After a few sessions in therapy/counseling, I have come to the conclusion that J has had a control problem throughout our relationship and marriage. Mother, form the beginning, told me he did, but I didn't see it. I didn't see it until now.

J always wanted me to be this perfect wife. I wanted to be this perfect wife for him, not because I felt I had to change, but because I wanted to make him happy. The problem was that I am not this perfect wife. I'm just the perfect me. With all my dysfunctions and problems, my flaws, faults, and issues; to be the perfect wife I would have to block out my eccentric personality to a point where I just couldn't be myself. During one of our arguments, J complained about how his friends could easily "figure me out" and that it embarrassed him. It embarrassed him that people who barely knew me time span-wise, knew me personality-wise. They had pinpointed what made me tick and how I reacted to things. He then asked me why I was so un-phased by it, how I could just sit there and not care. Simple, I have nothing to hide from anyone. Yet he was embarrassed by that, as if my personality was something to be ashamed of.

Another thing that irked me was back in March when I had asked him if it was okay if I joined a Pagan-based folk-like band. I had talked to the head of the group and we were both looking forward to meeting each other and possibly forming a good bond. I was looking forward to also finally having something to do and people to talk to. J said no. His reason, that I would then get involved into the group and not have the initiative to get a job or do anything else with my life. I was very upset about this. I felt that he had little faith in me. But recently while I was pondering upon this, I came to terms with the fact that J knows me. He knows how I am. I'm very articulate and outgoing. I make friends easily and can multitask quite efficiently. I'm a Gemini, it's in my nature. He knew this. SO I began reflecting on this and came to the deduction that his main reason was that he thought I would get so involved with these people that he wouldn't get any attention.

He wanted me for himself. As flattering as it was, when you see it through a different perspective, it's a bit unnerving. He wanted me to be solely dependant on him, to be happy with just his company. I always wondered why he was so unhappy that I sometimes just wanted someone else to talk to. I love my husband, yes, but sometimes, you just can't sit in a place twenty four hours a day and only be able to interact physically and mentally with just one person. He would say I have all these friends; true, but all my friends, everyone whom I had a relationship with, were all back home in Texas or in different states and even countries. He could get calls from someone to come over and just hang out. What did I get? A call from someone, yes, but asking how I was. That's as far as the interaction could go. I couldn't go to a friend's house.

He'd take me to his friend's houses, yes, but most of the time I felt awkward and out of place there. I didn't know these people like he did. They weren't my friends, they were his. It's nice that he wanted to share them, but it just wasn't the same. The people knew J in a different way than I did, and vice versa. I don't think he realised that, and if he did, he surely didn't understand it.

Another thing I've come to conclude is that he hasn't completely come to accordance to what he did. I understand I am difficult and manipulative. I learned how to be so at a young age, but as much as he wants to blame his actions upon me, he chose to react the way he did. He feels that abuse is abuse no matter what label you put on it. I understand that, and agree to some degree, but I do believe that physical abuse and emotional abuse are two separate forms. You can be internally, emotionally, mentally scarred for life with things said to you, but you can die from things done to you. I may have been cruel and mean, which I still don't know how I have been, but I'll accept that I have, but he could have easily lived through that with only his ego hurt. Yet on the other hand, I could have died and he would have been none the wiser. The only way emotional abuse can kill you is if you let it consume you and you go and kill yourself. He also believes that I want him in jail out of spite and anger. Imbecile. He committed a crime, and he has yet to understand that.

Frankly, I wash my hands of this.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"

...

I have come to the realisation that I will never be happy. I'm not writing this out of self-pity or self-sympathy, but out of truth. I will always be miserable because I will never be happy. As much as I hate to admit it, and as much as I tried to run from it, I am my mother. I am stubborn, bitter, scorned, and will never be satisfied. And as much as I can love and be loved I will never be able to be happy and to make anyone else happy. All in all, I have screwed my own self over, but at least I won't lie to myself anymore.

've been thinking more than usual lately about all of the desicions that I have to make in the near future. There is just so much that has to be done. Right now I'm just trying to see and do things a little at a time, but it's hard not to have my brain constantly turning things over in my head.

...

I'm going to start working soon. I'm not quite sure when, yet for everyone has to move into the new building and I have to go through the interview process. With the job set in place, and now that I have WIC and will soon get Food Stamps, I quite confident that all things will play out as need be. I'm hoping to get enough money to have my own apartment once little Lily/John is born. I don't wnt to keep staying at my mother's house. My family's a bit two-faced and if they help you out they tend to throw it back at you and make you "selfish" if you can't help them, whether it's a legitimate excuse or not. I'm not going to get into that, I've gone off-topic. But even if I have to get section 8 to help with a place to live, I will have one shortly after the baby is born. I've come to the desicion that no matter how much I love J, I can't go back. I'm going to stay here where I'm the happiest. I know I'm home on not the greatest circumstances, but I'm happy at home. This is where I belong and it took me a while to realise that.

If all goes well, I'm going to try and take a few classes. I need to go back to school. If I can't get into the community college, or if I have little time to do so juggling work and a baby, then I'll try online courses instead. I'm going for a BA in English with certifiction so that I may teach, and I've been contemplating getting a degree in Theology. I could also get a non-denominational minsiter's lisecnse. I love both things, so finger's crossed until then.

I also don't know what the future really holds for J and me. I want us to be happy and to raise the family we planned, but I just don't know anymore. There's so much that has happened and so much unhappiness with each other, I'm not sure if it would work anymore. Maybe I've just exhausted myself with thought and I need some more time. This all really needs time.

Everything lately seems as if it has been falling apart. My marriage, my family, my friends...the list can continue with all that's been happening.

Lucy and her children have been through hell and back. Everything with her husband is falling to pieces and her daughters are suffering as well. They are all going through everything I am, but I can understand Lucy and her girl's confusion. I wish I could talk to them. I've been in the same spots as they, and maybe with a bit of insight, they can make their decision. NO one deserves to go through abuse and neglect in that way. No one. I’ve gone through this before and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

...

I don't know what to say to him anymore. J and my marriage started falling apart long before we were ever married. It's sad that it had to do so in this way, especially now with a baby on the way, but what else could I really do but run? I'm quite sure he thinks I want him in jail out of spite, but it's not that. He committed a crime and thus must pay for it. I know he's seeking counseling, but he still committed a crime. You just can't forget things like that. Maybe someday he will understand where I am coming from, but until then, all we need now is time to heal. I'm tired of this mess and all I want is to take care of myself and my unborn child. I know everything falling apart is not entirely his fault. He messed up, badly, but he snapped as well. I'm a rather difficult person to live with and I just wouldn't budge. I don't exactly know how. I've tried, but I hide behind the wall I've built. I don't think anything can change that. I'm going to continue trying, but I cannot get my hopes up on it. I'm bitter, and what's sad is that I'm not even twenty years old.

...

I've been taking care of my sister's kids this past week. They are both a handful but at least they behave when it's necessary. Sol is going through some major issues right now with her eyesight. I’m very worried and don't know what to say to her, so I try and lighten the mood with a quick joke or anecdote. She had surgery yesterday to try and fix the damage that was done. She's been having blood leaks in her eyeball. It's pretty bad in her right eye, but her left eye is now suffering as well. I'm petrified that she will become blind and disabled. She doesn't deserve that. She is the closest thing I have in this family, and I just want what’s best for her. She's a wonderful person, and it's frustrating that I can't do a thing to help her except be there for her when she needs me and pray.

...

I'm so depressed and emotionally exhausted with everything. I wish constantly that it will all go away so. That time will pass and all will heal and return to a semblance of normalcy. My baby is the only thing keeping me alive.

Monthly Stuff...School...ew!

This is like how the school year's gonna be...I'm really bored, so I have to occupy my mind with something...

Aug 7-9----Fish Camp and Registration
Aug 14-20--Teacher Work Days
Aug 21-----First Day of School
Sep 03-----Labor Day Holiday
Oct 18-----Early Out
Oct 19-----Ft. Hood Family Day (Holiday)
Oct 29-----Teacher Work Day
Nov 12-----Veteren's Day Holiday
Nov 21-23--Thanksgiving Vacation
Dec 20-----Early Out
Dec 21-31--Chritsmas Vacation
Jan 01-04--Winter Vacation
Jan 18-----Early Out
Jan 19-----No school
Jan 21-----Martin Luther King, Jr. Holiday
Jan 29-----Teacher Work Day
Feb 07-08--Teacher Work Day
Feb 18-----No School
Mar 18-22--Spring Vacation
Mar 29-----Easter Holiday
Apr 05-----Early Out
May 03-----No School
May 27-----No School
June 6-----Last Day of School
June 7-----Teacher Work Day

School...before it even starts

Argh! School starts in a week and like something days. (Aug. 21) I so want to go so that way I can get a vacation from my mother. YES!

These are the classes I'm taking:

1st Term
ROTC 2
AP English 2
Choir Varsity
Geometry

2nd Term

ROTC 2
AP World Geography
Choir Varsity
INPC (Physics and Chem)

It's not technically in that order but close enough. I hope my ID picture came out good, though. I have to go to Drill Team practice all next week at 8 am. Monday and Thursday is from 8 to 4 pm. And then Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday is up until 11 am. So I'm gonna be happy those days. I'm still on spinning probation which sucks, b/c I LOVE spinning my rifle. But now I can't until after school starts. :(

Arturo, my ex, poked me in the boob yesterday. I was sitting next to him during our lunch break and he was like, "Did your boobs grow? 'Cause they seem bigger" And then he poked it. And Luis said yeah, that they had grown...and I said so, also. But he didn't have to poke it!And they are still growing b/c they are incredibly so sore right now. I have the curse of the big-breasted family...And it sucks!

I got all my school supplies today. Well, actually the folders that I needed for my binder. I'm gonna have such a weird mix in there. I got Winnie the Pooh, Mickey Mouse, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears and N*Sync. Talk about a mess of folders in there!!!

Well, I'm talking to Vanessa right now on IM's. We're making fun of Zeke....well, I am...he left today with his girlfriend to PA. And I'm over here making smart ass comments... :) Just like a Puertorra...gotta luv me!

My boob still hurts...and I have to pee... *sigh*
Well...what was I going to say again? I'm at a blank...

My mom found out yesterday through Chris's mom why Chris and I broke up. So we had a very long concersation and discussion about the whole ordeal. She asked Chris to come over today so that way she could talk to him and I could talk to him better than sending e-mail.

He left about 15 minutes ago. My mom put how she felt about this and how she agreed and disagreed with our choices, then Chris and I talked and this time I actually talked better than just sitting there like a moron and not saying anything. I told him the whole story ike it was, how I felt and everything, and he listend and he understood better. Now we're friends. Now we no longer feel awkward talking to each other and stuff and we both feel a lot better now being able to understand both of our views...

Well, that's about it now...so I'll talk more later when I calm down and finish cleaning.

Sprained

I busted my wrist today in Drill Team practice. Damn stupid wooden rifle. Now I can't spin it for another week and a half. So I'm going to be running on errands and stuff, just watch. But anyways, these damn freshmen are getting on my nerves. They won't let any of the drill teams practice, they all have an attutude problem, and I'm about to kick all of their asses.

Well, I have to shut up and go to church now b/c my ride just got here and I have to eat.

Oh, and almost forgot....Happy sweet 15, Quinceñera...whatever, Vaness....you know what I meant!

Fish Camp

You know what sucks?? I have to be at school these up coming weeks and school hasn't even started yet!! Today starts the official day of Fish Camp. It's a before-school-starts kind of camp for the incoming Freshmen (fish) at our high school. Me, as a former fish in ROTC, has to help out the other incoming fish to learn hohw to march and spin a rifle and all that good stuff. Which I really do not want to do. So it's like 7:10 in the morning and I'm sitting here in my underwear and a towel wondering...why am I doing this?? Most of my friends are on the Male Drill Team so I don't have to worry about being alone. But I still don't want to do it. I have to be there by 9 am. I'm actually going to be there at around 8:15 considering the fact that I still haven't had my ID for school done yet. (I broke the camera) :)

Vanessa's grounded. I have no idea for how long, but she got caught sneaking out of the house or back in...one of those two. She said she was just out and about. :( She needs to get off groundation though. And Arthur's probably still grounded, too

Well, My long ass hair is getting the chair and stuff wet b/c it's dripping, so I'm going to go put some clothes on now!

Nothing New...Just the Usual

I'm on the internet talking to friends...Jill said Hi to me. :) Bernadtte and I are having a serious convo about our feelings about Humberto...

I came home from PR today. I left Saturday, the 21. I came home around 5:30 pm and my mom wouldn't let me do a damn thing when I got home, so I had to stay home....

I met my real father for the first time ever on the 23. My mom was walking down the street in the pueblo and she spots him in a Beauty Supply store with his wife. She introduced us. I was about to cry. I was thankful I held back all those tears that I felt coming. All I did was look at the floor. I asked him for his address and stuff and he gave it to me. But that was a very unwanted reunion. It came to fast...and nothing was planned, and like always, my mother pissed me off afterward.

We rented a golf cart on my mom's birthday and rode around Palmas Del Mar for the whole day. It was pretty fun because we all took turns driving it. That day was also the Puerto Rican Independence Day. (July 25)

Friday, the 27, my Tio Juan took us to Poncé. It's a very pretty place. We stayed at the Hotel Meliá for three days. He took us to Castillo Seralles, and Hacienda Buena Vista. But they were boring because it felt like I was in History class on a field trip. A Puerto Rican history class.

That was my whole 2 weeks in PR. Talk about seriously boring. I got to watch The Score, starring Robert De Niro. It was a good movie. But I am so glad to be finally home!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sorry, I just felt aggitated and felt like "screaming".

I went to my old youth class up in FWWM today! I had so much fun and everyone was glad to see me again. We made little autograph book and stuff in class. Karl told me to come back to church NOW! and in his words! So I guess I have missed them a lot. Brandy was practically bouncing off the cieling when she saw me and I gave her a present of a Sailor Moon poster for her birthday. I feel so happy!

I went to the movies today and saw Legally Blonde. I so loved that movie! It's so funny! I can't wait for college. I'm thinking of going to Harvard, but not law. I'm taking meteorology. Tom, Cris and I went to see it. I liked it. But you know guys these days and chick flicks. Well, later!!! :)

I'm talking to my sister and Nessa online. My sister's being a dork...family trait. But anyways, I get to go to the pool today with Nathalia. I'm hoping to talk to Chris about what next today, too. This month has been pretty hectic and today I finally get a break. My day off, and i"ve been waiting for a while. My calendar is a mess...

I got Sunday Church services at 10.30 am on July 1, 8, and 15. I have Chruch Choir Rehersal on Mondays the 2, 9, and 16. Then I had a campaña for three days for the 6, 7, and 8. The I have Tuesday service for 3, 10, and 17, and then a meeting for choir on the 11 with a FWWM youth class on the 18. I'm going to the pool with Nessa today and next week, 19, I have to start packing and spend my day with Jenny M. Then of course I have my friday services at 7:30 Pm. Then Saturday, 21, i leave at 6 in the morning for PR and I don't come home until the 31!!! So, i need this day off...I just hope it doesn't turn out to be a bad one.... :(

Chris called me today around 3:30 pm. He got the e-mail and he sounded really upset. I was bawling on that phone and crying my eyes out. I could hear his hurt and dissappiontment in his voice...he's gonna dump me, I know it... :( Well, I'm going to go to bed, I just got home from church. Cris apologized, I didn't even care or even listen. I never wanted it to end this way! AH! I'm so upset!

The dreaded thing happen! The one thing I thought I wouldn't do again! The one thing I promised Chris I wouldn't do! And I did it! I can't believe it!! I'm so upset with myself! I have to tell him right away! This is the letter that I've e-mailed him today...

The e-mail is below...

Subject :
please read the whole thing!! --vonnie

Date :
Mon, 9 Jul 2001 01:51:14 EDT

Chris,

From the get go, I just want to say that I am tremendously sorry, I had no
idea why this happened and that I love you the same as I always have. Now
remember on Saturday how I was curious to know what would happen if you found
out if you had made out w/ another guy? Well, I jynx myself.

I'm so sorry. It happened today (Sunday) at the movies with Cris Brown. Now
don't be going to church and killing him. OK? I blame myself, even though he
was the one who grabbed my face and kissed me, I still kissed back. I'm
sorry. I never wanted to do something so stupid like that!

I know you probably hate me right now...and I can't belive I even did that. I
don't know why, and I don't even know how. I'm being honest with you becuase
I don't want you to be finding this out by someone else, and I know I'm
seriously risking a shit load, just everything...but I'm sorry. I have to be
honest with you. I can never lie or keep something from you. And I never
will. You are my everything, and I just ruined it. Everything that I ever
had, I just lost for doing the most stupidest and most retarded thing I have
ever done. I let my hormones get the best of me. And it's my fault...

Don't be mad at Cris. Be mostly mad at me, b/c I don't want anything more
worse to happen. I'm in tears right now, so I am REALLY SORRY. I'm
emotionally sorry, and as a person in general...I'm a very sorry person for
doing this. I never thought I would do something like this!!

If your mad at me, like beyond pissed off, I understand. If you're going to
dump me, I seriously understand. And I just want to let you know that even
though I know your going to make my life a living hell...more than it already
is...I'll still love you and I'll still regret kissing Cris...please forgive
me...eventually. I know it will take time...

I'm sorry. Call me as soon as you get this if you want or e-mail me or
whatever...
I'm sorry...

Much Love Always and Forever,
Vonnie



I'm still in shock from it all!!! Argh! :( I don't know what to think anymore!

I finally got to talk to Chris after this big week of total silence and stress! I've been so busy. He tells me Christen and Grant are having problems b/c Grant was making out with other girls...I wonder what would happen if that happened with me and Chris?? I asked him today and he said he would disown me...I so hope I can keep my word. I promised him I'd never do it... But I have to go, b/c I have church tomorrow morning...

ID4 2k1

I went to the carnival, and I just got home. My feet are killing me. I was there from 7:30 up until it closed which was at midnight. I waited for Nessa and Amber to go, but I guess they couldn't make it.

Well, the fireworks were pretty cool. I met up with some old buddies from HHHS. And I met Cris Brown's friends and stuff and I got phone numbers and then some...but Cris Brown and I made our own little fireworks when we were watching them...

Well, like I said, my feet hurt, I'm not exactly tired but I'm going to go lie down and meditate now...

Typical Guy!

Guys! They are so stupid! Thank goodness I'm bi! I got girls to back me up when I need it, and they can treat me right! Vanessa's having a few probs, and as her personal teenaged shrink I was kinda helpin her out.

Well, she goes w/ Amber, but Zeke is kinda screwing with Nessa's head. So she's all confused. So us girls are sitting here reading his journal entry and he lays it out like Nessa and his g/f are some type of exhibits! And Nessa's "B". I was like...Jesus! Hell, I'd be like...sorry, but i aint no exhibit B...get your own damn lab, and keep me away from it...your stuck with a...b/c i'm a human being and i'm gonna be talked about as one!

If I was talkin about a girl I wanted to be with and some guy I wanted to be with I would not make them box 1 and 2, I would use thier names...I mean, they do have one!! Well, Nessa's gonna go post her "exhibit B" comment! ::devious smile:: Smell ya later!