Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I have been asking myself lately 'what is my calling out in the world?' Somewhere along the lines of when my mother asks "What does God want of me?" And I can't seem to answer this question at all.

Since as far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a teacher. College-graduate and certified. I had gotten a music scholarship and was going to be a music teacher but turned away from that because I was unhappy with my life and easily unsatisfied. I grew bored with music education. Don't get me wrong, I love it very much, I've been a vocalist since I was two, but it just wasn't something I wanted to do every day for the rest of my life. So I quit, got married, and had my daughters instead.

I've tried going back to school with no success. I tried out web development since I already know html coding, a bit of java and love to play and create graphics. Didn't work out; I again was bored out of my mind. So a day or two ago I think that maybe just an elementary teacher could do. Then my husband reminded me that I would be stuck with that job every day for the rest of my career and that was it. You can't get a promotion or anything, you stay the same thing. It's crap pay, and most children and their parents don't respect you, etc. So much for that idea. My husband asked me "why do you keep wanting to find something to get away from your children?" And it's not like that at all. (Okay, maybe a little, but not all of it)

I love my babies. They are my world. But I sometimes feel like something is missing. I feel out of balance. My marriage is great. My husband, though an atheist, respects me emotionally, physically, sexually, and every other way imaginable. My children are wonderful. Though they are spoiled and bratty, they are two of the most well-mannered, considerate, intelligent, and well-behaved children I know. They just know they have Mommy wrapped around their little fingers so they milk it for all its worth. ;) I have three great pets. Missy (dog) is a great companion, though a bit of a spaz sometimes. She's so loving and playful. Though I sometimes neglect her because I can't really play with her. We have no fence and she likes to run off when excited, and her barks and growls, though playful, scare Iris. Gibbs and Jules (cats) are crazy, but I love them and they love me. Thankfully, they are no longer spraying my house. I live in a lovely Victorian-era home. I have plenty of food and clothing. And a functioning semi-new car. Finances are tight sometimes, but we do well. We do a lot better than most of the people of my generation. (My husband is 25, I am 22) I am missing nothing and need nothing.

However, spiritually, I feel like I could and should be doing more. I know I don't have to. I take care of the pets, the kids (and very rarely [almost non-existant] the house). My husband works his butt off at work and then comes home, does laundry, and cooks the food. (I can't cook to save my life, I've tried) So I know we have our hands full but I feel like I need to be doing something extra. So I'm on a vision quest.

I've analyzed my skills---jack of all trades, master of none. I've been teaching Runes and Wicca 101, but it's all been online because the people who take/took them all live far away. I would love to hold something here at home like that, but I don't know anyone nearby. And everything else, I'm mediocre at best.

I have my minister's license (and am currently working for chaplain) but I have no real use for it. The only reason I am taking the classes is because it kills time when I don't have anything left to do at the end of the day and the girls are asleep. Along with the outreach mission, my mom wants me to be a part of her ministry and start a branch of her church here. I obviously turned it down. (I don't remember if I've said this or not but she has conveniently forgotten I am Pagan, and I really don't feel like reminding her.) Though, like I mentioned in my previous entry, the idea of a ministry is tempting.

Last Wednesday I went to the Pagan House Church in Omaha with my healing circle for our ritual. It's part of a house that was turned into a community (several people live there) as well as a sacred place. I couldn't help but wonder and imagine how awesome that would be to have a Pagan church nearby, or even a fellowship place where Pagans could come to commune together. I always think of it when I pass by the For Sale sign in front of the old Community of Christ Church building. But like I said in my previous entry, even if that was what I was meant to do, I have no idea how to go about it.

*sigh* I am tired and confused and everything in between. It's been a long school day (I homeschool my 2 year-old) and I need a nap.
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