Invisible Illness Week

Stole this survey from Persues (lj user: alabastard)

1. The illnesses I live with are: Bipolar Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: I have a history of psychological diagnoses. It was clinical depression when I was 13 (2000), which then worsened and upgraded to Bipolar when I was 19 (2005). I had anorexia and bulemia diagnosed as Eating Disorder Unspecified or EDNOS when I was 14 (2001) and am have just recently have it under control. It was later diagnosed as Body Dysmorphic Disorder when I was 21 (2007) as my dislike for my body triggered my ED.

3. But I had symptoms since: I was around 9/10 when my being sexually abused began

4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: awareness of the feelings of others and the care needed for my husband and children as well as myself to keep the care ongoing

5. Most people assume: I'm delusional, self-asbsorbed, hypochondriac

6. The hardest part about mornings is: getting out of bed and focusing on what needs to be done.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: I do not watch medical TV shows

8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: My cell phone.

9. The hardest part about nights is: getting to sleep.

10. Each day I take [?] pills & vitamins. I no longer take prescribed medication for my depression.

11. Regarding alternative treatments, I: rely on physical activity (mowing the lawn, chasing the kids), herbal remedies (st. john's wort), and spiritual study and growth.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose:
Invisible. I do not want someone to look at me and feel pity.

13. Regarding working and career: If not controlled has caused problems in my "follow-through" and activity.

14. People would be surprised to know: -

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is: Just trying to cope on a regular basis and slowly reprogramming self. People believe just because I have a bunch of good things going for me that my brain is happy. It's not. It has nothing to do with my surroundings anymore. It's triggered by random flashbacks and mental-wiring.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness was: love a sexual partner.

17. The commercials about my illness: -

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed: Trusting whole-heartedly; wearing whatever the hell I wanted without feeling the need to feel adored or being self-conscious that someone might see my back-fat rolls.

19. It was really hard to give up: -

20. A new hobby I've taken up since my diagnosis is: reading anything and everything about religions. learning new languages.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would: Define normal.

22. My illness has taught me: that the entire world is based on perception. and unfortunately that perception was sanctioned by idiots.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say (about my illness) that
gets under my skin is: That's it's imaginary.

24. But I love it when people: Give me the benefit of the doubt.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times
is: I don't have actual words. My husband and a few close friends have helped me through my hardest emotional times. My husband helped me feel comfortable with myself. I have relapses with dysmorphia, but I'm no longer keen to hurt myself when it hits. With depression, he's always willing to hold me if necessary.

26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them: Keep trying to move forward. You are not your illness.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: that you can truly fight it in a way where it doesn't affect your loved ones in a negative way.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: just listen and cuddle me.

29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Awareness, awareness, awareness.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: amused. That's a lot of shit to read. LOL

Fond of Food

My hormones are still out of whack. It's been almost six weeks since I had the baby. I have been feeling like utter shit recently, emotionally. I know it's because my body is trying to get back to where it used to be before being pregnant, and frankly I don't think my body knows where it used to be. It's gone through so many changes chemically, naturally and synthetically, within the past 5 years that I think it's confused. I've been depressed on and off, but I'm coping. It hasn't gotten terrible, but I have made an appointment with my therapist for next month just in case.

I've been busy making changes in my life, both physical and psychological. I finally have Rose on a schedule, so I can manage my sleep better. My hair was getting on my last damn nerve so I shaved it off. Right now I'm working on focusing on the positive and potty-training Iris. No easy feat on both accounts. Another thing I have to focus on is my eating habits. I know I'm supposed to eat more for calorie intake since I breastfeed, but I don't think I'm actually supposed to be eating twice as much as normal like I'm doing now. If I'm not careful I'm going to eat myself sick and overweight so I've been carrying the baby around in the baby carrier for exercise. Walking around with a ten-pound baby and chasing Lily and Iris around really does help burn some of that extra off.

I'm planning on going back to school next year. J already started his new school year last Monday. I'm really proud of him. I'm planning on majoring in as many foreign languages as I can and in the long run have a career as a linguist of some sort. I'd like to be able to make the kind of money to take care of my family and not depend on others. Granted, welfare is great, and we pay taxes so techinically we're just getting our money back, but at the same time I'd like to not worry about my husband worrying about if we have enough money to pay the water and trash bill after paying the mortgage.

I'm not braining good; I think I'm too tired or something. My house is a mess, I'm going to clean something. (But at least the kitchen is clean!)

And on the 7th day They Rested

This week has been amazing.

Sunday, my brother and mother came by with a surprise visit and brought along with them a new dishwasher. I had been needing one for a while but they are so pricey we hadn't bought one. Plus I needed a portable, which are hard to find. My brother found a good deal on one on Best Buy.com and had messaged me saying that it would arrive one Wednesday. I had no idea they were going to bring it themselves! Not only did they hook up my new dishwasher, but they bought me a new kitchen sink faucet since the last one had broken. It works great. An entire load done in under and hour! :D Our old one took 3 hours and barely cleaned anything.

They were such a blessing. Not only did they fix my kitchen but they went out and bought a new toilet and tub handle for the downstairs bathroom as well as paid some plumber to fix that bathroom's sink. They even replaced the sink in the upstairs bathroom to a beautiful pedestal sink. Most of our family time was spent cleaning the house and fixing the majority of the crap that was broken. But I am so thankful.

My brother and I had an afternoon for ourselves. I left the girls with their abuela and he and I went to get a pedicure. We talked a lot, mostly about our past. He's been under a lot of stress and everything has just been piling up that he's been super depressed and having flashbacks. He didn't talk about them until now, and I'm glad he's finally getting all of that negativity out. He blamed himself for what happened to us as children and I told him that it wasn't his fault. I understood why, but that the person to blame was long gone and a coward. We never asked for that abuse and we were very small children, still learning right from wrong, but I don't think we'd be as strong as we are now if we hadn't dealt with it. It sucks, but it's passed and we just have to move on. I hope he knows how much I love him and how much he means to me. When we were little we were super close, closer than my sister and I.

When I was around Lily's age, I'd have a lot of bad dreams and I would crawl into my brother's bed at night and cuddle. I always knew he would be there for me to protect me from my nightmares. He would be the one to guide me back in my room when I would sleepwalk. He'd play with me and my dolls when he would rather play video games. We sat down on the couch every afternoon after school and watch Power Rangers together. After my stepdad committed suicide our relationship changed and it became strained. He was the man of the house and he was taking care of my mom and me. I was 13 then, and he was only 20. He sacrificed a lot just to make sure our family would stay in one piece.

Anyway, I think now that we've gotten all of that old hurt and frustration out in the open it will be a lot easier for us to repair the damage caused by my stepfather. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted and things will just start falling into place quicker.

Now if only my sister had been here, too, We would have had one hilarious hell of a time. I love the hell out of those two. They get on my god-damned nerves, but I love them. :)

Anyway, my family left this morning. Lily just about cried when she relized they weren't coming back but my brother reassured her that they would come and visit soon. I think we'll also be visiting them during the winter holidays. I still don't know. I want to wait until Rose is eating solids so that the car ride would be easier, and that one be until she's at least 6 months. We'll see.

Baby Formula

Anyone know of anybody who is using or will use baby formula? I breastfeed and in my hospital care-package there was a bottle of Ready-to-Feed Similac Advance Baby Formula along with a box of Enfamil Lipil with 4oz packets. One packet is missing because I actually used it my first week to supplement. I have no use for these so if you know of anyone who does, let me know.

Happy 40th Anniversary to Apollo 11.
Landed on the Moon July 20, 1969

RT @momlogic: DO NOT post this on Twitter! http://bit.ly/silkF
*or anywhere online for that matter unless its set to friends only.*

I cant sleep. I also just saw a house centipede the size of my middle finger, i.e. fuck off huge. I know they're useful but sheesh!

Must.Have.Sleep.

I am so tired. No matter the amount of sleep I get, I can't seem to rest even with sleep aids. I wake up and my everything hurts. My belly feels bruised from the baby's kicks. My back hurts so much that if I take a deep breath I get a sharp pain down my spine. It's so difficult just to yawn. I already have a hard time breathing from Rose's feet in my ribs/lungs. I've only been up two hours and I want to go back to sleep already. I really hate feeling like this.

I have a bunch of chores that need to be done, like washing the dishes and cleaning up. Instead I've been lounging about reading Solaris. I just feel so blah. My baby shower is tomorrow and I'm not even excited. I just want to be done with this pregnancy and have my baby already!

I need to go and play with my children now before they attack me.

Summer Fun?

I am so tired and feel like death. I can't sleep well because I'm in the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy. My allergies are doing terrible things to me -- I'm allergic to pet dander (and I have two cats and a dog) and pollen (the flowers are in full bloom, some already falling down getting ready for fruit.) I've just felt so lazy. I have so many dishes to wash (by hand!) and was going to do them yesterday, but cut the dog's hair instead. It took me three hours just to get through all the matted fur very carefully with a pair of scissors. The buzz clipper did the rest. Summer has started and all I want to do is sleep. Thankfully we have a an inflatable pool for the girls and go in there when we can.

I was going to add more to this post but all I really want to do is nap.

The Storm Rages

I'm writing this at 417 in the morning. Whenever I post this, I don't know. There's currently a nasty storm raging outside. I haven't slept. I stayed up late organizing a photo album on my Facebook profile until a little past midnight. Then some BH contractions hit and I spent another 20 minutes walking around the kitchen to alleviate them. I headed to bed anyway but ended up getting out of bed several times to either pee or walk around some more. Then Rose had the hiccups. Needless to say I didn't finally fall alseep until almost 2am. I was woken up a half hor later by the thunder that was rumbling so loudly it shook my house and the lightning flashes that made me feel as if paparazzi were outside my window. I went downstairs to make sure the computer was turned off and brought the dog inside. I then checked on the girls and tried to go back to sleep. (not an easy task)

Three thirty rolls around and I'm woken up again, this time by the sound out our bedroom sink (don't ask, it was there when we bought the house) making gurgling draining noises. Debating whether or not the drainage was from outside or the basement, I got dressed and went to the basement just to make sure to find the wall had cracked and pulled apart again and rainwater was leaking all over the floor. I then hastened to move any unprotected valuables off the ground. It took a lot more time and energy than I really wanted to use.

And so we've come full circle. It's past 430 and I still need sleep. So goodnight/good morning to all.

Salvador Dali

Happy 105th birthday to you.

Health Fail

With all this talk about swine flu, I'm actually not worried about it. None of my children go to public school, or any day care, we barely leave the house anyway, and even when we do we always wash our hands in bathrooms and use hand sanitizers everywhere we go. We have one in the car, one in the diaper bag, and another in my purse, plus several at home of course.

Now I just wish I wasn't fucking sick. Again. I have some stupid chest cold. I hate that I can't take anything but Tussin for it. If it doesn't get better within a week, I'm going to the doctor to make sure it isn't bronchitis. I am known for major health fail--I was born into it.

Sadly, I'm the "healthiest" one in my family. My sister has type 1 diabetes since she was 2. She is currently overweight, anemic, and has malfunctions in both her kidneys and thyroid. My brother is asthmatic, hypoglycemic, and has sensitive skin that if not taken well care of can get skin infections. My mother has type 2 diabetes, asthma, hyper-tension, kidney problems, carpal tunnel syndrome, and has had her gallbladder removed due to disease. I am only the healthiest because I do not have diabetes and/or asthma. But My health is still full of fail. We all suffer from indoor AND outdoor allergies and because of it end up with colds, sinusitis, and other respiratory ailments.

I just wish I could take SOMETHING that would work. I hate being pregnant and sick. I'm finally not having any terrible allergies, but if it's not one thing, it's another, right? Now I'm stuck with this stupid congestion in my chest, I can't sleep, I'm coughing so much my throat, chest and abdomen hurt, and because I'm a slightly smaller version of a beached whale, I damn near piss myself every time I have a coughing fit. This is GOD DAMN RIDICULOUS.

*sigh* Anybody out there want to be sick, pregnant and physically miserable for me?

On another note, I've kept the house clean. My friend Liz stops by every Tuesday, and this week I was actually in the middle of doing some chores since my children weren't being demon spawn and behaving. So she helped me finish the dishes and then watched the girls while I swept and mopped the floors. Since then I've been able to keep the house pretty tidy since I just clean up while the girls are in bed. At nap time, I take about a half hour off my nap and put away books and toys. At bed time I wash dishes and sweep. I used to think it was just too much work to do that, but I will admit that it makes things easier and less stressful.

I'm managing my stress better. Mainly because I have a routine. I wake up at around the same time every day and sleep/rest at the same time. On the weekends, when J has off, we have family time so we break off of the routine for a couple of days and start back up Monday morning. It's helped a lot that I only go to behavioral therapy only once a month, mostly just to have some "me" time so I don't do murders. I love my husband but he doesn't get me at all. I don't hold it against him, though. I don't get him either. ;)

I wish to write more, but I'm tired. Off to bed...

Stupid Allergies

My allergies are kicking my ass. We went to church yesterday and I had absolutely no problem whatsoever with my alergies. We were gone for most of the day, so even when I was at home it was just a bit of sneezing. This morning, however, is another story. I barely slept last night. All this coughing, and sneezing, etc is really starting to get on my nerves. Seriously.

I want to clean this house, but I also want to sleep forever.

Ugh. I hate feeling like death.

On a random note, a couple of days ago, J and I are at the grocery store and I keep pressing against my belly. Rose was walloping me to no end:
J: "Why do you keep doing that?"
Me: "The baby thinks she's a ninja and is kicking the shit out of me. Like this, judo-cock!" *kicks the air and then realizes vowel mistake* *giggle* "I said cock instead of kick."
J: "That's how you got pregnant."

LOL. Gotta love a ninja-penis.

A Letter from the Senator

Today I received an e-mail from the Iowa chapter of Planned Parenthood letting me know that legislators are creating a waiver to strip Medicaid funding. Even though I do have private health insurance (that costs us a fortune) I am also on Medicaid, which has helped me through my previous pregnancies as well as this current one.

Anyway, with the help of IPPAN I sent an e-mail to one of our legislators today.

From: yvonnexxxxx@gmail.com
Sent: Thursday, April 09, 2009 2:39 PM
To: Windschitl, Matt
Subject: Oppose H1504, H1519 to HF811


Representative Matt Windschitl
Iowa Legislature
Second Floor, State Capitol
xxxxxxxxxx, IA 5xxxx


Dear Representative Windschitl,

I urge you to oppose all amendments which would strip funding
from the Medicaid family planning waiver and the family planning
line item. As the economy worsens, these safety net programs are
vital to ensure even more low-income women in Iowa can access
the health care they need.

Family planning clinics have seen record increases in the number
of low-income patients. During this tough economy, we absolutely
must fund these programs to protect Iowans.

I ask that you oppose this amendment to the Medicaid family
planning waiver and the family planning line item.

As a woman on Medicaid, it has come to help a lot in my time of
need. With the economy as it is right now, it has become
difficult to pay the hundreds of dollars needed for regular
health insurance.

This program has helped many women in this currently defunct
economy. We do not make the money legislators and CEOs make, so
if funding is stripped, we are left without insurance and unable
to acquire necessary medication and/or procedures.

Sincerely,

Yvonne xxxx
XXXXXXX St.
XXXXXXX, IA 5xxxx

Now I have sent many letters in the past to legislators for one issue or another. I have never had any respond until today.

From: yvonnexxxxx@gmail.com
Sent: Thursday, April 09, 2009 3:35 PM
To: yvonne.ames@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Oppose H1504, H1519 to HF811


Yvonne,

Thank you for taking the time to contact me and share you concerns regarding restoring funding to Medicaid. As you know there are many areas in the states budget that are enduring similar cuts in their budgets in order to cope with the declining revenue in the state. There is a good deal of Federal Stimulus money coming to Iowa, but I am not sure what exactly this money can be used for, as there are many strings attached to this money in regards to where it may be spent and how it is used.

We are going line by line through the budget trying to find ways to cut inefficiencies in order to be able to restore funding to areas that are feeling the brunt of the budget cuts. It is truly a matter of setting priorities in Iowa, unfortunately when suggestions are made by minority party members like me about where we need to be setting priorities we are often not heard. We will continue to have the discussion and emphasize where we believe we need to be directing funding and setting priorities.

Please feel free to contact me again at anytime on any issue.

Sincerely,

Matt Windschitl
State Representative
Iowa House District 56
Capitol 515-000-0000
District 712-000-0000

Le Sigh

I am so tired.
My house is a mess and I don't feel like cleaning anything.
I have a chest cold and my everything aches. Being sick and pregnant is no fun. I can't actually take anything that works! I'm stuck with Sudafed and Benadryl and even then I have to stick to a minimum. Gr. I hate this so much.

I have such a ton of stuff to do. The play room is a god-awful mess, which is no surprise. Toys everywhere. The living room just needs a good sweeping. It actually feels weird without a ton of shit all over the floor. The kitchen is what needs the most work done. A sink full of dishes, the counter-tops, and the floor all need a good washing.

What I really want to do is sleep forever.

Life in a Nutshell

For a little over a month I willingly took Prozac to see if it would help with my mood swings and depression. Granted, I had already taken them years ago and became immune to them after some time, but my obstetrician thought it would work differently this time around with my pregnancy hormones. I gave it a try for almost two months and just recently quit. The entire process has felt utterly pointless and hopeless. I will admit that the medication did help with staying focus, but there is just too much emotional baggage that I have that cannot be easily fixed even with the help of medication and therapy.

I have not gone to behavioral therapy in months. Mostly because I am pregnant and all of my pregnancies always seem to make me more sick than I normally am. So I have just been keeping things to myself. I know this is not a good way to handle things but for once, I am actually okay. I am not suicidal, and even though I wish I could just get up and leave, I can actually give you reasons why. And I am starting to see the reasons why I should stay. The only thing I have been feeling is resentment toward my husband and disappointment toward self. I am trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings and fix the problem caused by them without going insane or becoming emotionally recluse. I just wish I could honestly open up to someone without feeling like I am constantly being judged.

My blood pressure is unnaturally low, I have fainted a couple of times at work, and I am just so fucking tired all the time. I cannot get up without wanting to vomit and then pass out. I quit my job because I kept getting dizzy spells at work. This is no fun and incredibly frustrating. I hate not being able to pay off my medical debt by myself. I hate feeling completely useless. Working was the only thing I had to prove that I was not a complete waste of space, that I could in fact do something on my own. Now without it I feel as if I have nothing.

I feel so drained. I know all my physical ailments are caused by the pregnancy. I also know that a good portion of my emotional distress is because of that, too. But unless I can magically have a healthy baby at only five months gestation, there is not much I can do about it. The rest is old and dusty memories that I need to throw away. Even emotionally I am a pack rat; there are just some things I should not even be keeping. At least with some I have finally let go. Now if only I could do that with the rest. It has taken such a toll on me that I just don't know what to think anymore.

I left all the religious groups I was affiliated with. I have a Jehovah's Witness come to my house every Tuesday morning, but the main reason I have not stopped those gatherings is because I like the company and so do my daughters. She is a very sweet young woman, not much older than I, who has been a big help in a way that she is not aware of. Everything else though, my mother's church, Sage Circle healing group, everything, I just left and took a step back. I just don't know what I believe in anymore. I do not feel anything. Spiritually, I just feel empty.

My life in a nutshell: spiritually empty, emotionally drained, physically ill. Hoo-fucking-ray.

Vision Quest Continues

I'm doing a lot of introspection right now and taking a step back from religion and just life in general.

I said goodbye to a lot of groups yesterday and today. I don't really know what plan I'm making, I just know that I feel emotionally and spiritually lost and that I need to get rid of everything first and start over.

I've been trying to get my thoughts in order, but I'm doing a terrible job, so I'm working on that. Anyway, just an update.

I'm always tired, and even though I'm on meds, my depression is still hard to handle on some days. My pregnancy is going great though. I can feel her moving around just fine and she's healthy.

About Me

You know how sometimes people on your friends list post about stuff going on in their lives, and all of a sudden you think, "Wait a minute? Since when are they working THERE? Since when are they dating HIM/HER? since when???" And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.

Please copy mine below, erase my answers, putting yours in their places, and then post the result in your journal. Please elaborate on the questions which would benefit from elaboration! One-word-answers seldom help anyone out.



1. Name: Yvonne, known as: Vonnie, Cyndi, Luna

2. Age: 22

3. Location: Missouri Valley, IA / Omaha, NE / Council Bluffs, IA

4. Occupation: Parental Unit / Ace Hardware

5. Partner: Husband; Justin. Married 4 yrs (01/25/05) together forever! LOL (05/21/02)

6. Kids: Lily (12/26/05); Iris (10/26/07); Rose (due 07/09)

7. Brothers/Sisters: Sister-Sol (34), Brothers-Nestor (29), David (25) I very rarely speak to any of them.

8. Pets: dog (Missy); 2 cats (Gary, Jules)

9. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:
1. Being a mom
2. Being a wife
3. Getting through depression
4. Being pregnant

10. What did you go to school for? I dropped out...so it doesn't matter.

11. Parents: Mother: Ivonne (53), Non-Denominational Christian Pastor; Father: David (53), works in security technology

12. Who are some of your closest friends? They know who they are; Jaz, Nita, Diana, J...

MLK and the Inauguration

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday.

As a minority, I have been a victim of racism, as a child living in the North-East coast, and as a teen living in the South. As an adult very few, if any, know that I am Hispanic. However, tomorrow the first African-American president will be inaugurated. There are no boundaries. Only you can create them. I just wish Dr. King was alive to see this day.

Artwork by Shepard Fairey

To whom it may concern:

I am not Dr. Ruth.
I am not Dear Abbie.
I am not a licensed professional.
I have my own damn problems; you can't expect me to always try and fix yours.