So the plan for the apartment didn't work out as well as I wanted it to. *sigh* Some other day, some other time. I have plans to move out regardless even if it means moving in with friends. I can't stay at my mother's house any longer. I will drive myself insane. I did get the car, though. I need to take my road test some time this weekend or next week to get my liscense. I need work on my parallel parking.

Things have been hectic in their own sense. I am utterly broke. I needed to buy several things that Lily and I needed, and I went negative. The bank was nice enough to give me a courtesy waiver on the overdraft fee. One time deal. And diapers were needed.

Lily and I are going to visit her father in a few days. We'll be there for a week. I'm excited and a bit apprehensive. Truthfully, I have so many mixed emotions, but we'll see how things go. Some people change, some people don't...I leave the 10th.

I'm thinking of saving up money and going on a true vacation. Just grabbing my kid and leaving somewhere that I've never been for a week. I was thinking Boston, or NYC or even Hartford to go see the Wadsworth Atheneum. I've wanted to go there for a while, but money is a factor. For car rental, a cheap hotel (as in 65$ a night), then airfare and food for my monkey and me...Over 1000$ that I don't have. If I had friends in high places, or even those places it wouldn't cost me an arm, leg and kidney. Some day, maybe.

Keep positive. This too shall pass

This is a quote from one of my favourite books by one of my favourite authors. Witch Baby by Francesca Lia Block. I recommend the book (and the Weetzie Bat series it's in) and all the other books by FLB if you're stuck in a fairytale timewarp.

Out of boredom, I took my Mary Kay catalogue and went to town with it. (I sell Mary Kay cosmetics...)

I love making collages. I don't quite know why, but I do. There was no real thought process behind this one. I tend to just tear my magazines apart and then glue them on sheets of paper. Bad habit, really...

I was over at a friend's house playing a lovely round of D&D when I began doodling on the character information sheet. I liked it so much a redid it in this fashion. It soon became the first of 4 in my "element faery" series. :P It's not finished, like everything else I do.

My neighbor in the dorms (when I was going to school in 04) was taking a nap while I was sitting in her computer chair and talking with her roommate. Another failed attempt at drawing people. You must love the eye mask.

This is just a blog to post all my sketches. I'm not really any kind of artist except a bored one. I don't consider myself an artist, just an arts-and-crafts kind of girl. I seem to always manage to end up with glue, paint, and scraps of coloured paper on myself. I've even glued my clothes together. This is just something fun for me to do...

I turn 20 today. Nothing special...just a happy birthday to me.

So I made a very rough sketch budget last night with what I spend monthly and what I recieve monthly as well as putting money away for savings. After much thought, I'm going to get an apartment next month.


The room is very spacious, they cover hot and cold water, and the bills I'll have are cable, phone, and electricity. After making out my budget, I'll be cutting it pretty close, but it's very do-able. A friend of mine is selling her car for 1500$, which I saved up and already have, plus some, so I just have to add gas and insurance to the list, and it's still good.

My birthday present to myself will be the car and apartment. I love my mother and all, but I can't stand her. I need to get out of this house before I implode. It's too stressful here and she nags more than I do. I'm trying to tough it out, but I won't last for very long.

I feel good about this. I talk with the apartment manager tomorrow.

Life can seriously change you, especially the moment you become a parent.

..........

I recently went to Staples to buy the divorce kit. (Yes, they have divorce kits [and many other kits] at major office supplies stores) J and I had discussed a couple of things, but I know many more things need to be covered. I'm still trying to sort through all the papers I have to fill out and file. The faster I can do this (and hopefully without messing it up), the faster I no longer will have to keep doubting my desicions.

Many people have actually told me that I should give the marriage a second chance. But I'm still hurting. A lot. And the fact that I'm stubborn as a mule doesn't help, either. And even if I did, it wouldn't be a fair chance. Knowing my nature, I'd sit and wait for him just to mess up again. Any little excuse would do. I just don't have the patience for it. I don't think I ever did. I tried to; I wouldn't have lasted as long if I hadn't. I'm the girl who gives up on the first sign of trouble. I had to be three-and-a-half months pregnant, bruised, and severely scared to finally say "I've had enough."

I look at Lily every morning and night when she's asleep and I thank the Gods she's here with me. I could have miscarried. Someone didn't think he was harming the baby. Someone even threatened to take the baby away from me. Someone needed a reality check, and as mean as it sounds to some, I'm glad he got it.

I am so angry, and so hurt. When I first asked for the divorce he had kept saying about keeping our vows. Fuck vows. We were ruined before we were even married. I should have listened to my head. I knew it was just going to get worse. He first hit me in December. We were married a little over a month later in January. I let it go because he apologized. Funny thing was, he got pissed at me during an arguement becuase I was scared of him and would back up. Gee, I wonder why.

I guess at this point I should mention that I'm only 5-foot, 3/4 of an inch tall, and my husband, who was in the military at the time, was 30-40 pounds heavier and towers over me at 6'2".

There are times when I blame myself for this mess. Maybe if I hadn't done that, maybe if I had done more of this, maybe if I...but I didn't get him drunk, and I didn't place his hand around my neck.

He kept mentioning Matt. Matt. Matt. Matt. Fuck Matt. Matt's about as important as Wite-Out to a computer monitor. But no, Matt couldn't go. So every time he mentioned Matt, I kept my mouth shut about Tara. Yes, Tara. I never forgot about Tara. But it took him two years to mention Tara. Hell, he didn't even mention the Tara incident until after I talked about the Matt incident, which I didn't even have to tell him because he and I weren't even dating at the time it happened. We were dating during the Tara, though.

I was also "scolded" for keeping secrets, or for telling lies to keep those secrets. And yet I said nothing when he did. "Wait, what about cocaine? You told me you were having nosebleeds for some unknown reason. And what? You did what to get the cocaine? You gotta be kidding me" But did I say any of this? No. Why? 1. Because I'm stupid, apparently, and 2. I said to myself, "Let it go, Vonnie. It's in the past; he's entitled to a fresh start."

I was really trying to be a better person. I kept my mouth shut as much as I could but someone had been picking on me since I had moved to Omaha. Someone thought it'd be better to beat the niceness out of me. He also thought that reading my e-mails, without my permission, was appropriate. Oh, and I also was having fun. When in reality, I was complaining, I was miserable, and I was dying inside.

It is one of the worst feelings when you are scared of your own spouse. It's an even more worse feeling when that said spouse is on the verge of killing you and your unborn child. It is a horrible, horrible feeling that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

If it wasn't for my daughter being such a goofy baby, if it wasn't for her smiles, and giggles, her sighs, and snores, I know I would not be here today. I never said anything, but it took every ounce of energy I had to not be the stupid coward. I had the means to commit suicide, but I wanted my daughter to have the chance to live life. And still today, it takes all I have just to get out of bed or even to force myself to sleep. If I didn't love my daughter as much as I do, I don't know where I'd be right now.

I'm so glad I have Lily. I'll tell her the whole story, but obviously when she's older.

I've been doing well these past few weeks. J is still sending money, which helps buy diapers and wipes since Lily goes through 10 diapers a day and double the amount of wipes. Motherhood has become routine and I enjoy every minute of it.

I'm working on getting a minister's liscense. I started taking a couple of courses last week and I think I'm on my way. They're not easy, obviously, but I think I could make a pretty decent nondenominational (in every sense of the word) minister. I'm also working on going back to school in September.

There truly isn't much going on right now. I sleep, eat, feed and change the baby, and once in a while I go out with a friends or two. I also spend a lot of time at Mother's church because it keeps me occupied. I want a job but my mother won't let me work because the baby's too young. I'm bored out of my mind when Lily's sleeping.

I'm very tired.

J has been sending 50 dollars a week now. I'm very thankful, grateful that he's doing so. It helps out more than he knows.

We sent each other anniversary gifts. It was nice. So at least we celebrated it in some weird sort of way. We also talk when we can. It's awkward and things still hurt, but at least we talk. I want Lily to have parents that can communicate and be friends. I don't want her to have my parents.

I started my Mary Kay business. I don't know how that's going to go as I don't know many people who use the products. They are awesome products, if you ask me, but it will still be some time to know whether or not this is for me. I have everything I need, I just need customers.

I'm going back to school come June. I'll be starting cosmetology then, and by September, I'll be taking the basic classes necessary to continue my education before enrolling into the university. I've already applied for financial aid and all things needed, so fingers crossed 'til then. I just need to do something with my life if it's going to go anywhere.

I've fallen into the mother routine rather well. I can tell when my daughter is hungry, wet, soiled, or when she wants her pacifier. She's very calm, and not very needy, which alrms me in many ways, but all in all, it's a great experience to be enduring. I love my child more than words could ever express. I tell her so everyday.

I'm actually surprised that I am not suffering from post partum depression. It makes me feel stronger just knowing that.

It was exactly two weeks until my wedding anniversary yesterday. I didn't even realise it until now.

It saddens me, really, that our marriage fell apart long before we ever reached a year. It probably wouldn't have made it this long, but I was preoccupied with more important matters, like my child.

J and I still talk. Not as frequently as we used to; I merely call him to let him know how Lily is doing and sometimes I wonder how he is so it works both ways. He never calls. I tend to believe that he has it in his mind that I am not going through with the divorce. If he is, he's highly mistaken. Getting out of the house and filing is a little more tasking than I'd like it to be, but it will get done.

I still have the occasional nightmare. Mother says that I should let it go so that I can heal. I am fully aware of that. I think she forgets that it's easier said than done; I think she forgets how hard and long it took her to heal. It'll be years before I can trust again, before I can sleep peacefully through the night.

I am somewhat financially stable now. The military is paying me a monthly compensation. It's part of some victim's programme. I'm supposed to have military benefits for another year, but the United States military, especially the Air Force base in Offutt, is run by morons, so my paperwork, which I had finished and promptly mailed, was never filed.

I haven't told J about the compensation. I have it in my head that if I do, he'll get the "bright" idea of 'well, she's financially ok, I won't need to send anything.' To play it safe, he's not going to know. I need what I have. I owe $80 to my psychologist for a session, and I'm now paying my brother $275 a month for rent. I'm not even twenty-years-old yet. This is too much stress for a teenager to handle.

This is all his fault. I am so angry at my husband.

Happy Yule
and other winter holidays

So I've come to the conclusion of getting a divorce. It just came to me. At first I thought that there was no real logic behind it, just an excuse to get out of the situation, but in all honesty, I don't want to be with J. I love him, yes. No matter what he thinks or says about me, I will always love him. But love is not enough. I don't trust him. I don't like him. I don't think I will ever forgive him for what he's done.

I have not forgiven my stepdad for sexually and physically abusing me, and he's been dead for five years. I have not forgiven my father for making me feel like I wasn't loved, even though he's aware of it and has asked for forgiveness. So what would make me forgive my husband for strangling me and jeapordising the life of my child and I? Nothing. I'd be unhappy.

So forgive me if I'm being selfish by thinking of myself, but with all these negative feelings toward a person, what is the point of staying married. I know J wanted us to try and save our marriage. But even he says that I am a bad person for one reason or another and the only reason he hasn't bailed out is because he loves me. I just don't understand the logic behind that.

Throughout this whole situation I've rarely spoken ill of him. Most people think I'm crazy for even wanting to talk to him, but I just didn't have it in my heart to make him out to be a bad person. He's just a guy who's made mistakes. But he continues to twist my words around, leaving me incapable of explaining my feelings. I'm overwhelmed as is with Lily on the way. I wasn't ready to be married. And I still am not. I'm not trying to make him the bad guy, but I'm not the bad guy either. Am I wrong for wanting to be happy even if it means leaving my husband behind? I never said he was wrong for wanting his family back. Not once did I say he was wrong for feeling the way he did, he just assumed that's what I thought.

I can't keep doing this. I don't know if it's my fault or his, but we're running around in circles and getting nowhere fast. I think this is the best thing, no matter how much it hurts.

I married a bratty idiot.

The more we argue, the more he acts like a child, and the more I get frustrated, the more I realise that he is not ready. I normally do not speak ill of him, but today, I just can't help it.

J's hearing was Friday morning, shortly before my appointment with the obstetrician, so I called to see what the sentencing was. I was unable to speak to him until after my appointment, however, as my phone seemed to be ringing continuously from several different things. One- I finally talked to the legal office on base to file my compensation under URGENT as it has taken them almost 2 months to even finish signing the papers and, according to my doctor, am due to give birth in about a week. Two- My Medicaid insurance is all kinds of messed up from something to do with my maiden/married name and they are also still showing Tricare as my primary insurance when I have not been insured by them since October. Three- the probation office called just to let me know that J's hearing was that day and that even though they did not have all the information from the judge yet, they had a rough estimate. Long story short, eighteen months probation with six months of Domestic Violence education classes along with anger management, AA, daily phone calls to check about drug tests, monthly probation check-ups, some more things, and a $300 fine.

So, after extensive thought that night, I came to the conclusion that financially and emotionally, my husband is not ready for a family. He believes that even though he's staying with two roommates in a small duplex apartment while sleeping on a couch (and having 18 months of probation), he can fit spouse and infant child in the picture because he has a decent-paying job. That has no logic behind it, and yet he doesn't seem to understand that.

When I was speaking to him last night, I asked if he could come visit sometime during January. Without thought, he said no. I understand the holidays, but why no in January? He said that having to ask permission from two entities (work and probation officer) very rarely would he get a yes from both. I am not in his situation, therefore I did not argue and left it at that. However, to my surprise, he asked why. "To see your daughter before she gets too big." He suddenly asked, "So wait, this means you don't want to be with me?" I was taken aback for a second. I hadn't really thought of it in that way, but in all honesty, it really was. So I said the truth, "at this moment in time, no." He was not the least bit happy. He asked when I was going to tell him, and I said that I had just come to this conclusion last night, and then, much to my chagrin, he hung up the phone like a bratty little child instead of discussing it further.

J doesn't get it. He just doesn't understand. And what saddens me more is the fact that I, the "childish" one, am thinking things much thoroughly than he, and handling our situations more like an adult than he has. I'm the only who is growing up, however slowly it may be, and he's still stuck in the same rut. He doesn't even realise the stupidity that comes out of his mouth or the childish nature he acts toward everything that isn't going his way.

I give up. I was hoping for that "happily-ever after," but I know I'm not going to get it. I am better off staying here with my mother, however pathetic or inadequate I feel, because it is where I am safe, cared for, and am assured that my daughter will never want or need. If my husband cannot see that, then there is no point. It will just be a waste of time and energy that I do not have. I am staying here and that's it. If he doesn't have the capacity of understanding that, then there's nothing I can do and it's his loss.

I'm done.

Had the interview this morning for state-funded health insurance. Both Lily and I are now covered and they were able to backdate it to when my original insurance had run out. Moments like this make me appreciate the government. Without it I would not have food or proper healthcare. Now all I must do is go first thing tomorrow morning to the office retrieve my new insurance card.

Physically I'm in serious pain. My hips feels as if they are trying to split my pelvis in two. My back is sore and body swollen; I've had lack of sleep from not being able to find a decent position to lay in. I'm left feeling exhausted and irratable. Emotionally I'm nervous about Thanksgiving. The concept of the holiday isn't what bothers me; my family and I have a hard time getting along during family gatherings. Holidays and get-togethers are always started and/or left with arguing. I love my family, but my mother and brother have the tendency to make things difficult. I translated my mother's Thanksgiving sermon from English to Spanish.



I miss the life I had before all of this. I miss the people, how things were and the energy. I miss it all...

So I've come to realise that I'm still mad at him.

I had an interview today with a lady from the probation office. I had to retell what happened, share my feelings and tell her what I thought would be the best punishment for J. I thought it would be okay, but I still cried. I still had to stop and regain composure, but I fell apart all over again. The minute I hung up the phone I was in the bathroom sitting on the floor with my face in my shirt getting it all soggy. I'm still not over it.

I told her that all in all J was a good person who just made a really bad mistake. That he was young and only human. I told her I believed in second chances and that he deserved one...I just told her the truth. When she asked what I thought his sentencing should be I told her that I thought he was punished enough. When everything happened he was incarcerated for a week or two and lost everything he had worked so hard for. His hearing is on 2 Decemember.

I think the thing that bothers me the most right now is that I know he's sorry and I want to forgive him, but I just can't. I keep trying and I can't. I keep trying to put it behind me so I could move on, but it's still there. And no matter how hard I try I still get nightmares and I still get scared. I want it to go away but it hasn't. And then I want to hate him, but I can't and it makes it that much harder. If I could just hate him, then this whole situation would just be easier. I want to blame him for everything, but everything is not his fault. I want peace, but I can't find it and I'm mad at him for it. I'm so mad that it just won't go away.

I'm just so tired of breaking down. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like falling apart. I just wish I could fully forgive him right now so I wouldn't have to deal with this.

After my fit in the bathroom, I sent him an email of everything in this entry. He wants to know what's going on in my head, and since I'm horrible with communicating verbally, writing it all down is the next best thing. I'm exhausted from crying so much and I haven't been feeling well to begin with. I keep waiting for something more.

Things have changed in the past few months.

I've begun teaching Sunday school at my mother's church. It's going well and they like how we interact. I'm still in the teenage-state of mind, so it's a lot easier for me to understand what they say and for me to explain things to them. I'm really enjoying it. True, it's Christianity, and I'm as far from Christian as possible right now, but it's a learning experience. I'm trying to teach them to be open-minded. It makes life a lot easier for me, anyway.

Lily is due in a month. I'm very apprehensive. So many emotions keep running through my body and I am left feeling numb at the end of the day. Along with Mary Kay, I've started babysitting friends' children to earn some quick cash here and there. It's helping out a bit. I can do my little errands when I need to. I'm still scared, though. It’s very difficult sometimes. I keep trying to convince myself that everything will be okay, but the main people from whom I want the most support from have very little faith in me; it's makes it that much harder.

J and I have discussed a few things. I don't think I remember most of it. I have the tendency that if it's not written down, I will forget. But I do remember a few things. I don't think he understands pregnancy as much as he would like to believe. I told him Lily had hiccups and he actually said "I doubt it," because he thought it wasn't possible. I wonder if he realises he's not a pregnant female nor does he have a now weekly appointment with an obstetrician to check on fetal progress. I think I know a little bit more about our child than he. But I'm getting sidetracked.

There are times when I wish things were different. I've forgiven J to some extent. I will give him a chance. He is my husband and the father of my child, and he has shown progress on trying to find the right path in life. I, too, am trying to better myself as a human being. I haven't been able to continue my counseling sessions, as my insurance has run out and I must fix that later on this morning. However, even though I feel that I have forgiven him for the way he reacted and treated things, it's still a difficult process to try and put aside sometimes. I don't know if I'll ever truly get over it. My mother swears that he will always beat me out of anger, that he will always drink, and that he will always screw up our (he and my) lives. Then again, my mother, and the rest of the family for that matter, has never been truly supportive. Frankly, I think both my and his parents need to quit meddling because all they are doing is making matters worse. I'm truly exhausted from all this nonsense.

J wants to start anew somewhere else, somewhere fresh. I want to stay here. Not because I don't want the same, but because I am not yet ready. I have many things to work out that need time and whether he likes it or not, I refuse to budge. It's not that his feelings are irrelevant to me, but if he wants a decent marriage, he needs to realise that if I'm not ready, if either of us is not ready, the marriage will fall apart all over again, and this time, I'm not willing to go through that scenario again. I have a pregnancy that I will soon finish and an infant that I must soon take care of. Peace and tranquility is my main foundation to be able to function.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I will not be able to pursue what I had once planned. I do not have the money, nor the transportation and materials to do so. I do see, however, that this is for the best. I was given this problem for a reason, and I believe it was to see that I need time to take care of my newborn first, before I make drastic changes and plans for the future.

Carrying Lily for these past eight and a half months has been a God send. I prayed to Gaia for a month so that I could carry a child, and she granted me my wish. I then prayed that I had a healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy, and that labor and delivery would run smoothly and would be as unstressful as possible. I'm soon approaching the time for Lily's birth and all has gone as well as I had hoped. My spirituality has reached one of its highest moments, and I'm thankful for that. It has kept me sane for the most part, and I feel that I can tackle just about any obstacle that is put in my way. I may be a bit fearful with each new task of life, but I will soon overcome.

J and I have been talking since Monday night. It's actually been a relief to be able to discuss things in a civil manner. He's accepted the fact that he was the one at fault and many other things and has taken the proper steps on becoming a better person. He now has a certificate from Anger Management. He has finished all his counseling there.

However, as of yesterday afternoon, J is currently unemployed. The military finally discharged him and he's filing for unemployment this afternoon. We almost got into an arguement for a moment. I, being the emotional mess that I naturally am and it being worse through pregnancy hormones, panicked. He thought I was being so because then I wouldn't get any money. Once I had calmed down a bit I explained to him that I still worry about his wellbeing, and not only that, but everything that happens to him, especially financially, will effect both Lily and I. He understood, and proceeded to tell me that he did talk to TRICARE before his out-process. I will be insured throughout the pregnancy until the day after Lily is born; then I'm on my own.

I'm scared, but a lot calmer about the situation. I'm more worried about what I'm supposed to do, but all I really can do is take care of myself and my child until she's born and then go from there. I pray that I get all the necessary scholarships that I applied for so that I can not worry about tuition, and if I do, then I can easily have health care and child care services taken care of. I know my knees and head will be sore for a long while; I'll be praying like a maniac.

I'm slowly losing sanity. This is not a figure of speech. I wake up in the middle of the night sobbing and talk to people who aren't there. I've been hallucinating, and what bothers me the most is that I know it is not real, but my body doesn't respond to that sense of logic. I need to go back into therapy. I had stopped because it was still difficult to get everything out. I thought I had begun to heal, but about a week ago the preosecuting attourney called me and after speaking to her, I burst into tears once I hung up the phone.

This just keeps getting harder and harder as the time progresses. I'm not too worried about it. Since I haven't spoken to J in the past month or two, I have stayed focus on my goals. I have already been accepted back at TSU, I have already sent out applications to scholarship funds, as well as one provided by the school, and I have also contacted child care centers for infants. I'm nervous and excited and scared. I keep praying that all goes as planned.

J will be discharged from the military. No one knows when, but he will be. He has also started to pay alimony. I'm depressed and sick with sinusitis. I am constantly exhausted and I hope that this feeling will go away soon. I just want December to come. Everything has become too much to bear.