Wednesday, March 09, 2011

1.

I feel so very old. In less than three months I'll be 25 years old and I feel like I've seen more than my years should allow.


I am so tired. So very tired of this life that I have been living. I'm broke beyond belief. I wish I could say it was due to frivoulous spending, that all my money got me high and fancy things, but all my money went to bills and keeping us stable. J still hasn't found work, no matter how hard he tries. He was denied an extension on his unemployment. His unemployment was what was paying the mortgage.
 
So many debt collectors keep calling me. I've stopped answering my phone. So many of my *stupid* friends keep calling me over their petty drama. I don't answer the phone for them either. I just don't care. I have more SERIOUS shit to worry about. The impending bankruptcy and homelessness my family will face in a few months if I'm not accepted into the military is a little more important than what your S.O. did or did not do. Oh, boo-hoo, he's hurt your feelings. Again. For the umpteenth time...for the past FIVE YEARS. I just don't care. Now, don't get me wrong, I do care about my friends. You can come to me for advice, but if I give you my advice, you either take it or leave it, not ignore it completely and keep asking me for the same damn advice over the same damn situation. I WILL stop answering. The first time, I'll happily give you my advice. The second time, I'll remind you. The third time, I will be annoyed and give you nothing. The fourth, fifth, and sixth time, fuck you. I have more important things to worry about. After a couple of weeks of me not taking your calls, I'll calm down and reconsider.
 
LIFE SUCKS RIGHT NOW. I'm failing my current class. I don't know how we'll pay the mortgage these next few months. I love my moms, but I DO NOT want to have to resort to that. I LIKE being able to say that I have my own mortgage and own my own car and can take care of my kids and my husband is awesome and that I don't depend on my parents to bail me out every month. I pride myself in being in my mid-twenties and being independent. Is this punishment for that pride? Is this a test for my humility? Must I humble myself and seek my faith within to better deal with life? Have I gotten too lazy and comfortable, bloated and swollen from gorging the comforts of life? I hate working my ass off and having everything taken away.
 
On a lighter side, in the past month and a half that I have been going to the gym, I lost 4 pounds. I'll learn more about what else I lost next week when we do our monthly measurements. I'm hoping the reason that I have only lost a few pounds is because I lost more in body fat and gained a bit of muscle. I even quit smoking and drinking to better my lifestyle. Fingers crossed.
 
Now to drown this depression with awesomeness. I'm going to read a book.
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