Monday, November 12, 2007

My In-Laws were here for the weekend. It was a weekend well-spent and I was able to have a mini-vacation and rest up some. We had a good time.

Today I went to see my gynecologist to check my surgery site and make sure I was healing correctly. She also needed to go over a few things with me, like birth control methods, medications, etc. I told her I was going to try and conceive again next year so I was going to stick to natural methods. (Thanks to www.mymonthlycycles.com)

After I had Iris, the pediatrician mentioned to me that Iris had developed a rare antigen in the womb that I did not have. The antigen, however, is not in my blood and therefore during the pregnancy my body created antibodies to fight it. I did not have this problem with Lily as it seems that Justin is the one carrying it so we have a 50% chance of having a baby with it. It did not affect Iris as it was obviously the first time my body encountered this antigen and created the antibodies. Unfortunately with these antibodies, if I get pregnant again and the baby is positive for this antigen, my body will try and fight the pregnancy as a disease. The rare, but still frightening, worse-case scenario is that I miscarry. The more possible worse-case scenario is that the baby becomes horribly anemic and that I'd have to deliver early. Of course with that scenario, depending on how far along I am, the baby can have serious complications b/c of preterm birth and can either die or be in the hospital for a long period of time. If it does not end that way, then the baby would get blood transfusions during gestation and I would have to be constantly monitored.

This makes me horribly upset. I was told this from both my OBGYN and the Pediatrician when Iris was born, but I didn't understand it very well. Now that I have an understanding it just makes me terribly depressed. We want a large family. We want at least five children. I don't think we will be able to have that with this dark cloud looming over our heads. I know that I am not strong enough to deal with a miscarriage or a still birth. My mental stability needs help standing and can't do it on its own.

When I told J what my doctor had said I tried to be tough and not let it bother me too much. I have made an appointment with a specialist in January to discuss preconception methods and see if there is anything we can do medically. This is a rare antigen, and not many doctors know what to do in this situation. I'm hoping that I will be able to conceive without any problems, but there is really nothing we can do physically. We could try IVF, discard all the positive-antigen embryos, but I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of stress, and I know we wouldn't be able to afford it. Our insurance doesn't cover it, and it's expensive, extensive and painful. I can't go through that process. SO I sat and cried.

I know I'm letting it get to me when I shouldn't, but the thought that I couldn't have any more children because of the risk saddens me. I don't want any of my children to suffer and I don't want myself to suffer as well. If I become pregnant it is considered high risk. I'd have to be in and out of the hospital constantly. My mom says that I should just be happy with the two that I have and not try for any more, but I want them to have more sisters (and maybe brothers.) I want my big family. I just hate the fact that if it's not one thing it's another.

*sigh* I shouldn't let this get to me. Right now I don't know much about this b/c it's so rare. I'm hoping that when we see the specialist I can rest assured. But I won't know until January.
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