begun to heal, but about a week ago the preosecuting attourney called me and after speaking to her, I burst into tears once I hung up the phone.

This just keeps getting harder and harder as the time progresses. I'm not too worried about it. Since I haven't spoken to J in the past month or two, I have stayed focus on my goals. I have already been accepted back at TSU, I have already sent out applications to scholarship funds, as well as one provided by the school, and I have also contacted child care centers for infants. I'm nervous and excited and scared. I keep praying that all goes as planned.

J will be discharged from the military. No one knows when, but he will be. He has also started to pay alimony. I'm depressed and sick with sinusitis. I am constantly exhausted and I hope that this feeling will go away soon. I just want December to come. Everything has become too much to bear.