When someone mentions 'witch,' what do you think of? Do you think of an old and raspy-voiced crone with green skin and warts all over her face? Or of a woman dressed in all black with long fingernails and the power to turn you into a frog instantly? Or do you think of that quiet young girl at the front of the bus with her nose in the Torah? Or the man hailing the taxi wearing a nice crisp suit on his way to a business meeting? When someone says witch, I think of home. why? Because I am one.
Some might think I'm crazy when I say I'm a witch. They think I'm saying it for attention or because I have some sort of mental disorder. To be honest, this isn't something I really want attention for. And though I suffer from depression and that's considered a mental disorder, I'm not delusional. I don't think I can produce anything with my fingertips and the only way I'm flying is through American Airlines.
So why do I consider myself a witch? I don't have telekineses or any supernatural power. Hell, unless you count the disappearing act on my food whenever it's dinner time, I'm not even a great illusionist. so why witch? Because I practice witchcraft. Now, there's usually two reactions to this. The first and most common is concern for the well-being of my soul/spirit. Those people end up telling me that I'm on a path of eternal damnation and that I should seek forgiveness and salvation through Jesus Christ and his father Jehovah/Yahweh. That's usually cut short. The concern is usually well meant but not necessary. I grew up in a Christian household. My own mother is a Nondenominational Christian pastor. i even study the Bible – I've done so for years and even know it better than most “Christians.” The second reaction is intrigue. They want to know why, how, and some even ask for favors on “cursing” others. The most hilarious reaction for m was when one actually asked me if I could fly like they did in the movie The Craft. I think I almost peed myself I was laughing so hard.
One thing that a lot of people seem to think is that witch=evil and that witchcraft=religion. Both are wrong. For one thing, almost, if not all, every religion uses some form of witchcraft. It's a common practice that people have gotten used to they can't truly identify it. For example, prayer. What is prayer but focusing our energies for a desired outcome. Are we not using magic when we place our hands upon a loved one and focus, pray for healing? Let's pull out the dictionary for this. according to Webster's Dictionary, witchcraft is said to be “the power or practices of a witch.” Okay, so we're back at 'witch.' What's a witch? The dictionary's first definition is “a person believed to have magic powers, esp: sorceress.” So now we look up sorceress which then leads us sorcery which is defined as “the use of magic.” Now when I say 'magic' what's the first thing that comes to mind? Depending on age, it can be anyone from Houdini to Criss Angel. don't get me wrong, the dictionary's third definition of magic is “sleight-of-hand” but that's not the kind of magic we're talking about here. The first two definitions in the dictionary say the following about magic--”the art of persons who claim to be able to do things by the help of supernatural powers” and “an extraordinary power or influence seemingly from a supernatural force.” so for the sake of argument, what is God if not a supernatural force? what is prayer if not a petition for help from said supernatural force? what is praying to God if not magic? So if we take into account the proper definitions of these words, if you use magic on a regular basis, practice it daily, are you not a witch?
If you sit down and think about it, everyone uses magic, whether it's a quick prayer that your children arrive safely to and from school or having your fingers crossed for a new job. all of it is a form of magic. You're tapping into some supernatural energy to bend it to your will for a desired outcome. So you see, witchcraft and those who practice it are not evil. They're not good either. Some people wish malice on others but that doesn't mean the practice is evil. The practice is neutral just like everything else. It has no feelings. It's neither good nor evil. It is the person who makes it so.
The only reason magic and witchcraft are frowned upon is because people. mostly religious leaders, have been taught and have taught others that it is. Those others therefore teach their children, family, and friends. It then just goes on down the line until it is accepted as fact. Racism is geared a lot in the same way. One person doesn't like a group of people because they look and/or do things differently, therefore it must be wrong. never did they think that it might just be different and nothing else. However only we as humans can discern the difference between “good and evil”. Only we are the ones who make something good or bad. For example, if I spent all of my magical practice trying to cause pain and misery to others that would make me the bad person, not the initial practice. I wok it to do bad things. The same happens if I practice to help others. Real magic is neither black nor white. It is both because nature is both loving and cruel. Look at the difference between a rainy day and a hurricane; a windy day and a tornado. Universal energy is both and neither. We make it, work it the way we want it; mold it to fit our desire. Whether it is good or evil is defined by us.
Now as I've stated earlier, witchcraft is not a religion. It is often confused as such because it has been incorporated into the practice of religious ritual. It is most common in Pagan religions. Now what is “pagan?” The true definition is “country dweller; heathen.” When those leaders in Christianity were trying to convert, those who were not a part of the city and therefore did their things their own way were called pagan or heathen. Heathen is defined as “an unconverted member of a people or nation that does not acknowledge the God of the Bible.” Just because they worshiped differently did not make them evil. They believed in God, or more than one, and were following traditions passed down to them over the years.
These days the term 'pagan' has been coined to describe the non-Judeo-Christian religions such as Shamanism, Wicca, Santeria, et cetera. There are a lot of religions out there—too many to list here, that are not Christianity, Judaism, or Islam. Heathen pretty much has the same meaning now as it did back then, just more rarely used.
Now that I've gotten that wonderful vocabulary lesson out of the way let us get to where I really want to go with this. As I've said, I am a witch. My practice is incorporated into my religion. My religion is Pagan—Wicca to be exact. Do I worship Satan or the Devil? No. Do I believe in Satan or the Devil? No. Am I evil? No. Or at least I like to think so. I'm only human after all. Do I believe in an all evil entity? No. How about an all good entity? Again, no. I believe that all gods are pretty much neutral. I am also a polytheist, so I believe in more than one or two gods. I worship several and believe that they each serve a specific purpose. does everyone who follows this religion believe as I do? No. everyone is obviously different—if not, we wouldn't have so many religions to choose from.
The reason for this kind of introduction is to better understand the rest of this book. This is not a teaching guide or how-to book on Wicca or Paganism in general. This isn't even a journalistic book of research on witchcraft. This is more of a diary of sorts to show, or maybe prove, that even though I'm a witch and follow Wicca, I'm just you're every-day girl next door. I'm hoping this will give some insight on how normal me all are.
Luna Skye
November 2009
1444/50000
Sunday, November 01, 2009
NaNoWriMo: Count Down!
I am so ready for this!
I finally have an idea for National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) that might actually work.
This is my fourth time doing Nano, and the last three attempts at getting 50000 words by the end of November were bust. I dont think I ever made it past 4000. This time though I'm doing it differently. I am so ready and patiently waiting for midnight so I can get started!
I'll be posting my progress and work here if anybody is interested.
*starts singing* It's the final count down! Doo doo doo doo. Doo doo doo doo doo,..
I finally have an idea for National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) that might actually work.
This is my fourth time doing Nano, and the last three attempts at getting 50000 words by the end of November were bust. I dont think I ever made it past 4000. This time though I'm doing it differently. I am so ready and patiently waiting for midnight so I can get started!
I'll be posting my progress and work here if anybody is interested.
*starts singing* It's the final count down! Doo doo doo doo. Doo doo doo doo doo,..
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Moon Excavation
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/10/08/AR2009100803408_2.html?hpid=moreheadlines&sid=ST2009100804104
"Stand back! They're gonna do science!" -J
Set your alarms to 6am central time, so you can watch it online if you can!
"Stand back! They're gonna do science!" -J
Set your alarms to 6am central time, so you can watch it online if you can!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Invisible Illness Week
Stole this survey from Persues (lj user: alabastard)
1. The illnesses I live with are: Bipolar Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: I have a history of psychological diagnoses. It was clinical depression when I was 13 (2000), which then worsened and upgraded to Bipolar when I was 19 (2005). I had anorexia and bulemia diagnosed as Eating Disorder Unspecified or EDNOS when I was 14 (2001) and am have just recently have it under control. It was later diagnosed as Body Dysmorphic Disorder when I was 21 (2007) as my dislike for my body triggered my ED.
3. But I had symptoms since: I was around 9/10 when my being sexually abused began
4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: awareness of the feelings of others and the care needed for my husband and children as well as myself to keep the care ongoing
5. Most people assume: I'm delusional, self-asbsorbed, hypochondriac
6. The hardest part about mornings is: getting out of bed and focusing on what needs to be done.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: I do not watch medical TV shows
8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: My cell phone.
9. The hardest part about nights is: getting to sleep.
10. Each day I take [?] pills & vitamins. I no longer take prescribed medication for my depression.
11. Regarding alternative treatments, I: rely on physical activity (mowing the lawn, chasing the kids), herbal remedies (st. john's wort), and spiritual study and growth.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose:
Invisible. I do not want someone to look at me and feel pity.
13. Regarding working and career: If not controlled has caused problems in my "follow-through" and activity.
14. People would be surprised to know: -
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is: Just trying to cope on a regular basis and slowly reprogramming self. People believe just because I have a bunch of good things going for me that my brain is happy. It's not. It has nothing to do with my surroundings anymore. It's triggered by random flashbacks and mental-wiring.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness was: love a sexual partner.
17. The commercials about my illness: -
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed: Trusting whole-heartedly; wearing whatever the hell I wanted without feeling the need to feel adored or being self-conscious that someone might see my back-fat rolls.
19. It was really hard to give up: -
20. A new hobby I've taken up since my diagnosis is: reading anything and everything about religions. learning new languages.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would: Define normal.
22. My illness has taught me: that the entire world is based on perception. and unfortunately that perception was sanctioned by idiots.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say (about my illness) that
gets under my skin is: That's it's imaginary.
24. But I love it when people: Give me the benefit of the doubt.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times
is: I don't have actual words. My husband and a few close friends have helped me through my hardest emotional times. My husband helped me feel comfortable with myself. I have relapses with dysmorphia, but I'm no longer keen to hurt myself when it hits. With depression, he's always willing to hold me if necessary.
26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them: Keep trying to move forward. You are not your illness.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: that you can truly fight it in a way where it doesn't affect your loved ones in a negative way.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: just listen and cuddle me.
29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Awareness, awareness, awareness.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: amused. That's a lot of shit to read. LOL
1. The illnesses I live with are: Bipolar Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: I have a history of psychological diagnoses. It was clinical depression when I was 13 (2000), which then worsened and upgraded to Bipolar when I was 19 (2005). I had anorexia and bulemia diagnosed as Eating Disorder Unspecified or EDNOS when I was 14 (2001) and am have just recently have it under control. It was later diagnosed as Body Dysmorphic Disorder when I was 21 (2007) as my dislike for my body triggered my ED.
3. But I had symptoms since: I was around 9/10 when my being sexually abused began
4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: awareness of the feelings of others and the care needed for my husband and children as well as myself to keep the care ongoing
5. Most people assume: I'm delusional, self-asbsorbed, hypochondriac
6. The hardest part about mornings is: getting out of bed and focusing on what needs to be done.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: I do not watch medical TV shows
8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: My cell phone.
9. The hardest part about nights is: getting to sleep.
10. Each day I take [?] pills & vitamins. I no longer take prescribed medication for my depression.
11. Regarding alternative treatments, I: rely on physical activity (mowing the lawn, chasing the kids), herbal remedies (st. john's wort), and spiritual study and growth.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose:
Invisible. I do not want someone to look at me and feel pity.
13. Regarding working and career: If not controlled has caused problems in my "follow-through" and activity.
14. People would be surprised to know: -
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is: Just trying to cope on a regular basis and slowly reprogramming self. People believe just because I have a bunch of good things going for me that my brain is happy. It's not. It has nothing to do with my surroundings anymore. It's triggered by random flashbacks and mental-wiring.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness was: love a sexual partner.
17. The commercials about my illness: -
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed: Trusting whole-heartedly; wearing whatever the hell I wanted without feeling the need to feel adored or being self-conscious that someone might see my back-fat rolls.
19. It was really hard to give up: -
20. A new hobby I've taken up since my diagnosis is: reading anything and everything about religions. learning new languages.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would: Define normal.
22. My illness has taught me: that the entire world is based on perception. and unfortunately that perception was sanctioned by idiots.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say (about my illness) that
gets under my skin is: That's it's imaginary.
24. But I love it when people: Give me the benefit of the doubt.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times
is: I don't have actual words. My husband and a few close friends have helped me through my hardest emotional times. My husband helped me feel comfortable with myself. I have relapses with dysmorphia, but I'm no longer keen to hurt myself when it hits. With depression, he's always willing to hold me if necessary.
26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them: Keep trying to move forward. You are not your illness.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: that you can truly fight it in a way where it doesn't affect your loved ones in a negative way.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: just listen and cuddle me.
29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Awareness, awareness, awareness.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: amused. That's a lot of shit to read. LOL
Monday, September 07, 2009
Fond of Food
My hormones are still out of whack. It's been almost six weeks since I had the baby. I have been feeling like utter shit recently, emotionally. I know it's because my body is trying to get back to where it used to be before being pregnant, and frankly I don't think my body knows where it used to be. It's gone through so many changes chemically, naturally and synthetically, within the past 5 years that I think it's confused. I've been depressed on and off, but I'm coping. It hasn't gotten terrible, but I have made an appointment with my therapist for next month just in case.
I've been busy making changes in my life, both physical and psychological. I finally have Rose on a schedule, so I can manage my sleep better. My hair was getting on my last damn nerve so I shaved it off. Right now I'm working on focusing on the positive and potty-training Iris. No easy feat on both accounts. Another thing I have to focus on is my eating habits. I know I'm supposed to eat more for calorie intake since I breastfeed, but I don't think I'm actually supposed to be eating twice as much as normal like I'm doing now. If I'm not careful I'm going to eat myself sick and overweight so I've been carrying the baby around in the baby carrier for exercise. Walking around with a ten-pound baby and chasing Lily and Iris around really does help burn some of that extra off.
I'm planning on going back to school next year. J already started his new school year last Monday. I'm really proud of him. I'm planning on majoring in as many foreign languages as I can and in the long run have a career as a linguist of some sort. I'd like to be able to make the kind of money to take care of my family and not depend on others. Granted, welfare is great, and we pay taxes so techinically we're just getting our money back, but at the same time I'd like to not worry about my husband worrying about if we have enough money to pay the water and trash bill after paying the mortgage.
I'm not braining good; I think I'm too tired or something. My house is a mess, I'm going to clean something. (But at least the kitchen is clean!)
I've been busy making changes in my life, both physical and psychological. I finally have Rose on a schedule, so I can manage my sleep better. My hair was getting on my last damn nerve so I shaved it off. Right now I'm working on focusing on the positive and potty-training Iris. No easy feat on both accounts. Another thing I have to focus on is my eating habits. I know I'm supposed to eat more for calorie intake since I breastfeed, but I don't think I'm actually supposed to be eating twice as much as normal like I'm doing now. If I'm not careful I'm going to eat myself sick and overweight so I've been carrying the baby around in the baby carrier for exercise. Walking around with a ten-pound baby and chasing Lily and Iris around really does help burn some of that extra off.
I'm planning on going back to school next year. J already started his new school year last Monday. I'm really proud of him. I'm planning on majoring in as many foreign languages as I can and in the long run have a career as a linguist of some sort. I'd like to be able to make the kind of money to take care of my family and not depend on others. Granted, welfare is great, and we pay taxes so techinically we're just getting our money back, but at the same time I'd like to not worry about my husband worrying about if we have enough money to pay the water and trash bill after paying the mortgage.
I'm not braining good; I think I'm too tired or something. My house is a mess, I'm going to clean something. (But at least the kitchen is clean!)
Saturday, August 22, 2009
And on the 7th day They Rested
This week has been amazing.
Sunday, my brother and mother came by with a surprise visit and brought along with them a new dishwasher. I had been needing one for a while but they are so pricey we hadn't bought one. Plus I needed a portable, which are hard to find. My brother found a good deal on one on Best Buy.com and had messaged me saying that it would arrive one Wednesday. I had no idea they were going to bring it themselves! Not only did they hook up my new dishwasher, but they bought me a new kitchen sink faucet since the last one had broken. It works great. An entire load done in under and hour! :D Our old one took 3 hours and barely cleaned anything.
They were such a blessing. Not only did they fix my kitchen but they went out and bought a new toilet and tub handle for the downstairs bathroom as well as paid some plumber to fix that bathroom's sink. They even replaced the sink in the upstairs bathroom to a beautiful pedestal sink. Most of our family time was spent cleaning the house and fixing the majority of the crap that was broken. But I am so thankful.
My brother and I had an afternoon for ourselves. I left the girls with their abuela and he and I went to get a pedicure. We talked a lot, mostly about our past. He's been under a lot of stress and everything has just been piling up that he's been super depressed and having flashbacks. He didn't talk about them until now, and I'm glad he's finally getting all of that negativity out. He blamed himself for what happened to us as children and I told him that it wasn't his fault. I understood why, but that the person to blame was long gone and a coward. We never asked for that abuse and we were very small children, still learning right from wrong, but I don't think we'd be as strong as we are now if we hadn't dealt with it. It sucks, but it's passed and we just have to move on. I hope he knows how much I love him and how much he means to me. When we were little we were super close, closer than my sister and I.
When I was around Lily's age, I'd have a lot of bad dreams and I would crawl into my brother's bed at night and cuddle. I always knew he would be there for me to protect me from my nightmares. He would be the one to guide me back in my room when I would sleepwalk. He'd play with me and my dolls when he would rather play video games. We sat down on the couch every afternoon after school and watch Power Rangers together. After my stepdad committed suicide our relationship changed and it became strained. He was the man of the house and he was taking care of my mom and me. I was 13 then, and he was only 20. He sacrificed a lot just to make sure our family would stay in one piece.
Anyway, I think now that we've gotten all of that old hurt and frustration out in the open it will be a lot easier for us to repair the damage caused by my stepfather. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted and things will just start falling into place quicker.
Now if only my sister had been here, too, We would have had one hilarious hell of a time. I love the hell out of those two. They get on my god-damned nerves, but I love them. :)
Anyway, my family left this morning. Lily just about cried when she relized they weren't coming back but my brother reassured her that they would come and visit soon. I think we'll also be visiting them during the winter holidays. I still don't know. I want to wait until Rose is eating solids so that the car ride would be easier, and that one be until she's at least 6 months. We'll see.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Baby Formula
Anyone know of anybody who is using or will use baby formula? I breastfeed and in my hospital care-package there was a bottle of Ready-to-Feed Similac Advance Baby Formula along with a box of Enfamil Lipil with 4oz packets. One packet is missing because I actually used it my first week to supplement. I have no use for these so if you know of anyone who does, let me know.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
RT @momlogic: DO NOT post this on Twitter! http://bit.ly/silkF
*or anywhere online for that matter unless its set to friends only.*
*or anywhere online for that matter unless its set to friends only.*
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Must.Have.Sleep.
I am so tired. No matter the amount of sleep I get, I can't seem to rest even with sleep aids. I wake up and my everything hurts. My belly feels bruised from the baby's kicks. My back hurts so much that if I take a deep breath I get a sharp pain down my spine. It's so difficult just to yawn. I already have a hard time breathing from Rose's feet in my ribs/lungs. I've only been up two hours and I want to go back to sleep already. I really hate feeling like this.
I have a bunch of chores that need to be done, like washing the dishes and cleaning up. Instead I've been lounging about reading Solaris. I just feel so blah. My baby shower is tomorrow and I'm not even excited. I just want to be done with this pregnancy and have my baby already!
I need to go and play with my children now before they attack me.
I have a bunch of chores that need to be done, like washing the dishes and cleaning up. Instead I've been lounging about reading Solaris. I just feel so blah. My baby shower is tomorrow and I'm not even excited. I just want to be done with this pregnancy and have my baby already!
I need to go and play with my children now before they attack me.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Summer Fun?
I am so tired and feel like death. I can't sleep well because I'm in the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy. My allergies are doing terrible things to me -- I'm allergic to pet dander (and I have two cats and a dog) and pollen (the flowers are in full bloom, some already falling down getting ready for fruit.) I've just felt so lazy. I have so many dishes to wash (by hand!) and was going to do them yesterday, but cut the dog's hair instead. It took me three hours just to get through all the matted fur very carefully with a pair of scissors. The buzz clipper did the rest. Summer has started and all I want to do is sleep. Thankfully we have a an inflatable pool for the girls and go in there when we can.
I was going to add more to this post but all I really want to do is nap.
I was going to add more to this post but all I really want to do is nap.
Friday, June 19, 2009
The Storm Rages
I'm writing this at 417 in the morning. Whenever I post this, I don't know. There's currently a nasty storm raging outside. I haven't slept. I stayed up late organizing a photo album on my Facebook profile until a little past midnight. Then some BH contractions hit and I spent another 20 minutes walking around the kitchen to alleviate them. I headed to bed anyway but ended up getting out of bed several times to either pee or walk around some more. Then Rose had the hiccups. Needless to say I didn't finally fall alseep until almost 2am. I was woken up a half hor later by the thunder that was rumbling so loudly it shook my house and the lightning flashes that made me feel as if paparazzi were outside my window. I went downstairs to make sure the computer was turned off and brought the dog inside. I then checked on the girls and tried to go back to sleep. (not an easy task)
Three thirty rolls around and I'm woken up again, this time by the sound out our bedroom sink (don't ask, it was there when we bought the house) making gurgling draining noises. Debating whether or not the drainage was from outside or the basement, I got dressed and went to the basement just to make sure to find the wall had cracked and pulled apart again and rainwater was leaking all over the floor. I then hastened to move any unprotected valuables off the ground. It took a lot more time and energy than I really wanted to use.
And so we've come full circle. It's past 430 and I still need sleep. So goodnight/good morning to all.
Three thirty rolls around and I'm woken up again, this time by the sound out our bedroom sink (don't ask, it was there when we bought the house) making gurgling draining noises. Debating whether or not the drainage was from outside or the basement, I got dressed and went to the basement just to make sure to find the wall had cracked and pulled apart again and rainwater was leaking all over the floor. I then hastened to move any unprotected valuables off the ground. It took a lot more time and energy than I really wanted to use.
And so we've come full circle. It's past 430 and I still need sleep. So goodnight/good morning to all.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Friday, May 01, 2009
Health Fail
With all this talk about swine flu, I'm actually not worried about it. None of my children go to public school, or any day care, we barely leave the house anyway, and even when we do we always wash our hands in bathrooms and use hand sanitizers everywhere we go. We have one in the car, one in the diaper bag, and another in my purse, plus several at home of course.
Now I just wish I wasn't fucking sick. Again. I have some stupid chest cold. I hate that I can't take anything but Tussin for it. If it doesn't get better within a week, I'm going to the doctor to make sure it isn't bronchitis. I am known for major health fail--I was born into it.
Sadly, I'm the "healthiest" one in my family. My sister has type 1 diabetes since she was 2. She is currently overweight, anemic, and has malfunctions in both her kidneys and thyroid. My brother is asthmatic, hypoglycemic, and has sensitive skin that if not taken well care of can get skin infections. My mother has type 2 diabetes, asthma, hyper-tension, kidney problems, carpal tunnel syndrome, and has had her gallbladder removed due to disease. I am only the healthiest because I do not have diabetes and/or asthma. But My health is still full of fail. We all suffer from indoor AND outdoor allergies and because of it end up with colds, sinusitis, and other respiratory ailments.
I just wish I could take SOMETHING that would work. I hate being pregnant and sick. I'm finally not having any terrible allergies, but if it's not one thing, it's another, right? Now I'm stuck with this stupid congestion in my chest, I can't sleep, I'm coughing so much my throat, chest and abdomen hurt, and because I'm a slightly smaller version of a beached whale, I damn near piss myself every time I have a coughing fit. This is GOD DAMN RIDICULOUS.
*sigh* Anybody out there want to be sick, pregnant and physically miserable for me?
On another note, I've kept the house clean. My friend Liz stops by every Tuesday, and this week I was actually in the middle of doing some chores since my children weren't being demon spawn and behaving. So she helped me finish the dishes and then watched the girls while I swept and mopped the floors. Since then I've been able to keep the house pretty tidy since I just clean up while the girls are in bed. At nap time, I take about a half hour off my nap and put away books and toys. At bed time I wash dishes and sweep. I used to think it was just too much work to do that, but I will admit that it makes things easier and less stressful.
I'm managing my stress better. Mainly because I have a routine. I wake up at around the same time every day and sleep/rest at the same time. On the weekends, when J has off, we have family time so we break off of the routine for a couple of days and start back up Monday morning. It's helped a lot that I only go to behavioral therapy only once a month, mostly just to have some "me" time so I don't do murders. I love my husband but he doesn't get me at all. I don't hold it against him, though. I don't get him either. ;)
I wish to write more, but I'm tired. Off to bed...
Now I just wish I wasn't fucking sick. Again. I have some stupid chest cold. I hate that I can't take anything but Tussin for it. If it doesn't get better within a week, I'm going to the doctor to make sure it isn't bronchitis. I am known for major health fail--I was born into it.
Sadly, I'm the "healthiest" one in my family. My sister has type 1 diabetes since she was 2. She is currently overweight, anemic, and has malfunctions in both her kidneys and thyroid. My brother is asthmatic, hypoglycemic, and has sensitive skin that if not taken well care of can get skin infections. My mother has type 2 diabetes, asthma, hyper-tension, kidney problems, carpal tunnel syndrome, and has had her gallbladder removed due to disease. I am only the healthiest because I do not have diabetes and/or asthma. But My health is still full of fail. We all suffer from indoor AND outdoor allergies and because of it end up with colds, sinusitis, and other respiratory ailments.
I just wish I could take SOMETHING that would work. I hate being pregnant and sick. I'm finally not having any terrible allergies, but if it's not one thing, it's another, right? Now I'm stuck with this stupid congestion in my chest, I can't sleep, I'm coughing so much my throat, chest and abdomen hurt, and because I'm a slightly smaller version of a beached whale, I damn near piss myself every time I have a coughing fit. This is GOD DAMN RIDICULOUS.
*sigh* Anybody out there want to be sick, pregnant and physically miserable for me?
On another note, I've kept the house clean. My friend Liz stops by every Tuesday, and this week I was actually in the middle of doing some chores since my children weren't being demon spawn and behaving. So she helped me finish the dishes and then watched the girls while I swept and mopped the floors. Since then I've been able to keep the house pretty tidy since I just clean up while the girls are in bed. At nap time, I take about a half hour off my nap and put away books and toys. At bed time I wash dishes and sweep. I used to think it was just too much work to do that, but I will admit that it makes things easier and less stressful.
I'm managing my stress better. Mainly because I have a routine. I wake up at around the same time every day and sleep/rest at the same time. On the weekends, when J has off, we have family time so we break off of the routine for a couple of days and start back up Monday morning. It's helped a lot that I only go to behavioral therapy only once a month, mostly just to have some "me" time so I don't do murders. I love my husband but he doesn't get me at all. I don't hold it against him, though. I don't get him either. ;)
I wish to write more, but I'm tired. Off to bed...
Monday, April 13, 2009
Stupid Allergies
My allergies are kicking my ass. We went to church yesterday and I had absolutely no problem whatsoever with my alergies. We were gone for most of the day, so even when I was at home it was just a bit of sneezing. This morning, however, is another story. I barely slept last night. All this coughing, and sneezing, etc is really starting to get on my nerves. Seriously.
I want to clean this house, but I also want to sleep forever.
Ugh. I hate feeling like death.
On a random note, a couple of days ago, J and I are at the grocery store and I keep pressing against my belly. Rose was walloping me to no end:
J: "Why do you keep doing that?"
Me: "The baby thinks she's a ninja and is kicking the shit out of me. Like this, judo-cock!" *kicks the air and then realizes vowel mistake* *giggle* "I said cock instead of kick."
J: "That's how you got pregnant."
LOL. Gotta love a ninja-penis.
I want to clean this house, but I also want to sleep forever.
Ugh. I hate feeling like death.
On a random note, a couple of days ago, J and I are at the grocery store and I keep pressing against my belly. Rose was walloping me to no end:
J: "Why do you keep doing that?"
Me: "The baby thinks she's a ninja and is kicking the shit out of me. Like this, judo-cock!" *kicks the air and then realizes vowel mistake* *giggle* "I said cock instead of kick."
J: "That's how you got pregnant."
LOL. Gotta love a ninja-penis.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
A Letter from the Senator
Today I received an e-mail from the Iowa chapter of Planned Parenthood letting me know that legislators are creating a waiver to strip Medicaid funding. Even though I do have private health insurance (that costs us a fortune) I am also on Medicaid, which has helped me through my previous pregnancies as well as this current one.
Anyway, with the help of IPPAN I sent an e-mail to one of our legislators today.
From: yvonnexxxxx@gmail.com
Sent: Thursday, April 09, 2009 2:39 PM
To: Windschitl, Matt
Subject: Oppose H1504, H1519 to HF811
Representative Matt Windschitl
Iowa Legislature
Second Floor, State Capitol
xxxxxxxxxx, IA 5xxxx
Dear Representative Windschitl,
I urge you to oppose all amendments which would strip funding
from the Medicaid family planning waiver and the family planning
line item. As the economy worsens, these safety net programs are
vital to ensure even more low-income women in Iowa can access
the health care they need.
Family planning clinics have seen record increases in the number
of low-income patients. During this tough economy, we absolutely
must fund these programs to protect Iowans.
I ask that you oppose this amendment to the Medicaid family
planning waiver and the family planning line item.
As a woman on Medicaid, it has come to help a lot in my time of
need. With the economy as it is right now, it has become
difficult to pay the hundreds of dollars needed for regular
health insurance.
This program has helped many women in this currently defunct
economy. We do not make the money legislators and CEOs make, so
if funding is stripped, we are left without insurance and unable
to acquire necessary medication and/or procedures.
Sincerely,
Yvonne xxxx
XXXXXXX St.
XXXXXXX, IA 5xxxx
Now I have sent many letters in the past to legislators for one issue or another. I have never had any respond until today.
Sent: Thursday, April 09, 2009 3:35 PM
To:yvonne.ames@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Oppose H1504, H1519 to HF811
Yvonne,
Thank you for taking the time to contact me and share you concerns regarding restoring funding to Medicaid. As you know there are many areas in the states budget that are enduring similar cuts in their budgets in order to cope with the declining revenue in the state. There is a good deal of Federal Stimulus money coming to Iowa, but I am not sure what exactly this money can be used for, as there are many strings attached to this money in regards to where it may be spent and how it is used.
We are going line by line through the budget trying to find ways to cut inefficiencies in order to be able to restore funding to areas that are feeling the brunt of the budget cuts. It is truly a matter of setting priorities in Iowa, unfortunately when suggestions are made by minority party members like me about where we need to be setting priorities we are often not heard. We will continue to have the discussion and emphasize where we believe we need to be directing funding and setting priorities.
Please feel free to contact me again at anytime on any issue.
Sincerely,
Matt Windschitl
State Representative
Iowa House District 56
Capitol 515-000-0000
District 712-000-0000
Anyway, with the help of IPPAN I sent an e-mail to one of our legislators today.
From: yvonnexxxxx@gmail.com
Sent: Thursday, April 09, 2009 2:39 PM
To: Windschitl, Matt
Subject: Oppose H1504, H1519 to HF811
Representative Matt Windschitl
Iowa Legislature
Second Floor, State Capitol
xxxxxxxxxx, IA 5xxxx
Dear Representative Windschitl,
I urge you to oppose all amendments which would strip funding
from the Medicaid family planning waiver and the family planning
line item. As the economy worsens, these safety net programs are
vital to ensure even more low-income women in Iowa can access
the health care they need.
Family planning clinics have seen record increases in the number
of low-income patients. During this tough economy, we absolutely
must fund these programs to protect Iowans.
I ask that you oppose this amendment to the Medicaid family
planning waiver and the family planning line item.
As a woman on Medicaid, it has come to help a lot in my time of
need. With the economy as it is right now, it has become
difficult to pay the hundreds of dollars needed for regular
health insurance.
This program has helped many women in this currently defunct
economy. We do not make the money legislators and CEOs make, so
if funding is stripped, we are left without insurance and unable
to acquire necessary medication and/or procedures.
Sincerely,
Yvonne xxxx
XXXXXXX St.
XXXXXXX, IA 5xxxx
Now I have sent many letters in the past to legislators for one issue or another. I have never had any respond until today.
Sent: Thursday, April 09, 2009 3:35 PM
To:
Subject: RE: Oppose H1504, H1519 to HF811
Yvonne,
Thank you for taking the time to contact me and share you concerns regarding restoring funding to Medicaid. As you know there are many areas in the states budget that are enduring similar cuts in their budgets in order to cope with the declining revenue in the state. There is a good deal of Federal Stimulus money coming to Iowa, but I am not sure what exactly this money can be used for, as there are many strings attached to this money in regards to where it may be spent and how it is used.
We are going line by line through the budget trying to find ways to cut inefficiencies in order to be able to restore funding to areas that are feeling the brunt of the budget cuts. It is truly a matter of setting priorities in Iowa, unfortunately when suggestions are made by minority party members like me about where we need to be setting priorities we are often not heard. We will continue to have the discussion and emphasize where we believe we need to be directing funding and setting priorities.
Please feel free to contact me again at anytime on any issue.
Sincerely,
Matt Windschitl
State Representative
Iowa House District 56
Capitol 515-000-0000
District 712-000-0000
Monday, April 06, 2009
Le Sigh
I am so tired.
My house is a mess and I don't feel like cleaning anything.
I have a chest cold and my everything aches. Being sick and pregnant is no fun. I can't actually take anything that works! I'm stuck with Sudafed and Benadryl and even then I have to stick to a minimum. Gr. I hate this so much.
I have such a ton of stuff to do. The play room is a god-awful mess, which is no surprise. Toys everywhere. The living room just needs a good sweeping. It actually feels weird without a ton of shit all over the floor. The kitchen is what needs the most work done. A sink full of dishes, the counter-tops, and the floor all need a good washing.
What I really want to do is sleep forever.
My house is a mess and I don't feel like cleaning anything.
I have a chest cold and my everything aches. Being sick and pregnant is no fun. I can't actually take anything that works! I'm stuck with Sudafed and Benadryl and even then I have to stick to a minimum. Gr. I hate this so much.
I have such a ton of stuff to do. The play room is a god-awful mess, which is no surprise. Toys everywhere. The living room just needs a good sweeping. It actually feels weird without a ton of shit all over the floor. The kitchen is what needs the most work done. A sink full of dishes, the counter-tops, and the floor all need a good washing.
What I really want to do is sleep forever.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Life in a Nutshell
For a little over a month I willingly took Prozac to see if it would help with my mood swings and depression. Granted, I had already taken them years ago and became immune to them after some time, but my obstetrician thought it would work differently this time around with my pregnancy hormones. I gave it a try for almost two months and just recently quit. The entire process has felt utterly pointless and hopeless. I will admit that the medication did help with staying focus, but there is just too much emotional baggage that I have that cannot be easily fixed even with the help of medication and therapy.
I have not gone to behavioral therapy in months. Mostly because I am pregnant and all of my pregnancies always seem to make me more sick than I normally am. So I have just been keeping things to myself. I know this is not a good way to handle things but for once, I am actually okay. I am not suicidal, and even though I wish I could just get up and leave, I can actually give you reasons why. And I am starting to see the reasons why I should stay. The only thing I have been feeling is resentment toward my husband and disappointment toward self. I am trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings and fix the problem caused by them without going insane or becoming emotionally recluse. I just wish I could honestly open up to someone without feeling like I am constantly being judged.
My blood pressure is unnaturally low, I have fainted a couple of times at work, and I am just so fucking tired all the time. I cannot get up without wanting to vomit and then pass out. I quit my job because I kept getting dizzy spells at work. This is no fun and incredibly frustrating. I hate not being able to pay off my medical debt by myself. I hate feeling completely useless. Working was the only thing I had to prove that I was not a complete waste of space, that I could in fact do something on my own. Now without it I feel as if I have nothing.
I feel so drained. I know all my physical ailments are caused by the pregnancy. I also know that a good portion of my emotional distress is because of that, too. But unless I can magically have a healthy baby at only five months gestation, there is not much I can do about it. The rest is old and dusty memories that I need to throw away. Even emotionally I am a pack rat; there are just some things I should not even be keeping. At least with some I have finally let go. Now if only I could do that with the rest. It has taken such a toll on me that I just don't know what to think anymore.
I left all the religious groups I was affiliated with. I have a Jehovah's Witness come to my house every Tuesday morning, but the main reason I have not stopped those gatherings is because I like the company and so do my daughters. She is a very sweet young woman, not much older than I, who has been a big help in a way that she is not aware of. Everything else though, my mother's church, Sage Circle healing group, everything, I just left and took a step back. I just don't know what I believe in anymore. I do not feel anything. Spiritually, I just feel empty.
My life in a nutshell: spiritually empty, emotionally drained, physically ill. Hoo-fucking-ray.
I have not gone to behavioral therapy in months. Mostly because I am pregnant and all of my pregnancies always seem to make me more sick than I normally am. So I have just been keeping things to myself. I know this is not a good way to handle things but for once, I am actually okay. I am not suicidal, and even though I wish I could just get up and leave, I can actually give you reasons why. And I am starting to see the reasons why I should stay. The only thing I have been feeling is resentment toward my husband and disappointment toward self. I am trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings and fix the problem caused by them without going insane or becoming emotionally recluse. I just wish I could honestly open up to someone without feeling like I am constantly being judged.
My blood pressure is unnaturally low, I have fainted a couple of times at work, and I am just so fucking tired all the time. I cannot get up without wanting to vomit and then pass out. I quit my job because I kept getting dizzy spells at work. This is no fun and incredibly frustrating. I hate not being able to pay off my medical debt by myself. I hate feeling completely useless. Working was the only thing I had to prove that I was not a complete waste of space, that I could in fact do something on my own. Now without it I feel as if I have nothing.
I feel so drained. I know all my physical ailments are caused by the pregnancy. I also know that a good portion of my emotional distress is because of that, too. But unless I can magically have a healthy baby at only five months gestation, there is not much I can do about it. The rest is old and dusty memories that I need to throw away. Even emotionally I am a pack rat; there are just some things I should not even be keeping. At least with some I have finally let go. Now if only I could do that with the rest. It has taken such a toll on me that I just don't know what to think anymore.
I left all the religious groups I was affiliated with. I have a Jehovah's Witness come to my house every Tuesday morning, but the main reason I have not stopped those gatherings is because I like the company and so do my daughters. She is a very sweet young woman, not much older than I, who has been a big help in a way that she is not aware of. Everything else though, my mother's church, Sage Circle healing group, everything, I just left and took a step back. I just don't know what I believe in anymore. I do not feel anything. Spiritually, I just feel empty.
My life in a nutshell: spiritually empty, emotionally drained, physically ill. Hoo-fucking-ray.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Vision Quest Continues
I'm doing a lot of introspection right now and taking a step back from religion and just life in general.
I said goodbye to a lot of groups yesterday and today. I don't really know what plan I'm making, I just know that I feel emotionally and spiritually lost and that I need to get rid of everything first and start over.
I've been trying to get my thoughts in order, but I'm doing a terrible job, so I'm working on that. Anyway, just an update.
I'm always tired, and even though I'm on meds, my depression is still hard to handle on some days. My pregnancy is going great though. I can feel her moving around just fine and she's healthy.
I said goodbye to a lot of groups yesterday and today. I don't really know what plan I'm making, I just know that I feel emotionally and spiritually lost and that I need to get rid of everything first and start over.
I've been trying to get my thoughts in order, but I'm doing a terrible job, so I'm working on that. Anyway, just an update.
I'm always tired, and even though I'm on meds, my depression is still hard to handle on some days. My pregnancy is going great though. I can feel her moving around just fine and she's healthy.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
About Me
You know how sometimes people on your friends list post about stuff going on in their lives, and all of a sudden you think, "Wait a minute? Since when are they working THERE? Since when are they dating HIM/HER? since when???" And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.
Please copy mine below, erase my answers, putting yours in their places, and then post the result in your journal. Please elaborate on the questions which would benefit from elaboration! One-word-answers seldom help anyone out.
1. Name: Yvonne, known as: Vonnie, Cyndi, Luna
2. Age: 22
3. Location: Missouri Valley, IA / Omaha, NE / Council Bluffs, IA
4. Occupation: Parental Unit / Ace Hardware
5. Partner: Husband; Justin. Married 4 yrs (01/25/05) together forever! LOL (05/21/02)
6. Kids: Lily (12/26/05); Iris (10/26/07); Rose (due 07/09)
7. Brothers/Sisters: Sister-Sol (34), Brothers-Nestor (29), David (25) I very rarely speak to any of them.
8. Pets: dog (Missy); 2 cats (Gary, Jules)
9. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:
1. Being a mom
2. Being a wife
3. Getting through depression
4. Being pregnant
10. What did you go to school for? I dropped out...so it doesn't matter.
11. Parents: Mother: Ivonne (53), Non-Denominational Christian Pastor; Father: David (53), works in security technology
12. Who are some of your closest friends? They know who they are; Jaz, Nita, Diana, J...
Please copy mine below, erase my answers, putting yours in their places, and then post the result in your journal. Please elaborate on the questions which would benefit from elaboration! One-word-answers seldom help anyone out.
1. Name: Yvonne, known as: Vonnie, Cyndi, Luna
2. Age: 22
3. Location: Missouri Valley, IA / Omaha, NE / Council Bluffs, IA
4. Occupation: Parental Unit / Ace Hardware
5. Partner: Husband; Justin. Married 4 yrs (01/25/05) together forever! LOL (05/21/02)
6. Kids: Lily (12/26/05); Iris (10/26/07); Rose (due 07/09)
7. Brothers/Sisters: Sister-Sol (34), Brothers-Nestor (29), David (25) I very rarely speak to any of them.
8. Pets: dog (Missy); 2 cats (Gary, Jules)
9. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:
1. Being a mom
2. Being a wife
3. Getting through depression
4. Being pregnant
10. What did you go to school for? I dropped out...so it doesn't matter.
11. Parents: Mother: Ivonne (53), Non-Denominational Christian Pastor; Father: David (53), works in security technology
12. Who are some of your closest friends? They know who they are; Jaz, Nita, Diana, J...
Monday, January 19, 2009
MLK and the Inauguration
As a minority, I have been a victim of racism, as a child living in the North-East coast, and as a teen living in the South. As an adult very few, if any, know that I am Hispanic. However, tomorrow the first African-American president will be inaugurated. There are no boundaries. Only you can create them. I just wish Dr. King was alive to see this day.
Artwork by Shepard Fairey
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
To whom it may concern:
I am not Dr. Ruth.
I am not Dear Abbie.
I am not a licensed professional.
I have my own damn problems; you can't expect me to always try and fix yours.
I am not Dear Abbie.
I am not a licensed professional.
I have my own damn problems; you can't expect me to always try and fix yours.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Happy New Year
1. Have a safe and rockin' 2009 eve. Don't drink and drive, or I'll hunt you down.
2. ames_baby ADD IT (if you haven't already)! Do it cuz I said it.
<3
2. ames_baby ADD IT (if you haven't already)! Do it cuz I said it.
<3
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Happy Holidays
For those who celebrated Yule, hope you had a blessed day. For those who celebrate Hanukkah, hope you are enjoying it. And a Merry Christmas and Kwanzaa to everyone else. :D
I was going to post a video of the girls, but the interwebs is pissing me off, so I just leave you with *hugs*
I was going to post a video of the girls, but the interwebs is pissing me off, so I just leave you with *hugs*
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Random
First off, since it is the New Year for me, I want to start doing things a bit differently.
To begin, I want to wish every November baby a happy birthday.
Tiffiny on the 14th
Perseus and Vane on the 17th
and Diana and Justin on the 23rd
(if I have missed anyone, let me know and I will edit this list)
Halloween went well. Lily dressed up as a scarecrow, while Iris was a little duck. It was a pleasant evening, and I worked that day. I made my costume. It took me three days to make a cute little witch hat, so I was determined to wear my costume to work, which I did, and every customer that came in that day was amused by my awesomeness. :)
For Samhain, I just lit a candle and said a prayer for all the loved ones long passed. I didn't do much, as I was exhausted from being on my feet all day at work, and then went trick-or-treating with the family, and then came home to give out candy... My house is still covered in decorations; I have to take them down and decorate for Thanksgiving now. I'll do that later in the week.
Work is good. I still enjoy it.
That is all.
To begin, I want to wish every November baby a happy birthday.
Tiffiny on the 14th
Perseus and Vane on the 17th
and Diana and Justin on the 23rd
(if I have missed anyone, let me know and I will edit this list)
Halloween went well. Lily dressed up as a scarecrow, while Iris was a little duck. It was a pleasant evening, and I worked that day. I made my costume. It took me three days to make a cute little witch hat, so I was determined to wear my costume to work, which I did, and every customer that came in that day was amused by my awesomeness. :)
For Samhain, I just lit a candle and said a prayer for all the loved ones long passed. I didn't do much, as I was exhausted from being on my feet all day at work, and then went trick-or-treating with the family, and then came home to give out candy... My house is still covered in decorations; I have to take them down and decorate for Thanksgiving now. I'll do that later in the week.
Work is good. I still enjoy it.
That is all.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Work
Work has been going well. I like working there and my coworkers are great. The owners are also very nice and are helping me out a lot when I'm lost and confused and have no idea what I'm doing. Which is getting rare. I've even been helping train our newest teammember, Mike. He's the youngest at 16. Then there's Alex, who I believe is 17, then me.
Anyway, I'm learning a lot, like I said. Jean has been there for 30 years and is goofy and I love working with her. Ted has been here 6 mths and is a total dork, really makes Saturday fly by. And the owners are Tom and Jan.
... ... ...
There was going to be more to this post but I totally forgot what I was going to write about.
Anyway, I'm learning a lot, like I said. Jean has been there for 30 years and is goofy and I love working with her. Ted has been here 6 mths and is a total dork, really makes Saturday fly by. And the owners are Tom and Jan.
... ... ...
There was going to be more to this post but I totally forgot what I was going to write about.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Therapy and an Update
So I've been going to therapy for the past few weeks, once a week, and the good news is that it's helping with my depression. The even better news is that the county has a sliding scale for patients with a certain income and I have absolutely no copayment for my weekly sessions. I go for free. My insurance pays the rest. Awesome.
A couple of days ago I applied at Ace Hardware since they have a large Help Wanted sign on their door. We are a bit tight financially (we're not suffering, but any surprises and we're fucked) so I went and started applying everywhere nearby again. Anyway, I had an interview yesterday. My orientation is tomorrow and I start work on Thursday. I am super excited. :D Last time I applied everywhere not a single company called. This time, not only did I get an interview but I got the job. I've been praying regularly and this time the Divine thought it was a proper time to get a job. Last time, Iris was still only a couple of months old, so even I knew it wasn't a good time. Now, she's almost weaned off the breast and almost a year old (where the fuck has the time gone?!) so it's a good opportunity.
I won't know my schedule until tomorrow. All I know is that I work Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, which are J's days off, so they work. I'll barely see my husband, but we can at least start paying off those medical bills that have accumulated over the last couple of years thanks to my sickly ass. I know we owe like 3k for my hospital stay when I had my gallbladder removed alone. And I'll be able to help out with other bills. Granted, I'm only making minimum wage, but it's better than nothing at all.
A couple of days ago I applied at Ace Hardware since they have a large Help Wanted sign on their door. We are a bit tight financially (we're not suffering, but any surprises and we're fucked) so I went and started applying everywhere nearby again. Anyway, I had an interview yesterday. My orientation is tomorrow and I start work on Thursday. I am super excited. :D Last time I applied everywhere not a single company called. This time, not only did I get an interview but I got the job. I've been praying regularly and this time the Divine thought it was a proper time to get a job. Last time, Iris was still only a couple of months old, so even I knew it wasn't a good time. Now, she's almost weaned off the breast and almost a year old (where the fuck has the time gone?!) so it's a good opportunity.
I won't know my schedule until tomorrow. All I know is that I work Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, which are J's days off, so they work. I'll barely see my husband, but we can at least start paying off those medical bills that have accumulated over the last couple of years thanks to my sickly ass. I know we owe like 3k for my hospital stay when I had my gallbladder removed alone. And I'll be able to help out with other bills. Granted, I'm only making minimum wage, but it's better than nothing at all.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Vision Quest
I'm going through a spiritual journey right now. So I'm going to be taking a bit of a vacation from blogging for about a month or so. If you want to know how I'm doing, or you want me to know how you're doing, or you're bored as shit and just want to say hi ;) feel free to e-mail me at yvonne.ames@gmail.com. I check it daily. Or feel free to call me on my cell. Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well.
Personally, I'm pretty good right now. Been keeping distracted by reading or cleaning something. Emotionally, I've just kept it aside, and when it gets too much, I just write it down. I'll be seeing my doctor on Wednesday to talk it out. I'm tired of meds, so I'm going to see what alternatives I have for my depression and what I can do about it. I know I need to change my way of thinking, which I am working on. I've checked out a book about overcoming depression as well as the book The Secret, which I have only heard good reviews about. (Though I'm a little side-tracked, because I've been busy reading fiction by Ann Hoffman)
Again, feel free to get a hold of me if you want to. <3
Personally, I'm pretty good right now. Been keeping distracted by reading or cleaning something. Emotionally, I've just kept it aside, and when it gets too much, I just write it down. I'll be seeing my doctor on Wednesday to talk it out. I'm tired of meds, so I'm going to see what alternatives I have for my depression and what I can do about it. I know I need to change my way of thinking, which I am working on. I've checked out a book about overcoming depression as well as the book The Secret, which I have only heard good reviews about. (Though I'm a little side-tracked, because I've been busy reading fiction by Ann Hoffman)
Again, feel free to get a hold of me if you want to. <3
Sunday, September 14, 2008
My depression has been getting worse the past couple of days. It hit a terrible low on Thursday and last night I broke down in tears while praying. I thought I had gotten most of it out of my system, but apparently I was wrong. I began crying in my sleep, J woke me up to see if I was ok, and I just couldn't stop sobbing. So he scooted closer and just held me until I passed out. I know at one point he kissed my cheek when I slept, but I could have dreamt it, though I doubt it. Either way, he made me feel better.
I'm still trying to get over it. I don't know why I'm depressed. I don't know why I keep revisiting my past in my dreams. I keep having nightmares, and the only way I can sleep through them is if I take my allergy/cold medicine before bed. If not, I wake up every hour or just don't slepe at all. It's like a shitty remake scene of a Nightmare on Elm street movie. Don't sleep or Freddy wiill get you.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I keep dreaming of suicide or having urges of just leaving everyone, neglecting my kids, etc, when I'm awake. I haven't spoken to J about it mostly because I'm embarrased about the way I feel. Also because he usually teases me when I am sick, calls me a hypochondriac, or tries to make a joke about it. I just don't feel like being made fun of for this when its been emotionally fucking with me for the past few days.
I was slightly euphoric on Monday, and by Thursday I was damn near suicidal. I just don't know where my emotions just plummeted and I don't know how to handle it or who to talk to about it. The only reason why I'm writing it in here is because writing seems to be the best therapy I have. It's just one of those things I can always count on to make me feel a little less like a mental case.
I don't know if I can explain it. I want to be okay. I want to be functional. I want to change into a better person. But even when I try my hardest, it goes unnoticed. I want to do something, and it's like my brain shuts down and says "No, fuck you." I just don't understand why for me waking up in the morning has to be an obstacle. And I don't want it to be. I don't like feeling worthless and useless. I just don't, but for some reason I can't seem to get this feeling out.
Ugh, I annoy myself.
I'm still trying to get over it. I don't know why I'm depressed. I don't know why I keep revisiting my past in my dreams. I keep having nightmares, and the only way I can sleep through them is if I take my allergy/cold medicine before bed. If not, I wake up every hour or just don't slepe at all. It's like a shitty remake scene of a Nightmare on Elm street movie. Don't sleep or Freddy wiill get you.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I keep dreaming of suicide or having urges of just leaving everyone, neglecting my kids, etc, when I'm awake. I haven't spoken to J about it mostly because I'm embarrased about the way I feel. Also because he usually teases me when I am sick, calls me a hypochondriac, or tries to make a joke about it. I just don't feel like being made fun of for this when its been emotionally fucking with me for the past few days.
I was slightly euphoric on Monday, and by Thursday I was damn near suicidal. I just don't know where my emotions just plummeted and I don't know how to handle it or who to talk to about it. The only reason why I'm writing it in here is because writing seems to be the best therapy I have. It's just one of those things I can always count on to make me feel a little less like a mental case.
I don't know if I can explain it. I want to be okay. I want to be functional. I want to change into a better person. But even when I try my hardest, it goes unnoticed. I want to do something, and it's like my brain shuts down and says "No, fuck you." I just don't understand why for me waking up in the morning has to be an obstacle. And I don't want it to be. I don't like feeling worthless and useless. I just don't, but for some reason I can't seem to get this feeling out.
Ugh, I annoy myself.
Monday, September 08, 2008
I hate being sick.
And I hate my babies being sick even more.
I love the cuddle time I get when they wake up and that's all they want to do, but we're all runny-nosed and moody. Cranky as all get out.
We've been going to the library every day (or almost every day) for "school". I like it better than home because of the cute little chairs and tables and the cats and dog won't get in the way. Also, Iris doesn't eat the crayons because she's distracted by other things around her. At home she likes to tip everything over and then proceed to lick every crayon thoroughly. Lily gets to meet new people and show-off to DeAnn (children's librarian).
Twenty-one worksheets for Lily this week...I don't know how I'm going to space them out yet. We're going to Head Start tomorrow (today?) to meet with the coordinators and check out the program. It's a half-hour walk; we'll pick flowers and leaves on the way like we always do. I'm really hoping they will take her early. I'm at a loss on what to do for her when I can't seem to find a preschool curriculum (read free curriculum) that is set for 2 to 3 year olds. Everything I find is set for 4-5. She has the shapes, letters, numbers, and colors down, and we're now working on writing and drawing them all. I think everything is going well (she's writing her own name now) but it's nice to be able to learn something from the professionals.
I'm thinking of going back to school again. This time for journalism. I'm not sure though. J has never really seen any of my research or my essays. Most of them are based on research I did for my circle or Pagan classes, so I know he wouldn't really be interested. But since he hasn't seen what I can do or what I've done, he doesn't know whether or not I have a definite interest in it. I love to write, I love to do research, and I love to write about research. I've done a couple of essays for my circle's newsletter, but like I said, those all have something to do on Paganism. I'd love to be a professional writer some day, but I'm a terrible author; my imagination ain't what it used to be. I'd rather write about facts and opinions.
My strongest subjects in school, the subjects that I was placed in Advanced Placement learning for and the Talented and Gifted program (talkative and goofy), were English and Social Studies. Journalism would be a great way to combine my strongest subjects. I'll have to do a little research on schools offering and the pay and such, but I think this might be it. I would really like to continue my education and have something my girls can be proud of. Seriously, I would not like them to think of me as someone who was mediocre at best in her career--if I ever do get one.
I need sleep. I wish I wasn't so sick. Damn you, J, for giving me this cold/flu/thing/disease.
And I hate my babies being sick even more.
I love the cuddle time I get when they wake up and that's all they want to do, but we're all runny-nosed and moody. Cranky as all get out.
We've been going to the library every day (or almost every day) for "school". I like it better than home because of the cute little chairs and tables and the cats and dog won't get in the way. Also, Iris doesn't eat the crayons because she's distracted by other things around her. At home she likes to tip everything over and then proceed to lick every crayon thoroughly. Lily gets to meet new people and show-off to DeAnn (children's librarian).
Twenty-one worksheets for Lily this week...I don't know how I'm going to space them out yet. We're going to Head Start tomorrow (today?) to meet with the coordinators and check out the program. It's a half-hour walk; we'll pick flowers and leaves on the way like we always do. I'm really hoping they will take her early. I'm at a loss on what to do for her when I can't seem to find a preschool curriculum (read free curriculum) that is set for 2 to 3 year olds. Everything I find is set for 4-5. She has the shapes, letters, numbers, and colors down, and we're now working on writing and drawing them all. I think everything is going well (she's writing her own name now) but it's nice to be able to learn something from the professionals.
I'm thinking of going back to school again. This time for journalism. I'm not sure though. J has never really seen any of my research or my essays. Most of them are based on research I did for my circle or Pagan classes, so I know he wouldn't really be interested. But since he hasn't seen what I can do or what I've done, he doesn't know whether or not I have a definite interest in it. I love to write, I love to do research, and I love to write about research. I've done a couple of essays for my circle's newsletter, but like I said, those all have something to do on Paganism. I'd love to be a professional writer some day, but I'm a terrible author; my imagination ain't what it used to be. I'd rather write about facts and opinions.
My strongest subjects in school, the subjects that I was placed in Advanced Placement learning for and the Talented and Gifted program (talkative and goofy), were English and Social Studies. Journalism would be a great way to combine my strongest subjects. I'll have to do a little research on schools offering and the pay and such, but I think this might be it. I would really like to continue my education and have something my girls can be proud of. Seriously, I would not like them to think of me as someone who was mediocre at best in her career--if I ever do get one.
I need sleep. I wish I wasn't so sick. Damn you, J, for giving me this cold/flu/thing/disease.
I hate being sick.
And I hate my babies being sick even more.
I love the cuddle time I get when they wake up and that's all they want to do, but we're all runny-nosed and moody. Cranky as all get out.
We've been going to the library every day (or almost every day) for "school". I like it better than home because of the cute little chairs and tables and the cats and dog won't get in the way. Also, Iris doesn't eat the crayons because she's distracted by other things around her. At home she likes to tip everything over and then proceed to lick every crayon thoroughly. Lily gets to meet new people and show-off to DeAnn (children's librarian).
Twenty-one worksheets for Lily this week...I don't know how I'm going to space them out yet. We're going to Head Start tomorrow (today?) to meet with the coordinators and check out the program. It's a half-hour walk; we'll pick flowers and leaves on the way like we always do. I'm really hoping they will take her early. I'm at a loss on what to do for her when I can't seem to find a preschool curriculum (read free curriculum) that is set for 2 to 3 year olds. Everything I find is set for 4-5. She has the shapes, letters, numbers, and colors down, and we're now working on writing and drawing them all. I think everything is going well (she's writing her own name now) but it's nice to be able to learn something from the professionals.
I'm thinking of going back to school again. This time for journalism. I'm not sure though. J has never really seen any of my research or my essays. Most of them are based on research I did for my circle or Pagan classes, so I know he wouldn't really be interested. But since he hasn't seen what I can do or what I've done, he doesn't know whether or not I have a definite interest in it. I love to write, I love to do research, and I love to write about research. I've done a couple of essays for my circle's newsletter, but like I said, those all have something to do on Paganism. I'd love to be a professional writer some day, but I'm a terrible author; my imagination ain't what it used to be. I'd rather write about facts and opinions.
My strongest subjects in school, the subjects that I was placed in Advanced Placement learning for and the Talented and Gifted program (talkative and goofy), were English and Social Studies. Journalism would be a great way to combine my strongest subjects. I'll have to do a little research on schools offering and the pay and such, but I think this might be it. I would really like to continue my education and have something my girls can be proud of. Seriously, I would not like them to think of me as someone who was mediocre at best in her career--if I ever do get one.
I need sleep. I wish I wasn't so sick. Damn you, J, for giving me this cold/flu/thing/disease.
And I hate my babies being sick even more.
I love the cuddle time I get when they wake up and that's all they want to do, but we're all runny-nosed and moody. Cranky as all get out.
We've been going to the library every day (or almost every day) for "school". I like it better than home because of the cute little chairs and tables and the cats and dog won't get in the way. Also, Iris doesn't eat the crayons because she's distracted by other things around her. At home she likes to tip everything over and then proceed to lick every crayon thoroughly. Lily gets to meet new people and show-off to DeAnn (children's librarian).
Twenty-one worksheets for Lily this week...I don't know how I'm going to space them out yet. We're going to Head Start tomorrow (today?) to meet with the coordinators and check out the program. It's a half-hour walk; we'll pick flowers and leaves on the way like we always do. I'm really hoping they will take her early. I'm at a loss on what to do for her when I can't seem to find a preschool curriculum (read free curriculum) that is set for 2 to 3 year olds. Everything I find is set for 4-5. She has the shapes, letters, numbers, and colors down, and we're now working on writing and drawing them all. I think everything is going well (she's writing her own name now) but it's nice to be able to learn something from the professionals.
I'm thinking of going back to school again. This time for journalism. I'm not sure though. J has never really seen any of my research or my essays. Most of them are based on research I did for my circle or Pagan classes, so I know he wouldn't really be interested. But since he hasn't seen what I can do or what I've done, he doesn't know whether or not I have a definite interest in it. I love to write, I love to do research, and I love to write about research. I've done a couple of essays for my circle's newsletter, but like I said, those all have something to do on Paganism. I'd love to be a professional writer some day, but I'm a terrible author; my imagination ain't what it used to be. I'd rather write about facts and opinions.
My strongest subjects in school, the subjects that I was placed in Advanced Placement learning for and the Talented and Gifted program (talkative and goofy), were English and Social Studies. Journalism would be a great way to combine my strongest subjects. I'll have to do a little research on schools offering and the pay and such, but I think this might be it. I would really like to continue my education and have something my girls can be proud of. Seriously, I would not like them to think of me as someone who was mediocre at best in her career--if I ever do get one.
I need sleep. I wish I wasn't so sick. Damn you, J, for giving me this cold/flu/thing/disease.
So, last week I'm cleaning dishes and such and decide to reorganize/switch the storage of pots and pans. (They were on the opposite side by the pantry while the juice was under the stovetop) J comes in the kitchen and helps me out, there had been a few peices of wood, metal contraptions from the previous owner of this house and bits and peices of things I don't even know what they were. In this group was some left-over tile. J picks it up and heads to the basement wondering where this tile came from. He didn't believe the tile he was holding was used anywhere in the house. I grab his attention and he looks up to find me pointing in the direction of the sink/stove/counters. The left-over tile he was holding was the tile used on that kitchen wall. His response: "Oh my god! There's tile there?!" (or something along those lines, as I do not remember the exact wording--I just know I damn near pissed myself I was trying not to laugh too hard)
We have lived in this house for over a year. We moved in June 1, 2007 and last week was when J noticed there was tile on the back wall of the kitchen. He cooks, and he used to be the one who washed the dishes, so how he went a YEAR without noticing the tile is beyond me.
I love my husband. He amuses the shit out of me.
We have lived in this house for over a year. We moved in June 1, 2007 and last week was when J noticed there was tile on the back wall of the kitchen. He cooks, and he used to be the one who washed the dishes, so how he went a YEAR without noticing the tile is beyond me.
I love my husband. He amuses the shit out of me.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
I just realized that ten years have passed. Ten years have passed since I last felt disgusting and filthy in my own bed. Ten years have passed since I hated my body so much I wanted to tear off my skin. Ten years have passed since my step father last touched me. Ten years have passed.
I'm emotionally fucked for all eternity. This I know. But I didn't do this to myself, and it didn't happen because being emo was a fad in high school. I wasn't depressed and messed up for shits and giggles, I didn't do it for attention, and it wasn't because it was “hip” or “cool.” From the age of nine up until I was twelve-years-old, my stepfather came into my room every night to touch, to rape, and to humiliate me. And every day I would go by as if nothing had happen. Every day I would hate myself more and more for saying nothing. Every night I would fight with sleep and wake up in the middle of the night to have it happen again. And every day I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to stop it. I didn't know I could.
My innocence was stolen from me when I was 9. My voice and my self-esteem and self-respect went with it. Little by little I built myself back up and slowly but surely I worked to be sane again. He came fewer and fewer times after I had begun menstruating. He came even less when I had begun to lose massive amounts of weight. And then he finally stopped. A year passed and no more late-night visits. But I would still scream in the middle of the night, I would still wake up sweating and crying, clinging on to my clothes, praying. Mentally I was caged. He had torn me apart from the outside in and out again.
At that point I had lost so much weight that my friends became concerned. I was gaunt, and frail, and terribly sick. I was forced to go to my counselor's office and there she coaxed out what I had been wanting to say for years. “Does your father touch you?” “Yes.” I was such a mess. At that time a hurricane had blown through Puerto Rico and we had only heard from half of our family. The other half, we didnt know if they were ok. (In the end, the entire family was fine.) But I was worried out of my mind. I was 13, but my nerves were shot. Add that to sleepless nights and a constant fear and well, I was slowly killing myself. I had tried to commit suicide the year before, but I just couldn't come to terms with that. This seemed easier.
I am now twenty-two. I have not seen my stepfather since I was 13 only because he committed suicide a week after I confessed to my counselor. C.I.D. had removed him from our house and he had been staying with some friends. He drove off for work that morning only to be found in his car dying from self-inflicted poisoning. He had drunk a bottle of some cleaner that I don't remember.
My mother found his diary about a year or two after we had moved back to Texas. He had written saying that he felt like he had done nothing wrong, that all he ever did was teach me. And I remembered that every night he would tell me that all he was doing was teaching me. That I needed to learn. I don't know what he thought he was teaching a 9, 10, 11 year-old, but he can't teach anyone else anymore.
One thing I know for certain is that I am strong. I much stronger than he is and I will continue to be strong. I was not the coward. I was not the one who committed suicide. I faced my fear and beat it, and even though there are nights where I still cry out for help, I am ok.
It has been ten years since my childhood disappeared. It has been ten years since I knew I could survive.
I just feel like typing right now.
Ever have the feeling of writing or typing up something but never know what to write about? i have that problem often. It's like never-ending writer's block. I keep an online journal, I keep a paper journal, and I doodle a ton, but I just can't seem to keep thoughts in one place or put creatove thought on paper. My fingers tingle and itch to type keys or grab a pencil or pen and once my hand hits keyboard or paper...nothing. My mind turns up a total blank.
Right now I'm just typing what comes to mind...a bit like a stream of conciousness. I haven't done poetry like that in a while. I prefer slam poetry though. It's a lot more fun. I haven't done that in a while, either. I haven't really written much in the past coupld of years. Just been busy with other things. Creatively speaking, I've been in a sort of funk.
I want to get a bit of extra cash so I can help out financially. I want to turn my life around and do my part financially. No one wants to hire me here, but that is only because I have very little work experience. J doesn't want me working because he thinks the girls are still too young for me to leave them with a sitter on a daily basis. Even then, we can't afford a sitter or child care. We'd actually be worse off if I did find a job and put them in child care. It's so fucking expensive. I've applied at several places in town, but still nothing. I'm willing to not spend any time with my husband so that I can work; trade off on days where he works Sunday through Wednesday and I could work Thursday through Sunday, or something along those lines. But he still thinks it's a bad idea. He really doesn't want me working, but I feel like I should be bringing in something. Anything. I've been wracking my brain for things I could possibly do out of the home for a little extra money, but like I've said previously, I am jack of all trades master of none—mediocre with everything at best. The only passion I have is my faith, so unless I can get paid for being spiritual, I got nothing. ;)
I feel so out of it lately. Even when I'm working with Lily, I space out. Right now I'm sure it's just me being sick, but I don't really know. My health is so fucked up right now, but I am working to get it back on track.
Sometimes I wish I could just sleep forever
Ever have the feeling of writing or typing up something but never know what to write about? i have that problem often. It's like never-ending writer's block. I keep an online journal, I keep a paper journal, and I doodle a ton, but I just can't seem to keep thoughts in one place or put creatove thought on paper. My fingers tingle and itch to type keys or grab a pencil or pen and once my hand hits keyboard or paper...nothing. My mind turns up a total blank.
Right now I'm just typing what comes to mind...a bit like a stream of conciousness. I haven't done poetry like that in a while. I prefer slam poetry though. It's a lot more fun. I haven't done that in a while, either. I haven't really written much in the past coupld of years. Just been busy with other things. Creatively speaking, I've been in a sort of funk.
I want to get a bit of extra cash so I can help out financially. I want to turn my life around and do my part financially. No one wants to hire me here, but that is only because I have very little work experience. J doesn't want me working because he thinks the girls are still too young for me to leave them with a sitter on a daily basis. Even then, we can't afford a sitter or child care. We'd actually be worse off if I did find a job and put them in child care. It's so fucking expensive. I've applied at several places in town, but still nothing. I'm willing to not spend any time with my husband so that I can work; trade off on days where he works Sunday through Wednesday and I could work Thursday through Sunday, or something along those lines. But he still thinks it's a bad idea. He really doesn't want me working, but I feel like I should be bringing in something. Anything. I've been wracking my brain for things I could possibly do out of the home for a little extra money, but like I've said previously, I am jack of all trades master of none—mediocre with everything at best. The only passion I have is my faith, so unless I can get paid for being spiritual, I got nothing. ;)
I feel so out of it lately. Even when I'm working with Lily, I space out. Right now I'm sure it's just me being sick, but I don't really know. My health is so fucked up right now, but I am working to get it back on track.
Sometimes I wish I could just sleep forever
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
This is an audio post.
Click the following link to hear the message:
http://www.zshare.net/audio/57180173983a1c9a/
Click the following link to hear the message:
http://www.zshare.net/audio/57180173983a1c9a/
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
This post is an audio post.
Click the following link to hear the message:
http://www.zshare.net/audio/5717986366dd1557/
Click the following link to hear the message:
http://www.zshare.net/audio/5717986366dd1557/
Friday, August 29, 2008
I need to get a bit off my chest. I haven't really put my feelings out there, and I need to release or I may just implode, and well, that's never a good thing.
Don't take pride in being different, that's just silly. Take pride in being true to yourself and not pretending to be someone you're not.
I have a love for all things different, only because they are originals. I don't mind everyday things, but why be a carbon copy of something when you can be unique and refreshing? I'm not saying be wild and outrageous in a way that's just downright annoying and destructive, but be real and honest and know who you are and what you believe in.
I embrace my individuality and don't let others bring me down. It hurts when they try, a lot. They can ruffle my feathers so bad that I make myself ill for a day. The next day, however, I gather myself up and move forward. I know I am different and sometimes bizarre, but I am not wild and rebellious. I am not destructive. I am kind, and loving, and I try my best to be a decent human being. I may not be perfect, and I may not be what a lot of people like, but I am what I like. The only people I aim to please are my children and my husband and if they are happy with me, then I am happy. I don't give a flying fig to what anyone else thinks. I do what I have to do, what I need to do, and what I want to do; what I think is best for my family and myself. And if anyone has a problem with that, they will just have to deal. Say all the mean and hurtful things you want; karma will surely come around and smack you hard. I love myself for who and what I am.
Now am I perfect? Nowhere near it. Am I special in a way where I could win awards or change the world? Probably not. But do I try and improve myself as much as I can? Absolutely. There is always room for improvement no matter who you are.
The only reason why I'm typing this is because not too long ago someone bumped my bumpers real hard and it made me so upset that for a moment I doubted myself as a person. The only reason it didn't get to me too strongly is because my husband reminded me why he loves me and what he loves about me. That made me feel fantastic. Now I handled myself as gracefully as I could with this person, but I was still very frustrated and hurt. This person had said a lot of mean and hateful things and it was difficult for me to play nice. I did, however, and just slowly began to let it go. I knew that this person would eventually get what was coming to them one way or another.
This happened a lot sooner than I thought and even though a part of me inside is jumping with glee, I feel terrible for them. I know it's karma, that universal energy that gives you in return what you had sent out. I know that it should come as no surprise, but I still feel terrible that it has happened. I just hope and pray that this person will heal and better than judge others for how they do things look at themself first before things go wrong again.Wednesday, August 27, 2008
I feel like utter shit today.
I could not sleep at all last night. I didn't finally fall asleep until 4 or 5 this morning and even after I had finally fallen asleep, Iris threw a hissy fit because she wanted to sleep in bed with me and not in her crib for a half hour sometime after 6. J had to wake our asses up at 15 passed 9. I haven't slept in that late in the last for a couple of weeks now.
I've been working with Lily on her schooling. I have an old preschool workbook that I got at a garage sale shortly after she was born and have been photocopying the pages for her to write on. So far, she's been writing the numbers 1 through 4. And she can spell and write her first name. I even bought her a little pad of paper with the dotted lines specifically meant for learning to write. She's doing really well and I'm very proud of her. I tell her every day what a good and smart girl she is.
I somehow lost 10 to 15 pounds without noticing. In the beginning of spring I was a size 12 in dresses. When I was terribly sick this summer, I went down to an 8. I am currently a 6 and have no idea how I got there. I'm somewhere between 115 and 120, which feels weird to me. I haven't been less than 120 without being horribly ill since before I got married. Oh well, at least I'm eating well and keeping active.
I think I'm catching a cold.
Did I mention I feel like utter shit?
I could not sleep at all last night. I didn't finally fall asleep until 4 or 5 this morning and even after I had finally fallen asleep, Iris threw a hissy fit because she wanted to sleep in bed with me and not in her crib for a half hour sometime after 6. J had to wake our asses up at 15 passed 9. I haven't slept in that late in the last for a couple of weeks now.
I've been working with Lily on her schooling. I have an old preschool workbook that I got at a garage sale shortly after she was born and have been photocopying the pages for her to write on. So far, she's been writing the numbers 1 through 4. And she can spell and write her first name. I even bought her a little pad of paper with the dotted lines specifically meant for learning to write. She's doing really well and I'm very proud of her. I tell her every day what a good and smart girl she is.
I somehow lost 10 to 15 pounds without noticing. In the beginning of spring I was a size 12 in dresses. When I was terribly sick this summer, I went down to an 8. I am currently a 6 and have no idea how I got there. I'm somewhere between 115 and 120, which feels weird to me. I haven't been less than 120 without being horribly ill since before I got married. Oh well, at least I'm eating well and keeping active.
I think I'm catching a cold.
Did I mention I feel like utter shit?
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Always be true to yourself and take pride in what you are and what you will be.
Never regret anything, or the guilt will consume you.
Always be willing to forgive if not forget.
If it works for you, don't change it just because it's not the norm.
Rock out with you cock out every day of the week.
I love my husband very much. He is awesome; I should listen to him more.
Have you told yourself "I love me" today?
Never regret anything, or the guilt will consume you.
Always be willing to forgive if not forget.
If it works for you, don't change it just because it's not the norm.
Rock out with you cock out every day of the week.
I love my husband very much. He is awesome; I should listen to him more.
Have you told yourself "I love me" today?
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Ugh....
I've started my first menstrual cycle today since concieving and having the baby. The first day of my last cycle was 587 days ago. I am not happy. I'm crampy, sore, tired, bloated, cranky... however, I'm not surprised. I've been breastfeeding Iris less and less since she started eating solids two months ago. Still, I'm not very happy about the fact that my body is back to clearing out the uterus. *sigh* I hate periods.
I spent most of today cleaning up little areas of the house. My house is a total mess and if my mother wants to come up and visit, I need to clean it and soon. She returns from Honduras on Tuesday. So I cleaned up the "dining" room (It's supposed to be the dining room, but right now it has a blue papazan and a bunch of boxes) and the hallway to the living room and the front of the living room up to the computer. The entire room wasn't cleaned only because both of my cats kept attacking the broom or laying in the piles of random things for attention, or my children kept going through the mess. Thankfully I got most of it done. So tonight, after the girls are in bed, I'll be cleaning the rest of the living room and then tackling the parlor.
I don't really have much to update on. I've been cleaning little by little so that I don't drive myself nuts, but at the same time not have my house as a pig stye like it normally is. I've been reorganizing the crafting room and have moved my altar and all of my spiritual items in there as well. I didn't have a problem with it being in my husband's closet up in our bedroom, but Lily loved to go in there just to mess with my things. Too many sharp and breakable/valuable objects for her to be messing with, so it had to be moved into an area that she didnt have easy access to.
My allergies are wreaking havoc to my body. Mainly it's because I'm allergic to two of the three pets I have (cats). I love Jules and Gibbs but if I don't sanitize my hands immediately after handling them, terrible things happen to my face. ;) Also, messing with this dusty, nasty house, isn't all that great for my sinuses either.
Ever since putting Ubuntu on my iBook, I have been using this thing constantly. I love working with it. I don't do much online, but I love playing the games and with Gimp (which is a lot like Photoshop). Much fun is being had with this OS.
Did I mention that I am not happy with my body?
I've started my first menstrual cycle today since concieving and having the baby. The first day of my last cycle was 587 days ago. I am not happy. I'm crampy, sore, tired, bloated, cranky... however, I'm not surprised. I've been breastfeeding Iris less and less since she started eating solids two months ago. Still, I'm not very happy about the fact that my body is back to clearing out the uterus. *sigh* I hate periods.
I spent most of today cleaning up little areas of the house. My house is a total mess and if my mother wants to come up and visit, I need to clean it and soon. She returns from Honduras on Tuesday. So I cleaned up the "dining" room (It's supposed to be the dining room, but right now it has a blue papazan and a bunch of boxes) and the hallway to the living room and the front of the living room up to the computer. The entire room wasn't cleaned only because both of my cats kept attacking the broom or laying in the piles of random things for attention, or my children kept going through the mess. Thankfully I got most of it done. So tonight, after the girls are in bed, I'll be cleaning the rest of the living room and then tackling the parlor.
I don't really have much to update on. I've been cleaning little by little so that I don't drive myself nuts, but at the same time not have my house as a pig stye like it normally is. I've been reorganizing the crafting room and have moved my altar and all of my spiritual items in there as well. I didn't have a problem with it being in my husband's closet up in our bedroom, but Lily loved to go in there just to mess with my things. Too many sharp and breakable/valuable objects for her to be messing with, so it had to be moved into an area that she didnt have easy access to.
My allergies are wreaking havoc to my body. Mainly it's because I'm allergic to two of the three pets I have (cats). I love Jules and Gibbs but if I don't sanitize my hands immediately after handling them, terrible things happen to my face. ;) Also, messing with this dusty, nasty house, isn't all that great for my sinuses either.
Ever since putting Ubuntu on my iBook, I have been using this thing constantly. I love working with it. I don't do much online, but I love playing the games and with Gimp (which is a lot like Photoshop). Much fun is being had with this OS.
Did I mention that I am not happy with my body?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I have been asking myself lately 'what is my calling out in the world?' Somewhere along the lines of when my mother asks "What does God want of me?" And I can't seem to answer this question at all.
Since as far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a teacher. College-graduate and certified. I had gotten a music scholarship and was going to be a music teacher but turned away from that because I was unhappy with my life and easily unsatisfied. I grew bored with music education. Don't get me wrong, I love it very much, I've been a vocalist since I was two, but it just wasn't something I wanted to do every day for the rest of my life. So I quit, got married, and had my daughters instead.
I've tried going back to school with no success. I tried out web development since I already know html coding, a bit of java and love to play and create graphics. Didn't work out; I again was bored out of my mind. So a day or two ago I think that maybe just an elementary teacher could do. Then my husband reminded me that I would be stuck with that job every day for the rest of my career and that was it. You can't get a promotion or anything, you stay the same thing. It's crap pay, and most children and their parents don't respect you, etc. So much for that idea. My husband asked me "why do you keep wanting to find something to get away from your children?" And it's not like that at all. (Okay, maybe a little, but not all of it)
I love my babies. They are my world. But I sometimes feel like something is missing. I feel out of balance. My marriage is great. My husband, though an atheist, respects me emotionally, physically, sexually, and every other way imaginable. My children are wonderful. Though they are spoiled and bratty, they are two of the most well-mannered, considerate, intelligent, and well-behaved children I know. They just know they have Mommy wrapped around their little fingers so they milk it for all its worth. ;) I have three great pets. Missy (dog) is a great companion, though a bit of a spaz sometimes. She's so loving and playful. Though I sometimes neglect her because I can't really play with her. We have no fence and she likes to run off when excited, and her barks and growls, though playful, scare Iris. Gibbs and Jules (cats) are crazy, but I love them and they love me. Thankfully, they are no longer spraying my house. I live in a lovely Victorian-era home. I have plenty of food and clothing. And a functioning semi-new car. Finances are tight sometimes, but we do well. We do a lot better than most of the people of my generation. (My husband is 25, I am 22) I am missing nothing and need nothing.
However, spiritually, I feel like I could and should be doing more. I know I don't have to. I take care of the pets, the kids (and very rarely [almost non-existant] the house). My husband works his butt off at work and then comes home, does laundry, and cooks the food. (I can't cook to save my life, I've tried) So I know we have our hands full but I feel like I need to be doing something extra. So I'm on a vision quest.
I've analyzed my skills---jack of all trades, master of none. I've been teaching Runes and Wicca 101, but it's all been online because the people who take/took them all live far away. I would love to hold something here at home like that, but I don't know anyone nearby. And everything else, I'm mediocre at best.
I have my minister's license (and am currently working for chaplain) but I have no real use for it. The only reason I am taking the classes is because it kills time when I don't have anything left to do at the end of the day and the girls are asleep. Along with the outreach mission, my mom wants me to be a part of her ministry and start a branch of her church here. I obviously turned it down. (I don't remember if I've said this or not but she has conveniently forgotten I am Pagan, and I really don't feel like reminding her.) Though, like I mentioned in my previous entry, the idea of a ministry is tempting.
Last Wednesday I went to the Pagan House Church in Omaha with my healing circle for our ritual. It's part of a house that was turned into a community (several people live there) as well as a sacred place. I couldn't help but wonder and imagine how awesome that would be to have a Pagan church nearby, or even a fellowship place where Pagans could come to commune together. I always think of it when I pass by the For Sale sign in front of the old Community of Christ Church building. But like I said in my previous entry, even if that was what I was meant to do, I have no idea how to go about it.
*sigh* I am tired and confused and everything in between. It's been a long school day (I homeschool my 2 year-old) and I need a nap.
Since as far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a teacher. College-graduate and certified. I had gotten a music scholarship and was going to be a music teacher but turned away from that because I was unhappy with my life and easily unsatisfied. I grew bored with music education. Don't get me wrong, I love it very much, I've been a vocalist since I was two, but it just wasn't something I wanted to do every day for the rest of my life. So I quit, got married, and had my daughters instead.
I've tried going back to school with no success. I tried out web development since I already know html coding, a bit of java and love to play and create graphics. Didn't work out; I again was bored out of my mind. So a day or two ago I think that maybe just an elementary teacher could do. Then my husband reminded me that I would be stuck with that job every day for the rest of my career and that was it. You can't get a promotion or anything, you stay the same thing. It's crap pay, and most children and their parents don't respect you, etc. So much for that idea. My husband asked me "why do you keep wanting to find something to get away from your children?" And it's not like that at all. (Okay, maybe a little, but not all of it)
I love my babies. They are my world. But I sometimes feel like something is missing. I feel out of balance. My marriage is great. My husband, though an atheist, respects me emotionally, physically, sexually, and every other way imaginable. My children are wonderful. Though they are spoiled and bratty, they are two of the most well-mannered, considerate, intelligent, and well-behaved children I know. They just know they have Mommy wrapped around their little fingers so they milk it for all its worth. ;) I have three great pets. Missy (dog) is a great companion, though a bit of a spaz sometimes. She's so loving and playful. Though I sometimes neglect her because I can't really play with her. We have no fence and she likes to run off when excited, and her barks and growls, though playful, scare Iris. Gibbs and Jules (cats) are crazy, but I love them and they love me. Thankfully, they are no longer spraying my house. I live in a lovely Victorian-era home. I have plenty of food and clothing. And a functioning semi-new car. Finances are tight sometimes, but we do well. We do a lot better than most of the people of my generation. (My husband is 25, I am 22) I am missing nothing and need nothing.
However, spiritually, I feel like I could and should be doing more. I know I don't have to. I take care of the pets, the kids (and very rarely [almost non-existant] the house). My husband works his butt off at work and then comes home, does laundry, and cooks the food. (I can't cook to save my life, I've tried) So I know we have our hands full but I feel like I need to be doing something extra. So I'm on a vision quest.
I've analyzed my skills---jack of all trades, master of none. I've been teaching Runes and Wicca 101, but it's all been online because the people who take/took them all live far away. I would love to hold something here at home like that, but I don't know anyone nearby. And everything else, I'm mediocre at best.
I have my minister's license (and am currently working for chaplain) but I have no real use for it. The only reason I am taking the classes is because it kills time when I don't have anything left to do at the end of the day and the girls are asleep. Along with the outreach mission, my mom wants me to be a part of her ministry and start a branch of her church here. I obviously turned it down. (I don't remember if I've said this or not but she has conveniently forgotten I am Pagan, and I really don't feel like reminding her.) Though, like I mentioned in my previous entry, the idea of a ministry is tempting.
Last Wednesday I went to the Pagan House Church in Omaha with my healing circle for our ritual. It's part of a house that was turned into a community (several people live there) as well as a sacred place. I couldn't help but wonder and imagine how awesome that would be to have a Pagan church nearby, or even a fellowship place where Pagans could come to commune together. I always think of it when I pass by the For Sale sign in front of the old Community of Christ Church building. But like I said in my previous entry, even if that was what I was meant to do, I have no idea how to go about it.
*sigh* I am tired and confused and everything in between. It's been a long school day (I homeschool my 2 year-old) and I need a nap.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I've fully potty-trained my oldest, which is nice. I didn't really do anything. One day she just fought with me because she didn't want to wear her diaper so I gave in and let her wear her panties. She went to the bathroom on her own and that was the end of that. It's nice only having to get diapers for one child instead of two. There's a bit of money saved.
I successfully quit smoking. It's been a month and a half so far and I'm very proud of myself. Now the only thing that needs working on is my food intake. I have the bad habit of eating when I'm bored and not drinking enough water. I've been diluting my juice with water (2 parts water, 1 part juice) to help me with that but I still eat way too much. I still breastfeed, which burns off calories, and I've been excersicing by walking and jogging for at least a half hour every day.
My parents want to come visit. I haven't seen my father since I was 15 and he's never met the girls so he is hoping that he can come up some weekend, some time soon, to have the girls meet their Abuelo. My mom leaves for Honduras on a ministry mission on Tuesday for a week and when she returns she hopes to come up here for a little R&R. I don't know what kind of rest and relaxation she's hoping for--I'm not sure she remembers just how crazy the girls are.
On the subject of my mom, I spoke to her last night to see how she has been doing (she's been sick) and when she leaves for her trip. She kept asking me about the churches here and if there is anything that the community does that helps those in need. I told her I don't really leave the house and don't really know. The only thing I know is that there is a food bank, and that's about it. (Which is true to some extent; I'm Pagan so I have no idea what the churches here do.) So she asked me what I thought of helping her expand the ministry and her mission to help others by being the head coordinator for it here in my county. I didn't really know what to say to her. I've always loved helping others and the community (I did it a lot with my mother when I lived with her) so I didn't want to say no. I think it's a great idea. BUT I don't have the heart to remind her that I am not Christian. I don't mind starting something like this or being affiliated with her church, but I know that she would definitely not like the fact that a bunch of Pagans are affiliated with her church.
I was talking about this with my healing circle yesterday after our healing ritual. I would love to start a Pagan ministry, but have no idea on how to go about it. It's difficult because of the fact that not all Pagans are on the same paths, similar, but not the same. The only way that there is a group of people that practice the same exact thing on the same level are those who are in a coven and practice with those members in a coven. An open circle is a group of mostly solitaries who follow their own paths and have their own personal teachings. I understand that yes, this is possible and could work; look at the Unitarians/Universalists, but I don't want to water down the religion or make it stale. I have a very strong passion for my religious beliefs. I have an urge to teach others. And I have an itch to start a ministry, but it's very frustrating when the only person who can give you ideas is your mom and she doesn't approve of your religious beliefs.
I don't really know what to do or say. Mother will be here sometime in September/October and I know she's going to want to begin a mission here. Like I said, I think this a great idea, but I don't want to be affiliated with a church that I don't follow it's religious teachings. I just don't have the heart to remind her that I am Wiccan. I don't hide it, but it's not obvious either.
I successfully quit smoking. It's been a month and a half so far and I'm very proud of myself. Now the only thing that needs working on is my food intake. I have the bad habit of eating when I'm bored and not drinking enough water. I've been diluting my juice with water (2 parts water, 1 part juice) to help me with that but I still eat way too much. I still breastfeed, which burns off calories, and I've been excersicing by walking and jogging for at least a half hour every day.
My parents want to come visit. I haven't seen my father since I was 15 and he's never met the girls so he is hoping that he can come up some weekend, some time soon, to have the girls meet their Abuelo. My mom leaves for Honduras on a ministry mission on Tuesday for a week and when she returns she hopes to come up here for a little R&R. I don't know what kind of rest and relaxation she's hoping for--I'm not sure she remembers just how crazy the girls are.
On the subject of my mom, I spoke to her last night to see how she has been doing (she's been sick) and when she leaves for her trip. She kept asking me about the churches here and if there is anything that the community does that helps those in need. I told her I don't really leave the house and don't really know. The only thing I know is that there is a food bank, and that's about it. (Which is true to some extent; I'm Pagan so I have no idea what the churches here do.) So she asked me what I thought of helping her expand the ministry and her mission to help others by being the head coordinator for it here in my county. I didn't really know what to say to her. I've always loved helping others and the community (I did it a lot with my mother when I lived with her) so I didn't want to say no. I think it's a great idea. BUT I don't have the heart to remind her that I am not Christian. I don't mind starting something like this or being affiliated with her church, but I know that she would definitely not like the fact that a bunch of Pagans are affiliated with her church.
I was talking about this with my healing circle yesterday after our healing ritual. I would love to start a Pagan ministry, but have no idea on how to go about it. It's difficult because of the fact that not all Pagans are on the same paths, similar, but not the same. The only way that there is a group of people that practice the same exact thing on the same level are those who are in a coven and practice with those members in a coven. An open circle is a group of mostly solitaries who follow their own paths and have their own personal teachings. I understand that yes, this is possible and could work; look at the Unitarians/Universalists, but I don't want to water down the religion or make it stale. I have a very strong passion for my religious beliefs. I have an urge to teach others. And I have an itch to start a ministry, but it's very frustrating when the only person who can give you ideas is your mom and she doesn't approve of your religious beliefs.
I don't really know what to do or say. Mother will be here sometime in September/October and I know she's going to want to begin a mission here. Like I said, I think this a great idea, but I don't want to be affiliated with a church that I don't follow it's religious teachings. I just don't have the heart to remind her that I am Wiccan. I don't hide it, but it's not obvious either.
Monday, August 04, 2008
Finally switched the OS on my OLD Mac laptop.
J bought me an iBook G3, Blueberry. The Mac OS X that was on it was the first one (10.0), from like 2004. That thing was aboust as compatible with anything as the likelyhood of Justin Timberlake hooking back up with Britney Spears. So, I needed an upgrade on OS and I was not going to spend an arm, a leg, and probably a kidney for a new Mac OS on this thing. Plus, the highest it could possibly take with its RAM would be Panther (10.3) and trying to find a reliable seller of that...yeah.
So I finally got it running on Ubuntu which is a Linux OS. It's actually pretty cool and I like the fact that I can use my laptop for more than just writing a simple text e-mail or a text document. I like the fact that my internet doesn't crap out whenever I try to log into LiveJournal, and I like the fact that I can update and install software without fearing that the damn thing is going to explode.
Anyway, yay. :)
J bought me an iBook G3, Blueberry. The Mac OS X that was on it was the first one (10.0), from like 2004. That thing was aboust as compatible with anything as the likelyhood of Justin Timberlake hooking back up with Britney Spears. So, I needed an upgrade on OS and I was not going to spend an arm, a leg, and probably a kidney for a new Mac OS on this thing. Plus, the highest it could possibly take with its RAM would be Panther (10.3) and trying to find a reliable seller of that...yeah.
So I finally got it running on Ubuntu which is a Linux OS. It's actually pretty cool and I like the fact that I can use my laptop for more than just writing a simple text e-mail or a text document. I like the fact that my internet doesn't crap out whenever I try to log into LiveJournal, and I like the fact that I can update and install software without fearing that the damn thing is going to explode.
Anyway, yay. :)
Thursday, July 31, 2008
So new people have begun reading this blog and I feel it is time to let everyone new know some stuff about myself. (Or remind anybody who may have forgotten) :D
My name is YvonneOrtiz Ames. I usually go by Vonnie (from my name), but am also known as Cyndi (from my obsession admiration) or Luna (from my religious path). Only a select few call me the last two. I am 22 yrs old, born 2 Jun 1986 and am Hispanic by birth. I was born in Puerto Rico but was raised in the states and am bilingual (English is my SECOND language, Spanish is my FIRST). I married my high school sweetheart 3 yrs ago (25 Jan 2005) and have two wonderful daughters named Lily [26 Dec 2005] & Iris [26 Oct 2007]. I'm naming my daughters after flowers. The general consensus is I'm a bit weird.
My mother is incredibly religious. She is a nondenominational Christian pastor and very devout. She has had a history of mental illness that I, unfortunately, have also. My step-father was a douche. He was controlling and abusive and molested me from the ages of 9 to 12 and I still hold a bit of anger toward that. He committed suicide when I was 13. I'm okay now, and know it was not my fault, but it has caused many problems with intimacy and trust. My biological father was non-existent in my childhood and only now am I getting to know him.
My husband and I are both total idiots. I love him to pieces and he's actually very bright, but he's done some serious harm in the past. I have done the same, if not more. We almost lost a lot of our lives because we didn't know how to communicate and instead would throw punches. After a lot of drama and dilemma, we came to realize that family is important no matter what and that our children deserve the best. He is currently one of the most awesome men I know (Jaz, your husband is another) and he spoils my daughters and I rotten. I've been spoiled so much that I don't even remember what parenting was like when I was separated. He's a nerd and is into comics, computers and video games. I am not and am into theology, Harry Potter, and blogging. We are the epitome of opposites attract and have absolutely nothing in common. We love each other a lot, but don't necessarily get along or like each other much. ;)
I'm a very devout Pagan, Wiccan to be exact. I practice regularly and am finding different ways to incorporate my beliefs in my daily life. My husband is atheist and doesn't really care what I believe as long as it makes me happy. We are not raising our children in any specific religious setting. We have several religious texts in the house. They will choose when they are old enough. For now I take them to my mother's church so they can go see their Abuela and let them tag along to any coven meets if they want to come with Mommy.
I'm jack of all trades and master of none, so I'm pretty useless. I can't cook to save my life. I hate to do chores and rarely keep up with the cleaning. And I quit college because I hate being tied down. I'm surprised I've stayed married. I'm someone who has to constantly keep moving. So the fact that I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere with no way to go anywhere because I have panic attacks behind the wheel and rely on my husband for transportation makes me a little mental.
I have a very musical background. I've been singing since the age of two, my grandmother was a vocalist, my uncle is a musician, and while growing up, as a family we would get together a couple of times a month and sing songs from my culture. I tried to learn piano but my attention span is next to nothing so I only know a little bit. And my guitar skills are worse. (Though I can play a really kick-ass tambourine) I can read sheet music, but that's about it. I'm a vocalist more than anything, and I love to sing to my girls. They love to be sung to and at night, when they are tired and upset, it is the only thing that will calm them. I had the opportunity to really make something out of myself through music when I was a bit younger, but I turned it down and her I am instead.
My health is not so great. As a teen I had an eating disorder (E.D. - non-specified), did drugs (marijuana & acid), drank, and smoked. After meeting J and feeling comfortable in my body, I was able to overcome my body image issues. After high school I got away from the bad crowd and no longer did drugs. After a bad experience with Everclear at a Frat party I lost my taste for alcohol. And after having to have my gallbladder removed because I was sick for half a year I decided to quit smoking. I had tried multiple times (I did not smoke during my pregnancies) but this time I really stuck with it. Because I did not take care of myself for so many years it has come to royally bite me in the ass. I have a bad hip, a bad back, grey hair, and get sick very easily. My joints hurt when it's too humid, sunlight gives me a headache and too much heat makes me dizzy. I'm currently working to get my health back.
I don't have much going on in my life right now. This is about as up to date as it will get. I'm hoping to audition for an Irish Punk band tomorrow and we'll see how that goes. And now I'm off. I need to do dishes.
If you would like to know more about me or have any questions or anything, feel free to ask; my life is an open book. I have no secrets and I regret nothing. :)
My name is Yvonne
My mother is incredibly religious. She is a nondenominational Christian pastor and very devout. She has had a history of mental illness that I, unfortunately, have also. My step-father was a douche. He was controlling and abusive and molested me from the ages of 9 to 12 and I still hold a bit of anger toward that. He committed suicide when I was 13. I'm okay now, and know it was not my fault, but it has caused many problems with intimacy and trust. My biological father was non-existent in my childhood and only now am I getting to know him.
My husband and I are both total idiots. I love him to pieces and he's actually very bright, but he's done some serious harm in the past. I have done the same, if not more. We almost lost a lot of our lives because we didn't know how to communicate and instead would throw punches. After a lot of drama and dilemma, we came to realize that family is important no matter what and that our children deserve the best. He is currently one of the most awesome men I know (Jaz, your husband is another) and he spoils my daughters and I rotten. I've been spoiled so much that I don't even remember what parenting was like when I was separated. He's a nerd and is into comics, computers and video games. I am not and am into theology, Harry Potter, and blogging. We are the epitome of opposites attract and have absolutely nothing in common. We love each other a lot, but don't necessarily get along or like each other much. ;)
I'm a very devout Pagan, Wiccan to be exact. I practice regularly and am finding different ways to incorporate my beliefs in my daily life. My husband is atheist and doesn't really care what I believe as long as it makes me happy. We are not raising our children in any specific religious setting. We have several religious texts in the house. They will choose when they are old enough. For now I take them to my mother's church so they can go see their Abuela and let them tag along to any coven meets if they want to come with Mommy.
I'm jack of all trades and master of none, so I'm pretty useless. I can't cook to save my life. I hate to do chores and rarely keep up with the cleaning. And I quit college because I hate being tied down. I'm surprised I've stayed married. I'm someone who has to constantly keep moving. So the fact that I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere with no way to go anywhere because I have panic attacks behind the wheel and rely on my husband for transportation makes me a little mental.
I have a very musical background. I've been singing since the age of two, my grandmother was a vocalist, my uncle is a musician, and while growing up, as a family we would get together a couple of times a month and sing songs from my culture. I tried to learn piano but my attention span is next to nothing so I only know a little bit. And my guitar skills are worse. (Though I can play a really kick-ass tambourine) I can read sheet music, but that's about it. I'm a vocalist more than anything, and I love to sing to my girls. They love to be sung to and at night, when they are tired and upset, it is the only thing that will calm them. I had the opportunity to really make something out of myself through music when I was a bit younger, but I turned it down and her I am instead.
My health is not so great. As a teen I had an eating disorder (E.D. - non-specified), did drugs (marijuana & acid), drank, and smoked. After meeting J and feeling comfortable in my body, I was able to overcome my body image issues. After high school I got away from the bad crowd and no longer did drugs. After a bad experience with Everclear at a Frat party I lost my taste for alcohol. And after having to have my gallbladder removed because I was sick for half a year I decided to quit smoking. I had tried multiple times (I did not smoke during my pregnancies) but this time I really stuck with it. Because I did not take care of myself for so many years it has come to royally bite me in the ass. I have a bad hip, a bad back, grey hair, and get sick very easily. My joints hurt when it's too humid, sunlight gives me a headache and too much heat makes me dizzy. I'm currently working to get my health back.
I don't have much going on in my life right now. This is about as up to date as it will get. I'm hoping to audition for an Irish Punk band tomorrow and we'll see how that goes. And now I'm off. I need to do dishes.
If you would like to know more about me or have any questions or anything, feel free to ask; my life is an open book. I have no secrets and I regret nothing. :)
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
So I promised an entry about my surgery...
...and I totally forgot. So her it goes, from the beginning.
Around August of last year, I started getting sick. I thought it was just some morning sickness due to the pregnancy, so I ignored it. I couldn't eat anything too greasy, or anything that would make me bloat, so when J had made some sweet potatoes with greens and pork and beans, I spent most of that night vomiting and then some. Everything was coming out of both ends. But since I was pregnant at the time, I didn't think twice about it.
Around December/Christmas, it happened again. This time, I was very scared. I had thrown up so much that I had started vomiting blood. I felt terrible, and I felt even worse because I was in the bathroom so much I couldn't nurse Iris, so I had my brother-in-law give her a bottle. I called the Emergency Room and spoke to the on call doctor. He said not to worry, I was too young for an ulcer and it was probably that I ate something my body didn't like.
Two months later, and I'm still sick. J thinks it's my diet. So I change it and nothing helps. I go to the doctor and he says I have hemorrhoids, so I get meds and take care of that. I'm still miserable, but J thinks I'm being a drama queen and a hypochondriac and that it's still just my diet. He thinks I'm making myself throw up. I just wanted to punch him.
Fast forward to June, four months later. I am sick on my birthday vomiting for hours. Later in the week, I am sick again and vomit all night. J thinks it's because we are on vacation and I've been eating junk. I am on the phone with my friend Meg and she mentions my gallbladder. Her brother is a vet and her mother is a nurse. I tell myself to go see a doctor as soon as we get back.
When we get home from vacation it gets worse. I am vomiting every day. I cannot eat. I changed my diet to a liquid diet just so I could survive the days. I am miserable, in pain, I have vomiting and diarrhea so bad that I end up bleeding and it feels like a I have a ping-pong ball wedge underneath my right ribcage. Meg mentions my gallbladder again. I look it up and mention it to J. He thinks I'm being over dramatic and that I'm self-diagnosing. So I go to the doctor and he prescribes me some pain medicine and some anti-nausea medicine as well. I stay with the liquid diet because I am nursing and I cannot take phenegran when breastfeeding.
Of course, as you know, I end up needing surgery and while in surgery they find a gallstone the thickness of my pinky lodged in one of the gallbladder's ducts. J looked at the picture in surprise and said "It looks like trying to shove a tennis ball through a garden hose."You'll see what he meant if you go to the previous post and check out the picture.
And, as you also know, the surgery went fantastically, and I feel great. My surgeon was awesome, my doctor is awesome, and my nurse (who oddly enough is my doctor's wife) was beyond awesome. I hated being in that hospital. I hate hospitals. But I needed to get better. I missed my girls. I hadn't realized just how much of my entertainment comes from them until I was stuck in the hospital and didn't want to be there.
I'm healed completely. It was just a couple of incisions that they used to stick the camera in and use the tools to cut out my gallbladder, sew up my insides, and pull the gallbladder through a tube. Its amazing what doctors can do.
...and I totally forgot. So her it goes, from the beginning.
Around August of last year, I started getting sick. I thought it was just some morning sickness due to the pregnancy, so I ignored it. I couldn't eat anything too greasy, or anything that would make me bloat, so when J had made some sweet potatoes with greens and pork and beans, I spent most of that night vomiting and then some. Everything was coming out of both ends. But since I was pregnant at the time, I didn't think twice about it.
Around December/Christmas, it happened again. This time, I was very scared. I had thrown up so much that I had started vomiting blood. I felt terrible, and I felt even worse because I was in the bathroom so much I couldn't nurse Iris, so I had my brother-in-law give her a bottle. I called the Emergency Room and spoke to the on call doctor. He said not to worry, I was too young for an ulcer and it was probably that I ate something my body didn't like.
Two months later, and I'm still sick. J thinks it's my diet. So I change it and nothing helps. I go to the doctor and he says I have hemorrhoids, so I get meds and take care of that. I'm still miserable, but J thinks I'm being a drama queen and a hypochondriac and that it's still just my diet. He thinks I'm making myself throw up. I just wanted to punch him.
Fast forward to June, four months later. I am sick on my birthday vomiting for hours. Later in the week, I am sick again and vomit all night. J thinks it's because we are on vacation and I've been eating junk. I am on the phone with my friend Meg and she mentions my gallbladder. Her brother is a vet and her mother is a nurse. I tell myself to go see a doctor as soon as we get back.
When we get home from vacation it gets worse. I am vomiting every day. I cannot eat. I changed my diet to a liquid diet just so I could survive the days. I am miserable, in pain, I have vomiting and diarrhea so bad that I end up bleeding and it feels like a I have a ping-pong ball wedge underneath my right ribcage. Meg mentions my gallbladder again. I look it up and mention it to J. He thinks I'm being over dramatic and that I'm self-diagnosing. So I go to the doctor and he prescribes me some pain medicine and some anti-nausea medicine as well. I stay with the liquid diet because I am nursing and I cannot take phenegran when breastfeeding.
Of course, as you know, I end up needing surgery and while in surgery they find a gallstone the thickness of my pinky lodged in one of the gallbladder's ducts. J looked at the picture in surprise and said "It looks like trying to shove a tennis ball through a garden hose."You'll see what he meant if you go to the previous post and check out the picture.
And, as you also know, the surgery went fantastically, and I feel great. My surgeon was awesome, my doctor is awesome, and my nurse (who oddly enough is my doctor's wife) was beyond awesome. I hated being in that hospital. I hate hospitals. But I needed to get better. I missed my girls. I hadn't realized just how much of my entertainment comes from them until I was stuck in the hospital and didn't want to be there.
I'm healed completely. It was just a couple of incisions that they used to stick the camera in and use the tools to cut out my gallbladder, sew up my insides, and pull the gallbladder through a tube. Its amazing what doctors can do.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
I'm going to stop going to the doctor. Even for follow-ups. Every time I go to the hospital, they find something new wrong with me. I went for my first follow-up after the surgery and they found I have an UTI. So, yay...more pills. :\
Also I find it amusing when both my cat and my 8-mth-old find my skirt very entertaining.
Also I find it amusing when both my cat and my 8-mth-old find my skirt very entertaining.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
I want to thank all of you who kept me in your thoughts. I appreciate all the positive energies and prayers that were sent my way.
I was blessed to have such awesome surgeon, doctor, and nurses. The procedure was only an hour long, I was out today, and now the healing can begin.
It was worse than anticipated. They actually found a stone in one of my gallbladder ducts. Using my husband's analogy when he saw the picture they took, "It looks like pushing a tennis ball through a garden hose". But now it's out and I'm no longer in pain or suffering. I'm sore and tender from the surgery, but it went well, and I am feeling good.
Again, thanks so much for the positive thoughts.
I will post a more indepth post about the surgery, including some photos, tomorrow. Right now, I'm just going to hang out with my family and rest. :)
I was blessed to have such awesome surgeon, doctor, and nurses. The procedure was only an hour long, I was out today, and now the healing can begin.
It was worse than anticipated. They actually found a stone in one of my gallbladder ducts. Using my husband's analogy when he saw the picture they took, "It looks like pushing a tennis ball through a garden hose". But now it's out and I'm no longer in pain or suffering. I'm sore and tender from the surgery, but it went well, and I am feeling good.
Again, thanks so much for the positive thoughts.
I will post a more indepth post about the surgery, including some photos, tomorrow. Right now, I'm just going to hang out with my family and rest. :)
Thursday, June 26, 2008
So I just got off the phone with my doctor. He wants me to check into the hospital tonight and prep me for surgery tomorrow morning. It's a very simple procedure that will have me out by Saturday.
I am currently so scared I keep struggling to not cry. I know it will be okay, but that doesn't make the thought any less frightening.
It's official. I have to have surgery. My gallbladder is inflamed and has been the cause of my pain, suffering, and discomfort. The walls have thicken to a point where it is not releasing the bile when it needs to. I have another doctor appointment tomorrow to talk further with my doctor as well as meet my surgeon.
Thank you for all your prayers and positive energy. It has been very much appreciated.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
My doctor believes I have a dysfunction in my gallbladder as well as colitis. (If the two are related, I don't know.) Now for my gallbladder, we do not know what it is, but will have an u/s done soon to know. If i have gallstones or sludge I will need surgery to have it removed. I will also be having a CT Scan for my colon.
I was hoping for IBS, but instead I got this.
Thanks so much for the positive energies and prayers. They are truly appreciated. Knowing that helps me stay positive. And thankfully my husband is coping with it with jokes, which make the idea a little easier to bear.
I was hoping for IBS, but instead I got this.
Thanks so much for the positive energies and prayers. They are truly appreciated. Knowing that helps me stay positive. And thankfully my husband is coping with it with jokes, which make the idea a little easier to bear.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Today, I am going to the doctor. For the past six months I have been getting sick. It has progressively gotten worse, especially within this month, and has escalated to a point where I have been in excruciating pain with vomiting and/or diarrhea for hours for the past few days. I'm afraid I may have a gall stone and that if I am right will need surgery to remove my gallbladder. I will be going to the doctor this morning to make sure. Please keep me in your prayers. I hate doctors and hospitals because of a fear that was rooted in my childhood. Whatever the outcome, your prayers are appreciated.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all my mommy friends who have step/children, are going to have step/children, or only have furry children. Just because you have kids doesn't make you a mom. Your good heart and nurturing ways do. So even if you've only been nurturing to your dog, this is your day, too.
With that said I did a ritual honoring my mother, my nanny, my MIL, and Earth. I thought it would be fun to have the girls do it with me, too.
I got this ritual a year or two ago from a friend. Well, let's say it's been redone with a bit of toddler flare.
With that said I did a ritual honoring my mother, my nanny, my MIL, and Earth. I thought it would be fun to have the girls do it with me, too.
I got this ritual a year or two ago from a friend. Well, let's say it's been redone with a bit of toddler flare.
Friday, May 09, 2008
My computer died. That is crap-tastic. Thankfully, J had bought another computer with a Linux OS about 6 mths ago for his birthday so we have a back up. And fantastically, I got into the habit of saving all of my files onto the external hard-drive so I don't have to mourn the loss of anything. Also, my laptop sucks and is about as useful for computer work as a regular notebook. Srsly.
J and I got new glasses today, which is nice. The lenses were god-awfully priced, but they are pretty and we have optical insurance. I now have a nice pair of sexy-librarian glasses that are scratch and glare resistant and have a warranty so that if one of my children get a hold of it and destroy it, I can replace it for free. Fingers crossed that it never happens. :D
My engagement-wedding band set was resized. They were two sizes too big and now they fit my tiny little fingers. I forgot just how small my hands are. Damn things are tiny. I got them a bit larger so when I swell in the heat they don't get stuck. Still, they are smaller than a 6. :P
My children are doing well. Iris is growing so fast. She's not as big as her sister was, only in the 50th percentile for everything, but she is growing steadily and healthy. Breastfeeding has been going well and strong. My goal was to reach 6 months, and it has passed and I'm still going. I start working on giving her solids this week. She can't keep cereal down, but her pediatrician said it was okay to start her on some peas or squash, etc. Lily is a chatter-box. She loves to talk to me, but pretty much tells her father to fuck off. I'm having a few discipline problems with her (okay, a few is an understatement) but I am working on it. She's a smart kid and a sweetheart, but she has her mother's attitude and her father's temper. *sigh* I just have to get control again. I somehow lost it somewhere; just have to find it.
Been mostly working with the girls. Lily can now count to 10, sing her ABCs, identify all the letters in upper and lower-case, identify the numbers 1-10, sing mixed up renditions of Twinkle, Twinkle, and Old McDonald, and lots of other stuff. She's no genius baby, but she is ahead of the game. Right now we are working on writing lines since most of her letters are just straight lines. Vertical lines she has, horizontal are a bit of a challenge, and diagonal, well, we'll cross that bridge later.
Iris is now low-crawling. She moves around mostly with her elbows, but does try to use her knees. She gets up on all fours, rocks, face-plants, and then won't try again for another hour. She prefers the low-crawl approach better. She's also a chatter-box. Always babbling about something, especially to get my attention.
I'm getting my driving permit on the 23rd. The Iowa Manual has practice test after every section, and after doing all of the reviews, I only missed a total of 1. :) I think I'm set and ready to go. I can't parallel park worth shit, so I won't be taking the driving test until I can, but at least this is something and will give me the opportunity to practice.
I will be getting LOTS of driving practice a week after the test. We are going to visit family in Texas for a couple of weeks and leave the 30. (I'll be there for my birthday--yay!) I offered to help J drive the way there in out new Chevy Aveo so that he won't be too tired. It's going to be a long trip indeed. I can't find someone to sit for my dog, so Missy is going to tag along. An infant, a toddler, and a dog in the back seat...trust me, this will be interesting.
I am still working on my minister's license through my mother's church. Right now, since I now have internet, I am helping out with some of her paperwork as her secretary. She needs a ton of things translated, and I seem to be the only one she can rely on. I don't mind; she's paying me. :) I can't wait for her to see the babies.
Also, I am FINALLY about to do my online Runes Class at Touch of Enchantment Institute. I haven't uploaded the lessons yet as something is wrong with my handle, but it's getting there.
I am currently sick with a cold. I think that just about covers it....
J and I got new glasses today, which is nice. The lenses were god-awfully priced, but they are pretty and we have optical insurance. I now have a nice pair of sexy-librarian glasses that are scratch and glare resistant and have a warranty so that if one of my children get a hold of it and destroy it, I can replace it for free. Fingers crossed that it never happens. :D
My engagement-wedding band set was resized. They were two sizes too big and now they fit my tiny little fingers. I forgot just how small my hands are. Damn things are tiny. I got them a bit larger so when I swell in the heat they don't get stuck. Still, they are smaller than a 6. :P
My children are doing well. Iris is growing so fast. She's not as big as her sister was, only in the 50th percentile for everything, but she is growing steadily and healthy. Breastfeeding has been going well and strong. My goal was to reach 6 months, and it has passed and I'm still going. I start working on giving her solids this week. She can't keep cereal down, but her pediatrician said it was okay to start her on some peas or squash, etc. Lily is a chatter-box. She loves to talk to me, but pretty much tells her father to fuck off. I'm having a few discipline problems with her (okay, a few is an understatement) but I am working on it. She's a smart kid and a sweetheart, but she has her mother's attitude and her father's temper. *sigh* I just have to get control again. I somehow lost it somewhere; just have to find it.
Been mostly working with the girls. Lily can now count to 10, sing her ABCs, identify all the letters in upper and lower-case, identify the numbers 1-10, sing mixed up renditions of Twinkle, Twinkle, and Old McDonald, and lots of other stuff. She's no genius baby, but she is ahead of the game. Right now we are working on writing lines since most of her letters are just straight lines. Vertical lines she has, horizontal are a bit of a challenge, and diagonal, well, we'll cross that bridge later.
Iris is now low-crawling. She moves around mostly with her elbows, but does try to use her knees. She gets up on all fours, rocks, face-plants, and then won't try again for another hour. She prefers the low-crawl approach better. She's also a chatter-box. Always babbling about something, especially to get my attention.
I'm getting my driving permit on the 23rd. The Iowa Manual has practice test after every section, and after doing all of the reviews, I only missed a total of 1. :) I think I'm set and ready to go. I can't parallel park worth shit, so I won't be taking the driving test until I can, but at least this is something and will give me the opportunity to practice.
I will be getting LOTS of driving practice a week after the test. We are going to visit family in Texas for a couple of weeks and leave the 30. (I'll be there for my birthday--yay!) I offered to help J drive the way there in out new Chevy Aveo so that he won't be too tired. It's going to be a long trip indeed. I can't find someone to sit for my dog, so Missy is going to tag along. An infant, a toddler, and a dog in the back seat...trust me, this will be interesting.
I am still working on my minister's license through my mother's church. Right now, since I now have internet, I am helping out with some of her paperwork as her secretary. She needs a ton of things translated, and I seem to be the only one she can rely on. I don't mind; she's paying me. :) I can't wait for her to see the babies.
Also, I am FINALLY about to do my online Runes Class at Touch of Enchantment Institute. I haven't uploaded the lessons yet as something is wrong with my handle, but it's getting there.
I am currently sick with a cold. I think that just about covers it....
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Me: *sitting on couch signing a card*
J: "Who'd you buy a card for?"
Me: "Sweetie, what's today?"
J: "The 25th."
Me: "And when did we get married?"
J: "... the...25th..." *sheepish grin*
Me: *eye roll*
J: *throws hands up* "Happy Anniversary! I guess."
Me: *give kiss and card* "Happy Anniversary"
...The dork. LOL.
J: "Who'd you buy a card for?"
Me: "Sweetie, what's today?"
J: "The 25th."
Me: "And when did we get married?"
J: "... the...25th..." *sheepish grin*
Me: *eye roll*
J: *throws hands up* "Happy Anniversary! I guess."
Me: *give kiss and card* "Happy Anniversary"
...The dork. LOL.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
1. I still don't have internet. I am still going to the library, just so you know. We just can't afford these luxeries. :D
2. Anyway, my new business is this:
I am currently making and selling aromatherapy pillows. Each pillow is made from cotton and pre-washed before sending. Each pillow contains 4 different herbs carefully selected for a specific aroma and purpose. I currently have 5 themes available and can make any certain theme that I have not yet created at your request. I am selling them at $13 dollars each. This covers the cost of fabric, stuffing, and herbs. There is also a $4 shipping and handling fee. If you would like me to make one, please choose one of the following themes, or you could ask me to make a specific theme for your specific need. Also, please let me be aware if you have any allergies to any herbs.
I currently have:
sleep/relaxation,
stress/tension relief,
sensuality,
trying to convieve,
and luck with money.
Give me a call if you would like to place an order as I cannot gaurantee checking my e-mail at a timely manner.
On another note, my kids and I are alive and well. :)
2. Anyway, my new business is this:
I am currently making and selling aromatherapy pillows. Each pillow is made from cotton and pre-washed before sending. Each pillow contains 4 different herbs carefully selected for a specific aroma and purpose. I currently have 5 themes available and can make any certain theme that I have not yet created at your request. I am selling them at $13 dollars each. This covers the cost of fabric, stuffing, and herbs. There is also a $4 shipping and handling fee. If you would like me to make one, please choose one of the following themes, or you could ask me to make a specific theme for your specific need. Also, please let me be aware if you have any allergies to any herbs.
I currently have:
sleep/relaxation,
stress/tension relief,
sensuality,
trying to convieve,
and luck with money.
Give me a call if you would like to place an order as I cannot gaurantee checking my e-mail at a timely manner.
On another note, my kids and I are alive and well. :)
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
I hope everyone who celebrates it has a wonderful and safe Christmas. For everyone else I hope you had a wonderful Yule or Hannukah or whatever. :)
I do not have internet ans I broke the laptops. Yes, more than one. I'm using my MILs for tonight.
Went and saw Sweeney Todd with J ... and NO BABIES. They stayed home with Grandma and Uncle Joe. I pumped milk a couple of weeks ago so I was able to have a free night out. It was amusing to me when I had to pump during the movie.
Um, thats it. We're doing Christmas dinner today and yesterday we opened presents. :)
Happy Holidays.
I do not have internet ans I broke the laptops. Yes, more than one. I'm using my MILs for tonight.
Went and saw Sweeney Todd with J ... and NO BABIES. They stayed home with Grandma and Uncle Joe. I pumped milk a couple of weeks ago so I was able to have a free night out. It was amusing to me when I had to pump during the movie.
Um, thats it. We're doing Christmas dinner today and yesterday we opened presents. :)
Happy Holidays.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
Today is J's 24th birthday. He bought himself a new computer. :) He is much pleased. You should go wish him a happy birthday.I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful Thanksgiving yesterday. We do not celebrate Thanksgiving unless we are down with relatives, so J caught some z's and Lily and I had chili dogs while I also fed Iris.
Things have settled pretty well here. I'm terribly sleep-deprived for the most part and the house is a mess, but it's normal. You clean and five minutes later a two-year-old human version of a torando comes through and fucks shit up. *sigh* Got to love that kid, though.
I had to reschedule the appointment for the preconception consultation to a Monday. :( J's days off (though he hasn't hasd one since he went back to work) are now on the actual weekends, but the latest appointment they had on a Friday was 10:30 in the morning. Not happening. I'm hardley out of bed by that time since that's when Iris eats and regardless, it's 40 minute drive to the hospital. J is home by 9. Not gonna happen. Oh well, at least it's schedule and at least we'll go when the time comes.
It's very quiet here and that's odd. J is already asleep, Lily is busy messing with her zipper and Iris is staring off into space...
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
My In-Laws were here for the weekend. It was a weekend well-spent and I was able to have a mini-vacation and rest up some. We had a good time.
Today I went to see my gynecologist to check my surgery site and make sure I was healing correctly. She also needed to go over a few things with me, like birth control methods, medications, etc. I told her I was going to try and conceive again next year so I was going to stick to natural methods. (Thanks to www.mymonthlycycles.com)
After I had Iris, the pediatrician mentioned to me that Iris had developed a rare antigen in the womb that I did not have. The antigen, however, is not in my blood and therefore during the pregnancy my body created antibodies to fight it. I did not have this problem with Lily as it seems that Justin is the one carrying it so we have a 50% chance of having a baby with it. It did not affect Iris as it was obviously the first time my body encountered this antigen and created the antibodies. Unfortunately with these antibodies, if I get pregnant again and the baby is positive for this antigen, my body will try and fight the pregnancy as a disease. The rare, but still frightening, worse-case scenario is that I miscarry. The more possible worse-case scenario is that the baby becomes horribly anemic and that I'd have to deliver early. Of course with that scenario, depending on how far along I am, the baby can have serious complications b/c of preterm birth and can either die or be in the hospital for a long period of time. If it does not end that way, then the baby would get blood transfusions during gestation and I would have to be constantly monitored.
This makes me horribly upset. I was told this from both my OBGYN and the Pediatrician when Iris was born, but I didn't understand it very well. Now that I have an understanding it just makes me terribly depressed. We want a large family. We want at least five children. I don't think we will be able to have that with this dark cloud looming over our heads. I know that I am not strong enough to deal with a miscarriage or a still birth. My mental stability needs help standing and can't do it on its own.
When I told J what my doctor had said I tried to be tough and not let it bother me too much. I have made an appointment with a specialist in January to discuss preconception methods and see if there is anything we can do medically. This is a rare antigen, and not many doctors know what to do in this situation. I'm hoping that I will be able to conceive without any problems, but there is really nothing we can do physically. We could try IVF, discard all the positive-antigen embryos, but I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of stress, and I know we wouldn't be able to afford it. Our insurance doesn't cover it, and it's expensive, extensive and painful. I can't go through that process. SO I sat and cried.
I know I'm letting it get to me when I shouldn't, but the thought that I couldn't have any more children because of the risk saddens me. I don't want any of my children to suffer and I don't want myself to suffer as well. If I become pregnant it is considered high risk. I'd have to be in and out of the hospital constantly. My mom says that I should just be happy with the two that I have and not try for any more, but I want them to have more sisters (and maybe brothers.) I want my big family. I just hate the fact that if it's not one thing it's another.
*sigh* I shouldn't let this get to me. Right now I don't know much about this b/c it's so rare. I'm hoping that when we see the specialist I can rest assured. But I won't know until January.
Today I went to see my gynecologist to check my surgery site and make sure I was healing correctly. She also needed to go over a few things with me, like birth control methods, medications, etc. I told her I was going to try and conceive again next year so I was going to stick to natural methods. (Thanks to www.mymonthlycycles.com)
After I had Iris, the pediatrician mentioned to me that Iris had developed a rare antigen in the womb that I did not have. The antigen, however, is not in my blood and therefore during the pregnancy my body created antibodies to fight it. I did not have this problem with Lily as it seems that Justin is the one carrying it so we have a 50% chance of having a baby with it. It did not affect Iris as it was obviously the first time my body encountered this antigen and created the antibodies. Unfortunately with these antibodies, if I get pregnant again and the baby is positive for this antigen, my body will try and fight the pregnancy as a disease. The rare, but still frightening, worse-case scenario is that I miscarry. The more possible worse-case scenario is that the baby becomes horribly anemic and that I'd have to deliver early. Of course with that scenario, depending on how far along I am, the baby can have serious complications b/c of preterm birth and can either die or be in the hospital for a long period of time. If it does not end that way, then the baby would get blood transfusions during gestation and I would have to be constantly monitored.
This makes me horribly upset. I was told this from both my OBGYN and the Pediatrician when Iris was born, but I didn't understand it very well. Now that I have an understanding it just makes me terribly depressed. We want a large family. We want at least five children. I don't think we will be able to have that with this dark cloud looming over our heads. I know that I am not strong enough to deal with a miscarriage or a still birth. My mental stability needs help standing and can't do it on its own.
When I told J what my doctor had said I tried to be tough and not let it bother me too much. I have made an appointment with a specialist in January to discuss preconception methods and see if there is anything we can do medically. This is a rare antigen, and not many doctors know what to do in this situation. I'm hoping that I will be able to conceive without any problems, but there is really nothing we can do physically. We could try IVF, discard all the positive-antigen embryos, but I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of stress, and I know we wouldn't be able to afford it. Our insurance doesn't cover it, and it's expensive, extensive and painful. I can't go through that process. SO I sat and cried.
I know I'm letting it get to me when I shouldn't, but the thought that I couldn't have any more children because of the risk saddens me. I don't want any of my children to suffer and I don't want myself to suffer as well. If I become pregnant it is considered high risk. I'd have to be in and out of the hospital constantly. My mom says that I should just be happy with the two that I have and not try for any more, but I want them to have more sisters (and maybe brothers.) I want my big family. I just hate the fact that if it's not one thing it's another.
*sigh* I shouldn't let this get to me. Right now I don't know much about this b/c it's so rare. I'm hoping that when we see the specialist I can rest assured. But I won't know until January.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
