3.

I've been very down the last couple of days. After paying most of my debt, I guess it released a bunch of pent-up stress that I spent the whole night crying. Yesterday, I was so depressed I was immobile. I let the girls watch a bunch of TV (which I normally would not do since I want them to use their minds to tell stories not have someone tell it to them.) and just lay on the floor staring at the ceiling. I canceled my archery lesson and tried, for most of the day, not to burst into tears.

Trying to stay positive is ioncredibly draining. I wish things would get easier now. This waiting game is stressing me out!

WINNING

Read the title of this post as if you were Charlie Sheen.

I seriously feel like a large weight has just lifted off my shoulders. Our tax return came through on Friday, so today, I paid the debt collectors online, IN FULL. All $3,336 that I owed them has been paid and now I only have to worry about the 1,000 that has yet to be paid to the hospitals from this year. Part of what I needed to do to join the military was to pay off old debt. My recruiter said that in this economy, we are all bound to have debt, but if I had too much that spanned for quite some time (in my case, five years), then it would be a problem. I need my credit to not look like someone took a financial chain saw to it. So, I'll be calling the hospitals this Monday and asking them if they have a payment plan option (which they do) at a discount for broke peoples (like me).

Things bought:
J bought us a new stationary bike. It's foldable and lightweight, so we'd be able to tote it around the house. A new desk was bought for Rose, who keeps stealing one of her sisters' desks. It's like musical chairs when it's time to sit down, except one child is usually screaming because she has to sit on the floor.

Things going to buy:
I bought a bunk bed frame for cheap off of the classifieds in the paper not too long ago and need a twin mattress for it. Lily is has grown out of the toddler bed and Rose has been using Lily's toddler bed during nap time. Rose has been wanting to stay out of her crib for the past four months now. The great thing about the frame is that I can just set up half of it instead of the whole thing. If things don't pan out the way we hope with me in the USAF, then we'd move in with my MIL. She already has 2 twin mattresses. We don't want to bring in two more just to shove them in storage. Also, I don't trust Iris and Lily in bunk beds JUST yet; I'll wait until Iris is about 5.

If we have money for it, J and I will also be getting new tattoos. I've been waiting for this for YEARS, but we just never had the funds for it. I hope to add BOTH irises and roses to my bouquet of lilies, but just the irises can do for now if we can't spend too much. The lilies are already in white, so I'll probably do the same with these.

The rest of the money is staying to use as mortgage payments until I a. am a soldier or b. file for bankruptcy. But I'm positive that all of this will pan out. <3

1.

I feel so very old. In less than three months I'll be 25 years old and I feel like I've seen more than my years should allow.


I am so tired. So very tired of this life that I have been living. I'm broke beyond belief. I wish I could say it was due to frivoulous spending, that all my money got me high and fancy things, but all my money went to bills and keeping us stable. J still hasn't found work, no matter how hard he tries. He was denied an extension on his unemployment. His unemployment was what was paying the mortgage.
 
So many debt collectors keep calling me. I've stopped answering my phone. So many of my *stupid* friends keep calling me over their petty drama. I don't answer the phone for them either. I just don't care. I have more SERIOUS shit to worry about. The impending bankruptcy and homelessness my family will face in a few months if I'm not accepted into the military is a little more important than what your S.O. did or did not do. Oh, boo-hoo, he's hurt your feelings. Again. For the umpteenth time...for the past FIVE YEARS. I just don't care. Now, don't get me wrong, I do care about my friends. You can come to me for advice, but if I give you my advice, you either take it or leave it, not ignore it completely and keep asking me for the same damn advice over the same damn situation. I WILL stop answering. The first time, I'll happily give you my advice. The second time, I'll remind you. The third time, I will be annoyed and give you nothing. The fourth, fifth, and sixth time, fuck you. I have more important things to worry about. After a couple of weeks of me not taking your calls, I'll calm down and reconsider.
 
LIFE SUCKS RIGHT NOW. I'm failing my current class. I don't know how we'll pay the mortgage these next few months. I love my moms, but I DO NOT want to have to resort to that. I LIKE being able to say that I have my own mortgage and own my own car and can take care of my kids and my husband is awesome and that I don't depend on my parents to bail me out every month. I pride myself in being in my mid-twenties and being independent. Is this punishment for that pride? Is this a test for my humility? Must I humble myself and seek my faith within to better deal with life? Have I gotten too lazy and comfortable, bloated and swollen from gorging the comforts of life? I hate working my ass off and having everything taken away.
 
On a lighter side, in the past month and a half that I have been going to the gym, I lost 4 pounds. I'll learn more about what else I lost next week when we do our monthly measurements. I'm hoping the reason that I have only lost a few pounds is because I lost more in body fat and gained a bit of muscle. I even quit smoking and drinking to better my lifestyle. Fingers crossed.
 
Now to drown this depression with awesomeness. I'm going to read a book.

a good friend of mine has been in the ICU for the past few days; he had a heart-attack.
i owe over 3000$ in medical debt.
our water heater busted last night; just split open.
j is still unemployed.
i haven't been called to work in a month.
i feel like my world is falling apart.
i have not had a restful night's sleep in a long time.
the love for my children and my faith is what's keeping me sane.
i'm tired of people calling me over their PETTY drama. i'm on the verge of bankruptcy and being homeless; i don't care about their same-shit-different-day bullshit.
i think i'm going to have me a few days of silence for internal contemplation.
i don't want to be here. it's time to regroup.

Purge. Breathe.

So, since I plan to join the military, I need to get rid of a lot of things for whenever we leave her and get stationed somewhere. Even if that plan falls through, we will end up filing for bankruptcy and leaving anyway. I need to figure out homes for the pets, but that won't be for a short while. Right now I just have too much crap in this house.

I don't plan on having any more children any time soon. I've been actively tracking my menstrual cycle online and have made sure that I am careful at all times. Becoming pregnant would be pretty counter-productive at this point. Since I have so much baby stuff saved up from my three children, I will purge what is no longer in use. Rose is currently in 24 mth clothing. Anything from 0-18 months is going to my friend Rei. She just had a baby girl a couple of weeks ago and hasn't stocked up on girl clothes, which I have PLENTY of. I'm giving a bath to my neighbors along with any clothes that are relatively boyish. After I'm done with all of that I have to sort through the ridiculous amount of toys we have and get rid of them. I hope to have been rid of 5 large black garbage bags full of toys. Maybe I can give some to my friends' babies?

So much to do. So little time. I just bought new clothes to do Yoga in for tomorrow. I hope I make it. I need to wake up early if I want to have everything done in time.

Goals

These are goals that I am trying to achieve. Each has a listed time frame and what I am doing to achieve said goal.

• Lose 40lbs (withiin 6 months)

I recently joined a gym at the end of January. It's only been a week and I've lost 3 lbs. If I keep this up, I should lose the amount needed. I've been using sparkpeople.com to track my exercises and food intake. So far so good.

• Join the military (in 6 months)

I have stopped going to counseling to make this happen. I have to be out of it for at least 6 months. Come August, it will be almost 7 months.

• Get a BA degree in History and English (since 2010--4 years)

I go to Ashford and so far have 21 or so credits. I should graduate within the next 3 years. I will have attended AU for a year next month.

• Get a MA in Theology (from 2014--2 years)

[see above]

• Become military clergy (after 6 years)

The guidelines to become clergy in the military are as so: you need to be an officer. To have officer rank, you need a BA or BS. To become clergy you need at least 2 years of religious leadership experience (which I do) and an MA in Theology. [see above]

• Clean and organize my entire house (within 3 months)

My house is a WRECK. I've been doing the little rooms first to work my way up. OH MY GOSH WHY DO I HAVE SO MUCH SHIT.

Military

So I went to the recruiter. Right now, joining the military is a no-go. One thing they look at in the medical records is whether or not one has been through phsyciatric therapy for whatever reason. One has to NOT be in therapy for at LEAST 6 months. I went on Tuesday. *sigh* I understand why this has to be. With so many soldiers going out to war, they have to make sure that they are sending out kids who aren't going to immediately end up with PTSD. The fact that I haven't been on medication for over two years though is a plus! :) Six months. That's how much time I have.

I'm keeping positive with this. This is something I really want and am willing to work hard for. In these next 6 months I'll be making sure I have done everything in my power to get this. We will be saving up as much as we can and paying off any debts we have. (I have a couple grand in medical bills and classes to pay for.) I will continue with my education, so that I can show them I am dedicated and advance in rank. (I already have more than the 20 credits they require for the advancement.) I will exercise daily, upping my daily challenge on DDR, so that I can be in shape for BMT (basic military training). I want good credit, awesome credit hours, and stamina to make this work. The counseling will continue, but off-record.

My bestie, Mary, has her BS in Psychology. She is working on her MS in that area as well and is prepping herself to become a life-coach. I have offered to be her guinea pig. :) It's a win-win situation if you ask me. I get regular counseling (for FREE and off-record) and she gets experience in her desired field.

I'm pumped. I'm super jazzed. Now that I have a goal in mind, I don't feel depressed as much. I think the reason why I was so down was because I felt that my life had no meaning. I was wandering around aimlessly for a WHILE, just hoping, praying, things would work out without any real plan. Now that I have made a light at the end of this tunnel, I can work toward attaining it. I've been actively working on through my crisis plan and currently feel awesome.

I was super bummed yesterday. I let my recruiter know that I had only been going to therapy as a maintenance procedure. I let him be aware that I was molested as a child and damn near killed by my husband as an adult. I wasn't a naturally damaged person, I was just damaged because of the cards I was dealt. It wasn't fair that the actions of others held me back from living a normal mental health. He was sympathetic, but helpful. I know what I have to do. I'm ready. I'm doing this.

Facebook

I started a little meme on Facebook about random facts about oneself. Here are my random facts, just to have as a list if ever anyone decided to ask.


Fact #18: My stepdad was an asshole (abusive) and my bio-dad was never there. The only parent in my life has been my mom, and though she drives me crazy, I still think she's awesome.

Fact #17: I haven't dyed my hair in 5 years.

Fact #16: I am jack of all trades, and master of none. Any skill I have acquired over the years is mediocre at best. I got skills, though. Mad skills.

Fact #15: My husband dresses me. He and my mom buy my clothes. If I dressed myself, I'd resemble an acid trip or something out of an 80s music video.

Fact #14: I am shy when I *first* meet people.

Fact #13: I have an oral fixation that I have been taming with cigarettes since I was 13. Before then, I chewed on everything.

Fact #12: I have a fascination with breasts. No matter what size or shape they are I.must.touch.them. I grope myself frequently because of this.

Fact #11: I must stay active even when being "still." I jiggle my legs when I sit; I sway when I stand

fact #10: I must be standing to cut something. Teachers constantly asked me if I wanted to sit down when doing arts and crafts because I had to do everything standing up.

Fact #9: In my child and teen years I read adult fiction. In my adult years, I read teen fiction. :)

Fact #8: If I buy a book from a series, every book in that series must have the same style binding, i.e. all paperback. In my shelves Harry Potter and House of Night is all paperback, while all of Twilight is hardback.

Fact #7: In my 24yrs of life, I've tried to commit suicide twice (once when I was 12, the other when I was 18) and failed both times because I didn't do it right.

Fact #6: I have electronic fail. I've broken almost every computer we have ever owned.

Fact #5: I had a sticker collection between ages 9 and 13 that ended with over 4000 stickers.

Fact #4: I can only eat an even number of anything, such as 2 m&m's or 6 marshmallows, etc.

Fact #3: My bestie, Andy, calls me "oak bark" due to one night looking through Scentsy products and talking about the colors of vaginas.

Fact #2: English, my primary language, is actually my 2nd language.

Fact #1: I think clowns are scary. I really, really, really, REALLY don't like clowns.

Stuff And Things

So...
I have a set date to talk to a recruiter. I will head out to the Air Force recruiter, or at least one of them, in Omaha on Thursday at 1:30. I plan on taking my ASVAB some time next week. I'm really psyched about this. I remember how much fun I had in JROTC. Granted, I know it wasn't hard-core or anything, but I was loving every minute of it. Also, I am hot in a uniform. ;)

I went to a new psychologist today and we made a crisis plan. I really don't think I need it, but I was honest with her on how I feel. It would be nice to just continue for now just so that I can vent to an unbiased flesh-and-blood person. I love writing here, but it's never enough. She at least understood, kind of, my need for not wanting meds. I really, really, REALLY hate being on medication. My next appointment with her is next Tuesday.

I need to get in shape, at least in some sort of shape that is not LAZY. I know ROUND is a shape, but not the shape I need, so I pulled out the DDR mat and played it for 15 minutes on the free workout mode. I set my goal for 150 and burned 172 cals for tonight. I'm setting my goal for 250 tomorrow.

I'm pumped. I haven't felt this good in a while. One thing on my crisis plan was to try scheduling time for every activity. Since I'm currently avoiding calls for work due to my bronchitis, I need to plan my days first thing. Maybe I'll just do it in a minute. I really need to get my life in order. One thing at a time, though.

One step at a time...

School

I passed my last class. I don't know how, but I did. Barely. I have a D, but that's better than nothing. It means I now have 27 credits under my belt. It means that when I join the military, I have the chance of advancing in rank faster. I wish I already had a degree so that I could join as an officer and become clergy.

I feel ill today. Jittery. I feel like I'm running on a caffeine high. I'm exhausted, though. I stayed up until 2 in the morning with my youngest, who is sick and miserable, so I cuddled with her until she relaxed enough to fall back to sleep. My heart is racing and I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Things to do today. Life changing things. I have an appointment with a new psychologist today as well as going to see a recruiter. I'm thinking of buying my husband an anniversary gift while I'm out. Our 6yr is in a week and I have nothing.

Rebuild Me

I'm fidgety.
I can't concentrate.
I want to escape,
to leave,
to go somewhere else
with no one to bother me.
I have been very depressed the past few weeks.
To be honest,
I've been depressed for the past few months.
I can't stand my husband.
I want nothing to do with my children.
I hate this house.
I've been avoiding calls to work.
I've not been doing my homework.
My apathy toward everything is beginning to get to me.
I don't care whether I graduate or not.
I don't care if my children or husband love me.
I dare care about the dog
or all of our damned cats.
I just want to sleep.
Sleep

Sleep

Sleep

I am so done with this life.
The main reason for wanting to join the military,
the only reason I tell anyone who asks,
is because my family needs the money,
needs the benefits.
The other reason,
the reason that I have only mentioned to a close friend,
and am now mentioning to you,
is that I feel empty.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of this life
and so very tired of these feelings.
I want something else.
I want to prove myself.
I want to be a new me,
someone that I don't hate so much.
I abhor the person that I've become.
I hate how she despises being around those she loves.
I hate how she doesn't care about what she looks like,
an overweight mess.
I hate it.
Hate

Hate

Hate

I'm already a week behind in school work,
yet I just don't care.
I just want to be broken down,
Have my entire being,
what I've become,
taken away.

Last Resort

Next Thursday it will 7 months since my husband was laid off. We are struggling and it is becoming frustating. I am depressed. I have pushed away from my family, prefering being on the computer where no real interaction has to occur, keeping my distance from my husband and my children. I have very little skills. The skills I do have are not enough to get me a job that pays more than minimum wage. I have three small children, a mortgage, and a car loan to pay off. My husband and I are both going to school, and even though the girls have state medical insurance and we are on Food Stamps and WIC, my husband and I do not have medical insurance. I currently have bronchitis. I feel like shit and it hurts to breathe. I'm sick of not being able to buy what I need, making sacrifices so that my children don't notice the rammifications of their father being unemployed and their mother not being able to make enough to take care of them.

I'm at a crossroads. I've decided to lose some weight (just a few pounds, I'm not past the limit) and get better. I can't live like this anymore; WE can't live like this anymore. We are in so much debt, not because we have been frivoulous, on the contrary, we are extremely frugal, but because we are young, with children, and have many bills to pay. My husband has excellent skills, and yet he still can't get a job. He can't go back into the military because he was kicked out. The idea of the military was the last resort, and that's where I come in. I'm, for the most part, healthy. I can join. I wish to be a part of something that my children can look up to me for. I'm horribly useless in this house in this state. We need the money, we need the benefits, and J would be able to stay home with the children just like he always wanted and I get to take care of them financially just like I always wanted. It's a win-win in my head. Am I delusional?

If I am able to join, I'm not sure, due to the constant popping of my knees and the fact that I'm FAT ;), I hope to become clergy. I love the idea of it, and technically am through the Hosannah Bible Institute, but I would like to help people in a spiritual sense. (I suck at helping with anything else.) I'm actually pretty jazzed about the idea. I'd miss my family terribly for two whole months, but I'd get in shape and get paid and be able to take care of my family, which is extremely important to me. I have my fingers crossed. I'll be calling a recruiter Tuesday.

School

I don't know if I passed my last class. Good lord, I really hope I did.
First off, let me remind you that I am currently both and English AND History major. After failing my European History class, I decided to put that in the back seat and focus more on literature and writing...two of my favorite pasttimes.

My intro to lit class started yesterday. I don't know what to think about it yet. It's already been a pain in the ass for me for, though the learning materials for the class were free, they are only available on the campus website. I had to download the book BY CHAPTERS, which was incredibly annoying. I hate that I have to read it on the laptop. I would print it out, but that is a LOT of paper and I don't want to waste perfectly good ink and paper on something I am only going to use for this class.

My teacher has requested that we all keep a journal for this class to write down our thoughts of the topics of this class. I've decided to just type everything here and whenever she needs it, I can always link it or copy+paste.

IT'S FUCKING COLD HERE. The weather was so terrible on the IA/NE border that I have been staying at my friend Mary's house since Saturday. It's been good times. The whole family is here.

Goals for 2011

I hope to wish everyone a very happy and prosperous new year.
Below are my goals for this new year. This list is incomplete; I wish to add to it when I have more time.

• lose 20lbs by June (short term)
• lose 40lbs by December (long term)
I currently weigh 140-145lbs, so I think the span of time of losing it all to get down to a reasonable BMI is, well, reasonable. I am only 5ft tall and being this big and unhealthy is causing me a lot of health issues and pain.
• grow out hair
I have not had my hair go past my shoulders since I was 16 years old. I chopped it off into a cute layered bob then and never went back. The longest it's been was to my shoulders, with the shortest being a shaved head. I would like it to be as long and as curly as it was when I was 13 and 14 years old.
• continue spiritual journey
I post-poned my year and a day training due to the holidays and will pick it back up when I've resettled in my home.
• pass all classes
I've been struggling, but I know I can do this. I WANT my college degree.
• talk to family more, specifically Dad and David (brother)
I talk to my dad once in a blue moon, and my brother even less. David is broke, has no internet, no phone, and a wife and child to take care of. I understand his stresses and wish we would communicate more. For 13 years of my life I only knew of him, I don't want that to happen to my children. I want them to know their uncle. Maybe one day we could go to Puerto Rico and visit my side of the family.
• clean the entirity of house
My gods, my house is a WRECK.
• create sacred space in craft room
The craft room is even worse. I would like to have a place where I can worship without being interrupted. I would like to share this area with others as well. I hope to one day create my own spiritual group. Not really a church or coven, but a circle of like-minded friends who can worship together in a space specifically created for that purpose.
• organize and purge
Have I mentioned my house is a wreck?
• get truck fixed
It's been broken for 2 years. My neighbor has been helping out on this.
• spend more time with children
I've been ignoring them lately. I love them to death by they raise my blood pressure and give me such a headache......regardless, I am their mother and need to be a better one.
• do more crafts
• do a craft fair
Mostly so I can make a little money on the side
• get more tattoos
I have a tattoo dedicated to myself (tinker bell--yes, that is TWO words), one to my husband (butterfly), and another, lilies, to my oldest. I would like to add more; roses for Rose, irises for Iris, and a triquetra for my spirituality.
• learn French
I would like to get past colors, numbers, days of the week, months, and seasons. I think my five-year-old knows more French than I do.
• Reduce debt by at least 20%
I wish I could reduce debt by at least 100%. Seriously.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

• I've been spending my winter break in Texas with family since Dec 18th. We're here 'til Jan 3rd.
• I'm stressed.
• I'm glad to be visiting. I have been having a great time with family and getting much needed rest.
• I'm stressed.
• J & I are still unemeployed.
• J's unemeployment caps out soon. I don't know what we will do when it does.
• I'm stressing.
• I have to pay 750$ to school for a failed class with money that I don't have.
• I'm stressing.
• I have so much that I want to do to the house, but no money for it.
• We were given a lot of money for the holidays. I'm going to buy the girls a new bunk bed with it and save the rest for later.
• My body hurts and I'm stressed.
• I'm going to make a booty call to my husband so I can sto stressing.

Dear friends

I'm going into business for myself and I am looking for my start-up customers. Would any of you be interested? This is the line of work I will be doing : http://www.pureromance.com/

See You In December

NaNoWriMo (full post)

The last post was just a snippet. This is the real deal. :D

So, first, HAPPY OCTOBER 31st for everyone who celebrates this day for whatever reason it may be, be it Pagan, Christian, or Secular.

Now that that's out of my system, I would like to mention a very important event coming up in just 24 hours. November is National Novel Writing Month, NaNoWriMo for short, NaNo for even shorter. This is the time when 23628756874568 (this is a real number, I promise you) want-to-be writers compete in writing a novel, a story consisting of a MINIMUM of 50,000 words, in 30 days or less. The entire month of November is full of broken pens and pencils, undiluted amounts of caffeine consumption, trashed papers, bloody laptop keys, etc. all in the name of SCIENCE, I mean, NOVEL-ING (is that even a word?) !!

Anyway, for the past three years I have attempted, and failed, at writing a coherent 50k. This year will probably be no different, though I will still be trying to reach that elusive 50k. I'm getting closer each year. I WILL DO IT THIS YEAR EVEN IF IT EATS MY SOUL!!!! So be warned: I may need dialogue and/or material for my novel, so be careful what you say or post around me. I no longer have 2 jobs, and even though I still have school, I now have a LOT of free time on my hands for writing.

I will be "INCOMUNICADO" for the ENTIRE month of November. Sort of. The first two weeks I have to work and I still have homework to do throughout. I also have Thanksgiving and religious gatherings. BUT other than that, DO NOT call, text, email, knock-on-my-door, etc me unless it is an emergency. If you are having a baby, or dying, or something, ONLY THEN will I care. Anything else and I'll growl and hiss at you from behind my lappy or do some hand-wavy-thing that means "go away" in some old tribal sign language.

SEE YOU IN DECEMBER WHEN NANO HAS EATEN MY SOUL!!!!!
Start taking bets now to see how much of my sanity I still have left by then.

National Novel Writing Month

NaNoWriMo in just 24 hours.
Insanity, here I come.

I already quit one job (not for NaNo, but still a good thing) and am only working the first 2 weeks in November at the other job. I will be OUT OF TOUCH for the ENTIRE MONTH OF NOVEMBER.

Have a wonderful and safe October 31st!

Life

two jobs. three kids. two majors.
part-time hostess. part-time sub. full-time mom. part-time homeschooler. full-time student.

life is so busy & so stressed right now, i sometimes wish i could just blow my brains out.

also, i'm learning archery.

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