Monday, January 17, 2011

Rebuild Me

I'm fidgety.
I can't concentrate.
I want to escape,
to leave,
to go somewhere else
with no one to bother me.
I have been very depressed the past few weeks.
To be honest,
I've been depressed for the past few months.
I can't stand my husband.
I want nothing to do with my children.
I hate this house.
I've been avoiding calls to work.
I've not been doing my homework.
My apathy toward everything is beginning to get to me.
I don't care whether I graduate or not.
I don't care if my children or husband love me.
I dare care about the dog
or all of our damned cats.
I just want to sleep.
I am so done with this life.
The main reason for wanting to join the military,
the only reason I tell anyone who asks,
is because my family needs the money,
needs the benefits.
The other reason,
the reason that I have only mentioned to a close friend,
and am now mentioning to you,
is that I feel empty.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of this life
and so very tired of these feelings.
I want something else.
I want to prove myself.
I want to be a new me,
someone that I don't hate so much.
I abhor the person that I've become.
I hate how she despises being around those she loves.
I hate how she doesn't care about what she looks like,
an overweight mess.
I hate it.
I'm already a week behind in school work,
yet I just don't care.
I just want to be broken down,
Have my entire being,
what I've become,
taken away.
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