Sunday, September 02, 2007

This is a bit TMI as it is a look into my sex life. So just drive through.

I don't know if it has to do with my past history of being sexually abused or what, but it's starting to irritate me...

I thought I was over this. I can talk about my abuse just like I can talk about yogurt. It's not difficult to get through memories or flashbacks, though I still cry sometimes, but it's nothing I can no longer handle. I can have sex with my husband and not feel like screaming but there are times that it gets unbearable.

When it comes to physical sexual interaction I get nervous. I turn into a nervous wreck and my body panics. I used to be pretty good at hiding this and getting through it. I could enjoy sex and not feel ashamed. But lately, it's gotten to a point where J thought I was disinterested in making love. I'm not, I just get nervous, shy and self-conscious. I know it's partly to blame on the pregnancy. I'm about 8 months along, so I have a flesh-colored watermelon stuck to my person that's moves around like some animatronic creature from Alien. My breasts are leaking, and most of the time, if it doesn't involve sleep, I don't want to know about it. Another part is the Lexapro. It's not some happy pill like a lot of people think. It helps keep your brain chemicals balanced and it helps me focus on emotion and where to place that emotion. Unfortunately, I can't detach myself from emotion if I'm taking them. So I am fully aware of what is happening and how I feel about it. And the last part, well, unless I talk to a "professional" I can't really say. I don't know if my abuse history really has anything to do with it, or it's just me. And that's what bothers me.

What also bothers me is that I cannot be 100% intimate with my husband. I get uncomfortable and shaky or nervous and shy. I'm not afraid of him, we've done this many times before. I wouldn't be pregnant again if I didn't enjoy it. But it's like my brain says one thing and my body is like "OK." We try and experiment, do new things, and my body panics. I either freak out and cry for a good 10 minutes, or have to stop everything and recollect myself. It's not a great feeling. I feel stupid and out of control. I'm thankful that J is understanding and better than getting pissy about it he'll just hold me until I calm down and accept the fact that I'm just emotionally fucked. He doesn't pressure me, and he doesn't complain, but I know deep down that he wants it to be different, too.

When we first began having sex (in my mid teens), I was able to emotionally detach myself and just be. That only the physical would know what was happening and that it would not emotionally register to my brain until afterward. By that point, the act had ended, so my body wouldn't panic. I had created a sexual being (who I called Freya, after a Goddess of sexuality) who could handle it and be normal about it and little crazy Vonnie would just hide in a corner until Freya was done. At the end, Yvonne, as a whole person, would be satisfied. But then there was that year where J and I were separated that Freya was not needed. And so she went away. And now I have to teach myself, again, how to be physically intimate...with my own husband.

It's not the same anymore. I know it has a big deal to do with the fact that we are relearning each other, exploring areas that hadn't been visited in a long while, but it's still a pain in the ass. Better than feeling refreshed and calm after sex, I feel ashamed. I can't look at him during sex. I can look at an ear, or his nose, mouth, whatever. But I cannot directly look into his eyes without looking away. I've tried. I want to be there. I want to be intimate, and I just cant. I keep my eyes closed for the most of it so I don't have to try and avoid looking at anything. If I do, my body will feel like it's losing control, panic, and then I'll stop and cry. And when that happens I just feel silly and embarrassed. I just really hate feeling like that.

I don't like it. Sex with your spouse, or any one you love, should not feel like this. It should be wonderful and pleasant. Granted, it is wonderful, I do enjoy having sex with my spouse, but I do not want to and should not be feeling ashamed or nervous when with him. So I did some more thinking and came to a semi-solution/explanation on one part.

In the beginning I never quite understood why I liked BDSM. I thought it odd that someone with an abuse history would enjoy a form of abuse. Though it is in controlled situations, you still get hit, tied, whatever. And then last night, while I discussed some of this situation with J it occurred to me...when I'm being held down, tied, strangled, or "punished", my body is allowed to panic. It is a completely normal reaction for my body to freak out, while I emotionally do not because I have a place to focus it on.

In reality, I just wish I could have a normal reaction to sex. I do not, and that pisses me off. I want my husband to know that I enjoy it, that he pleases me, and that I'm not afraid to try new things. *sigh* Unfortunately, that's not going to happen any time soon.
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