Wednesday, July 11, 2007

My family back home is going through hell and back. I'm worried for them but at the same time, I'm glad I'm here in the middle of nowhere with nothing to worry about except my kids, my husband, and my dog. And everyone here is healthy and fantastic---sort of. The dog is being terrorized by my daughter.

My sister signed divorce papers yesterday. She's sick and tired of the hell her husband has put her and her kids through in the past 5 years. In the beginning it wasn't so bad, but it has gotten worse. I feel for those kids. I love them as if they were my own. I used to change their diapers and read to them and scold them and chase after their naked ass trying to get them into the tub... He's been using them. Trying to get them against their mother. That shit's just fucked up. You don't do that to children. My nephew and niece are only 12 and 7. That shit just irritates the hell out of me.

Sol (sister) is stress the fuck out. I don't blame her. But she's horribly diabetic with medical problems coming out of her ass so she has to be careful. All the stress has effected her eyes and they are bleeding again. She went to get them fixed, but all they could do was clear them out. The doctors let her know that there was nothing they could do to save them now. They've gotten that bad. Slowly but surely she will be blind.

My mother has had a recent episode. For those who don't know, my mother has been committed to an asylum 3 times. The first time was shortly after my stepfather had committed suicide and she went off the deep end. She was hallucinating that he and his things were still present. The last two times were that she was running down the street prophesying the coming of the Christ, etc. This time she didn't run, she walked, but she was still in the middle of the street, and well, crazies aren't allowed to run around in public. I mentioned to her that she's in her 50s and that her mother had Alzheimer's. I suggested she get checked since it's hereditary. She threw a fit and started reprimanding the devil, saying that she prays every day to God and that it will never happen to her. I think she's stupid. God can create miracles, yes, but he can't make them without a little help. You should always meet Him halfway. I just said fuck it. She wants to die young and unaware, that's fine with me. I'm not the one who is going to take care of her. None of her children are. We are sick and tired of her stupidity, her stubbornness, and her blind faith. We have no problem in putting your faith in God, it's letting it run amuck that is the problem. She doesn't know how to control herself when she has her episodes, and if she'd rather be "property of the sate" when it gets out of hand, so be it.

My brother is worried for her, but she revoked his POA and any guardianship he had, so he can't do a damn thing for her. Her fault, her problem. We're done trying to help her out. All she ever did was push us away anyway.


I was contemplating suicide yesterday with a few people. We were discussing the topic, not how to kill ourselves. Anyway, all of them were Pagan--mostly Wicca, and in our Rede it states "And it harm none, do what you will." We all agreed that this included self. BUT, many of them were, I guess, sympathetic. They thought they had no right to place judgment on a person's decision. (Ok, that's logical.) And that they wouldn't know how much suffering this person was going through. (Ok, that's logical, too.) And that many of us believe in reincarnation anyway. (Uh-huh, yeah.) And since they were going through so much pain, we have no right to think of them as weak. (Oh, bite my ass.)

I couldn't help but be pissed off. I don't know why, but the thought of some idiot taking the easy way out just infuriates me. If you're going to do it, it's because you're a wimp and can't handle it. And I'm not saying that I haven't thought of suicide myself, I have, but I overcame my fears and such and jumped that hurdle. We can be strong enough, it's possible, but if you'd rather go like a wimp, so be it. So they got a little upset with me for being so judgmental. I told them to go fuck themselves, because I've been through hell and back and I'm still here. "You wouldn't understand their suffering." Oh, please. I've been raped, abused sexually, physically, and emotionally, as well as been abandoned, all this from birth to age 20. This all done by FAMILY. Not some random guy off the street. This includes my stepfather, mother, father and husband, and you know what, I'm still here, still standing, and still causing hell for those who piss me off. If you can't handle it and you go and kill yourself, you're a coward and you didn't deserve life in the first place. One girl put it well, "If something was so bad in this life that you saw no other way out other than suicide, you obviously didn't learn what you should have from the situation and you will just have to deal with the same problems in a later incarnation." Amen to that.
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