Typical Guy!

Guys! They are so stupid! Thank goodness I'm bi! I got girls to back me up when I need it, and they can treat me right! Vanessa's having a few probs, and as her personal teenaged shrink I was kinda helpin her out.

Well, she goes w/ Amber, but Zeke is kinda screwing with Nessa's head. So she's all confused. So us girls are sitting here reading his journal entry and he lays it out like Nessa and his g/f are some type of exhibits! And Nessa's "B". I was like...Jesus! Hell, I'd be like...sorry, but i aint no exhibit B...get your own damn lab, and keep me away from it...your stuck with a...b/c i'm a human being and i'm gonna be talked about as one!

If I was talkin about a girl I wanted to be with and some guy I wanted to be with I would not make them box 1 and 2, I would use thier names...I mean, they do have one!! Well, Nessa's gonna go post her "exhibit B" comment! ::devious smile:: Smell ya later!

Witching Hour....

It just turned midnight right when I opened this to update it! Man, that's kinda cool, though. I'm still awake, I still haven't slept, and I still feel like shit.

My mom took me to see the Velez's and we gave Juan his old Father's Day gift that we couldn't give him b/c we couldn't go...and then we went to the Soto's to give Jackie her Congrats, Grad card since we weren't able to before, and then we went to the Castellanos' and I got my grub on w/ some salad.

My mom had to talk to Carmine while she was there, b/c Carmine has being making up stories that could get people in a big mess. To our company she was saying that our house was dirty, that I was straight up lazy and didn't do shit around the house, that my mom didn't cook and had to go to Ary's house to eat food and this other bullshit...and then she started PMSing b/c we didn't give her pictures. For one thing, the pictures that she had in her hand were the wrong ones...but, oh, well...

But other than that, my day was the same like usual. Nothing out of the ordinary. I have to go to my church's garage sale in about 8 hours...but I still feel suicidal...you know what I mean? I just feel so alone at times....which pisses my best friends off. ::jason:: And I know it would seriously bother my boyfriend...

I know I should just let things go and live on...but it's easier said than done. It's been a traumatizing 6 years...it's not that easy...

I've gotten into the habit of hurting myself again...it's actually rather easy now. All I have to do is burn myself...it's not even that hard. I spread salt on the area I want, put and ice cube on it, hold it for a minute...the process stings for a while b/c it's burning skin, but the ice also numbs it in a way...and then release. Wipe off any excess salt and you're done...You have a fresh burn that hurts like a mug in the next 24 hours...

Well, my leg just fell asleep, and I'm still wide awake...

Emotions...

Emotions

It's hard to accept
When your heart is frozen solid
You want to feel
What others feel,
But somehow
You can't...

Your emotions are something
I will never be able to touch
Unfortunately
Death is all I feel
Deep inside my soul
Eating me alive...

I want so much just to be able
To recieve
Those same feelings...
But I'm stuck
In my endless darkness
Dying from within

A True Insomniac

Man, I woke at noon...YESTERDAY AFTERNOON!!! i have not gone to sleep yet. I am exhausted, depressed, and I'm sick to my stomache. I haven't had a good night's sleep in like forever. I don't think I'll ever get better. I just keep getting worse. And nothing's really helping me...

I can't sleep, I barely eat, and I keep on losing and gaining weight. I'm alright on weight and stuff, but mentally, I'm just not all there...I need help, I just don't know how to ask for it...

Slowly, I feel as if I'm killing myself. But first starting mentally...like screw up my mind first and then work from the inside out...I'm not afraid of death, or suicide...i've tried it before and I'm not afraid to do it again...

It's just that feeling of emptiness...that feeling that you somehow can't fix, and that hole that no one can repair but yourself, but you just don't know how.

My house is freezing and My body's burning up, and I'm about to throw up. I put a smile on my face every day so no one can see my pain, but it's still there...I'm afraid...

Afraid that I will never be able to excape my little black hole...

What A Day, What A Day....

Well, today was a pretty normal day. I’m actually tired at the moment. My mom put me to work today. I had to help her put the bricks down by the patio and I got all dirty and smelly and sweaty and everything in between. I just came back from Ary’s house b/c I got a craving for Ice Cream and she had plenty of it in her freezer. We tried to catch the ice cream truck but we missed it…

My feet hurt, my hands are shaking and I haven’t eaten anything since I woke up this morning. All I ate was an ice cream bar and that was it. Nothing more. I’m still hungry but I’m tired from working.

I haven’t been feeling up to anything lately. Everything’s been kind of boring. I’d rather stay inside then go outside. I don’t know why, I’m an outgoing person, but I’ve just felt blah lately. I’ve been depressed and having trouble sleeping and I have been spazzed out and stuff. I’m always tired even if I got my sleep, and even if I woke up early one morning, I go to sleep real late that night. It just doesn’t make any sense any more. You know what I mean?

I always have a headache and I always feel sick and I always want to stay inside. I’ve had more fun in school this year than I did this summer. That’s kind of sad. Arturo’s birthday is this Saturday and so is the church’s garage sell. Irene is coming down for the weekend that day and then I have a dentist appointment on the 3rd. After my appointment we leave with Irene to go with her to visit her and her family for the Independence Day weekend.

Well, there’s not much left to say and I am still rather tired…I still feel lonely at times and I still feel out of place at home…I just don’t know how to say it to anyone or what to do about it…

I Had An Appt...

I brought Jenny M. and Chris to church today. We went to Mickey D's and all ate ice cream, then I got attacked by Cris in one of the kiddie tunnels up in the play area.

I saw my shrink today. (Sorry for the cliché) It was OK. I just talked about what was up and how I have been feeling. I'm OK, I guess, but I still have my moments...

I'm sorry I haven't been writing much in my last few entries, but life has been pretty bland. Not many new and exciting things have happened lately, and if it has....then it was short-lived. But anyways, I'm tired and I need to be going now....

Boredome in Early Morning

My goodness!! Chris came over today at 11 to help my mom. José has the nerve to help him wake me up. José has taken pictures (of me trying to sleep) and he threw candy and pillows at me. Chris decided it would be fun to land on me to wake me up.

When my whole family was gone, Chris and I were left alone in my living room. I have this thing that if I play with his ear, it turns him on. It drives him nuts. So he pretty much ended up fingering me with TWO of his fingers. (his fingers are huge) And those two put together are the same diamter as his...I think I should be left alone more often. :) I need practice for the future!

But then I got dirty helping my mom and Chris with the yard work. Man, did I stink! Well, I'm exhuasted, so I'm going to bed now...

Telling Chris

I told Chris today that I kissed Cris. And you know what he did? Absolutely nothing! :) This is why I love my boyfriend so much! He was like, "well, if it didn't mean anything, then it's OK...' And it was OK...b/c the kiss didn't mean a damn thing!

But anyway, I better go now...

Anniversary

Today’s my 4 month anniversary w/ Chris!

Father's Day 2k1

Happy Father’s Day! I don’t feel so good today. I think I ate too much cake at church today. Well, Jenny M. is having a BBQ next door, but I’m gonna take a nap…

Chris' Welcome Back Party

Chris came home today from ROTC camp. We had a little get together today at Gary's. There was a BBQ and we teens wrestled in the Morales' back-yard pool. Well, I'm tired and chlorinated...so bye!

Chris Comes Home...

Today Chris comes home from camp. I so still feel bad about what had happened Wednesday after church. I have no idea if I should tell him or not.

Mom's going to pick me up today and we're going to have a "Welcome Back" party for him. I'm gonna help cook! :/ :) heehee

But anyway, if I want to be awake for the party, I better get to bed!

Cheated!

OMG!! I feel so bad! I’ve done the #1 thing today that Chris hoped I would never do! I so betrayed him!

I cheated on Chris with Cris. It just happened. We were horse playing and somehow we ended up kissing. But we made out 3 different times! I don’t know what to do! I feel so bad! :( Should I tell Chris when he comes back??

Chris Goes To Camp

I got bit by fleas yesterday! Seriously bitten. They hurt, I itch, and I'm swollen like a mug. I'm allergic to them, which sux. Now I'm going to church in a few.

Chris left today to ROTC camp. He'll be gone for a whole week, and I'll be extremely bored. :( Well, I have to go get ready for church.

Maldonado's B-day Party

My goodness, I had to go to some old man's birthday party today and Carmine was being a sure pain in the ass. Since before we left this morning at 10, she was bitching and complaining, crying and whining, for no reason at all.

At around lunchtime she practically pissed everyone off. Carmine doesn't know English, but of course that's what all the teenagers speak. Well, we were making jokes and the woman starts yelling at us saying that we're making fun of her. As calmly as I could, I told her that we weren't and that not one part of our conversation was she mentioned. But she wouldn't listen. So I let her be. And she went on bitching and complaining that even my mom, who tolerates her pretty well, got fed up.

But anyways, I just got home. I'm tired and sore, but I had fun with Jenny A., Nathalia, and Cristofer. But I have to go to sleep now.

A Quick Catch Up

Well, what can I say? Let's see. Friday I skipped school because I missed the bus. I did that on purpose, though. See, I knew that the car had already been shipped to San Antonio and I really didn't feel like going to school. So what I did, I turned off my alarm and overslept. Mamita was going to see if she could call someone to drop me off at school but there was no one who could possibly pick me up. So what I did was just sleep some more. Anthony A. and Sasha ended up coming over after school to see what was up. Tomorrow I have to apologize to Mrs. Harrison that I wasn't there Friday. You see, Friday was the premier of our "Say What Karaoke" and I was supposed to be the Emcee, but didn't go to school. Anyway, on Saturday, Corina took us to Waikiki beach and I chilled over at the Hale Koa pool. It was open for Hale Koa visitors and military. But anyway, I was over there at a birthday party, too. Today, Mother's Day, Nestor took Mamita out to eat at Bravo's and afterwards we went to the BX and bought Mamita some shoes. We then left to go to Oscar's house after that. I chilled with the kids because Oscar and his wife were gone and Nestor and Mamita had gone out to buy Michael and Danielle some new pairs of shoes. Well, that's pretty much it. Nothing much new. I have to go to school tomorrow so that's a bummer. I'll write something else later. Oh, and I read this really cool book titled Where The Heart Is. It's going to come out as a motion picture later on in June. The book, though, was written in 1995, and let me say one thing: That's one hell of a book! Well, I better be going or Mamita will kill me if I miss the bus again.

I'm Bad!

Guess what! I'm bad! I took some smokes today from Heather. OK, I know I shouldn't have, but it's been a while since I've done it. I mean the last time I did was like in fourth grade when I stole 2 of Mamita's cigarettes. And that was 2 and a half YEARS ago! I was in a very stressed out moment. But oh, well. Man, I can't wait for next time, though. I really hope Heather and me can just chill with some beer and smokes. But that's pretty much the deal. I went to the flea market today. I bought the bracelet that Desma owed me and two more. I also got this one silver ring that says Kuuipo, which means Sweetheart in Hawaiian. I'll show it to Humberto some time. But then Mamita got me another ring, which is in gold and says Vombi, and a silver bracelet that says Yvonne. I will get those two the week after Mother's Day. But, I must get going. I know this is really short but there ain't much to talk about. I did do part of my math homework, but not all. I couldn't find a damn calculator! Well, I better bounce, I have acid indigestion so I like have heart burn now...I still can't believe Mamita didn't notice I was smoking! Well, Angela did drench me in a peaches body spray. Heather ended up getting some in her Mug. Well, let's just put it this way...I had a LOT of fun today!

Life in General...

I know I haven't done an entry for a long time, but oh, well. I'm PROBABLY going to be doing these every Saturday to save time. Anyway, I broke up with CJ like Wednesday. Nothing was really going on and he wasn't really used to having a girlfriend so we both decided to just break it off. Well, the banquet is coming up soon and I don't know with whom I'm going to dance with, probably just with Brandie. That's what we usually do. We slow dance together like two idiotic dorks. If not, I'll ask CJ if he wants to dance. I mean, we still ARE friends, you know. Well, this will probably be my shortest entry because nothing new has happened. Angela's not going to be here for the banquet, and neither is Lizzie. Sarah's mom said she couldn't go. So it's only going to be Leah, Brandie, Sherena and me chilling at the table. It's going to be so lonesome without the rest of the crew. Well, you know us crack-heads will always be the life of the party. A lot of others are going to be there. Unfortunately Anthony H., ex-boyfriend #1 from this school year, is going to be there. I'll probably be yelling at him throughout the whole dance. (Big whoop.) Well, I have to wake up early tomorrow morning because my mother insists on going to the flea market. I insist on going to the PX or the library, by MYSELF. I don't mind going with my mother it's just that we live in different worlds... Well, I must be going now and you know how Mamita is if I don't get up in the morning. She always got to be bitching about something. And I really don't want to go. But any, I can always replace that one bracelet Desma decided to borrow and keep. At least she paid the one-dollar to buy a new one. I should have said it was three. But who cares, just as long as I get my bracelet. Which reminds me, Amanda still owes me my blue one, and Nestor S. owes me a dollar for losing my clear one. I'll get them soon at church someday. I just hope it's sooner than later.

Another Night

Well, everyone won't leave me alone about the whole "Justin" thing. Oh, well! Anyway, today, Mike B., Chris M, CJ, and I helped out Mr. Lee with the car project that he's been working on with the elementary school. So since we took up all our free time, except for brunch because we had to eat, Mr. Lee's buying us Lunch tomorrow. Isn't that cool? I mean, that teacher's the BOMB! Not a lot of teachers are that cool. He understands kids more than most adults, so that's pretty neat.

Well, CJ and I are still taking it extremely slow. I mean, I don't want to complain so I'll just let him go at his own pace...know what I mean? But, I just wish he could go a little bit faster. I'm saying he's going way too slow! There's another upcoming talent show. I'm going to be in it, like usual. I also can't wait for the banquet. That's going to be so cool! I'm probably gonna end up dancing in one of the cages. (Yeah, right!) I'm not THAT wild and crazy. I AM wild and crazy, though. Well, I can't sleep and I'm extremely bored. I guess I SHOULD be headed to bed but I took a nap by accident so I can't sleep. I didn't mean to fall asleep. I was just gonna lay down and listen to some of my jams, but two songs later, I realized I had fallen asleep. So I just took off my headphones and fell back asleep. Well, I should go to sleep NOW.

No Real Title

Well, today was a very hot and boring day. I had to mow the lawn. (Yippee.) But I just wrote an e-mail to Humberto telling him that I'm not a big hoe. OK, at times I can be a hoochie, or a hoe, but I'm not the next future prostitute of America! So I just wrote him and sent him a pic. He wanted a recent picture so I gave him one. Which reminds me. He still hasn't sent me one of his! I'm going to kill that little twerp. But anyway, Danny and I talked on AOL for about an hour and then she went to sleep. I stayed on for a few minutes. I was on AOL for almost 2 hours! I had spent 100 minutes online. Luckily its unlimited access. So I can always get online for as long as I want with no extra pay. It stays 19.95 every month, and you can stay online for 3 days without paying a penny more! But there isn't much to talk about. I mean, today was a bore. Tomorrow I have school, so I get to see the whole crew. But anyway, I better get going to sleep. I have to get my stuff ready for school...I forgot to do the rest of my Math (again)!