Stuff And Things

So...
I have a set date to talk to a recruiter. I will head out to the Air Force recruiter, or at least one of them, in Omaha on Thursday at 1:30. I plan on taking my ASVAB some time next week. I'm really psyched about this. I remember how much fun I had in JROTC. Granted, I know it wasn't hard-core or anything, but I was loving every minute of it. Also, I am hot in a uniform. ;)

I went to a new psychologist today and we made a crisis plan. I really don't think I need it, but I was honest with her on how I feel. It would be nice to just continue for now just so that I can vent to an unbiased flesh-and-blood person. I love writing here, but it's never enough. She at least understood, kind of, my need for not wanting meds. I really, really, REALLY hate being on medication. My next appointment with her is next Tuesday.

I need to get in shape, at least in some sort of shape that is not LAZY. I know ROUND is a shape, but not the shape I need, so I pulled out the DDR mat and played it for 15 minutes on the free workout mode. I set my goal for 150 and burned 172 cals for tonight. I'm setting my goal for 250 tomorrow.

I'm pumped. I haven't felt this good in a while. One thing on my crisis plan was to try scheduling time for every activity. Since I'm currently avoiding calls for work due to my bronchitis, I need to plan my days first thing. Maybe I'll just do it in a minute. I really need to get my life in order. One thing at a time, though.

One step at a time...

School

I passed my last class. I don't know how, but I did. Barely. I have a D, but that's better than nothing. It means I now have 27 credits under my belt. It means that when I join the military, I have the chance of advancing in rank faster. I wish I already had a degree so that I could join as an officer and become clergy.

I feel ill today. Jittery. I feel like I'm running on a caffeine high. I'm exhausted, though. I stayed up until 2 in the morning with my youngest, who is sick and miserable, so I cuddled with her until she relaxed enough to fall back to sleep. My heart is racing and I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Things to do today. Life changing things. I have an appointment with a new psychologist today as well as going to see a recruiter. I'm thinking of buying my husband an anniversary gift while I'm out. Our 6yr is in a week and I have nothing.

Rebuild Me

I'm fidgety.
I can't concentrate.
I want to escape,
to leave,
to go somewhere else
with no one to bother me.
I have been very depressed the past few weeks.
To be honest,
I've been depressed for the past few months.
I can't stand my husband.
I want nothing to do with my children.
I hate this house.
I've been avoiding calls to work.
I've not been doing my homework.
My apathy toward everything is beginning to get to me.
I don't care whether I graduate or not.
I don't care if my children or husband love me.
I dare care about the dog
or all of our damned cats.
I just want to sleep.
Sleep

Sleep

Sleep

I am so done with this life.
The main reason for wanting to join the military,
the only reason I tell anyone who asks,
is because my family needs the money,
needs the benefits.
The other reason,
the reason that I have only mentioned to a close friend,
and am now mentioning to you,
is that I feel empty.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of this life
and so very tired of these feelings.
I want something else.
I want to prove myself.
I want to be a new me,
someone that I don't hate so much.
I abhor the person that I've become.
I hate how she despises being around those she loves.
I hate how she doesn't care about what she looks like,
an overweight mess.
I hate it.
Hate

Hate

Hate

I'm already a week behind in school work,
yet I just don't care.
I just want to be broken down,
Have my entire being,
what I've become,
taken away.

Last Resort

Next Thursday it will 7 months since my husband was laid off. We are struggling and it is becoming frustating. I am depressed. I have pushed away from my family, prefering being on the computer where no real interaction has to occur, keeping my distance from my husband and my children. I have very little skills. The skills I do have are not enough to get me a job that pays more than minimum wage. I have three small children, a mortgage, and a car loan to pay off. My husband and I are both going to school, and even though the girls have state medical insurance and we are on Food Stamps and WIC, my husband and I do not have medical insurance. I currently have bronchitis. I feel like shit and it hurts to breathe. I'm sick of not being able to buy what I need, making sacrifices so that my children don't notice the rammifications of their father being unemployed and their mother not being able to make enough to take care of them.

I'm at a crossroads. I've decided to lose some weight (just a few pounds, I'm not past the limit) and get better. I can't live like this anymore; WE can't live like this anymore. We are in so much debt, not because we have been frivoulous, on the contrary, we are extremely frugal, but because we are young, with children, and have many bills to pay. My husband has excellent skills, and yet he still can't get a job. He can't go back into the military because he was kicked out. The idea of the military was the last resort, and that's where I come in. I'm, for the most part, healthy. I can join. I wish to be a part of something that my children can look up to me for. I'm horribly useless in this house in this state. We need the money, we need the benefits, and J would be able to stay home with the children just like he always wanted and I get to take care of them financially just like I always wanted. It's a win-win in my head. Am I delusional?

If I am able to join, I'm not sure, due to the constant popping of my knees and the fact that I'm FAT ;), I hope to become clergy. I love the idea of it, and technically am through the Hosannah Bible Institute, but I would like to help people in a spiritual sense. (I suck at helping with anything else.) I'm actually pretty jazzed about the idea. I'd miss my family terribly for two whole months, but I'd get in shape and get paid and be able to take care of my family, which is extremely important to me. I have my fingers crossed. I'll be calling a recruiter Tuesday.

School

I don't know if I passed my last class. Good lord, I really hope I did.
First off, let me remind you that I am currently both and English AND History major. After failing my European History class, I decided to put that in the back seat and focus more on literature and writing...two of my favorite pasttimes.

My intro to lit class started yesterday. I don't know what to think about it yet. It's already been a pain in the ass for me for, though the learning materials for the class were free, they are only available on the campus website. I had to download the book BY CHAPTERS, which was incredibly annoying. I hate that I have to read it on the laptop. I would print it out, but that is a LOT of paper and I don't want to waste perfectly good ink and paper on something I am only going to use for this class.

My teacher has requested that we all keep a journal for this class to write down our thoughts of the topics of this class. I've decided to just type everything here and whenever she needs it, I can always link it or copy+paste.

IT'S FUCKING COLD HERE. The weather was so terrible on the IA/NE border that I have been staying at my friend Mary's house since Saturday. It's been good times. The whole family is here.

Goals for 2011

I hope to wish everyone a very happy and prosperous new year.
Below are my goals for this new year. This list is incomplete; I wish to add to it when I have more time.

• lose 20lbs by June (short term)
• lose 40lbs by December (long term)
I currently weigh 140-145lbs, so I think the span of time of losing it all to get down to a reasonable BMI is, well, reasonable. I am only 5ft tall and being this big and unhealthy is causing me a lot of health issues and pain.
• grow out hair
I have not had my hair go past my shoulders since I was 16 years old. I chopped it off into a cute layered bob then and never went back. The longest it's been was to my shoulders, with the shortest being a shaved head. I would like it to be as long and as curly as it was when I was 13 and 14 years old.
• continue spiritual journey
I post-poned my year and a day training due to the holidays and will pick it back up when I've resettled in my home.
• pass all classes
I've been struggling, but I know I can do this. I WANT my college degree.
• talk to family more, specifically Dad and David (brother)
I talk to my dad once in a blue moon, and my brother even less. David is broke, has no internet, no phone, and a wife and child to take care of. I understand his stresses and wish we would communicate more. For 13 years of my life I only knew of him, I don't want that to happen to my children. I want them to know their uncle. Maybe one day we could go to Puerto Rico and visit my side of the family.
• clean the entirity of house
My gods, my house is a WRECK.
• create sacred space in craft room
The craft room is even worse. I would like to have a place where I can worship without being interrupted. I would like to share this area with others as well. I hope to one day create my own spiritual group. Not really a church or coven, but a circle of like-minded friends who can worship together in a space specifically created for that purpose.
• organize and purge
Have I mentioned my house is a wreck?
• get truck fixed
It's been broken for 2 years. My neighbor has been helping out on this.
• spend more time with children
I've been ignoring them lately. I love them to death by they raise my blood pressure and give me such a headache......regardless, I am their mother and need to be a better one.
• do more crafts
• do a craft fair
Mostly so I can make a little money on the side
• get more tattoos
I have a tattoo dedicated to myself (tinker bell--yes, that is TWO words), one to my husband (butterfly), and another, lilies, to my oldest. I would like to add more; roses for Rose, irises for Iris, and a triquetra for my spirituality.
• learn French
I would like to get past colors, numbers, days of the week, months, and seasons. I think my five-year-old knows more French than I do.
• Reduce debt by at least 20%
I wish I could reduce debt by at least 100%. Seriously.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

• I've been spending my winter break in Texas with family since Dec 18th. We're here 'til Jan 3rd.
• I'm stressed.
• I'm glad to be visiting. I have been having a great time with family and getting much needed rest.
• I'm stressed.
• J & I are still unemeployed.
• J's unemeployment caps out soon. I don't know what we will do when it does.
• I'm stressing.
• I have to pay 750$ to school for a failed class with money that I don't have.
• I'm stressing.
• I have so much that I want to do to the house, but no money for it.
• We were given a lot of money for the holidays. I'm going to buy the girls a new bunk bed with it and save the rest for later.
• My body hurts and I'm stressed.
• I'm going to make a booty call to my husband so I can sto stressing.

Dear friends

I'm going into business for myself and I am looking for my start-up customers. Would any of you be interested? This is the line of work I will be doing : http://www.pureromance.com/

See You In December

NaNoWriMo (full post)

The last post was just a snippet. This is the real deal. :D

So, first, HAPPY OCTOBER 31st for everyone who celebrates this day for whatever reason it may be, be it Pagan, Christian, or Secular.

Now that that's out of my system, I would like to mention a very important event coming up in just 24 hours. November is National Novel Writing Month, NaNoWriMo for short, NaNo for even shorter. This is the time when 23628756874568 (this is a real number, I promise you) want-to-be writers compete in writing a novel, a story consisting of a MINIMUM of 50,000 words, in 30 days or less. The entire month of November is full of broken pens and pencils, undiluted amounts of caffeine consumption, trashed papers, bloody laptop keys, etc. all in the name of SCIENCE, I mean, NOVEL-ING (is that even a word?) !!

Anyway, for the past three years I have attempted, and failed, at writing a coherent 50k. This year will probably be no different, though I will still be trying to reach that elusive 50k. I'm getting closer each year. I WILL DO IT THIS YEAR EVEN IF IT EATS MY SOUL!!!! So be warned: I may need dialogue and/or material for my novel, so be careful what you say or post around me. I no longer have 2 jobs, and even though I still have school, I now have a LOT of free time on my hands for writing.

I will be "INCOMUNICADO" for the ENTIRE month of November. Sort of. The first two weeks I have to work and I still have homework to do throughout. I also have Thanksgiving and religious gatherings. BUT other than that, DO NOT call, text, email, knock-on-my-door, etc me unless it is an emergency. If you are having a baby, or dying, or something, ONLY THEN will I care. Anything else and I'll growl and hiss at you from behind my lappy or do some hand-wavy-thing that means "go away" in some old tribal sign language.

SEE YOU IN DECEMBER WHEN NANO HAS EATEN MY SOUL!!!!!
Start taking bets now to see how much of my sanity I still have left by then.

National Novel Writing Month

NaNoWriMo in just 24 hours.
Insanity, here I come.

I already quit one job (not for NaNo, but still a good thing) and am only working the first 2 weeks in November at the other job. I will be OUT OF TOUCH for the ENTIRE MONTH OF NOVEMBER.

Have a wonderful and safe October 31st!

Life

two jobs. three kids. two majors.
part-time hostess. part-time sub. full-time mom. part-time homeschooler. full-time student.

life is so busy & so stressed right now, i sometimes wish i could just blow my brains out.

also, i'm learning archery.

This message has been sent using the picture and Video service from Verizon Wireless!

To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.

Note: To play video messages sent to email, Quicktime@ 6.5 or higher is required.

To Whom it May Concern

Why ask for my advice every time for your same-shit-different-day ordeal if you're never going to take it. I'm tired of listening to your constant problem if you're never going to do anything about it. Don't give me your bullshit excuses. You either follow through or you don't. I don't have time or energy to deal with your issues when I have plenty of my own.
/rant

*sigh* I've stopped answering my calls.

This message has been sent using the picture and Video service from Verizon Wireless!

To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.

Note: To play video messages sent to email, Quicktime@ 6.5 or higher is required.

Vacation Time

So far, my vacation has been going well. Last night alone was HILARIOUSLY spent with my, then seriously tipsy, MIL. I should also add that I was pretty tipsy myself. ;)

One thing I am certain about: I am SO GLAD that I live in Iowa, MANY miles away from my family and all of their drama. My mother made a couple of comments yesterday that really pissed me off. I had mentioned some old family friends that I hope to visit next year and she negatively interjected with "I don't even know what to say about those people." Seriously? They are like family. We've known them nigh about 25 years. They helped RAISE ME!. Ugh. And then I mention another friend of the family who is throwing a Quincenera for her daughter (the Hispanic coming-of-age celebration when your daughter turns 15) and that was another moment where I just did not want to be in the room. I don't care about this person's personal life. I don't care if it's a hot mess. My life isn't perfect, and I am not here to judge. I was invited to a party to celebrate an auspicious occasion. I don't give a flying fuck about how they are dealing with their drama. To top it off my brother is kind of being a douche and my sister has her own drama. It gets under my skin. My mother is a pastor. I love her, and I know she's not perfect, but jeez, should a pastor talk about people like that? Should a pastor judge others in that way? Seriously? She gets on her preachy almighty horse trying to bring others to the Truth, but she turns around and acts like that? Ugh. Just, ugh.

Other than that, I am REALLY enjoying my stay. I went crazy spending money and am now negative a hundred dollars in my bank account in just 4 days. I don't know where my head went. I should have just spent it all on crack cocaine. At least then I'd have a reason as to why I couldn't remember. I've also spent a lot of much needed, um, "quality" time with J. *wink-wink* Now all I have to do is write my paper for my class that is due on Saturday. I've been looking for excuses *not* to do it. But at least I am passing. I've stayed a good week ahead in my work so far, but it's only week 2 out of 5.

It's My Birthday!

I was bombarded today with wonderful Facebook messages, text messages, and phone calls from friends and family wishing me a great 24th birthday. I felt very blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. :)

I did absolutely nothing today. I had planned to do some chores, but instead I dolled myself up, dropped the dog off at Brenna's (who is taking care of her while we are away), did some shopping for our trip at Walmart, and went to have our meal at Village Inn. (FREE PIE WEDNESDAY!!!) It seems pretty uneventful, but I'm tired and happy, and FULL.

I'm so ready to go. I've already packed all of the girls' things and have set out their outfits for Friday. After I stop writing in this I'm going to start packing my things. The only thing I need to worry about is that all the dishes are cleaned, the cats are dropped off, the lawn is mowed, I run a couple of more errands.....ugh! I hate planning for vacations!! Why can't we all be Hogwarts alumni, yell PACK! and have everything set and ready to go with just a wave of the wand? Oh well, I make do.

Is it Friday yet?

Storm of the Century

Holy Cow. I am not kidding.

At around 230pm today, I received a text message from the weather channel for a tornado watch for my town. I had just checked the mail and needed to run errands. My husband wanted me to stay home, I wanted to drive the half hour to Walmart to go buy much needed diapers for Rose and some other necessities, like toilet paper. I *could* have gone to the grocery store down the street, but my stubborn ass just HAD to go to Walmart.

The sparkling blue sky was speckled with white and puffy clouds. I thought to myself that the tornado watch was going to pass within the hour or so that I'd be at the store. I was wrong. Terribly wrong. When we, that is to say Lily and I, were headed back home, the sky suddenly went from blue with puffy clouds to dish-water grey with giant, ominous clouds. Lightning struck. The wind was blowing well up in the 20s and even 30mph mark. But I was fine. The rain hadn't started to fall where I was. I could *see* this terrible storm, but I wasn't actually in it, until I crossed the invisible boundary line. What seemed like out of nowhere, the winds picked up, the rain poured down in torrents. The darkness had settled in, making 530 on a summer evening look like night. The windshield wipers were pumping as fast as they could, but not fast enough for me to see anything. I had to slow the car down to a crawl and put on my hazards. I still had a good 15 minutes to get into my town. As soon as I got off the ramp into town, the hailstones began to fall. Giant, golf-balls made of ice pelted me as I drove as carefully as possible home. Lily of course had to make commentary the entire way, but I don't remember much of it. I was too busy swearing at the ridiculous drivers who were going well over 40mph, passing me in this god-awful storm.

We obviously made it home okay. The car didn't suffer any hail damage, and when we made it home, I stowed it away in the garage. I was super happy that I had gotten a bug in my butt this morning to tidy up the garage. I didn't have to worry about the car. Anyway, I now leave you with a couple of pictures and videos. :)

***if you are viewing this in LJ, you will not have the pictures and videos posted. the original post is found at http://vonnieness.blogspot.com/***

I:

Memoir: In Where I Talk About Child Abuse, Depression, and Recovery

Part One: In which we learn about my parents and other relevant stuff.



My parents met some time in the 1980s when mullets were cool and break-dancing was the thing. When exactly they met, I don't really know, nor did I ever really care enough to find out. My mom, at that time, was a divorced mother of two. What i was told was that she had left her previous husband, the father of my sister, Solymar, and my brother, Nestor, because he had become abusive and was having an affair. I haven't done any actual fact-checking on this, so you don't have to take my word for it. My father was also divorced and a father to my brother, David. He had been a friend of my siblings' father and had met my mother through that relationship. Now, in her marriage, my mother had conceived another child. Unfortunately, she miscarried and was unable to carry a pregnancy to term. The doctors had told her that, no matter how hard she tried, she would not be able to have any more children. She was a bit disappointed at first, but accepted her fate. She was happy with the two children she already had and, after her divorce, wasn't really planning on having any more. So when my parents were well into their relationship and I showed up, it was a bit more than just a surprise.

I was born on June 2, 1986 in Caguas, Puerto Rico, two and a half months before my actual due date. Even though I had broken my mother's water with my foot and had to be delivered by emergency c-section, I was healthy. Tiny, but healthy. To be honest, I probably would have been tiny regardless. Currently at 5 feet tall, I'm no Amazon in any way. Solymar was ecstatic to have a new baby sister, my brothers, not so much. Nestor had really wanted a baby brother and had asked my mother if she could exchange me for one at the hospital. david was only three at the time and had more toddler-important things he cared more about. Regardless of how anyone in the family felt, everyone called me a miracle baby. Aunts and uncles debated with my mother on what she should name me. They had wanted Milagro, my mother's middle name, which means "miracle" in Spanish. In the wnd, my mother named me Yvonne Marie, after herself (Ivonne) and her mother (Maria.)

My parents never married, and I'm glad they never did. Not long after my birth, my mother realized that she and my father were incompatible. Though he had asked for her hand in marriage, she had refused. My dad was, is, very mellow. He's the lenient, laid-back type who likes to have fun. My mom, on the other hand, was, is, very rule-oriented, meticulous, stubborn. She had a household to run and she liked it done a certain way. She was tired of being taken advantage of, and though I'm sure my father never really felt he did, my mother had felt she had. It wasn't that they didn't care about each other, it was just that they kept butting heads so much. She didn't see my father as a responsible adult (my father later admitted that she was right.) Enough was enough. By the time I was about a year old, my mother kicked my father out.He came home one day to find all of his things out on the sidewalk.

...more later...

Summer

• I am doing good in school. So far only pre-reqs. Got a 97 in my EXP 105 and currently have an 82 in PSY 202. I start my first real class, ENG 121, on June 1.
• Thursday, J got laid off and I passed my driving exam. I am now licensed to drive.
• J is enjoying his "time off", so we are going to visit family in TX soon.
• My 24th birthday is Wednesday June 2. Five words: Free Pie Wednesdays, Village Inn
• I have an interview tomorrow at Gurney's Restaurant at 7pm.
• I'm getting teeth work done on Friday.
• I feel detached.

Menu Plan Monday

This is my first attempt at a menu plan. Granted, I'm not the one who actually cooks dinner in this house, but I think it's a good practice anyhow. It will help my husband (who is the one who does the cooking) know what we want during the week instead of all of us standing in front of the pantry wondering what we should have.

Monday: fish chowder (a concoction my husband came up with made of cream of celery, rice, spinach, and tilapia)

Tuesday: steak and potatoes

Wednesday: left over chowder

Thursday: Asian-style noodle soup (another concoction of my husband's)

Friday: chicken nuggets and fries

Saturday: left over soup

Sunday: left over buffet

Memoir

Memoirs: In where I share about Sexual Abuse, Depression, More Abuse and Recovery

That's the title, at least. I'm going to try and and write a memoir again. I tried back in my senior year of high school, but it was difficult trying to find my voice. I think I have it now. I think it will be a just a bit easier this time 'round.

As a disclaimer, I went through some unfortunate shit (if you haven't figured it out by the title). So when the writing starts to get a little rough, just drive through.

Cheers.