NaNoWriMo 2013 Character and Story Notes

Main Characters:

• Kaya Miller neé Blackthorne: 5’1 (15 dm), petite build. long (almost to knees) curly black hair, brown eyes with dark green flecks. 31yo. nahualli/witch. Family dies in apocalyptic meteor crash. brown skin, button nose, full lips. Exceptional bow hunter. She's very arts & crafts-y, which is why she's survived so long. She knows how to knit, crochet, sew, spin, and basic carpenter skills, along with her hunting skills. She was already a skilled archer before the death of her family, learning with her father when she was a teen. She was very bubbly and outgoing, but due to her family's deaths, she's become very serious and very reserved. 
• Michael Summerer, 6’4, (20 dm) slender build, shaggy light brown hair, hazel eyes, dimpled cheeks and chin. 33yo. hunter. Family hunts superhumans (Chāozìrán) for profit. Usually carries a small dart gun in a shoulder holster. Somewhat nerdy and more compassionate than his brother. Parents were killed by vampires/zombies shortly after catastrophe. In an attempt to avenge their parents, the boys became hunters. Have no idea that Chaoziran are technically science experiments and work the Capital's disease control center
• Karl Summerer, 6’1, (18 dm) brawny build, dark brown hair, green eyes, 35yo, hunter. Brother to Michael. Usually carries a pocket knife and a set of lockpicks. Is usually self-absorbed and rather a jerk. He's focused mostly on the money.

The characters' personalities are developing slowly. Oh so slowly.

Setting:
Post-apocalyptic era.
Planet: Yeni Dunya. The planet revolves around a young sun and has two moons, one red and one yellow. The year consists of 10 months, the day, of 22 hours. The climate is similar to Earth's with four general seasons: pavasaris (spring), vasar (summer), rudens (autumn), zìema (winter)
Flora and Fauna: Closely resembles that of Earth's. NOTE: I've been researching woodland animals, basic animals someone may hunt if living out in the wilderness, specifically  wooded area, and using some form of their scientific classification and names as the new animal names. For example, if Kaya was out hunting and she came across an animal that resembled an opossum, the animal is named "delphi", out of the opossum's scientific name of Didelphimorphia.
Months:

1. Unumber
2. Secundilis
3. Tertilis
4. Quartilis
5. Quintilis
6. Sextilis
7. September
8. October
9. November
10. December

City: Summer Tree. State: Saxet. Area similar to United States called Haven in the continent of Ironside. Year is 3017 CE or 5 ACE
Planet was colonized by Earthlings thousands of years ago. There are five continents: Ironside, Stoneside, Bronzeside, Copperside, Steelside

Background: In the 2060s scientists developed vaccines in an attempt to prolong life. Recipients were adults between 20 to 40 years of age. Most recipients died 5 years after vaccination due to complications. The rest found the vaccination ineffective and died regular deaths from natural causes. In 2086, a second attempt was made with a new type of vaccine. Test subjects were fetus, infants and toddlers, ranging from ages embryo to 5 years. This was the only attempt with this vaccine. No complications were reported. The year is 3012 CE when all hell comes down on Yeni Dunya. 5 asteroids (about 600m in diameter each) plummet into the planet’s surface destroying multiple cities and killing billions. (Population in 3010, approx. 8 billion.) Kaya’s city suffers from impact; her family, husband and 4 children, is killed. Due to radiation caused by asteroids, the children from 2nd vaccine develop DNA-altering side effects, with the exception of skin-walkers and those with zoanthropy/therianthropy who’ve had DNA microinjected. The Chaoziran:

• Vampirism- photosensitivity, porphyria, polydontia
  • Zombism- a mutation of vampirism, causing mental deterioration.
  • Vampires and zombies are classified under “dhampirs”
• Witchism- being able to see and feel “energy” or vibrations and bending it to one’s will. Can include psychokinesis.
  • Witches are classified under “nahuallis” and are the rarest form of Chaoziran.
• Skin-Walkers- microinjection to embryos with DNA from sponges and starfish. Have the ability to detach skin and tissue and generate new skin and tissue. Does not work on bones.
  • Classified as “regenerates” as they regenerate human tissue.
• Therianthropy/Zoanthropy- (includes but not limited to lycanthropy, galeanthropy, kynanthropy, and ailuranthropy)
  • microinjection to embryos with DNA of a specific animal, such as wolves, cats of various species, and dogs, causing heightened senses, flexibility and mobility.
  • Symptoms are in a constant state of flux with a peak every 29.5 days corresponding with lunar cycles. Does not affect bones.
  • wolf/wolves, lýkos/lýkoi; dog/dogs, kyōn/kynesi; cat/cats, galí̱/galeni; wildcat/wildcats, aílouros/aílouroi

Working Title: Hunted (seriously need to pick a better title, have gotten suggestions but working on it later)

Proper synopsis:

The year is 3017, the planet is Yeni Dunya. Five years have passed since the "end of the world" when 5 large asteroids hit the planet killing billions. Now two types of people remain. The humans, descendants of the Earth people who colonized the planet, and the Chaoziran, supernatural humans whose DNA has been altered by science experiments and the radiation from the meteorites. The scientists want their experiments back and they have contracted bounty hunters to do the job for them.

Kaya Blackthorne is a Chaoziran, a witch-type known as a nahualli. Five years ago, she lost her entire family to the asteroid crash and now lives alone just trying to survive each day. She wanders in the cover of darkness in hopes that no one notices her growing abilities.

Karl and Michael Summerer are bounty hunters and brothers. Their sole purpose in life is to find rogue Chaoziran and return them to the Disease Control Center at their nation's Capitol, for profit, of course. Together, they round up the unwanted and pull a pretty penny for it.

On their mission to obtain Kaya, Karl and Mike realize that maybe their job description isn't so black and white. Will they bring the feisty nahualli to the Capitol in one piece, or will she teach them a lesson of acceptance and rebellion?

.....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGKGIUGHKJJ,KGKGSEASNVCHJKHSDFCHJK

My Getting-Ready-for-a-Date Process

1. Jump in shower and scrub head to foot like scraping off layers of dirt even though took a shower the day before.
2. Brush teeth in middle of conditioning hair.
3. Shave like about to be a pin-up for Hustler magazine.
4. Get out of shower and lotion every inch of body, including face.
5. Attack body with deodorant, perfume, and baby powder, because even though so fresh and so clean, stress sweat has already started fucking shit up.
6. Make sure eyebrows are properly plucked; cuss at tweezers.
7. Make sure no facial hair is above upper lip; cuss even louder at tweezers
8. Bend upside-down and blow-dry hair into curly mess.
9. Once dry, separate hair into sections, and straighten the fuck out of it.
10. Put serum in hair so that it doesn't look like just fried the hell out of it.
11. Fight with "sexy" underwear.
12. Fight with pants.
13. Stand in front of mirror with hair tied back in headband and ponytail with no shirt on and dig through entire make-up bag.
14. MAKE-UP TIME: Put on foundation and concealer, fill in eyebrows, put on four different kinds of eyeshadow in special technique, place eyeliner in a way that doesn't make like a racoon, add mascara, put on lip-liner, add two shades of lipstick for a specific shade, top off with lip gloss, cover everything in powder to keep everything in place.
15. Find a shirt, blouse, top, SOMETHING! to keep the sweater puppies from not popping out and the muffin top from not showing.
16. Accessorize! (includes shoes)
17. Fuss in front of mirror.
18. Blog in panic. ;)

And they say getting ready is no big deal...... I'm pooped, but really excited. We hashed out most of the details last week, so we'll be going to dinner at Brio's Tuscan Grille and then a movie at the Regal Arbor 8. I want to avoid romantic-themed movies, like Enough Said, Austenland, and Romeo & Juliet, so I'm thinking of sticking to the suspense-thriller We Are What We Are. Not sure. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. I just have to keep reminding myself I got this. I GOT THIS.

National Novel Writing Month 2013!!

It's that time of year again! The time of year where I hole myself up in my room and type until my fingers bleed! NaNoWriMo is fast approaching with its much anticipated arrival in just two days! For those of you who don't know, I will be spending the entire month of November typing away, screaming, and probably crying, while I take another attempt at a novel! I've done this every November for the past 7 years. I've yet to win a single NaNo, but, just like every year before now, I feel like this year can truly be my year!

So when November rolls around and you're wondering why I haven't left my house, answered any of my calls, and cry uncontrollably, DON'T PANIC. I'm not back in a psychiatric facility or having a nervous breakdown, I'm just trying to pull out my inner author and losing my soul in the process. I'll be back to normal as soon as December hits. :)

Tomorrow I will be attending my FIRST EVER Kick-Off Party here in Austin. It starts at 8, so I'll probably still be in costume from being with the kids, but I know of others who said they will be, too. I'm considering taking photos, but I don't know just yet. There will be a guest speaker, food, and plenty of coffee, tea, and caffeinated beverages to keep us up and running from midnight until 2am. If I do take pictures, I will definitely be posting them. :)

See you soon and enjoy this joyous season!

Moments Lost, Though Time Remains

I had a great weekend with the children. Iris was grounded due to behavior, so I only had Lily, Rose, and Dorian, but we enjoyed ourselves.

On Saturday, after a long day of chores and playing with the kids, I had made plans with two of my old guy friends from high school whom I haven't seen in years. We were supposed to just hang out and chat for a bit, catch up. Well, I was stood up. TWICE. Both of them never showed. Jon was supposed to be there at around 9pm, but he was trying to get his kids to sleep. I kept communication open, but at about 1030 he stopped answering. I waited until 11 before giving up. Matt was supposed to show at midnight, but was held up fixing a friend's car. At 130 he messages me letting me know he's heading out soon, when a giant storm hits at around 145. I was like, "OK, shit happens. Jon probably fell asleep with his kids, and the storm hit too hard for Matt to leave his place." But then neither of them said anything on Sunday. Correction, Jon did confirm he fell asleep and apologized, but that was it. Nothing. Not a word.

It frustrated me to no end. When you tell me we're going to meet up at a certain time, and then don't show and have me wait TWO HOURS, it makes me not want to make any plans with you ever again. Unless you're mom is dying, try and communicate with me the next day, too. I was so mad. I'm over it, though.

My date's on Wednesday and I already have my outfit set out and how I want my hair and make-up to look. I'm obsessing, I know, but my life isn't too exciting these days.

Are We Dreaming There Are Better Days to Come?

I can already tell it's going to be "one of those days."
I have yet to fall asleep. I've been awake since yesterday and my everything hurts. I still have some sort of cold and keep hacking and coughing so much I have a headache.
The cheap cigarettes I bought taste awful. I've bought cheap cigarettes before, but none that have tasted so much like butt.
I had to go over to J's apartment this morning because he locked himself out of his place. Then I had to take the girls' homework folders to the school because J had forgotten to put them in their backpacks.
I've been on the phone all morning with people trying to clear a few things up with welfare.
I just want to sleep. This awake-every-other-day thing is bullshit.

If You Close Your Eyes, Does It Almost Feel Like You've Been Here Before?

I have a date next Wednesday. Yes, an actual date with an actual human being. I'm kind of freaking out about it. Actually, I'm a whole lot freaking out about it, but I'm keeping the panic reigned in.

I got into contact with my old friend Mike about a year or two ago on Facebook. I deleted my account about a month ago, so we've kept in touch through text messages. I've known Mike since we were freshman at Harker Heights high school and were in the same JROTC class and both in the PT/OT team. After I moved and transferred to Shoemaker, I saw him once in a blue moon. We'd bump into each other during JROTC meets until I dropped out my sophomore year, and then at random school events until about the end of junior year or so. Technically, I haven't physically seen him for a little over 10 years now. We both went our separate ways; he joined the Marines and retired about 4 years ago, and of course I got married and had ten million babies.

I'm trying to remember not to panic. Physically, the only thing that has changed on Mike is that he got buff since joining the Marines. He now works in construction so he's still in shape. I, however, did not stay in shape after my breakdown. Sure, I'm no longer 185lbs like I was two months ago, but I'm still 169, which is still much larger than I should be. The last time he saw me, I still had a waif-like appearance. I, personally, hate my new zaftig figure; he doesn't seem to care and sounds amused about the extra padding.

Come next week, I'm sure I'll lose my shit. I'll be fussing about my hair, trying to get it straight in a way that doesn't look like I fried it to death, picking out an outfit that is flattering and doesn't make me look like a busted can of biscuit dough, and making sure that my make-up is nice, but still looks natural. I don't want to end up looking like a panda by the end of the night. Which reminds me, I should not wear only black and white when out and about. The last thing my self-esteem needs is some kid pointing out the small panda having dinner with the nice man.

OK. I'm almost at full panic now and the event is still a week away. Seriously, Vonnie, calm your panties. *facepalm* I was with J for 11 years. I have no idea what I'm doing.

NaNo and Other Things

I'm hashing out ideas for my nano. I know what I want in the story, but I'm having trouble figuring out the plot line.

The story is that it's the end of the world, and micro-injections was performed on a specific age group. These injections have caused DNA modifications and have caused people to turn into zombies, vampires, therians, and witches. However, these science experiments were toddlers at the time and are now adults with powers they have no idea how they arrived. The scientists want their experiments back, so they've contracted bounty hunters to retrieve them. My main characters are two bounty hunters and a witch. The hunters are obviously after the witch, but she has other plans. They end up becoming friends after she explains to them what is really going on. She even falls in love with one of the hunters. The problem I'm coming to is, where does it go from here? What do they do? Do they end up hunting together to find the experiments that have gone bat-shit and are killing innocents? Do they try and take down the government in an attempt to put an end on the experiments? I DON'T KNOW. Thank goodness NaNoWriMo doesn't start for another couple of weeks.

Iris's birthday is coming up. Dorian had his 18 month check up last week. He isn't speaking at the proper level, only knowing a few words instead of the average 20. He will have to be tested for Autism soon. They thought it was a hearing problem, but I've tested that theory. He can hear just fine, he just has no fucks to give.

I have the kids this weekend and I've been enjoying it with them. :)

Lost

I feel like I'm breaking, like something is missing.
I went from about 7 different medications down to 2. I just have an anti-psychotic and a sleep aid. Without any stress, my symptoms have been easily managed. I'm happy about this but at the same time, worried. I'll always have the fear of relapsing on the back of my mind. I sometimes wish this were an addiction of some sort. That would be easier for me to control. I can't say no or restrain my brain from losing it's shit. How do I do that? I know how to muddle my way through it, but I can't stop the onslaught of hallucinations assaulting all of my senses. The depression I can deal with; everything else is just terrifying.
I feel like a puzzle my kids got a hold of. All the pieces are scattered on the floor, and a few have gone missing.

Someone Hold Me to Sleep

I'm lonely. I hate sleeping in this bed alone. I'd like a cuddle buddy. I remember laying in bed with an old girlfriend of mine; she was soft and warm, and I haven't felt that in what seems like a long time. Sometimes I wish I was some sort of addict so I could drown my sorrows in something, but I don't like booze, and hate drugs. The other times I dream of overdosing.

Get your shit together, Vonnie.

One Day or Another

These past few months have been pretty hectic. There have been many life changes since the last time I posted.

1. In April I was hospitalized for the third time in a year, this time for 2 weeks, where I was put on stronger medication.

2. From the middle of April through the end of June I attended an outpatient program. It left me with a sense of clarity I hadn't had in a long time.

3. CPS had me move out of my apartment by July 1. I had a case that had started back in November and was closed in June. They found me unsafe without supervision so I was no longer allowed overnight stays. I stayed with my mom and sister for a little while until I found a roommate in Austin 10 minutes away from J and the kids. Thank you craigslist.

4. I've changed my medication twice since April. Nothing is working as it should, it has made me gain so much weight I got up to 185 lbs, and I've been so frustrated with it that I haven't taken anything in a month. My symptoms have been relatively mild, thanks to the minimal stress I've had, but this isn't going to last for very long. I meet with my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks to change my medication again.

5. On July 30, J and I divorced. With my mental health and the CPS case, we thought it best to split. We are still on good terms, though I still think he has a serious superiority complex.

6. My weekends are full. I have custody of the kids from Friday night until Sunday night.

7. I'm finally getting out of the fort I built to protect myself and making friends (ones that aren't imaginary). I joined a few groups on Meetup and have made a couple of friends. I have monthly meetings with the Yew Grove UU Pagans and the North Austin Pagans. I meet with knitters and crocheters every Tuesday and Friday.

8. My whole world has been upside-down since summer of 2011. I think it's finally beginning to turn upright again. I worry every day I'm going to fall apart again.

31 Day Organizing Challenge, The End is Nigh

At the beginning of the month I mentioned this:

Now, I thought I had completely lost it for about 20 minutes before I realized I was wasting time wondering if I'd lost it. 

Quick back-story: Back in August we moved into our (much smaller than what we had) apartment. Along with a big move, we also had to downsize to fit in this new place. Needless to say it's been a total nightmare. In October, we took EVERYTHING from our storage unit out and shoved it into our living room. Our "living space" was then dubbed the "Storage" because it was filled, floor to ceiling, with boxes upon boxes of our stuff.

As the months progressed, the husband and I purged like crazy getting rid of furniture we had no room for, toys the kids hadn't played with in over a year, clothes, nick-knacks, you name it! If I had it, I probably donated it to the Salvation Army. At one point I was in tears from all the stress.

In February we had a residual mess of unpacked boxes and such. You couldn't actually see any of the sitting area, and there was only a small trail from the front door to the stairs that everyone had to shimmy through. If anyone tried to stop and visit, we had an uncomfortable game of musical chairs and someone had to stay standing. So when March rolled around and I still had too much sh--junk in the living room, I said enough is enough.

For judging purposes, the following questions will be posted and answered to.

1. What space did you decide to organize and why?My living room, because it was a gigantic hot mess and I wanted a place to relax!

2. What steps did you take to ensure you completed the space within the 31 day timeline?One day at a time, one box at a time. I didn't throw everything into a gigantic pile. I started with small things, sorted, purged, and then moved on to the next small pile.

3. What was the hardest part of the challenge for you and how did you overcome it?The hardest thing that I came across was getting rid of things I was fond of or had kept because it was a memento of a special time in my life. I overcame this obstacle by taking a picture of it to print and put in an album. Even if I no longer had it in my hand, I could still show that I had it once upon a time and remember why I had kept it for so long.

4. What did you do with the “stuff” you were able to purge out of your newly organized space?If the stuff was in bad shape, it was thrown in the dumpster. Piles upon piles of papers and such were sent to recycle. Everything else, like all the old baby things, and clothes, etc, were boxed up and picked up by or dropped off at The Salvation Army.

5. Tell me one of your proudest moments during this challenge?
I'm a half-asser. I couldn't tell you the last time I started something and actually finished it. The fact that I was able to flail about for an entire month and actually accomplish something...AWESOME.

6. Explain any organizing “tools” you used to help you create additional space and to establish some limits and boundaries?
I can't think of any....

7. What is ONE piece of organizing advice you’ve learned on this journey that you could encourage someone else with?
Everything is a PROCESS. A little at a time can really make a hug difference.

And now, the pictures!

Here is my living room before:

before: view from front door

before: view from kitchen

before: view from front door

before: view from stairs

before: view from stairs

See all those lovely boxes and whatnot? Oh the joys of moving! *snort**choke**gag* I had to take several pictures just so you could so all of the mess in such a tiny space!

With extra help from the husband, here is my living room now:

after: view from front door

after: view from kitchen

after: view from stairs

Now in the middle picture, the view from the kitchen, you'll notice that the chaise has a few little bins on it. Those will be going upstairs, as they are office supplies and don't belong here. As for the boxes surrounding the chaise, those are "keep" piles that need to be reevaluated. During the initial purge, these things were kept. Now we have to go through them again, and purge some more. There's even a box by the couch that is for donation to the Salvation Army that I accidentally left behind today.

We're not done with the space, but this challenge has given me the tools I needed to really make a big dent in organizing my new home. As for the bookshelves, that was my husband's idea. We had originally meant for our spare room to be a library with the "office" downstairs, but it seemed convoluted, inconvenient, and cramped. The large furniture would not have fit well. While I was away with the children for spring break, my husband took it upon himself to switch the two around. Now our classroom and office supplies and furniture are upstairs, where they can fit more comfortably, and our library downstairs, where we can entertain both our mind and our senses. So a round of applause to J, with whom this would not have been made possible. (I don't have that kind of upper body strength!)

I want to give a shout out and a big thank you to Laura at Orgjunkie.com for coming up with this challenge. While I have participated in her challenges over the past three years, I've never truly used the tools and advice she provides like I did this time around. I also want to congratulate all the others who did this challenge. We could do it, and we did! Also, we're awesome! ;)

Org Junkie’s 31 Day Organizational Challenge

So, back in August, the family and I moved to Austin into a 3-bedroom apartment. In October, we got EVERYTHING out of our storage unit and packed into the living room. Now this wouldn't have been such a big deal if we hadn't moved from a 2-story, 4-bedroom Victorian house into this tiny apartment. Even though we had gotten rid of, thrown away, and donated a MULTITUDE of things, stuff, and junk, we still had too much. The living room was packed, floor to ceiling, with nothing but boxes. Come March, and my living room only remotely resembles a space to relax and watch a movie.

Five months is a ridiculously long time to organize a space, but this mess is just as ridiculous. On top of that, I spent a total of two months taking care of sick children thanks to a just-as-ridiculous cold that was making its rounds throughout the entire CenTex area. This living room is stressing me out! I don't even want to look at it! I am determined, however, to get this room organized! This is the reason why I have joined up with a bunch of other clutter-whelmed people for OrgJunkie's Organizing Challenge. By the end of this month, I hope to have cleaned up the entire living room and made it a gathering place for the family, a place to relax, a place to have fun and entertain.

Here is what my living room looks like now:

See why this is terrifying? Don't worry, though. I got this! ... I think. :-/

End of 2012

As the last day of the 2012 year, I am left reflection upon the last 365 days, today being the 366th. There has been a lot of pain, frustration, and confusion this past year, and I'm hoping to not have this much on my shoulders this upcoming year. I look through old entries in my journals, old and new, dusty hardbacks, paperbacks, and those typed up on the computer, and find myself seeing so many failures and disappointments. I feel like I have written books full of all of my mistakes and haven't truly learned from them. This coming year, I hope to change all that. I hope to be able to do what I want and need to do to be a better person.

I'm not setting goals this coming year, other than getting the damn apartment unpacked. I don't want a list of things I want to do, just to look back at it later and feel the disappointment of failing at life. I will be making life changes, though, and I don't really see them as goals.

1. I will stop complaining, because harping on bad things all the time will not help on focusing on the good bits.
2. I will stop avoiding my problems. Ignoring them doesn't mean they are not there. I need to grow a vagina and face it. Vaginae, the proper plural for vagina, take a lot, stretch out to deal with it, and then get back in shape to where they were as if nothing happened. Vaginae are resilient.
3. I will stop comparing myself to others. I am no better than anyone else, and no one else is better than me. We are all equal, just in different areas of life. Coveting the lifestyle of someone else isn't helping any, I need to get it done myself and stop wishing.
4. I will stop worrying about things that haven't happened yet, that's just going to stress me out. I need to live life one day at a time, and deal with the issues at hand which are more important.
5. I will not let my problems overwhelm me. I will deal with what I can handle, if it it proves too much, I will ask for help, even if it embarrasses the shit out of me to do so.
6. I will do things that I love, and often, like reading and writing, crowding all four children in the bed with me for snuggles, making a pillow fort, or watching a movie with the husband, even if I have to drag him away from his computer.
7. I will not keep relationships that no longer serve me in a positive way. I may love someone, and care for them deeply, but if they are sucking the happiness out of me, constantly bringing drama into my life, I need to cut them out. I have enough problems to deal with than having to deal with the childish behavior of others.
8. I will not try change others. That is something the other person has to be willing to do. I need to work on me first.
9. I will stop try to please others. Not everyone is going to be happy with my life choices. That is their problem and not mine. I need to please myself, and the ones whose life I hold in my hands.
10. And lastly, because I know this will be one of the hardest, I will not emotionally tie myself to goals, people, or things. It will lead to disappointment and lack of lesson learning. This covers much of what I have already outlined and explains the beginning of this entry. Attaching myself emotionally will cause more stress and hinder progress.

I intend to grow this upcoming year. No, I WILL grow.

Still Standing.

I am alive. I'm still here. Just have a lot going on right now.
I have really good days, and really bad ones. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.
Just taking one day at a time.
On day at a time.

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FAT

I am 40lbs overweight.
At 5'1, I am 155 lbs. I'm a thick girl, bottom heavy, and busty, but this is too much weight. When I met my husband I was 95lbs. When we got married I was 110. After birthing 4 of his children, I am not 155 lbs! That is MORE than I was when I was 9 months along with any of the kids! This needs to stop...now!

Starting tomorrow: portion control. I've already been exercising, doing yoga to deal with my stress. J got me p90x and Insanity, so going to be doing those starting tomorrow after chores. This weight NEEDS to come off, like yesterday.

The problem I'm having is that I have been binging like crazy. I binge when stressed. I've been managing well the past couple of week since doing yoga, but I still can't believe how big I've gotten. I may have to do a fast. I'm going to have to ask my mom how she does it, since she fasts all the time without getting sick.

Fingers crossed I get all this crap off my bones!

Let it Rain over Me

This separation from my family is killing me. I hate not being able to be at home. Today will mark one month since CPS opened their case. We have yet to move foward because things didn't get processed the way they should have. Because of someone else's mistake, my family continues to suffer over this. I hate having to sit down with my daughters every time they ask me when I can come home and have to tell them, not yet.

 I applied for SSI. I had my appointment today. Hopefully I get this. I also found an apartment in Austin for a reasonable price that we could move into. I'm hoping that our deed-in-lieu doesn't disqualify us, or the fact that we've only been in these apartments for the past three months. Fingers crossed.

I feel like I'm losing my mind all over again.

Clarity

While things kind of suck right now, since getting my diagnosis, my life makes so much sense now!

You Are Exceptional

Life feels so dreary these days. My little rays of sunshine are away in Austin with their uncle, and as much as I would love to be with them, that privilege has been stripped away from me. This whole CPS case is leaving me feeling more depressed than I was three weeks ago in the psychiatric unit. The kids are taken to their uncle’s at 6 in the morning. While I can go with them, I’ve been staying at my mother’s which is a good 20-minute drive away from my apartment. Even if I stay at my sister’s (who lives, at most, a 10-minute drive away) I don’t have the proper transportation to get me back to my apartment at 5 AM and then back to my sister’s at 10 PM. It’s a waste of resources we just don’t have right now. It makes my heart hurt knowing I can’t be left alone with my children. Yes, I know why this situation has been set in place. I know I wasn’t safe to be around due to the fact that my schizophrenia hit it’s peak, but I’m tired of being treated like a bomb that can blow at any moment. I’m getting tired of having to have someone with me at all times just so I can be with my children. I abhor the fact that I’m in this situation. I’ve taken damn good care of those children, my flesh and blood, for almost seven years now without prior incident. I lose my mind, and seek help, knowing that I could be a danger to my children, and get punished for it! I wish I could go back to the hospital and smack the stupid social worker who started this mess, who has never suffered from a mental illness in her life. If I was truly going to hurt my children, wouldn’t I have done it by now?! The thought of all this gives me headaches. I detest the feeling I get when I wake up in the morning, in my mother’s guest bedroom, surrounded by no one. I don’t wake up to a baby talking and squealing. I don’t get to tell toddlers to stop opening my door. I don’t get woken up by kisses. I’m alone in a king-sized bed with no one to share it with. I’m not allowed overnight stays at my own apartment if my children are there. I’m wondering if I should have stayed at the psychiatric unit. It’s not much different from what I do here. At least there I had people to talk to, activities planned to take up time during the day. At least there I wasn’t so alone. I could legitimately miss my kids and my husband because they were 160 or so miles away. This void feels superficial. My children are in the same town as I am and I can’t even be with them. I’m trying to stay positive. I understand why the social worker called CPS. I understand why CPS is taking the measures it needs to. I understand, but just because I understand doesn’t mean I like it. Just because I understand doesn’t mean I think this entire situation is ridiculous and a taint to my good name. It’s hard to stay positive when I’m not allowed to be alone with my kids in our own home. I feel drained. The medicines I’m on work. I’m finally better and I can’t even enjoy it. I finally get a vacation away from the children and I don’t want it. It was forced upon me. I’m still depressed, but no amount of medicine could make me feel better right now. Every time I have to say good bye to the children at night makes the rest of that night disagreeable to the nth degree. A whole month left of this preposterous case. I hope I can make it. My psyche has been through enough; I don’t want to end up where I started.

Schizoaffective

Finally broke. Ended up in the psych ward for two weeks. I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. It's a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar mood disorder. Things from my past are finally making sense. All of my hallucinations and delusions now have a cause. I'm in the middle of a CPS case now. It's no fun, but I'm trying to stay positive. It's hard. I miss my kids. It makes me wonder if I should have just stayed at the psych ward. I published my journal from my two-week stay at the hospital. www.cracked-schizo.blogspot.com That is all.

...

I'm falling apart. that is all.

YAY

It's raining; BAD. So I'm sitting in the back porch, chilling in the darkness, because the power went out at around 745p and it's cooler out here than inside. Regardless of the shitty weather, though, today was a very good & eventful day. After the girls did some assessment testing, we ate lunch & spent the day at the park with Kesia and her daughter. We were there about a good two hours when it started to look like rain, so we headed back to my mom's & the girls played, watched Adventure Time & then had dinner. While at the park, I recieved a phone call from housing letting us know that our apartment is ready! We sign the lease first thing tomorrow morning. Woo hoo! J has another interview Thursday at 1p. Fingers are still crossed. Things are slowly falling into place & it feels so good.

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Power Month

It's finally May. May is the month for me. I believe it's so. I picture it and believe it is the month that will tip the balance. Everything has been at a standstill for months, but I pray this month is the one that will make things happen.

It's been two weeks since Luis Nuñez died. I went through old journal entries, finding his name in the pages, remembering how life was. I've been in reflection since. If I died tomorrow, I want my family to be able to say I did something with my life, for my life...

We were finally approved for public housing. Well, we've been approved since February, but now we are off the wait list. At the end of the month we should be moving into our new apartment. It works out perfectly. We had been staying with Gin and Doug in Cove, but their lease is up come June 1. We have a few things to pack from there that belong to us, but we will be helping them move to OK as well.

At first I panicked. Public housing rent is based on income. The monthly rent is 30% of your annual income, divided by twelve. Then, of course, there is the electric and water bills, not to mention the fact that we need internet access for our schooling. While J is working for my brother, the jobs are sporadic, the income unsteady. We need something that we know will keep us in the clear and where we will be able to keep paying our bills, no matter how small they are.  J has a job interview on Friday morning with Scott & White hospital for an IT position. Fingers, toes, and all extremities are crossed. We need this. They are very impressed with his resumé; I hope it gets him hired ASAP. Things seem like they are getting better. I hope this continues.

We are finishing up lessons with the kids, starting our end-of-year reviews and tests. The girls have been doing well so far. I hope they continue to stay focused. It becomes tedious sometimes, but they're bright kids, the sometimes just need blinders on. As for our own schooling, J just started his last two classes yesterday. Once he is done with these two, he finally graduates and gets that damned degree in his hand. He will no longer need to bust his ass doing homework (though, knowing him, he'll continue to study.) I hope this really helps him advance in his career. I'm in my third week of my second attemt at Eng125. So far not-so good. I am currently failing because I forgot to turn in my week 1 paper even though I did all of my discussion posts. HOWEVER, I did all of my discussion posts for this week AND remembered to turn in the weekly paper, so I'm hoping to bump up my grade back to a C or higher. I'm working hard. I need to focus and continue to do well in school. I CANNOT FUCK THIS UP AGAIN. Seriously.

I'm anxious. My panic attacks have been becoming more frequent and ridiculous and I hate feeling like this. My heart races, my hands shake, and I feel like vomiting. It doesn't help that my anemia is in full swing, and that I'm having "girl" issues. DISCLAIMER: TMI MOMENT; SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH NOW: I have been menstruating for the past two weeks. I know I stopped breastfeeding a month ago and have had my tubes tied, but I still don't think hemorrhaging from my snatch for two weeks straight is normal. I see the OBGYN on Thursday to make sure there are no complications.

Things are stressful, but progressing, and there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Granted, I knew there was always one, but it got pretty dark in that tunnel and very long, so it was hard to tell where in the tunnel we were. I'm glad that we are finally reaching the end of this journey so we can finally move the fuck on. I'M TIRED. I'm so excited, though. I just want all this to be done with so I can finally relax.

Things That Make My World Go 'Round

On Wednesday, April 4th, J began his work under contract with my brother. My brother recently started his own little company, and they do contract work with remodeling, repair, yard work, et cetera. J worked nonstop from Wednesday morning at 8am, until Thursday afternoon at 3pm. He came home anywhere between 9pm and 11pm during the days inbetween. Needless to say he was exhausted. I was pretty bushed myself. Being mother to four very small, very needy children, not a small task. Rose was having a very hard time adjusting, missing her daddy who had been present every day for pretty much the past two years. Dorian, being only a couple of months old, is of course demanding. Thankfully, he's been off since Thursday afternoon and won't be back at work until tomorrow so the girls have spent as much time with him as possible if he wasnt a)catching up on sleep or b) catching up on his homework.

Yesterday, I took the husband! and the children to church for Easter. The kids had a great time, well, the girls did. I believe Dorian slept through most of it, and I was so tired I don't remember much either. We had a huge lunch afterwards and then came home to take a much needed nap.

My mother spoke to the housing development today. We've been on the waitlist since February and we wanted to know where we stood. As of today, we have anywhere between 60 to 80 days before we have out FOUR-bedroom apartment. Yay! We had been staying at my father-in-law's house for the past couple of months, but he left on Thursday to Oklahoma where he found a better job. The lease on the trailer goes up in June, so Gin text-messaged me today to let me know that the landlord would be coming soon to try and get someone else to rent the place by that time. We weren't supposed to be there, so this week I will be getting our stuff out of there and into my mom's house. We've been staying at my mother's since last week due to the fact that I didn't want J driving a good 20 to 30 extra minutes to get to work and then another 20 to 30 excrutiating minutes back home. This way, he only drove 10, if even that. My brother doesn't live far from my mom.

I'm anxious. I want to get my apartment already. With J finally working, we've been able to pay some old bills and save a little. We already have the $200 that we will need for the deposit on the apartment. Apparently they are new, from what my mom tells me, but I have yet to see them.

I'm planning on going back to school, but I have a lot of things to take care of first. I need to pay my school back 2k. I have 2k from VA that I didn't use, but it's technically not mine to use as I owe them that back. I'm thinking of using it, restarting my VA, and VA will pay itself back. I just need to find a scholarship of some kind on top of the Pell Grant I will be getting so that I can continue when my VA ends in June.

I feel super tired. So much to do, so little time, so little brain to do it with.

Interviewed

I had a job interview a couple of days ago at First National Bank Texas for a bilingual teller position. It's still in review (since Wednesday) and it's driving me nuts. I really NEED this job and I'm just praying we get it. With it, I can pay my in-laws back, and pay off my school debt. Then, when we get off the wait-list for public housing, I can easily pay the rent.

Unknowingly, J and I have been going to my mom's every Tuesday to do laundry. I've been spending a lot of time with her, which has been good. She finally found the source of all her pain. Apparently, when she had her car accident, she had internal injuries that became infected. The infection cleared itself out, and left a large mass of scar tissue that has been pressing against her organs and causing her excrutiating pain ever since. She has several surgeries set up for the future. One is to extract the three tumors in her colon. Another is to remove the tumor in a kidney. And the last one is to remove as much scar tissue from her side as possible.

In general, we're doing okay. Just waiting...

Things Are Slowly Looking Up.

1. Our application for public housing was approved. We are currently on the wait-list. We almost were rejected due to losing the house back in August, but due to the circumstances and the fact that we did a deed in liue instead of a forclusure, they waived that information and approved the application anyway. Currently, we are in the top spot for the 4-bedroom wait list. However, Lisa, the social worker, is trying to find an empty 3-bedroom to house us in until a 4-bedroom is available. While there are 2-bedrooms available, it is required by law that a family of five be housed in a 3-bedroom, and a family of 6 in a 4-bedroom. The only reason they can loophole that is because Dorian will be a newborn and I co-sleep for the first two years.

2. Mother reminded me that she has a friend who works in KISD. I'm hoping that she can help J out with work. We are in desperate need. He has searched evereywhere, and everywhere has rejected him. However, he still refuses to apply at minimum wage jobs, such as Subway or McDonald's. I'm a little pissed at this. Beggars can't be choosers, and right now, we are living off of family. The fact that minimum wage is beneath him is irritating. I know he has concerns about school and how minimum wage would keep us afloat, but at this point, we have NOTHING, so arguing that fact is pointless. However, I've already said my peace on the matter. I'm done and doing my own thing. I'm not worrying about his ass if he's not getting his shit together the way *I* think he should.

3. Five more days. I have a pre-op appointment first thing tomorrow morning and then at 7am on the 7th, this baby is coming out!

4. I'm tired and hate feeling like shit all the time.

...

Anniversary didn't go as planned. J had homework to do and I felt like shit so we stayed home instead and gave the gift card to the in-laws so they can use it when they want. We stayed up well past midnight, headed to Kesia's house aroung that time and hung out for a couple of hours. We currently have an inside joke of "teamwork" and the Wonder Pets' theme song.

I am in a bunch of pain today and I've been feeling worse. I've been nauseaous and woozy for most of the day. Gin made J and I get off the living room furniture and let us lay in her bed for a couple of hours. It made me more aware of everything that hurts. My back is killing me. I just want to be done with this already. I hate being in this much pain.

I don't know where I'm sticking the baby when he comes home. I'm sure that I'm not going to want to leave the comfort and ease of the hospital. I'll have my own bed, not a recliner, and the baby and I will be comfortable in a larger room. Not that I'm not grateful for being here. I just wish we had something that we could be comfortable in. There are no homeless shelters in Killeen, and even if their were, we would still have something to do during the day.

I am very very tired.
I can't handle life anymore.

Seven Years

So I didn't realize until 11pm last night that today is my wedding anniversary. How sad is that? We have had so much shit on our plate that I actually forgot our wedding anniversary.

I'm going to see if the in-laws are willing to watch the girls in the evening & J & I can use the girst card he got on his birthday for an anniversary dinner.

Here We Go Again

When it rains, it pours. *sigh*

Well, due to irreconcilable differences, my sister kicked my husband out of her house yesterday afternoon. Things had become hectic at her house due to the stress and she believes he is verbally abusive to me and our daughters. Considering I have been with this man for the past ten years and *know* when he is being abusive, my husband is just a dick, especially now when stress and tension is high. No one seems to believe me when I say I know my husband better than they do. *facepalm*

And yes, he has been a major dick to me and to the girls a lot lately. He realizes this; we talk every night, something no one else sees as we do it in private, but I apparently don't "see the problem" because I'm on the "inside". The way we raise our daughters is also an issue, yet when asked to call CPS if she truly believes we are neglegent in any way with our children, my sister told him to get out. She tried to emphasize to me that she wasn't kicking me or the girls out, but even Lily explained to my sister that we were leaving together. She can kick whomever she wishes out of her house, but I'm not keeping my husband away from his daughters.

Needless to say, I'm not going to just sit back and not stand behind my husband, so we all packed our things and are staying at his father's house. The girls and I are staying in their little 4yo cousin's room and my husband on the couch. We're cramped, but it will have to do. Rose and Iris think it's another fun sleep over. Lily, however, broke my stepmom-in-law's heart yesterday when she asked her if there was going to be any fighting here, too. Knowing how much this is damaging my children hurts so much. I wish I could make all this hurt and pain and insecurity go away.

My brother tried to convince us to stay at his house for now while he and his dad stayed at my mom's and sister's respectively, but we refused. He then suggested my mom's house, as they had been working on the large guest room to make it ready for us anyway, but we also refused. It's not that we don't appreciate their help, it's just that we are tired of CONSTANTLY being judged. We are judge for our religious prefrences, we are judged for our parenting and schooling choices, we are judged on how we handle our situation, we are judged for everything. A person can only please so many people, and the ones who are the most important, no one seems to realize how all this judgment of thier parents hurts them.

I am very, very depressed. As well as very stressed out. So much so that I was admitted to the hospital yesterday afternoon to check and monitor the baby (I'm now 37 weeks.) I'm in incredible amounts of pain, not to mention I am already considered high risk due to 3 prior c-sections. Dorian and my uterus both seem to be okay but I don't know how I'm going to be holding up. I am horribly exhausted both emotionally and physically and I worry about how much this affects my unborn son.

I'm having a very hard time staying positive. We have yet to hear back from public housing and probably won't hear from them for a while. J has had nothing but rejections from his job-search attempts. I don't know how much more of this I can handle in the next two weeks. Dorian will be here by the 7th. I just don't know how long I can hold on.

Random Memories

My sister and I were thinking about old memories, things we had done 15, 20, up to 25 years ago. I came to realize that my happiest memories have ALWAYS been with my siblings. Though we fought, and rarely had anything in common due to the great age gap (Sol is 12 years older, Nestor is 7 years older) we always had a good time. I could always depend on my brother and my sister.

Sure, even to this day they still get on my last damn nerve sometimes, and vice versa, but I can honestly say I have not one bad memory of either of them. They have never made me feel insignificant. They have never brought me further down when I was at a low point in life. Sure, we had disagreements, but we always made the effort to agree to disagree if we knew there was no point in arguing and that the other's mind was made up.

I don't have moments like that with my parents. My father was nonexistant in my childhood. My stepfather was abusive, controlling, and sure, I had a laugh here and there, but I loathed him. My mother, though I do have *some* good memories, was an all-around disappointment. There were things she did that I would have never even think of doing to my own children; things I could never forgive her for.

I hope that I, as a mom, can give my children great memories. Sure, I want them to have the same kind of memories I had with my siblings, but I also want the to think back at their parents with a bit of dignity. I don't want my children to resent me as a parent, ever, especially not in the way I do my own parents. I really hope I am being the kind of mom that not only is good *for* them but good *to* them.

Just Keep Swimming.

I have been in ungodly pain all day today.

I woke up today after a long night of ridiculous allergies, having BH contractions every time I took a step. I was cranky, miserable, and, according to J, was taking out my frustations on the children. I think I even snapped at him at one time, but I don't know. All I remember is that I had to walk slowly or I would burst into tears. My pelvis feels like it's trying to rip apart, and my son's head feels like it's just going to slip right out. I could barely move without crying out in pain.

I had planned to go to my FIL's house this afternoon with J and the girls, but thought best to stay home where I could bitch and whine on my own time and not ruin the night for everyone. I'm glad I did. The girls seemed to have a good time, and I was able to stay in bed and piss and moan to myself.

Three more weeks of this. Just three more weeks.

Stupid Allergies

I'm so fucking tired of these goddamn allergies! My face is exploding 90% of the time because of the high pollen count. Guess who is allergic to cedar and plane trees? ARGH! I need to see if I can get my allergy shot this late in the pregnancy. I can't do this anymore.

Uneventful day for me. Made some business calls & did some chores, but mostly slept. J hung out with the girls. I couldn't deal with the outside...though it still ended up inside due to the girls playing in the grass. *sigh* If I am not better tomorrow, I'm staying in bed.

It feels like Dorian is trying to juggernaut his way out.

Paperwork Sucks

So I had my appointment with housing this morning. I waited very little and was seen for maybe 15 minutes just to be handed even MORE paperwork. My application was fine, I was missing a few things (due to me listening to my mother), but they gave me 2 weeks to turn it in before denying me anything. And even if I had everything, it still takes them a MONTH before they can tell you whether or not they have anything available. I feel sorry for those who don't make enough for public housing and need section 8. The wait list to *that* is closed. They are no longer accepting applications. I believe after February, public housing won't be accepting them, either. So many people homeless; so many broke people. By the way, if you think you can get public housing just like that, you can't. It's a ridiculous amount of red-tape. Also, you *have* to have a job to qualify. Disabled persons, however, get first pick, as it isn't their fault they can't work. I have to print out a good amount of documentation for them to have by the 23rd. I also lost my SS card, so I need to go find that, or at least replace it.

Many errands to run tomorrow. I have an OB appointment as well. My body aches and I'm about to do my full moon ritual. I think I'll go to bed early.

Suck It Up, Buttercup

Currently sitting in a team meeting via ustream broadcast. It's a bit frustrating having to watch it online, but considering I am in Texas and this is happening live in Ohio, I have to suck it up, or go to Ohio for a weekend every month. Granted, I wouldn't mind visiting my sponsor, Danita, because she is fabulous, but I AM POOR, damn it. People just need to realize that standing right in front of the laptop filming the meeting makes it very hard for those viewing online to see a damn thing. Also, that not having the camera facing the people who are talking makes it difficult to hear what they are saying, unless they are like me and naturally loud. :) Granted, I get it. The room is small and crowded...BUT STILL. :D
We headed to Joe's yesterday. Lauren and Joey took us out to the park for a picnic. It was really nice. Minus the allergies (allergic to the high pollen count of cedar and plane here in TX as well as Joe's 3 cats), I enjoyed myself. I think we had a good time. I know the girls did. We watched Kung Fu Panda 2 as well as the first half of Hot Fuzz. We had to leave before the movie was over to head back home. Then we got lost, which just frustrated the hell out of J and me, so we were not happy campers when we got home. A lot of angriness at night, but they day seemed fun. :)

I am so tired. These allergies are kicking my ass. I hurt, a lot. Dorian keeps tugging at my scar with his big ol' head, and the pain is making nauseous. I feel like I do when I'm on my period. I hate it, but again, something I just have to suck up.

I need a nap. SO much to do tomorrow. We get to see the public housing authority tomorrow!! *fingers crossed*

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

Yesterday: J dropped off the girls at his dad's house so that they could spend the day with their Abuela Gin. This gave us the opportunity to get some things done without having the girls up our butts every 5 seconds, or fighting, or screaming, or, you know, just being them. I stayed at my sister's and helped clean the house, organizing my neice's and nephew's rooms, which are the rooms we have been staying in. I was pretty proud of my handy work. I also swept up as much as possible.

J went to his mother's to try and organize what he could and take our things into storage. First he cleared a way in the storage, and then headed to his mom's to bring stuff in. During this time both Steve and Debbie came home and blocked J in, demanding the house key and proceeded to call the cops. The officer showed up, told them to move the vehicles, and let them know that everything we have been telling them since this started was correct. We technically still live ther as we were never served with a judged-approved eviction notice. Also, Steve didn't sign the contractual lease agreement back in August, so he does not have anything to do with this. If Debbie wants to get in touch with us, she has to do it herself. She tried to argue that we changed our number, but J pointed out that she has our e-mail addresses and that *she* was the one who blocked all communication. He saved the text message that stated we should not contact her.

I wish I could have been there, just to see the look on their faces when the cop told them they were wrong and we were in the clear. Apparently, they had tried to intimidate J, talking mess, especially Steve. This shut them up real quick, though. They had nothing to say after that. When J went back to make sure he had all of our things in the garage, Debbie had emotionally sobered up enough to be nice and told J that he could take the playhouse and slide from the backyard for the girls if he wanted. He refused. He's not taking anything from her house that we didn't pay for so she can't say we were stealing her shit. Apparently, the reason why she wanted the house key so badly was because she believed J would take her things with him. Spiteful is as spiteful does. I'm sure she thought "if I would do it, so will he."

He brought over our important papers as well as my business supplies, which made me super happy. I had received my business cards in the mail and kept playing with them, so now I feel complete. I am patiently waiting for the new catalogs...

Today: While it was nice to wake up to nice, clean rooms, unfortunately, I over did it yesterday and hurt myself. I woke up in excrutiating pain this morning, and have been in tears on and off all day. J was in the same amount of pain. We had to suck it up, though.

Lily had her yearly check up, where we found out she's hard of hearing and her left eye can't see well, but that, at least, he legs are easily manageable and WILL grow out of the pidgeon-toes if we continue to stretch the muscles in her hips. I made appointments for next week.

J finished up getting all of our things out of his mother's garage and into the storage unit. He Tetris'd the fuck out of that thing. It's about the size of a one-car garage and he filled it top to bottom, front to back. It is RIDICULOUS how much shit he fit in there, not to mention it was EVERYTHING we owned. I convinced him that we should stop by his mother's on Monday to have a look-over to make sure we didn't leave anything behind after our public housing appointment.

Tomorrow: The girls don't know it yet, but we are headed over to go visit their Uncle Joey for the day. I know how much they love being with him. I told them Daddy had a surprise for them and they are just aching to find out what it is. LOL. Silly girls.

Other than that, nothing else planned. I'm doing my devotional for about a half hour tomorrow, have a team meeting Sunday afternoon, and shit doesn't get real again until Monday. I can't wait until things wind down. I just want to be able to breathe again.

Goals for 2012

I am in a lot of pain, which makes me angry. Unfortunately, I can't get angry at anyone because I'm sleep deprived due to the amount of pain I had been in last night that kept me up until 5 in the morning and woke me every hour after that. *sigh*
So I realized this morning that I never really elaborated on the things I wanted tp accomplish this year. I did mention my spirituality, once, and then forgot to mention the rest. So here it goes...

1. Get in touch with spirituality: This is something that I have been meaning to do for quite some time. It's been hard, being pregnant, homeschooling 3 kids in different levels at the same time, and all the stresses we've endured in the past 2 years, but I think I can get the hang of this if I focus. This entails my daily spiritual training (which I won't be able to get back into until I get my books and supplies out of storage), weekly devotionals (sort of like praise and worship at Church, except, you know, not about Jesus), monthly moon rituals (full moons, specifically), and remembering to celebrate *all* 8 major Sabats in my religion (even if it's just a little prayer and a tiny candle).
2. Succeed with business: As you already know, I'm a Pure Romance consultant (http://yvonneames.pureromance.com) but have been doing a crappy job at it since I started back in July. I can only blame myself for this, but for justifiable reasons. Trying to figure out where the life of your family is headed as well as trying to not feel so much like the plague from pregnancy can really damper your spirits and effect the way you run a business. So far, the month of January is looking spectacular. I am very excited. My dad sent some Christmas money that I have been using to get a few things to really get my business off the ground, that and last night's product launch had me super jazzed that I ended up booking 3 parties shortly afterwards.
3. Pay off debts: If I can be serious about my business, I'm hoping to make enough money this year to pay off as much of my debts as I possibly can. I still owe money to the trash company I used back in Iowa. *facepalm* Along with medical bills I was unable to pay in Nebraska, I owe my school 2k from my failed courses, and have to pay back VA an extra $640 for dropping out of school early. I'm sure I owe somebody else money, but right now can't think of anyone else. With this accomplished I'll be able to open new doors that will help my family, like, you know, not being homeless and worrying where we're going to be living in the next month.
4. Go back to school: until I pay what I owe, I can't get back into school. So paying off the debt is the first thing I have to do before I can accomplish this goal. I *really* do want to finish my degree (I have 2 years under my belt, so I'd be done with my BA in History and English in no time) and think it would be beneficial for me in teaching my children.
5. Daily journal entries: If you haven't already noticed, I've tried to write every day since the new year started. This is something that I've wanted to do for quite some time and hope to continue in the future. With all that is going on, I want to document as much as I can. This is also a great stress-reliever for me. When I write about my problems, they don't seem as large as they do in my head. I can really get things into perspective if I set it all down on (figuratively) paper first, and analyze it from a different point of view. If I vent on a daily basis, maybe I can stop being such an ass sometimes and really think about how ridiculous some of my problems are so I can stop making such a big deal out of them
6. Lose 20 lbs: This is last on the list for the obvious reason that I am still pregnant. After the pregnancy, I'll be placed on minimal activity for two months so that I can heal from my cesearean. I'll pretty much still be out of comission well into April. However, I don't ever want to get as big as I did ever again. I felt like crap every day because I was so out of shape. My health was just shit. Currently, at 8.5 months pregnant, I am 147 lbs. Exactly one year ago, at not pregnant at all, I was at 147 lbs! So yes, during this pregnancy I have "lost" weight. This had a lot to do with the fact that I take careful note of what I eat, more now because I have gestational diabetes this time around. I hope to continue to eat right as well as get back to going to the gym three times a week. Last year, for the first six months of 2011, I was training hard to join the military. I had lost very little weight then, but had gained muscle and a lot of stamina. I felt GREAT and I miss it. If I hadn't been put on bed rest and didn't hurt so goddamn much, I probably would have kept at it. For now though, I'll stick to walking with Dorian and the girls on a regular basis, and come April, challenge the husband at some athletic feat that will take some training to do. (He wants to get in shape to; it works out since he graduates in March.)

So, as you can see, not a lot of things planned for 2012, but they will take the whole year to accomplish. It's a nice list of long-term goals that I hope to start on the right track this year as well as continue them for the following years. They are practical and things that I believe will benefit my life. Along with these reasonable goals, I have my ridiculous ones as well. Two come to mind: A. see how long I can grow my hair out before I get fed up and cut it, and B. see how long I can grow my nails before caving and chewing them off. I know it sounds silly, but I like to do these. In 2006 I decided to see how long I could last without dying my hair. Six years later, and this is still my natural color, greys (they're sparkles!) and all.

Pure Romance and Things That Make Me Smile

So this evening, Pure Romance launched our new products for spring. OH MY GOODNESS IT IS SO AWESOME. They introduced a new product line called The Diamond Collection. It's made of supreme silicone, which makes it smooth and non-porous, which makes it hypoallergenic. Not only that, but they are all RECHARGABLE. I wish I had the money to buy it all just so I could play with it. However, I'm just going to have to suck it up and wait for the parties, catalog parties, and conference calls. *squee* I ordered a bunch of new order forms, catalogs, and shiny new business cards. I'M ON THIS.

J bought me a few of my (edible) favorite things. I currently had a ham and cheese hot pocket and have been drinking lemonade/tea. We didn't know Lipton had the half & halfs, so he bought a 12 pack of them last night. I think I've already drank half of the pack. :D

I am in a lot of pain. I accidently scare my sister because I started screaming and swearing before bursting into tears. She was rubbing my abdomen and was slightly grossed out. Since I'm not longer pudgy, all I have is stretched out skin and a baby in there somewhere. She could feel all the lumps and curves that were my son's limbs, made more prominent due to the fact that I was in the middle of some serious Braxton Hick's contractions. I just have to remember I have almost exactly 5 weeks left of this. He's almost here...

Way To Go.

Wow. Just....wow.So J got a text message from his youngest brother Joe about how their mom is getting an attorney because in the past two weeks we have not made any contact with her.

First off, she blocked both J and myself from her Facebook profile. Second, she sent J a text message (which he has saved) to make no attempts in contacting her and that all correspondence must be done through Steve (her boyfriend.) My brother also received a note from Steve on Facebook about this (also saved.) Last, Steve has me friended on Facebook. If there were any issues that needed to be brought to our attention, he could have easily sent me a message.

J is in complete awe. He figured that after two weeks after being kicked out his mother would have sobered up by now and realized how ridiculous all of her allegations sounded. My comment was that she is probably still spending most of her evenings drunk, and that Steve is an enabler, to which he agreed I had a point. He still angry though. This has caused our family much unnecessary stress.

Another thing, she can get an attorney all she wants, but they will tell her that we need a judge-approved eviction notice due to the fact that we had a contractual agreement (which we have a copy of.) J has already told her this. We have yet to receive one. I was hoping we could all get this done and over with, but apparently this is going to end up a legal battle. We already spoke to KPD; they already assured us that we are in the clear, but still. This is beyond ridiculous at this point. And even if we didn't need the eviction notice, we have until 5pm January 18th to get all of our things out. That will be exactly 30 days since our "eviction." We still have fifteen days according to my calendar.

It sucks though. We have absolutely no room in the storage unit due to the fact that we had believed we would permanently move in eventually; you know, like we were told. And since J ended up giving his mother every penny we had left as rent money, we can no longer afford to even upgrade the unit. So while I'm staying as calm as possible, I can seriously understand why J is so angry.

As for the girls dealing with this situation, Lily has been the hardest in coping. She has been lashing out and angry and is still having nightmares about her grandmother. It's been a complete rollercoaster of emotions with that girl, I'm almost to my wit's end. She has her good days, but on her bad days... She told me last week that she had dreamt that "Dorian was born and then Grandma took him and killed the baby." I was heartbroken and had to sit with her and tell her that everything was ok, that J and I would be taking good care of Dorian and that Grandma could no longer hurt us. She then asked why her grandmother had been so mean to us and J tried to explain it the best way he could. Lily came up with the conclusion, "So, Grandma is just throwing a big tantrum because she didn't get her way." We figured that was the best explanation a 6 year old could come up with and asked her that if she still had bed dreams to please find an adult to remind her that we love her and that everything was ok. I asked her what she was going to do with the nightmares. "I'm going to ask God to blow them away." I initially thought she meant that God would use a strong wind to be rid of them. Knowing Lily, she wants to nuke them. Iris, thankfully, has taken all of this in stride. Being the mellowest of the three, she is the best at coping. She is no longer wetting the bed, her fits are minimal, and there have been no bad dreams. Rose, however, is a lot like Lily. There has been a lot of rage, and a lot of screaming and crying when she sleeps. We are just taking on day at a time with them. It's hard, but we have to move on and put the past where it belongs.

On a good note, my doctor says I am looking much healthier. I have a little over a month before Dorian gets here.

2012 & Things Needed if We Get Our Own Place

These past two days have been busy ones. We spent the entire day yesterday spending time with my dad-in-law and my stepmom-in-law. The girls had a great time, and they offered to babysit them any time we needed it. I don't know when I'll take them up on that offer, but it's very much noted in the back of my mind. If J gets a job any time soon, and I have weekly appointments for the next month until Dorian arrives, I know the girls will need someone who can give them an entire day of attention on those days when J's and my obligations overlap. And then, of course, the day I have Dorian, someone needs to be with them overnight. (Deena stayed with Lily when I had Iris; Meg stayed with Lily and Iris when I had Rose.)

****
Today was spent running errands. I had packages of products that needed to be mailed, and my sister's prescription to be filled. I was going to head to the bank and make a money order to send to our old DPT for duplicate titles on our vehicles, but the bank was busy. Somehow, I was also riding on an empty gas tank for a while. Tomorrow, more errands. I have an appointment with my OBGYN in the afternoon and the rest of my products are coming in that day. I have a transaction to make with a customer, and doctor and dentist appointments to make for the children.

****
I don't make New Year Resolutions. One thing I do like to do is set goals every few months and reflect on their progress. I'd like to start being more spiritual, so while I won't be practicing on a weekly basis or anything, I do want to hold a ritual every month on the full moon. Being a mom (and currently a very full moon :D ), this means a lot to me. I want to pay my respects to my mother goddess. I'd also like to get back to celebrating the Sabats as often as possible instead of whenever it's convenient. It's going to take some scheduling on my part, but if I focus on doing these in the evening, I think I can make it work.

****
As much as I appreciate what my family has done for me in giving me a place to stay and taking care of us in this time of need. I really hope we can have our own place soon. My mom is trying get HUD to give me an earlier appointment, but I'm fine waiting until the 9th. It occurred to me, though, that if they do have something available for us, we got rid of a lot of things so we could move and have very little left.

We have all of our furniture, so we have places to sit and sleep, etc. We kept our bathroom things, and if my monster-in-law didn't throw it out, we'll be covered for that. However, we have almost nothing for the kitchen (we have most of the appliances). I've compiled a list for things we will need if and when we get our own place.

• pots & pans
• cooking utensils
• oven mitts
• plates
• cups
• mugs
• silverware
• dish soap
• dish sponge
• all-purpose cleaner
• cleaning rags
• (microwave) **only if apt is not equipped with one
• paper towels
• trash can
• trash bags
• toilet paper
• toilet brush
• toilet cleaner
• dresser (to replace mine, that broke)
• cubby-style toy organizer with drawers (to replace the large plastic tubs that take up too much room)

So far, this is all the stuff I know we will need. Some I can acquire easily, and for cheap, at the dollar stores. Others, I'm quite sure we can find second-hand somewhere.

I'm really hoping that HUD has something available for us within the next couple of months. Like I said, I appreciate all that my family has done, but we really need our own place. We are slowly getting back to where we were, but it's still difficult when you have to be careful of how it will affect the others you live with, which is frustrating if the dynamics clash.

Here's hoping for a prosperous new year. *fingers crossed*

Done

I hate it when people think they can undermine my parental authority because I am "young and ignorant." Just because you are older and also have kids doesn't mean you have any idea what you are doing. Raise your own damn kids and leave me to mine. Don't give me shit about parenting classes. We've been part of the system for over 6 years and received monthly as well as bi-yearly evaluations. I know what I'm doing.
I hate being told I'm being an asshole to my children when a week later of having my children around, you, too, are being a dick.

I am so fucking tired of everyone thinking I have no grip on what is going on in my family or in our situation just because I'm 25 damn years old. I'm a good fucking parent whether anyone agrees with it or not. I know I am. We were told so by SOCIAL SERVICES as well as by a BEHAVIORAL THERAPIST that I am doing great by my kids. We.know.what.we.are.doing. Sure, it's hard, and we'll slip up, but we move one and try and do better next time. That's all we really can do. I'm just so fucking tired of everyone putting in their two cents without my asking. If I didn't ask for your opinion, I don't want to hear it. The end.

I am so emotionally tired. I am just so fucking done. People act like we are not fucking trying. It's winter break. NOBODY IN H.R. ANYWHERE IS AVAILABLE UNTIL THE 2nd!!! I am tired of everyone trying to shove us into this little cookie cutter that we don't fucking fit in. Trust me. We tried it, and our marriage bombed in the process with me pregnant and alone at my mother's, and J with a criminal record broke and living with friends.

I hate hate HATE the fact that I have to depend on others to survive. I pray that they have something for us in public housing. I can't fucking do this anymore. I am constantly being judged and criticized. Our entire family dynamic is fucked because everyone feels they have a say. I fucking give up.

Is It 2012 Yet?

The past few months haven't been as great as I had hoped. I'm still very much pregnant, but I'm also homeless. We're staying with my sister for now until we can figure something out.
My mother-in-law has cut off all communication with us. She deleted and blocked both J and I off her Facebook as well as my brother and sister. She believes that we are entitled and spoiled brats (even though we were paying her $500 monthly to help out) and the fact that I teach my children to question everything, learn about other's beliefs, and be open-minded, well-rounded children is just unacceptable. She wants us to be a cookie-cutter kind of family (kids in public school, J and I a "9 to 5" couple, etc.) but that's just not going to happen. J and I tried that---we HATED IT. It's just not how we function. It's not something we enjoyed, we were miserable and realized we work and function better as a family without it. Regardless, the fact that she hates everything about me and blames me for all of her problems caused us to be kicked out from what was supposed to be our home. Truthfully, I think it was all about money. As soon as we told her we ran out and couldn't pay her anymore, it escalated to this. She even cut herself off from her grandchildren, which I think is just sad, pathetic, and fucked up. I have never known someone to be so hateful.

The ridiculosity of this month has been stressful, but thankfully that mess is over. Now our biggest obstacle is finding a permanent home. We have an appointment with social services for government-sponsered housing on January 9. The wait-list for section 8 is 2 years right now, so we are trying to public housing I hope the wait-list, which is rumored to become 3 years, is just a rumor. We really need this.

I feel so deflated. I am so tired, but for once, my depression isn't all in my head, it's legitimate. My doctor has offered to give me something, but I won't see him until the 3rd. I wish I could lay in bed all day and do nothing, just sleep. If I didn't have any kids, maybe this would be easier, but I just feel terrible know they were in that situation and are now in this situation. I feel like a terrible parent having to put them through this. Granted, they are strong and smart girls. Lily and Iris have both understood everything that is going on, (Lily being pissed and wanting nothing to do with her grandmother; Iris telling me that "Grandma is dead" to her) but I feel like I've done something wrong. I know the girls are doing better; no more tantrums, no more bed-wetting, nightmares, or skin rashes. Even my own rashes have disappeared. I just have that nagging feeling like I forgot to do something.

We still have a ton of stuff to get out of my mother-in-law's house. She took all of our things and shoved it into her garage. If she broke anything, so Lord help me... she wasn't even supposed to touch our things, according to law. It doesn't matter now, though. J will be getting the storage in some sort of order to put our things in there again, I just hope there is room. It took us 4 months to get the stuff we had out; we only have 30 days (as of the 19th, when we were "evicted," as she puts it) to put it back in. It's time consuming, and I can't do anything to help. *sigh* I just want this to all be done already. I just want to only worry about the fact that I have 6 weeks left of this pregnancy. I just want a seriously long nap.

Oh, November

Finally started on my novel for National Novel Writing Month. Yeah, that's right. Ten more days until the end of the month and I am NOW just starting. Most people are at about 33k right now if they are keeping the steady pace of about 1.7k per day. In the past three hours of writing nonstop, I've made it to a little over 6k. I'd have to write an average of about 3.8k a day to actually win this year. I WANT to win this year. 6 years of this and not one win.

Personally, I think my novel is crap. I'll post it at the end of the month. Speaking of the end of the month, I need to make $100 retail for my Pure Romance business for me to stay active. I have tried everything, and still nothing. I don't know what else to do. I'm so effing tired. My boobs also hurt. Stupid pregnancy.

I'm so tired. I haven't slept well in almost a month.

Getting prepped and geared for NaNoWriMo this year. With no job, no school, and only my kids taking up my time, I actually have a lot of empty "me" time this year. Let's see how much I can get done next month. I have only a slight idea of what I am going to write about, hopefully as time progresses, I'll have more.
I have been in excrutiating pain. I have barely left the house. I am horribly depressed. I have made little progress in my Pure Romance business. To be honest, I'm highly dissappointed by the lack of support I have recieved from friends. It was a serious blow for me. I don't ask that they buy anything, I just want them to spread the word and support me, just like I would do for them and the only response I seem to get is "Oh, awkward." I just don't understand it. I really, really don't.

I'm pretty low these days. Lack of finance, unstable future, and this constant feeling that the bottom half of my body is trying to detach itself from the top half has me feeling exhausted. Other than occupying myself with NaNo next month, I don't know what else to do.

As If Life Doesn't Suck Enough

1. We have officially been in Texas now for about 3 weeks now. Got here the 2nd of August. It's a relief that I don't have to deal with BILLS so much now.
2. I'm struggling...HARD...at school. I'm calling my academic advisor today and dropping from school. We are shit poor anyway. It's not like we "need" the money anymore; we have nothing to save.
3. My mother and I are not speaking. She blew up and disrespected me about two weeks ago over my sexuality and choice of religion. To be honest, not having her in my life has been a relief. I'm happier being able to comfortably be me without having to tip-toe around subjects that may upset her. I refuse to speak to her until she apologizes for the way she treated me. She has deleted me off of her FaceBook (LOL) as well as from her cell's contact list. She told my sister (throw a slew of mood swings) that I was not allowed at her house. *She* chose to 'disown' me. However, she recently told my sister that I am hiding from her,  *snort* you know, since I live A BLOCK AWAY FROM HER DAMN HOUSE. I honestly believe that woman needs mental evaluation for Alzheimer's. Her memory is absolutely warped and she is horribly delusional. In all honesty, though, I am truly done with her. I have never, in my 25 years, felt so INSULTED as I did the day my mom called me, yelled at me, and then told me, verbatum, to go to hell. All I had told her, and very calmly at that, was that I was hanging up because I had refused to be treated like that. This coming from a PASTOR. She is a bigot, a hypocrite, and a fraud. I. AM. DONE.
4. I am in excrutiating pain. All of my children ended up being c-sections so my uterus isn't happy with this 4th pregnancy. The scar tissue on my uterus is stretching and ZOMG it HURTS. Guess what can be done? Not a damn thing. My OBGYN told me yesterday that my *entire* pregnancy is going to be this painful. As if life doesn't suck enough.
5. I have been horribly depressed, and I know it has to do with the hormones of this pregnancy. Either way, I don't want to be here.