NaNoWriMo 2013 Character and Story Notes

Main Characters:

• Kaya Miller neé Blackthorne: 5’1 (15 dm), petite build. long (almost to knees) curly black hair, brown eyes with dark green flecks. 31yo. nahualli/witch. Family dies in apocalyptic meteor crash. brown skin, button nose, full lips. Exceptional bow hunter. She's very arts & crafts-y, which is why she's survived so long. She knows how to knit, crochet, sew, spin, and basic carpenter skills, along with her hunting skills. She was already a skilled archer before the death of her family, learning with her father when she was a teen. She was very bubbly and outgoing, but due to her family's deaths, she's become very serious and very reserved. 
• Michael Summerer, 6’4, (20 dm) slender build, shaggy light brown hair, hazel eyes, dimpled cheeks and chin. 33yo. hunter. Family hunts superhumans (Chāozìrán) for profit. Usually carries a small dart gun in a shoulder holster. Somewhat nerdy and more compassionate than his brother. Parents were killed by vampires/zombies shortly after catastrophe. In an attempt to avenge their parents, the boys became hunters. Have no idea that Chaoziran are technically science experiments and work the Capital's disease control center
• Karl Summerer, 6’1, (18 dm) brawny build, dark brown hair, green eyes, 35yo, hunter. Brother to Michael. Usually carries a pocket knife and a set of lockpicks. Is usually self-absorbed and rather a jerk. He's focused mostly on the money.

The characters' personalities are developing slowly. Oh so slowly.

Setting:
Post-apocalyptic era.
Planet: Yeni Dunya. The planet revolves around a young sun and has two moons, one red and one yellow. The year consists of 10 months, the day, of 22 hours. The climate is similar to Earth's with four general seasons: pavasaris (spring), vasar (summer), rudens (autumn), zìema (winter)
Flora and Fauna: Closely resembles that of Earth's. NOTE: I've been researching woodland animals, basic animals someone may hunt if living out in the wilderness, specifically  wooded area, and using some form of their scientific classification and names as the new animal names. For example, if Kaya was out hunting and she came across an animal that resembled an opossum, the animal is named "delphi", out of the opossum's scientific name of Didelphimorphia.
Months:

1. Unumber
2. Secundilis
3. Tertilis
4. Quartilis
5. Quintilis
6. Sextilis
7. September
8. October
9. November
10. December

City: Summer Tree. State: Saxet. Area similar to United States called Haven in the continent of Ironside. Year is 3017 CE or 5 ACE
Planet was colonized by Earthlings thousands of years ago. There are five continents: Ironside, Stoneside, Bronzeside, Copperside, Steelside

Background: In the 2060s scientists developed vaccines in an attempt to prolong life. Recipients were adults between 20 to 40 years of age. Most recipients died 5 years after vaccination due to complications. The rest found the vaccination ineffective and died regular deaths from natural causes. In 2086, a second attempt was made with a new type of vaccine. Test subjects were fetus, infants and toddlers, ranging from ages embryo to 5 years. This was the only attempt with this vaccine. No complications were reported. The year is 3012 CE when all hell comes down on Yeni Dunya. 5 asteroids (about 600m in diameter each) plummet into the planet’s surface destroying multiple cities and killing billions. (Population in 3010, approx. 8 billion.) Kaya’s city suffers from impact; her family, husband and 4 children, is killed. Due to radiation caused by asteroids, the children from 2nd vaccine develop DNA-altering side effects, with the exception of skin-walkers and those with zoanthropy/therianthropy who’ve had DNA microinjected. The Chaoziran:

• Vampirism- photosensitivity, porphyria, polydontia
  • Zombism- a mutation of vampirism, causing mental deterioration.
  • Vampires and zombies are classified under “dhampirs”
• Witchism- being able to see and feel “energy” or vibrations and bending it to one’s will. Can include psychokinesis.
  • Witches are classified under “nahuallis” and are the rarest form of Chaoziran.
• Skin-Walkers- microinjection to embryos with DNA from sponges and starfish. Have the ability to detach skin and tissue and generate new skin and tissue. Does not work on bones.
  • Classified as “regenerates” as they regenerate human tissue.
• Therianthropy/Zoanthropy- (includes but not limited to lycanthropy, galeanthropy, kynanthropy, and ailuranthropy)
  • microinjection to embryos with DNA of a specific animal, such as wolves, cats of various species, and dogs, causing heightened senses, flexibility and mobility.
  • Symptoms are in a constant state of flux with a peak every 29.5 days corresponding with lunar cycles. Does not affect bones.
  • wolf/wolves, lýkos/lýkoi; dog/dogs, kyōn/kynesi; cat/cats, galí̱/galeni; wildcat/wildcats, aílouros/aílouroi

Working Title: Hunted (seriously need to pick a better title, have gotten suggestions but working on it later)

Proper synopsis:

The year is 3017, the planet is Yeni Dunya. Five years have passed since the "end of the world" when 5 large asteroids hit the planet killing billions. Now two types of people remain. The humans, descendants of the Earth people who colonized the planet, and the Chaoziran, supernatural humans whose DNA has been altered by science experiments and the radiation from the meteorites. The scientists want their experiments back and they have contracted bounty hunters to do the job for them.

Kaya Blackthorne is a Chaoziran, a witch-type known as a nahualli. Five years ago, she lost her entire family to the asteroid crash and now lives alone just trying to survive each day. She wanders in the cover of darkness in hopes that no one notices her growing abilities.

Karl and Michael Summerer are bounty hunters and brothers. Their sole purpose in life is to find rogue Chaoziran and return them to the Disease Control Center at their nation's Capitol, for profit, of course. Together, they round up the unwanted and pull a pretty penny for it.

On their mission to obtain Kaya, Karl and Mike realize that maybe their job description isn't so black and white. Will they bring the feisty nahualli to the Capitol in one piece, or will she teach them a lesson of acceptance and rebellion?

.....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGKGIUGHKJJ,KGKGSEASNVCHJKHSDFCHJK

My Getting-Ready-for-a-Date Process

1. Jump in shower and scrub head to foot like scraping off layers of dirt even though took a shower the day before.
2. Brush teeth in middle of conditioning hair.
3. Shave like about to be a pin-up for Hustler magazine.
4. Get out of shower and lotion every inch of body, including face.
5. Attack body with deodorant, perfume, and baby powder, because even though so fresh and so clean, stress sweat has already started fucking shit up.
6. Make sure eyebrows are properly plucked; cuss at tweezers.
7. Make sure no facial hair is above upper lip; cuss even louder at tweezers
8. Bend upside-down and blow-dry hair into curly mess.
9. Once dry, separate hair into sections, and straighten the fuck out of it.
10. Put serum in hair so that it doesn't look like just fried the hell out of it.
11. Fight with "sexy" underwear.
12. Fight with pants.
13. Stand in front of mirror with hair tied back in headband and ponytail with no shirt on and dig through entire make-up bag.
14. MAKE-UP TIME: Put on foundation and concealer, fill in eyebrows, put on four different kinds of eyeshadow in special technique, place eyeliner in a way that doesn't make like a racoon, add mascara, put on lip-liner, add two shades of lipstick for a specific shade, top off with lip gloss, cover everything in powder to keep everything in place.
15. Find a shirt, blouse, top, SOMETHING! to keep the sweater puppies from not popping out and the muffin top from not showing.
16. Accessorize! (includes shoes)
17. Fuss in front of mirror.
18. Blog in panic. ;)

And they say getting ready is no big deal...... I'm pooped, but really excited. We hashed out most of the details last week, so we'll be going to dinner at Brio's Tuscan Grille and then a movie at the Regal Arbor 8. I want to avoid romantic-themed movies, like Enough Said, Austenland, and Romeo & Juliet, so I'm thinking of sticking to the suspense-thriller We Are What We Are. Not sure. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. I just have to keep reminding myself I got this. I GOT THIS.

National Novel Writing Month 2013!!

It's that time of year again! The time of year where I hole myself up in my room and type until my fingers bleed! NaNoWriMo is fast approaching with its much anticipated arrival in just two days! For those of you who don't know, I will be spending the entire month of November typing away, screaming, and probably crying, while I take another attempt at a novel! I've done this every November for the past 7 years. I've yet to win a single NaNo, but, just like every year before now, I feel like this year can truly be my year!

So when November rolls around and you're wondering why I haven't left my house, answered any of my calls, and cry uncontrollably, DON'T PANIC. I'm not back in a psychiatric facility or having a nervous breakdown, I'm just trying to pull out my inner author and losing my soul in the process. I'll be back to normal as soon as December hits. :)

Tomorrow I will be attending my FIRST EVER Kick-Off Party here in Austin. It starts at 8, so I'll probably still be in costume from being with the kids, but I know of others who said they will be, too. I'm considering taking photos, but I don't know just yet. There will be a guest speaker, food, and plenty of coffee, tea, and caffeinated beverages to keep us up and running from midnight until 2am. If I do take pictures, I will definitely be posting them. :)

See you soon and enjoy this joyous season!

Moments Lost, Though Time Remains

I had a great weekend with the children. Iris was grounded due to behavior, so I only had Lily, Rose, and Dorian, but we enjoyed ourselves.

On Saturday, after a long day of chores and playing with the kids, I had made plans with two of my old guy friends from high school whom I haven't seen in years. We were supposed to just hang out and chat for a bit, catch up. Well, I was stood up. TWICE. Both of them never showed. Jon was supposed to be there at around 9pm, but he was trying to get his kids to sleep. I kept communication open, but at about 1030 he stopped answering. I waited until 11 before giving up. Matt was supposed to show at midnight, but was held up fixing a friend's car. At 130 he messages me letting me know he's heading out soon, when a giant storm hits at around 145. I was like, "OK, shit happens. Jon probably fell asleep with his kids, and the storm hit too hard for Matt to leave his place." But then neither of them said anything on Sunday. Correction, Jon did confirm he fell asleep and apologized, but that was it. Nothing. Not a word.

It frustrated me to no end. When you tell me we're going to meet up at a certain time, and then don't show and have me wait TWO HOURS, it makes me not want to make any plans with you ever again. Unless you're mom is dying, try and communicate with me the next day, too. I was so mad. I'm over it, though.

My date's on Wednesday and I already have my outfit set out and how I want my hair and make-up to look. I'm obsessing, I know, but my life isn't too exciting these days.

Are We Dreaming There Are Better Days to Come?

I can already tell it's going to be "one of those days."
I have yet to fall asleep. I've been awake since yesterday and my everything hurts. I still have some sort of cold and keep hacking and coughing so much I have a headache.
The cheap cigarettes I bought taste awful. I've bought cheap cigarettes before, but none that have tasted so much like butt.
I had to go over to J's apartment this morning because he locked himself out of his place. Then I had to take the girls' homework folders to the school because J had forgotten to put them in their backpacks.
I've been on the phone all morning with people trying to clear a few things up with welfare.
I just want to sleep. This awake-every-other-day thing is bullshit.

If You Close Your Eyes, Does It Almost Feel Like You've Been Here Before?

I have a date next Wednesday. Yes, an actual date with an actual human being. I'm kind of freaking out about it. Actually, I'm a whole lot freaking out about it, but I'm keeping the panic reigned in.

I got into contact with my old friend Mike about a year or two ago on Facebook. I deleted my account about a month ago, so we've kept in touch through text messages. I've known Mike since we were freshman at Harker Heights high school and were in the same JROTC class and both in the PT/OT team. After I moved and transferred to Shoemaker, I saw him once in a blue moon. We'd bump into each other during JROTC meets until I dropped out my sophomore year, and then at random school events until about the end of junior year or so. Technically, I haven't physically seen him for a little over 10 years now. We both went our separate ways; he joined the Marines and retired about 4 years ago, and of course I got married and had ten million babies.

I'm trying to remember not to panic. Physically, the only thing that has changed on Mike is that he got buff since joining the Marines. He now works in construction so he's still in shape. I, however, did not stay in shape after my breakdown. Sure, I'm no longer 185lbs like I was two months ago, but I'm still 169, which is still much larger than I should be. The last time he saw me, I still had a waif-like appearance. I, personally, hate my new zaftig figure; he doesn't seem to care and sounds amused about the extra padding.

Come next week, I'm sure I'll lose my shit. I'll be fussing about my hair, trying to get it straight in a way that doesn't look like I fried it to death, picking out an outfit that is flattering and doesn't make me look like a busted can of biscuit dough, and making sure that my make-up is nice, but still looks natural. I don't want to end up looking like a panda by the end of the night. Which reminds me, I should not wear only black and white when out and about. The last thing my self-esteem needs is some kid pointing out the small panda having dinner with the nice man.

OK. I'm almost at full panic now and the event is still a week away. Seriously, Vonnie, calm your panties. *facepalm* I was with J for 11 years. I have no idea what I'm doing.

NaNo and Other Things

I'm hashing out ideas for my nano. I know what I want in the story, but I'm having trouble figuring out the plot line.

The story is that it's the end of the world, and micro-injections was performed on a specific age group. These injections have caused DNA modifications and have caused people to turn into zombies, vampires, therians, and witches. However, these science experiments were toddlers at the time and are now adults with powers they have no idea how they arrived. The scientists want their experiments back, so they've contracted bounty hunters to retrieve them. My main characters are two bounty hunters and a witch. The hunters are obviously after the witch, but she has other plans. They end up becoming friends after she explains to them what is really going on. She even falls in love with one of the hunters. The problem I'm coming to is, where does it go from here? What do they do? Do they end up hunting together to find the experiments that have gone bat-shit and are killing innocents? Do they try and take down the government in an attempt to put an end on the experiments? I DON'T KNOW. Thank goodness NaNoWriMo doesn't start for another couple of weeks.

Iris's birthday is coming up. Dorian had his 18 month check up last week. He isn't speaking at the proper level, only knowing a few words instead of the average 20. He will have to be tested for Autism soon. They thought it was a hearing problem, but I've tested that theory. He can hear just fine, he just has no fucks to give.

I have the kids this weekend and I've been enjoying it with them. :)

Lost

I feel like I'm breaking, like something is missing.
I went from about 7 different medications down to 2. I just have an anti-psychotic and a sleep aid. Without any stress, my symptoms have been easily managed. I'm happy about this but at the same time, worried. I'll always have the fear of relapsing on the back of my mind. I sometimes wish this were an addiction of some sort. That would be easier for me to control. I can't say no or restrain my brain from losing it's shit. How do I do that? I know how to muddle my way through it, but I can't stop the onslaught of hallucinations assaulting all of my senses. The depression I can deal with; everything else is just terrifying.
I feel like a puzzle my kids got a hold of. All the pieces are scattered on the floor, and a few have gone missing.

Someone Hold Me to Sleep

I'm lonely. I hate sleeping in this bed alone. I'd like a cuddle buddy. I remember laying in bed with an old girlfriend of mine; she was soft and warm, and I haven't felt that in what seems like a long time. Sometimes I wish I was some sort of addict so I could drown my sorrows in something, but I don't like booze, and hate drugs. The other times I dream of overdosing.

Get your shit together, Vonnie.

One Day or Another

These past few months have been pretty hectic. There have been many life changes since the last time I posted.

1. In April I was hospitalized for the third time in a year, this time for 2 weeks, where I was put on stronger medication.

2. From the middle of April through the end of June I attended an outpatient program. It left me with a sense of clarity I hadn't had in a long time.

3. CPS had me move out of my apartment by July 1. I had a case that had started back in November and was closed in June. They found me unsafe without supervision so I was no longer allowed overnight stays. I stayed with my mom and sister for a little while until I found a roommate in Austin 10 minutes away from J and the kids. Thank you craigslist.

4. I've changed my medication twice since April. Nothing is working as it should, it has made me gain so much weight I got up to 185 lbs, and I've been so frustrated with it that I haven't taken anything in a month. My symptoms have been relatively mild, thanks to the minimal stress I've had, but this isn't going to last for very long. I meet with my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks to change my medication again.

5. On July 30, J and I divorced. With my mental health and the CPS case, we thought it best to split. We are still on good terms, though I still think he has a serious superiority complex.

6. My weekends are full. I have custody of the kids from Friday night until Sunday night.

7. I'm finally getting out of the fort I built to protect myself and making friends (ones that aren't imaginary). I joined a few groups on Meetup and have made a couple of friends. I have monthly meetings with the Yew Grove UU Pagans and the North Austin Pagans. I meet with knitters and crocheters every Tuesday and Friday.

8. My whole world has been upside-down since summer of 2011. I think it's finally beginning to turn upright again. I worry every day I'm going to fall apart again.

31 Day Organizing Challenge, The End is Nigh

At the beginning of the month I mentioned this:

Now, I thought I had completely lost it for about 20 minutes before I realized I was wasting time wondering if I'd lost it. 

Quick back-story: Back in August we moved into our (much smaller than what we had) apartment. Along with a big move, we also had to downsize to fit in this new place. Needless to say it's been a total nightmare. In October, we took EVERYTHING from our storage unit out and shoved it into our living room. Our "living space" was then dubbed the "Storage" because it was filled, floor to ceiling, with boxes upon boxes of our stuff.

As the months progressed, the husband and I purged like crazy getting rid of furniture we had no room for, toys the kids hadn't played with in over a year, clothes, nick-knacks, you name it! If I had it, I probably donated it to the Salvation Army. At one point I was in tears from all the stress.

In February we had a residual mess of unpacked boxes and such. You couldn't actually see any of the sitting area, and there was only a small trail from the front door to the stairs that everyone had to shimmy through. If anyone tried to stop and visit, we had an uncomfortable game of musical chairs and someone had to stay standing. So when March rolled around and I still had too much sh--junk in the living room, I said enough is enough.

For judging purposes, the following questions will be posted and answered to.

1. What space did you decide to organize and why?My living room, because it was a gigantic hot mess and I wanted a place to relax!

2. What steps did you take to ensure you completed the space within the 31 day timeline?One day at a time, one box at a time. I didn't throw everything into a gigantic pile. I started with small things, sorted, purged, and then moved on to the next small pile.

3. What was the hardest part of the challenge for you and how did you overcome it?The hardest thing that I came across was getting rid of things I was fond of or had kept because it was a memento of a special time in my life. I overcame this obstacle by taking a picture of it to print and put in an album. Even if I no longer had it in my hand, I could still show that I had it once upon a time and remember why I had kept it for so long.

4. What did you do with the “stuff” you were able to purge out of your newly organized space?If the stuff was in bad shape, it was thrown in the dumpster. Piles upon piles of papers and such were sent to recycle. Everything else, like all the old baby things, and clothes, etc, were boxed up and picked up by or dropped off at The Salvation Army.

5. Tell me one of your proudest moments during this challenge?
I'm a half-asser. I couldn't tell you the last time I started something and actually finished it. The fact that I was able to flail about for an entire month and actually accomplish something...AWESOME.

6. Explain any organizing “tools” you used to help you create additional space and to establish some limits and boundaries?
I can't think of any....

7. What is ONE piece of organizing advice you’ve learned on this journey that you could encourage someone else with?
Everything is a PROCESS. A little at a time can really make a hug difference.

And now, the pictures!

Here is my living room before:

before: view from front door

before: view from kitchen

before: view from front door

before: view from stairs

before: view from stairs

See all those lovely boxes and whatnot? Oh the joys of moving! *snort**choke**gag* I had to take several pictures just so you could so all of the mess in such a tiny space!

With extra help from the husband, here is my living room now:

after: view from front door

after: view from kitchen

after: view from stairs

Now in the middle picture, the view from the kitchen, you'll notice that the chaise has a few little bins on it. Those will be going upstairs, as they are office supplies and don't belong here. As for the boxes surrounding the chaise, those are "keep" piles that need to be reevaluated. During the initial purge, these things were kept. Now we have to go through them again, and purge some more. There's even a box by the couch that is for donation to the Salvation Army that I accidentally left behind today.

We're not done with the space, but this challenge has given me the tools I needed to really make a big dent in organizing my new home. As for the bookshelves, that was my husband's idea. We had originally meant for our spare room to be a library with the "office" downstairs, but it seemed convoluted, inconvenient, and cramped. The large furniture would not have fit well. While I was away with the children for spring break, my husband took it upon himself to switch the two around. Now our classroom and office supplies and furniture are upstairs, where they can fit more comfortably, and our library downstairs, where we can entertain both our mind and our senses. So a round of applause to J, with whom this would not have been made possible. (I don't have that kind of upper body strength!)

I want to give a shout out and a big thank you to Laura at Orgjunkie.com for coming up with this challenge. While I have participated in her challenges over the past three years, I've never truly used the tools and advice she provides like I did this time around. I also want to congratulate all the others who did this challenge. We could do it, and we did! Also, we're awesome! ;)

Org Junkie’s 31 Day Organizational Challenge

So, back in August, the family and I moved to Austin into a 3-bedroom apartment. In October, we got EVERYTHING out of our storage unit and packed into the living room. Now this wouldn't have been such a big deal if we hadn't moved from a 2-story, 4-bedroom Victorian house into this tiny apartment. Even though we had gotten rid of, thrown away, and donated a MULTITUDE of things, stuff, and junk, we still had too much. The living room was packed, floor to ceiling, with nothing but boxes. Come March, and my living room only remotely resembles a space to relax and watch a movie.

Five months is a ridiculously long time to organize a space, but this mess is just as ridiculous. On top of that, I spent a total of two months taking care of sick children thanks to a just-as-ridiculous cold that was making its rounds throughout the entire CenTex area. This living room is stressing me out! I don't even want to look at it! I am determined, however, to get this room organized! This is the reason why I have joined up with a bunch of other clutter-whelmed people for OrgJunkie's Organizing Challenge. By the end of this month, I hope to have cleaned up the entire living room and made it a gathering place for the family, a place to relax, a place to have fun and entertain.

Here is what my living room looks like now:

See why this is terrifying? Don't worry, though. I got this! ... I think. :-/

End of 2012

As the last day of the 2012 year, I am left reflection upon the last 365 days, today being the 366th. There has been a lot of pain, frustration, and confusion this past year, and I'm hoping to not have this much on my shoulders this upcoming year. I look through old entries in my journals, old and new, dusty hardbacks, paperbacks, and those typed up on the computer, and find myself seeing so many failures and disappointments. I feel like I have written books full of all of my mistakes and haven't truly learned from them. This coming year, I hope to change all that. I hope to be able to do what I want and need to do to be a better person.

I'm not setting goals this coming year, other than getting the damn apartment unpacked. I don't want a list of things I want to do, just to look back at it later and feel the disappointment of failing at life. I will be making life changes, though, and I don't really see them as goals.

1. I will stop complaining, because harping on bad things all the time will not help on focusing on the good bits.
2. I will stop avoiding my problems. Ignoring them doesn't mean they are not there. I need to grow a vagina and face it. Vaginae, the proper plural for vagina, take a lot, stretch out to deal with it, and then get back in shape to where they were as if nothing happened. Vaginae are resilient.
3. I will stop comparing myself to others. I am no better than anyone else, and no one else is better than me. We are all equal, just in different areas of life. Coveting the lifestyle of someone else isn't helping any, I need to get it done myself and stop wishing.
4. I will stop worrying about things that haven't happened yet, that's just going to stress me out. I need to live life one day at a time, and deal with the issues at hand which are more important.
5. I will not let my problems overwhelm me. I will deal with what I can handle, if it it proves too much, I will ask for help, even if it embarrasses the shit out of me to do so.
6. I will do things that I love, and often, like reading and writing, crowding all four children in the bed with me for snuggles, making a pillow fort, or watching a movie with the husband, even if I have to drag him away from his computer.
7. I will not keep relationships that no longer serve me in a positive way. I may love someone, and care for them deeply, but if they are sucking the happiness out of me, constantly bringing drama into my life, I need to cut them out. I have enough problems to deal with than having to deal with the childish behavior of others.
8. I will not try change others. That is something the other person has to be willing to do. I need to work on me first.
9. I will stop try to please others. Not everyone is going to be happy with my life choices. That is their problem and not mine. I need to please myself, and the ones whose life I hold in my hands.
10. And lastly, because I know this will be one of the hardest, I will not emotionally tie myself to goals, people, or things. It will lead to disappointment and lack of lesson learning. This covers much of what I have already outlined and explains the beginning of this entry. Attaching myself emotionally will cause more stress and hinder progress.

I intend to grow this upcoming year. No, I WILL grow.

Still Standing.

I am alive. I'm still here. Just have a lot going on right now.
I have really good days, and really bad ones. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.
Just taking one day at a time.
On day at a time.

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FAT

I am 40lbs overweight.
At 5'1, I am 155 lbs. I'm a thick girl, bottom heavy, and busty, but this is too much weight. When I met my husband I was 95lbs. When we got married I was 110. After birthing 4 of his children, I am not 155 lbs! That is MORE than I was when I was 9 months along with any of the kids! This needs to stop...now!

Starting tomorrow: portion control. I've already been exercising, doing yoga to deal with my stress. J got me p90x and Insanity, so going to be doing those starting tomorrow after chores. This weight NEEDS to come off, like yesterday.

The problem I'm having is that I have been binging like crazy. I binge when stressed. I've been managing well the past couple of week since doing yoga, but I still can't believe how big I've gotten. I may have to do a fast. I'm going to have to ask my mom how she does it, since she fasts all the time without getting sick.

Fingers crossed I get all this crap off my bones!

Let it Rain over Me

This separation from my family is killing me. I hate not being able to be at home. Today will mark one month since CPS opened their case. We have yet to move foward because things didn't get processed the way they should have. Because of someone else's mistake, my family continues to suffer over this. I hate having to sit down with my daughters every time they ask me when I can come home and have to tell them, not yet.

 I applied for SSI. I had my appointment today. Hopefully I get this. I also found an apartment in Austin for a reasonable price that we could move into. I'm hoping that our deed-in-lieu doesn't disqualify us, or the fact that we've only been in these apartments for the past three months. Fingers crossed.

I feel like I'm losing my mind all over again.

Clarity

While things kind of suck right now, since getting my diagnosis, my life makes so much sense now!

You Are Exceptional

Life feels so dreary these days. My little rays of sunshine are away in Austin with their uncle, and as much as I would love to be with them, that privilege has been stripped away from me. This whole CPS case is leaving me feeling more depressed than I was three weeks ago in the psychiatric unit. The kids are taken to their uncle’s at 6 in the morning. While I can go with them, I’ve been staying at my mother’s which is a good 20-minute drive away from my apartment. Even if I stay at my sister’s (who lives, at most, a 10-minute drive away) I don’t have the proper transportation to get me back to my apartment at 5 AM and then back to my sister’s at 10 PM. It’s a waste of resources we just don’t have right now. It makes my heart hurt knowing I can’t be left alone with my children. Yes, I know why this situation has been set in place. I know I wasn’t safe to be around due to the fact that my schizophrenia hit it’s peak, but I’m tired of being treated like a bomb that can blow at any moment. I’m getting tired of having to have someone with me at all times just so I can be with my children. I abhor the fact that I’m in this situation. I’ve taken damn good care of those children, my flesh and blood, for almost seven years now without prior incident. I lose my mind, and seek help, knowing that I could be a danger to my children, and get punished for it! I wish I could go back to the hospital and smack the stupid social worker who started this mess, who has never suffered from a mental illness in her life. If I was truly going to hurt my children, wouldn’t I have done it by now?! The thought of all this gives me headaches. I detest the feeling I get when I wake up in the morning, in my mother’s guest bedroom, surrounded by no one. I don’t wake up to a baby talking and squealing. I don’t get to tell toddlers to stop opening my door. I don’t get woken up by kisses. I’m alone in a king-sized bed with no one to share it with. I’m not allowed overnight stays at my own apartment if my children are there. I’m wondering if I should have stayed at the psychiatric unit. It’s not much different from what I do here. At least there I had people to talk to, activities planned to take up time during the day. At least there I wasn’t so alone. I could legitimately miss my kids and my husband because they were 160 or so miles away. This void feels superficial. My children are in the same town as I am and I can’t even be with them. I’m trying to stay positive. I understand why the social worker called CPS. I understand why CPS is taking the measures it needs to. I understand, but just because I understand doesn’t mean I like it. Just because I understand doesn’t mean I think this entire situation is ridiculous and a taint to my good name. It’s hard to stay positive when I’m not allowed to be alone with my kids in our own home. I feel drained. The medicines I’m on work. I’m finally better and I can’t even enjoy it. I finally get a vacation away from the children and I don’t want it. It was forced upon me. I’m still depressed, but no amount of medicine could make me feel better right now. Every time I have to say good bye to the children at night makes the rest of that night disagreeable to the nth degree. A whole month left of this preposterous case. I hope I can make it. My psyche has been through enough; I don’t want to end up where I started.

Schizoaffective

Finally broke. Ended up in the psych ward for two weeks. I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. It's a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar mood disorder. Things from my past are finally making sense. All of my hallucinations and delusions now have a cause. I'm in the middle of a CPS case now. It's no fun, but I'm trying to stay positive. It's hard. I miss my kids. It makes me wonder if I should have just stayed at the psych ward. I published my journal from my two-week stay at the hospital. www.cracked-schizo.blogspot.com That is all.

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I'm falling apart. that is all.