Putting My Defenses Up

I'm really trying to move on. I'm really trying to be a better person, a better me.

I've been very depressed lately. I don't have any medication for mood swings, so I've been dealing with my ups and downs on my own. I'm okay with that, but I've been incredibly weepy these past few days. I've had a lot on my mind and it's so exhausting just trying to function.

Everyone keeps asking me what I want to do with my life or what direction I'm headed in. To be honest, I don't know. I just don't fucking know, and I wish everyone would stop asking me. I've only been divorced three-and-a-half months. My last stint in the hospital was only 7 months ago. I have no idea what I'm doing.

I sat and talked to J tonight. It was his birthday, so he spent it with family, but when he got home I came over and kissed the kids goodnight and we sat and talked for a bit about plans for Thanksgiving. We had an argument, like always, but it was based on miscommunication, like always. Anyway, talking about our miscommunication led off to other topics and I finally shared all of my fears, my anger, my pain with him. I sat and cried for about an hour while I told him everything that keeps me up at night.

For once he didn't interrupt me, he didn't argue, he didn't say anything, really. The thing that struck a chord with me, though, was how he explained his alcoholism and how I bailed when things became unsafe. (I don't mean 'bail' in a bad sense; it was something that needed to be done at that time.) When he became a threat to not only himself but to everyone around him, I had to leave, because if I hadn't, I either would have miscarried Lily or died. I was gone for a year. He told me that it was the hardest and most loneliest year of his life, but he got through it. He didn't push it, he didn't chase me, he let me go, and he worked on himself. It was emotionally draining, but he did it, and became better because of it.

At first I thought this was a terrible example considering alcoholism isn't schizophrenia, but then I pondered a bit and started comparing apples to apples. Yes, they are two different diseases, but they are both a battle of your mind, of your will. J will always be an alcoholic. Even if he has been sober for X amount of years, if he slips up, he'll end up back to where he started. It's ingrained into his brain, will always be there, and all he can do is take the steps to stay clean. It's not as simple as just saying no to alcohol, it's a battle of will. It's a responsibility. In way, I'm the same. I will always be a schizophrenic. I'll never escape it; it will always be there. Sure, I can be symptom free for X amount of years, but if I slip up and not take my medication, I'll end up back to where I started. It's part of my chemistry, ingrained into my DNA, and all I can do is take the steps to stay healthy.

I've been so wrapped up in the negative, I forgot what I was supposed to be doing. I'm giving myself time for me. I'm going to stop listening to everyone around me about what they think I should be doing, and follow my heart on what I know I need to do.

Ugh. This will either make or break me.

Goals for 2011

I hope to wish everyone a very happy and prosperous new year.
Below are my goals for this new year. This list is incomplete; I wish to add to it when I have more time.

• lose 20lbs by June (short term)
• lose 40lbs by December (long term)
I currently weigh 140-145lbs, so I think the span of time of losing it all to get down to a reasonable BMI is, well, reasonable. I am only 5ft tall and being this big and unhealthy is causing me a lot of health issues and pain.
• grow out hair
I have not had my hair go past my shoulders since I was 16 years old. I chopped it off into a cute layered bob then and never went back. The longest it's been was to my shoulders, with the shortest being a shaved head. I would like it to be as long and as curly as it was when I was 13 and 14 years old.
• continue spiritual journey
I post-poned my year and a day training due to the holidays and will pick it back up when I've resettled in my home.
• pass all classes
I've been struggling, but I know I can do this. I WANT my college degree.
• talk to family more, specifically Dad and David (brother)
I talk to my dad once in a blue moon, and my brother even less. David is broke, has no internet, no phone, and a wife and child to take care of. I understand his stresses and wish we would communicate more. For 13 years of my life I only knew of him, I don't want that to happen to my children. I want them to know their uncle. Maybe one day we could go to Puerto Rico and visit my side of the family.
• clean the entirity of house
My gods, my house is a WRECK.
• create sacred space in craft room
The craft room is even worse. I would like to have a place where I can worship without being interrupted. I would like to share this area with others as well. I hope to one day create my own spiritual group. Not really a church or coven, but a circle of like-minded friends who can worship together in a space specifically created for that purpose.
• organize and purge
Have I mentioned my house is a wreck?
• get truck fixed
It's been broken for 2 years. My neighbor has been helping out on this.
• spend more time with children
I've been ignoring them lately. I love them to death by they raise my blood pressure and give me such a headache......regardless, I am their mother and need to be a better one.
• do more crafts
• do a craft fair
Mostly so I can make a little money on the side
• get more tattoos
I have a tattoo dedicated to myself (tinker bell--yes, that is TWO words), one to my husband (butterfly), and another, lilies, to my oldest. I would like to add more; roses for Rose, irises for Iris, and a triquetra for my spirituality.
• learn French
I would like to get past colors, numbers, days of the week, months, and seasons. I think my five-year-old knows more French than I do.
• Reduce debt by at least 20%
I wish I could reduce debt by at least 100%. Seriously.