Raising Children
When i go to public rituals I always notice the parents and I've noticed that a lot of them are raising their children Pagan. Now I'm not saying I'm against this, but I just hope they stay open minded pagan because there are crazies in every religion.
I've had people come up to me to admire my beautiful girls and ask me if I was raising them Pagan. I'm not. I'm not raising them without beliefs, I'm just not giving them a set doctrine to follow. I remember growing up with my mother and that when it seemed like i was "straying from the narrow path" my mother would force me to go to church. By the tie I was in high school I just didn't care anymore. I had had the Christian religion shoved down my throat so much. One thing I was glad about was that even if she forced me to go she couldn't make me listen. I slept through most sermons. I don't want to be that to my children. I want them to be able to choose and follow the path they feel the most comfortable with. If they end up atheist like their father, so be it. If they end up Catholic or Jewish, I don't really care which as long as they are happy and not wreaking havoc. I believe their souls are their own and that the path they follow is theirs to choose. I have plenty of literature for them to go through. Plenty. we own about 7 different bibles in two different languages and 3 different translations. I have the book of Mormon in both Spanish and English. then of course i have a ton of literature on Wicca and Buddhism and other pagan religions. if they ever need someone to talk to, I'm pretty well read on the subject matter. i just really don't want to be like my mother was to me when it came to religion.
one of the things i really hated about church as a kid was all the hypocrisy. it was ridiculous. my mom's boyfriend once asked me why i didn't like to go to church. i told him it was because all the women spent 90% of their time gossiping about the rest of the member in the church. thankfully my mother was never one of them. she may have been seriously too devout for my liking, but she wasn't a hypocrite in that aspect.
i would always find them in the coffee room chatting it up about "hey did you hear about sister so-and-so" which would irritate the hell out of me. I mean, what kind of example are you setting to the youth of that establishment with talking about fellow members behind their backs? what does that say about you as a Christian, as a person? It probably wouldn't have bothered me so much if it hadn't been the Pastor's wife who was the ring leader in most of the gossip groups. That had to be a terrible feeling when you would walk in on them and find the lady in charge of the place talking shit about members of the church.
That actually happened to my mother once. She came up to me one afternoon and asked if I had said something mean about her. I told her I had been joking with my friend KC that you'd probably say I needed Jesus, but that i really wasn't serious. he and i were just making a joke. But apparently someone else had heard and was passing it around like my mother was this terrible parent who didn't have control over her daughter. My mom, being awesome, totally confronted them ad they spoke about her and corrected the,m. Then she told them how unprofessional and just downright classless and tacky it was to talk about people and gossip. "Thou shall not bear false witness against one another."
I just can't stand hypocrisy. I try my damnedest not to be like that. Granted, I'm only human. I'm sure I've messed up multiple times, but i really try. What I believe in is what makes me who I am and I try and follow that wholeheartedly. I don't want to be a flake. I don't want to be a nut. I don't want to be a pat of a system where it feels like they should be a part of cereal (flakes, fruits, and nuts) I want a better example for my children when they are old enough to choose what kind of religious path is right for them.
I want them to be fulfilled. That was one problem I had with going to church. I used to be very devout. I was an officer in my youth group. I graduated from the school of ministry when I was only 13. Even now, I took three years of theological study and became an ordained minister. But i just never felt complete. I always felt like something was missing. I never feel like that when I'm at home lighting a candle and praying to Gaea for insight or to Aphrodite for some serious self-esteem boost for sexy-time. I always feel safe and protect and whole when I practice. I never felt that way in Christianity. I always felt awkward and ashamed. Is that the kind of feeling I want my children to have? Heavens, no. so they get to choose.
I was in a forum where one of the people there was raised in a Wiccan household. She stated that her mother was the equivalent of a Christian fundamentalist, except Wicca. I shuddered. It doesn't matter what religion it is, please, let your children decide. I understand as parents who have to nurture them and guide them, but when it comes to spirituality, let them choose for themselves when they are old enough to understand. And then let it go and support them if it is a healthy choice that does them no harm. research it with them and support them. Telling them they are wrong and shoving it down their throats is only going to push them away or scare them into believing something they don't agree with.
Reactions
So I spoke to Leigh today and actually asked her all of my questions. She wasn't offended at all! I was actually very surprised on how she responded to my curiosity. Whenever I ask someone serious questions about specific topics discussed in their religious texts they get huffy and defensive. I'm not trying to attack them by all means. I just want to better understand. Leigh, however, was excited for the challenge. She was honest with me and let me know that she didn't have the answers but that she was going to go home and research them tonight and then come back later with whatever answers she could acquire. I admire her zest.
I told Jay how Leigh handled my inquisition and was impressed by how wrong he was about the outcome. I guess we both were. This is the first time anyone has been grateful for questioning. Most just get upset and are like “How dare you question my Truth!” Leigh on the other hand, was thrilled. She saw it as a test to better herself on her faith. She welcomed it, accepted it, and is working through it. She told me she was excited that i was asking such deep questions and thanked me because then she could strengthen her faith and knowledge by being able to find these answers. She loved my questions and found them to be very insightful.
This is refreshing. It's nice to find someone who is not ashamed of not knowing and is okay with saying “I don't know – but I'll find out!” I think more people need to be like that instead of just trying to pull a bunch of bullshit out of their ass to make themselves feel superior. Granted, I still don't agree on her belief that everyone who doesn't worship Jehovah is wrong, but I can't deny that I like her style.
word count: 1349
6618/50000
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
NaNoWriMo: Day 3
Before I post what I wrote today I just want to say that if you don't have livejournal and are doing Nano this year, go join LJ. Then, go join the community Nanowrimo. When you have done that, go get an America Online IM. THEN go join one of the sprints in a chat room that is being hosted by all_yearsprints and the nanowrimo LJ community mods. It's AWESOME! I only did three sprints last night during the "into the night" session and came out with 1571 words! Do you know how awesome that is? On the last sprint I joined I somehow pulled 806 words out of my ass! My ass was probably not please by this but I was fucking ecstatic! I loved it. It really pushes you. So, if you're a fellow Nano-er, I highly recommend doing this!
Thoughts in a Black Out
What can bring the magic out better than a city-wide blackout? Thank God I'm Pagan. I never run out of candles! Haha! Some people would probably think “city-wide?!” but I live in a small town (population 3,000) so it's not the same effect as if, say, the whole city of Austin blacked out.
I'm sitting on my floor writing with several candles lit so I'm not in total darkness. Thankfully the girls are asleep so this hasn't phased them. It sucked for Jay who was in the middle of his school work online. He left at nine for work to take advantage of the fact that there isn't a black out there and he can use their Internet. Unfortunately that means he had to leave for work three hours early. At least he works the graveyard shift on a computer all night or else he'd be out of luck.
The cats are completely unfazed by this. Gary is chasing some Asian beetles that snuck inside while Jules is asleep on the stairs. My dog, on the other hand, is being spastic and pacing the living room. Every time I move she jumps. I know she's 9 and getting old, but I'm afraid I'm going to end up kicking her in the face by accident if she keeps freaking out.
I'm taking this time to meditate on loved ones who need healing. One of my friends just had a miscarriage so I am asking Gaea to keep an eye on her and guide her on this her time of need. Another just lost a beloved cat. The cat was such a cutie – a calico who was lovable, fat and fluffy and was the size of a small child. I've talked to Bast about it and I know that Morgana is in a peaceful place where she will not feel any pain. I know she was a cat, but I think she knew how much her human family loves her. My friend Starr is in a rut creatively. I prayed to the Muses so that they could help inspire her. She really needs it.
It amazes me how little energy I use when praying but how big an impact it can make. The power of prayer really is a magical thing. Christians say that prayers can only be answered through Jesus Christ, but what about my prayers? I pray to other gods entirely, but my prayers are almost always answered. If my petitions can only be answered by Jesus and Jehovah and I haven't been sending them out to them, who's been answering all these years?
I can't deny that there is a higher power. My experiences in live have shown me otherwise. When I was pregnant with Violet over four years ago, I was supposed to have lost her. I prayed so hard to Gaea for her health and safety and as we know, she's here and healthy and a large pain in my ass. But that's just one example of the many things in my life that show me that there is something out there watching all of us. It's a refreshing feeling.
The power's back on. I guess now would be a good time to feed the baby, thank the gods, and go to sleep.
Faith
If you don't believe in a certain deity, can you really worship it? Can you truly worship something you don't believe in? I asked that question to my friends today and most came up with the same answer. Lou, who studies religion for fun, went on about how some religions are based solely on ritual. The way you do the ritual is how you worship, you don't necessarily have to believe in deity. Buddhism is similar in the fact that you don't have to believe in deity to reach enlightenment but have to follow the eight-fold path. However, I was speaking about religions where the majority of worship and ritual are based on your faith and devotion to a specific deity.
The reason i asked my friends this was that just the other day I was hanging out with my friend Leigh. She's a very devout Jehovah's Witness and most of our time is spent in Bible study. I had always heard a lot of negative things about the Witnesses, but instead of believing it all I decided to actually study with her to better understand her beliefs. Anyway, we were discussing a topic in the book "What Does the Bible Really Teach?" and I mentioned Stella's problem from last time about the whole cross dilemma. When I said that Stella was a Pagan, Leigh asked what I meant, so I elaborated and said that she was Wiccan. "So she worships the Devil." Wait, what? Her reaction completely threw me off that I actually stuttered and just said 'sure'. I had no words. She was just so set on the belief I knew there was no reason arguing with her. But that comment really made me think.
So that's when I asked about worshiping something you don't believe in. My friends said no. They agreed that you couldn't really commune with a certain deity if you did not believe in its existence. So then I asked if they truly believed that, why were other gods being worshiped considered devil worship if the worshiper did not believe in the Devil? How is it possible to worship something you do not believe exists? No one could give me an answer.
I haven't asked Leigh these questions yet, but I fully intend to, as well as a bunch of other questions about her beliefs, but not all at once. I don't want to hurt her feelings or anything. It made me glad to know that Leigh doesn't' know my religion if that's what she thinks of anyone who doesn't follow Christ.
I guess I should also mention that I don't believe that Satanists are evil. I have met a couple of Satanists in m time who were wonderful people, but I've also met a few who were ruthless and corrupt--but I've met those in every religion. I find Satanists to be a lot like some of my friends who practice Chaos magic and follow a Discordian path. They accept the "darker" side of things and appreciate it more than others. People are all good. People are all evil.
Questions to bring up to Leigh for discussion next time she visits:
Belief: Jehovah is One true God; false religions based on Satan's lies--worship to Satan
Question: Can you truly worship an entity you don't believe exists?
Belief: Prayers are to be directed to Jehovah through Jesus Christ; Satan is invisible ruler of world
Question: Is God the only one who can answer prayers? If so, how are prayers said to other gods answered? Does Satan have the power to answer prayers?
Belief: Obey human laws that don't conflict with God's laws--always follow God's laws
Question: Should we still stone certain sins to death or kill them with fire? Is a menstruating woman still impure, dirty, unclean? Why are some of these "laws" ignored. (see laws in book of Leviticus)
Belief: Only 144,000 will reign in Heaven while others will stay on Paradise earth
Question: I know it's only a small group compared to those who go to Paradise, but why is number taken literally and not symbolically? If number is literal shouldn't fact that number is chosen only from the 12 Tribes of Judah be literal, too?
Hopefully asking her all of these questions doesn't bother her. Jay thinks I'm going to hurt her feelings or piss her off. I don't think I will. She may be incredibly closed-minded in her beliefs but she's devoted to the wholeheartedly Unfortunately, I think I've made her believe I want to be a Jehovah's Witness as well, and I seriously do not want to be. I think these questions would be a good opener for my "hate to break it to you, but I'm not going to join you." I gave her false hope and that was not my intention. I just wanted to learn more about it, not join the organization! I'm sorry, but I just can't wrap my head around their logic. I'm just open-minded, to accepting to believe religion is black and white; it's either this or that. i just can't. There is so much grey in this world. I don't believe that religion isn't just as grey and blurry as well.
Full Moon Thoughts
When I was younger, as in 10 years ago, I never really took the time to look and admire the moon. When I started looking into alternative religions I slowly began to get closer to nature. Now I've always loved nature in general. I was born in Puerto Rico and up until we moved to the States when I was almost 4, we were always doing something outside. I have pictures of being a little toddler around Daisy's age camping with family on the beach. Another of me as a baby being held by my mother in a river by a waterfall. And then, one of my favorites, as a kid around Violet's age fishing with my mother. I LOVED the outdoors. But when my mom married into the military, we were always stuck in suburbia.
I was thirteen when we moved to Hawaii. There is where I started my research into Paganism. I would go camping on the beach with friends from church. Or climb out of my window and sit on the roof just to look at the stars. There was vegetation everywhere and you just had to stop to absorb the beauty. All that red ash, though, really stained my pants.
By the time we moved back to the mainland I was already on my way to dedicating myself to my religious path. I felt so connected with nature. I went to high school with my husband; we were friends first. At night we would stand on the sidewalk in front of his house and look up at the stars. We'd try to name the constellations and fail miserably.
After I got married I really wanted a baby girl. So when the full moon would come around, the full, round Mother Goddess, I would pray to Gaea to help me become pregnant. One those nights, for three days, I would sit and watch the moon in all her beauty. The day before, of, and after the full moon I would just sit there and commune with Mother Goddess. By the time the fourth full moon came around, i was already a month pregnant. So now I feel an even deeper connection with the moon. she is my Mother and my friend. I confide in Gaea when i need motherly insight and pray to her when I seek protection for my daughters.
Tonight is a full moon. Many Wiccans take this time to pay homage to their Mother Goddess. A lot of them do this through ritual. I rarely have time to goo to the bathroom in peace let alone perform a full-fledged ritual, so my ritual is simple. When the girls are all in bed and Jay is doing whatever it is he does before going to work, I sit outside on my patio with my dog on my lap in the moonbeams and commune with my Mother Goddess. Missy's a good dog so she'll stay still while I sit on our bench and thank Gaea for my children. Tonight I thank her for my beautiful children. I thank her that they are happy and healthy. i thank her for listening when I gripe about when those beautiful children are pushing my beautiful buttons. I thank her for my maternal instincts. And then I tell her all of my goals and changes I wish to accomplish so that I may be a better wife and mother. It's a very long list of thank-yous.
I feel that ever since I became a mother that I need to take time out to be with my mother. However, I'm not really close to my actual mother. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother and I think she's awesome a lot of times, but we don't connect a lot. We are very much the same person but with different views. It's difficult to feel close to her when our religions are so different.
when I had Violet my mother found out through my profile in a networking site that i was/am bisexual and a pagan. she asked me about it and I told her. There was no reason to lie. It was just information i hadn't shared with her and for good reason. She then proceeded to go on one of her "Jesus is your savior" speeches. I didn't mind. I had heard these many times before. However, she threw in a kicker that night. I was told I was a bad parent b/c of my religion and sexuality. I was horribly upset and told her that the well-being of my child had nothing to do with my religion or my sexuality but everything to do with how much i loved her and how much effort i put into taking care of her and giving her what she needed. my mother actually said no, that it was love for God. I mean, seriously? My husband is an atheist. Is he a terrible parent just because he doesn't believe? I don't think so. He's an awesome dad who loves his daughters very much. She later, much later, realized she had put her large foot in her mouth. We haven't spoken about my religion since. I don't mind at all.But I think she just conveniently forgot. which is fine by me. I mean we talk about the Bible all the time. I think it's good to discuss religious beliefs. It helps iron out all of my own personal beliefs and gives them a firm and stable foundation. But I think because of all of our discussions my mother believes that I have found Christ again and am "back." I seem to have a bad habit of making people think I'm on their side on religion. The only side I'm on is my own. And I like it here.
With the moon as my mother, she does not judge me. She watches over me and guides me in the dark and I revel in her moonbeams. My mother has a privacy fence and when I lived with her I would dance in the moonbeams naked. It was so enlightening; so invigorating. I felt free, like nothing could stop me. I did it once in the rain, and i would only do it in the backyard. I didn't want any of the neighbors looking through a window and seeing my mother's naked daughter dancing out in the yard at 2 in the morning. Haha. So I've always felt close to the moon. My mother goddess has always been with me when others have not.
Every time the moon is full I feel a little less tense, a little less sad, and a little less stressed. I love the moon and the moon loves me. Haha.
I am her moon baby.
word count: 2555
5,280 / 50,000
Thoughts in a Black Out
What can bring the magic out better than a city-wide blackout? Thank God I'm Pagan. I never run out of candles! Haha! Some people would probably think “city-wide?!” but I live in a small town (population 3,000) so it's not the same effect as if, say, the whole city of Austin blacked out.
I'm sitting on my floor writing with several candles lit so I'm not in total darkness. Thankfully the girls are asleep so this hasn't phased them. It sucked for Jay who was in the middle of his school work online. He left at nine for work to take advantage of the fact that there isn't a black out there and he can use their Internet. Unfortunately that means he had to leave for work three hours early. At least he works the graveyard shift on a computer all night or else he'd be out of luck.
The cats are completely unfazed by this. Gary is chasing some Asian beetles that snuck inside while Jules is asleep on the stairs. My dog, on the other hand, is being spastic and pacing the living room. Every time I move she jumps. I know she's 9 and getting old, but I'm afraid I'm going to end up kicking her in the face by accident if she keeps freaking out.
I'm taking this time to meditate on loved ones who need healing. One of my friends just had a miscarriage so I am asking Gaea to keep an eye on her and guide her on this her time of need. Another just lost a beloved cat. The cat was such a cutie – a calico who was lovable, fat and fluffy and was the size of a small child. I've talked to Bast about it and I know that Morgana is in a peaceful place where she will not feel any pain. I know she was a cat, but I think she knew how much her human family loves her. My friend Starr is in a rut creatively. I prayed to the Muses so that they could help inspire her. She really needs it.
It amazes me how little energy I use when praying but how big an impact it can make. The power of prayer really is a magical thing. Christians say that prayers can only be answered through Jesus Christ, but what about my prayers? I pray to other gods entirely, but my prayers are almost always answered. If my petitions can only be answered by Jesus and Jehovah and I haven't been sending them out to them, who's been answering all these years?
I can't deny that there is a higher power. My experiences in live have shown me otherwise. When I was pregnant with Violet over four years ago, I was supposed to have lost her. I prayed so hard to Gaea for her health and safety and as we know, she's here and healthy and a large pain in my ass. But that's just one example of the many things in my life that show me that there is something out there watching all of us. It's a refreshing feeling.
The power's back on. I guess now would be a good time to feed the baby, thank the gods, and go to sleep.
Faith
If you don't believe in a certain deity, can you really worship it? Can you truly worship something you don't believe in? I asked that question to my friends today and most came up with the same answer. Lou, who studies religion for fun, went on about how some religions are based solely on ritual. The way you do the ritual is how you worship, you don't necessarily have to believe in deity. Buddhism is similar in the fact that you don't have to believe in deity to reach enlightenment but have to follow the eight-fold path. However, I was speaking about religions where the majority of worship and ritual are based on your faith and devotion to a specific deity.
The reason i asked my friends this was that just the other day I was hanging out with my friend Leigh. She's a very devout Jehovah's Witness and most of our time is spent in Bible study. I had always heard a lot of negative things about the Witnesses, but instead of believing it all I decided to actually study with her to better understand her beliefs. Anyway, we were discussing a topic in the book "What Does the Bible Really Teach?" and I mentioned Stella's problem from last time about the whole cross dilemma. When I said that Stella was a Pagan, Leigh asked what I meant, so I elaborated and said that she was Wiccan. "So she worships the Devil." Wait, what? Her reaction completely threw me off that I actually stuttered and just said 'sure'. I had no words. She was just so set on the belief I knew there was no reason arguing with her. But that comment really made me think.
So that's when I asked about worshiping something you don't believe in. My friends said no. They agreed that you couldn't really commune with a certain deity if you did not believe in its existence. So then I asked if they truly believed that, why were other gods being worshiped considered devil worship if the worshiper did not believe in the Devil? How is it possible to worship something you do not believe exists? No one could give me an answer.
I haven't asked Leigh these questions yet, but I fully intend to, as well as a bunch of other questions about her beliefs, but not all at once. I don't want to hurt her feelings or anything. It made me glad to know that Leigh doesn't' know my religion if that's what she thinks of anyone who doesn't follow Christ.
I guess I should also mention that I don't believe that Satanists are evil. I have met a couple of Satanists in m time who were wonderful people, but I've also met a few who were ruthless and corrupt--but I've met those in every religion. I find Satanists to be a lot like some of my friends who practice Chaos magic and follow a Discordian path. They accept the "darker" side of things and appreciate it more than others. People are all good. People are all evil.
Questions to bring up to Leigh for discussion next time she visits:
Belief: Jehovah is One true God; false religions based on Satan's lies--worship to Satan
Question: Can you truly worship an entity you don't believe exists?
Belief: Prayers are to be directed to Jehovah through Jesus Christ; Satan is invisible ruler of world
Question: Is God the only one who can answer prayers? If so, how are prayers said to other gods answered? Does Satan have the power to answer prayers?
Belief: Obey human laws that don't conflict with God's laws--always follow God's laws
Question: Should we still stone certain sins to death or kill them with fire? Is a menstruating woman still impure, dirty, unclean? Why are some of these "laws" ignored. (see laws in book of Leviticus)
Belief: Only 144,000 will reign in Heaven while others will stay on Paradise earth
Question: I know it's only a small group compared to those who go to Paradise, but why is number taken literally and not symbolically? If number is literal shouldn't fact that number is chosen only from the 12 Tribes of Judah be literal, too?
Hopefully asking her all of these questions doesn't bother her. Jay thinks I'm going to hurt her feelings or piss her off. I don't think I will. She may be incredibly closed-minded in her beliefs but she's devoted to the wholeheartedly Unfortunately, I think I've made her believe I want to be a Jehovah's Witness as well, and I seriously do not want to be. I think these questions would be a good opener for my "hate to break it to you, but I'm not going to join you." I gave her false hope and that was not my intention. I just wanted to learn more about it, not join the organization! I'm sorry, but I just can't wrap my head around their logic. I'm just open-minded, to accepting to believe religion is black and white; it's either this or that. i just can't. There is so much grey in this world. I don't believe that religion isn't just as grey and blurry as well.
Full Moon Thoughts
When I was younger, as in 10 years ago, I never really took the time to look and admire the moon. When I started looking into alternative religions I slowly began to get closer to nature. Now I've always loved nature in general. I was born in Puerto Rico and up until we moved to the States when I was almost 4, we were always doing something outside. I have pictures of being a little toddler around Daisy's age camping with family on the beach. Another of me as a baby being held by my mother in a river by a waterfall. And then, one of my favorites, as a kid around Violet's age fishing with my mother. I LOVED the outdoors. But when my mom married into the military, we were always stuck in suburbia.
I was thirteen when we moved to Hawaii. There is where I started my research into Paganism. I would go camping on the beach with friends from church. Or climb out of my window and sit on the roof just to look at the stars. There was vegetation everywhere and you just had to stop to absorb the beauty. All that red ash, though, really stained my pants.
By the time we moved back to the mainland I was already on my way to dedicating myself to my religious path. I felt so connected with nature. I went to high school with my husband; we were friends first. At night we would stand on the sidewalk in front of his house and look up at the stars. We'd try to name the constellations and fail miserably.
After I got married I really wanted a baby girl. So when the full moon would come around, the full, round Mother Goddess, I would pray to Gaea to help me become pregnant. One those nights, for three days, I would sit and watch the moon in all her beauty. The day before, of, and after the full moon I would just sit there and commune with Mother Goddess. By the time the fourth full moon came around, i was already a month pregnant. So now I feel an even deeper connection with the moon. she is my Mother and my friend. I confide in Gaea when i need motherly insight and pray to her when I seek protection for my daughters.
Tonight is a full moon. Many Wiccans take this time to pay homage to their Mother Goddess. A lot of them do this through ritual. I rarely have time to goo to the bathroom in peace let alone perform a full-fledged ritual, so my ritual is simple. When the girls are all in bed and Jay is doing whatever it is he does before going to work, I sit outside on my patio with my dog on my lap in the moonbeams and commune with my Mother Goddess. Missy's a good dog so she'll stay still while I sit on our bench and thank Gaea for my children. Tonight I thank her for my beautiful children. I thank her that they are happy and healthy. i thank her for listening when I gripe about when those beautiful children are pushing my beautiful buttons. I thank her for my maternal instincts. And then I tell her all of my goals and changes I wish to accomplish so that I may be a better wife and mother. It's a very long list of thank-yous.
I feel that ever since I became a mother that I need to take time out to be with my mother. However, I'm not really close to my actual mother. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother and I think she's awesome a lot of times, but we don't connect a lot. We are very much the same person but with different views. It's difficult to feel close to her when our religions are so different.
when I had Violet my mother found out through my profile in a networking site that i was/am bisexual and a pagan. she asked me about it and I told her. There was no reason to lie. It was just information i hadn't shared with her and for good reason. She then proceeded to go on one of her "Jesus is your savior" speeches. I didn't mind. I had heard these many times before. However, she threw in a kicker that night. I was told I was a bad parent b/c of my religion and sexuality. I was horribly upset and told her that the well-being of my child had nothing to do with my religion or my sexuality but everything to do with how much i loved her and how much effort i put into taking care of her and giving her what she needed. my mother actually said no, that it was love for God. I mean, seriously? My husband is an atheist. Is he a terrible parent just because he doesn't believe? I don't think so. He's an awesome dad who loves his daughters very much. She later, much later, realized she had put her large foot in her mouth. We haven't spoken about my religion since. I don't mind at all.But I think she just conveniently forgot. which is fine by me. I mean we talk about the Bible all the time. I think it's good to discuss religious beliefs. It helps iron out all of my own personal beliefs and gives them a firm and stable foundation. But I think because of all of our discussions my mother believes that I have found Christ again and am "back." I seem to have a bad habit of making people think I'm on their side on religion. The only side I'm on is my own. And I like it here.
With the moon as my mother, she does not judge me. She watches over me and guides me in the dark and I revel in her moonbeams. My mother has a privacy fence and when I lived with her I would dance in the moonbeams naked. It was so enlightening; so invigorating. I felt free, like nothing could stop me. I did it once in the rain, and i would only do it in the backyard. I didn't want any of the neighbors looking through a window and seeing my mother's naked daughter dancing out in the yard at 2 in the morning. Haha. So I've always felt close to the moon. My mother goddess has always been with me when others have not.
Every time the moon is full I feel a little less tense, a little less sad, and a little less stressed. I love the moon and the moon loves me. Haha.
I am her moon baby.
word count: 2555
5,280 / 50,000
Monday, November 02, 2009
NaNoWriMo: Day 2
Introductions and Salutations, among other things.
Name: Luna
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Marital status: married 5 years
children: yes – 3 girls
Today is November 1st. Last night was Halloween and the girls dressed up and went trick or treating with their father. Though today it is a secular celebration for costumes, candy, and fun, this used to be a very serious holiday called Samhain (pronounced sow-in) An ancient Celtic festival, it was celebrated on the last day of the Celtic year. This day marked the end of the summer and the start of the winter, which was oftentimes associated with death. The Celts believed the on October 31, the day before their new year began, the veil between the worlds of the living and dead were thin. They believed that the spirits of the dead returned on this day, mostly to cause mischief. They also believed that because the spirits were resent on this day that doing divination and making predictions were made easier. This Celtic festival was later mixed with a similar Roman festival called Feralia. Depending on cultures and upbringings, a lot would use Jack o' Lanterns to scare away any spirit who would cause mischief. Candles were lit and placed on windows to guide lost spirits home.
While my children napped yesterday, I set up my altar so to honor these ancient traditions that i, too, believe in. I took a large black candle and placed it in the center as a symbol for death. Surrounding the candle were pictures of skeletons and loved ones passed as well as dried flowers and small gourds, pumpkins and squash. I said a prayer to the gods hoping that all the dead were having a restful sleep in death, lit my candle and read the following poem to “anyone” listening.
Though your life force may be gone
Your energy still lives on
You visit us this time each year
We try to listen and to hear
For those whom from us depart
You will rest inside out heart
We pay homage to you today
'Til Hecate and Hades light your way
I left the poem on the altar and the candle lit for the rest of the evening.
We had an early supper so the girls could go out and trick or treat afterward. We placed a setting for any invisible guests and after everyone ate in silence, I took the food outside as an offering to both the dead and Mother earth.
The girls had a great time trick or treating with their daddy. Now that she's two, Daisy really enjoyed going out today. I had to stop Violet, though, from eating all of her candy. She thinks that since she's almost four she can make the decisions on her food. These kids are crazy. I stayed home with Zinnia and passed out candy. She was so cute in her pumpkin costume. Violet and Daisy went as a princess and a pirate. I dressed as a sexy fairy while Jay wore a super creepy mask. I told him it wasn't necessary. He has a natural super creepy face. Haha!
All in all it was a very eventful and fun day yesterday. I took tons of pictures and feel connected to those whom I've lost. A “new year” has started for me so I'm off to brainstorm on some goals to set. So fa all I have is “lose 10 pounds”. Haha!
The Cross and Crucifix
Stella called me last night wanting to know if she was right in saying that the cross originally was not a Christian symbol. I let her know hat she was correct and asked her why she wanted to know. Apparently a friend of hers told her it was blasphemy that she'd worn a cross when it is a Christian symbol and she's Wiccan and that she should take it off because it offended her. Stella was peeved and told her friend that the cross was first a pagan symbol but her 'friend' blatantly ignored her. People like her 'friend' make me want to punch them in the face for their ignorance.
Firstly, Jesus Christ did not die on a cross. He was impaled on a tree trunk that he had to carry with him as a punishment for his “crimes.” In the New Testament, the Greek writing mentions that Jesus was hung on a “stauros” as well as a “xylon”. Stauros means “upright pale or stake” while xylon was a large “stick, club or tree.” And even if he was hung on a cross, he died around 40 AD long after the cross was in existence.
Before Jesus' time, the cross represented the staff of Apollo. It had a lot of connections with the sun gods, the heavens, and the weather. Only were Christians were trying to convert did they adopt the cross as they're own. In some other places the cross was also used as a symbol of protection.
I don't know why some people get bent out of shape over symbols. They mean something different o different people. Stella's classmate is one example of what the cross means. To Stella it means protection. She wears it to protect her from harm. Unfortunately it doesn't protect her from the stupidity of others.
It just irritates me so much when people feel they are better than you just because of their religion. Nobody is better than anyone. All of us are all trying to connect with the Divine and are finding it in different ways. We all want something in the afterlife. Why can't everyone understand that?
Every Day
I was asked if i do magic every day. My automatic answer was no. I am way too busy to do magic every day. But then I sat down and thought about it. I *do* practice magic every day. It might not seem like magic to the untrained eye, but it totally is.
Every morning when I wake up to Violet and Daisy yelling and fighting at and with each other in their room, I take a few minutes to pray. Usually Zinnia wakes up at this time as well and while I breastfeed her I can lay down in bed with her and meditate with the gods.
Most days I pray for patience. I've spoiled my baby girls and I know this. Hell, I think they know this, too. With their daddy they are careful with rules and boundaries. With their mother, on the other hand... Well, they walk all over me. But I can't help it! They are just so damn cute! But because of it they stress me out to no end. Hence the praying for patience. They do love to press my buttons and if I don't meditate daily I just fucking fall apart. We end up having an afternoon where all four of us are crying for one reason or another at the same damn time. We're such drama queens. Haha!
On regular days I pray for their protection and health. Daisy and Zinnia are always at home with me, but Violet is in preschool now and I don't get to see everything that's going on with her anymore. She's an incredibly bright kid, but sometimes lacks common sense. She's still three, of course, and still learning, so she's prone to get hurt by herself or someone. I pray for that kid's safety every day and every chance I get.
All this recollection was what made me realize that i practice magic every day. Communing with the gods, even with something as simple as praying, is a magical experience that I make sure I do on a regular basis. I have to, though, or else I'd probably do murders.
words:1290
2734/50000
Name: Luna
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Marital status: married 5 years
children: yes – 3 girls
Today is November 1st. Last night was Halloween and the girls dressed up and went trick or treating with their father. Though today it is a secular celebration for costumes, candy, and fun, this used to be a very serious holiday called Samhain (pronounced sow-in) An ancient Celtic festival, it was celebrated on the last day of the Celtic year. This day marked the end of the summer and the start of the winter, which was oftentimes associated with death. The Celts believed the on October 31, the day before their new year began, the veil between the worlds of the living and dead were thin. They believed that the spirits of the dead returned on this day, mostly to cause mischief. They also believed that because the spirits were resent on this day that doing divination and making predictions were made easier. This Celtic festival was later mixed with a similar Roman festival called Feralia. Depending on cultures and upbringings, a lot would use Jack o' Lanterns to scare away any spirit who would cause mischief. Candles were lit and placed on windows to guide lost spirits home.
While my children napped yesterday, I set up my altar so to honor these ancient traditions that i, too, believe in. I took a large black candle and placed it in the center as a symbol for death. Surrounding the candle were pictures of skeletons and loved ones passed as well as dried flowers and small gourds, pumpkins and squash. I said a prayer to the gods hoping that all the dead were having a restful sleep in death, lit my candle and read the following poem to “anyone” listening.
Though your life force may be gone
Your energy still lives on
You visit us this time each year
We try to listen and to hear
For those whom from us depart
You will rest inside out heart
We pay homage to you today
'Til Hecate and Hades light your way
I left the poem on the altar and the candle lit for the rest of the evening.
We had an early supper so the girls could go out and trick or treat afterward. We placed a setting for any invisible guests and after everyone ate in silence, I took the food outside as an offering to both the dead and Mother earth.
The girls had a great time trick or treating with their daddy. Now that she's two, Daisy really enjoyed going out today. I had to stop Violet, though, from eating all of her candy. She thinks that since she's almost four she can make the decisions on her food. These kids are crazy. I stayed home with Zinnia and passed out candy. She was so cute in her pumpkin costume. Violet and Daisy went as a princess and a pirate. I dressed as a sexy fairy while Jay wore a super creepy mask. I told him it wasn't necessary. He has a natural super creepy face. Haha!
All in all it was a very eventful and fun day yesterday. I took tons of pictures and feel connected to those whom I've lost. A “new year” has started for me so I'm off to brainstorm on some goals to set. So fa all I have is “lose 10 pounds”. Haha!
The Cross and Crucifix
Stella called me last night wanting to know if she was right in saying that the cross originally was not a Christian symbol. I let her know hat she was correct and asked her why she wanted to know. Apparently a friend of hers told her it was blasphemy that she'd worn a cross when it is a Christian symbol and she's Wiccan and that she should take it off because it offended her. Stella was peeved and told her friend that the cross was first a pagan symbol but her 'friend' blatantly ignored her. People like her 'friend' make me want to punch them in the face for their ignorance.
Firstly, Jesus Christ did not die on a cross. He was impaled on a tree trunk that he had to carry with him as a punishment for his “crimes.” In the New Testament, the Greek writing mentions that Jesus was hung on a “stauros” as well as a “xylon”. Stauros means “upright pale or stake” while xylon was a large “stick, club or tree.” And even if he was hung on a cross, he died around 40 AD long after the cross was in existence.
Before Jesus' time, the cross represented the staff of Apollo. It had a lot of connections with the sun gods, the heavens, and the weather. Only were Christians were trying to convert did they adopt the cross as they're own. In some other places the cross was also used as a symbol of protection.
I don't know why some people get bent out of shape over symbols. They mean something different o different people. Stella's classmate is one example of what the cross means. To Stella it means protection. She wears it to protect her from harm. Unfortunately it doesn't protect her from the stupidity of others.
It just irritates me so much when people feel they are better than you just because of their religion. Nobody is better than anyone. All of us are all trying to connect with the Divine and are finding it in different ways. We all want something in the afterlife. Why can't everyone understand that?
Every Day
I was asked if i do magic every day. My automatic answer was no. I am way too busy to do magic every day. But then I sat down and thought about it. I *do* practice magic every day. It might not seem like magic to the untrained eye, but it totally is.
Every morning when I wake up to Violet and Daisy yelling and fighting at and with each other in their room, I take a few minutes to pray. Usually Zinnia wakes up at this time as well and while I breastfeed her I can lay down in bed with her and meditate with the gods.
Most days I pray for patience. I've spoiled my baby girls and I know this. Hell, I think they know this, too. With their daddy they are careful with rules and boundaries. With their mother, on the other hand... Well, they walk all over me. But I can't help it! They are just so damn cute! But because of it they stress me out to no end. Hence the praying for patience. They do love to press my buttons and if I don't meditate daily I just fucking fall apart. We end up having an afternoon where all four of us are crying for one reason or another at the same damn time. We're such drama queens. Haha!
On regular days I pray for their protection and health. Daisy and Zinnia are always at home with me, but Violet is in preschool now and I don't get to see everything that's going on with her anymore. She's an incredibly bright kid, but sometimes lacks common sense. She's still three, of course, and still learning, so she's prone to get hurt by herself or someone. I pray for that kid's safety every day and every chance I get.
All this recollection was what made me realize that i practice magic every day. Communing with the gods, even with something as simple as praying, is a magical experience that I make sure I do on a regular basis. I have to, though, or else I'd probably do murders.
words:1290
2734/50000
Sunday, November 01, 2009
NaNoWriMo: Day 1
When someone mentions 'witch,' what do you think of? Do you think of an old and raspy-voiced crone with green skin and warts all over her face? Or of a woman dressed in all black with long fingernails and the power to turn you into a frog instantly? Or do you think of that quiet young girl at the front of the bus with her nose in the Torah? Or the man hailing the taxi wearing a nice crisp suit on his way to a business meeting? When someone says witch, I think of home. why? Because I am one.
Some might think I'm crazy when I say I'm a witch. They think I'm saying it for attention or because I have some sort of mental disorder. To be honest, this isn't something I really want attention for. And though I suffer from depression and that's considered a mental disorder, I'm not delusional. I don't think I can produce anything with my fingertips and the only way I'm flying is through American Airlines.
So why do I consider myself a witch? I don't have telekineses or any supernatural power. Hell, unless you count the disappearing act on my food whenever it's dinner time, I'm not even a great illusionist. so why witch? Because I practice witchcraft. Now, there's usually two reactions to this. The first and most common is concern for the well-being of my soul/spirit. Those people end up telling me that I'm on a path of eternal damnation and that I should seek forgiveness and salvation through Jesus Christ and his father Jehovah/Yahweh. That's usually cut short. The concern is usually well meant but not necessary. I grew up in a Christian household. My own mother is a Nondenominational Christian pastor. i even study the Bible – I've done so for years and even know it better than most “Christians.” The second reaction is intrigue. They want to know why, how, and some even ask for favors on “cursing” others. The most hilarious reaction for m was when one actually asked me if I could fly like they did in the movie The Craft. I think I almost peed myself I was laughing so hard.
One thing that a lot of people seem to think is that witch=evil and that witchcraft=religion. Both are wrong. For one thing, almost, if not all, every religion uses some form of witchcraft. It's a common practice that people have gotten used to they can't truly identify it. For example, prayer. What is prayer but focusing our energies for a desired outcome. Are we not using magic when we place our hands upon a loved one and focus, pray for healing? Let's pull out the dictionary for this. according to Webster's Dictionary, witchcraft is said to be “the power or practices of a witch.” Okay, so we're back at 'witch.' What's a witch? The dictionary's first definition is “a person believed to have magic powers, esp: sorceress.” So now we look up sorceress which then leads us sorcery which is defined as “the use of magic.” Now when I say 'magic' what's the first thing that comes to mind? Depending on age, it can be anyone from Houdini to Criss Angel. don't get me wrong, the dictionary's third definition of magic is “sleight-of-hand” but that's not the kind of magic we're talking about here. The first two definitions in the dictionary say the following about magic--”the art of persons who claim to be able to do things by the help of supernatural powers” and “an extraordinary power or influence seemingly from a supernatural force.” so for the sake of argument, what is God if not a supernatural force? what is prayer if not a petition for help from said supernatural force? what is praying to God if not magic? So if we take into account the proper definitions of these words, if you use magic on a regular basis, practice it daily, are you not a witch?
If you sit down and think about it, everyone uses magic, whether it's a quick prayer that your children arrive safely to and from school or having your fingers crossed for a new job. all of it is a form of magic. You're tapping into some supernatural energy to bend it to your will for a desired outcome. So you see, witchcraft and those who practice it are not evil. They're not good either. Some people wish malice on others but that doesn't mean the practice is evil. The practice is neutral just like everything else. It has no feelings. It's neither good nor evil. It is the person who makes it so.
The only reason magic and witchcraft are frowned upon is because people. mostly religious leaders, have been taught and have taught others that it is. Those others therefore teach their children, family, and friends. It then just goes on down the line until it is accepted as fact. Racism is geared a lot in the same way. One person doesn't like a group of people because they look and/or do things differently, therefore it must be wrong. never did they think that it might just be different and nothing else. However only we as humans can discern the difference between “good and evil”. Only we are the ones who make something good or bad. For example, if I spent all of my magical practice trying to cause pain and misery to others that would make me the bad person, not the initial practice. I wok it to do bad things. The same happens if I practice to help others. Real magic is neither black nor white. It is both because nature is both loving and cruel. Look at the difference between a rainy day and a hurricane; a windy day and a tornado. Universal energy is both and neither. We make it, work it the way we want it; mold it to fit our desire. Whether it is good or evil is defined by us.
Now as I've stated earlier, witchcraft is not a religion. It is often confused as such because it has been incorporated into the practice of religious ritual. It is most common in Pagan religions. Now what is “pagan?” The true definition is “country dweller; heathen.” When those leaders in Christianity were trying to convert, those who were not a part of the city and therefore did their things their own way were called pagan or heathen. Heathen is defined as “an unconverted member of a people or nation that does not acknowledge the God of the Bible.” Just because they worshiped differently did not make them evil. They believed in God, or more than one, and were following traditions passed down to them over the years.
These days the term 'pagan' has been coined to describe the non-Judeo-Christian religions such as Shamanism, Wicca, Santeria, et cetera. There are a lot of religions out there—too many to list here, that are not Christianity, Judaism, or Islam. Heathen pretty much has the same meaning now as it did back then, just more rarely used.
Now that I've gotten that wonderful vocabulary lesson out of the way let us get to where I really want to go with this. As I've said, I am a witch. My practice is incorporated into my religion. My religion is Pagan—Wicca to be exact. Do I worship Satan or the Devil? No. Do I believe in Satan or the Devil? No. Am I evil? No. Or at least I like to think so. I'm only human after all. Do I believe in an all evil entity? No. How about an all good entity? Again, no. I believe that all gods are pretty much neutral. I am also a polytheist, so I believe in more than one or two gods. I worship several and believe that they each serve a specific purpose. does everyone who follows this religion believe as I do? No. everyone is obviously different—if not, we wouldn't have so many religions to choose from.
The reason for this kind of introduction is to better understand the rest of this book. This is not a teaching guide or how-to book on Wicca or Paganism in general. This isn't even a journalistic book of research on witchcraft. This is more of a diary of sorts to show, or maybe prove, that even though I'm a witch and follow Wicca, I'm just you're every-day girl next door. I'm hoping this will give some insight on how normal me all are.
Luna Skye
November 2009
1444/50000
Some might think I'm crazy when I say I'm a witch. They think I'm saying it for attention or because I have some sort of mental disorder. To be honest, this isn't something I really want attention for. And though I suffer from depression and that's considered a mental disorder, I'm not delusional. I don't think I can produce anything with my fingertips and the only way I'm flying is through American Airlines.
So why do I consider myself a witch? I don't have telekineses or any supernatural power. Hell, unless you count the disappearing act on my food whenever it's dinner time, I'm not even a great illusionist. so why witch? Because I practice witchcraft. Now, there's usually two reactions to this. The first and most common is concern for the well-being of my soul/spirit. Those people end up telling me that I'm on a path of eternal damnation and that I should seek forgiveness and salvation through Jesus Christ and his father Jehovah/Yahweh. That's usually cut short. The concern is usually well meant but not necessary. I grew up in a Christian household. My own mother is a Nondenominational Christian pastor. i even study the Bible – I've done so for years and even know it better than most “Christians.” The second reaction is intrigue. They want to know why, how, and some even ask for favors on “cursing” others. The most hilarious reaction for m was when one actually asked me if I could fly like they did in the movie The Craft. I think I almost peed myself I was laughing so hard.
One thing that a lot of people seem to think is that witch=evil and that witchcraft=religion. Both are wrong. For one thing, almost, if not all, every religion uses some form of witchcraft. It's a common practice that people have gotten used to they can't truly identify it. For example, prayer. What is prayer but focusing our energies for a desired outcome. Are we not using magic when we place our hands upon a loved one and focus, pray for healing? Let's pull out the dictionary for this. according to Webster's Dictionary, witchcraft is said to be “the power or practices of a witch.” Okay, so we're back at 'witch.' What's a witch? The dictionary's first definition is “a person believed to have magic powers, esp: sorceress.” So now we look up sorceress which then leads us sorcery which is defined as “the use of magic.” Now when I say 'magic' what's the first thing that comes to mind? Depending on age, it can be anyone from Houdini to Criss Angel. don't get me wrong, the dictionary's third definition of magic is “sleight-of-hand” but that's not the kind of magic we're talking about here. The first two definitions in the dictionary say the following about magic--”the art of persons who claim to be able to do things by the help of supernatural powers” and “an extraordinary power or influence seemingly from a supernatural force.” so for the sake of argument, what is God if not a supernatural force? what is prayer if not a petition for help from said supernatural force? what is praying to God if not magic? So if we take into account the proper definitions of these words, if you use magic on a regular basis, practice it daily, are you not a witch?
If you sit down and think about it, everyone uses magic, whether it's a quick prayer that your children arrive safely to and from school or having your fingers crossed for a new job. all of it is a form of magic. You're tapping into some supernatural energy to bend it to your will for a desired outcome. So you see, witchcraft and those who practice it are not evil. They're not good either. Some people wish malice on others but that doesn't mean the practice is evil. The practice is neutral just like everything else. It has no feelings. It's neither good nor evil. It is the person who makes it so.
The only reason magic and witchcraft are frowned upon is because people. mostly religious leaders, have been taught and have taught others that it is. Those others therefore teach their children, family, and friends. It then just goes on down the line until it is accepted as fact. Racism is geared a lot in the same way. One person doesn't like a group of people because they look and/or do things differently, therefore it must be wrong. never did they think that it might just be different and nothing else. However only we as humans can discern the difference between “good and evil”. Only we are the ones who make something good or bad. For example, if I spent all of my magical practice trying to cause pain and misery to others that would make me the bad person, not the initial practice. I wok it to do bad things. The same happens if I practice to help others. Real magic is neither black nor white. It is both because nature is both loving and cruel. Look at the difference between a rainy day and a hurricane; a windy day and a tornado. Universal energy is both and neither. We make it, work it the way we want it; mold it to fit our desire. Whether it is good or evil is defined by us.
Now as I've stated earlier, witchcraft is not a religion. It is often confused as such because it has been incorporated into the practice of religious ritual. It is most common in Pagan religions. Now what is “pagan?” The true definition is “country dweller; heathen.” When those leaders in Christianity were trying to convert, those who were not a part of the city and therefore did their things their own way were called pagan or heathen. Heathen is defined as “an unconverted member of a people or nation that does not acknowledge the God of the Bible.” Just because they worshiped differently did not make them evil. They believed in God, or more than one, and were following traditions passed down to them over the years.
These days the term 'pagan' has been coined to describe the non-Judeo-Christian religions such as Shamanism, Wicca, Santeria, et cetera. There are a lot of religions out there—too many to list here, that are not Christianity, Judaism, or Islam. Heathen pretty much has the same meaning now as it did back then, just more rarely used.
Now that I've gotten that wonderful vocabulary lesson out of the way let us get to where I really want to go with this. As I've said, I am a witch. My practice is incorporated into my religion. My religion is Pagan—Wicca to be exact. Do I worship Satan or the Devil? No. Do I believe in Satan or the Devil? No. Am I evil? No. Or at least I like to think so. I'm only human after all. Do I believe in an all evil entity? No. How about an all good entity? Again, no. I believe that all gods are pretty much neutral. I am also a polytheist, so I believe in more than one or two gods. I worship several and believe that they each serve a specific purpose. does everyone who follows this religion believe as I do? No. everyone is obviously different—if not, we wouldn't have so many religions to choose from.
The reason for this kind of introduction is to better understand the rest of this book. This is not a teaching guide or how-to book on Wicca or Paganism in general. This isn't even a journalistic book of research on witchcraft. This is more of a diary of sorts to show, or maybe prove, that even though I'm a witch and follow Wicca, I'm just you're every-day girl next door. I'm hoping this will give some insight on how normal me all are.
Luna Skye
November 2009
1444/50000
NaNoWriMo: Count Down!
I am so ready for this!
I finally have an idea for National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) that might actually work.
This is my fourth time doing Nano, and the last three attempts at getting 50000 words by the end of November were bust. I dont think I ever made it past 4000. This time though I'm doing it differently. I am so ready and patiently waiting for midnight so I can get started!
I'll be posting my progress and work here if anybody is interested.
*starts singing* It's the final count down! Doo doo doo doo. Doo doo doo doo doo,..
I finally have an idea for National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) that might actually work.
This is my fourth time doing Nano, and the last three attempts at getting 50000 words by the end of November were bust. I dont think I ever made it past 4000. This time though I'm doing it differently. I am so ready and patiently waiting for midnight so I can get started!
I'll be posting my progress and work here if anybody is interested.
*starts singing* It's the final count down! Doo doo doo doo. Doo doo doo doo doo,..
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Moon Excavation
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/10/08/AR2009100803408_2.html?hpid=moreheadlines&sid=ST2009100804104
"Stand back! They're gonna do science!" -J
Set your alarms to 6am central time, so you can watch it online if you can!
"Stand back! They're gonna do science!" -J
Set your alarms to 6am central time, so you can watch it online if you can!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Invisible Illness Week
Stole this survey from Persues (lj user: alabastard)
1. The illnesses I live with are: Bipolar Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: I have a history of psychological diagnoses. It was clinical depression when I was 13 (2000), which then worsened and upgraded to Bipolar when I was 19 (2005). I had anorexia and bulemia diagnosed as Eating Disorder Unspecified or EDNOS when I was 14 (2001) and am have just recently have it under control. It was later diagnosed as Body Dysmorphic Disorder when I was 21 (2007) as my dislike for my body triggered my ED.
3. But I had symptoms since: I was around 9/10 when my being sexually abused began
4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: awareness of the feelings of others and the care needed for my husband and children as well as myself to keep the care ongoing
5. Most people assume: I'm delusional, self-asbsorbed, hypochondriac
6. The hardest part about mornings is: getting out of bed and focusing on what needs to be done.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: I do not watch medical TV shows
8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: My cell phone.
9. The hardest part about nights is: getting to sleep.
10. Each day I take [?] pills & vitamins. I no longer take prescribed medication for my depression.
11. Regarding alternative treatments, I: rely on physical activity (mowing the lawn, chasing the kids), herbal remedies (st. john's wort), and spiritual study and growth.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose:
Invisible. I do not want someone to look at me and feel pity.
13. Regarding working and career: If not controlled has caused problems in my "follow-through" and activity.
14. People would be surprised to know: -
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is: Just trying to cope on a regular basis and slowly reprogramming self. People believe just because I have a bunch of good things going for me that my brain is happy. It's not. It has nothing to do with my surroundings anymore. It's triggered by random flashbacks and mental-wiring.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness was: love a sexual partner.
17. The commercials about my illness: -
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed: Trusting whole-heartedly; wearing whatever the hell I wanted without feeling the need to feel adored or being self-conscious that someone might see my back-fat rolls.
19. It was really hard to give up: -
20. A new hobby I've taken up since my diagnosis is: reading anything and everything about religions. learning new languages.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would: Define normal.
22. My illness has taught me: that the entire world is based on perception. and unfortunately that perception was sanctioned by idiots.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say (about my illness) that
gets under my skin is: That's it's imaginary.
24. But I love it when people: Give me the benefit of the doubt.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times
is: I don't have actual words. My husband and a few close friends have helped me through my hardest emotional times. My husband helped me feel comfortable with myself. I have relapses with dysmorphia, but I'm no longer keen to hurt myself when it hits. With depression, he's always willing to hold me if necessary.
26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them: Keep trying to move forward. You are not your illness.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: that you can truly fight it in a way where it doesn't affect your loved ones in a negative way.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: just listen and cuddle me.
29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Awareness, awareness, awareness.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: amused. That's a lot of shit to read. LOL
1. The illnesses I live with are: Bipolar Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: I have a history of psychological diagnoses. It was clinical depression when I was 13 (2000), which then worsened and upgraded to Bipolar when I was 19 (2005). I had anorexia and bulemia diagnosed as Eating Disorder Unspecified or EDNOS when I was 14 (2001) and am have just recently have it under control. It was later diagnosed as Body Dysmorphic Disorder when I was 21 (2007) as my dislike for my body triggered my ED.
3. But I had symptoms since: I was around 9/10 when my being sexually abused began
4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: awareness of the feelings of others and the care needed for my husband and children as well as myself to keep the care ongoing
5. Most people assume: I'm delusional, self-asbsorbed, hypochondriac
6. The hardest part about mornings is: getting out of bed and focusing on what needs to be done.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: I do not watch medical TV shows
8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: My cell phone.
9. The hardest part about nights is: getting to sleep.
10. Each day I take [?] pills & vitamins. I no longer take prescribed medication for my depression.
11. Regarding alternative treatments, I: rely on physical activity (mowing the lawn, chasing the kids), herbal remedies (st. john's wort), and spiritual study and growth.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose:
Invisible. I do not want someone to look at me and feel pity.
13. Regarding working and career: If not controlled has caused problems in my "follow-through" and activity.
14. People would be surprised to know: -
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is: Just trying to cope on a regular basis and slowly reprogramming self. People believe just because I have a bunch of good things going for me that my brain is happy. It's not. It has nothing to do with my surroundings anymore. It's triggered by random flashbacks and mental-wiring.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness was: love a sexual partner.
17. The commercials about my illness: -
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed: Trusting whole-heartedly; wearing whatever the hell I wanted without feeling the need to feel adored or being self-conscious that someone might see my back-fat rolls.
19. It was really hard to give up: -
20. A new hobby I've taken up since my diagnosis is: reading anything and everything about religions. learning new languages.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would: Define normal.
22. My illness has taught me: that the entire world is based on perception. and unfortunately that perception was sanctioned by idiots.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say (about my illness) that
gets under my skin is: That's it's imaginary.
24. But I love it when people: Give me the benefit of the doubt.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times
is: I don't have actual words. My husband and a few close friends have helped me through my hardest emotional times. My husband helped me feel comfortable with myself. I have relapses with dysmorphia, but I'm no longer keen to hurt myself when it hits. With depression, he's always willing to hold me if necessary.
26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them: Keep trying to move forward. You are not your illness.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: that you can truly fight it in a way where it doesn't affect your loved ones in a negative way.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: just listen and cuddle me.
29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Awareness, awareness, awareness.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: amused. That's a lot of shit to read. LOL
Monday, September 07, 2009
Fond of Food
My hormones are still out of whack. It's been almost six weeks since I had the baby. I have been feeling like utter shit recently, emotionally. I know it's because my body is trying to get back to where it used to be before being pregnant, and frankly I don't think my body knows where it used to be. It's gone through so many changes chemically, naturally and synthetically, within the past 5 years that I think it's confused. I've been depressed on and off, but I'm coping. It hasn't gotten terrible, but I have made an appointment with my therapist for next month just in case.
I've been busy making changes in my life, both physical and psychological. I finally have Rose on a schedule, so I can manage my sleep better. My hair was getting on my last damn nerve so I shaved it off. Right now I'm working on focusing on the positive and potty-training Iris. No easy feat on both accounts. Another thing I have to focus on is my eating habits. I know I'm supposed to eat more for calorie intake since I breastfeed, but I don't think I'm actually supposed to be eating twice as much as normal like I'm doing now. If I'm not careful I'm going to eat myself sick and overweight so I've been carrying the baby around in the baby carrier for exercise. Walking around with a ten-pound baby and chasing Lily and Iris around really does help burn some of that extra off.
I'm planning on going back to school next year. J already started his new school year last Monday. I'm really proud of him. I'm planning on majoring in as many foreign languages as I can and in the long run have a career as a linguist of some sort. I'd like to be able to make the kind of money to take care of my family and not depend on others. Granted, welfare is great, and we pay taxes so techinically we're just getting our money back, but at the same time I'd like to not worry about my husband worrying about if we have enough money to pay the water and trash bill after paying the mortgage.
I'm not braining good; I think I'm too tired or something. My house is a mess, I'm going to clean something. (But at least the kitchen is clean!)
I've been busy making changes in my life, both physical and psychological. I finally have Rose on a schedule, so I can manage my sleep better. My hair was getting on my last damn nerve so I shaved it off. Right now I'm working on focusing on the positive and potty-training Iris. No easy feat on both accounts. Another thing I have to focus on is my eating habits. I know I'm supposed to eat more for calorie intake since I breastfeed, but I don't think I'm actually supposed to be eating twice as much as normal like I'm doing now. If I'm not careful I'm going to eat myself sick and overweight so I've been carrying the baby around in the baby carrier for exercise. Walking around with a ten-pound baby and chasing Lily and Iris around really does help burn some of that extra off.
I'm planning on going back to school next year. J already started his new school year last Monday. I'm really proud of him. I'm planning on majoring in as many foreign languages as I can and in the long run have a career as a linguist of some sort. I'd like to be able to make the kind of money to take care of my family and not depend on others. Granted, welfare is great, and we pay taxes so techinically we're just getting our money back, but at the same time I'd like to not worry about my husband worrying about if we have enough money to pay the water and trash bill after paying the mortgage.
I'm not braining good; I think I'm too tired or something. My house is a mess, I'm going to clean something. (But at least the kitchen is clean!)
Saturday, August 22, 2009
And on the 7th day They Rested
This week has been amazing.
Sunday, my brother and mother came by with a surprise visit and brought along with them a new dishwasher. I had been needing one for a while but they are so pricey we hadn't bought one. Plus I needed a portable, which are hard to find. My brother found a good deal on one on Best Buy.com and had messaged me saying that it would arrive one Wednesday. I had no idea they were going to bring it themselves! Not only did they hook up my new dishwasher, but they bought me a new kitchen sink faucet since the last one had broken. It works great. An entire load done in under and hour! :D Our old one took 3 hours and barely cleaned anything.
They were such a blessing. Not only did they fix my kitchen but they went out and bought a new toilet and tub handle for the downstairs bathroom as well as paid some plumber to fix that bathroom's sink. They even replaced the sink in the upstairs bathroom to a beautiful pedestal sink. Most of our family time was spent cleaning the house and fixing the majority of the crap that was broken. But I am so thankful.
My brother and I had an afternoon for ourselves. I left the girls with their abuela and he and I went to get a pedicure. We talked a lot, mostly about our past. He's been under a lot of stress and everything has just been piling up that he's been super depressed and having flashbacks. He didn't talk about them until now, and I'm glad he's finally getting all of that negativity out. He blamed himself for what happened to us as children and I told him that it wasn't his fault. I understood why, but that the person to blame was long gone and a coward. We never asked for that abuse and we were very small children, still learning right from wrong, but I don't think we'd be as strong as we are now if we hadn't dealt with it. It sucks, but it's passed and we just have to move on. I hope he knows how much I love him and how much he means to me. When we were little we were super close, closer than my sister and I.
When I was around Lily's age, I'd have a lot of bad dreams and I would crawl into my brother's bed at night and cuddle. I always knew he would be there for me to protect me from my nightmares. He would be the one to guide me back in my room when I would sleepwalk. He'd play with me and my dolls when he would rather play video games. We sat down on the couch every afternoon after school and watch Power Rangers together. After my stepdad committed suicide our relationship changed and it became strained. He was the man of the house and he was taking care of my mom and me. I was 13 then, and he was only 20. He sacrificed a lot just to make sure our family would stay in one piece.
Anyway, I think now that we've gotten all of that old hurt and frustration out in the open it will be a lot easier for us to repair the damage caused by my stepfather. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted and things will just start falling into place quicker.
Now if only my sister had been here, too, We would have had one hilarious hell of a time. I love the hell out of those two. They get on my god-damned nerves, but I love them. :)
Anyway, my family left this morning. Lily just about cried when she relized they weren't coming back but my brother reassured her that they would come and visit soon. I think we'll also be visiting them during the winter holidays. I still don't know. I want to wait until Rose is eating solids so that the car ride would be easier, and that one be until she's at least 6 months. We'll see.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Baby Formula
Anyone know of anybody who is using or will use baby formula? I breastfeed and in my hospital care-package there was a bottle of Ready-to-Feed Similac Advance Baby Formula along with a box of Enfamil Lipil with 4oz packets. One packet is missing because I actually used it my first week to supplement. I have no use for these so if you know of anyone who does, let me know.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
RT @momlogic: DO NOT post this on Twitter! http://bit.ly/silkF
*or anywhere online for that matter unless its set to friends only.*
*or anywhere online for that matter unless its set to friends only.*
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Must.Have.Sleep.
I am so tired. No matter the amount of sleep I get, I can't seem to rest even with sleep aids. I wake up and my everything hurts. My belly feels bruised from the baby's kicks. My back hurts so much that if I take a deep breath I get a sharp pain down my spine. It's so difficult just to yawn. I already have a hard time breathing from Rose's feet in my ribs/lungs. I've only been up two hours and I want to go back to sleep already. I really hate feeling like this.
I have a bunch of chores that need to be done, like washing the dishes and cleaning up. Instead I've been lounging about reading Solaris. I just feel so blah. My baby shower is tomorrow and I'm not even excited. I just want to be done with this pregnancy and have my baby already!
I need to go and play with my children now before they attack me.
I have a bunch of chores that need to be done, like washing the dishes and cleaning up. Instead I've been lounging about reading Solaris. I just feel so blah. My baby shower is tomorrow and I'm not even excited. I just want to be done with this pregnancy and have my baby already!
I need to go and play with my children now before they attack me.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Summer Fun?
I am so tired and feel like death. I can't sleep well because I'm in the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy. My allergies are doing terrible things to me -- I'm allergic to pet dander (and I have two cats and a dog) and pollen (the flowers are in full bloom, some already falling down getting ready for fruit.) I've just felt so lazy. I have so many dishes to wash (by hand!) and was going to do them yesterday, but cut the dog's hair instead. It took me three hours just to get through all the matted fur very carefully with a pair of scissors. The buzz clipper did the rest. Summer has started and all I want to do is sleep. Thankfully we have a an inflatable pool for the girls and go in there when we can.
I was going to add more to this post but all I really want to do is nap.
I was going to add more to this post but all I really want to do is nap.
Friday, June 19, 2009
The Storm Rages
I'm writing this at 417 in the morning. Whenever I post this, I don't know. There's currently a nasty storm raging outside. I haven't slept. I stayed up late organizing a photo album on my Facebook profile until a little past midnight. Then some BH contractions hit and I spent another 20 minutes walking around the kitchen to alleviate them. I headed to bed anyway but ended up getting out of bed several times to either pee or walk around some more. Then Rose had the hiccups. Needless to say I didn't finally fall alseep until almost 2am. I was woken up a half hor later by the thunder that was rumbling so loudly it shook my house and the lightning flashes that made me feel as if paparazzi were outside my window. I went downstairs to make sure the computer was turned off and brought the dog inside. I then checked on the girls and tried to go back to sleep. (not an easy task)
Three thirty rolls around and I'm woken up again, this time by the sound out our bedroom sink (don't ask, it was there when we bought the house) making gurgling draining noises. Debating whether or not the drainage was from outside or the basement, I got dressed and went to the basement just to make sure to find the wall had cracked and pulled apart again and rainwater was leaking all over the floor. I then hastened to move any unprotected valuables off the ground. It took a lot more time and energy than I really wanted to use.
And so we've come full circle. It's past 430 and I still need sleep. So goodnight/good morning to all.
Three thirty rolls around and I'm woken up again, this time by the sound out our bedroom sink (don't ask, it was there when we bought the house) making gurgling draining noises. Debating whether or not the drainage was from outside or the basement, I got dressed and went to the basement just to make sure to find the wall had cracked and pulled apart again and rainwater was leaking all over the floor. I then hastened to move any unprotected valuables off the ground. It took a lot more time and energy than I really wanted to use.
And so we've come full circle. It's past 430 and I still need sleep. So goodnight/good morning to all.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Friday, May 01, 2009
Health Fail
With all this talk about swine flu, I'm actually not worried about it. None of my children go to public school, or any day care, we barely leave the house anyway, and even when we do we always wash our hands in bathrooms and use hand sanitizers everywhere we go. We have one in the car, one in the diaper bag, and another in my purse, plus several at home of course.
Now I just wish I wasn't fucking sick. Again. I have some stupid chest cold. I hate that I can't take anything but Tussin for it. If it doesn't get better within a week, I'm going to the doctor to make sure it isn't bronchitis. I am known for major health fail--I was born into it.
Sadly, I'm the "healthiest" one in my family. My sister has type 1 diabetes since she was 2. She is currently overweight, anemic, and has malfunctions in both her kidneys and thyroid. My brother is asthmatic, hypoglycemic, and has sensitive skin that if not taken well care of can get skin infections. My mother has type 2 diabetes, asthma, hyper-tension, kidney problems, carpal tunnel syndrome, and has had her gallbladder removed due to disease. I am only the healthiest because I do not have diabetes and/or asthma. But My health is still full of fail. We all suffer from indoor AND outdoor allergies and because of it end up with colds, sinusitis, and other respiratory ailments.
I just wish I could take SOMETHING that would work. I hate being pregnant and sick. I'm finally not having any terrible allergies, but if it's not one thing, it's another, right? Now I'm stuck with this stupid congestion in my chest, I can't sleep, I'm coughing so much my throat, chest and abdomen hurt, and because I'm a slightly smaller version of a beached whale, I damn near piss myself every time I have a coughing fit. This is GOD DAMN RIDICULOUS.
*sigh* Anybody out there want to be sick, pregnant and physically miserable for me?
On another note, I've kept the house clean. My friend Liz stops by every Tuesday, and this week I was actually in the middle of doing some chores since my children weren't being demon spawn and behaving. So she helped me finish the dishes and then watched the girls while I swept and mopped the floors. Since then I've been able to keep the house pretty tidy since I just clean up while the girls are in bed. At nap time, I take about a half hour off my nap and put away books and toys. At bed time I wash dishes and sweep. I used to think it was just too much work to do that, but I will admit that it makes things easier and less stressful.
I'm managing my stress better. Mainly because I have a routine. I wake up at around the same time every day and sleep/rest at the same time. On the weekends, when J has off, we have family time so we break off of the routine for a couple of days and start back up Monday morning. It's helped a lot that I only go to behavioral therapy only once a month, mostly just to have some "me" time so I don't do murders. I love my husband but he doesn't get me at all. I don't hold it against him, though. I don't get him either. ;)
I wish to write more, but I'm tired. Off to bed...
Now I just wish I wasn't fucking sick. Again. I have some stupid chest cold. I hate that I can't take anything but Tussin for it. If it doesn't get better within a week, I'm going to the doctor to make sure it isn't bronchitis. I am known for major health fail--I was born into it.
Sadly, I'm the "healthiest" one in my family. My sister has type 1 diabetes since she was 2. She is currently overweight, anemic, and has malfunctions in both her kidneys and thyroid. My brother is asthmatic, hypoglycemic, and has sensitive skin that if not taken well care of can get skin infections. My mother has type 2 diabetes, asthma, hyper-tension, kidney problems, carpal tunnel syndrome, and has had her gallbladder removed due to disease. I am only the healthiest because I do not have diabetes and/or asthma. But My health is still full of fail. We all suffer from indoor AND outdoor allergies and because of it end up with colds, sinusitis, and other respiratory ailments.
I just wish I could take SOMETHING that would work. I hate being pregnant and sick. I'm finally not having any terrible allergies, but if it's not one thing, it's another, right? Now I'm stuck with this stupid congestion in my chest, I can't sleep, I'm coughing so much my throat, chest and abdomen hurt, and because I'm a slightly smaller version of a beached whale, I damn near piss myself every time I have a coughing fit. This is GOD DAMN RIDICULOUS.
*sigh* Anybody out there want to be sick, pregnant and physically miserable for me?
On another note, I've kept the house clean. My friend Liz stops by every Tuesday, and this week I was actually in the middle of doing some chores since my children weren't being demon spawn and behaving. So she helped me finish the dishes and then watched the girls while I swept and mopped the floors. Since then I've been able to keep the house pretty tidy since I just clean up while the girls are in bed. At nap time, I take about a half hour off my nap and put away books and toys. At bed time I wash dishes and sweep. I used to think it was just too much work to do that, but I will admit that it makes things easier and less stressful.
I'm managing my stress better. Mainly because I have a routine. I wake up at around the same time every day and sleep/rest at the same time. On the weekends, when J has off, we have family time so we break off of the routine for a couple of days and start back up Monday morning. It's helped a lot that I only go to behavioral therapy only once a month, mostly just to have some "me" time so I don't do murders. I love my husband but he doesn't get me at all. I don't hold it against him, though. I don't get him either. ;)
I wish to write more, but I'm tired. Off to bed...
Monday, April 13, 2009
Stupid Allergies
My allergies are kicking my ass. We went to church yesterday and I had absolutely no problem whatsoever with my alergies. We were gone for most of the day, so even when I was at home it was just a bit of sneezing. This morning, however, is another story. I barely slept last night. All this coughing, and sneezing, etc is really starting to get on my nerves. Seriously.
I want to clean this house, but I also want to sleep forever.
Ugh. I hate feeling like death.
On a random note, a couple of days ago, J and I are at the grocery store and I keep pressing against my belly. Rose was walloping me to no end:
J: "Why do you keep doing that?"
Me: "The baby thinks she's a ninja and is kicking the shit out of me. Like this, judo-cock!" *kicks the air and then realizes vowel mistake* *giggle* "I said cock instead of kick."
J: "That's how you got pregnant."
LOL. Gotta love a ninja-penis.
I want to clean this house, but I also want to sleep forever.
Ugh. I hate feeling like death.
On a random note, a couple of days ago, J and I are at the grocery store and I keep pressing against my belly. Rose was walloping me to no end:
J: "Why do you keep doing that?"
Me: "The baby thinks she's a ninja and is kicking the shit out of me. Like this, judo-cock!" *kicks the air and then realizes vowel mistake* *giggle* "I said cock instead of kick."
J: "That's how you got pregnant."
LOL. Gotta love a ninja-penis.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
A Letter from the Senator
Today I received an e-mail from the Iowa chapter of Planned Parenthood letting me know that legislators are creating a waiver to strip Medicaid funding. Even though I do have private health insurance (that costs us a fortune) I am also on Medicaid, which has helped me through my previous pregnancies as well as this current one.
Anyway, with the help of IPPAN I sent an e-mail to one of our legislators today.
From: yvonnexxxxx@gmail.com
Sent: Thursday, April 09, 2009 2:39 PM
To: Windschitl, Matt
Subject: Oppose H1504, H1519 to HF811
Representative Matt Windschitl
Iowa Legislature
Second Floor, State Capitol
xxxxxxxxxx, IA 5xxxx
Dear Representative Windschitl,
I urge you to oppose all amendments which would strip funding
from the Medicaid family planning waiver and the family planning
line item. As the economy worsens, these safety net programs are
vital to ensure even more low-income women in Iowa can access
the health care they need.
Family planning clinics have seen record increases in the number
of low-income patients. During this tough economy, we absolutely
must fund these programs to protect Iowans.
I ask that you oppose this amendment to the Medicaid family
planning waiver and the family planning line item.
As a woman on Medicaid, it has come to help a lot in my time of
need. With the economy as it is right now, it has become
difficult to pay the hundreds of dollars needed for regular
health insurance.
This program has helped many women in this currently defunct
economy. We do not make the money legislators and CEOs make, so
if funding is stripped, we are left without insurance and unable
to acquire necessary medication and/or procedures.
Sincerely,
Yvonne xxxx
XXXXXXX St.
XXXXXXX, IA 5xxxx
Now I have sent many letters in the past to legislators for one issue or another. I have never had any respond until today.
Sent: Thursday, April 09, 2009 3:35 PM
To:yvonne.ames@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Oppose H1504, H1519 to HF811
Yvonne,
Thank you for taking the time to contact me and share you concerns regarding restoring funding to Medicaid. As you know there are many areas in the states budget that are enduring similar cuts in their budgets in order to cope with the declining revenue in the state. There is a good deal of Federal Stimulus money coming to Iowa, but I am not sure what exactly this money can be used for, as there are many strings attached to this money in regards to where it may be spent and how it is used.
We are going line by line through the budget trying to find ways to cut inefficiencies in order to be able to restore funding to areas that are feeling the brunt of the budget cuts. It is truly a matter of setting priorities in Iowa, unfortunately when suggestions are made by minority party members like me about where we need to be setting priorities we are often not heard. We will continue to have the discussion and emphasize where we believe we need to be directing funding and setting priorities.
Please feel free to contact me again at anytime on any issue.
Sincerely,
Matt Windschitl
State Representative
Iowa House District 56
Capitol 515-000-0000
District 712-000-0000
Anyway, with the help of IPPAN I sent an e-mail to one of our legislators today.
From: yvonnexxxxx@gmail.com
Sent: Thursday, April 09, 2009 2:39 PM
To: Windschitl, Matt
Subject: Oppose H1504, H1519 to HF811
Representative Matt Windschitl
Iowa Legislature
Second Floor, State Capitol
xxxxxxxxxx, IA 5xxxx
Dear Representative Windschitl,
I urge you to oppose all amendments which would strip funding
from the Medicaid family planning waiver and the family planning
line item. As the economy worsens, these safety net programs are
vital to ensure even more low-income women in Iowa can access
the health care they need.
Family planning clinics have seen record increases in the number
of low-income patients. During this tough economy, we absolutely
must fund these programs to protect Iowans.
I ask that you oppose this amendment to the Medicaid family
planning waiver and the family planning line item.
As a woman on Medicaid, it has come to help a lot in my time of
need. With the economy as it is right now, it has become
difficult to pay the hundreds of dollars needed for regular
health insurance.
This program has helped many women in this currently defunct
economy. We do not make the money legislators and CEOs make, so
if funding is stripped, we are left without insurance and unable
to acquire necessary medication and/or procedures.
Sincerely,
Yvonne xxxx
XXXXXXX St.
XXXXXXX, IA 5xxxx
Now I have sent many letters in the past to legislators for one issue or another. I have never had any respond until today.
Sent: Thursday, April 09, 2009 3:35 PM
To:
Subject: RE: Oppose H1504, H1519 to HF811
Yvonne,
Thank you for taking the time to contact me and share you concerns regarding restoring funding to Medicaid. As you know there are many areas in the states budget that are enduring similar cuts in their budgets in order to cope with the declining revenue in the state. There is a good deal of Federal Stimulus money coming to Iowa, but I am not sure what exactly this money can be used for, as there are many strings attached to this money in regards to where it may be spent and how it is used.
We are going line by line through the budget trying to find ways to cut inefficiencies in order to be able to restore funding to areas that are feeling the brunt of the budget cuts. It is truly a matter of setting priorities in Iowa, unfortunately when suggestions are made by minority party members like me about where we need to be setting priorities we are often not heard. We will continue to have the discussion and emphasize where we believe we need to be directing funding and setting priorities.
Please feel free to contact me again at anytime on any issue.
Sincerely,
Matt Windschitl
State Representative
Iowa House District 56
Capitol 515-000-0000
District 712-000-0000
Monday, April 06, 2009
Le Sigh
I am so tired.
My house is a mess and I don't feel like cleaning anything.
I have a chest cold and my everything aches. Being sick and pregnant is no fun. I can't actually take anything that works! I'm stuck with Sudafed and Benadryl and even then I have to stick to a minimum. Gr. I hate this so much.
I have such a ton of stuff to do. The play room is a god-awful mess, which is no surprise. Toys everywhere. The living room just needs a good sweeping. It actually feels weird without a ton of shit all over the floor. The kitchen is what needs the most work done. A sink full of dishes, the counter-tops, and the floor all need a good washing.
What I really want to do is sleep forever.
My house is a mess and I don't feel like cleaning anything.
I have a chest cold and my everything aches. Being sick and pregnant is no fun. I can't actually take anything that works! I'm stuck with Sudafed and Benadryl and even then I have to stick to a minimum. Gr. I hate this so much.
I have such a ton of stuff to do. The play room is a god-awful mess, which is no surprise. Toys everywhere. The living room just needs a good sweeping. It actually feels weird without a ton of shit all over the floor. The kitchen is what needs the most work done. A sink full of dishes, the counter-tops, and the floor all need a good washing.
What I really want to do is sleep forever.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Life in a Nutshell
For a little over a month I willingly took Prozac to see if it would help with my mood swings and depression. Granted, I had already taken them years ago and became immune to them after some time, but my obstetrician thought it would work differently this time around with my pregnancy hormones. I gave it a try for almost two months and just recently quit. The entire process has felt utterly pointless and hopeless. I will admit that the medication did help with staying focus, but there is just too much emotional baggage that I have that cannot be easily fixed even with the help of medication and therapy.
I have not gone to behavioral therapy in months. Mostly because I am pregnant and all of my pregnancies always seem to make me more sick than I normally am. So I have just been keeping things to myself. I know this is not a good way to handle things but for once, I am actually okay. I am not suicidal, and even though I wish I could just get up and leave, I can actually give you reasons why. And I am starting to see the reasons why I should stay. The only thing I have been feeling is resentment toward my husband and disappointment toward self. I am trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings and fix the problem caused by them without going insane or becoming emotionally recluse. I just wish I could honestly open up to someone without feeling like I am constantly being judged.
My blood pressure is unnaturally low, I have fainted a couple of times at work, and I am just so fucking tired all the time. I cannot get up without wanting to vomit and then pass out. I quit my job because I kept getting dizzy spells at work. This is no fun and incredibly frustrating. I hate not being able to pay off my medical debt by myself. I hate feeling completely useless. Working was the only thing I had to prove that I was not a complete waste of space, that I could in fact do something on my own. Now without it I feel as if I have nothing.
I feel so drained. I know all my physical ailments are caused by the pregnancy. I also know that a good portion of my emotional distress is because of that, too. But unless I can magically have a healthy baby at only five months gestation, there is not much I can do about it. The rest is old and dusty memories that I need to throw away. Even emotionally I am a pack rat; there are just some things I should not even be keeping. At least with some I have finally let go. Now if only I could do that with the rest. It has taken such a toll on me that I just don't know what to think anymore.
I left all the religious groups I was affiliated with. I have a Jehovah's Witness come to my house every Tuesday morning, but the main reason I have not stopped those gatherings is because I like the company and so do my daughters. She is a very sweet young woman, not much older than I, who has been a big help in a way that she is not aware of. Everything else though, my mother's church, Sage Circle healing group, everything, I just left and took a step back. I just don't know what I believe in anymore. I do not feel anything. Spiritually, I just feel empty.
My life in a nutshell: spiritually empty, emotionally drained, physically ill. Hoo-fucking-ray.
I have not gone to behavioral therapy in months. Mostly because I am pregnant and all of my pregnancies always seem to make me more sick than I normally am. So I have just been keeping things to myself. I know this is not a good way to handle things but for once, I am actually okay. I am not suicidal, and even though I wish I could just get up and leave, I can actually give you reasons why. And I am starting to see the reasons why I should stay. The only thing I have been feeling is resentment toward my husband and disappointment toward self. I am trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings and fix the problem caused by them without going insane or becoming emotionally recluse. I just wish I could honestly open up to someone without feeling like I am constantly being judged.
My blood pressure is unnaturally low, I have fainted a couple of times at work, and I am just so fucking tired all the time. I cannot get up without wanting to vomit and then pass out. I quit my job because I kept getting dizzy spells at work. This is no fun and incredibly frustrating. I hate not being able to pay off my medical debt by myself. I hate feeling completely useless. Working was the only thing I had to prove that I was not a complete waste of space, that I could in fact do something on my own. Now without it I feel as if I have nothing.
I feel so drained. I know all my physical ailments are caused by the pregnancy. I also know that a good portion of my emotional distress is because of that, too. But unless I can magically have a healthy baby at only five months gestation, there is not much I can do about it. The rest is old and dusty memories that I need to throw away. Even emotionally I am a pack rat; there are just some things I should not even be keeping. At least with some I have finally let go. Now if only I could do that with the rest. It has taken such a toll on me that I just don't know what to think anymore.
I left all the religious groups I was affiliated with. I have a Jehovah's Witness come to my house every Tuesday morning, but the main reason I have not stopped those gatherings is because I like the company and so do my daughters. She is a very sweet young woman, not much older than I, who has been a big help in a way that she is not aware of. Everything else though, my mother's church, Sage Circle healing group, everything, I just left and took a step back. I just don't know what I believe in anymore. I do not feel anything. Spiritually, I just feel empty.
My life in a nutshell: spiritually empty, emotionally drained, physically ill. Hoo-fucking-ray.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Vision Quest Continues
I'm doing a lot of introspection right now and taking a step back from religion and just life in general.
I said goodbye to a lot of groups yesterday and today. I don't really know what plan I'm making, I just know that I feel emotionally and spiritually lost and that I need to get rid of everything first and start over.
I've been trying to get my thoughts in order, but I'm doing a terrible job, so I'm working on that. Anyway, just an update.
I'm always tired, and even though I'm on meds, my depression is still hard to handle on some days. My pregnancy is going great though. I can feel her moving around just fine and she's healthy.
I said goodbye to a lot of groups yesterday and today. I don't really know what plan I'm making, I just know that I feel emotionally and spiritually lost and that I need to get rid of everything first and start over.
I've been trying to get my thoughts in order, but I'm doing a terrible job, so I'm working on that. Anyway, just an update.
I'm always tired, and even though I'm on meds, my depression is still hard to handle on some days. My pregnancy is going great though. I can feel her moving around just fine and she's healthy.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
About Me
You know how sometimes people on your friends list post about stuff going on in their lives, and all of a sudden you think, "Wait a minute? Since when are they working THERE? Since when are they dating HIM/HER? since when???" And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.
Please copy mine below, erase my answers, putting yours in their places, and then post the result in your journal. Please elaborate on the questions which would benefit from elaboration! One-word-answers seldom help anyone out.
1. Name: Yvonne, known as: Vonnie, Cyndi, Luna
2. Age: 22
3. Location: Missouri Valley, IA / Omaha, NE / Council Bluffs, IA
4. Occupation: Parental Unit / Ace Hardware
5. Partner: Husband; Justin. Married 4 yrs (01/25/05) together forever! LOL (05/21/02)
6. Kids: Lily (12/26/05); Iris (10/26/07); Rose (due 07/09)
7. Brothers/Sisters: Sister-Sol (34), Brothers-Nestor (29), David (25) I very rarely speak to any of them.
8. Pets: dog (Missy); 2 cats (Gary, Jules)
9. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:
1. Being a mom
2. Being a wife
3. Getting through depression
4. Being pregnant
10. What did you go to school for? I dropped out...so it doesn't matter.
11. Parents: Mother: Ivonne (53), Non-Denominational Christian Pastor; Father: David (53), works in security technology
12. Who are some of your closest friends? They know who they are; Jaz, Nita, Diana, J...
Please copy mine below, erase my answers, putting yours in their places, and then post the result in your journal. Please elaborate on the questions which would benefit from elaboration! One-word-answers seldom help anyone out.
1. Name: Yvonne, known as: Vonnie, Cyndi, Luna
2. Age: 22
3. Location: Missouri Valley, IA / Omaha, NE / Council Bluffs, IA
4. Occupation: Parental Unit / Ace Hardware
5. Partner: Husband; Justin. Married 4 yrs (01/25/05) together forever! LOL (05/21/02)
6. Kids: Lily (12/26/05); Iris (10/26/07); Rose (due 07/09)
7. Brothers/Sisters: Sister-Sol (34), Brothers-Nestor (29), David (25) I very rarely speak to any of them.
8. Pets: dog (Missy); 2 cats (Gary, Jules)
9. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:
1. Being a mom
2. Being a wife
3. Getting through depression
4. Being pregnant
10. What did you go to school for? I dropped out...so it doesn't matter.
11. Parents: Mother: Ivonne (53), Non-Denominational Christian Pastor; Father: David (53), works in security technology
12. Who are some of your closest friends? They know who they are; Jaz, Nita, Diana, J...
Monday, January 19, 2009
MLK and the Inauguration
As a minority, I have been a victim of racism, as a child living in the North-East coast, and as a teen living in the South. As an adult very few, if any, know that I am Hispanic. However, tomorrow the first African-American president will be inaugurated. There are no boundaries. Only you can create them. I just wish Dr. King was alive to see this day.
Artwork by Shepard Fairey
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
To whom it may concern:
I am not Dr. Ruth.
I am not Dear Abbie.
I am not a licensed professional.
I have my own damn problems; you can't expect me to always try and fix yours.
I am not Dear Abbie.
I am not a licensed professional.
I have my own damn problems; you can't expect me to always try and fix yours.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Happy New Year
1. Have a safe and rockin' 2009 eve. Don't drink and drive, or I'll hunt you down.
2. ames_baby ADD IT (if you haven't already)! Do it cuz I said it.
<3
2. ames_baby ADD IT (if you haven't already)! Do it cuz I said it.
<3
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Happy Holidays
For those who celebrated Yule, hope you had a blessed day. For those who celebrate Hanukkah, hope you are enjoying it. And a Merry Christmas and Kwanzaa to everyone else. :D
I was going to post a video of the girls, but the interwebs is pissing me off, so I just leave you with *hugs*
I was going to post a video of the girls, but the interwebs is pissing me off, so I just leave you with *hugs*
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Random
First off, since it is the New Year for me, I want to start doing things a bit differently.
To begin, I want to wish every November baby a happy birthday.
Tiffiny on the 14th
Perseus and Vane on the 17th
and Diana and Justin on the 23rd
(if I have missed anyone, let me know and I will edit this list)
Halloween went well. Lily dressed up as a scarecrow, while Iris was a little duck. It was a pleasant evening, and I worked that day. I made my costume. It took me three days to make a cute little witch hat, so I was determined to wear my costume to work, which I did, and every customer that came in that day was amused by my awesomeness. :)
For Samhain, I just lit a candle and said a prayer for all the loved ones long passed. I didn't do much, as I was exhausted from being on my feet all day at work, and then went trick-or-treating with the family, and then came home to give out candy... My house is still covered in decorations; I have to take them down and decorate for Thanksgiving now. I'll do that later in the week.
Work is good. I still enjoy it.
That is all.
To begin, I want to wish every November baby a happy birthday.
Tiffiny on the 14th
Perseus and Vane on the 17th
and Diana and Justin on the 23rd
(if I have missed anyone, let me know and I will edit this list)
Halloween went well. Lily dressed up as a scarecrow, while Iris was a little duck. It was a pleasant evening, and I worked that day. I made my costume. It took me three days to make a cute little witch hat, so I was determined to wear my costume to work, which I did, and every customer that came in that day was amused by my awesomeness. :)
For Samhain, I just lit a candle and said a prayer for all the loved ones long passed. I didn't do much, as I was exhausted from being on my feet all day at work, and then went trick-or-treating with the family, and then came home to give out candy... My house is still covered in decorations; I have to take them down and decorate for Thanksgiving now. I'll do that later in the week.
Work is good. I still enjoy it.
That is all.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Work
Work has been going well. I like working there and my coworkers are great. The owners are also very nice and are helping me out a lot when I'm lost and confused and have no idea what I'm doing. Which is getting rare. I've even been helping train our newest teammember, Mike. He's the youngest at 16. Then there's Alex, who I believe is 17, then me.
Anyway, I'm learning a lot, like I said. Jean has been there for 30 years and is goofy and I love working with her. Ted has been here 6 mths and is a total dork, really makes Saturday fly by. And the owners are Tom and Jan.
... ... ...
There was going to be more to this post but I totally forgot what I was going to write about.
Anyway, I'm learning a lot, like I said. Jean has been there for 30 years and is goofy and I love working with her. Ted has been here 6 mths and is a total dork, really makes Saturday fly by. And the owners are Tom and Jan.
... ... ...
There was going to be more to this post but I totally forgot what I was going to write about.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Therapy and an Update
So I've been going to therapy for the past few weeks, once a week, and the good news is that it's helping with my depression. The even better news is that the county has a sliding scale for patients with a certain income and I have absolutely no copayment for my weekly sessions. I go for free. My insurance pays the rest. Awesome.
A couple of days ago I applied at Ace Hardware since they have a large Help Wanted sign on their door. We are a bit tight financially (we're not suffering, but any surprises and we're fucked) so I went and started applying everywhere nearby again. Anyway, I had an interview yesterday. My orientation is tomorrow and I start work on Thursday. I am super excited. :D Last time I applied everywhere not a single company called. This time, not only did I get an interview but I got the job. I've been praying regularly and this time the Divine thought it was a proper time to get a job. Last time, Iris was still only a couple of months old, so even I knew it wasn't a good time. Now, she's almost weaned off the breast and almost a year old (where the fuck has the time gone?!) so it's a good opportunity.
I won't know my schedule until tomorrow. All I know is that I work Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, which are J's days off, so they work. I'll barely see my husband, but we can at least start paying off those medical bills that have accumulated over the last couple of years thanks to my sickly ass. I know we owe like 3k for my hospital stay when I had my gallbladder removed alone. And I'll be able to help out with other bills. Granted, I'm only making minimum wage, but it's better than nothing at all.
A couple of days ago I applied at Ace Hardware since they have a large Help Wanted sign on their door. We are a bit tight financially (we're not suffering, but any surprises and we're fucked) so I went and started applying everywhere nearby again. Anyway, I had an interview yesterday. My orientation is tomorrow and I start work on Thursday. I am super excited. :D Last time I applied everywhere not a single company called. This time, not only did I get an interview but I got the job. I've been praying regularly and this time the Divine thought it was a proper time to get a job. Last time, Iris was still only a couple of months old, so even I knew it wasn't a good time. Now, she's almost weaned off the breast and almost a year old (where the fuck has the time gone?!) so it's a good opportunity.
I won't know my schedule until tomorrow. All I know is that I work Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, which are J's days off, so they work. I'll barely see my husband, but we can at least start paying off those medical bills that have accumulated over the last couple of years thanks to my sickly ass. I know we owe like 3k for my hospital stay when I had my gallbladder removed alone. And I'll be able to help out with other bills. Granted, I'm only making minimum wage, but it's better than nothing at all.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Vision Quest
I'm going through a spiritual journey right now. So I'm going to be taking a bit of a vacation from blogging for about a month or so. If you want to know how I'm doing, or you want me to know how you're doing, or you're bored as shit and just want to say hi ;) feel free to e-mail me at yvonne.ames@gmail.com. I check it daily. Or feel free to call me on my cell. Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well.
Personally, I'm pretty good right now. Been keeping distracted by reading or cleaning something. Emotionally, I've just kept it aside, and when it gets too much, I just write it down. I'll be seeing my doctor on Wednesday to talk it out. I'm tired of meds, so I'm going to see what alternatives I have for my depression and what I can do about it. I know I need to change my way of thinking, which I am working on. I've checked out a book about overcoming depression as well as the book The Secret, which I have only heard good reviews about. (Though I'm a little side-tracked, because I've been busy reading fiction by Ann Hoffman)
Again, feel free to get a hold of me if you want to. <3
Personally, I'm pretty good right now. Been keeping distracted by reading or cleaning something. Emotionally, I've just kept it aside, and when it gets too much, I just write it down. I'll be seeing my doctor on Wednesday to talk it out. I'm tired of meds, so I'm going to see what alternatives I have for my depression and what I can do about it. I know I need to change my way of thinking, which I am working on. I've checked out a book about overcoming depression as well as the book The Secret, which I have only heard good reviews about. (Though I'm a little side-tracked, because I've been busy reading fiction by Ann Hoffman)
Again, feel free to get a hold of me if you want to. <3
Sunday, September 14, 2008
My depression has been getting worse the past couple of days. It hit a terrible low on Thursday and last night I broke down in tears while praying. I thought I had gotten most of it out of my system, but apparently I was wrong. I began crying in my sleep, J woke me up to see if I was ok, and I just couldn't stop sobbing. So he scooted closer and just held me until I passed out. I know at one point he kissed my cheek when I slept, but I could have dreamt it, though I doubt it. Either way, he made me feel better.
I'm still trying to get over it. I don't know why I'm depressed. I don't know why I keep revisiting my past in my dreams. I keep having nightmares, and the only way I can sleep through them is if I take my allergy/cold medicine before bed. If not, I wake up every hour or just don't slepe at all. It's like a shitty remake scene of a Nightmare on Elm street movie. Don't sleep or Freddy wiill get you.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I keep dreaming of suicide or having urges of just leaving everyone, neglecting my kids, etc, when I'm awake. I haven't spoken to J about it mostly because I'm embarrased about the way I feel. Also because he usually teases me when I am sick, calls me a hypochondriac, or tries to make a joke about it. I just don't feel like being made fun of for this when its been emotionally fucking with me for the past few days.
I was slightly euphoric on Monday, and by Thursday I was damn near suicidal. I just don't know where my emotions just plummeted and I don't know how to handle it or who to talk to about it. The only reason why I'm writing it in here is because writing seems to be the best therapy I have. It's just one of those things I can always count on to make me feel a little less like a mental case.
I don't know if I can explain it. I want to be okay. I want to be functional. I want to change into a better person. But even when I try my hardest, it goes unnoticed. I want to do something, and it's like my brain shuts down and says "No, fuck you." I just don't understand why for me waking up in the morning has to be an obstacle. And I don't want it to be. I don't like feeling worthless and useless. I just don't, but for some reason I can't seem to get this feeling out.
Ugh, I annoy myself.
I'm still trying to get over it. I don't know why I'm depressed. I don't know why I keep revisiting my past in my dreams. I keep having nightmares, and the only way I can sleep through them is if I take my allergy/cold medicine before bed. If not, I wake up every hour or just don't slepe at all. It's like a shitty remake scene of a Nightmare on Elm street movie. Don't sleep or Freddy wiill get you.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I keep dreaming of suicide or having urges of just leaving everyone, neglecting my kids, etc, when I'm awake. I haven't spoken to J about it mostly because I'm embarrased about the way I feel. Also because he usually teases me when I am sick, calls me a hypochondriac, or tries to make a joke about it. I just don't feel like being made fun of for this when its been emotionally fucking with me for the past few days.
I was slightly euphoric on Monday, and by Thursday I was damn near suicidal. I just don't know where my emotions just plummeted and I don't know how to handle it or who to talk to about it. The only reason why I'm writing it in here is because writing seems to be the best therapy I have. It's just one of those things I can always count on to make me feel a little less like a mental case.
I don't know if I can explain it. I want to be okay. I want to be functional. I want to change into a better person. But even when I try my hardest, it goes unnoticed. I want to do something, and it's like my brain shuts down and says "No, fuck you." I just don't understand why for me waking up in the morning has to be an obstacle. And I don't want it to be. I don't like feeling worthless and useless. I just don't, but for some reason I can't seem to get this feeling out.
Ugh, I annoy myself.
Monday, September 08, 2008
I hate being sick.
And I hate my babies being sick even more.
I love the cuddle time I get when they wake up and that's all they want to do, but we're all runny-nosed and moody. Cranky as all get out.
We've been going to the library every day (or almost every day) for "school". I like it better than home because of the cute little chairs and tables and the cats and dog won't get in the way. Also, Iris doesn't eat the crayons because she's distracted by other things around her. At home she likes to tip everything over and then proceed to lick every crayon thoroughly. Lily gets to meet new people and show-off to DeAnn (children's librarian).
Twenty-one worksheets for Lily this week...I don't know how I'm going to space them out yet. We're going to Head Start tomorrow (today?) to meet with the coordinators and check out the program. It's a half-hour walk; we'll pick flowers and leaves on the way like we always do. I'm really hoping they will take her early. I'm at a loss on what to do for her when I can't seem to find a preschool curriculum (read free curriculum) that is set for 2 to 3 year olds. Everything I find is set for 4-5. She has the shapes, letters, numbers, and colors down, and we're now working on writing and drawing them all. I think everything is going well (she's writing her own name now) but it's nice to be able to learn something from the professionals.
I'm thinking of going back to school again. This time for journalism. I'm not sure though. J has never really seen any of my research or my essays. Most of them are based on research I did for my circle or Pagan classes, so I know he wouldn't really be interested. But since he hasn't seen what I can do or what I've done, he doesn't know whether or not I have a definite interest in it. I love to write, I love to do research, and I love to write about research. I've done a couple of essays for my circle's newsletter, but like I said, those all have something to do on Paganism. I'd love to be a professional writer some day, but I'm a terrible author; my imagination ain't what it used to be. I'd rather write about facts and opinions.
My strongest subjects in school, the subjects that I was placed in Advanced Placement learning for and the Talented and Gifted program (talkative and goofy), were English and Social Studies. Journalism would be a great way to combine my strongest subjects. I'll have to do a little research on schools offering and the pay and such, but I think this might be it. I would really like to continue my education and have something my girls can be proud of. Seriously, I would not like them to think of me as someone who was mediocre at best in her career--if I ever do get one.
I need sleep. I wish I wasn't so sick. Damn you, J, for giving me this cold/flu/thing/disease.
And I hate my babies being sick even more.
I love the cuddle time I get when they wake up and that's all they want to do, but we're all runny-nosed and moody. Cranky as all get out.
We've been going to the library every day (or almost every day) for "school". I like it better than home because of the cute little chairs and tables and the cats and dog won't get in the way. Also, Iris doesn't eat the crayons because she's distracted by other things around her. At home she likes to tip everything over and then proceed to lick every crayon thoroughly. Lily gets to meet new people and show-off to DeAnn (children's librarian).
Twenty-one worksheets for Lily this week...I don't know how I'm going to space them out yet. We're going to Head Start tomorrow (today?) to meet with the coordinators and check out the program. It's a half-hour walk; we'll pick flowers and leaves on the way like we always do. I'm really hoping they will take her early. I'm at a loss on what to do for her when I can't seem to find a preschool curriculum (read free curriculum) that is set for 2 to 3 year olds. Everything I find is set for 4-5. She has the shapes, letters, numbers, and colors down, and we're now working on writing and drawing them all. I think everything is going well (she's writing her own name now) but it's nice to be able to learn something from the professionals.
I'm thinking of going back to school again. This time for journalism. I'm not sure though. J has never really seen any of my research or my essays. Most of them are based on research I did for my circle or Pagan classes, so I know he wouldn't really be interested. But since he hasn't seen what I can do or what I've done, he doesn't know whether or not I have a definite interest in it. I love to write, I love to do research, and I love to write about research. I've done a couple of essays for my circle's newsletter, but like I said, those all have something to do on Paganism. I'd love to be a professional writer some day, but I'm a terrible author; my imagination ain't what it used to be. I'd rather write about facts and opinions.
My strongest subjects in school, the subjects that I was placed in Advanced Placement learning for and the Talented and Gifted program (talkative and goofy), were English and Social Studies. Journalism would be a great way to combine my strongest subjects. I'll have to do a little research on schools offering and the pay and such, but I think this might be it. I would really like to continue my education and have something my girls can be proud of. Seriously, I would not like them to think of me as someone who was mediocre at best in her career--if I ever do get one.
I need sleep. I wish I wasn't so sick. Damn you, J, for giving me this cold/flu/thing/disease.
I hate being sick.
And I hate my babies being sick even more.
I love the cuddle time I get when they wake up and that's all they want to do, but we're all runny-nosed and moody. Cranky as all get out.
We've been going to the library every day (or almost every day) for "school". I like it better than home because of the cute little chairs and tables and the cats and dog won't get in the way. Also, Iris doesn't eat the crayons because she's distracted by other things around her. At home she likes to tip everything over and then proceed to lick every crayon thoroughly. Lily gets to meet new people and show-off to DeAnn (children's librarian).
Twenty-one worksheets for Lily this week...I don't know how I'm going to space them out yet. We're going to Head Start tomorrow (today?) to meet with the coordinators and check out the program. It's a half-hour walk; we'll pick flowers and leaves on the way like we always do. I'm really hoping they will take her early. I'm at a loss on what to do for her when I can't seem to find a preschool curriculum (read free curriculum) that is set for 2 to 3 year olds. Everything I find is set for 4-5. She has the shapes, letters, numbers, and colors down, and we're now working on writing and drawing them all. I think everything is going well (she's writing her own name now) but it's nice to be able to learn something from the professionals.
I'm thinking of going back to school again. This time for journalism. I'm not sure though. J has never really seen any of my research or my essays. Most of them are based on research I did for my circle or Pagan classes, so I know he wouldn't really be interested. But since he hasn't seen what I can do or what I've done, he doesn't know whether or not I have a definite interest in it. I love to write, I love to do research, and I love to write about research. I've done a couple of essays for my circle's newsletter, but like I said, those all have something to do on Paganism. I'd love to be a professional writer some day, but I'm a terrible author; my imagination ain't what it used to be. I'd rather write about facts and opinions.
My strongest subjects in school, the subjects that I was placed in Advanced Placement learning for and the Talented and Gifted program (talkative and goofy), were English and Social Studies. Journalism would be a great way to combine my strongest subjects. I'll have to do a little research on schools offering and the pay and such, but I think this might be it. I would really like to continue my education and have something my girls can be proud of. Seriously, I would not like them to think of me as someone who was mediocre at best in her career--if I ever do get one.
I need sleep. I wish I wasn't so sick. Damn you, J, for giving me this cold/flu/thing/disease.
And I hate my babies being sick even more.
I love the cuddle time I get when they wake up and that's all they want to do, but we're all runny-nosed and moody. Cranky as all get out.
We've been going to the library every day (or almost every day) for "school". I like it better than home because of the cute little chairs and tables and the cats and dog won't get in the way. Also, Iris doesn't eat the crayons because she's distracted by other things around her. At home she likes to tip everything over and then proceed to lick every crayon thoroughly. Lily gets to meet new people and show-off to DeAnn (children's librarian).
Twenty-one worksheets for Lily this week...I don't know how I'm going to space them out yet. We're going to Head Start tomorrow (today?) to meet with the coordinators and check out the program. It's a half-hour walk; we'll pick flowers and leaves on the way like we always do. I'm really hoping they will take her early. I'm at a loss on what to do for her when I can't seem to find a preschool curriculum (read free curriculum) that is set for 2 to 3 year olds. Everything I find is set for 4-5. She has the shapes, letters, numbers, and colors down, and we're now working on writing and drawing them all. I think everything is going well (she's writing her own name now) but it's nice to be able to learn something from the professionals.
I'm thinking of going back to school again. This time for journalism. I'm not sure though. J has never really seen any of my research or my essays. Most of them are based on research I did for my circle or Pagan classes, so I know he wouldn't really be interested. But since he hasn't seen what I can do or what I've done, he doesn't know whether or not I have a definite interest in it. I love to write, I love to do research, and I love to write about research. I've done a couple of essays for my circle's newsletter, but like I said, those all have something to do on Paganism. I'd love to be a professional writer some day, but I'm a terrible author; my imagination ain't what it used to be. I'd rather write about facts and opinions.
My strongest subjects in school, the subjects that I was placed in Advanced Placement learning for and the Talented and Gifted program (talkative and goofy), were English and Social Studies. Journalism would be a great way to combine my strongest subjects. I'll have to do a little research on schools offering and the pay and such, but I think this might be it. I would really like to continue my education and have something my girls can be proud of. Seriously, I would not like them to think of me as someone who was mediocre at best in her career--if I ever do get one.
I need sleep. I wish I wasn't so sick. Damn you, J, for giving me this cold/flu/thing/disease.
So, last week I'm cleaning dishes and such and decide to reorganize/switch the storage of pots and pans. (They were on the opposite side by the pantry while the juice was under the stovetop) J comes in the kitchen and helps me out, there had been a few peices of wood, metal contraptions from the previous owner of this house and bits and peices of things I don't even know what they were. In this group was some left-over tile. J picks it up and heads to the basement wondering where this tile came from. He didn't believe the tile he was holding was used anywhere in the house. I grab his attention and he looks up to find me pointing in the direction of the sink/stove/counters. The left-over tile he was holding was the tile used on that kitchen wall. His response: "Oh my god! There's tile there?!" (or something along those lines, as I do not remember the exact wording--I just know I damn near pissed myself I was trying not to laugh too hard)
We have lived in this house for over a year. We moved in June 1, 2007 and last week was when J noticed there was tile on the back wall of the kitchen. He cooks, and he used to be the one who washed the dishes, so how he went a YEAR without noticing the tile is beyond me.
I love my husband. He amuses the shit out of me.
We have lived in this house for over a year. We moved in June 1, 2007 and last week was when J noticed there was tile on the back wall of the kitchen. He cooks, and he used to be the one who washed the dishes, so how he went a YEAR without noticing the tile is beyond me.
I love my husband. He amuses the shit out of me.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
I just realized that ten years have passed. Ten years have passed since I last felt disgusting and filthy in my own bed. Ten years have passed since I hated my body so much I wanted to tear off my skin. Ten years have passed since my step father last touched me. Ten years have passed.
I'm emotionally fucked for all eternity. This I know. But I didn't do this to myself, and it didn't happen because being emo was a fad in high school. I wasn't depressed and messed up for shits and giggles, I didn't do it for attention, and it wasn't because it was “hip” or “cool.” From the age of nine up until I was twelve-years-old, my stepfather came into my room every night to touch, to rape, and to humiliate me. And every day I would go by as if nothing had happen. Every day I would hate myself more and more for saying nothing. Every night I would fight with sleep and wake up in the middle of the night to have it happen again. And every day I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to stop it. I didn't know I could.
My innocence was stolen from me when I was 9. My voice and my self-esteem and self-respect went with it. Little by little I built myself back up and slowly but surely I worked to be sane again. He came fewer and fewer times after I had begun menstruating. He came even less when I had begun to lose massive amounts of weight. And then he finally stopped. A year passed and no more late-night visits. But I would still scream in the middle of the night, I would still wake up sweating and crying, clinging on to my clothes, praying. Mentally I was caged. He had torn me apart from the outside in and out again.
At that point I had lost so much weight that my friends became concerned. I was gaunt, and frail, and terribly sick. I was forced to go to my counselor's office and there she coaxed out what I had been wanting to say for years. “Does your father touch you?” “Yes.” I was such a mess. At that time a hurricane had blown through Puerto Rico and we had only heard from half of our family. The other half, we didnt know if they were ok. (In the end, the entire family was fine.) But I was worried out of my mind. I was 13, but my nerves were shot. Add that to sleepless nights and a constant fear and well, I was slowly killing myself. I had tried to commit suicide the year before, but I just couldn't come to terms with that. This seemed easier.
I am now twenty-two. I have not seen my stepfather since I was 13 only because he committed suicide a week after I confessed to my counselor. C.I.D. had removed him from our house and he had been staying with some friends. He drove off for work that morning only to be found in his car dying from self-inflicted poisoning. He had drunk a bottle of some cleaner that I don't remember.
My mother found his diary about a year or two after we had moved back to Texas. He had written saying that he felt like he had done nothing wrong, that all he ever did was teach me. And I remembered that every night he would tell me that all he was doing was teaching me. That I needed to learn. I don't know what he thought he was teaching a 9, 10, 11 year-old, but he can't teach anyone else anymore.
One thing I know for certain is that I am strong. I much stronger than he is and I will continue to be strong. I was not the coward. I was not the one who committed suicide. I faced my fear and beat it, and even though there are nights where I still cry out for help, I am ok.
It has been ten years since my childhood disappeared. It has been ten years since I knew I could survive.
I just feel like typing right now.
Ever have the feeling of writing or typing up something but never know what to write about? i have that problem often. It's like never-ending writer's block. I keep an online journal, I keep a paper journal, and I doodle a ton, but I just can't seem to keep thoughts in one place or put creatove thought on paper. My fingers tingle and itch to type keys or grab a pencil or pen and once my hand hits keyboard or paper...nothing. My mind turns up a total blank.
Right now I'm just typing what comes to mind...a bit like a stream of conciousness. I haven't done poetry like that in a while. I prefer slam poetry though. It's a lot more fun. I haven't done that in a while, either. I haven't really written much in the past coupld of years. Just been busy with other things. Creatively speaking, I've been in a sort of funk.
I want to get a bit of extra cash so I can help out financially. I want to turn my life around and do my part financially. No one wants to hire me here, but that is only because I have very little work experience. J doesn't want me working because he thinks the girls are still too young for me to leave them with a sitter on a daily basis. Even then, we can't afford a sitter or child care. We'd actually be worse off if I did find a job and put them in child care. It's so fucking expensive. I've applied at several places in town, but still nothing. I'm willing to not spend any time with my husband so that I can work; trade off on days where he works Sunday through Wednesday and I could work Thursday through Sunday, or something along those lines. But he still thinks it's a bad idea. He really doesn't want me working, but I feel like I should be bringing in something. Anything. I've been wracking my brain for things I could possibly do out of the home for a little extra money, but like I've said previously, I am jack of all trades master of none—mediocre with everything at best. The only passion I have is my faith, so unless I can get paid for being spiritual, I got nothing. ;)
I feel so out of it lately. Even when I'm working with Lily, I space out. Right now I'm sure it's just me being sick, but I don't really know. My health is so fucked up right now, but I am working to get it back on track.
Sometimes I wish I could just sleep forever
Ever have the feeling of writing or typing up something but never know what to write about? i have that problem often. It's like never-ending writer's block. I keep an online journal, I keep a paper journal, and I doodle a ton, but I just can't seem to keep thoughts in one place or put creatove thought on paper. My fingers tingle and itch to type keys or grab a pencil or pen and once my hand hits keyboard or paper...nothing. My mind turns up a total blank.
Right now I'm just typing what comes to mind...a bit like a stream of conciousness. I haven't done poetry like that in a while. I prefer slam poetry though. It's a lot more fun. I haven't done that in a while, either. I haven't really written much in the past coupld of years. Just been busy with other things. Creatively speaking, I've been in a sort of funk.
I want to get a bit of extra cash so I can help out financially. I want to turn my life around and do my part financially. No one wants to hire me here, but that is only because I have very little work experience. J doesn't want me working because he thinks the girls are still too young for me to leave them with a sitter on a daily basis. Even then, we can't afford a sitter or child care. We'd actually be worse off if I did find a job and put them in child care. It's so fucking expensive. I've applied at several places in town, but still nothing. I'm willing to not spend any time with my husband so that I can work; trade off on days where he works Sunday through Wednesday and I could work Thursday through Sunday, or something along those lines. But he still thinks it's a bad idea. He really doesn't want me working, but I feel like I should be bringing in something. Anything. I've been wracking my brain for things I could possibly do out of the home for a little extra money, but like I've said previously, I am jack of all trades master of none—mediocre with everything at best. The only passion I have is my faith, so unless I can get paid for being spiritual, I got nothing. ;)
I feel so out of it lately. Even when I'm working with Lily, I space out. Right now I'm sure it's just me being sick, but I don't really know. My health is so fucked up right now, but I am working to get it back on track.
Sometimes I wish I could just sleep forever
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
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Tuesday, September 02, 2008
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Friday, August 29, 2008
I need to get a bit off my chest. I haven't really put my feelings out there, and I need to release or I may just implode, and well, that's never a good thing.
Don't take pride in being different, that's just silly. Take pride in being true to yourself and not pretending to be someone you're not.
I have a love for all things different, only because they are originals. I don't mind everyday things, but why be a carbon copy of something when you can be unique and refreshing? I'm not saying be wild and outrageous in a way that's just downright annoying and destructive, but be real and honest and know who you are and what you believe in.
I embrace my individuality and don't let others bring me down. It hurts when they try, a lot. They can ruffle my feathers so bad that I make myself ill for a day. The next day, however, I gather myself up and move forward. I know I am different and sometimes bizarre, but I am not wild and rebellious. I am not destructive. I am kind, and loving, and I try my best to be a decent human being. I may not be perfect, and I may not be what a lot of people like, but I am what I like. The only people I aim to please are my children and my husband and if they are happy with me, then I am happy. I don't give a flying fig to what anyone else thinks. I do what I have to do, what I need to do, and what I want to do; what I think is best for my family and myself. And if anyone has a problem with that, they will just have to deal. Say all the mean and hurtful things you want; karma will surely come around and smack you hard. I love myself for who and what I am.
Now am I perfect? Nowhere near it. Am I special in a way where I could win awards or change the world? Probably not. But do I try and improve myself as much as I can? Absolutely. There is always room for improvement no matter who you are.
The only reason why I'm typing this is because not too long ago someone bumped my bumpers real hard and it made me so upset that for a moment I doubted myself as a person. The only reason it didn't get to me too strongly is because my husband reminded me why he loves me and what he loves about me. That made me feel fantastic. Now I handled myself as gracefully as I could with this person, but I was still very frustrated and hurt. This person had said a lot of mean and hateful things and it was difficult for me to play nice. I did, however, and just slowly began to let it go. I knew that this person would eventually get what was coming to them one way or another.
This happened a lot sooner than I thought and even though a part of me inside is jumping with glee, I feel terrible for them. I know it's karma, that universal energy that gives you in return what you had sent out. I know that it should come as no surprise, but I still feel terrible that it has happened. I just hope and pray that this person will heal and better than judge others for how they do things look at themself first before things go wrong again.Wednesday, August 27, 2008
I feel like utter shit today.
I could not sleep at all last night. I didn't finally fall asleep until 4 or 5 this morning and even after I had finally fallen asleep, Iris threw a hissy fit because she wanted to sleep in bed with me and not in her crib for a half hour sometime after 6. J had to wake our asses up at 15 passed 9. I haven't slept in that late in the last for a couple of weeks now.
I've been working with Lily on her schooling. I have an old preschool workbook that I got at a garage sale shortly after she was born and have been photocopying the pages for her to write on. So far, she's been writing the numbers 1 through 4. And she can spell and write her first name. I even bought her a little pad of paper with the dotted lines specifically meant for learning to write. She's doing really well and I'm very proud of her. I tell her every day what a good and smart girl she is.
I somehow lost 10 to 15 pounds without noticing. In the beginning of spring I was a size 12 in dresses. When I was terribly sick this summer, I went down to an 8. I am currently a 6 and have no idea how I got there. I'm somewhere between 115 and 120, which feels weird to me. I haven't been less than 120 without being horribly ill since before I got married. Oh well, at least I'm eating well and keeping active.
I think I'm catching a cold.
Did I mention I feel like utter shit?
I could not sleep at all last night. I didn't finally fall asleep until 4 or 5 this morning and even after I had finally fallen asleep, Iris threw a hissy fit because she wanted to sleep in bed with me and not in her crib for a half hour sometime after 6. J had to wake our asses up at 15 passed 9. I haven't slept in that late in the last for a couple of weeks now.
I've been working with Lily on her schooling. I have an old preschool workbook that I got at a garage sale shortly after she was born and have been photocopying the pages for her to write on. So far, she's been writing the numbers 1 through 4. And she can spell and write her first name. I even bought her a little pad of paper with the dotted lines specifically meant for learning to write. She's doing really well and I'm very proud of her. I tell her every day what a good and smart girl she is.
I somehow lost 10 to 15 pounds without noticing. In the beginning of spring I was a size 12 in dresses. When I was terribly sick this summer, I went down to an 8. I am currently a 6 and have no idea how I got there. I'm somewhere between 115 and 120, which feels weird to me. I haven't been less than 120 without being horribly ill since before I got married. Oh well, at least I'm eating well and keeping active.
I think I'm catching a cold.
Did I mention I feel like utter shit?
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Always be true to yourself and take pride in what you are and what you will be.
Never regret anything, or the guilt will consume you.
Always be willing to forgive if not forget.
If it works for you, don't change it just because it's not the norm.
Rock out with you cock out every day of the week.
I love my husband very much. He is awesome; I should listen to him more.
Have you told yourself "I love me" today?
Never regret anything, or the guilt will consume you.
Always be willing to forgive if not forget.
If it works for you, don't change it just because it's not the norm.
Rock out with you cock out every day of the week.
I love my husband very much. He is awesome; I should listen to him more.
Have you told yourself "I love me" today?
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Ugh....
I've started my first menstrual cycle today since concieving and having the baby. The first day of my last cycle was 587 days ago. I am not happy. I'm crampy, sore, tired, bloated, cranky... however, I'm not surprised. I've been breastfeeding Iris less and less since she started eating solids two months ago. Still, I'm not very happy about the fact that my body is back to clearing out the uterus. *sigh* I hate periods.
I spent most of today cleaning up little areas of the house. My house is a total mess and if my mother wants to come up and visit, I need to clean it and soon. She returns from Honduras on Tuesday. So I cleaned up the "dining" room (It's supposed to be the dining room, but right now it has a blue papazan and a bunch of boxes) and the hallway to the living room and the front of the living room up to the computer. The entire room wasn't cleaned only because both of my cats kept attacking the broom or laying in the piles of random things for attention, or my children kept going through the mess. Thankfully I got most of it done. So tonight, after the girls are in bed, I'll be cleaning the rest of the living room and then tackling the parlor.
I don't really have much to update on. I've been cleaning little by little so that I don't drive myself nuts, but at the same time not have my house as a pig stye like it normally is. I've been reorganizing the crafting room and have moved my altar and all of my spiritual items in there as well. I didn't have a problem with it being in my husband's closet up in our bedroom, but Lily loved to go in there just to mess with my things. Too many sharp and breakable/valuable objects for her to be messing with, so it had to be moved into an area that she didnt have easy access to.
My allergies are wreaking havoc to my body. Mainly it's because I'm allergic to two of the three pets I have (cats). I love Jules and Gibbs but if I don't sanitize my hands immediately after handling them, terrible things happen to my face. ;) Also, messing with this dusty, nasty house, isn't all that great for my sinuses either.
Ever since putting Ubuntu on my iBook, I have been using this thing constantly. I love working with it. I don't do much online, but I love playing the games and with Gimp (which is a lot like Photoshop). Much fun is being had with this OS.
Did I mention that I am not happy with my body?
I've started my first menstrual cycle today since concieving and having the baby. The first day of my last cycle was 587 days ago. I am not happy. I'm crampy, sore, tired, bloated, cranky... however, I'm not surprised. I've been breastfeeding Iris less and less since she started eating solids two months ago. Still, I'm not very happy about the fact that my body is back to clearing out the uterus. *sigh* I hate periods.
I spent most of today cleaning up little areas of the house. My house is a total mess and if my mother wants to come up and visit, I need to clean it and soon. She returns from Honduras on Tuesday. So I cleaned up the "dining" room (It's supposed to be the dining room, but right now it has a blue papazan and a bunch of boxes) and the hallway to the living room and the front of the living room up to the computer. The entire room wasn't cleaned only because both of my cats kept attacking the broom or laying in the piles of random things for attention, or my children kept going through the mess. Thankfully I got most of it done. So tonight, after the girls are in bed, I'll be cleaning the rest of the living room and then tackling the parlor.
I don't really have much to update on. I've been cleaning little by little so that I don't drive myself nuts, but at the same time not have my house as a pig stye like it normally is. I've been reorganizing the crafting room and have moved my altar and all of my spiritual items in there as well. I didn't have a problem with it being in my husband's closet up in our bedroom, but Lily loved to go in there just to mess with my things. Too many sharp and breakable/valuable objects for her to be messing with, so it had to be moved into an area that she didnt have easy access to.
My allergies are wreaking havoc to my body. Mainly it's because I'm allergic to two of the three pets I have (cats). I love Jules and Gibbs but if I don't sanitize my hands immediately after handling them, terrible things happen to my face. ;) Also, messing with this dusty, nasty house, isn't all that great for my sinuses either.
Ever since putting Ubuntu on my iBook, I have been using this thing constantly. I love working with it. I don't do much online, but I love playing the games and with Gimp (which is a lot like Photoshop). Much fun is being had with this OS.
Did I mention that I am not happy with my body?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I have been asking myself lately 'what is my calling out in the world?' Somewhere along the lines of when my mother asks "What does God want of me?" And I can't seem to answer this question at all.
Since as far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a teacher. College-graduate and certified. I had gotten a music scholarship and was going to be a music teacher but turned away from that because I was unhappy with my life and easily unsatisfied. I grew bored with music education. Don't get me wrong, I love it very much, I've been a vocalist since I was two, but it just wasn't something I wanted to do every day for the rest of my life. So I quit, got married, and had my daughters instead.
I've tried going back to school with no success. I tried out web development since I already know html coding, a bit of java and love to play and create graphics. Didn't work out; I again was bored out of my mind. So a day or two ago I think that maybe just an elementary teacher could do. Then my husband reminded me that I would be stuck with that job every day for the rest of my career and that was it. You can't get a promotion or anything, you stay the same thing. It's crap pay, and most children and their parents don't respect you, etc. So much for that idea. My husband asked me "why do you keep wanting to find something to get away from your children?" And it's not like that at all. (Okay, maybe a little, but not all of it)
I love my babies. They are my world. But I sometimes feel like something is missing. I feel out of balance. My marriage is great. My husband, though an atheist, respects me emotionally, physically, sexually, and every other way imaginable. My children are wonderful. Though they are spoiled and bratty, they are two of the most well-mannered, considerate, intelligent, and well-behaved children I know. They just know they have Mommy wrapped around their little fingers so they milk it for all its worth. ;) I have three great pets. Missy (dog) is a great companion, though a bit of a spaz sometimes. She's so loving and playful. Though I sometimes neglect her because I can't really play with her. We have no fence and she likes to run off when excited, and her barks and growls, though playful, scare Iris. Gibbs and Jules (cats) are crazy, but I love them and they love me. Thankfully, they are no longer spraying my house. I live in a lovely Victorian-era home. I have plenty of food and clothing. And a functioning semi-new car. Finances are tight sometimes, but we do well. We do a lot better than most of the people of my generation. (My husband is 25, I am 22) I am missing nothing and need nothing.
However, spiritually, I feel like I could and should be doing more. I know I don't have to. I take care of the pets, the kids (and very rarely [almost non-existant] the house). My husband works his butt off at work and then comes home, does laundry, and cooks the food. (I can't cook to save my life, I've tried) So I know we have our hands full but I feel like I need to be doing something extra. So I'm on a vision quest.
I've analyzed my skills---jack of all trades, master of none. I've been teaching Runes and Wicca 101, but it's all been online because the people who take/took them all live far away. I would love to hold something here at home like that, but I don't know anyone nearby. And everything else, I'm mediocre at best.
I have my minister's license (and am currently working for chaplain) but I have no real use for it. The only reason I am taking the classes is because it kills time when I don't have anything left to do at the end of the day and the girls are asleep. Along with the outreach mission, my mom wants me to be a part of her ministry and start a branch of her church here. I obviously turned it down. (I don't remember if I've said this or not but she has conveniently forgotten I am Pagan, and I really don't feel like reminding her.) Though, like I mentioned in my previous entry, the idea of a ministry is tempting.
Last Wednesday I went to the Pagan House Church in Omaha with my healing circle for our ritual. It's part of a house that was turned into a community (several people live there) as well as a sacred place. I couldn't help but wonder and imagine how awesome that would be to have a Pagan church nearby, or even a fellowship place where Pagans could come to commune together. I always think of it when I pass by the For Sale sign in front of the old Community of Christ Church building. But like I said in my previous entry, even if that was what I was meant to do, I have no idea how to go about it.
*sigh* I am tired and confused and everything in between. It's been a long school day (I homeschool my 2 year-old) and I need a nap.
Since as far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a teacher. College-graduate and certified. I had gotten a music scholarship and was going to be a music teacher but turned away from that because I was unhappy with my life and easily unsatisfied. I grew bored with music education. Don't get me wrong, I love it very much, I've been a vocalist since I was two, but it just wasn't something I wanted to do every day for the rest of my life. So I quit, got married, and had my daughters instead.
I've tried going back to school with no success. I tried out web development since I already know html coding, a bit of java and love to play and create graphics. Didn't work out; I again was bored out of my mind. So a day or two ago I think that maybe just an elementary teacher could do. Then my husband reminded me that I would be stuck with that job every day for the rest of my career and that was it. You can't get a promotion or anything, you stay the same thing. It's crap pay, and most children and their parents don't respect you, etc. So much for that idea. My husband asked me "why do you keep wanting to find something to get away from your children?" And it's not like that at all. (Okay, maybe a little, but not all of it)
I love my babies. They are my world. But I sometimes feel like something is missing. I feel out of balance. My marriage is great. My husband, though an atheist, respects me emotionally, physically, sexually, and every other way imaginable. My children are wonderful. Though they are spoiled and bratty, they are two of the most well-mannered, considerate, intelligent, and well-behaved children I know. They just know they have Mommy wrapped around their little fingers so they milk it for all its worth. ;) I have three great pets. Missy (dog) is a great companion, though a bit of a spaz sometimes. She's so loving and playful. Though I sometimes neglect her because I can't really play with her. We have no fence and she likes to run off when excited, and her barks and growls, though playful, scare Iris. Gibbs and Jules (cats) are crazy, but I love them and they love me. Thankfully, they are no longer spraying my house. I live in a lovely Victorian-era home. I have plenty of food and clothing. And a functioning semi-new car. Finances are tight sometimes, but we do well. We do a lot better than most of the people of my generation. (My husband is 25, I am 22) I am missing nothing and need nothing.
However, spiritually, I feel like I could and should be doing more. I know I don't have to. I take care of the pets, the kids (and very rarely [almost non-existant] the house). My husband works his butt off at work and then comes home, does laundry, and cooks the food. (I can't cook to save my life, I've tried) So I know we have our hands full but I feel like I need to be doing something extra. So I'm on a vision quest.
I've analyzed my skills---jack of all trades, master of none. I've been teaching Runes and Wicca 101, but it's all been online because the people who take/took them all live far away. I would love to hold something here at home like that, but I don't know anyone nearby. And everything else, I'm mediocre at best.
I have my minister's license (and am currently working for chaplain) but I have no real use for it. The only reason I am taking the classes is because it kills time when I don't have anything left to do at the end of the day and the girls are asleep. Along with the outreach mission, my mom wants me to be a part of her ministry and start a branch of her church here. I obviously turned it down. (I don't remember if I've said this or not but she has conveniently forgotten I am Pagan, and I really don't feel like reminding her.) Though, like I mentioned in my previous entry, the idea of a ministry is tempting.
Last Wednesday I went to the Pagan House Church in Omaha with my healing circle for our ritual. It's part of a house that was turned into a community (several people live there) as well as a sacred place. I couldn't help but wonder and imagine how awesome that would be to have a Pagan church nearby, or even a fellowship place where Pagans could come to commune together. I always think of it when I pass by the For Sale sign in front of the old Community of Christ Church building. But like I said in my previous entry, even if that was what I was meant to do, I have no idea how to go about it.
*sigh* I am tired and confused and everything in between. It's been a long school day (I homeschool my 2 year-old) and I need a nap.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I've fully potty-trained my oldest, which is nice. I didn't really do anything. One day she just fought with me because she didn't want to wear her diaper so I gave in and let her wear her panties. She went to the bathroom on her own and that was the end of that. It's nice only having to get diapers for one child instead of two. There's a bit of money saved.
I successfully quit smoking. It's been a month and a half so far and I'm very proud of myself. Now the only thing that needs working on is my food intake. I have the bad habit of eating when I'm bored and not drinking enough water. I've been diluting my juice with water (2 parts water, 1 part juice) to help me with that but I still eat way too much. I still breastfeed, which burns off calories, and I've been excersicing by walking and jogging for at least a half hour every day.
My parents want to come visit. I haven't seen my father since I was 15 and he's never met the girls so he is hoping that he can come up some weekend, some time soon, to have the girls meet their Abuelo. My mom leaves for Honduras on a ministry mission on Tuesday for a week and when she returns she hopes to come up here for a little R&R. I don't know what kind of rest and relaxation she's hoping for--I'm not sure she remembers just how crazy the girls are.
On the subject of my mom, I spoke to her last night to see how she has been doing (she's been sick) and when she leaves for her trip. She kept asking me about the churches here and if there is anything that the community does that helps those in need. I told her I don't really leave the house and don't really know. The only thing I know is that there is a food bank, and that's about it. (Which is true to some extent; I'm Pagan so I have no idea what the churches here do.) So she asked me what I thought of helping her expand the ministry and her mission to help others by being the head coordinator for it here in my county. I didn't really know what to say to her. I've always loved helping others and the community (I did it a lot with my mother when I lived with her) so I didn't want to say no. I think it's a great idea. BUT I don't have the heart to remind her that I am not Christian. I don't mind starting something like this or being affiliated with her church, but I know that she would definitely not like the fact that a bunch of Pagans are affiliated with her church.
I was talking about this with my healing circle yesterday after our healing ritual. I would love to start a Pagan ministry, but have no idea on how to go about it. It's difficult because of the fact that not all Pagans are on the same paths, similar, but not the same. The only way that there is a group of people that practice the same exact thing on the same level are those who are in a coven and practice with those members in a coven. An open circle is a group of mostly solitaries who follow their own paths and have their own personal teachings. I understand that yes, this is possible and could work; look at the Unitarians/Universalists, but I don't want to water down the religion or make it stale. I have a very strong passion for my religious beliefs. I have an urge to teach others. And I have an itch to start a ministry, but it's very frustrating when the only person who can give you ideas is your mom and she doesn't approve of your religious beliefs.
I don't really know what to do or say. Mother will be here sometime in September/October and I know she's going to want to begin a mission here. Like I said, I think this a great idea, but I don't want to be affiliated with a church that I don't follow it's religious teachings. I just don't have the heart to remind her that I am Wiccan. I don't hide it, but it's not obvious either.
I successfully quit smoking. It's been a month and a half so far and I'm very proud of myself. Now the only thing that needs working on is my food intake. I have the bad habit of eating when I'm bored and not drinking enough water. I've been diluting my juice with water (2 parts water, 1 part juice) to help me with that but I still eat way too much. I still breastfeed, which burns off calories, and I've been excersicing by walking and jogging for at least a half hour every day.
My parents want to come visit. I haven't seen my father since I was 15 and he's never met the girls so he is hoping that he can come up some weekend, some time soon, to have the girls meet their Abuelo. My mom leaves for Honduras on a ministry mission on Tuesday for a week and when she returns she hopes to come up here for a little R&R. I don't know what kind of rest and relaxation she's hoping for--I'm not sure she remembers just how crazy the girls are.
On the subject of my mom, I spoke to her last night to see how she has been doing (she's been sick) and when she leaves for her trip. She kept asking me about the churches here and if there is anything that the community does that helps those in need. I told her I don't really leave the house and don't really know. The only thing I know is that there is a food bank, and that's about it. (Which is true to some extent; I'm Pagan so I have no idea what the churches here do.) So she asked me what I thought of helping her expand the ministry and her mission to help others by being the head coordinator for it here in my county. I didn't really know what to say to her. I've always loved helping others and the community (I did it a lot with my mother when I lived with her) so I didn't want to say no. I think it's a great idea. BUT I don't have the heart to remind her that I am not Christian. I don't mind starting something like this or being affiliated with her church, but I know that she would definitely not like the fact that a bunch of Pagans are affiliated with her church.
I was talking about this with my healing circle yesterday after our healing ritual. I would love to start a Pagan ministry, but have no idea on how to go about it. It's difficult because of the fact that not all Pagans are on the same paths, similar, but not the same. The only way that there is a group of people that practice the same exact thing on the same level are those who are in a coven and practice with those members in a coven. An open circle is a group of mostly solitaries who follow their own paths and have their own personal teachings. I understand that yes, this is possible and could work; look at the Unitarians/Universalists, but I don't want to water down the religion or make it stale. I have a very strong passion for my religious beliefs. I have an urge to teach others. And I have an itch to start a ministry, but it's very frustrating when the only person who can give you ideas is your mom and she doesn't approve of your religious beliefs.
I don't really know what to do or say. Mother will be here sometime in September/October and I know she's going to want to begin a mission here. Like I said, I think this a great idea, but I don't want to be affiliated with a church that I don't follow it's religious teachings. I just don't have the heart to remind her that I am Wiccan. I don't hide it, but it's not obvious either.
Monday, August 04, 2008
Finally switched the OS on my OLD Mac laptop.
J bought me an iBook G3, Blueberry. The Mac OS X that was on it was the first one (10.0), from like 2004. That thing was aboust as compatible with anything as the likelyhood of Justin Timberlake hooking back up with Britney Spears. So, I needed an upgrade on OS and I was not going to spend an arm, a leg, and probably a kidney for a new Mac OS on this thing. Plus, the highest it could possibly take with its RAM would be Panther (10.3) and trying to find a reliable seller of that...yeah.
So I finally got it running on Ubuntu which is a Linux OS. It's actually pretty cool and I like the fact that I can use my laptop for more than just writing a simple text e-mail or a text document. I like the fact that my internet doesn't crap out whenever I try to log into LiveJournal, and I like the fact that I can update and install software without fearing that the damn thing is going to explode.
Anyway, yay. :)
J bought me an iBook G3, Blueberry. The Mac OS X that was on it was the first one (10.0), from like 2004. That thing was aboust as compatible with anything as the likelyhood of Justin Timberlake hooking back up with Britney Spears. So, I needed an upgrade on OS and I was not going to spend an arm, a leg, and probably a kidney for a new Mac OS on this thing. Plus, the highest it could possibly take with its RAM would be Panther (10.3) and trying to find a reliable seller of that...yeah.
So I finally got it running on Ubuntu which is a Linux OS. It's actually pretty cool and I like the fact that I can use my laptop for more than just writing a simple text e-mail or a text document. I like the fact that my internet doesn't crap out whenever I try to log into LiveJournal, and I like the fact that I can update and install software without fearing that the damn thing is going to explode.
Anyway, yay. :)
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