Sunday, September 14, 2008

My depression has been getting worse the past couple of days. It hit a terrible low on Thursday and last night I broke down in tears while praying. I thought I had gotten most of it out of my system, but apparently I was wrong. I began crying in my sleep, J woke me up to see if I was ok, and I just couldn't stop sobbing. So he scooted closer and just held me until I passed out. I know at one point he kissed my cheek when I slept, but I could have dreamt it, though I doubt it. Either way, he made me feel better.

I'm still trying to get over it. I don't know why I'm depressed. I don't know why I keep revisiting my past in my dreams. I keep having nightmares, and the only way I can sleep through them is if I take my allergy/cold medicine before bed. If not, I wake up every hour or just don't slepe at all. It's like a shitty remake scene of a Nightmare on Elm street movie. Don't sleep or Freddy wiill get you.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I keep dreaming of suicide or having urges of just leaving everyone, neglecting my kids, etc, when I'm awake. I haven't spoken to J about it mostly because I'm embarrased about the way I feel. Also because he usually teases me when I am sick, calls me a hypochondriac, or tries to make a joke about it. I just don't feel like being made fun of for this when its been emotionally fucking with me for the past few days.

I was slightly euphoric on Monday, and by Thursday I was damn near suicidal. I just don't know where my emotions just plummeted and I don't know how to handle it or who to talk to about it. The only reason why I'm writing it in here is because writing seems to be the best therapy I have. It's just one of those things I can always count on to make me feel a little less like a mental case.

I don't know if I can explain it. I want to be okay. I want to be functional. I want to change into a better person. But even when I try my hardest, it goes unnoticed. I want to do something, and it's like my brain shuts down and says "No, fuck you." I just don't understand why for me waking up in the morning has to be an obstacle. And I don't want it to be. I don't like feeling worthless and useless. I just don't, but for some reason I can't seem to get this feeling out.

Ugh, I annoy myself.
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