1. Our application for public housing was approved. We are currently on the wait-list. We almost were rejected due to losing the house back in August, but due to the circumstances and the fact that we did a deed in liue instead of a forclusure, they waived that information and approved the application anyway. Currently, we are in the top spot for the 4-bedroom wait list. However, Lisa, the social worker, is trying to find an empty 3-bedroom to house us in until a 4-bedroom is available. While there are 2-bedrooms available, it is required by law that a family of five be housed in a 3-bedroom, and a family of 6 in a 4-bedroom. The only reason they can loophole that is because Dorian will be a newborn and I co-sleep for the first two years.
2. Mother reminded me that she has a friend who works in KISD. I'm hoping that she can help J out with work. We are in desperate need. He has searched evereywhere, and everywhere has rejected him. However, he still refuses to apply at minimum wage jobs, such as Subway or McDonald's. I'm a little pissed at this. Beggars can't be choosers, and right now, we are living off of family. The fact that minimum wage is beneath him is irritating. I know he has concerns about school and how minimum wage would keep us afloat, but at this point, we have NOTHING, so arguing that fact is pointless. However, I've already said my peace on the matter. I'm done and doing my own thing. I'm not worrying about his ass if he's not getting his shit together the way *I* think he should.
3. Five more days. I have a pre-op appointment first thing tomorrow morning and then at 7am on the 7th, this baby is coming out!
4. I'm tired and hate feeling like shit all the time.
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
...
Anniversary didn't go as planned. J had homework to do and I felt like shit so we stayed home instead and gave the gift card to the in-laws so they can use it when they want. We stayed up well past midnight, headed to Kesia's house aroung that time and hung out for a couple of hours. We currently have an inside joke of "teamwork" and the Wonder Pets' theme song.
I am in a bunch of pain today and I've been feeling worse. I've been nauseaous and woozy for most of the day. Gin made J and I get off the living room furniture and let us lay in her bed for a couple of hours. It made me more aware of everything that hurts. My back is killing me. I just want to be done with this already. I hate being in this much pain.
I don't know where I'm sticking the baby when he comes home. I'm sure that I'm not going to want to leave the comfort and ease of the hospital. I'll have my own bed, not a recliner, and the baby and I will be comfortable in a larger room. Not that I'm not grateful for being here. I just wish we had something that we could be comfortable in. There are no homeless shelters in Killeen, and even if their were, we would still have something to do during the day.
I am very very tired.
I can't handle life anymore.
I am in a bunch of pain today and I've been feeling worse. I've been nauseaous and woozy for most of the day. Gin made J and I get off the living room furniture and let us lay in her bed for a couple of hours. It made me more aware of everything that hurts. My back is killing me. I just want to be done with this already. I hate being in this much pain.
I don't know where I'm sticking the baby when he comes home. I'm sure that I'm not going to want to leave the comfort and ease of the hospital. I'll have my own bed, not a recliner, and the baby and I will be comfortable in a larger room. Not that I'm not grateful for being here. I just wish we had something that we could be comfortable in. There are no homeless shelters in Killeen, and even if their were, we would still have something to do during the day.
I am very very tired.
I can't handle life anymore.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Seven Years
So I didn't realize until 11pm last night that today is my wedding anniversary. How sad is that? We have had so much shit on our plate that I actually forgot our wedding anniversary.
I'm going to see if the in-laws are willing to watch the girls in the evening & J & I can use the girst card he got on his birthday for an anniversary dinner.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Here We Go Again
When it rains, it pours. *sigh*
Well, due to irreconcilable differences, my sister kicked my husband out of her house yesterday afternoon. Things had become hectic at her house due to the stress and she believes he is verbally abusive to me and our daughters. Considering I have been with this man for the past ten years and *know* when he is being abusive, my husband is just a dick, especially now when stress and tension is high. No one seems to believe me when I say I know my husband better than they do. *facepalm*
And yes, he has been a major dick to me and to the girls a lot lately. He realizes this; we talk every night, something no one else sees as we do it in private, but I apparently don't "see the problem" because I'm on the "inside". The way we raise our daughters is also an issue, yet when asked to call CPS if she truly believes we are neglegent in any way with our children, my sister told him to get out. She tried to emphasize to me that she wasn't kicking me or the girls out, but even Lily explained to my sister that we were leaving together. She can kick whomever she wishes out of her house, but I'm not keeping my husband away from his daughters.
Needless to say, I'm not going to just sit back and not stand behind my husband, so we all packed our things and are staying at his father's house. The girls and I are staying in their little 4yo cousin's room and my husband on the couch. We're cramped, but it will have to do. Rose and Iris think it's another fun sleep over. Lily, however, broke my stepmom-in-law's heart yesterday when she asked her if there was going to be any fighting here, too. Knowing how much this is damaging my children hurts so much. I wish I could make all this hurt and pain and insecurity go away.
My brother tried to convince us to stay at his house for now while he and his dad stayed at my mom's and sister's respectively, but we refused. He then suggested my mom's house, as they had been working on the large guest room to make it ready for us anyway, but we also refused. It's not that we don't appreciate their help, it's just that we are tired of CONSTANTLY being judged. We are judge for our religious prefrences, we are judged for our parenting and schooling choices, we are judged on how we handle our situation, we are judged for everything. A person can only please so many people, and the ones who are the most important, no one seems to realize how all this judgment of thier parents hurts them.
I am very, very depressed. As well as very stressed out. So much so that I was admitted to the hospital yesterday afternoon to check and monitor the baby (I'm now 37 weeks.) I'm in incredible amounts of pain, not to mention I am already considered high risk due to 3 prior c-sections. Dorian and my uterus both seem to be okay but I don't know how I'm going to be holding up. I am horribly exhausted both emotionally and physically and I worry about how much this affects my unborn son.
I'm having a very hard time staying positive. We have yet to hear back from public housing and probably won't hear from them for a while. J has had nothing but rejections from his job-search attempts. I don't know how much more of this I can handle in the next two weeks. Dorian will be here by the 7th. I just don't know how long I can hold on.
Well, due to irreconcilable differences, my sister kicked my husband out of her house yesterday afternoon. Things had become hectic at her house due to the stress and she believes he is verbally abusive to me and our daughters. Considering I have been with this man for the past ten years and *know* when he is being abusive, my husband is just a dick, especially now when stress and tension is high. No one seems to believe me when I say I know my husband better than they do. *facepalm*
And yes, he has been a major dick to me and to the girls a lot lately. He realizes this; we talk every night, something no one else sees as we do it in private, but I apparently don't "see the problem" because I'm on the "inside". The way we raise our daughters is also an issue, yet when asked to call CPS if she truly believes we are neglegent in any way with our children, my sister told him to get out. She tried to emphasize to me that she wasn't kicking me or the girls out, but even Lily explained to my sister that we were leaving together. She can kick whomever she wishes out of her house, but I'm not keeping my husband away from his daughters.
Needless to say, I'm not going to just sit back and not stand behind my husband, so we all packed our things and are staying at his father's house. The girls and I are staying in their little 4yo cousin's room and my husband on the couch. We're cramped, but it will have to do. Rose and Iris think it's another fun sleep over. Lily, however, broke my stepmom-in-law's heart yesterday when she asked her if there was going to be any fighting here, too. Knowing how much this is damaging my children hurts so much. I wish I could make all this hurt and pain and insecurity go away.
My brother tried to convince us to stay at his house for now while he and his dad stayed at my mom's and sister's respectively, but we refused. He then suggested my mom's house, as they had been working on the large guest room to make it ready for us anyway, but we also refused. It's not that we don't appreciate their help, it's just that we are tired of CONSTANTLY being judged. We are judge for our religious prefrences, we are judged for our parenting and schooling choices, we are judged on how we handle our situation, we are judged for everything. A person can only please so many people, and the ones who are the most important, no one seems to realize how all this judgment of thier parents hurts them.
I am very, very depressed. As well as very stressed out. So much so that I was admitted to the hospital yesterday afternoon to check and monitor the baby (I'm now 37 weeks.) I'm in incredible amounts of pain, not to mention I am already considered high risk due to 3 prior c-sections. Dorian and my uterus both seem to be okay but I don't know how I'm going to be holding up. I am horribly exhausted both emotionally and physically and I worry about how much this affects my unborn son.
I'm having a very hard time staying positive. We have yet to hear back from public housing and probably won't hear from them for a while. J has had nothing but rejections from his job-search attempts. I don't know how much more of this I can handle in the next two weeks. Dorian will be here by the 7th. I just don't know how long I can hold on.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Random Memories
My sister and I were thinking about old memories, things we had done 15, 20, up to 25 years ago. I came to realize that my happiest memories have ALWAYS been with my siblings. Though we fought, and rarely had anything in common due to the great age gap (Sol is 12 years older, Nestor is 7 years older) we always had a good time. I could always depend on my brother and my sister.
Sure, even to this day they still get on my last damn nerve sometimes, and vice versa, but I can honestly say I have not one bad memory of either of them. They have never made me feel insignificant. They have never brought me further down when I was at a low point in life. Sure, we had disagreements, but we always made the effort to agree to disagree if we knew there was no point in arguing and that the other's mind was made up.
I don't have moments like that with my parents. My father was nonexistant in my childhood. My stepfather was abusive, controlling, and sure, I had a laugh here and there, but I loathed him. My mother, though I do have *some* good memories, was an all-around disappointment. There were things she did that I would have never even think of doing to my own children; things I could never forgive her for.
I hope that I, as a mom, can give my children great memories. Sure, I want them to have the same kind of memories I had with my siblings, but I also want the to think back at their parents with a bit of dignity. I don't want my children to resent me as a parent, ever, especially not in the way I do my own parents. I really hope I am being the kind of mom that not only is good *for* them but good *to* them.
Sure, even to this day they still get on my last damn nerve sometimes, and vice versa, but I can honestly say I have not one bad memory of either of them. They have never made me feel insignificant. They have never brought me further down when I was at a low point in life. Sure, we had disagreements, but we always made the effort to agree to disagree if we knew there was no point in arguing and that the other's mind was made up.
I don't have moments like that with my parents. My father was nonexistant in my childhood. My stepfather was abusive, controlling, and sure, I had a laugh here and there, but I loathed him. My mother, though I do have *some* good memories, was an all-around disappointment. There were things she did that I would have never even think of doing to my own children; things I could never forgive her for.
I hope that I, as a mom, can give my children great memories. Sure, I want them to have the same kind of memories I had with my siblings, but I also want the to think back at their parents with a bit of dignity. I don't want my children to resent me as a parent, ever, especially not in the way I do my own parents. I really hope I am being the kind of mom that not only is good *for* them but good *to* them.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Just Keep Swimming.
I have been in ungodly pain all day today.
I woke up today after a long night of ridiculous allergies, having BH contractions every time I took a step. I was cranky, miserable, and, according to J, was taking out my frustations on the children. I think I even snapped at him at one time, but I don't know. All I remember is that I had to walk slowly or I would burst into tears. My pelvis feels like it's trying to rip apart, and my son's head feels like it's just going to slip right out. I could barely move without crying out in pain.
I had planned to go to my FIL's house this afternoon with J and the girls, but thought best to stay home where I could bitch and whine on my own time and not ruin the night for everyone. I'm glad I did. The girls seemed to have a good time, and I was able to stay in bed and piss and moan to myself.
Three more weeks of this. Just three more weeks.
I woke up today after a long night of ridiculous allergies, having BH contractions every time I took a step. I was cranky, miserable, and, according to J, was taking out my frustations on the children. I think I even snapped at him at one time, but I don't know. All I remember is that I had to walk slowly or I would burst into tears. My pelvis feels like it's trying to rip apart, and my son's head feels like it's just going to slip right out. I could barely move without crying out in pain.
I had planned to go to my FIL's house this afternoon with J and the girls, but thought best to stay home where I could bitch and whine on my own time and not ruin the night for everyone. I'm glad I did. The girls seemed to have a good time, and I was able to stay in bed and piss and moan to myself.
Three more weeks of this. Just three more weeks.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Stupid Allergies
I'm so fucking tired of these goddamn allergies! My face is exploding 90% of the time because of the high pollen count. Guess who is allergic to cedar and plane trees? ARGH! I need to see if I can get my allergy shot this late in the pregnancy. I can't do this anymore.
Uneventful day for me. Made some business calls & did some chores, but mostly slept. J hung out with the girls. I couldn't deal with the outside...though it still ended up inside due to the girls playing in the grass. *sigh* If I am not better tomorrow, I'm staying in bed.
It feels like Dorian is trying to juggernaut his way out.
Monday, January 09, 2012
Paperwork Sucks
So I had my appointment with housing this morning. I waited very little and was seen for maybe 15 minutes just to be handed even MORE paperwork. My application was fine, I was missing a few things (due to me listening to my mother), but they gave me 2 weeks to turn it in before denying me anything. And even if I had everything, it still takes them a MONTH before they can tell you whether or not they have anything available. I feel sorry for those who don't make enough for public housing and need section 8. The wait list to *that* is closed. They are no longer accepting applications. I believe after February, public housing won't be accepting them, either. So many people homeless; so many broke people. By the way, if you think you can get public housing just like that, you can't. It's a ridiculous amount of red-tape. Also, you *have* to have a job to qualify. Disabled persons, however, get first pick, as it isn't their fault they can't work. I have to print out a good amount of documentation for them to have by the 23rd. I also lost my SS card, so I need to go find that, or at least replace it.
Many errands to run tomorrow. I have an OB appointment as well. My body aches and I'm about to do my full moon ritual. I think I'll go to bed early.
Many errands to run tomorrow. I have an OB appointment as well. My body aches and I'm about to do my full moon ritual. I think I'll go to bed early.
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Suck It Up, Buttercup
Currently sitting in a team meeting via ustream broadcast. It's a bit frustrating having to watch it online, but considering I am in Texas and this is happening live in Ohio, I have to suck it up, or go to Ohio for a weekend every month. Granted, I wouldn't mind visiting my sponsor, Danita, because she is fabulous, but I AM POOR, damn it. People just need to realize that standing right in front of the laptop filming the meeting makes it very hard for those viewing online to see a damn thing. Also, that not having the camera facing the people who are talking makes it difficult to hear what they are saying, unless they are like me and naturally loud. :) Granted, I get it. The room is small and crowded...BUT STILL. :D
We headed to Joe's yesterday. Lauren and Joey took us out to the park for a picnic. It was really nice. Minus the allergies (allergic to the high pollen count of cedar and plane here in TX as well as Joe's 3 cats), I enjoyed myself. I think we had a good time. I know the girls did. We watched Kung Fu Panda 2 as well as the first half of Hot Fuzz. We had to leave before the movie was over to head back home. Then we got lost, which just frustrated the hell out of J and me, so we were not happy campers when we got home. A lot of angriness at night, but they day seemed fun. :)
I am so tired. These allergies are kicking my ass. I hurt, a lot. Dorian keeps tugging at my scar with his big ol' head, and the pain is making nauseous. I feel like I do when I'm on my period. I hate it, but again, something I just have to suck up.
I need a nap. SO much to do tomorrow. We get to see the public housing authority tomorrow!! *fingers crossed*
We headed to Joe's yesterday. Lauren and Joey took us out to the park for a picnic. It was really nice. Minus the allergies (allergic to the high pollen count of cedar and plane here in TX as well as Joe's 3 cats), I enjoyed myself. I think we had a good time. I know the girls did. We watched Kung Fu Panda 2 as well as the first half of Hot Fuzz. We had to leave before the movie was over to head back home. Then we got lost, which just frustrated the hell out of J and me, so we were not happy campers when we got home. A lot of angriness at night, but they day seemed fun. :)
I am so tired. These allergies are kicking my ass. I hurt, a lot. Dorian keeps tugging at my scar with his big ol' head, and the pain is making nauseous. I feel like I do when I'm on my period. I hate it, but again, something I just have to suck up.
I need a nap. SO much to do tomorrow. We get to see the public housing authority tomorrow!! *fingers crossed*
Friday, January 06, 2012
Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Yesterday: J dropped off the girls at his dad's house so that they could spend the day with their Abuela Gin. This gave us the opportunity to get some things done without having the girls up our butts every 5 seconds, or fighting, or screaming, or, you know, just being them. I stayed at my sister's and helped clean the house, organizing my neice's and nephew's rooms, which are the rooms we have been staying in. I was pretty proud of my handy work. I also swept up as much as possible.
J went to his mother's to try and organize what he could and take our things into storage. First he cleared a way in the storage, and then headed to his mom's to bring stuff in. During this time both Steve and Debbie came home and blocked J in, demanding the house key and proceeded to call the cops. The officer showed up, told them to move the vehicles, and let them know that everything we have been telling them since this started was correct. We technically still live ther as we were never served with a judged-approved eviction notice. Also, Steve didn't sign the contractual lease agreement back in August, so he does not have anything to do with this. If Debbie wants to get in touch with us, she has to do it herself. She tried to argue that we changed our number, but J pointed out that she has our e-mail addresses and that *she* was the one who blocked all communication. He saved the text message that stated we should not contact her.
I wish I could have been there, just to see the look on their faces when the cop told them they were wrong and we were in the clear. Apparently, they had tried to intimidate J, talking mess, especially Steve. This shut them up real quick, though. They had nothing to say after that. When J went back to make sure he had all of our things in the garage, Debbie had emotionally sobered up enough to be nice and told J that he could take the playhouse and slide from the backyard for the girls if he wanted. He refused. He's not taking anything from her house that we didn't pay for so she can't say we were stealing her shit. Apparently, the reason why she wanted the house key so badly was because she believed J would take her things with him. Spiteful is as spiteful does. I'm sure she thought "if I would do it, so will he."
He brought over our important papers as well as my business supplies, which made me super happy. I had received my business cards in the mail and kept playing with them, so now I feel complete. I am patiently waiting for the new catalogs...
Today: While it was nice to wake up to nice, clean rooms, unfortunately, I over did it yesterday and hurt myself. I woke up in excrutiating pain this morning, and have been in tears on and off all day. J was in the same amount of pain. We had to suck it up, though.
Lily had her yearly check up, where we found out she's hard of hearing and her left eye can't see well, but that, at least, he legs are easily manageable and WILL grow out of the pidgeon-toes if we continue to stretch the muscles in her hips. I made appointments for next week.
J finished up getting all of our things out of his mother's garage and into the storage unit. He Tetris'd the fuck out of that thing. It's about the size of a one-car garage and he filled it top to bottom, front to back. It is RIDICULOUS how much shit he fit in there, not to mention it was EVERYTHING we owned. I convinced him that we should stop by his mother's on Monday to have a look-over to make sure we didn't leave anything behind after our public housing appointment.
Tomorrow: The girls don't know it yet, but we are headed over to go visit their Uncle Joey for the day. I know how much they love being with him. I told them Daddy had a surprise for them and they are just aching to find out what it is. LOL. Silly girls.
Other than that, nothing else planned. I'm doing my devotional for about a half hour tomorrow, have a team meeting Sunday afternoon, and shit doesn't get real again until Monday. I can't wait until things wind down. I just want to be able to breathe again.
J went to his mother's to try and organize what he could and take our things into storage. First he cleared a way in the storage, and then headed to his mom's to bring stuff in. During this time both Steve and Debbie came home and blocked J in, demanding the house key and proceeded to call the cops. The officer showed up, told them to move the vehicles, and let them know that everything we have been telling them since this started was correct. We technically still live ther as we were never served with a judged-approved eviction notice. Also, Steve didn't sign the contractual lease agreement back in August, so he does not have anything to do with this. If Debbie wants to get in touch with us, she has to do it herself. She tried to argue that we changed our number, but J pointed out that she has our e-mail addresses and that *she* was the one who blocked all communication. He saved the text message that stated we should not contact her.
I wish I could have been there, just to see the look on their faces when the cop told them they were wrong and we were in the clear. Apparently, they had tried to intimidate J, talking mess, especially Steve. This shut them up real quick, though. They had nothing to say after that. When J went back to make sure he had all of our things in the garage, Debbie had emotionally sobered up enough to be nice and told J that he could take the playhouse and slide from the backyard for the girls if he wanted. He refused. He's not taking anything from her house that we didn't pay for so she can't say we were stealing her shit. Apparently, the reason why she wanted the house key so badly was because she believed J would take her things with him. Spiteful is as spiteful does. I'm sure she thought "if I would do it, so will he."
He brought over our important papers as well as my business supplies, which made me super happy. I had received my business cards in the mail and kept playing with them, so now I feel complete. I am patiently waiting for the new catalogs...
Today: While it was nice to wake up to nice, clean rooms, unfortunately, I over did it yesterday and hurt myself. I woke up in excrutiating pain this morning, and have been in tears on and off all day. J was in the same amount of pain. We had to suck it up, though.
Lily had her yearly check up, where we found out she's hard of hearing and her left eye can't see well, but that, at least, he legs are easily manageable and WILL grow out of the pidgeon-toes if we continue to stretch the muscles in her hips. I made appointments for next week.
J finished up getting all of our things out of his mother's garage and into the storage unit. He Tetris'd the fuck out of that thing. It's about the size of a one-car garage and he filled it top to bottom, front to back. It is RIDICULOUS how much shit he fit in there, not to mention it was EVERYTHING we owned. I convinced him that we should stop by his mother's on Monday to have a look-over to make sure we didn't leave anything behind after our public housing appointment.
Tomorrow: The girls don't know it yet, but we are headed over to go visit their Uncle Joey for the day. I know how much they love being with him. I told them Daddy had a surprise for them and they are just aching to find out what it is. LOL. Silly girls.
Other than that, nothing else planned. I'm doing my devotional for about a half hour tomorrow, have a team meeting Sunday afternoon, and shit doesn't get real again until Monday. I can't wait until things wind down. I just want to be able to breathe again.
Thursday, January 05, 2012
Goals for 2012
I am in a lot of pain, which makes me angry. Unfortunately, I can't get angry at anyone because I'm sleep deprived due to the amount of pain I had been in last night that kept me up until 5 in the morning and woke me every hour after that. *sigh*
So I realized this morning that I never really elaborated on the things I wanted tp accomplish this year. I did mention my spirituality, once, and then forgot to mention the rest. So here it goes...
So, as you can see, not a lot of things planned for 2012, but they will take the whole year to accomplish. It's a nice list of long-term goals that I hope to start on the right track this year as well as continue them for the following years. They are practical and things that I believe will benefit my life. Along with these reasonable goals, I have my ridiculous ones as well. Two come to mind: A. see how long I can grow my hair out before I get fed up and cut it, and B. see how long I can grow my nails before caving and chewing them off. I know it sounds silly, but I like to do these. In 2006 I decided to see how long I could last without dying my hair. Six years later, and this is still my natural color, greys (they're sparkles!) and all.
So I realized this morning that I never really elaborated on the things I wanted tp accomplish this year. I did mention my spirituality, once, and then forgot to mention the rest. So here it goes...
- Get in touch with spirituality: This is something that I have been meaning to do for quite some time. It's been hard, being pregnant, homeschooling 3 kids in different levels at the same time, and all the stresses we've endured in the past 2 years, but I think I can get the hang of this if I focus. This entails my daily spiritual training (which I won't be able to get back into until I get my books and supplies out of storage), weekly devotionals (sort of like praise and worship at Church, except, you know, not about Jesus), monthly moon rituals (full moons, specifically), and remembering to celebrate *all* 8 major Sabats in my religion (even if it's just a little prayer and a tiny candle).
- Succeed with business: As you already know, I'm a Pure Romance consultant (http://yvonneames.pureromance.com) but have been doing a crappy job at it since I started back in July. I can only blame myself for this, but for justifiable reasons. Trying to figure out where the life of your family is headed as well as trying to not feel so much like the plague from pregnancy can really damper your spirits and effect the way you run a business. So far, the month of January is looking spectacular. I am very excited. My dad sent some Christmas money that I have been using to get a few things to really get my business off the ground, that and last night's product launch had me super jazzed that I ended up booking 3 parties shortly afterwards.
- Pay off debts: If I can be serious about my business, I'm hoping to make enough money this year to pay off as much of my debts as I possibly can. I still owe money to the trash company I used back in Iowa. *facepalm* Along with medical bills I was unable to pay in Nebraska, I owe my school 2k from my failed courses, and have to pay back VA an extra $640 for dropping out of school early. I'm sure I owe somebody else money, but right now can't think of anyone else. With this accomplished I'll be able to open new doors that will help my family, like, you know, not being homeless and worrying where we're going to be living in the next month.
- Go back to school: until I pay what I owe, I can't get back into school. So paying off the debt is the first thing I have to do before I can accomplish this goal. I *really* do want to finish my degree (I have 2 years under my belt, so I'd be done with my BA in History and English in no time) and think it would be beneficial for me in teaching my children.
- Daily journal entries: If you haven't already noticed, I've tried to write every day since the new year started. This is something that I've wanted to do for quite some time and hope to continue in the future. With all that is going on, I want to document as much as I can. This is also a great stress-reliever for me. When I write about my problems, they don't seem as large as they do in my head. I can really get things into perspective if I set it all down on (figuratively) paper first, and analyze it from a different point of view. If I vent on a daily basis, maybe I can stop being such an ass sometimes and really think about how ridiculous some of my problems are so I can stop making such a big deal out of them
- Lose 20 lbs: This is last on the list for the obvious reason that I am still pregnant. After the pregnancy, I'll be placed on minimal activity for two months so that I can heal from my cesearean. I'll pretty much still be out of comission well into April. However, I don't ever want to get as big as I did ever again. I felt like crap every day because I was so out of shape. My health was just shit. Currently, at 8.5 months pregnant, I am 147 lbs. Exactly one year ago, at not pregnant at all, I was at 147 lbs! So yes, during this pregnancy I have "lost" weight. This had a lot to do with the fact that I take careful note of what I eat, more now because I have gestational diabetes this time around. I hope to continue to eat right as well as get back to going to the gym three times a week. Last year, for the first six months of 2011, I was training hard to join the military. I had lost very little weight then, but had gained muscle and a lot of stamina. I felt GREAT and I miss it. If I hadn't been put on bed rest and didn't hurt so goddamn much, I probably would have kept at it. For now though, I'll stick to walking with Dorian and the girls on a regular basis, and come April, challenge the husband at some athletic feat that will take some training to do. (He wants to get in shape to; it works out since he graduates in March.)
So, as you can see, not a lot of things planned for 2012, but they will take the whole year to accomplish. It's a nice list of long-term goals that I hope to start on the right track this year as well as continue them for the following years. They are practical and things that I believe will benefit my life. Along with these reasonable goals, I have my ridiculous ones as well. Two come to mind: A. see how long I can grow my hair out before I get fed up and cut it, and B. see how long I can grow my nails before caving and chewing them off. I know it sounds silly, but I like to do these. In 2006 I decided to see how long I could last without dying my hair. Six years later, and this is still my natural color, greys (they're sparkles!) and all.
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
Pure Romance and Things That Make Me Smile
So this evening, Pure Romance launched our new products for spring. OH MY GOODNESS IT IS SO AWESOME. They introduced a new product line called The Diamond Collection. It's made of supreme silicone, which makes it smooth and non-porous, which makes it hypoallergenic. Not only that, but they are all RECHARGABLE. I wish I had the money to buy it all just so I could play with it. However, I'm just going to have to suck it up and wait for the parties, catalog parties, and conference calls. *squee* I ordered a bunch of new order forms, catalogs, and shiny new business cards. I'M ON THIS.
J bought me a few of my (edible) favorite things. I currently had a ham and cheese hot pocket and have been drinking lemonade/tea. We didn't know Lipton had the half & halfs, so he bought a 12 pack of them last night. I think I've already drank half of the pack. :D
I am in a lot of pain. I accidently scare my sister because I started screaming and swearing before bursting into tears. She was rubbing my abdomen and was slightly grossed out. Since I'm not longer pudgy, all I have is stretched out skin and a baby in there somewhere. She could feel all the lumps and curves that were my son's limbs, made more prominent due to the fact that I was in the middle of some serious Braxton Hick's contractions. I just have to remember I have almost exactly 5 weeks left of this. He's almost here...
J bought me a few of my (edible) favorite things. I currently had a ham and cheese hot pocket and have been drinking lemonade/tea. We didn't know Lipton had the half & halfs, so he bought a 12 pack of them last night. I think I've already drank half of the pack. :D
I am in a lot of pain. I accidently scare my sister because I started screaming and swearing before bursting into tears. She was rubbing my abdomen and was slightly grossed out. Since I'm not longer pudgy, all I have is stretched out skin and a baby in there somewhere. She could feel all the lumps and curves that were my son's limbs, made more prominent due to the fact that I was in the middle of some serious Braxton Hick's contractions. I just have to remember I have almost exactly 5 weeks left of this. He's almost here...
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
Way To Go.
Wow. Just....wow.So J got a text message from his youngest brother Joe about how their mom is getting an attorney because in the past two weeks we have not made any contact with her.
First off, she blocked both J and myself from her Facebook profile. Second, she sent J a text message (which he has saved) to make no attempts in contacting her and that all correspondence must be done through Steve (her boyfriend.) My brother also received a note from Steve on Facebook about this (also saved.) Last, Steve has me friended on Facebook. If there were any issues that needed to be brought to our attention, he could have easily sent me a message.
J is in complete awe. He figured that after two weeks after being kicked out his mother would have sobered up by now and realized how ridiculous all of her allegations sounded. My comment was that she is probably still spending most of her evenings drunk, and that Steve is an enabler, to which he agreed I had a point. He still angry though. This has caused our family much unnecessary stress.
Another thing, she can get an attorney all she wants, but they will tell her that we need a judge-approved eviction notice due to the fact that we had a contractual agreement (which we have a copy of.) J has already told her this. We have yet to receive one. I was hoping we could all get this done and over with, but apparently this is going to end up a legal battle. We already spoke to KPD; they already assured us that we are in the clear, but still. This is beyond ridiculous at this point. And even if we didn't need the eviction notice, we have until 5pm January 18th to get all of our things out. That will be exactly 30 days since our "eviction." We still have fifteen days according to my calendar.
It sucks though. We have absolutely no room in the storage unit due to the fact that we had believed we would permanently move in eventually; you know, like we were told. And since J ended up giving his mother every penny we had left as rent money, we can no longer afford to even upgrade the unit. So while I'm staying as calm as possible, I can seriously understand why J is so angry.
As for the girls dealing with this situation, Lily has been the hardest in coping. She has been lashing out and angry and is still having nightmares about her grandmother. It's been a complete rollercoaster of emotions with that girl, I'm almost to my wit's end. She has her good days, but on her bad days... She told me last week that she had dreamt that "Dorian was born and then Grandma took him and killed the baby." I was heartbroken and had to sit with her and tell her that everything was ok, that J and I would be taking good care of Dorian and that Grandma could no longer hurt us. She then asked why her grandmother had been so mean to us and J tried to explain it the best way he could. Lily came up with the conclusion, "So, Grandma is just throwing a big tantrum because she didn't get her way." We figured that was the best explanation a 6 year old could come up with and asked her that if she still had bed dreams to please find an adult to remind her that we love her and that everything was ok. I asked her what she was going to do with the nightmares. "I'm going to ask God to blow them away." I initially thought she meant that God would use a strong wind to be rid of them. Knowing Lily, she wants to nuke them. Iris, thankfully, has taken all of this in stride. Being the mellowest of the three, she is the best at coping. She is no longer wetting the bed, her fits are minimal, and there have been no bad dreams. Rose, however, is a lot like Lily. There has been a lot of rage, and a lot of screaming and crying when she sleeps. We are just taking on day at a time with them. It's hard, but we have to move on and put the past where it belongs.
On a good note, my doctor says I am looking much healthier. I have a little over a month before Dorian gets here.
First off, she blocked both J and myself from her Facebook profile. Second, she sent J a text message (which he has saved) to make no attempts in contacting her and that all correspondence must be done through Steve (her boyfriend.) My brother also received a note from Steve on Facebook about this (also saved.) Last, Steve has me friended on Facebook. If there were any issues that needed to be brought to our attention, he could have easily sent me a message.
J is in complete awe. He figured that after two weeks after being kicked out his mother would have sobered up by now and realized how ridiculous all of her allegations sounded. My comment was that she is probably still spending most of her evenings drunk, and that Steve is an enabler, to which he agreed I had a point. He still angry though. This has caused our family much unnecessary stress.
Another thing, she can get an attorney all she wants, but they will tell her that we need a judge-approved eviction notice due to the fact that we had a contractual agreement (which we have a copy of.) J has already told her this. We have yet to receive one. I was hoping we could all get this done and over with, but apparently this is going to end up a legal battle. We already spoke to KPD; they already assured us that we are in the clear, but still. This is beyond ridiculous at this point. And even if we didn't need the eviction notice, we have until 5pm January 18th to get all of our things out. That will be exactly 30 days since our "eviction." We still have fifteen days according to my calendar.
It sucks though. We have absolutely no room in the storage unit due to the fact that we had believed we would permanently move in eventually; you know, like we were told. And since J ended up giving his mother every penny we had left as rent money, we can no longer afford to even upgrade the unit. So while I'm staying as calm as possible, I can seriously understand why J is so angry.
As for the girls dealing with this situation, Lily has been the hardest in coping. She has been lashing out and angry and is still having nightmares about her grandmother. It's been a complete rollercoaster of emotions with that girl, I'm almost to my wit's end. She has her good days, but on her bad days... She told me last week that she had dreamt that "Dorian was born and then Grandma took him and killed the baby." I was heartbroken and had to sit with her and tell her that everything was ok, that J and I would be taking good care of Dorian and that Grandma could no longer hurt us. She then asked why her grandmother had been so mean to us and J tried to explain it the best way he could. Lily came up with the conclusion, "So, Grandma is just throwing a big tantrum because she didn't get her way." We figured that was the best explanation a 6 year old could come up with and asked her that if she still had bed dreams to please find an adult to remind her that we love her and that everything was ok. I asked her what she was going to do with the nightmares. "I'm going to ask God to blow them away." I initially thought she meant that God would use a strong wind to be rid of them. Knowing Lily, she wants to nuke them. Iris, thankfully, has taken all of this in stride. Being the mellowest of the three, she is the best at coping. She is no longer wetting the bed, her fits are minimal, and there have been no bad dreams. Rose, however, is a lot like Lily. There has been a lot of rage, and a lot of screaming and crying when she sleeps. We are just taking on day at a time with them. It's hard, but we have to move on and put the past where it belongs.
On a good note, my doctor says I am looking much healthier. I have a little over a month before Dorian gets here.
Monday, January 02, 2012
2012 & Things Needed if We Get Our Own Place
These past two days have been busy ones. We spent the entire day yesterday spending time with my dad-in-law and my stepmom-in-law. The girls had a great time, and they offered to babysit them any time we needed it. I don't know when I'll take them up on that offer, but it's very much noted in the back of my mind. If J gets a job any time soon, and I have weekly appointments for the next month until Dorian arrives, I know the girls will need someone who can give them an entire day of attention on those days when J's and my obligations overlap. And then, of course, the day I have Dorian, someone needs to be with them overnight. (Deena stayed with Lily when I had Iris; Meg stayed with Lily and Iris when I had Rose.)
****
Today was spent running errands. I had packages of products that needed to be mailed, and my sister's prescription to be filled. I was going to head to the bank and make a money order to send to our old DPT for duplicate titles on our vehicles, but the bank was busy. Somehow, I was also riding on an empty gas tank for a while. Tomorrow, more errands. I have an appointment with my OBGYN in the afternoon and the rest of my products are coming in that day. I have a transaction to make with a customer, and doctor and dentist appointments to make for the children.
****
I don't make New Year Resolutions. One thing I do like to do is set goals every few months and reflect on their progress. I'd like to start being more spiritual, so while I won't be practicing on a weekly basis or anything, I do want to hold a ritual every month on the full moon. Being a mom (and currently a very full moon :D ), this means a lot to me. I want to pay my respects to my mother goddess. I'd also like to get back to celebrating the Sabats as often as possible instead of whenever it's convenient. It's going to take some scheduling on my part, but if I focus on doing these in the evening, I think I can make it work.
****
As much as I appreciate what my family has done for me in giving me a place to stay and taking care of us in this time of need. I really hope we can have our own place soon. My mom is trying get HUD to give me an earlier appointment, but I'm fine waiting until the 9th. It occurred to me, though, that if they do have something available for us, we got rid of a lot of things so we could move and have very little left.
We have all of our furniture, so we have places to sit and sleep, etc. We kept our bathroom things, and if my monster-in-law didn't throw it out, we'll be covered for that. However, we have almost nothing for the kitchen (we have most of the appliances). I've compiled a list for things we will need if and when we get our own place.
I'm really hoping that HUD has something available for us within the next couple of months. Like I said, I appreciate all that my family has done, but we really need our own place. We are slowly getting back to where we were, but it's still difficult when you have to be careful of how it will affect the others you live with, which is frustrating if the dynamics clash.
Here's hoping for a prosperous new year. *fingers crossed*
****
Today was spent running errands. I had packages of products that needed to be mailed, and my sister's prescription to be filled. I was going to head to the bank and make a money order to send to our old DPT for duplicate titles on our vehicles, but the bank was busy. Somehow, I was also riding on an empty gas tank for a while. Tomorrow, more errands. I have an appointment with my OBGYN in the afternoon and the rest of my products are coming in that day. I have a transaction to make with a customer, and doctor and dentist appointments to make for the children.
****
I don't make New Year Resolutions. One thing I do like to do is set goals every few months and reflect on their progress. I'd like to start being more spiritual, so while I won't be practicing on a weekly basis or anything, I do want to hold a ritual every month on the full moon. Being a mom (and currently a very full moon :D ), this means a lot to me. I want to pay my respects to my mother goddess. I'd also like to get back to celebrating the Sabats as often as possible instead of whenever it's convenient. It's going to take some scheduling on my part, but if I focus on doing these in the evening, I think I can make it work.
****
As much as I appreciate what my family has done for me in giving me a place to stay and taking care of us in this time of need. I really hope we can have our own place soon. My mom is trying get HUD to give me an earlier appointment, but I'm fine waiting until the 9th. It occurred to me, though, that if they do have something available for us, we got rid of a lot of things so we could move and have very little left.
We have all of our furniture, so we have places to sit and sleep, etc. We kept our bathroom things, and if my monster-in-law didn't throw it out, we'll be covered for that. However, we have almost nothing for the kitchen (we have most of the appliances). I've compiled a list for things we will need if and when we get our own place.
- pots & pans
- cooking utensils
- oven mitts
- plates
- cups
- mugs
- silverware
- dish soap
- dish sponge
- all-purpose cleaner
- cleaning rags
- (microwave) **only if apt is not equipped with one
- paper towels
- trash can
- trash bags
- toilet paper
- toilet brush
- toilet cleaner
- dresser (to replace mine, that broke)
- cubby-style toy organizer with drawers (to replace the large plastic tubs that take up too much room)
I'm really hoping that HUD has something available for us within the next couple of months. Like I said, I appreciate all that my family has done, but we really need our own place. We are slowly getting back to where we were, but it's still difficult when you have to be careful of how it will affect the others you live with, which is frustrating if the dynamics clash.
Here's hoping for a prosperous new year. *fingers crossed*
Friday, December 30, 2011
Done
I hate it when people think they can undermine my parental authority because I am "young and ignorant." Just because you are older and also have kids doesn't mean you have any idea what you are doing. Raise your own damn kids and leave me to mine. Don't give me shit about parenting classes. We've been part of the system for over 6 years and received monthly as well as bi-yearly evaluations. I know what I'm doing.
I hate being told I'm being an asshole to my children when a week later of having my children around, you, too, are being a dick.
I am so fucking tired of everyone thinking I have no grip on what is going on in my family or in our situation just because I'm 25 damn years old. I'm a good fucking parent whether anyone agrees with it or not. I know I am. We were told so by SOCIAL SERVICES as well as by a BEHAVIORAL THERAPIST that I am doing great by my kids. We.know.what.we.are.doing. Sure, it's hard, and we'll slip up, but we move one and try and do better next time. That's all we really can do. I'm just so fucking tired of everyone putting in their two cents without my asking. If I didn't ask for your opinion, I don't want to hear it. The end.
I am so emotionally tired. I am just so fucking done. People act like we are not fucking trying. It's winter break. NOBODY IN H.R. ANYWHERE IS AVAILABLE UNTIL THE 2nd!!! I am tired of everyone trying to shove us into this little cookie cutter that we don't fucking fit in. Trust me. We tried it, and our marriage bombed in the process with me pregnant and alone at my mother's, and J with a criminal record broke and living with friends.
I hate hate HATE the fact that I have to depend on others to survive. I pray that they have something for us in public housing. I can't fucking do this anymore. I am constantly being judged and criticized. Our entire family dynamic is fucked because everyone feels they have a say. I fucking give up.
I hate being told I'm being an asshole to my children when a week later of having my children around, you, too, are being a dick.
I am so fucking tired of everyone thinking I have no grip on what is going on in my family or in our situation just because I'm 25 damn years old. I'm a good fucking parent whether anyone agrees with it or not. I know I am. We were told so by SOCIAL SERVICES as well as by a BEHAVIORAL THERAPIST that I am doing great by my kids. We.know.what.we.are.doing. Sure, it's hard, and we'll slip up, but we move one and try and do better next time. That's all we really can do. I'm just so fucking tired of everyone putting in their two cents without my asking. If I didn't ask for your opinion, I don't want to hear it. The end.
I am so emotionally tired. I am just so fucking done. People act like we are not fucking trying. It's winter break. NOBODY IN H.R. ANYWHERE IS AVAILABLE UNTIL THE 2nd!!! I am tired of everyone trying to shove us into this little cookie cutter that we don't fucking fit in. Trust me. We tried it, and our marriage bombed in the process with me pregnant and alone at my mother's, and J with a criminal record broke and living with friends.
I hate hate HATE the fact that I have to depend on others to survive. I pray that they have something for us in public housing. I can't fucking do this anymore. I am constantly being judged and criticized. Our entire family dynamic is fucked because everyone feels they have a say. I fucking give up.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Is It 2012 Yet?
The past few months haven't been as great as I had hoped. I'm still very much pregnant, but I'm also homeless. We're staying with my sister for now until we can figure something out.
My mother-in-law has cut off all communication with us. She deleted and blocked both J and I off her Facebook as well as my brother and sister. She believes that we are entitled and spoiled brats (even though we were paying her $500 monthly to help out) and the fact that I teach my children to question everything, learn about other's beliefs, and be open-minded, well-rounded children is just unacceptable. She wants us to be a cookie-cutter kind of family (kids in public school, J and I a "9 to 5" couple, etc.) but that's just not going to happen. J and I tried that---we HATED IT. It's just not how we function. It's not something we enjoyed, we were miserable and realized we work and function better as a family without it. Regardless, the fact that she hates everything about me and blames me for all of her problems caused us to be kicked out from what was supposed to be our home. Truthfully, I think it was all about money. As soon as we told her we ran out and couldn't pay her anymore, it escalated to this. She even cut herself off from her grandchildren, which I think is just sad, pathetic, and fucked up. I have never known someone to be so hateful.
The ridiculosity of this month has been stressful, but thankfully that mess is over. Now our biggest obstacle is finding a permanent home. We have an appointment with social services for government-sponsered housing on January 9. The wait-list for section 8 is 2 years right now, so we are trying to public housing I hope the wait-list, which is rumored to become 3 years, is just a rumor. We really need this.
I feel so deflated. I am so tired, but for once, my depression isn't all in my head, it's legitimate. My doctor has offered to give me something, but I won't see him until the 3rd. I wish I could lay in bed all day and do nothing, just sleep. If I didn't have any kids, maybe this would be easier, but I just feel terrible know they were in that situation and are now in this situation. I feel like a terrible parent having to put them through this. Granted, they are strong and smart girls. Lily and Iris have both understood everything that is going on, (Lily being pissed and wanting nothing to do with her grandmother; Iris telling me that "Grandma is dead" to her) but I feel like I've done something wrong. I know the girls are doing better; no more tantrums, no more bed-wetting, nightmares, or skin rashes. Even my own rashes have disappeared. I just have that nagging feeling like I forgot to do something.
We still have a ton of stuff to get out of my mother-in-law's house. She took all of our things and shoved it into her garage. If she broke anything, so Lord help me... she wasn't even supposed to touch our things, according to law. It doesn't matter now, though. J will be getting the storage in some sort of order to put our things in there again, I just hope there is room. It took us 4 months to get the stuff we had out; we only have 30 days (as of the 19th, when we were "evicted," as she puts it) to put it back in. It's time consuming, and I can't do anything to help. *sigh* I just want this to all be done already. I just want to only worry about the fact that I have 6 weeks left of this pregnancy. I just want a seriously long nap.
My mother-in-law has cut off all communication with us. She deleted and blocked both J and I off her Facebook as well as my brother and sister. She believes that we are entitled and spoiled brats (even though we were paying her $500 monthly to help out) and the fact that I teach my children to question everything, learn about other's beliefs, and be open-minded, well-rounded children is just unacceptable. She wants us to be a cookie-cutter kind of family (kids in public school, J and I a "9 to 5" couple, etc.) but that's just not going to happen. J and I tried that---we HATED IT. It's just not how we function. It's not something we enjoyed, we were miserable and realized we work and function better as a family without it. Regardless, the fact that she hates everything about me and blames me for all of her problems caused us to be kicked out from what was supposed to be our home. Truthfully, I think it was all about money. As soon as we told her we ran out and couldn't pay her anymore, it escalated to this. She even cut herself off from her grandchildren, which I think is just sad, pathetic, and fucked up. I have never known someone to be so hateful.
The ridiculosity of this month has been stressful, but thankfully that mess is over. Now our biggest obstacle is finding a permanent home. We have an appointment with social services for government-sponsered housing on January 9. The wait-list for section 8 is 2 years right now, so we are trying to public housing I hope the wait-list, which is rumored to become 3 years, is just a rumor. We really need this.
I feel so deflated. I am so tired, but for once, my depression isn't all in my head, it's legitimate. My doctor has offered to give me something, but I won't see him until the 3rd. I wish I could lay in bed all day and do nothing, just sleep. If I didn't have any kids, maybe this would be easier, but I just feel terrible know they were in that situation and are now in this situation. I feel like a terrible parent having to put them through this. Granted, they are strong and smart girls. Lily and Iris have both understood everything that is going on, (Lily being pissed and wanting nothing to do with her grandmother; Iris telling me that "Grandma is dead" to her) but I feel like I've done something wrong. I know the girls are doing better; no more tantrums, no more bed-wetting, nightmares, or skin rashes. Even my own rashes have disappeared. I just have that nagging feeling like I forgot to do something.
We still have a ton of stuff to get out of my mother-in-law's house. She took all of our things and shoved it into her garage. If she broke anything, so Lord help me... she wasn't even supposed to touch our things, according to law. It doesn't matter now, though. J will be getting the storage in some sort of order to put our things in there again, I just hope there is room. It took us 4 months to get the stuff we had out; we only have 30 days (as of the 19th, when we were "evicted," as she puts it) to put it back in. It's time consuming, and I can't do anything to help. *sigh* I just want this to all be done already. I just want to only worry about the fact that I have 6 weeks left of this pregnancy. I just want a seriously long nap.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Oh, November
Finally started on my novel for National Novel Writing Month. Yeah, that's right. Ten more days until the end of the month and I am NOW just starting. Most people are at about 33k right now if they are keeping the steady pace of about 1.7k per day. In the past three hours of writing nonstop, I've made it to a little over 6k. I'd have to write an average of about 3.8k a day to actually win this year. I WANT to win this year. 6 years of this and not one win.
Personally, I think my novel is crap. I'll post it at the end of the month. Speaking of the end of the month, I need to make $100 retail for my Pure Romance business for me to stay active. I have tried everything, and still nothing. I don't know what else to do. I'm so effing tired. My boobs also hurt. Stupid pregnancy.
I'm so tired. I haven't slept well in almost a month.
Personally, I think my novel is crap. I'll post it at the end of the month. Speaking of the end of the month, I need to make $100 retail for my Pure Romance business for me to stay active. I have tried everything, and still nothing. I don't know what else to do. I'm so effing tired. My boobs also hurt. Stupid pregnancy.
I'm so tired. I haven't slept well in almost a month.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Getting prepped and geared for NaNoWriMo this year. With no job, no school, and only my kids taking up my time, I actually have a lot of empty "me" time this year. Let's see how much I can get done next month. I have only a slight idea of what I am going to write about, hopefully as time progresses, I'll have more.
I have been in excrutiating pain. I have barely left the house. I am horribly depressed. I have made little progress in my Pure Romance business. To be honest, I'm highly dissappointed by the lack of support I have recieved from friends. It was a serious blow for me. I don't ask that they buy anything, I just want them to spread the word and support me, just like I would do for them and the only response I seem to get is "Oh, awkward." I just don't understand it. I really, really don't.
I'm pretty low these days. Lack of finance, unstable future, and this constant feeling that the bottom half of my body is trying to detach itself from the top half has me feeling exhausted. Other than occupying myself with NaNo next month, I don't know what else to do.
I have been in excrutiating pain. I have barely left the house. I am horribly depressed. I have made little progress in my Pure Romance business. To be honest, I'm highly dissappointed by the lack of support I have recieved from friends. It was a serious blow for me. I don't ask that they buy anything, I just want them to spread the word and support me, just like I would do for them and the only response I seem to get is "Oh, awkward." I just don't understand it. I really, really don't.
I'm pretty low these days. Lack of finance, unstable future, and this constant feeling that the bottom half of my body is trying to detach itself from the top half has me feeling exhausted. Other than occupying myself with NaNo next month, I don't know what else to do.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
As If Life Doesn't Suck Enough
- We have officially been in Texas now for about 3 weeks now. Got here the 2nd of August. It's a relief that I don't have to deal with BILLS so much now.
- I'm struggling...HARD...at school. I'm calling my academic advisor today and dropping from school. We are shit poor anyway. It's not like we "need" the money anymore; we have nothing to save.
- My mother and I are not speaking. She blew up and disrespected me about two weeks ago over my sexuality and choice of religion. To be honest, not having her in my life has been a relief. I'm happier being able to comfortably be me without having to tip-toe around subjects that may upset her. I refuse to speak to her until she apologizes for the way she treated me. She has deleted me off of her FaceBook (LOL) as well as from her cell's contact list. She told my sister (throw a slew of mood swings) that I was not allowed at her house. *She* chose to 'disown' me. However, she recently told my sister that I am hiding from her, *snort* you know, since I live A BLOCK AWAY FROM HER DAMN HOUSE. I honestly believe that woman needs mental evaluation for Alzheimer's. Her memory is absolutely warped and she is horribly delusional. In all honesty, though, I am truly done with her. I have never, in my 25 years, felt so INSULTED as I did the day my mom called me, yelled at me, and then told me, verbatum, to go to hell. All I had told her, and very calmly at that, was that I was hanging up because I had refused to be treated like that. This coming from a PASTOR. She is a bigot, a hypocrite, and a fraud. I. AM. DONE.
- I am in excrutiating pain. All of my children ended up being c-sections so my uterus isn't happy with this 4th pregnancy. The scar tissue on my uterus is stretching and ZOMG it HURTS. Guess what can be done? Not a damn thing. My OBGYN told me yesterday that my *entire* pregnancy is going to be this painful. As if life doesn't suck enough.
- I have been horribly depressed, and I know it has to do with the hormones of this pregnancy. Either way, I don't want to be here.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Sunday's Itinerary.
[x] collect and discard all garbage and recycling
[x] discard broken crib
[x] dismantle broken dresser and discard
[x] dismantle shelves in girls' closet
[ ] dismantle and discard broken armoir
[ ] pack girls' clothes stored in guest room
[ ] pack girls' clothes stored in linen closet
[ ] pack shoes
[ ] wash and pack dishes
Having a bit of a break. Now on to tackle the broken armoir. *Sigh* I have a final paper that needs to be written that is due tomorrow. I hope I have time for all of this crap.
[x] discard broken crib
[x] dismantle broken dresser and discard
[x] dismantle shelves in girls' closet
[ ] dismantle and discard broken armoir
[ ] pack girls' clothes stored in guest room
[ ] pack girls' clothes stored in linen closet
[ ] pack shoes
[ ] wash and pack dishes
Having a bit of a break. Now on to tackle the broken armoir. *Sigh* I have a final paper that needs to be written that is due tomorrow. I hope I have time for all of this crap.
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