End of 2012

As the last day of the 2012 year, I am left reflection upon the last 365 days, today being the 366th. There has been a lot of pain, frustration, and confusion this past year, and I'm hoping to not have this much on my shoulders this upcoming year. I look through old entries in my journals, old and new, dusty hardbacks, paperbacks, and those typed up on the computer, and find myself seeing so many failures and disappointments. I feel like I have written books full of all of my mistakes and haven't truly learned from them. This coming year, I hope to change all that. I hope to be able to do what I want and need to do to be a better person.

I'm not setting goals this coming year, other than getting the damn apartment unpacked. I don't want a list of things I want to do, just to look back at it later and feel the disappointment of failing at life. I will be making life changes, though, and I don't really see them as goals.

1. I will stop complaining, because harping on bad things all the time will not help on focusing on the good bits.
2. I will stop avoiding my problems. Ignoring them doesn't mean they are not there. I need to grow a vagina and face it. Vaginae, the proper plural for vagina, take a lot, stretch out to deal with it, and then get back in shape to where they were as if nothing happened. Vaginae are resilient.
3. I will stop comparing myself to others. I am no better than anyone else, and no one else is better than me. We are all equal, just in different areas of life. Coveting the lifestyle of someone else isn't helping any, I need to get it done myself and stop wishing.
4. I will stop worrying about things that haven't happened yet, that's just going to stress me out. I need to live life one day at a time, and deal with the issues at hand which are more important.
5. I will not let my problems overwhelm me. I will deal with what I can handle, if it it proves too much, I will ask for help, even if it embarrasses the shit out of me to do so.
6. I will do things that I love, and often, like reading and writing, crowding all four children in the bed with me for snuggles, making a pillow fort, or watching a movie with the husband, even if I have to drag him away from his computer.
7. I will not keep relationships that no longer serve me in a positive way. I may love someone, and care for them deeply, but if they are sucking the happiness out of me, constantly bringing drama into my life, I need to cut them out. I have enough problems to deal with than having to deal with the childish behavior of others.
8. I will not try change others. That is something the other person has to be willing to do. I need to work on me first.
9. I will stop try to please others. Not everyone is going to be happy with my life choices. That is their problem and not mine. I need to please myself, and the ones whose life I hold in my hands.
10. And lastly, because I know this will be one of the hardest, I will not emotionally tie myself to goals, people, or things. It will lead to disappointment and lack of lesson learning. This covers much of what I have already outlined and explains the beginning of this entry. Attaching myself emotionally will cause more stress and hinder progress.

I intend to grow this upcoming year. No, I WILL grow.

Still Standing.

I am alive. I'm still here. Just have a lot going on right now.
I have really good days, and really bad ones. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.
Just taking one day at a time.
On day at a time.

<3 p="p">

FAT

I am 40lbs overweight.
At 5'1, I am 155 lbs. I'm a thick girl, bottom heavy, and busty, but this is too much weight. When I met my husband I was 95lbs. When we got married I was 110. After birthing 4 of his children, I am not 155 lbs! That is MORE than I was when I was 9 months along with any of the kids! This needs to stop...now!

Starting tomorrow: portion control. I've already been exercising, doing yoga to deal with my stress. J got me p90x and Insanity, so going to be doing those starting tomorrow after chores. This weight NEEDS to come off, like yesterday.

The problem I'm having is that I have been binging like crazy. I binge when stressed. I've been managing well the past couple of week since doing yoga, but I still can't believe how big I've gotten. I may have to do a fast. I'm going to have to ask my mom how she does it, since she fasts all the time without getting sick.

Fingers crossed I get all this crap off my bones!

Let it Rain over Me

This separation from my family is killing me. I hate not being able to be at home. Today will mark one month since CPS opened their case. We have yet to move foward because things didn't get processed the way they should have. Because of someone else's mistake, my family continues to suffer over this. I hate having to sit down with my daughters every time they ask me when I can come home and have to tell them, not yet.

 I applied for SSI. I had my appointment today. Hopefully I get this. I also found an apartment in Austin for a reasonable price that we could move into. I'm hoping that our deed-in-lieu doesn't disqualify us, or the fact that we've only been in these apartments for the past three months. Fingers crossed.

I feel like I'm losing my mind all over again.

Clarity

While things kind of suck right now, since getting my diagnosis, my life makes so much sense now!

You Are Exceptional

Life feels so dreary these days. My little rays of sunshine are away in Austin with their uncle, and as much as I would love to be with them, that privilege has been stripped away from me. This whole CPS case is leaving me feeling more depressed than I was three weeks ago in the psychiatric unit. The kids are taken to their uncle’s at 6 in the morning. While I can go with them, I’ve been staying at my mother’s which is a good 20-minute drive away from my apartment. Even if I stay at my sister’s (who lives, at most, a 10-minute drive away) I don’t have the proper transportation to get me back to my apartment at 5 AM and then back to my sister’s at 10 PM. It’s a waste of resources we just don’t have right now. It makes my heart hurt knowing I can’t be left alone with my children. Yes, I know why this situation has been set in place. I know I wasn’t safe to be around due to the fact that my schizophrenia hit it’s peak, but I’m tired of being treated like a bomb that can blow at any moment. I’m getting tired of having to have someone with me at all times just so I can be with my children. I abhor the fact that I’m in this situation. I’ve taken damn good care of those children, my flesh and blood, for almost seven years now without prior incident. I lose my mind, and seek help, knowing that I could be a danger to my children, and get punished for it! I wish I could go back to the hospital and smack the stupid social worker who started this mess, who has never suffered from a mental illness in her life. If I was truly going to hurt my children, wouldn’t I have done it by now?! The thought of all this gives me headaches. I detest the feeling I get when I wake up in the morning, in my mother’s guest bedroom, surrounded by no one. I don’t wake up to a baby talking and squealing. I don’t get to tell toddlers to stop opening my door. I don’t get woken up by kisses. I’m alone in a king-sized bed with no one to share it with. I’m not allowed overnight stays at my own apartment if my children are there. I’m wondering if I should have stayed at the psychiatric unit. It’s not much different from what I do here. At least there I had people to talk to, activities planned to take up time during the day. At least there I wasn’t so alone. I could legitimately miss my kids and my husband because they were 160 or so miles away. This void feels superficial. My children are in the same town as I am and I can’t even be with them. I’m trying to stay positive. I understand why the social worker called CPS. I understand why CPS is taking the measures it needs to. I understand, but just because I understand doesn’t mean I like it. Just because I understand doesn’t mean I think this entire situation is ridiculous and a taint to my good name. It’s hard to stay positive when I’m not allowed to be alone with my kids in our own home. I feel drained. The medicines I’m on work. I’m finally better and I can’t even enjoy it. I finally get a vacation away from the children and I don’t want it. It was forced upon me. I’m still depressed, but no amount of medicine could make me feel better right now. Every time I have to say good bye to the children at night makes the rest of that night disagreeable to the nth degree. A whole month left of this preposterous case. I hope I can make it. My psyche has been through enough; I don’t want to end up where I started.

Schizoaffective

Finally broke. Ended up in the psych ward for two weeks. I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. It's a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar mood disorder. Things from my past are finally making sense. All of my hallucinations and delusions now have a cause. I'm in the middle of a CPS case now. It's no fun, but I'm trying to stay positive. It's hard. I miss my kids. It makes me wonder if I should have just stayed at the psych ward. I published my journal from my two-week stay at the hospital. www.cracked-schizo.blogspot.com That is all.

...

I'm falling apart. that is all.

YAY

It's raining; BAD. So I'm sitting in the back porch, chilling in the darkness, because the power went out at around 745p and it's cooler out here than inside. Regardless of the shitty weather, though, today was a very good & eventful day. After the girls did some assessment testing, we ate lunch & spent the day at the park with Kesia and her daughter. We were there about a good two hours when it started to look like rain, so we headed back to my mom's & the girls played, watched Adventure Time & then had dinner. While at the park, I recieved a phone call from housing letting us know that our apartment is ready! We sign the lease first thing tomorrow morning. Woo hoo! J has another interview Thursday at 1p. Fingers are still crossed. Things are slowly falling into place & it feels so good.

This message has been sent using the picture and Video service from Verizon Wireless!

To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.

Note: To play video messages sent to email, Quicktime@ 6.5 or higher is required.

Power Month

It's finally May. May is the month for me. I believe it's so. I picture it and believe it is the month that will tip the balance. Everything has been at a standstill for months, but I pray this month is the one that will make things happen.

It's been two weeks since Luis Nuñez died. I went through old journal entries, finding his name in the pages, remembering how life was. I've been in reflection since. If I died tomorrow, I want my family to be able to say I did something with my life, for my life...

We were finally approved for public housing. Well, we've been approved since February, but now we are off the wait list. At the end of the month we should be moving into our new apartment. It works out perfectly. We had been staying with Gin and Doug in Cove, but their lease is up come June 1. We have a few things to pack from there that belong to us, but we will be helping them move to OK as well.

At first I panicked. Public housing rent is based on income. The monthly rent is 30% of your annual income, divided by twelve. Then, of course, there is the electric and water bills, not to mention the fact that we need internet access for our schooling. While J is working for my brother, the jobs are sporadic, the income unsteady. We need something that we know will keep us in the clear and where we will be able to keep paying our bills, no matter how small they are.  J has a job interview on Friday morning with Scott & White hospital for an IT position. Fingers, toes, and all extremities are crossed. We need this. They are very impressed with his resumé; I hope it gets him hired ASAP. Things seem like they are getting better. I hope this continues.

We are finishing up lessons with the kids, starting our end-of-year reviews and tests. The girls have been doing well so far. I hope they continue to stay focused. It becomes tedious sometimes, but they're bright kids, the sometimes just need blinders on. As for our own schooling, J just started his last two classes yesterday. Once he is done with these two, he finally graduates and gets that damned degree in his hand. He will no longer need to bust his ass doing homework (though, knowing him, he'll continue to study.) I hope this really helps him advance in his career. I'm in my third week of my second attemt at Eng125. So far not-so good. I am currently failing because I forgot to turn in my week 1 paper even though I did all of my discussion posts. HOWEVER, I did all of my discussion posts for this week AND remembered to turn in the weekly paper, so I'm hoping to bump up my grade back to a C or higher. I'm working hard. I need to focus and continue to do well in school. I CANNOT FUCK THIS UP AGAIN. Seriously.

I'm anxious. My panic attacks have been becoming more frequent and ridiculous and I hate feeling like this. My heart races, my hands shake, and I feel like vomiting. It doesn't help that my anemia is in full swing, and that I'm having "girl" issues. DISCLAIMER: TMI MOMENT; SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH NOW: I have been menstruating for the past two weeks. I know I stopped breastfeeding a month ago and have had my tubes tied, but I still don't think hemorrhaging from my snatch for two weeks straight is normal. I see the OBGYN on Thursday to make sure there are no complications.

Things are stressful, but progressing, and there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Granted, I knew there was always one, but it got pretty dark in that tunnel and very long, so it was hard to tell where in the tunnel we were. I'm glad that we are finally reaching the end of this journey so we can finally move the fuck on. I'M TIRED. I'm so excited, though. I just want all this to be done with so I can finally relax.

Things That Make My World Go 'Round

On Wednesday, April 4th, J began his work under contract with my brother. My brother recently started his own little company, and they do contract work with remodeling, repair, yard work, et cetera. J worked nonstop from Wednesday morning at 8am, until Thursday afternoon at 3pm. He came home anywhere between 9pm and 11pm during the days inbetween. Needless to say he was exhausted. I was pretty bushed myself. Being mother to four very small, very needy children, not a small task. Rose was having a very hard time adjusting, missing her daddy who had been present every day for pretty much the past two years. Dorian, being only a couple of months old, is of course demanding. Thankfully, he's been off since Thursday afternoon and won't be back at work until tomorrow so the girls have spent as much time with him as possible if he wasnt a)catching up on sleep or b) catching up on his homework.

Yesterday, I took the husband! and the children to church for Easter. The kids had a great time, well, the girls did. I believe Dorian slept through most of it, and I was so tired I don't remember much either. We had a huge lunch afterwards and then came home to take a much needed nap.

My mother spoke to the housing development today. We've been on the waitlist since February and we wanted to know where we stood. As of today, we have anywhere between 60 to 80 days before we have out FOUR-bedroom apartment. Yay! We had been staying at my father-in-law's house for the past couple of months, but he left on Thursday to Oklahoma where he found a better job. The lease on the trailer goes up in June, so Gin text-messaged me today to let me know that the landlord would be coming soon to try and get someone else to rent the place by that time. We weren't supposed to be there, so this week I will be getting our stuff out of there and into my mom's house. We've been staying at my mother's since last week due to the fact that I didn't want J driving a good 20 to 30 extra minutes to get to work and then another 20 to 30 excrutiating minutes back home. This way, he only drove 10, if even that. My brother doesn't live far from my mom.

I'm anxious. I want to get my apartment already. With J finally working, we've been able to pay some old bills and save a little. We already have the $200 that we will need for the deposit on the apartment. Apparently they are new, from what my mom tells me, but I have yet to see them.

I'm planning on going back to school, but I have a lot of things to take care of first. I need to pay my school back 2k. I have 2k from VA that I didn't use, but it's technically not mine to use as I owe them that back. I'm thinking of using it, restarting my VA, and VA will pay itself back. I just need to find a scholarship of some kind on top of the Pell Grant I will be getting so that I can continue when my VA ends in June.

I feel super tired. So much to do, so little time, so little brain to do it with.

Interviewed

I had a job interview a couple of days ago at First National Bank Texas for a bilingual teller position. It's still in review (since Wednesday) and it's driving me nuts. I really NEED this job and I'm just praying we get it. With it, I can pay my in-laws back, and pay off my school debt. Then, when we get off the wait-list for public housing, I can easily pay the rent.

Unknowingly, J and I have been going to my mom's every Tuesday to do laundry. I've been spending a lot of time with her, which has been good. She finally found the source of all her pain. Apparently, when she had her car accident, she had internal injuries that became infected. The infection cleared itself out, and left a large mass of scar tissue that has been pressing against her organs and causing her excrutiating pain ever since. She has several surgeries set up for the future. One is to extract the three tumors in her colon. Another is to remove the tumor in a kidney. And the last one is to remove as much scar tissue from her side as possible.

In general, we're doing okay. Just waiting...

Things Are Slowly Looking Up.

1. Our application for public housing was approved. We are currently on the wait-list. We almost were rejected due to losing the house back in August, but due to the circumstances and the fact that we did a deed in liue instead of a forclusure, they waived that information and approved the application anyway. Currently, we are in the top spot for the 4-bedroom wait list. However, Lisa, the social worker, is trying to find an empty 3-bedroom to house us in until a 4-bedroom is available. While there are 2-bedrooms available, it is required by law that a family of five be housed in a 3-bedroom, and a family of 6 in a 4-bedroom. The only reason they can loophole that is because Dorian will be a newborn and I co-sleep for the first two years.

2. Mother reminded me that she has a friend who works in KISD. I'm hoping that she can help J out with work. We are in desperate need. He has searched evereywhere, and everywhere has rejected him. However, he still refuses to apply at minimum wage jobs, such as Subway or McDonald's. I'm a little pissed at this. Beggars can't be choosers, and right now, we are living off of family. The fact that minimum wage is beneath him is irritating. I know he has concerns about school and how minimum wage would keep us afloat, but at this point, we have NOTHING, so arguing that fact is pointless. However, I've already said my peace on the matter. I'm done and doing my own thing. I'm not worrying about his ass if he's not getting his shit together the way *I* think he should.

3. Five more days. I have a pre-op appointment first thing tomorrow morning and then at 7am on the 7th, this baby is coming out!

4. I'm tired and hate feeling like shit all the time.

...

Anniversary didn't go as planned. J had homework to do and I felt like shit so we stayed home instead and gave the gift card to the in-laws so they can use it when they want. We stayed up well past midnight, headed to Kesia's house aroung that time and hung out for a couple of hours. We currently have an inside joke of "teamwork" and the Wonder Pets' theme song.

I am in a bunch of pain today and I've been feeling worse. I've been nauseaous and woozy for most of the day. Gin made J and I get off the living room furniture and let us lay in her bed for a couple of hours. It made me more aware of everything that hurts. My back is killing me. I just want to be done with this already. I hate being in this much pain.

I don't know where I'm sticking the baby when he comes home. I'm sure that I'm not going to want to leave the comfort and ease of the hospital. I'll have my own bed, not a recliner, and the baby and I will be comfortable in a larger room. Not that I'm not grateful for being here. I just wish we had something that we could be comfortable in. There are no homeless shelters in Killeen, and even if their were, we would still have something to do during the day.

I am very very tired.
I can't handle life anymore.

Seven Years

So I didn't realize until 11pm last night that today is my wedding anniversary. How sad is that? We have had so much shit on our plate that I actually forgot our wedding anniversary.

I'm going to see if the in-laws are willing to watch the girls in the evening & J & I can use the girst card he got on his birthday for an anniversary dinner.

Here We Go Again

When it rains, it pours. *sigh*

Well, due to irreconcilable differences, my sister kicked my husband out of her house yesterday afternoon. Things had become hectic at her house due to the stress and she believes he is verbally abusive to me and our daughters. Considering I have been with this man for the past ten years and *know* when he is being abusive, my husband is just a dick, especially now when stress and tension is high. No one seems to believe me when I say I know my husband better than they do. *facepalm*

And yes, he has been a major dick to me and to the girls a lot lately. He realizes this; we talk every night, something no one else sees as we do it in private, but I apparently don't "see the problem" because I'm on the "inside". The way we raise our daughters is also an issue, yet when asked to call CPS if she truly believes we are neglegent in any way with our children, my sister told him to get out. She tried to emphasize to me that she wasn't kicking me or the girls out, but even Lily explained to my sister that we were leaving together. She can kick whomever she wishes out of her house, but I'm not keeping my husband away from his daughters.

Needless to say, I'm not going to just sit back and not stand behind my husband, so we all packed our things and are staying at his father's house. The girls and I are staying in their little 4yo cousin's room and my husband on the couch. We're cramped, but it will have to do. Rose and Iris think it's another fun sleep over. Lily, however, broke my stepmom-in-law's heart yesterday when she asked her if there was going to be any fighting here, too. Knowing how much this is damaging my children hurts so much. I wish I could make all this hurt and pain and insecurity go away.

My brother tried to convince us to stay at his house for now while he and his dad stayed at my mom's and sister's respectively, but we refused. He then suggested my mom's house, as they had been working on the large guest room to make it ready for us anyway, but we also refused. It's not that we don't appreciate their help, it's just that we are tired of CONSTANTLY being judged. We are judge for our religious prefrences, we are judged for our parenting and schooling choices, we are judged on how we handle our situation, we are judged for everything. A person can only please so many people, and the ones who are the most important, no one seems to realize how all this judgment of thier parents hurts them.

I am very, very depressed. As well as very stressed out. So much so that I was admitted to the hospital yesterday afternoon to check and monitor the baby (I'm now 37 weeks.) I'm in incredible amounts of pain, not to mention I am already considered high risk due to 3 prior c-sections. Dorian and my uterus both seem to be okay but I don't know how I'm going to be holding up. I am horribly exhausted both emotionally and physically and I worry about how much this affects my unborn son.

I'm having a very hard time staying positive. We have yet to hear back from public housing and probably won't hear from them for a while. J has had nothing but rejections from his job-search attempts. I don't know how much more of this I can handle in the next two weeks. Dorian will be here by the 7th. I just don't know how long I can hold on.

Random Memories

My sister and I were thinking about old memories, things we had done 15, 20, up to 25 years ago. I came to realize that my happiest memories have ALWAYS been with my siblings. Though we fought, and rarely had anything in common due to the great age gap (Sol is 12 years older, Nestor is 7 years older) we always had a good time. I could always depend on my brother and my sister.

Sure, even to this day they still get on my last damn nerve sometimes, and vice versa, but I can honestly say I have not one bad memory of either of them. They have never made me feel insignificant. They have never brought me further down when I was at a low point in life. Sure, we had disagreements, but we always made the effort to agree to disagree if we knew there was no point in arguing and that the other's mind was made up.

I don't have moments like that with my parents. My father was nonexistant in my childhood. My stepfather was abusive, controlling, and sure, I had a laugh here and there, but I loathed him. My mother, though I do have *some* good memories, was an all-around disappointment. There were things she did that I would have never even think of doing to my own children; things I could never forgive her for.

I hope that I, as a mom, can give my children great memories. Sure, I want them to have the same kind of memories I had with my siblings, but I also want the to think back at their parents with a bit of dignity. I don't want my children to resent me as a parent, ever, especially not in the way I do my own parents. I really hope I am being the kind of mom that not only is good *for* them but good *to* them.

Just Keep Swimming.

I have been in ungodly pain all day today.

I woke up today after a long night of ridiculous allergies, having BH contractions every time I took a step. I was cranky, miserable, and, according to J, was taking out my frustations on the children. I think I even snapped at him at one time, but I don't know. All I remember is that I had to walk slowly or I would burst into tears. My pelvis feels like it's trying to rip apart, and my son's head feels like it's just going to slip right out. I could barely move without crying out in pain.

I had planned to go to my FIL's house this afternoon with J and the girls, but thought best to stay home where I could bitch and whine on my own time and not ruin the night for everyone. I'm glad I did. The girls seemed to have a good time, and I was able to stay in bed and piss and moan to myself.

Three more weeks of this. Just three more weeks.

Stupid Allergies

I'm so fucking tired of these goddamn allergies! My face is exploding 90% of the time because of the high pollen count. Guess who is allergic to cedar and plane trees? ARGH! I need to see if I can get my allergy shot this late in the pregnancy. I can't do this anymore.

Uneventful day for me. Made some business calls & did some chores, but mostly slept. J hung out with the girls. I couldn't deal with the outside...though it still ended up inside due to the girls playing in the grass. *sigh* If I am not better tomorrow, I'm staying in bed.

It feels like Dorian is trying to juggernaut his way out.

Paperwork Sucks

So I had my appointment with housing this morning. I waited very little and was seen for maybe 15 minutes just to be handed even MORE paperwork. My application was fine, I was missing a few things (due to me listening to my mother), but they gave me 2 weeks to turn it in before denying me anything. And even if I had everything, it still takes them a MONTH before they can tell you whether or not they have anything available. I feel sorry for those who don't make enough for public housing and need section 8. The wait list to *that* is closed. They are no longer accepting applications. I believe after February, public housing won't be accepting them, either. So many people homeless; so many broke people. By the way, if you think you can get public housing just like that, you can't. It's a ridiculous amount of red-tape. Also, you *have* to have a job to qualify. Disabled persons, however, get first pick, as it isn't their fault they can't work. I have to print out a good amount of documentation for them to have by the 23rd. I also lost my SS card, so I need to go find that, or at least replace it.

Many errands to run tomorrow. I have an OB appointment as well. My body aches and I'm about to do my full moon ritual. I think I'll go to bed early.

Suck It Up, Buttercup

Currently sitting in a team meeting via ustream broadcast. It's a bit frustrating having to watch it online, but considering I am in Texas and this is happening live in Ohio, I have to suck it up, or go to Ohio for a weekend every month. Granted, I wouldn't mind visiting my sponsor, Danita, because she is fabulous, but I AM POOR, damn it. People just need to realize that standing right in front of the laptop filming the meeting makes it very hard for those viewing online to see a damn thing. Also, that not having the camera facing the people who are talking makes it difficult to hear what they are saying, unless they are like me and naturally loud. :) Granted, I get it. The room is small and crowded...BUT STILL. :D
We headed to Joe's yesterday. Lauren and Joey took us out to the park for a picnic. It was really nice. Minus the allergies (allergic to the high pollen count of cedar and plane here in TX as well as Joe's 3 cats), I enjoyed myself. I think we had a good time. I know the girls did. We watched Kung Fu Panda 2 as well as the first half of Hot Fuzz. We had to leave before the movie was over to head back home. Then we got lost, which just frustrated the hell out of J and me, so we were not happy campers when we got home. A lot of angriness at night, but they day seemed fun. :)

I am so tired. These allergies are kicking my ass. I hurt, a lot. Dorian keeps tugging at my scar with his big ol' head, and the pain is making nauseous. I feel like I do when I'm on my period. I hate it, but again, something I just have to suck up.

I need a nap. SO much to do tomorrow. We get to see the public housing authority tomorrow!! *fingers crossed*

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

Yesterday: J dropped off the girls at his dad's house so that they could spend the day with their Abuela Gin. This gave us the opportunity to get some things done without having the girls up our butts every 5 seconds, or fighting, or screaming, or, you know, just being them. I stayed at my sister's and helped clean the house, organizing my neice's and nephew's rooms, which are the rooms we have been staying in. I was pretty proud of my handy work. I also swept up as much as possible.

J went to his mother's to try and organize what he could and take our things into storage. First he cleared a way in the storage, and then headed to his mom's to bring stuff in. During this time both Steve and Debbie came home and blocked J in, demanding the house key and proceeded to call the cops. The officer showed up, told them to move the vehicles, and let them know that everything we have been telling them since this started was correct. We technically still live ther as we were never served with a judged-approved eviction notice. Also, Steve didn't sign the contractual lease agreement back in August, so he does not have anything to do with this. If Debbie wants to get in touch with us, she has to do it herself. She tried to argue that we changed our number, but J pointed out that she has our e-mail addresses and that *she* was the one who blocked all communication. He saved the text message that stated we should not contact her.

I wish I could have been there, just to see the look on their faces when the cop told them they were wrong and we were in the clear. Apparently, they had tried to intimidate J, talking mess, especially Steve. This shut them up real quick, though. They had nothing to say after that. When J went back to make sure he had all of our things in the garage, Debbie had emotionally sobered up enough to be nice and told J that he could take the playhouse and slide from the backyard for the girls if he wanted. He refused. He's not taking anything from her house that we didn't pay for so she can't say we were stealing her shit. Apparently, the reason why she wanted the house key so badly was because she believed J would take her things with him. Spiteful is as spiteful does. I'm sure she thought "if I would do it, so will he."

He brought over our important papers as well as my business supplies, which made me super happy. I had received my business cards in the mail and kept playing with them, so now I feel complete. I am patiently waiting for the new catalogs...

Today: While it was nice to wake up to nice, clean rooms, unfortunately, I over did it yesterday and hurt myself. I woke up in excrutiating pain this morning, and have been in tears on and off all day. J was in the same amount of pain. We had to suck it up, though.

Lily had her yearly check up, where we found out she's hard of hearing and her left eye can't see well, but that, at least, he legs are easily manageable and WILL grow out of the pidgeon-toes if we continue to stretch the muscles in her hips. I made appointments for next week.

J finished up getting all of our things out of his mother's garage and into the storage unit. He Tetris'd the fuck out of that thing. It's about the size of a one-car garage and he filled it top to bottom, front to back. It is RIDICULOUS how much shit he fit in there, not to mention it was EVERYTHING we owned. I convinced him that we should stop by his mother's on Monday to have a look-over to make sure we didn't leave anything behind after our public housing appointment.

Tomorrow: The girls don't know it yet, but we are headed over to go visit their Uncle Joey for the day. I know how much they love being with him. I told them Daddy had a surprise for them and they are just aching to find out what it is. LOL. Silly girls.

Other than that, nothing else planned. I'm doing my devotional for about a half hour tomorrow, have a team meeting Sunday afternoon, and shit doesn't get real again until Monday. I can't wait until things wind down. I just want to be able to breathe again.

Goals for 2012

I am in a lot of pain, which makes me angry. Unfortunately, I can't get angry at anyone because I'm sleep deprived due to the amount of pain I had been in last night that kept me up until 5 in the morning and woke me every hour after that. *sigh*
So I realized this morning that I never really elaborated on the things I wanted tp accomplish this year. I did mention my spirituality, once, and then forgot to mention the rest. So here it goes...

1. Get in touch with spirituality: This is something that I have been meaning to do for quite some time. It's been hard, being pregnant, homeschooling 3 kids in different levels at the same time, and all the stresses we've endured in the past 2 years, but I think I can get the hang of this if I focus. This entails my daily spiritual training (which I won't be able to get back into until I get my books and supplies out of storage), weekly devotionals (sort of like praise and worship at Church, except, you know, not about Jesus), monthly moon rituals (full moons, specifically), and remembering to celebrate *all* 8 major Sabats in my religion (even if it's just a little prayer and a tiny candle).
2. Succeed with business: As you already know, I'm a Pure Romance consultant (http://yvonneames.pureromance.com) but have been doing a crappy job at it since I started back in July. I can only blame myself for this, but for justifiable reasons. Trying to figure out where the life of your family is headed as well as trying to not feel so much like the plague from pregnancy can really damper your spirits and effect the way you run a business. So far, the month of January is looking spectacular. I am very excited. My dad sent some Christmas money that I have been using to get a few things to really get my business off the ground, that and last night's product launch had me super jazzed that I ended up booking 3 parties shortly afterwards.
3. Pay off debts: If I can be serious about my business, I'm hoping to make enough money this year to pay off as much of my debts as I possibly can. I still owe money to the trash company I used back in Iowa. *facepalm* Along with medical bills I was unable to pay in Nebraska, I owe my school 2k from my failed courses, and have to pay back VA an extra $640 for dropping out of school early. I'm sure I owe somebody else money, but right now can't think of anyone else. With this accomplished I'll be able to open new doors that will help my family, like, you know, not being homeless and worrying where we're going to be living in the next month.
4. Go back to school: until I pay what I owe, I can't get back into school. So paying off the debt is the first thing I have to do before I can accomplish this goal. I *really* do want to finish my degree (I have 2 years under my belt, so I'd be done with my BA in History and English in no time) and think it would be beneficial for me in teaching my children.
5. Daily journal entries: If you haven't already noticed, I've tried to write every day since the new year started. This is something that I've wanted to do for quite some time and hope to continue in the future. With all that is going on, I want to document as much as I can. This is also a great stress-reliever for me. When I write about my problems, they don't seem as large as they do in my head. I can really get things into perspective if I set it all down on (figuratively) paper first, and analyze it from a different point of view. If I vent on a daily basis, maybe I can stop being such an ass sometimes and really think about how ridiculous some of my problems are so I can stop making such a big deal out of them
6. Lose 20 lbs: This is last on the list for the obvious reason that I am still pregnant. After the pregnancy, I'll be placed on minimal activity for two months so that I can heal from my cesearean. I'll pretty much still be out of comission well into April. However, I don't ever want to get as big as I did ever again. I felt like crap every day because I was so out of shape. My health was just shit. Currently, at 8.5 months pregnant, I am 147 lbs. Exactly one year ago, at not pregnant at all, I was at 147 lbs! So yes, during this pregnancy I have "lost" weight. This had a lot to do with the fact that I take careful note of what I eat, more now because I have gestational diabetes this time around. I hope to continue to eat right as well as get back to going to the gym three times a week. Last year, for the first six months of 2011, I was training hard to join the military. I had lost very little weight then, but had gained muscle and a lot of stamina. I felt GREAT and I miss it. If I hadn't been put on bed rest and didn't hurt so goddamn much, I probably would have kept at it. For now though, I'll stick to walking with Dorian and the girls on a regular basis, and come April, challenge the husband at some athletic feat that will take some training to do. (He wants to get in shape to; it works out since he graduates in March.)

So, as you can see, not a lot of things planned for 2012, but they will take the whole year to accomplish. It's a nice list of long-term goals that I hope to start on the right track this year as well as continue them for the following years. They are practical and things that I believe will benefit my life. Along with these reasonable goals, I have my ridiculous ones as well. Two come to mind: A. see how long I can grow my hair out before I get fed up and cut it, and B. see how long I can grow my nails before caving and chewing them off. I know it sounds silly, but I like to do these. In 2006 I decided to see how long I could last without dying my hair. Six years later, and this is still my natural color, greys (they're sparkles!) and all.

Pure Romance and Things That Make Me Smile

So this evening, Pure Romance launched our new products for spring. OH MY GOODNESS IT IS SO AWESOME. They introduced a new product line called The Diamond Collection. It's made of supreme silicone, which makes it smooth and non-porous, which makes it hypoallergenic. Not only that, but they are all RECHARGABLE. I wish I had the money to buy it all just so I could play with it. However, I'm just going to have to suck it up and wait for the parties, catalog parties, and conference calls. *squee* I ordered a bunch of new order forms, catalogs, and shiny new business cards. I'M ON THIS.

J bought me a few of my (edible) favorite things. I currently had a ham and cheese hot pocket and have been drinking lemonade/tea. We didn't know Lipton had the half & halfs, so he bought a 12 pack of them last night. I think I've already drank half of the pack. :D

I am in a lot of pain. I accidently scare my sister because I started screaming and swearing before bursting into tears. She was rubbing my abdomen and was slightly grossed out. Since I'm not longer pudgy, all I have is stretched out skin and a baby in there somewhere. She could feel all the lumps and curves that were my son's limbs, made more prominent due to the fact that I was in the middle of some serious Braxton Hick's contractions. I just have to remember I have almost exactly 5 weeks left of this. He's almost here...

Way To Go.

Wow. Just....wow.So J got a text message from his youngest brother Joe about how their mom is getting an attorney because in the past two weeks we have not made any contact with her.

First off, she blocked both J and myself from her Facebook profile. Second, she sent J a text message (which he has saved) to make no attempts in contacting her and that all correspondence must be done through Steve (her boyfriend.) My brother also received a note from Steve on Facebook about this (also saved.) Last, Steve has me friended on Facebook. If there were any issues that needed to be brought to our attention, he could have easily sent me a message.

J is in complete awe. He figured that after two weeks after being kicked out his mother would have sobered up by now and realized how ridiculous all of her allegations sounded. My comment was that she is probably still spending most of her evenings drunk, and that Steve is an enabler, to which he agreed I had a point. He still angry though. This has caused our family much unnecessary stress.

Another thing, she can get an attorney all she wants, but they will tell her that we need a judge-approved eviction notice due to the fact that we had a contractual agreement (which we have a copy of.) J has already told her this. We have yet to receive one. I was hoping we could all get this done and over with, but apparently this is going to end up a legal battle. We already spoke to KPD; they already assured us that we are in the clear, but still. This is beyond ridiculous at this point. And even if we didn't need the eviction notice, we have until 5pm January 18th to get all of our things out. That will be exactly 30 days since our "eviction." We still have fifteen days according to my calendar.

It sucks though. We have absolutely no room in the storage unit due to the fact that we had believed we would permanently move in eventually; you know, like we were told. And since J ended up giving his mother every penny we had left as rent money, we can no longer afford to even upgrade the unit. So while I'm staying as calm as possible, I can seriously understand why J is so angry.

As for the girls dealing with this situation, Lily has been the hardest in coping. She has been lashing out and angry and is still having nightmares about her grandmother. It's been a complete rollercoaster of emotions with that girl, I'm almost to my wit's end. She has her good days, but on her bad days... She told me last week that she had dreamt that "Dorian was born and then Grandma took him and killed the baby." I was heartbroken and had to sit with her and tell her that everything was ok, that J and I would be taking good care of Dorian and that Grandma could no longer hurt us. She then asked why her grandmother had been so mean to us and J tried to explain it the best way he could. Lily came up with the conclusion, "So, Grandma is just throwing a big tantrum because she didn't get her way." We figured that was the best explanation a 6 year old could come up with and asked her that if she still had bed dreams to please find an adult to remind her that we love her and that everything was ok. I asked her what she was going to do with the nightmares. "I'm going to ask God to blow them away." I initially thought she meant that God would use a strong wind to be rid of them. Knowing Lily, she wants to nuke them. Iris, thankfully, has taken all of this in stride. Being the mellowest of the three, she is the best at coping. She is no longer wetting the bed, her fits are minimal, and there have been no bad dreams. Rose, however, is a lot like Lily. There has been a lot of rage, and a lot of screaming and crying when she sleeps. We are just taking on day at a time with them. It's hard, but we have to move on and put the past where it belongs.

On a good note, my doctor says I am looking much healthier. I have a little over a month before Dorian gets here.

2012 & Things Needed if We Get Our Own Place

These past two days have been busy ones. We spent the entire day yesterday spending time with my dad-in-law and my stepmom-in-law. The girls had a great time, and they offered to babysit them any time we needed it. I don't know when I'll take them up on that offer, but it's very much noted in the back of my mind. If J gets a job any time soon, and I have weekly appointments for the next month until Dorian arrives, I know the girls will need someone who can give them an entire day of attention on those days when J's and my obligations overlap. And then, of course, the day I have Dorian, someone needs to be with them overnight. (Deena stayed with Lily when I had Iris; Meg stayed with Lily and Iris when I had Rose.)

****
Today was spent running errands. I had packages of products that needed to be mailed, and my sister's prescription to be filled. I was going to head to the bank and make a money order to send to our old DPT for duplicate titles on our vehicles, but the bank was busy. Somehow, I was also riding on an empty gas tank for a while. Tomorrow, more errands. I have an appointment with my OBGYN in the afternoon and the rest of my products are coming in that day. I have a transaction to make with a customer, and doctor and dentist appointments to make for the children.

****
I don't make New Year Resolutions. One thing I do like to do is set goals every few months and reflect on their progress. I'd like to start being more spiritual, so while I won't be practicing on a weekly basis or anything, I do want to hold a ritual every month on the full moon. Being a mom (and currently a very full moon :D ), this means a lot to me. I want to pay my respects to my mother goddess. I'd also like to get back to celebrating the Sabats as often as possible instead of whenever it's convenient. It's going to take some scheduling on my part, but if I focus on doing these in the evening, I think I can make it work.

****
As much as I appreciate what my family has done for me in giving me a place to stay and taking care of us in this time of need. I really hope we can have our own place soon. My mom is trying get HUD to give me an earlier appointment, but I'm fine waiting until the 9th. It occurred to me, though, that if they do have something available for us, we got rid of a lot of things so we could move and have very little left.

We have all of our furniture, so we have places to sit and sleep, etc. We kept our bathroom things, and if my monster-in-law didn't throw it out, we'll be covered for that. However, we have almost nothing for the kitchen (we have most of the appliances). I've compiled a list for things we will need if and when we get our own place.

• pots & pans
• cooking utensils
• oven mitts
• plates
• cups
• mugs
• silverware
• dish soap
• dish sponge
• all-purpose cleaner
• cleaning rags
• (microwave) **only if apt is not equipped with one
• paper towels
• trash can
• trash bags
• toilet paper
• toilet brush
• toilet cleaner
• dresser (to replace mine, that broke)
• cubby-style toy organizer with drawers (to replace the large plastic tubs that take up too much room)

So far, this is all the stuff I know we will need. Some I can acquire easily, and for cheap, at the dollar stores. Others, I'm quite sure we can find second-hand somewhere.

I'm really hoping that HUD has something available for us within the next couple of months. Like I said, I appreciate all that my family has done, but we really need our own place. We are slowly getting back to where we were, but it's still difficult when you have to be careful of how it will affect the others you live with, which is frustrating if the dynamics clash.

Here's hoping for a prosperous new year. *fingers crossed*

Done

I hate it when people think they can undermine my parental authority because I am "young and ignorant." Just because you are older and also have kids doesn't mean you have any idea what you are doing. Raise your own damn kids and leave me to mine. Don't give me shit about parenting classes. We've been part of the system for over 6 years and received monthly as well as bi-yearly evaluations. I know what I'm doing.
I hate being told I'm being an asshole to my children when a week later of having my children around, you, too, are being a dick.

I am so fucking tired of everyone thinking I have no grip on what is going on in my family or in our situation just because I'm 25 damn years old. I'm a good fucking parent whether anyone agrees with it or not. I know I am. We were told so by SOCIAL SERVICES as well as by a BEHAVIORAL THERAPIST that I am doing great by my kids. We.know.what.we.are.doing. Sure, it's hard, and we'll slip up, but we move one and try and do better next time. That's all we really can do. I'm just so fucking tired of everyone putting in their two cents without my asking. If I didn't ask for your opinion, I don't want to hear it. The end.

I am so emotionally tired. I am just so fucking done. People act like we are not fucking trying. It's winter break. NOBODY IN H.R. ANYWHERE IS AVAILABLE UNTIL THE 2nd!!! I am tired of everyone trying to shove us into this little cookie cutter that we don't fucking fit in. Trust me. We tried it, and our marriage bombed in the process with me pregnant and alone at my mother's, and J with a criminal record broke and living with friends.

I hate hate HATE the fact that I have to depend on others to survive. I pray that they have something for us in public housing. I can't fucking do this anymore. I am constantly being judged and criticized. Our entire family dynamic is fucked because everyone feels they have a say. I fucking give up.

Is It 2012 Yet?

The past few months haven't been as great as I had hoped. I'm still very much pregnant, but I'm also homeless. We're staying with my sister for now until we can figure something out.
My mother-in-law has cut off all communication with us. She deleted and blocked both J and I off her Facebook as well as my brother and sister. She believes that we are entitled and spoiled brats (even though we were paying her $500 monthly to help out) and the fact that I teach my children to question everything, learn about other's beliefs, and be open-minded, well-rounded children is just unacceptable. She wants us to be a cookie-cutter kind of family (kids in public school, J and I a "9 to 5" couple, etc.) but that's just not going to happen. J and I tried that---we HATED IT. It's just not how we function. It's not something we enjoyed, we were miserable and realized we work and function better as a family without it. Regardless, the fact that she hates everything about me and blames me for all of her problems caused us to be kicked out from what was supposed to be our home. Truthfully, I think it was all about money. As soon as we told her we ran out and couldn't pay her anymore, it escalated to this. She even cut herself off from her grandchildren, which I think is just sad, pathetic, and fucked up. I have never known someone to be so hateful.

The ridiculosity of this month has been stressful, but thankfully that mess is over. Now our biggest obstacle is finding a permanent home. We have an appointment with social services for government-sponsered housing on January 9. The wait-list for section 8 is 2 years right now, so we are trying to public housing I hope the wait-list, which is rumored to become 3 years, is just a rumor. We really need this.

I feel so deflated. I am so tired, but for once, my depression isn't all in my head, it's legitimate. My doctor has offered to give me something, but I won't see him until the 3rd. I wish I could lay in bed all day and do nothing, just sleep. If I didn't have any kids, maybe this would be easier, but I just feel terrible know they were in that situation and are now in this situation. I feel like a terrible parent having to put them through this. Granted, they are strong and smart girls. Lily and Iris have both understood everything that is going on, (Lily being pissed and wanting nothing to do with her grandmother; Iris telling me that "Grandma is dead" to her) but I feel like I've done something wrong. I know the girls are doing better; no more tantrums, no more bed-wetting, nightmares, or skin rashes. Even my own rashes have disappeared. I just have that nagging feeling like I forgot to do something.

We still have a ton of stuff to get out of my mother-in-law's house. She took all of our things and shoved it into her garage. If she broke anything, so Lord help me... she wasn't even supposed to touch our things, according to law. It doesn't matter now, though. J will be getting the storage in some sort of order to put our things in there again, I just hope there is room. It took us 4 months to get the stuff we had out; we only have 30 days (as of the 19th, when we were "evicted," as she puts it) to put it back in. It's time consuming, and I can't do anything to help. *sigh* I just want this to all be done already. I just want to only worry about the fact that I have 6 weeks left of this pregnancy. I just want a seriously long nap.

Oh, November

Finally started on my novel for National Novel Writing Month. Yeah, that's right. Ten more days until the end of the month and I am NOW just starting. Most people are at about 33k right now if they are keeping the steady pace of about 1.7k per day. In the past three hours of writing nonstop, I've made it to a little over 6k. I'd have to write an average of about 3.8k a day to actually win this year. I WANT to win this year. 6 years of this and not one win.

Personally, I think my novel is crap. I'll post it at the end of the month. Speaking of the end of the month, I need to make $100 retail for my Pure Romance business for me to stay active. I have tried everything, and still nothing. I don't know what else to do. I'm so effing tired. My boobs also hurt. Stupid pregnancy.

I'm so tired. I haven't slept well in almost a month.

Getting prepped and geared for NaNoWriMo this year. With no job, no school, and only my kids taking up my time, I actually have a lot of empty "me" time this year. Let's see how much I can get done next month. I have only a slight idea of what I am going to write about, hopefully as time progresses, I'll have more.
I have been in excrutiating pain. I have barely left the house. I am horribly depressed. I have made little progress in my Pure Romance business. To be honest, I'm highly dissappointed by the lack of support I have recieved from friends. It was a serious blow for me. I don't ask that they buy anything, I just want them to spread the word and support me, just like I would do for them and the only response I seem to get is "Oh, awkward." I just don't understand it. I really, really don't.

I'm pretty low these days. Lack of finance, unstable future, and this constant feeling that the bottom half of my body is trying to detach itself from the top half has me feeling exhausted. Other than occupying myself with NaNo next month, I don't know what else to do.

As If Life Doesn't Suck Enough

1. We have officially been in Texas now for about 3 weeks now. Got here the 2nd of August. It's a relief that I don't have to deal with BILLS so much now.
2. I'm struggling...HARD...at school. I'm calling my academic advisor today and dropping from school. We are shit poor anyway. It's not like we "need" the money anymore; we have nothing to save.
3. My mother and I are not speaking. She blew up and disrespected me about two weeks ago over my sexuality and choice of religion. To be honest, not having her in my life has been a relief. I'm happier being able to comfortably be me without having to tip-toe around subjects that may upset her. I refuse to speak to her until she apologizes for the way she treated me. She has deleted me off of her FaceBook (LOL) as well as from her cell's contact list. She told my sister (throw a slew of mood swings) that I was not allowed at her house. *She* chose to 'disown' me. However, she recently told my sister that I am hiding from her,  *snort* you know, since I live A BLOCK AWAY FROM HER DAMN HOUSE. I honestly believe that woman needs mental evaluation for Alzheimer's. Her memory is absolutely warped and she is horribly delusional. In all honesty, though, I am truly done with her. I have never, in my 25 years, felt so INSULTED as I did the day my mom called me, yelled at me, and then told me, verbatum, to go to hell. All I had told her, and very calmly at that, was that I was hanging up because I had refused to be treated like that. This coming from a PASTOR. She is a bigot, a hypocrite, and a fraud. I. AM. DONE.
4. I am in excrutiating pain. All of my children ended up being c-sections so my uterus isn't happy with this 4th pregnancy. The scar tissue on my uterus is stretching and ZOMG it HURTS. Guess what can be done? Not a damn thing. My OBGYN told me yesterday that my *entire* pregnancy is going to be this painful. As if life doesn't suck enough.
5. I have been horribly depressed, and I know it has to do with the hormones of this pregnancy. Either way, I don't want to be here.

Sunday's Itinerary.

[x] collect and discard all garbage and recycling
[x] discard broken crib
[x] dismantle broken dresser and discard
[x] dismantle shelves in girls' closet
[ ] dismantle and discard broken armoir
[ ] pack girls' clothes stored in guest room
[ ] pack girls' clothes stored in linen closet
[ ] pack shoes
[ ] wash and pack dishes

Having a bit of a break. Now on to tackle the broken armoir. *Sigh* I have a final paper that needs to be written that is due tomorrow. I hope I have time for all of this crap.

2. Going through the motions, Playing a part

So the secret I was keep was that I am pregnant. as you probably have already guessed. I still feel like crap, first trimester and all. It's taken a few weeks, but I am not starting to enjoy the idea of another little one. It was hard for me to enjoy the idea due to the fact that I am sick AND pregnant and can't do a damn thing about it, but of the terrible timing. I did pray, I prayed that if the military was not meant to be that something needed to be put in my path to change it. I was working hard, getting physically, mentally, and academically prepared. I was ready, until I spent a week with my face in a toilet being unable to keep anything down. I figured it was stress while Mary figured that I could be pregnant. I was upset. All this hard work down the drain. Granted, I did ask the powers that be that if the military was a bad decision, stop it, but I was hoping it would have come in the way of being disqualified at MEPS, not another child. The timing was just off, what with the move and the being broke and all.

Speaking of being broke, we literally have no money left. After all the bills were paid, (J took care of the mortgage and credit card while I paid the car, water, energy, and Internet) we realized that if we were to stay here just through the month of August, we wouldn't make it. All that is left is J's 401K, which I really want him to keep. Just to get us through one more month here, he'd have to cash that out. I'm so glad we are moving. Don't get me wrong, I'm seriously going to miss this house, MY house, and the friends I have made here, but I'll have a place to live, and my children will be taken care of. It may not be the ideal situation, but at least we won't be homeless and starving.

So, J is REALLY enjoying being a stay-at-home dad and has decided that it is my turn to make the money. Seeing as I have very little skill in any feild, I decided to try out something I KNOW I am good at. I am now a Pure Romance consultant. You can check my website out at yvonneames.pureromance.com I'm really excited about this job. Yes, I'm going to be selling adult literature and novelty items. Yes, that means I'm selling dildos, vibrators, and pocket-pussies, but I am awesome when it comes to explaining the benefits of good sexual health.

J and I have been together for ten years, just about. We have had an entire DECADE to experiment and learn about each other's body's. We sit and research about certain sexual activities to make sure we are both comfortable and that neither of us scared or gets hurt. The things we haven't tried, we reaserch, take polls, ask questions. I am blunt, honest, and not ashamed by sexual questions. I don't get embarrassed when asking or being asked about sexual situations, and I love to learn and help people better thei sexual experiences with a partner. I want women to feel comfortable in their bodies and with their significant others. I want them to know that you don't have to be a sexual deviant to find pleasure in using toys, and that you shouldn't be ashamed of it either. I've used a lot of their products. My friend Danita, and now my sponsor, was my consultant before I got started. I use the lotions and sprays on my children! Iris has very dry and sensitive skin and it moisterizes awesomely. I can't say enough about this company.

Anyway, things are beginning to fall into place. I'm stressed, yes, but this time it's not out of absolute terror. I'm really excited. I move in two weeks. Yes, that soon. I have my friend Meg coming over next week to help me pack, and my friend Janene offered to babysit the girls so J could help pack, too. Mary has offered her jeep to throw our donations in the back for Goodwill, and I've already talked to the trash collectors to see how much extra they would charge me for all the crap I'm going to be throwing away. I have a PR party booked with my MIL in 3 weeks already. And when I get there, I've already scheduled and appointment with my old OBGYN and filled out the paperwork for food stamps and medicaid. All I have to do now is turn it in and wait for an interview. I AM SET. I'm so ready I just want this done and over with.

Children are about to start a riot if I don't give them, as Rose puts it, their "alk" (milk).

1. Lists

1. failed my SOC101 class (FUCK) even though I tried. I REALLY DID. damn it all.
2. am on academic probation. must pass next 2 classes (ENG225: intro to film & PHI103: informal logic) to get financial aid back.
3. applied for student loans on top of pell grant.
4. registered for fall classes.
5. VA finally got it's shit together and retracted my "debt." Stupid fucks
6. am enjoying my film class. currently have a 92.
7. face is puffy, rash covered, and has sinus infection.
8. xx xxxxxxxx and feel like crap.

0.

I feel so very old today. My body aches. My heart hurts. I'm weepy, but there's not much I can do about it. My allergies are KILLING me. J and I got absolutely no sleep with all my hacking and gagging, sneezing and coughing. Nothing is working, and my throat burns.

I have a secret I want to share, but now isn't the right time to share it.

Flood Update

Hwy 30, the last highway that would lead us out of town, had a levee breach yesterday, and is on the verge of being closed. It has been raining in my town for the past two days. For those of you who have been worried, my family is safe and sound over at a friend's house (Mary). She has been kind enough to let us live at her house until things settle down a bit, as we were not looking forward to being trapped in our house. Most, if not all, of the highways leading out of my town are closed. To return home for anything will take us at least an hour or so when Hwy 30 is officially closed.

Thankfully, our house is on a hill and will be minimally affected by the flood. If anything in my house were to flood, it would be the garage, and maybe the basement, but the house itself would be safe, along with important documents that are in a waterproof and fireproof safe.

Thank you to everyone who has kept us in their prayers! We are healthy and safe and far away from the flood as humanly possible.

Oh. Joy.

Thank you, unrelenting stress.
And thank you, opressive depression.

Chunks of my hair, I repeat, CHUNKS OF MY HAIR are falling out. For once, I am thankful for the ungodly amount of hair I have, even though it is fine in texture. If all else fails and I end up with bald spots, I at least already know I look awesome with a shaved head.

I'm in a complete fog. I feel do disoriented and full of rage.

Missouri River Flood 2011

It has come to my attention that, though everyone was alerted nationwide about the tornadoes in the south a few months back, no one is being alerted about the serious damage being made in the Missouri River Basin here in the Midwest.

My first video about this crisis was posted on June 13. on my pagan-related channel, requesting prayers. My second video was posted on my random channel today, as an update on the high waters. To be clear, this is not affected just my town (Missouri Valley, IA) but all the states and adjacent borders of the Missouri River.

I now leave you with the two videos I posted.

Missouri River Flood 2011 Prayer Request

Missouri River Flood 2011 Hwy 30

Your Common Sense, Your Best Defense, Lay Wasted and In Vain

I've been worrying.

I feel like all my hard work will be for naught. I'll end up losing all this weight, working my butt off every other day trying to get in shape, not being in therapy for these past almost 6 months for me to take my ASVAB, go to MEPS and then be told "Nope. Sorry. Disqualified. Have a nice day."

I'm barely passing Sociology, not for lack of trying, but because my professor didn't backtrack my grades like he said he would. I'm not going to worry about, though, since I AM passing, and it's because I am awesome. I'm actually pretty psyched about my final paper as it is a topic I am familiar with and enjoy researching (religion.)

I feel like I haven't slept in days and all I ever do is sleep if I'm not busy.

Draw a Labyrinth - wikiHow

How to Draw a Labyrinth

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit


Creating a labyrinth design is fun and it can be used for a puzzle, a logo, a wall picture, a book cover, and many other creative uses. This article explains the intricacies of drawing a labyrinth and provided you're patient, it's actually very easy to achieve and looks awesome.

Steps

1. Draw eight concentric circles, leaving a small circle that will serve as the labyrinth's center. (Concentric circles sit one inside the other and so on.) Label the circles from 1-8, starting with the largest circle as number 1.
   
2. At the labyrinth's center, draw a flower-like pattern. This is like the center of most labyrinths.
   
3. Draw two horizontal lines and four vertical lines across the labyrinth, taking care to avoid drawing through the center. The lines should align with the middle of the labyrinth. The lines should be equally spaced apart.
   
4. Erase lines to make labyrinth pathways. Starting with the left horizontal line, erase lines in circles 1, 2, 5, 6 and 7. Erase a part of circle 4.
   
   • When erasing, remember to make the pathway's size equal to the size of the spaces within circles.
     
5. Erase the vertical line in the first circle, and leave the rest of them untouched. Erase parts of circles 3, 5 and 7.
   
6. Erase the horizontal line in circle 7, and leave the rest of them untouched. Erase parts of circles 2, 4 and 6.
   
7. Erase the first vertical line from the left within circles 3, 4 and 7. Leave the second vertical line untouched. Erase the third vertical line from the left within circle 7, leaving the rest untouched.
   
8. Continue to erase lines within each circle to complete the pathways.
   
   • For circle 1, erase the part between the first and second vertical lines.
     
   • For circles 2 and 6, erase the part between the first and third vertical lines, as well as some from the left.
     
   • For circles 3, 5 and 7, erase the part between the first and third vertical line, as well as some from the right.
     
   • For circle 4, erase the part between the second and third vertical line.
     
   • For circle 8, erase the part between the second and third vertical line.
     

Video

This video presents a number of "seed patterns" with which to design different labyrinths.

Tips

• Use a marker to make the pencil lines darker. Or, you could paint the image if preferred.
  
• These instructions work for both paper drawing and screen drawing. Try both to see which effect you like the most.
  

Warnings

• Have patience. Labyrinths are meant to test it!
  

Things You'll Need

• Paper
  
• Pen, marker, pencil
  
• Eraser
  
• Something to display your artwork in or on (optional)
  

Related wikiHows

• How to Draw a Circle
  
• How to Draw a Perfect Circle on Microsoft Paint
  
• How to Draw A Dog Using Circles
  
• How to Draw a Circle and Its Centre Without Lifting Your Pencil
  
• How to Hand Draw a Maze
  
• How to Draw a Basic Maze
  

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Draw a Labyrinth. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Draw a Labyrinth - wikiHow

You Can Make It Feel So Real

My new piercing is AWESOME. So totally worth it. Just saying.

I was behind two weeks in my Sociology class (mind you, we are now finishing week 2) due to my sister's car accident, the death of Johnny, and last week's concurrent power outages here, that I had until tonight to finish them all. I had hoped to get them all done yesterday, but after writing them all down, it was already passed midnight and I was exhausted. Thankfully, in less than 24 hours, I got caught up with ALL of my homeowork, I have kept in contact with my professor this entire time, and he has ok'd it and is going back into the gradebook to give me full credit. :) I now have to do a paper on the death penalty that is due tomorrow night, but thankfully I have a big chunk of information in my textbook that I can use and only have to add one more reference, that I can easily pull out of my ass. :)

I am very tired and have a lot of things to do in the house that I feel will never get done. J has been washing laundry non stop and I, the dishes. I organized the kitchen so that things (appliances) would be more accessible, but soon everything will be in boxes. So many things have to go. The girls have WAY too many toys, and Grandma's has plenty to spare, so I'm only going to keep things I love, like the pretend play toys, dolls, cars, and building things. All those little annoying toys they have strewn about are going!

The amount of clothing this family has is ridiculous. Thankfully, my friend Rachel is taking all the rest of the baby clothes, as Rose is now in 2T , which means I can now get rid of all the 18mos and 24mos clothes I have...and boy do we have a LOT. All kids shoes under size 6 are going, too.

I was worried about the furniture, but we are taking all of it with us, not to keep. Joey (J's baby brother) is getting married soon and he and is wife-to-be are moving into a new apartment next month. They have nothing, as most newlyweds and college grads do. So they are getting OUR newlyweds furniture. ;) We get to downsize AND help out family. Everybody wins!

Days Go By

My vacation, in general, went well. I had a friend of the family pass away the first week I was there, so the second week I went to the wake in Wednesday and the funeral on Thursday. I got to see some old friends from childhood, some of whom I hadn't seen in a decade, give or take a year or so. It was nice to see those faces.

I still feel out of it. I'm officially 25 now. I've hit my quarter-life, and I feel like I have accomplished very little. My mother took me out for dinner on the 29th, the day before we left. We said goodbye to everyone on the 30th, stayed at Mary's on the 31st, lounged about on the 1st, and did nothing on the 2nd, my actually birthday. A day like every other day.

Yesterday I went to Grinn and Barrett in Omaha with Michele and her husband and she and I got matching hood (vhc) piercings. J had the lines finished in his tattoo. Needless to say, husbs and I got cut and stabbed, and paid for someone to do it. Mine was free, only because James paid for it as a birthday gift. The three of us (J stayed w/ the girls at home) then had dinner at HuHot. HOLY SHIT THAT FOOD IS DELICIOUS. Just saying.

I have a lot of things to do in the house, but today is dedicated to homework and spiritual work.

I'm in a funk that I need to get out of.

Dancing 'Til The World Ends

• Everyone is ok from the accident. Juanita got the brunt of the force, so she is banged up pretty bad. Both she and my sister, however, had no broken bones or anything, and though are both excruciatingly sore from the incident, will be fine in a couple weeks.
• My mom's kitchen is covered by insurance. They'll be remodeling it soon.
• J paid my school last night so my holds were removed. I start my newest class, Sociology 101, on Tuesday.
• I got on the elliptical today. I'm in a good mood. "Endorphines make you happy. Happy people don't just shoot their husbands."

Humidity 100%

You'd think a vacation would be just that--a vacation. It has been anything but.

I'm seriously stressed out right now. My anxiety is so high, I feel like I'm doped up on caffeine and ready to pass out. My heart is reacing, my hands are shaking, I have the jitters so bad my eyes can't focus even with my glasses on, and if I lay down, my body starts to shiver. I'm on the verge of tears every 5 seconds.

I guess I should explain. Everything was perfectly fine when we got here. No problems at all. Until J and I started discussing my science class, that I am failing, and gave up on, and the amount of money I owe the school. Of course if this doesn't get paid, I do not get my VA education benefits that are paying our bills. At the same time, we just don't have 1k to spend on school. I don't owe this money because I failed my class. This is just what I owe after a year at the school. J, however, still blames me. No matter how hard I try and explain ANYTHING to him, I'm an asshole and it's all my fault.

My sister accidently caught my mom's kitchen on fire. I cut my hand yesterday, trying to clean the bits of glass off of the stove that exploded from the microwave. To top that off, my sister, and my friend, Juanita, were in a car wreck last night and are both in the hospital. I was up until 2 or 3 in the morning on the phone with everyone since I couldn't go anywhere. With my anxiety the way it is, I can't operate heavy machinery, and J and his mom had been drinking, so they couldn't take me.

I am so tired of life. No matter where I go, it seems like life just keeps shitting on my parade. It's not even raining, it is just flinging poo from the sidelines.

Just keeping my family in prayer. That's all I can do now.

Happy Mother's Day to Me.

I know it's early, by a couple of hours, really, but I'm determined to have a good day. I have been so down and irritable lately, I NEED to get my ass in gear. Tomorrow will be a productive day, and I WILL spend it with my children, all three of my incredibly wonderful children.

If you don't already know, I have three daughters.

Lily Anna was born 12/26/05 at 11:52 PM, eight days after her due date, after 17 hours in the hospital, and an emergency cesarean because she entangled herself in her cord. She was 21 in.; 7 lbs., 11 oz. and had so much hair, I could put bows in it the day she was born. She is currently 5-and-a-half-years-old and is amazingly brilliant. She self-taught herself how to eat with a spoon, potty-training, and tying her shoes. Her favorite colors are green and pink. She loves to sing to the radio, pray, and pretend she is a princess. She is incredibly tall, at 3.5 feet, scrawny at 42 lbs., but wearing 6/7 sized clothing and a whopping size 13 shoe. She likes to read her Magic School Bus books to her little sisters and is a big help around the house. Her current favorite hobby is loom-knitting. She is my sensitive child in the sense that she is constantly seeking approval. She is my social butterfly and seems dependent on what others think about her.

Iris Marie was born 10/26/07 at 8:37pm, five days after her due date, after 26 hours of labor in the hospital, via cesarean for lack of progress. She was 20 in; 7 lbs, 9 oz, and also had a good head of hair, just not as thick as her older sister's. She is currently 3-and-a-half-years-old, , and even though she has surprised us multiple times with how bright she is, she doesn't have a care in the world. If the world were on fire around her, she'd be the one sitting in a corner entertaining herself while everything around her was in chaos. She is incredibly quiet, being shy and speaking softly. She seems to naturally chose 'speak softly and carry a big stick' as a personal motto. Her favorite colors are purple and brown. She loves music, dirt, picking flowers, and wishes she was a boy. She is 36 lbs, and exactly 3' tall, with her dainty size 8 shoe. She is my emotional child. Though not really sensitive in the sense of dependency, her emotions range on the extreme. When she is happy, she is very happy; when sad, she is very sad. She is my little drama queen.

Rose was born 07/31/09 at 7:31 am, two weeks after her due date, via cesarean since I was already at 42 weeks and she wasn't budging. She was 21 in; 7 lbs, 15oz and had as much hair as her eldest sister, but twice as curly. She is currently over a year-and-a-half, reaching 2 in just two or so months, and crazy. Did I mention she is crazy? Her favorite pasttimes include screaming, fighting, and hitting things with other things. She seems to be the most bilingual of all my children, being able to recognize certain phrases in Spanish quicker than her sisters. Though she refuses to talk much (her sisters keep talking for her) she is very smart and refuses to be bossed around by anyone -- complete disregard for authority.

These are my three daughters, children I named after flowers; my garden. But the fact that I carried them for 9+ months and had them ripped out of my womb isn't what makes me a mom to them. Any woman can do that. The times I stayed up all night because of fevers or teething or both is a reason. The times I was 8 or so months pregnant and Lily had an accident while Iris had a nightmare all at the same time and everyone was crying and my husband slept through the entire thing is a reason. The tantrums, the pinching, the pushing, the headlocks, the fish-hooking, the fighting I had to break-up so many times I can no longer keep count are reasons. The recitals I attended, the lessons I taught, the heart-to-hearts, the hugs and kisses, the trips to the park to play, to the library to learn, to the store to browse and observe, and the nights they slept snuggled against my chest, those are the reasons that make me a mom.

I'm not a perfect mom. Not even close. To this day, almost six years after having my first child, I still have a lot to learn and a lot to change for the better. I regret choices I made in the past, and will probably continue to do so after all is said and done, but know that at that present time I did what I thought was the right thing to do. I've had mistakes, I've had triumphs, and I've had downright failures, but the fact that my children still come to me when they need me lets me know that they love me and accept me. The fact that if I fall down in tears from a stressful day and all of them come to hug me, I know I've done something right.

So here's to all imperfect mothers and their beautiful and perfect children, even the ones they raised that someone else gave birth to. Have a wonderful and blessed mother's day. Enjoy today spending it with the ones who helped you become the great mother that you are. <3

clouds never go behind the sun

I am sick.
I've been on the verge of vomiting all day. So much so, that J, bless him, canceled his job interview so that I wouldn't have to be alone with the girls feeling like this. I was willing to suck it up, but he told me no.

I think it's mostly depression and anxiety that have me like this. I cried a lot last night. I've been on the verge of tears for the past week or so, being unable to talk to anyone about my problems, or even think about them without a few escaping while I do. For example, today I called a bunch of animal shelters and almost started crying when I was explaining why I had to give my cats away.

Yesterday I had a job interview. I think it actually went well, after the fact that I kept tearing up and had to wipe my face a couple of times explaining to the manager my situation. It was for a life insurance company, and they need agents. However, I am not licensed to sell insurance and would have to go to a class that would cost me $100 and then pay $60 to get the actual license after taking the test. You already know I don't have any money. So I teared up trying to think of a way this could work. Joan, the manager, told me she was looking for a secretary and would call me to set up another interview specifically for that. So, fingers are crossed for that. I would only be making about $200/wk but that's more than the $0 I'm making now.

***

I'm struggling in staying afloat emotionally, but I'm managing it. I am no longer seeing a psychologist and haven't done so in 3 and a half months. I haven't had an antidepressant in over two years. This is me. This is my disease, and this is me dealing with it. It's hard. I can easily fall apart at any moment, but I'm strong and have the support of my husband and my children. I am motivated. I will beat this and I will come out on top. I just need one day to cry it all out, really cry it out.

Circle Jerk

So I finally talked to J about the money I owe my school. At first I thought it was owed because of the failed classes I have, but in reality, It would have been a LOT more than that if it were. My classes are about 800$ after their military discount, so I would have had to owe much more. What I realized is that I will probably owe one grand at the end of every year. Unfortunately, since I realized this NOW, I have absolutely no money saved up, as I ended up using all of my savings and everything in my bank account for bills. *sigh.* J says we will have to pay, since we currently need my VA, but to do that, that means we have to dip into his savings, which is meant for the mortgage payments. *sigh* When it rains it pours. Life is just one big circle jerk. So, to make up for it, instead of getting the tattoos I wanted, which we put aside for and is almost a grand, we'll use that money. I was really hoping to finally add my irises and roses to the bouquet of lilies, but I guess that will just have to wait for a while. I mean, I already waited almost 4 years; what's another year?

**********
Things I need to do before I move:
o Deep clean loveseat
o deep clean blue couch
o deep clean blue chair
o clean and sort through craft room
o sort through children's toys
o sort through books
o deep clean futon
o sort through clothing
o clean this goddamn house
o hold garage sale?

BE RID OF BY JULY
o pets
----vaccinate Gary and Jules on Friday of this week, donate them w/ Nam to shelter by Wed/Thurs of next week. (If any of them have room.)
o furniture:
----blue couch
----matching chair
----loveseat
----drop leaf dining table and chairs
----extra dining table
----futon
----toddler bed
o miscellaneous
----80% of the toys (donate to children's hospital)
----clothing that does not fit and has not been worn in the past 3 years.

*Must discuss other things with husband.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OK, so before I forget, last week was our monthly weigh in. I haven't lost any weight, I am still at 143lbs, but I have been gaining muscle and losing inches! I lost an inch in my chest, arms, hips, and calves. Gained an inch in my thighs, but I think that's where most of the muscle is going to as I've been doing a lot of jogging. And the best part for me? I lost TWO INCHES IN MAI WAIST. This is fantastic! I've been sick the past few days so I didn't go to the gym, but I've had so much more stamina, and I have this love/hate relationship with my trainer, so I know he's doing a great job, especially with the results I'm getting.

I hope to be in the 130s by July. I'm stuck at 143, yes, but again, my thighs are full of awesome now. I've been doing squats every day for the past week. I used to not do them at all! Today I ran six laps around the gym. I actually RAN. (Usually I walk/jog for an hour) I hated every minute of it and felt like I was dying, but it was totally worth it. I was able to add that cardio to my regular strength training, which included squats, lifts, crunches, and curls, intermittenly. Tonight, I think I'm going to jump on our stationary bike and do my homework while pedaling. Being distracted really helps in staying with the exercise.

In other news....

I've been VERY depressed the past week or so. I could chalk it up to the fact that I've been sick, but I know it's much more than that. I've just been so stressed and worried about our future and everything that it entails, my mind can't process. The good thing, though, is that Mercury is no longer in retrograde, so my brain has stopped being stupid. It's a lot easier for me to express myself these past couple of days.
I had to have a talk with Lily about this. She has been a terror the past month or so, and it has a lot to do with how I've been treating her. She is a lot more senstive than I realized and I had to sit down with her and explain to her that I really do love her, it's just that I have a lot of going on in my head that makes me forget to tell her and show her just how much. So she and I made a deal. Whenever she feels neglected, she needs to tell me, so that we can spend a bit of one-on-one. It goes both ways. I will now tell her when I am feeling "very sad" so that we can hug it out. I know it sounds super cliché and almost kitschy, but it's the only solution I have that works for us. She and I are very physical people and sometimes we just want to be held.

~*~*~*~

I am so incredibly broke. I just checked my bank account to see if I could pay my trash bill, which is 45$, and I found that I only $7.38 *sigh* I'm going to go crawl into a small hole now. Well, it could be worse.

Unrelated

After reminiscing with my husband, I miss my sexual encounters with females... Don't get me wrong, I very much love my husband, but sometimes I wish he had tits. He would make a very attractive girl. I know this as fact. He likes to wear my dresses and play with my make-up when he is bored and wants a laugh from the girls. I do his hair (I am his hairdresser.) I actually think that's the main reason why I find him physically attractive; he's androgynous in appearance.

I needs female sexual healing. <3

If it's not one thing, it's another

I don't know what I'm going to do. I received an email earlier today from my financial advisor telling me that I owe my school $1075 and that I need to pay it up-front. The problem is that I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY, and if I don't pay, my account will be put on hold and I can't continue my classes. If I don't continue my classes, VA won't send me money. You know, the money I've been using to pay BILLS. I tried to explain this to her, but she informed me that the VA benefits were for education and that I should have used them for that. She's letting me finish my current class, but I don't know how I'm going to find money to pay this off. I'm already broke as it is. The end of the school year is nigh and I'm not going to be called any time soon. I think tomorrow I'm going to have to go to the gas station and beg for a job. Seriously. Or start a "help Vonnie go to school" fund. *sigh* If it's not one thing, it's another.

I haven't told J yer, mostly because I'm embarassed. I'm ashamed that I failed these two classes. I wouldn't have been owing my school this much if I hadn't failed one of my history and on of my english classes. Everything else I have passed, but being married to Mr. 4.0 is a little hard when you have to own up about that. He knows I failed my history class, but not about the English one. He also knew I owed the school 750 from the History class, but not that it's gone up significantly since. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could ask my mom if I could borrow a grand, but that's not fair to her. I'd eventually pay her back, yes, but still.

I feel like I'm falling apart.

Incoherency

FYI. I would just like to state, that if you read any recent posts by me, whether here or on FB, and they seem incoherent and just downright stranger than usual, it's probably because I am drunk, high, or both.

4.

So it's settled...
Next week I'm getting a couple of girl friends to join me in helping me clean and pack up the house. I have about a good month or two before I need to get the major stuff taken care of. We leave for Texas with most of our stuff at the end of May and will be there for the last two weeks of that month. (15-28)

I'm torn on how I'm supposed to feel about this. Sometimes I'm super psyched, other times, I'm so bummed it's hard for me not to burst into tears.

3.

I've been very down the last couple of days. After paying most of my debt, I guess it released a bunch of pent-up stress that I spent the whole night crying. Yesterday, I was so depressed I was immobile. I let the girls watch a bunch of TV (which I normally would not do since I want them to use their minds to tell stories not have someone tell it to them.) and just lay on the floor staring at the ceiling. I canceled my archery lesson and tried, for most of the day, not to burst into tears.

Trying to stay positive is ioncredibly draining. I wish things would get easier now. This waiting game is stressing me out!

WINNING

Read the title of this post as if you were Charlie Sheen.

I seriously feel like a large weight has just lifted off my shoulders. Our tax return came through on Friday, so today, I paid the debt collectors online, IN FULL. All $3,336 that I owed them has been paid and now I only have to worry about the 1,000 that has yet to be paid to the hospitals from this year. Part of what I needed to do to join the military was to pay off old debt. My recruiter said that in this economy, we are all bound to have debt, but if I had too much that spanned for quite some time (in my case, five years), then it would be a problem. I need my credit to not look like someone took a financial chain saw to it. So, I'll be calling the hospitals this Monday and asking them if they have a payment plan option (which they do) at a discount for broke peoples (like me).

Things bought:
J bought us a new stationary bike. It's foldable and lightweight, so we'd be able to tote it around the house. A new desk was bought for Rose, who keeps stealing one of her sisters' desks. It's like musical chairs when it's time to sit down, except one child is usually screaming because she has to sit on the floor.

Things going to buy:
I bought a bunk bed frame for cheap off of the classifieds in the paper not too long ago and need a twin mattress for it. Lily is has grown out of the toddler bed and Rose has been using Lily's toddler bed during nap time. Rose has been wanting to stay out of her crib for the past four months now. The great thing about the frame is that I can just set up half of it instead of the whole thing. If things don't pan out the way we hope with me in the USAF, then we'd move in with my MIL. She already has 2 twin mattresses. We don't want to bring in two more just to shove them in storage. Also, I don't trust Iris and Lily in bunk beds JUST yet; I'll wait until Iris is about 5.

If we have money for it, J and I will also be getting new tattoos. I've been waiting for this for YEARS, but we just never had the funds for it. I hope to add BOTH irises and roses to my bouquet of lilies, but just the irises can do for now if we can't spend too much. The lilies are already in white, so I'll probably do the same with these.

The rest of the money is staying to use as mortgage payments until I a. am a soldier or b. file for bankruptcy. But I'm positive that all of this will pan out. <3

1.

I feel so very old. In less than three months I'll be 25 years old and I feel like I've seen more than my years should allow.


I am so tired. So very tired of this life that I have been living. I'm broke beyond belief. I wish I could say it was due to frivoulous spending, that all my money got me high and fancy things, but all my money went to bills and keeping us stable. J still hasn't found work, no matter how hard he tries. He was denied an extension on his unemployment. His unemployment was what was paying the mortgage.
 
So many debt collectors keep calling me. I've stopped answering my phone. So many of my *stupid* friends keep calling me over their petty drama. I don't answer the phone for them either. I just don't care. I have more SERIOUS shit to worry about. The impending bankruptcy and homelessness my family will face in a few months if I'm not accepted into the military is a little more important than what your S.O. did or did not do. Oh, boo-hoo, he's hurt your feelings. Again. For the umpteenth time...for the past FIVE YEARS. I just don't care. Now, don't get me wrong, I do care about my friends. You can come to me for advice, but if I give you my advice, you either take it or leave it, not ignore it completely and keep asking me for the same damn advice over the same damn situation. I WILL stop answering. The first time, I'll happily give you my advice. The second time, I'll remind you. The third time, I will be annoyed and give you nothing. The fourth, fifth, and sixth time, fuck you. I have more important things to worry about. After a couple of weeks of me not taking your calls, I'll calm down and reconsider.
 
LIFE SUCKS RIGHT NOW. I'm failing my current class. I don't know how we'll pay the mortgage these next few months. I love my moms, but I DO NOT want to have to resort to that. I LIKE being able to say that I have my own mortgage and own my own car and can take care of my kids and my husband is awesome and that I don't depend on my parents to bail me out every month. I pride myself in being in my mid-twenties and being independent. Is this punishment for that pride? Is this a test for my humility? Must I humble myself and seek my faith within to better deal with life? Have I gotten too lazy and comfortable, bloated and swollen from gorging the comforts of life? I hate working my ass off and having everything taken away.
 
On a lighter side, in the past month and a half that I have been going to the gym, I lost 4 pounds. I'll learn more about what else I lost next week when we do our monthly measurements. I'm hoping the reason that I have only lost a few pounds is because I lost more in body fat and gained a bit of muscle. I even quit smoking and drinking to better my lifestyle. Fingers crossed.
 
Now to drown this depression with awesomeness. I'm going to read a book.