As the last day of the 2012 year, I am left reflection upon the last 365 days, today being the 366th. There has been a lot of pain, frustration, and confusion this past year, and I'm hoping to not have this much on my shoulders this upcoming year. I look through old entries in my journals, old and new, dusty hardbacks, paperbacks, and those typed up on the computer, and find myself seeing so many failures and disappointments. I feel like I have written books full of all of my mistakes and haven't truly learned from them. This coming year, I hope to change all that. I hope to be able to do what I want and need to do to be a better person.
I'm not setting goals this coming year, other than getting the damn apartment unpacked. I don't want a list of things I want to do, just to look back at it later and feel the disappointment of failing at life. I will be making life changes, though, and I don't really see them as goals.
1. I will stop complaining, because harping on bad things all the time will not help on focusing on the good bits.
2. I will stop avoiding my problems. Ignoring them doesn't mean they are not there. I need to grow a vagina and face it. Vaginae, the proper plural for vagina, take a lot, stretch out to deal with it, and then get back in shape to where they were as if nothing happened. Vaginae are resilient.
3. I will stop comparing myself to others. I am no better than anyone else, and no one else is better than me. We are all equal, just in different areas of life. Coveting the lifestyle of someone else isn't helping any, I need to get it done myself and stop wishing.
4. I will stop worrying about things that haven't happened yet, that's just going to stress me out. I need to live life one day at a time, and deal with the issues at hand which are more important.
5. I will not let my problems overwhelm me. I will deal with what I can handle, if it it proves too much, I will ask for help, even if it embarrasses the shit out of me to do so.
6. I will do things that I love, and often, like reading and writing, crowding all four children in the bed with me for snuggles, making a pillow fort, or watching a movie with the husband, even if I have to drag him away from his computer.
7. I will not keep relationships that no longer serve me in a positive way. I may love someone, and care for them deeply, but if they are sucking the happiness out of me, constantly bringing drama into my life, I need to cut them out. I have enough problems to deal with than having to deal with the childish behavior of others.
8. I will not try change others. That is something the other person has to be willing to do. I need to work on me first.
9. I will stop try to please others. Not everyone is going to be happy with my life choices. That is their problem and not mine. I need to please myself, and the ones whose life I hold in my hands.
10. And lastly, because I know this will be one of the hardest, I will not emotionally tie myself to goals, people, or things. It will lead to disappointment and lack of lesson learning. This covers much of what I have already outlined and explains the beginning of this entry. Attaching myself emotionally will cause more stress and hinder progress.
I intend to grow this upcoming year. No, I WILL grow.